01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

I want to get a job.

Exotic lingerie? What the hell's exotic lingerie?

Did I really just invest in a box of marital aids?

Russell, there's a queue forming.

Mrs Spake, I'm looking for someone to host a party.

Tupperware, is it?

The stallion.

Are you suggesting there's something wrong with my marriage?

Good evening, officers.

Evening.

This is 1982, and we're women in the throws of a sexual awakening.

I'm pregnant?

If you do decide to give it another go, I hope I'm the guy to break up the next one.

Well, it looks like you don't need me at all.

Steph! Hey, hey...

Let go of me!

♪ Once I had a love and it was a gas ♪
♪ Soon turned out had a heart of glass ♪
♪ Seemed like the real thing, only to find ♪
♪ Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind ♪
♪ Once I had a love and it was divine ♪
♪ Soon found out I was losing my mind ♪
♪ It seemed like the real thing, but I was so blind ♪
♪ Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind... ♪

She wanted to surprise him, so she turned up at her husband's work wearing the Peek-a-Boo bra and puma briefs under her rain mac.

Goodness, what did he do?

Clocked off early.

I'm doing my first party on Wednesday.

You want to get Steph to come with you. She's the sexpert.

She's got loads of parties lined up.

You all right, Steph?

Yeah, fine.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Bloody Roger only went and d*ed on me mid-party.

Roger?

My demonstration vibrator.

I named him after Roger Moore. My mum was sweet on him.

I had to borrow the batteries out of my client's radio to get him going again.

You can roll your tongue back in. She's a married woman.

Where's her husband, then?

Bodybuilding.

He's loaded, and ten years younger than her. - (Dawn.)

What did you want me to say?

Mr Spake's at home snoring in front of Bergerac, with pie crumbs down his vest?

I phoned. I left messages with your mum.

Maybe you didn't get them?

I got them.

It didn't mean anything. Me and your Terry...

It was a mistake.

I love Barry, I know that now.

Oh, well... I'm so glad that sleeping with MY husband helped you sort out YOUR our feelings (!)

Barry says Terry's gone to Birmingham for work.

What did you want him to say?

He left cos he slept with his girlfriend.

Are you gonna tell him?

No.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Barry.

Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but what a complete bitch.

So, have you kicked him out, then?

He got off lightly. I'd have chopped his cheating nuts off.

How are you doing?

I managed to convince the doctor that having this baby would seriously affect my mental state.

I'm barely coping as it is.

I'm sorry.

Hey... we'll be all right.

Look at us.

Two strong, independent businesswomen.

Sat on a toilet floor. One of us with a snotty nose.

I don't know about you, mate, but I come down the pub to get away from cackling tarts.

Oi!

Oh, sorry about that.

Ah... Half a lager, please.

I'll get that.

Er... No, thanks, Jim.

I hear your er... Terry's working away.

Must be very lonely without him.

Everything all right?

Fine, thanks, mate. Not that it's any of your business.

I could make it my business, and that of half of the Maythorpe Police Station over there.

PC Daniels. Didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

I meant out of uniform.

I know... I know what you meant.

Oh...

See your lot are still carrying on with the sexual revolution.

Yeah, it would seem that way.

Glad to hear it.

Look at them two, there. Remember that?

What it was like to be young and in lust?

Steph? Glad I caught you.

Barry...

I wanna book you Friday.

For one of your saucy parties.

An engagement do for Lisa and some of the girls from work.

Engagement?

Popped the question.

That woman's my everything.

Erm... You know, I'm sorry, I don't think I can Friday.

I can.

Erm... I'm not sure. It's just Steph's her friend, so...

Oh, you'll be in safe hands with Nita.

Barry, are you coming?

Shh. Not a word. It's a surprise.

Thanks for that.

No need to thank me. I need the money.

Thought you were gonna fall off, back there.

Brian says I've strong thighs.

Ohh...

I don't even know why I came tonight.

Cos you're one of us now. You held the first ever party.

Brian thinks I've got all that silly business out of my system.

And have you?

Oh! We've woken his nibs up.

Brian... I've been to a pub... and I liked it.

Stanley, you should've been in bed ages ago, love.

I'm doing my homework. It's hard.

