02x06 - The Organ Trail

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Mr. Fibonacci, let's see how we did with your hair transplant.

Oh.

I think you're gonna be very happy.

Wow.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, doctor.

Oh, you're very welcome.

Good luck fighting the girls off.

[Laughs]

Oh, hey, doc, just a sec.

I have a little pain in... in my side.

That's odd.

Have you had a kidney removed lately?

I don't think so.

My wife usually handles that stuff.

Yeah, well, you know what? I wouldn't worry about it.

I mean, I might call the cops and report an organ theft, but just to be totally safe.

Will do. All right, thanks, doc.

You bet.

♪♪

[Alarm beeps]

Stay with me, Tribeca. Is she gonna be okay?

Oh, no, she's definitely going to die.

Will you marry me?

I said I'm going in! I'm going in!

I'm going in!

Angie. Come to the other side, Angie.

Sergeant Pepper? Where are you?

I'm here.

Where?

Hi, Angie.

I...

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

[Monitor flatlines]

Nurse!

[Screams]

Sweetheart, what's the matter?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I'm your husband.

We moved in together after they fit all the brains back in your head.

[Baby crying]

Oh, looks like someone needs his mommy.

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Metal clangs]

[Screams halfheartedly]

[Gasps]

[Cellphone vibrating]

Tribeca.

I'll be right there.

You wanted to see us, sir?

I need you two to get over to the hospital.

Somebody's stealing organs.

Do we know who? It would save a lot of time.

I'm afraid not. But we better find out before the mayor opens his new cancer research wing.

After his campaign manager turned out to be a m*rder*r, he's desperate for anything to boost his approval ratings.

So he opens a cancer wing to appease the anti-cancer voters.

I know, Tribeca. It's a cynical time.

Now, because of the very specific nature of the case, the department has assigned a romance novelist to advise you.

Her thoughts may seem whimsical and pointless at first, but in the end, you'll realize she was right all along.

Geils, Tribeca, Miss Jackie Wilder.

[Romantic music plays]

[Sighs]

I'll never forget you, my succulent, rippling man lion.

And I'll never forget you, chick I met on the elevator 30 seconds ago.

Hello, detectives.

I'm very much looking forward to working with...

Wait a second.

You two are in love.

What? That's ridiculous.

Don't tell a tale to a tale teller.

It's the oldest story in the world.

Girl cop gets boy partner, boy falls in love with girl, girl explodes and falls in a year-long coma.

You couldn't be more wrong.

You should stick to writing novels, Ms. Wilder.

You. Your story's written all over your face.

Poor family.

Ran away with a circus for a better life.

11 long, hard years of riding the rails as a strongman.

I bet you're still sending money home to Romania, huh, kid?

And you. You are a lover.

A man of passion and romance.

I see you dead in a boating accident in 16 months.

Damn it.

[Indistinct announcement over P.A.]

Scholls.

Tribeca.

Ooh, cozy.

What are we looking at, Scholls?

Wait a minute.

You two...

Eh.

Patient went in for a routine hair transplant, came out missing a kidney.

Anything point to who did this?

We won't know until we cut him open.

I'm sorry, until you what?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to keep quiet.

This is a crime scene.

Here, put a little bit of this under your nose for the smell.

Thank you.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sir, I'm not gonna ask you again.

Oh, yeah. Whoever did this had medical training.

You can see here and here where they clamped the blood supply, and look at the suture knot.

This was no butcher.

This was a crime of passion.

Someone did this for love.

Actually, Jackie, we find that, generally, organ theft is a crime for money and profit.

Oh, really, Detective Tribeca?

Is that what you find?

Well, let me tell you what I find.

I find that it's very tough for you to be back in a hospital after what happened to you.

The sounds, the smells.

They bring back a flood of memories.

Year of life... gone.

A year that could have been.

Aching in your loins.

Hey.

I've had bad loins since I was a kid.

We should have a word with the chief of the hospital.

Let's start with "hello" and then go from there.

Nothing happens in this hospital that I don't know about.

So, who do you think is stealing organs?

Someone is stealing organs?

We have to put a stop to that immediately.

Are you aware this is the only hospital in Los Angeles that turns a profit?

I don't think I like what you are insinuating.

Yes, we make money. We do it honestly.

We gouge the patients in their most vulnerable time.

Can I have another blanket, please?

Yes, of course you can. I will get it myself.

2 grand.

