01x10 - Funsgiving

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm just here to pick up my turkey day donation box.

Yeah, what's the name of this organization again?

Needy Families in Need.

Such a vague charity name. It all feels very sketchy.

Oh, Allison, there's no organization more reputable than Families in Need with Neediness.

That is not the name you just said.

Marv: We are officially closed for the Thanksgiving holiday.

(whoops)

Everyone have a great weekend.

I've got to start prepping a feast. Why is she always here?

Just grabbing the Thanksgiving donation box.

Sounds sketchy, but I got bigger problems.

I got last-minute shopping to do, turkey to brine, sweet potatoes to peel, cranberries to soak.

Please don't go nuts about Thanksgiving.

We are going to like whatever you make.

Although, the cranberry sauce was a little chewy last year.

I didn't know how to zest an orange.

I think I just ripped up the peel.

Your mom was always the chef.

I was drinking, watching football and drinking.

Okay, at least let Brad and me do the shopping.

Actually, that'd be great.

Hey, if I can just chime in, sweet potato-wise, I'm marshmallow intolerant, which brings us to the hot, blonde elephant in the room.

Um, I have yet to receive my formal invite to Thanksgiving dinner.

Want to let her down gently, or can I do it my way?

Um, Amy, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear before, but Thanksgiving's just gonna be...

Family only, no tenants or... let's just say it... Amys.

(chuckling): All right?

Your dad seems to be on the fence about me at Thanksgiving.

Honestly, if it's anything like last year, you're probably better off missing it.

First one without Mom.

Yeah.

Oh.

Dad distracted himself with shopping and cooking.

He did all of these crazy preparations, and then the second we sat down...

He lost it.

Yeah. And then you lost it.

That dog show gets me every time.

Little Pekingese came out of nowhere to win toy group.

Yeah, no transference there at all.

How'd you hold up?

Oh, I was sad, but, you know, I held it together.

She was a rock.

Bet she was a rock.

You're always a rock, aren't you, Allison?

Emotionally, physically. Look at those abs.

Thank you for noticing. Please don't touch me.

All right.

I just hope this year's better, you know?

I can't see my two favorite guys go through that again.

Not gonna happen. Pekingese retired.

Hip dysplasia.

Just the holidays are coming, and I feel like my dad is headed for another breakdown.

And Thanksgiving... I mean, it...

Everything about it is an emotional land mine.

Oh, I hear you.

The tradition, the food, the highly-restricted guest list.

Yeah, but it's unavoidable. I mean, what are you gonna do?

Who says? Why don't you blow the lid off a traditional Thanksgiving?

Invite who you want, eat what you want, invite who you want.

Make it fun.

You know, that's actually not a bad idea.

We could call it “Funsgiving.”

Oh, I don't think you have to slap a label on it, especially that one.

It's awesome. We do steaks instead of turkey.

Maybe we all pitch in for a grill that I keep afterwards.

We could even have it at my house.

You know, fewer memories for Dad.

Yeah, at our house. Fewer memories for Marv.

And we can distract him with some really fun activities, because that's what Funsgiving is all about.

Sounds like we need a high-end gas grill.

Let's not cheap out. There's a place right next door.

Go nuts.

Uh, did you just steal my credit card?

You're obviously going to have to learn the hard way to zip up your purse!

This might be a very expensive lesson for you.

You know what's so great about this idea?

Your mom loves it.

What?

You know, I'm an angel. I can talk to the other side.

Yeah. I'm going to stop you right there because we are treading in super offensive territory.

I'm sorry. Shh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. She's saying, “Hit the triangle” but what does she mean by triangle?

Pyramids? Where are there pyramids?

Stop it.

The Luxor Hotel. Your mom wants us to go to Vegas.

Please stop talking about my mother.

I'm sorry, honey. It's so close to the holidays.

It's inappropriate, yeah.

I don't know why she called.

Since we're going non-traditional all the way, maybe we could include...

Yeah, you still can't come.

I'm sorry, but this is all about making my dad happy, and...

And?

You do not... make my dad happy.

I hear you.

Invite contingent on winning over Marv.

Yeah, see, every time you say, “I hear you,” you then make it painfully clear you did not.

Roger that.

Ma'am? Ma'am?

It's okay. I'm with Feeds For Needs.

Marv, you're better than this!

Brad: Dad, drop the rolling pin!

This is a kidnapping.

Thanksgiving's been canceled and replaced with Funsgiving.

Not on board with the name.

You don't need to label it.

Amy, get out of the liquor cabinet. Brad, why are you filming this?

'Cause I'm the family documentarian.

I'm calling this one Zero Dark Turkey.

Now that's how you name something.

