01x08 - Practice Guy

[bunniefuu]

All right, I hope you all enjoy this.

This is a little preparation for next Sunday when Linda's here.

Brad, sorry I didn't wrap everything in bacon.

(chuckles)

Wait, seriously, there's no bacon?

Allison: It's so sweet you want everything to be perfect for Linda.

Amy: Ah, who would have thought the only Fuller getting tail in this family would be the Silver Hedgehog?

(chuckles)

Yeah, nickname's not really catching on, so stop trying, okay?

But, uh, Tower of Terror's got a great point.

I don't want Linda to feel uncomfortable as the only plus-one, why don't you two bring dates?

You want us to bring first dates to a family dinner?

Although it wouldn't be the weirdest first date I ever had.

Thank you, Holocaust museum.

Marv: It's a challenge.

Bring dates to the barbecue next Sunday.

What about the receptionist at work?

What's-her-name, that you're obsessed with.

Oh, I don't even... Oh, that girl.

Uh, Clara, I think, is her name.

No, I'm not obsessed with her.

I barely even mention her.

“Dad, Clara's wearing glasses today.”

“Dad, Clara's eating a bagel.”

“Dad, Clara's choking.”

“Dad, Clara's fine.”

(chuckles)

I almost gave her mouth-to-mouth.

Would have been a great first kiss story.

Amy: Hey, Allison, how about that lawyer you've been drooling over for the last few weeks... what's his name, Hugh?

The guy on your floor.

Why don't you ask him out?

Drooling? What? I don't even...

(scoffing): Huh?

All right, I'm gonna stop you right here, 'cause you're spitting all over the zucchini.

Allison's in, I'm in, too.

Anything for the Silver Hedgehog.

Nickname's catching on.

It's getting traction.

Like a runaway train, Marv.

White coat on or off?

Well, whenever I impersonate a doctor, I leave it off.

White coat makes it look like you're trying too hard.

Hugh has everything I look for.

He's handsome, like an untattooed David Beckham.

He has an old earring hole, which means he was probably in a band, which means he was creative, but then he made the choice to go into law, which means he's also responsible.

But it's environmental law, so he's not smarter than me.

Oh, you adorable OCD snowflake.

I just love your rigid assumptions about who you think is best for you.

One more thing.

Hmm?

Hugh.

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Wow.

(laughing): I didn't see you.

That's so weird.

Sorry. I'm sorry about that.

No, totally my fault, I was walking out of my office right where your friend was pushing you.

Right, so it makes sense you would...

Yeah. Are you okay?

Huh? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, work's been a little rough, but sometimes I like it rough.

Unhear that, please.

Wow, I am really, really bad at this.

It's just that I haven't been dating much, but my dad has, which is weird 'cause he's my dad.

He's been dating quite a bit. Yeah, he's a hedgehog, and there's this barbecue challenge.

Clara has a pretty sweater. What was the question?

Are you okay?

(cell phone rings)

Oh, I'm just gonna get this real quick.

I don't know why I said that in a southern accent, but, yeah.

(chuckles) Hello.

Amy: Walk away.

Just walk away.

Yeah, I need to take this. It's my friend, and she's telling me to walk away, so I'm gonna just...

Okay. (groans)

♪ ♪

Oh, man, I messed up so bad.

I'm sorry, are you waiting for me to make you feel better?

'Cause that was horrible.

You have a full-blown case of the dating jitters.

It's lunch. I am gonna go to the gym and work off this embarrassment.

Oh, Allison.

Exercise is a waste of time, everybody knows that.

You need to shake off the rust with a practice guy, and then you can take another s*ab at Hugh.

Allow Dr. Amy to write you the prescription for a one-night stand.

Should be injected once in the next 24 hours.

Should be taken on a full stomach of alcohol.

Should not be used while driving.

Should not be taken orally.

Side effects may include a baby.

This says, “Vicodin for Amy Cass.”

You know what, you get nervous because you care too much.

So what you have to do is hook up with a guy you don't care about, who you have nothing in common with.

I have no interest in a one-night stand.

I'm sorry, is your dad in here?

