01x11 - The Flask

[bunniefuu]

All right, ladies, how are we feeling about these wedding cake choices?

My favorite is the rum soaked.

None of them are rum soaked.

All mine are.

Thank you so much for tasting these cakes with me.

No problem... I moved Pilates to tomorrow, and I rescheduled my teeth cleaning.

Though after all this cake, I will definitely need Pilates and a dentist and maybe a sh*t of insulin.

(Kelly chuckles)

Hank is so busy at work lately.

At this rate, I may need you to pinch-hit as the groom.

And for the record, I do look great in a tux and a shoe-polish mustache.

In the eighth grade, I misunderstood the rules of the Sadie Hawkins dance.

That's my girl. Go big or go home.

I went home.

You look great in anything.

Isn't she a wonderful friend?

Look at all that she's doing for you.

Okay, so I do hate to ask you this, but there is one more thing I need help with.

Do you have any plans this weekend?

Well, um, actually I have this awesome medical conference in Palm Springs.

It's, like, spring break for skin doctors.

But instead of wet T-shirts, we wear long-sleeve T-shirts, because that desert sun is no joke.

Sounds cool, uh, but I was gonna see if you could help work on my invitations with me.

Oh, of course you were, bride-rilla.

I think you mean “bridezilla.”

Uh, no, not when you're acting like a big gorilla, pushing people around and flinging your own poo.

Okay, I think we can find some time to do that before I go.

Yeah, what are bridesmaids for?

Mmm, well, historically, they were decoys, so they would get kidnapped before the bride would.

Uh, but their lime-green dresses always gave them away.

(fakes laughter) She is so funny... and aggressive and always around.

I think I have the liners and envelopes in my car.

So I'm just...

Great, I'm gonna help her.

♪ ♪

Oh, uh, by the way, you wanted me to remind you when it was the first of the month.

Yes, yes, awesome.

Thank you so much.

You remember any context clues around that?

Yeah, the context was rent.

Rent. Uh, no, thank you.

Saw it in the '90s, huge bummer.

I'm more of an Annie gal myself.

No, we agreed this month you were going to start paying rent.

Oh, I have your rent... right here.

(chuckling): Well, don't get up.

I am getting the impression from the crossed-out word “classes” that this money was supposed to be spent on classes?

Yeah, I was gonna go back to school and learn a new skill set, better myself and find a job.

Well, what happened to your magic gig at the farmers' market?

I lost it.

You make a kid disappear for 20 seconds, you're a hero.

20 minutes, you're a person of interest.

You know what, I think taking classes is a great idea.

You should spend your money on your education.

That way you can get a regular job, and you can pay me every month.

Wow, you are really a good friend.

Just focus on your studies and pay me when you can.

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that I will. ♪

Okay.

(knocking on door)

Hey, Dad, you ready for lunch?

Yeah, just a second.

I'm having phone trouble.

Oh, you know what?

Tell me if you get this text.

(phone whooshes)

“Did you get this? Love, Dad.”

Yeah, I got it. (chuckles)

Old people always be signing their texts.

Damn it, this thing works.

I haven't talked to Linda in days, and I just assumed that my cell phone and my computer and my iPad and my work line and my Blu-ray player were all on the fritz.

(gasps)

Sounds like you got ghosted.

Maybe.

I mean, I can't take it off the table, seeing as how I don't know what it means.

No, ghosting is when, instead of dumping you, someone stops communication altogether.

Poof.

They're gone.

That's barbaric. Who would do that?

A spin instructor.

What?

Yeah, I just got ghosted by a spin instructor I'd been seeing, which was a huge bummer because as I said twice, she was a spin instructor.

Linda would never do that to me.

We did have a little tiff at our last movie night date, but...

Tell me more about this tiff.

Was it because you were repeatedly trying to guess who the k*ller was?

I wasn't guessing.

It was the albino.

He didn't have any melanin, but he certainly had a motive.

It's something that you do that's totally annoying, Dad, and, unfortunately, grounds for ghosting.

Poof.

Let's get lunch.

Amy: Great work, everybody, huh?

Wasn't that fun? So good.

Oh, and, Phyllis, remember, silly accents are a comedy crutch.

Amy?

Oh, 'allo, guv'na.

Allison: These are the classes you've been taking?

Improv?

Well, I would come up with a witty off-the-cuff way to say yes, but I am drained.

I thought you were doing something to help you get a job.

Oh, I am. Improv school teaches you to think fast on your feet.

Here, give me a situation.

Here's a situation.

Mm-hmm.

You need a job so you can pay rent.

(imitating robot): Robots don't pay rent.

Nor do they feel love.

And scene.

Wow, that got sad.

Tomorrow I'm gonna help you find a real job.

Oh, I already have a real job.

One that pays.