Is it?

Dad, Stanley should've been in bed hours ago.

Can't find any of my clean T-shirts, Dawny.

Try using your eyes.

Oi! That's my tea.

I told Dad there was tea in the oven for you.

It's toad in the hole. Dad!

Chris is stinking out bathroom. Like a dead dog in there.

You been out shagging lover boy, Dawny?

Er... No, I've been out working. You wanna try it some time.

Right, come on. Let's get you to bed.

Help you with this homework in the morning. Right?

Come on.

Is that you, Steph?

Ooh, Coronation Street was a treat tonight.

Ken doesn't know Deirdre and Mike are having an affair.

Did erm... Did Dean get off all right?

Wouldn't go to sleep till we found that little car Terry sent him.

He doesn't understand what's going on, Steph.

And neither do I.

You're not the first woman to be cheated on.

You need to swallow your pride. Get that man back under your roof.

Those bills aren't gonna pay themselves.

Terry rang earlier. Said it was urgent.

Mum said you'd rung.

I can't make it Sunday.

But Dean wants to see you.

'I know.'

But I've... I've got the chance of an extra shift.

We need the money.

'You've got the landlord breathing down your neck, and I've got my digs to pay for here.'

Terry, love, don't be long on the phone.

Steph... You still there?

'That was just my landlady.'

It's none of my business who it is.

'Steph, please...'

.. I miss you... 'Both of you.'

Hello, Hellie.

Hello, Joan.

'Steph?'

Steph mentioned you were back.

Sorry to call so late, but Steph left her purse at the pub.

I'll make some tea.

I wanted to ask if she'd help me do my first party.

Oh, she's given up that disgusting work.

I'm surprised you're still doing it. What your father must think.

Er... Terry, I've gotta go.

Oh, I must've got the wrong end of the stick.

She's still doing it, isn't she?

Have you been getting me to sit for Dean under false pretences?

I... I should go.

Did you lie to me?

Mum, we need the money.

And... And I'm good at it. I-I didn't think I would be, but...

Did you do one of those parties tonight?

Mum, what I'm selling isn't... dirty, or disgusting...

It's just... It's fun, and it helps couples.

Your husband didn't seem to think so.

Didn't help your marriage, did it?

Let's see how long you last doing your precious job with no-one to look after your son.

What time did you get in last night?

He can look after himself, this one, can't you?

He's like his old man this one, ain't ya? Eh? Eh?

Come here, wife.

Oh, the smell of that bacon's making me feel sick.

You're always like that when you're first pregnant, aren't you?

Remember with Nessa when you got -- - Stop.

Nessa! Ian! Come on, I'm not asking you again!

Stop it...

Hey, hey...

Look, I understand... why you feel you need to do this, Neet, but... I've got that trial down at the sorting office.

You might be sleeping with Postman Pat soon.

I've already been to the doctor.

I've got an appointment through for...

I let you down. I always let you down.

You haven't.

I love you.

We just...

We can't.

Oh, it feels funny being here and not cleaning.

Well, don't let me stop you.

My counters could do with a good bleach.

You should have a go at selling, Pauline. I think you'd be a natural.

Hosting a party is one thing.

Doing what you did, selling.

Oh, I just couldn't.

Well, I know it's scary. I mean, I've not worked before, either --

Oh, I've worked. That's how I met Brian.

I used to do his accounts.

My father volunteered my services.

I think he thought Brian would be a good fit.

Brian was kind and steady and...

Well, I'd had the fireworks...

Got my fingers well and truly burnt.

Are you hiding a sordid past, Pauline?

Don't be daft. There's nothing remarkable about me.

Yes, there is.

Can't even spell.

Now make sure you put your back into it, lad.

You young ones don't know you're born.

When I was an apprentice butcher, I had to cycle 15 miles a day delivering meat.

It was three years before my father even let me hold a cleaver.

The weight of it in my hand...

This'll take me hours.

What's Spake's motto, lad?

"Better meat than down the street."

Exactly, so get scrubbing.

Because of your age and the heavy spotting, it looks like nature might take its own course, and you'll most probably miscarry, Mrs Dempsey.

In which case, there's no need for the termination.