Dang it. Forgot to hit “record”"

Everybody out. We got to do it again.

Brad, put the camera down.

Somebody tell me what the hell's going on here.

You are done cooking.

We are going for drinks at Forties.

The fun starts now.

The fun's already begun.

How can you not see that? I'm brining.

I'm peeling, I'm soaking, I'm dicing.

I'm miserable. I can't get these fingers apart.

Dad, the stress is not good for you.

Let's get you something that is.

Alcohol. Wow. And I'm a doctor.

Yeah, no, I give in. I can't do this.

I'm in.

Yeah.

I don't want this.

Oh!

Well, this kidnapping went way smoother than my last one.

Funsgiving... it's not gonna be like one of your other themed parties, is it?

Where a m*rder mystery breaks out at some point?

No.

But there is gonna be a Wheel of Fun.

With lots of fun activities on it.

Okay, oh for two.

Brad: All right.

It's time for me to find out which one of these girls is gonna give me all ten of her digits.

Area codes are a fact of life now, people.

Hmm.

Who wants a MacManus?

That's my favorite Scotch.

I know.

And I also know that you are a fan of the juice box.

It's the perfect single serving.

Stay the hell out of my cabinets.

Oh, Marv, let's start over.

Thought you'd meet me halfway on that one.

♪ ♪

Hi. I'm Brad.

Hey.

Oh. I'm Brandi.

Brandi.

Can't, uh... can't spell “Brandi” without “Brad”.

Well...

Then... a couple more letters.

Oh. You're a good speller.

Well, I've won a lot of bees.

(laughter) Okay.

So, what do you do?

Uh, I'm a flight attendant.

That's insane. I'm-I'm an airline enthusiast.

Well, I love enthusiasm.

You seem like an Airbus A320 girl?

Oh, my God, well, that's my plane.

I knew you were a busser.

They're good birds, good birds.

Stay out of aisle 25, of course, right?

Those seats don't recline as much.

Right.

You're laughing with me, right, not at me? Just want to make sure.

Mm, yeah.

Okay, do Liam Neeson, but you just get one word.

One word? Um...

Yes.

(like Neeson): Bananers.

(laughing)

I'm gonna hit the head. Cheer up, will you?

Allison: Wow.

You two seem to be getting along.

Well, we're not all that different once you get past the height and the hair, and the fact that I'm a celestial being.

Brad: Big bro just crushed it, got digits.

(gasps)

Who's the lucky lady? I got to give the sister sign-off.

She went in the other room. She's awesome. Super cute.

Flight attendant in town for the night?

What the hell are you doing here? Close that deal.

No. You don't want to have sex with someone the night before Thanksgiving.

Wake up on a stranger's couch on a major holiday? Not happening.

She's coming back in town next week. I'm leaving right now.

Sounds like you fumbled on the one-yard line.

No. I'm taking a knee on the one-yard line.

Then next weekend, boom, explode into the end zone.

Gross.

I'm not gonna apologize.

That was a perfect analogy.

Okay, I think I'm ready to go. How about you guys?

Leaving already? I thought we were just getting started.

Yeah, I'll hang with you, Marv.

Just the two of us without any witnesses?

What the hell. I've already been kidnapped once tonight.

Marv's in! Come on, one more round. Is Brad in?

No, can't do it. I got to get out of here.

I'm working a slow roll strategy for the holidays.

Allison: I got to go prep for more fun, which is almost as fun as the fun itself.

Okay.

Oh, Marv, your daughter is a delightful nerd.

Oh, look at you checking out that beauty.

I see you like your women the same age as your Scotch.

15.

(laughing): 15.

That'd be super illegal.

Yeah.

Why don't you go talk to her?

It's been a while since I've been out there.

Ellen and I got married straight out of college.

Well, the game's the same.

You're still five feet of thunder.

Five, six.

Ah, don't quibble about the inch count.

That's a short man's game. You're better than that.

I don't know.

Oh, come on. It's just flirting.

You flirt with me all the time.

I'm not sure you're clear on our dynamic, but I appreciate you trying to cheer me up.

How much do you appreciate it? Did you appreciate it enough to let a certain someone attend a certain upcoming, poorly-named family event?

You can come.

Amy's in!

Amy, you've been in my room forever, and that makes me very concerned.

Well, I couldn't find your speakers, but I did find this.

Look, it's a box of all your old home movies.

Pop the corn. It's show time.

Write it down as a potential activity and put it in the Fun Bowl.

It's just a bowl, Allison. It doesn't need a name.

Hey, when's my new bestie, Marv, getting here?

Yeah.

Just to triple confirm... you are invited?

Because I never got a text from him.

I grow on people, Allison, like a delightful mildew.