Oh, being a guardian angel pays in smiles.

Now give me one.

(imitating robot): Human, you owe me a smile.

Allison, you don't have to help me find a job.

My gosh, I know how busy you are, what with Kelly's invitations, your Palm Springs convention.

I know how important that is to you.

Well, it is the Who's Who of the SoCal derma world, but it's okay, I can be a little tardy.

Anyway, so my friend told me they are looking for a receptionist at their law firm.

Oh, a receptionist.

Well, I have been told I have a very sexy phone voice.

At least according to my former boss at the hotline.

No, it's not what you think.

It was a su1c1de hotline.

Ultimately, not a good fit.

Okay, um, did you put together a résumé like I asked?

I did, I was up all afternoon.

Okay.

Uh, eclectic work history.

Drug counselor, computer programmer.

It says you were a licensed masseuse in the Albuquerque technique?

Yeah, it's a modality of body work in which the practitioner wears a lot of turquoise, and, uh, well, it gets pretty unlicensed in the end.

Under “objective,” it says “sustained.”

Yes, I'm interviewing for a legal position, correct?

Yeah.

Um, okay.

So let's talk about your interview.

Now, I... came up with a list of tips.

Thank you.

Yep.

And I bought you some work-appropriate attire.

Oh, Allison, I think I know what work-appropriate attire is.

Ooh, look at that.

Oh, a sleeved vest.

It's a blazer.

Well, what you call a blazer, I call a sleeved vest.

What you call overalls, I call a panted vest.

And what you call “keeping a secret,”

I call “playing it close to...”

I get it.

“...the boobs,” Allison.

“Playing it close to the boobs.”

Never anticipate me.

Okay.

♪ ♪

You were right.

She ghosted me.

Poof?

Poof!

You're gambling online again?

You know what you need?

I'm taking you to a place where guys forget about their exes, clear their minds and just be men.

Linda who? Am I right?

That might be the biggest rack I've ever seen.

Ah, come to Papa.

Yes.

Thank you, Paulo.

And, remember, green means go, so keep the meat coming.

Yes.

Hey, how'd the interview go?

Pretty well, I think.

I used those tips you gave me.

I demonstrated a high level of responsibility.

Nice to meet you, Amy.

Can I get you something to drink?

No, I really shouldn't.

I've already had a few.

I established a personal connection.

Might I say your husband is quite bangable.

That's my son.

Oh, that explains the soccer uniform.

And I wowed her with my extensive knowledge of the legal system.

I have been successfully convicted of DUls and BUls.

Biking, boating and beekeeping.

Now... convince me why I should work for you.

I think I'm in pretty good shape.

They introduced me to HR and the head of security.

Feels like a done deal.

Back again, Brad?

Are you celebrating another big win in online poker?

What? I don't do that anymore. (chuckles)

'Cause of the promise I made to this guy, my dad.

Izabella, my dad.

He just got ghosted.

Let's talk about that.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Let me get you some meat.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, lucky Brad, eh?

No, just regular Brad tonight.

Okay.

I can't believe I got ghosted.

Hey, that's the modern woman for you, breaks your heart, then bikes into the sunset.

Figuratively, of course.

They actually bolt those cycles to the floor.

The kicker, of course, is that men invented ghosting.

We called it “I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes”" which, by the way, was nothing to be proud of.

Of course not, but at least we had the decency to lie.

We could ghost an entire family.

Yeah, ever hear of a deadbeat mom? No.

Never.

And, again, just vile behavior.

Atrocious.

Uh, just so you know, even if Linda hadn't ghosted me, we were over.

No doubt, she's awful.

(cell phone chimes)

Oh, I wasn't ghosted. We're not over.

Well, that bit me in the ass faster than I thought it would.

“Sorry, Marv, forgot to turn my phone off airplane mode after the movie.”

“Just now got your messages.

How about we see each other tomorrow?”

I am sorry for misleading you.

You did not get ghosted.

Congratulations.

I'm glad for you, Dad.

Although I still did.

And it ends tonight.

You know what, I'm taking a stand.

For every guy that ever sent a “What up, girl?” and never got a “'Sup?” back.

You're ramping up. Where are we going?

I'm gonna go do what no man in the midst of a gigantic Brazilian steakhouse meal has ever done before.

I'm going to spin class.

After the meat settles.

Yeah, you got to take it easy now, okay?

Let's go to the chicken next.

Wow, well, I guess that's your call then, huh?

And your loss.

Huh?

All right, take care.

I got some really bad and surprising news.

I didn't get that job.

Ugh.

Although they didn't say this, I think I was a close second.

I'll take comfort in that.

I'm sorry. Well, we'll keep looking until you get one.

Wow, look at you still trying to help.

That is both kind and a little delusional, seeing as how you're a three-dimensional being trying to help out an eleven-dimensional one.