But we'll keep your appointment at the clinic, just in case it hangs on in there.

♪ When I look up from my pillow ♪
♪ I dream you are there... ♪
♪ I was walking down the street ♪
♪ When this boy started following me... ♪

Will you buy me some Lego with all your money?

It's not my money, but... soon, hopefully.

What you doing, love?

It's for Daddy.

Oh, but... sweetheart... he's had to go away to find some work.

You know that.

Is he cross at me?

Of course he's not, he loves you so --

Daddy!

No, no, no. Dean, Dean, Dean. That's not Daddy.

That's erm... Mr Clark for the rent money.

So why don't you and me play hide and seek from him?

No.

No, Dean, that's not Daddy.

Hi, Mr Clark.

Hello, son.

Where's your mum?

Erm... Just coming, Mr Clark.

She's playing hide and seek from you, and Dad's away working.

Mum told him to go and get some money so they could stop fighting.

Do they have lots of money in Birmingham?

No, I don't think they do, son.

So he won't be allowed back, then?

Go and get your mum.

Er... I've got your rent money here, Mr Clark.

Ah...

Mm-hm.

Dawny, stick kettle on. My gob's like a parrot's arse.

Stick the kettle up your arse.

Dawny, make us some sarnies, will you?

No.

Oh, my God! Simon, are those the Kiss Kiss knickers?

Yeah.

Get them off! You'll stretch them with your lard arse.

I ran out of clean kecks, ain't I?

You don't go in my party kit.

Got to pay for them, you bloody idiot!

What's this?

No! Don't you dare.

What's all this?

Stop it! Simon, stop it!

Oh, well done.

I hate ya!

Shut up!

Pick that sh*t up.

Hey, shouldn't you be in school, love?

Dad wasn't arsed if I bunked off.

OK.

You all right, Dawny?

Yeah, I will be, once I get a hug.

Mum, can I have an ice cream?

We can't afford it, love.

I'll get him one.

Thank you.

You didn't have to do that.

No, I wanted to.

He looks so much like Terry.

Hmm.

Things must be hard with him away.

A bit.

God, Hellie... I've done something really stupid.

I've used some of my party takings to cover my rent.

Steph!

I know, and I've got to pay it in on Monday.

I'm gonna lose my job on top of everything else.

I could see if I could get some money together for you?

I might be able to borrow some off my parents.

That's really kind of you, but I couldn't let you do that.

It's fine. I'm sure I can just sort something out myself.

Look at that ice cream!

I convinced myself... that I was sure what I was doing was right, and...

And when the doctor said that I might lose it...

What does Kieren say?

I haven't told him yet.

I don't want to get his hopes up and then just... lose it anyway.

Oh, love.

The erm... doctor said that I need to rest, so... I'm not gonna be able to do Lisa's party.

I'm so sorry, Steph, but if I want to give this baby a fighting chance...

I'll call one of the girls.

Er... Wait.

You can't do it.

I need the money.

Not that much!

Yeah, that much.

Well, if you're gonna go in there, you bloody well better bleed her dry.

Russell... what did your mum say about me moving into yours for a bit?

You know, before we get wed?

She said Jesus wouldn't like it.

What does bloody Jesus know?

I can't live at home any more. They're doing my head in.

I'm working two jobs and then I have to pick up after that slobby lot.

They don't even have one job between them.

I just wish we had our own place.

Where we could hide from the bloody lot of them.

I can't go back, Russy.

Spoke to Russell and er... I've made a reservation for us at the Berni Inn, for our anniversary.

Prawn cocktail, rump steak and gateau.

Mm.

Sounds lovely, Brian.

I just want you to know how much you mean to me.

Oh, Brian...

Oh, for...

Oh, hiya, Mr Spake. Is Mrs Spake in?

It's late. Come back tomorrow.

No, Brian!

I can't stand it any more. I can't live with them bastards.

Please, Mrs Spake, I've got nowhere else to go.

And you've got this big house.

Please, can I stay with you for a bit?

No.

Of course!

Come here.

Oh...

Oh, morning, Mr S.

This is too much, young lady.

Look at the mess. Is that my razor?

You might need a new blade. I've still got my pits to do.

I couldn't get into the bathroom, Pauline.