Actually, I have no idea where he is, which is weird, because he's never late.

(gasps) Oh, no, you don't think he's sitting at home reliving last year's emotional breakdown?

Thanksgiving is so hard for him.

Yes, so hard. For him.

Oh, and his phone is going straight to voice mail.

We have to go check on him.

How was he at the end of the night?

I don't know. I left early.

Had a little rendezvous with the Oyster King.

Who, by the way, is in a post-coital slumber back in my guesthouse.

Is it cool if he's my plus one?

No.

Okay, I hear you. I'll text him that that is a maybe.

Dad?

Dad?

Is everything okay?

Why are you smiling so hard?

Hey, Marv, where do you keep your cinnamon?

Oh. Hi.

Look at you! I feel I'm owed some credit for brokering the deal. I want ten percent of that smile.

It's a good time to ask me for things.

In fact, anything you see, really, just take it.

Hi. I'm Marv's daughter, Allison.

Oh.

Brandi. Hi. I recognize you from the photo in your dad's... bed... room.

Marv: Allison, I'm so very sorry that you had to see this.

Well, you know, you can't start Thanksgiving any more untraditional than this, huh?

Marvin Gardens.

Right.

Uh, Dad, could you slip into something a little less comfortable?

Of course.

Oh...

(chuckles)

(phone rings)

Hello?

So what did happen at the bar last night?

Did you hook my dad up?

No, no, no.

I swear I just wanted him to flirt.

I had no idea he'd close the deal.

Oh, Allison, a real underdog story played out last night.

You know what? It's all gonna be fine. It's gonna be just fine.

It's gonna be fine, fine, fine.

That's a lot of fines.

Yeah, 'cause I'm good. I'm really good. I'm good, good, good.

Take it easy.

Allison, again, I am so sorry that you had to... walk in on all this.

No, Dad, the whole point of today was for you to have a good time.

I'm actually really happy for you.

But not as happy as you are for you. You look like the Joker.

I can't stop smiling.

It actually hurts.

(chuckles)

Well, Chicago's snowed-in. My flight got canceled.

So I guess I have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving.

How horrible for you.

Brandi, would you like to come to my house for Thanksgiving?

Really?

Does this make sense?

It feels ill-fated.

'Cause it's gonna be great.

Yeah. It's gonna be great, great, great.

Okay, sure. Why not?

Great.

Brandi's in.

So great.

(whoops)

Okay, I've got everyone's favorite apps.

Got pigs in a blanket for Brad. Lo mein for Dad.

Cigarillos for Amy, not to be smoked on the property.

And, Brandi, I really just took a s*ab with this. But jelly beans?

I don't mean to insult you. It's really just all I had.

Oh, there's nothing insulting about jelly beans. Allison, come here for just a sec.

Did you see Brandi's necklace?

It's a triangle. It's what your mom was going on and on about. She said she wanted your dad to hit the triangle.

Brandi's the triangle.

But then why would your mom want your dad to hook up with Brandi?

Hi.

Hey!

Brandi?

Hey...

Brad. Th-This is...

I was gonna call you. I don't have to now 'cause you're sitting on my sister's couch. Did you guys talk after I... No?

Amy? Did you guys do this to surprise me?

Do a Thanksgiving surprise?

That's insane. That would never be done.

My dad has a huge grin on his... face. Oh, no.

Wait, Marv is your dad?

This is just spectacular.

You two know each other.

Yeah. She was my digits.

(quietly): She was your flight attendant?

(quietly): Yes.

I think she can hear us.

And I think she can understand.

I'm sorry. I thought we were on the same page, doing the old... the old Thanksgiving Eve slow roll.

I don't know what that is.

I fumbled on the one.

I had no idea you two knew each other.

I feel terrible.

That's not coming through that big smile of yours.

Allison: Okay! It's Fun Bowl time! (clapping)

Fun Bowl. There's a bowl of fun on the table.

Yeah.

Yeah. And, uh, Brandi, since, uh, you seem to be in the middle of everything and the guest of honor, why don't you go ahead and fish a fun activity out of that bowl.

Great. Okay.

Yeah.

Um...

What do we got?

Basketball.

Hey, pick another one.

No.

Can't do that. We got five.

Those would be uneven teams.

You know, I happen to have, in my own domicile, uh, a certain gentleman, uh, who has moves as smooth as the late Michael Jordan.

Jordan's still alive.

Fine. The Oyster King can play.

Just have him meet us at the park.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Amy, Brad, you're on my team.

Brandi, Dad, and... the Oyster King on the other.

Am I really calling him that?

He's earned it.

Actually, I can't play.

You know, I only have heels, so...