All right, I've got exactly six hours to pick up... Wait, where are you going?

I'm gonna get you that rent money.

What? Oh. Oh, God.

You're reaching into your vest.

Please don't hold up that antique store!

What are you doing?!

All right, how much for that?

This old flask?

Yeah, and don't try to low-ball me, all right?

I know exactly how much it's worth.

Amy, you don't have to do this.

I'll give you 25 for it.

Deal.

Amy, you love that flask, and you're not gonna put a dent in your money troubles by selling it for 25...

Clerk: $25,000.

(gasps)

Here you go.

And there you go.

Wait, what? H-How is that flask worth 25 grand?

It's actually a very rare piece.

And flasks are having a moment.

So are vests.

I'm white-hot, Allison.

White-hot.

Rent.

No, no, not here.

You're dropping money.

Oop.

I got it. Fumble.

Might I suggest a bank? Or investing it?

Or at least taking it out of that see-through bag?

Well, I would love to, Allison, except angel rules explicitly state that no angel shall have more than $128 at the end of any day.

And she needs to spend all of that excess money on her human.

Amy, please.

Mm-hmm?

I have got to get these invitations out.

And I have to get to Palm Springs.

The specialty cocktail?

Yeah.

The Ecze-margarita.

The wine? Rosé-cea.

It's gonna be off the hook!

Oh, it's not.

And you know how much trouble I've been getting in with corporate lately, so don't be a bummer.

Let me spend 25 grand on you in under a day.

I don't have time to argue with you.

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

Oh, ma'am?

I would like to give you $500 for half that sandwich.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, not hungry for stranger food.

Wow, you just dropped half a G on a boomerang sandwich.

Geez, this is gonna be easier than I thought.

Okay, I have one $1,000 fan, $23,500 in cash.

Who wants to play money grab?

Not me!

Ah.

I have got to get to Palm Springs.

Clock is ticking on these invitations.

Which apparently I'm doing myself.

Well, what happened to Kelly?

(laughs) She drank way too much free champagne at the bridal shop and she needs a couple hours to sober up.

(laughing): You can't get drunk on champagne.

And you are a little contortionist, aren't you?

You are bending over backwards to please your friends.

You're changing all your plans.

You're letting one of them buy you a trampoline.

I don't want one.

Well, then don't look out in the backyard.

(doorbell rings)

Now what?

Well, maybe it's something very helpful and expensive.

Hmm, let's see.

Hello, Ms. Fuller.

I am Melvin.

Your butler for the day.

I did not order a butler.

I did. Didn't tell you.

Played that one close to the boobs.

Come on in, Melvin.

Get cracking.

Would the lady of the house care for a beverage or perhaps a light dusting around the home?

Actually, I would love a cup of coffee and some help with these invitations.

As you wish.

Your coffee will be served in eight minutes.

(gasps) Are you okay?

I don't need glasses.

Reverse poof.

I apologize for Sixth-Sensing you all.

But this class is being taught by a ghost.

Brad, what are you doing here?

Striking a blow against ghosting.

Noble cause, bro. That move is cold.

Thank you, Bike Seven.

When you disappeared on me, you deprived me of the closure that man deserves.

Nay, a human deserves.

I only did that 'cause I didn't want it to be awkward.

That ship has sailed.

Stay out of this, Bike Ten.

I'm here now.

So what happened with us?

Tell me to my face.

You really want to know?

I deserve to know.

On our first date, you were five minutes late.

You talk about real estate a lot.

You say the word “octopus” weird.

And I think you might have a gambling problem.

Thank you.

Now I know why we broke up.

'Cause you're judgmental and hypercritical.

Turned it around.

Thank you, Bike Seven.

You might want to clip in for this one.

And that is why you had to ghost me, because if you realized how absurd you just sounded, oh, my God.

Five minutes late? That's California early.

I was talking about real estate, 'cause that's my job and you were buying a house.

And I have no idea what you're talking about with “octopause.”

Octopus.

That's what I said, octopause.

How are you not hearing this?

Well, you know what I do know how to say that you don't?

Good-bye.

Um, what about the gambling?

Shut up, Bike Ten.

Amy: So, how's the pressure... too much, too little?

Why are you the one asking me these questions?

I paid a thousand bucks for that massage.

I'll ask all the questions I like.

You know, this actually is relaxing.

(sneezes)

Was relaxing.

Sorry. Allergies.

(sneezes)

Okay.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom and get you an allergy pill.

Amy: Uh, generous offer.

However, there are no allergy pills.

I crushed them all and used them to rim my margaritas.

Maybe a little fresh air then?

Okay.

Melvin: Coffee is served!

(glass breaking)

Coffee will be served in eight minutes.

Coffee will be served in eight minutes.