She's in there, shaving her appendages with MY razor.

I wanted my five minutes on the throne.

Well, you can use the downstairs lavatory, Brian.

It's not the same.

Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy.

She's not your responsibility.

Dawn needs our help.

This is MY house and I want her out.

My mistake.

I was under the impression it was our house.

If I don't tow the line, will you chuck me out, too?

You're being ridiculous.

No, you're being ridiculous.

You're not her mother!

I'm no-one's mother, Brian! And whose fault is that?!

I wasn't aware it was anyone's fault.

Oh... your towels are proper fluffy.

How do you get them like that? Ours are like sodding sandpaper.

Takes the top layer of your skin off.

I made us bacon sandwiches, dear.

Today is supposed to be boiled eggs and soldiers.

Well, Dawn fancies bacon.

I'm gonna get ready for work.

Oh, hey, give my Russy a big snog for me.

Mmm. I'm not bloody joking, can you and Mr S adopt me?

I proper love living here.

I don't know how you can work at the post office.

You're better than that.

Making me permanent at the end of the month.

Well, I've got a much more interesting job offer for you.

One night's work and you'll make more than you make working six months for that lot.

I just need a driver.

I'm out.

We're a team. You and me. We always have been.

And your family, they deserve better than this, don't they?

In and out, no bother.

What? Like last time?

Yeah, but you're not the one who got banged up for that, though, are you?

What's going on?

This your son?

Richie, what you done, lad? Your mother's gonna go off her nut.

We caught him graffitiing some shop fronts on the high street with some older lads.

What, are you nicking him for drawing on walls?

I'm not arresting him.

But if it happens again, I will have to caution him.

What about the other lads?

Ran off.

You wanna run faster, next time, lad.

Even I can outrun a pig.

How long you been out for, Wayne Douglas?

Few months. Got out early for good behaviour.

Well, let's hope you keep that up.

You know, you wanna watch who you hang out with.

You don't want them dragging you down.

What's going on?

Ow!

Hey! What was that for? I've not done owt!

Upstairs. And don't think you're going out for the rest of the year.

What?

Upstairs now!

It's all right, love. He got away with a warning.

He shouldn't be getting away with anything.

Jesus Christ, Kieren, I can't be left to do everything.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's all right.

Barry, get that, will ya?

You get it. It's your surprise.

It'd better not be a bloody stripper.

Steph.

What do you want?

Hold up, Lisa. Steph, I thought your friend was doing the party?

She's sick. I didn't wanna let you down.

But I've got no-one to look after Dean.

Party? What's going on?

I organised one of those saucy parties for you and your girl friends tonight.

Barry, I... If Steph can't find a sitter, we should cancel.

Nonsense, I'm off the pictures on me tod. E.T.

How about it, Mum? Can us men go out on the town?

Please, Mum.

Well... I mean, that'd be great, Barry, if you're sure you don't mind?

Course not. See you later.

Bye.

Mwah! Come on, mate.

Mate, what have you been eating? Bricks?

Dawn, can you get that?

Dad. What are you...?

Get your stuff, you're leaving.

I'm not coming home, Dad.

Oh, yes, you bloody well are, my girl.

I'm not.

You just want me there to skivvy around after the lot of you.

You can tell our Stanley I'll pop round and see him Sunday.

If you're too good to be a part of our family, then you don't get to see our Stanley.

Let me at least talk to him.

No need. I'll tell him you don't want us no more.

I'll tell him you've broken the promise you made to your mum, on her death bed, to look after him.

Is everything all right?

What's it got to do with you, you snooty cow?

Dad!

It's all right, Dawn. If you can't keep a civil tongue, I'll have to ask you to leave.

I'm going.

You're welcome to her.

I'm sorry, Dawn, I know he's your father, but men like that make my blood boil.

He won't let me see Stanley.

He'll calm down. Families argue. Take me and Brian.

We had such an argument this morning and now we're off out to dinner.

A relationship with no arguments is a relationship with a lot of secrets.

Oh...

Read it in your Woman's Own.

Oh!

Vroom. Vroom.

Uncle Barry...

Yes, Dean?

When do you think my dad will come home?

I'm not sure, son.