We're gonna need a list of the nurses and doctors who were present during those surgeries.

I'd be happy to help, but there would be some small processing fees.

How about this...

You give us a list, or you go to jail.

You'll like it. It's free.

Socialist.

[Sighs]

Hey, are you okay? You look a bit tired.

I haven't been sleeping much.

Angie Tribeca?

Nurse Lowboobs.

Oh, how you doing since the coma, baby?

Oh, we were so worried about you.

I feel much better, thanks.

And where's that cute guy that used to come and visit you every day?

He's right here. Detective Geils.

No, not him. Another man.

Scruffier. More of a movie guy.

It sounds like you're describing Eddie Pepper, but that's impossible because he... he...

Disappeared under mysterious circumstances?

It was just a dream.

Was it?

I don't know anymore.

Oh, I think you do.

He's out, Dr. Brainerd.

Thank you, Dr. Stein. Scalpel.

So, did you notice anything unusual during Mr. Fibonacci's hair transplant?

No, no. It was totally routine.

Would someone mop my brow?

Of course, doctor.

Have you seen this kidney?

Oh, gross. Why would you show me that?

Because this kidney went missing from your patient during your surgery.

[Instrument clatters]

Sorry, Dr. Stein.

Nurse Barton, try to be a little more careful.

Dr. Brainerd: I remember he said something about that.

Would someone rub my shoulders, please?

Of course, doctor.

Ahh. Come on, more pressure.

Applying more pressure.

Okay. All righty.

I'm ready for the new hair.

Thank you.

Stapler.

You know, I wouldn't even have the expertise to remove a kidney. I was booted out of surgical rotation because of my phobia of internal organs.

See?

Organophobic. His story checks out.

Nurse, would you finish up, please?

Of course.

So, what you're saying is you're nowhere.

Joan Wilder: Just remember, you can't spell "nowhere" without "now" and "here."

Lieutenant, can you take this woman off our case?

She's incredibly irritating.

Why don't you let me worry about who's on the case and you worry about shutting down the organ pipeline before the mayor's ribbon cutting.

Wait a minute.

Pipeline.

Pipeline. That's it. Pipelines have two ends.

If we can't figure out how the organs are coming in, maybe we can figure out where they're coming out.

The black market.

In my fifth novel, "Passion Feast," the heroine bought all her handbags on the black market in hopes of convincing Thomas that she was an heiress instead of a shop girl.

But what she didn't know is that Thomas was only a cobbler's son.

Of course. The black market.

Tanner, what do you know about the black market?

Why are you asking me?

No reason. I just thought you might know.

Why would I know?

Because you're a detective with experience on the streets.

So, why didn't you ask Tribeca?

Because I can't tell if she has experience on the streets or not.

I know he doesn't.

I have some. On my father's side.

Boy, that was uncomfortable.

Excuse me, Ms. Wilder.

Would you mind signing my copy of your third novel, "A Confusing Promise"?

I will, but there's something I need to do first.

There. That's better.

Now, who should I make it out to?

Oh, uh, Monica Scholls.

Enjoy.

Scholls: "Dear Monica, the baby you're raising was not born out of a Canadian love tryst. Keep dancing like no one's watching. Jackie Wilder."

♪♪

Hit "basement," please.

[Humming elevator music]

Ding.

No, no, this is only 2.

[Resumes humming]

Man: Firearms! Get those untraceable firearms!

Cigarettes! Non-electric cigarettes!

Man 2: Quaaludes! Vintage Quaaludes!

Grenade sample?

[expl*si*n]

[Both laugh]

Can you tell us where we can find the illegal organs?

Oh, there's a guy just over there.

Best organs in town.

Mm!

Well, hello, Nurse Barton.

We should go pick her up.

Oh!

Oh, can we look just for a second, just for fun?

Now, we discussed this.

[Sighs] You're right.

Nurse Barton.

Does that hurt, when I use that name, "nurse"?

Your parents had all these hopes and dreams for you, and all you could become is a nurse.

The lowest of the low, contributing nothing to society.

A parasite.

Geils: Take it easy, Tribeca.

I think it's amazing that you became a nurse.

I definitely feel safer with him.

Just tell me, sweetheart.

Tell me how you got the kidney.

I told you.

After the doctor left, I made an incision, and I took the kidney out.

You're a lying whore!

Who is she?

She's a romance novelist who's working the case with us.

Oh, okay, so you're doing good cop/bad cop/romance novelist?