Fine. If you're not interested in a sweaty, muscly, athletic guy, then let's just go to the gym.

♪ ♪

Marv.

Walt.

Hey, any idea why all the magazines in my office are addressed to a Dr. Mal P. Ractice?

Pretty sure it's pronounced “practice.”

I'm pretty sure it's pronounced “mail fraud.”

(chuckling): Oh. We'll settle out of court.

I'll pay you in meats at my barbecue this Sunday. You coming?

Oh, yes, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hey, you want me to bring anything?

Maybe a machete to hack through the steak?

Ooh, how about a time machine so you can get rejected from Harvard again?

Which is where I went.

What, and go to school with Mark Zuckerberg and Natalie Portman? I think not.

Ooh, I don't think you would be in the same class.

I got a time machine, I can go whenever I want.

Look, if you're gonna create a hypothetical, you've got to be prepared to follow it all the way down the rabbit hole.

Oh, look, I have a patient.

He's got me a little stumped.

I was wondering, can I refer him to you?

Sure, I'll take a look.

Thank you.

I got to head on out. They got me speaking at this dermatological conference in Diamond Bar, so...

(mock groan)

Well, that's terrific.

Thank you.

I mean, that they found someone after I passed.

Diamond Bar.

Have a good speech, Dr. Ractice.

♪ ♪

Love that guy.

Morning. Got you a coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.

Don't forget to chew this time, though.

Thank you, that is so sweet.

I didn't even know you saw me choking.

You just kept texting.

No, I-I... I put it away.

I was about to get in there, but then it came out, so...

Anyway, I have been meaning to ask you something.

What do you say we grab a drink after work?

That'd be great.

That would be great.

To go ahead and celebrate my job transition with a drink. That's a pretty sweater, Clara.

Thank you.

Yesterday, too, you had one on. Pretty.

Folks, I'd like to take the floor.

It seems I've been released from the cage that was my corner office and I'm no longer your boss.

I've been reverse-promoted to broker.

So the rumors of you spiking the punch with Molly at the manager's retreat are true.

I can neither confirm nor deny that I was behind the most baller move ever made at this company. We can all agree on that.

I don't know...

So, uh, the good news is that the real top dog now is back for you guys.

I would like to retake the floor at this point and, first of all, con... gratulate you on the reverse promotion?

You got that right, kid.

And then let you know that I think we all know that the title of top dog is not something you claim. It's something you earn.

Wow. Looks like Cynthia's nipping at my heels there.

But until she closes the house on Cedar... real... real top dog out.

If someone could could choose a nickname other than top dog, that'd be great. You-you look so much alike.

(scoffs)

I... don't see it.

I don't see it.

I can't believe you brought a milkshake to the gym.

It's not a milkshake. It's frosting.

Oh.

Oh... We got the same jump rope.

It's like the boxing gym version of Lady and the Tramp.

It's like we're about to engage in an epic tug-o-w*r.

I think I'd lose that one.

Yes, you would.

I would rip your arms right out of their sockets.

Sorry. I thought that if I said that with a smile, it would be more charming.

Well, keep trying. To be charming.

That arm thing was very graphic.

You were so confident back there.

Well, why would I be nervous?

That guy is so not my type.

Seems like a bit of a meathead.

Exactly. And what's another word for meathead?

Beef... skull?

Practice guy.

Well, he's not bad-looking.

Yeah. Grade-A beefskull.

Go on over there, chat him up. Practice.

I'm Allison, by the way.

Gavin. Nice to meet you.

I don't see you around here a lot.

Because I'm not around here a lot. Are you?

Yeah, I'm actually in between jobs right now, so I got some extra time on my hands.

I got one more set on this circuit.

Does your circuit ever include drinks at Fordy's?

Say, tonight?

Sure. I am supposed to meet a friend, though.

Well, why don't you bring him along, huh?

If he's anything like you, we'll all have to take our vitamins and say our prayers.

Eugene, I'm happy to say that that mole, like all the others, is completely normal.

Are you sure? Because it used to look like Kauai, but now I think it's starting to look like Oahu.

No, everything you're concerned about is pretty straightforward.