He usually brings me here, but he's gone away cos there's no jobs around here.

Will there be one round here for him soon?

Maybe, mate.

And he'll be first at the gates if there is.

Fingers crossed, eh?

Right, who wants popcorn?

Me!

Oh, you? Wait there.

Hope your Barry doesn't need to use the lav when he gets home.

He'd get through the lot in one sitting.

He's in there for 45 minutes at at time.

Er... Ladies, have you got your questions ready for the bride to be?

Who's first?

Me! Lisa, truth.

Have you been to work wearing no knickers?

Yes.

Er... I sit next to you at work.

Er... Next question. Corrine?

Er...

Ooh, I can't think of anything.

Oh, come on, Corrine.

Erm...

Ooh, have you ever fancied another man since being with Barry?

Oh, look at her face. She has.

Hope it weren't my Kev.

Oh, you're welcome to him, Lisa. Give me a night off. The randy sod.

I think that's enough of Lisa's indiscretions.

Let's have a look at the first range, shall we?

Erm... So the Lagoon basque is as exotic as its name.

Shimmering jade. As hot as the tropics.

Ooh. That's lovely.

Or if you're feeling more adventurous, you could always pair it with the Twilight G-string.

It's like a bloody cheesecutter.

Hey, do you fancy that, Lisa? For your bit on the side?

Or maybe he's more of a boob man, eh, Lisa?

'Stay.'

(Excuse me.)

Dean?

Dean?

Shh.

Sit down.

Dean?!

Shh!

Shh!

Have you seen a little boy with glasses wearing a green jacket?

Shh.

Dean?

Can you keep your voice down, sir?

I can't find Dean.

Maybe he's popped out for a f*g?

He's five. Dean?

Shut up, mate.

Sir, let's go into the foyer.

Dean, where are ya?

I've cleaned down the freezer, Mr Spake.

Did you want me to wait for the delivery?

No, no, no, you're not ready for a solo delivery yet.

You get off.

I'm meeting Mrs Spake later in the restaurant.

It's important to cherish your wife.

She's not been herself.

I couldn't run to an expensive engagement ring back then.

I needed to put more money in the business.

Now I can give her the things I couldn't give her then.

Well... one of the things.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, you should think about becoming demonstrators.

Well, you'll be surprised what you can do.

You're really good at this, Steph.

Hiya, how was the film?

Where's Dean?

Barry, where's Dean?

He'll turn up. My nephew wanders off all the time.

Got on a bus to Scarborough. Had a lovely time.

I was only gone five minutes. He wanted popcorn, so I --

Yeah, well, you know what, Barry, I should never have trusted you with my son.

You can't even see what's been going on under your own nose.

You're upset, Steph --

Don't you touch me!

Is Stephanie Kirke here?

She's in the lounge.

Thanks for coming, Officer.

We're gonna find him.

OK?

(OK.)

It's just, he's my world, and he...

Mum.

Barry phoned me.

Oh, I'll wait by the car.

Seeing as you didn't see fit to.

For God's sake, Dean should be tucked up in bed.

Not out with that half-wit.

Well, you wouldn't look after him. What was I supposed to do?

This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been carrying on all over town.

Carrying on?!

Mum, I've been working to keep a roof over our heads.

And where's that got you, eh? You lost your husband.

Now your son. You're his mother. You should start acting like it.

And you're MY mother. You should start acting like it!

You OK?

Yeah, fine.

Oh, come on.

He can't have gone that far.

Russy, is that you?

(Yes.)

You're home late, you naughty husband.

And you know what happens to naughty husbands, don't...

Bloomin' heck, Dawn.

Half the neighbourhood can see you in that get up.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This... This is a bad idea.

Oh, Mr Spake will have my guts for --

Oh, don't be such a div.

Why are you out of breath?

I parked the van three roads away. I didn't want anyone to see me.

I have got frozen French bread pizzas I could pop in the oven, or we could skip the main course and have our pudding... in the bedroom.

Oh, if they're pepperoni, I wouldn't want to miss out.

Russell, man up. We have got the whole evening to ourselves.

When do we ever get that?

Come on... let's go and bonk.

Hey, wait, hang on...