Well, that seems like a 15-minute-ago thought there, Brandi.

Hey, just play in your bare feet.

Great.

All right?

Let's do this.

Yeah!

(whoops)

Need some help with those?

I'm good.

Oh, look.

Me against Dad. Like always.

Since when?

Since always!

All right, see if you can steal this like you stole Brandi, huh?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah!

Come on, Brad.

Get your head in the game.

This is supposed to be fun, guys!

This is fun. He's playing an erogenous zone defense.

Brad, I'm open!

(distorted): No!

Oh! Ooh. Ow. Ow! Oh, my foot!

Let me take a look. I'm a doctor.

I didn't know that.

Did you not even talk to her?

Yeah, it's not good. We should get her over to the ER.

Or...

Funsgiving is over.

It was over when he slept with his son's date.

I didn't know! It was Amy's fault!

She was the one that was wingman-ing me.

Well, I wouldn't have had to if you had simply invited me to Thanksgiving in the first place.

Hey, guys, my foot's really hurting.

Brandi, let 'em work it out.

I just wanted it to be us, just family, you know?

A traditional Thanksgiving.

And I was only trying to make it different for you guys this year.

Congratulations. It's different.

This year we're going to the ER.

Here we go.

Easy does it.

Easy, easy, easy, easy. Got you, got you, Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Got you, got you. I got you.

Ah.

I got you.

Amy: Yeah.

At least one of you stay. The teams are uneven now.

Fine. Funsgiving's over.

Aw. Come on. Come here.

Don't even. No.

No. Come on, honey.

Allison, what are you doing?

Cleaning up this giant failure. No one even ate the appetizers.

We're gonna be having lo mein sandwiches for weeks.

You've been running around keeping yourself busy all day.

Let me do this. Go. Get out of here. (sighs)

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll do that.

I'll just let 'em soak.

So what's the protocol for how long we have to stay here for your one-night stand?

Well, we at least have to fill out this form.

Last name...

We'll circle back to that.

Address...

I think she said her hub was Chicago.

She's from Deerfield. How do you not know that?

She's 33. She has mild asthma.

Her favorite color's purple. There's no box for that.

It's like you two are strangers.

We are.

We had a few drinks. We went home together.

And for a few moments, I actually forgot that it was Thanksgiving and the holidays and all the sadness.

So I'm sorry if I ruined your chances with...

Brandi.

I know. I'm sorry I'm being...

It's okay. I-I... I'm actually glad that you're... you're out there. Grossed out by it.

Right?

But glad.

Well...

Just have to get used to the fact that we're competing over the same women.

It's not a competition.

You get one-zip out of your head.

All right? Get it out of there.

Okay. It looks like Brandi did break her foot, and it turns out she's gonna need surgery.

We're gonna keep her overnight.

Okay. Thank you, Doc.

Thank you.

So what's the protocol for staying overnight?

Do we both...

Maybe neither?

Yeah.

She's gonna be out all night.

Just come back in the morning. Just...

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe bring coffee. I'll bring bagels.

Come on, Dad. She can't eat gluten.

(crickets chirping)

Hit the triangle.

Honey, are you okay?

I heard about the big breakup.

I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Really? I know how much you loved New Kids on the Block.

And they were a... great band.

It's okay to let it out.

Brad, why are you filming this?!

I'm the family documentarian!

Get out of my room!

I really miss the New Kids on the Block.

They were a... great band?

Oh, kiddo.

I am so not hangin' tough, Dad.

Is that, uh, one of their songs?

(sniffles) It was their biggest hit.

I miss Mom, too.

Wow. Shocker. She did not clean up.

Are you okay? Did you just watch that dog show?

Do not tell me what happened.

I actually am okay.

But I'm starving.

Yeah, me, too. I just wrapped lo mein around cocktail weenies.

Times are bad.

What the...

Is Amy having a party out there?

Hmm?

Hello, hoopsters.

Hey. We didn't expect you to make up so quickly.

I had the Oyster King create us a beautiful feast.

Get your jeans on, Clark.

Uh, I think I left those in the garden.

Mm.

Amy: Welcome to my inclusive Thanksgiving dinner.

Where nobody has to beg for a formal invite or have quick, unsatisfying sex with Marv.

I'm just guessing, but it's been a long time.

It probably wasn't very good for her.

So, all this food you've been collecting has been for us?

We were the needy family?

Wow. That is so self-centered.

No, you people are Beverly Hills doctors.

This food is compliments of Dr. Allison Fuller.

Honey, you have got to learn to zip up your purse.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all.

Happy Thanksgiving, Amy.

Please stop snooping through my stuff.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

This meal before you was made with love and without pants.

Let's eat!

(chuckling)