Believe me, not by choice.

There's no way she has the surgical training to remove a kidney.

You remember in my fourth novel, "Open Wide, Say Ah," an orderly is charged for overdosing patients with morphine until they realize he has no idea how to start an I.V.

She's protecting the person who did this because she loves him.

Or her.

You remember my second novel, "Summer Scissor Sisters."

We'll have the judge go easy on you if you tell us who you're working with.

It was just me alone.

I see. He's married.

And you think he's gonna leave her for you.

Take it from me, sweetheart.

They never leave.

I have nothing more to say.

Here.

[Kitten meows]

[Blows nose]

She's protecting someone in that hospital... someone she loves.

But she confessed. Lock her up, throw away the key.

I'll call the mayor, tell him he's clear to open up the cancer wing.

We get cancer, we go there, they treat us, everybody's happy.

I don't know, Lieutenant. I don't think she did it, either.

So, now everybody we lock up has to have done it?

[Sighs] Tribeca, what do you think?

I hate to say it, but, uh, Jackie Wilder's right.

I agree.

Whoever did this is still out there.

There's only one way to draw them out.

Geils does surgery... on me.

Tribeca, for God's sake, you know about your fear of comas.

Let me be the patient, you be the doctor.

If I'm ever gonna put this fear behind me, I got to go back under.

But everyone heard me volunteer, right?

[Monitor beeping]

Hold on a second, Dr. Stein.

You're gonna be okay.

I know. I trust you.

But be on the lookout for anybody trying to take my organs.

Copy that.

[Sighs] All right, let's get started.

Sharp cutty thing.

Ow! Ooh. [Inhales sharply]

Right through the glove. sh*t, that hurt.

[Inhales sharply] Okay, here we go.

Concentrating, concentrating.

Geils, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure, what's up?

Our son, Angela, who's his mother?

That really important, who's his mother?

Do people really care who their mom is?

In my family, it's a tradition.

It was some Canadian chick I slept with who I've never spoken to again.

What part of that doesn't make sense?

As far as I'm concerned, you're Angie's mother.

Case closed.

Case reopened based on new evidence.

Yeah, that's pretty damning.

Monica, I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Geils.

Oh, come on, don't do the walk-away.

[Monitor beeping]

[Sighs]

Where's my scalpel?

Where's Dr. Stein?

Oh, my God.

Angie, you're gonna be okay, you hear me?

I'm gonna find your kidney, and I'm gonna put it back inside you, and everything's gonna be okay because I love you.

And that thing with me and Scholls, it's over.

I broke it off no matter what she says.

It's you and me all the way, baby.

He's never gonna leave her, is he?

It's Dr. Stein, the anesthesiologist.

He takes the organs, and I sell them on the black market.

It's a profit scheme.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of all of you, because in the end...

[Elevator bell dings]

[Elevator bell dings]

Dr. Stein, hold the elevator.

Thanks so much.

Dr. Stein: [Grunts]

Sergeant Pepper: Angie. Come to the other side, Angie.

Sergeant Pepper? Where are you?

I'm here.

Where?

Marco?

Rubio.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Boop!

Boop! Boop!

Hi there.

Sergeant Pepper.

Angie.

Angie. Angie.

Angie.

What happened? Did they take my kidney?

Yes, but I found it, and I put it back in.

[Groans]

Angie, we did it.

You conquered your fear of comas, and I conquered my fear of performing surgery.

Thanks, Geils.

So, I told you this when you were unconscious, but Scholls and I... and this was completely my decision... we broke up.

I'm sorry.

I think it really bothered her that I lied about who I had the baby with.

Women are complicated.

Anyway, I'm kind of hoping...

Geils, I think I have to find some things out first.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Of... of course.

What things?

It's kind of personal.

Okay. I get that.

Can I know?

No.

No.

Thanks for putting my kidney back.

I'll think about you every time I pee.

Yo.

Jackie Wilder's new book just came out based on this case.

Check it out.

I am so excited to cut the ribbon for the Joe Perry Center for Weird Moles and Worrisome Lumps.

It is my dream to one day cure cancer so that, once again, we may all enjoy the pleasures of smoking and drinking.

[Applause]

[Camera shutter clicking]

Hey, Nurse Lowboobs?

Hmm? What is it, Sugar?

I was wondering if I could see the visitors log from when I was in a coma.

Oh, sure, yeah. Uh, oh, I got it right here.

Thanks.

♪♪