If we put pizzas on now, by time we finish bonking, they'll be ready.

Fine. And if we're quick, we can do it twice in 20 minutes.

Can't remember the last time we had a family meal out. Can you, Daddy?

No.

It's so lovely having our Helena home.

The nerve of that woman to show her face.

Pauline, what a surprise to see you here.

New hair-do? Very brave to try something so young.

Hello, Pauline.

Hellie. Nice to see you.

Shall I seat you here?

We'd prefer a table over there.

Of course.

Order me a Cinzano and lemonade, Donald? Need to powder my nose.

Mr Spake not with you?

He's on his way. He had a late delivery.

You look very nice, Mrs Spake.

Oh...

Then you always do.

Heard about your party.

Quite the dark horse, aren't we, Mrs Spake?

Talk of the town hall.

Perhaps you could... host one for me?

They're for women only.

I'm sure you could make an exception, Pauline?

Your table's ready.

Thank you.

Enjoy your night, Mrs Spake.

Going somewhere?

You may think I'm being hard on you.

This graffiti stuff's gonna get you noticed for the wrong reasons.

What? Like selling sex stuff... to desperate old biddies?

You're embarrassing.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Now, listen to me, son... I am proud of my job.

I enjoy it and I'm good at it. Really good at it.

And if you wanna do art at college, it's that sex stuff that's gonna pay for you to do it.

Do you understand?

You're not gonna have any kind of future if you end up in trouble?

Look at your dad, turning his life around.

You wanna take a leaf out of his book.

I knew you'd come round, mate.

I'm not here for you. I'm here for my family.

Well, I'm sure they're gonna appreciate it.

My wife wants to do Adam Ant.

Your wife wants to do everyone.

Is there anywhere else he could be?

No. I should call his dad.

We're separated. He's erm... working away.

There's nothing for him here since the factory laid him off.

You don't think he'd go there looking for his dad, do you?

Right, then... let's do this.

Fishnets?

You serious, Fat Mike?

It's all my wife had. They really don't suit her.

She looks like an overstuffed bag of satsumas.

Hey... What's that for?

I thought there was no-one there.

You just keep the car running.

In my day, if we'd had a flat tyre, we'd have carried the meat ourselves to be on time.

Did I tell you Mrs Butler's son, Graham, is recently single?

I thought maybe an introduction, now you're back.

He's got his own estate agents.

Mum...

No... I'm not interested in him.

Or anyone.

I thought you'd got all that silly nonsense out your system in London.

I didn't tell Daddy about you and...

It was just a silly phase, wasn't it?

The Kiev is always lovely here.

Move it!

Drive! Whoo!

Dean? Dean!

Dean! Dean!

Oh, God! Dean!

(He's all right...) You all right?

What did you think you were doing?

I'm waiting for Mr Boyd.

I'm going to ask him to give Dad his job back.

Oh, God, Dean, I was so scared I'd lost you.

I broke the car what Daddy got me.

Oh, God, come on.

Come on. Oh...

God, you're freezing.

Leave it, Brian.

Ignorant oiks.

Get back in and drive.

But...

Drive! Or I'll make sure you end up back inside.

There we go.

He's everything to me.

My whole world's in that little bed.

If I wasn't working so much...

Hey... You're a good mum.

You love him, you... You're providing for him.

He's lucky to have you.

I should go.

Mm.

Good night.

(Bye.)

Brian?

Brian?!

You'd better have a bloody good excuse!

Bunny Batlock was there, loving every moment of me being stood up.

Oh!

♪ It's a game of give and take... ♪

Russell, is that you under there?

Yes, Mrs Spake.

Well, come out. That's a £200 authentic Chinese rug.

You won't tell Mr Spake, will you?

I most certainly will, Russell Bundy.

And as for you, Dawn, I trusted you, and this is how you repay me.

I think you both better leave.

I'm sorry, Mrs Spake. Really, I am.

Yes?!

Kieren.

Love...

I want this baby.

Our baby.

You've got that job now, we've got a roof over our heads.

You're right. That's all we need.

Nita, I am --

I thought I was losing it.

And then I knew... I didn't wanna let it go.

The doctor says that I still might lose it, but if I take it easy...

(Come here.)