Not even sure why Walt referred you to me, actually. Anyways, go on, get out of here.

Okay.

Mandy, who's my 3:00?

That'd be me again.

I booked back-to-back appointments for my follow-up questions.

Oh, I see why Walt referred you.

Now, back on this mole... I think it's changed since I've last seen you. and I know that's a warning sign, so can we take another look?

Just a second.

Mandy, any word from my pregnant daughter?

Has she gone into labor yet?

Allison's not pregnant.

Thank you, Mandy.

Oh, that's the code word.

Marv, your pregnant daughter Allison has gone into labor.

I'll reschedule with whatever problem patient you have at that time.

Again, thank you, Mandy.

Wow.

That is a real talent.

You're a peanut catcher. Wow, you just keep getting better and better.

Hey, look who decided to show up.

Ladies, this is my friend Phillip.

Sorry for being late. Pinterest rabbit hole.

Hey, Phil.

It's Phillip.

You know, I got to tell you, Phil, you're not exactly what I was expecting for the friend of a handsome, well-built guy like Gavin.

Well, you're certainly, uh, missing the mark for what I was expecting by about 12 years and one vest.

It is loud in here.

Well, we don't have to stay here.

Hey how about your place, Gavin?

Oh, no, we can't, 'cause uh, I-I don't want to wake up my mom.

He lives with his mom.

Hey, you two.

Hey.

Hey.

This is my brother Brad.

Ah, you must be Hugh.

Gavin...

Gely excited about going out with my sister here.

I-I'm here to see Clara, actually.

Really, you are?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go do that. I will see you at the barbecue Sunday.

Huh?

Someday. See you at the barbecue someday.

Never heard that expression?

It means, like, uh, like, “I'll see you later”"

It's, uh... uh, regional... thing. Okay, I...

Yeah, see you later.

Let's all go back to my house.

Yeah.

Okay.

Which is why I'm studying to be a veterinary assistant at night.

Oh, that's amaz... A noble calling.

Yeah, man's best friend's best friend's assistant.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh... Yeah.

So I was gonna ask you at the...

I-I'll just ask you right now... don't know what you have planned this weekend, but would you like to go to a barbecue?

Here comes the wrecking crew. What? Uh. Huh?

Clara, what you are drinking? 'Cause I'm buying for you.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Can you and I have a quick talk?

Huh?

Thanks, dude.

I don't know if you noticed, but, uh, I'm actually on a date.

Listen, dude, I'm recently divorced, demoted, looking to shore myself up emotionally, okay?

I need to silver-line this day in a big way.

Clara's the sale I gots to close.

All right, A, I don't like the way you're talking about her.

She's a woman, not a sale. And B, I'm pretty deep into escrow on this, buddy. And now I don't like the way I'm talking about her.

What can I get you guys started out with?

Both: Double rye Manhattan with three cherries.

That's my drink, bro.

Well, you have excellent taste, brah.

Yeah, I know I do, 'cause I have it.

Here we are.

This place is sweet.

Thanks. Do you want the grand tour?

Yeah, sure.

Right on time.

Designated bang-ees separate themselves to the other room while the support staff is banished here, to Couch Island.

Hey, come on in the kitchen with me for just a moment.

Oh, you're strong!

What the hell do you think you're doing out there?

Something I should've done a long time ago.

I am tired of being the guy who talks to the best friend of the hot girl that my good-looking buddy is making the sweet-sweet to.

Oh, please, you knew what you were getting into when you hitched your sidecar to Gavin's hog.

You're a wingman, dude.

Start acting like one.

Well, not tonight.

I'm going home.

And Gavin is driving me, because I have night blindness.

Oh, you little bat-eyed freak.

You've left me no choice.

What are you doing? That's as*ault.

Now, you're gonna go into the little room in the garage, you're gonna get in the shower, and you're gonna shampoo that beard that reeks of your recessive genes.

And you're gonna get out, and you're gonna put on whatever accessories and/or enhancements are laid out for you and meet me at my bed, on your knees, 'cause we're gonna get Roman tonight.

Hey, Phil and I are gonna check out my bone collection.

Then bone.

Sorry, I was gonna spin it, then bailed.

You okay, buddy?

(phone chirps)

It's a penis.

There's a penis on your phone.

I know that penis.

I'm intrigued.

It's Eugene.

Walt is pranking me, and he set me up with this hypochondriac patient who's texting me his every mole from everywhere.

It's got to stop.

It's time to retaliate.

(gasps) Oh, a prank w*r?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

What if we bake him some cookies, but instead of sugar, (chuckles) we use salt.

Okay.

Or he's giving a speech at a dermatology conference.

How embarrassing would it be if he had a huge rash on his face?

You said you had a poison oak problem in the yard.

So you're gonna poison him?

Linda.

This is a dermatological prank w*r.

Victory is all that matters.

So, what did you do for a living before you stopped doing it?

Um, I'm an architect.

I, uh, I have my own firm.

Really?

You said you were between jobs.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm turning a lot of stuff down lately to help my mom.

She had hip surgery, so I moved her into my house.

Wow.

That's (chuckles) that's really sweet.

Yeah, that's actually, um, what this tattoo means.

“Protector of elders.”

Really?

No. (chuckles) I lost a bet.

Oh, well, what would you have gotten if you'd won?

Punched in the balls.

It was a fraternity thing.

Oh.

Are you okay? You just...

You look a little flushed.

Yeah, yeah.

I just, uh, I got a little nervous.

Oh, why would you be nervous?

Because you're actually a great guy.

You seem like you're just realizing that.

Okay, this is gonna start out sounding slightly... totally... harsh, but it's going to end in a huge compliment, okay?

All right.

So just hang in there.

All right, so, um, there was this one, like, really, really, really, really, really hot guy that I wanted to ask out, but, um, I was too nervous, so I needed a practice guy.

You know, someone I wouldn't care about.

And based on first impressions, you seemed like the perfect practice guy.

What I discovered was that underneath that horrendous tattoo...

Okay, I'm not really interested in what you discovered.

Um, I don't want to be someone's practice guy.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's not how that was... Okay.

So I guess we should just say, “I'll see you at a barbecue someday.”

That's not a thing!

I like you!

(groans)

Tell me everything about Amy. I'm in love.

Blink once if you're saying this under duress.

Hey!

There's my chubby little lumberjack.

Come on, pal, you need to get off my property right now.

My property.

When can I see you again?

Well, I play for the New York Liberty, and training camp starts tomorrow.

Take my number.

I don't need that.

Just think about it.

Just did.

What did you do to that boy?

I angel-kissed him.

I'm sorry. What?

I angel-kissed him.

It's like a French kiss, but the tongue goes all the way to the base of the brain.

And if you hit it just right, it's amazing.

But if you miss it, the best you can hope for is a quick death.

Medically impossible.

Mm.

But that means you can bring Hugh to the barbecue, 'cause you slept with Gavin and got out all your jitters.

Yeah, about that.

What did you not do last night?

I blew it with Gavin, who's actually really great.

And, unfortunately, now he thinks I'm really shallow and he wants nothing to do with me.

Ugh. I knew you didn't have it in you to have it in you, but, hey, it's okay. Don't worry.

I still think you're ready for Hugh.

But I want to see Gavin again.

Turns out he's not the practice guy.

He's the guy I've been practicing for.

If only we knew someone who knew someone who had his number.

Hey, you want some breakfast? I'm thinking frosting.

I mean, 'cause it just seems like if I did have a guardian angel...

That's me.

And you were said guardian angel...

Oh, it's a trap.

The least you could do is make one little phone call, even if it meant you had to see Phillip again.

Oh, Allison.

Honey, I have to confess something to you.

I'm just a crazy lady.

I'm not your guardian... I can't do it.

Can't do it. No. I... I'll call Phil. sh**t!

Where's his number?

(elevator bell dings)

Marv.

Walt. Hey, how's your new patient?

Hope you don't mind. Told him you do house calls.

(laughing): Oh, you got me good.

(laughs)

Hey, listen, uh, good luck with the speech tonight.

Oh.

Marv: Really.

Walt: Why, thank you. Much appreciated.

Marv: Hope you k*ll it.

Hmm.

You got a little something on your cheek, by the way.

Okay. Other side.

Other? Here?

Yeah, yeah, a little higher.

Uh, did I get it?

Oh, there's no doubt that you got it.

That's an odd way to phrase it, but thank you.

(elevator bell dings)

Yup. This is you.

Yup. I'll see you Sunday.

All righty.

So here we are, back where it began for us so many hours ago.

Yeah, there's no us.

Uh, listen, all I want is Gavin's information.

And if your foot touches me one more time, I'm gonna snap it off at the ankle.

I'm sorry, I wish I could help, but Allison really insulted Gavin.

He never wants to see her ever again.

I hear you.

Allow me to counter... with my scent.

(sniffing)

Mi amor.

So anyways, I'm thinking, Sunday night, you and me kicking it on my boat?

Oh. I thought the boat got repossessed.

That's not till Monday, man.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

Maybe you didn't hear me last night with the three cherries in my mouth, but back off.

Easy, bro. I wrestled in high school.

I wrestled myself. What weight class were you?

106. Late bloomer.

Heard that. I bloomed super late.

Nice stance, by the way.

Thanks.

Stance is where the power comes from.

(grunts) Sweet escape just now.

They called me Teeny Houdini.

Okay, you guys, just stop.

This is ridiculous and weird. I don't want to date either of you.

What?

Huh?

So, I'm just gonna scoot on down to H.R., get this all on record, and kindly ask you both to keep your distance.

I got to tell you, I'm 100% shocked that this peacocking didn't work.

Don't sweat it. Quality buck like yourself... you'll have a reverse breakup in no time.

Thanks, bro. Right back at you, dude.

You deserve a true partner in life.

One who walks besides you, not in front or behind.

Hey, man, I know you've had a rough week.

Would a family barbecue cheer you up?

You know what?

I think it really might. Can you pick me up, though?

Because I lose the Lexus on Friday.

You know it.

My man.

(both grunting)

There's that escape.

There it is.

I really like you, man.

You sure you don't want my help with Gavin?

I mean, I've angel-ed you this far.

I'd kind of like to stick the landing.

Nope, I got it.

Because you need a big gesture, you know?

And I could whip up a children's choir or a flash mob or-or maybe some sort of eclipse?

Lunar? Solar? Mitsubishi?

Here he is.

What are you doing here?

Don't blame Phillip.

It was the only way I could get you here to apologize and buy you a cup of coffee.

Actually, I bought you one of everything.

Because I don't know what kind of coffee you like, and I didn't want to assume anything about you like I did yesterday.

This is a sweet and wasteful gesture.

It was wrong of me to assume I knew you based on the short amount of time we spent together.

And I'm just really hoping that you won't judge me based on that same short amount of time.

Hi. I'm Gavin.

I'm an architect, and my mom lives with me.

Hi, I'm Allison. I'm a dermatologist, and I can remove that tattoo for you.

(laughs)

♪ I want to know what love is ♪

Amy, too big a gesture.

♪ I want you to show me. ♪

Too on the nose.

Shut it down. Are you sure?

Because a power ballad feels right.

No? Okay. All right, kids, that's a wrap.

Now, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Out.

Let's go.

You want to go to a barbecue Sunday?

Oh, okay. See you later.

No. No, no, no. No, do you actually want to go to a barbecue with me this Sunday?

Oh. Oh-oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

Thanks for coming. Glad you could make it.

All right. Who else is here? Walt!

Hey.

How'd the speech go? Was it a break-out performance?

Well, I didn't make it to the speech.

I was rushed to the hospital.

What?

My eyes were totally swollen shut.

I looked like Rango.

Gotcha?

Big time. (chuckles)

Derma prank w*r respect, sir.

Aha. See? Just good fun.

(to “Hallelujah Chorus”): ♪ Silver Hedgehog ♪
♪ Silver Hedgehog ♪
♪ Silver Hedgehog, Silver Hedgehog ♪
♪ Silver Hedgehog. ♪

Nickname's gaining traction, Marv.