(imitating Morgan Freeman): Allison rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Her goals seemed farther away now than ever.

Not now, fake Morgan Freeman.

Why is he here?

Well, I can't afford the real Morgan Freeman.

And you once told me that his voice was very soothing to you.

Remember?

(harp playing)

And that is why I also bought you a harpist.

Okay, people.

I should already be on the road to Palm Springs, so if you're here to work, I'm gonna put you to work.

Everyone on the assembly line now!

Allison was frustrated with everybody, save the Morgan Freeman impersonator, who was crushing it.

Marv: Okay.

I'm gonna try this movie thing again.

I promise I've learned my lesson.

Thank you for trying it my way.

I'll talk to you in 90 minutes?

Okay.

(dramatic music playing)

I can't do it.

Oh.

15 seconds in and I know who the k*ller is.

Marv!

It's the assistant football coach.

We got to talk.

What is going on?

I like to guess whodunit.

And you don't.

And when I thought you ghosted me, I got to thinking, how much do we have in common?

Okay.

So, tell me if you're interested in any of the following, fixing old cameras, Sunday crosswords...

I ghosted you on purpose and then totally chickened out.

Did not see that twist coming.

I started to realize that we really don't have that much in common either.

Other than being old friends.

So maybe having shared memories isn't the same as having shared interests?

You can't say we didn't try.

I think I know what might be a great ending to our movie.

Not gonna happen, Marv.

A gentleman always offers.

Sorry about you and the spin instructor.

Sorry about you and Linda.

It's for the best.

Some of the greatest movies have sad endings... Sophie's Choice.

Terms of Endearment.

Notebook.

Both: Gosling.

And don't forget about the movie Seven.

When he finds her head in the box.

Although I totally saw that coming.

Really?

That's one he didn't even get. He was convinced it was just a cake in the box, right?

You're so funny, Brad.

“Cake in the box.” (laughs)

I'm beginning to think that this never-ending meat parade has prevented me from realizing that she is Brazilian, hot and into me.

If you'll excuse me, Dad.

You know what?

I'm gonna switch it to green and let her come to me.

Too much meat, getting up too fast again?

Don't know. Blacked out as soon as I stood up and got back down.

Still kind of out of it.

Okay, we have allergy pills for the sneezy masseuse.

Tissues for the harpist with boyfriend problems.

That's what I get for dating a woodwind.

Allison rushed around, helping the folks that Amy had hired to help her.

Uh, dude, this, uh, glue stick isn't working.

I know, I'm barely getting a buzz. (sniffs)

Well, it took 90 minutes longer than expected, but coffee is served.

Thank you.

Oh, my, it's so dark in here.

Let me turn on some light.

Oh, no.

(all clamoring)

Oops, that was not the light.

Okay, that's it!

I have tried to be patient!

But I am done taking care of you guys!

And I am done taking care of Kelly!

I am leaving for my trip right now.

Because for once, I am going to stop worrying about being a good friend to everybody else, and just take care of myself.

Okay.

Why are you slow-clapping?

Because you did it. You finally did it.

You finally put your own needs ahead of everybody else's.

(whispers): What are you talking about?

Allison, this has all been a great big lesson for you.

And my improv class!

Oh, Amy, don't tell me...

Thing that you've been...?

Yep, that's right.

These are all improv actors Oh.

From my class.

I watched the whole thing from the window.

Guys, you were amazing.

Such great choices.

Thanks for taking care of the baby.

He's in on it, too?

So, the flask, the money, the...?

All improvised!

Based on a loose outline.

Okay, I get it.

And like all improv shows, I'm left feeling unsatisfied and cheated out of my time.

Thanks for the lesson. Time to go.

All right, everybody, into the garage for a cast party, huh?

(whoops) Great work!

Yeah.

You were so grounded. It was so much fun.

Well...

You know, just like in class.

(all clamoring)

Amy: Good work!

Hi.

Hi!

How are the invitations?

Uh, well, I only got about halfway through.

And I'm already late for my conference.

And to be honest with you, I could just use a little time to myself.

Oh, my gosh! Of course!

I mean, you should've said something sooner.

You always put too much pressure on yourself.

I got it. I can take it from here.

Okay.

(speaks indistinctly)

Hey, how was your conference?

Awesome. Seminars all day.

Swimming all night.

Well, you're paler than when you left.

Thank you.

Ooh!

I have something for you.

Your rent money.

I thought that money was fake.

Well, it was, but that there money is from my new job.

I'm teaching that improv class now.

Really?

You're teaching improv?

Yeah.

And I'm really good at it, too.

My mind just really lines up with it.

You give me a character, and I can stay in it for years.

Hmm.

Years.

Fake Morgan Freeman: Oh, Allison had her doubts, sure.

Who wouldn't?

But deep inside, she wanted to believe.

Didn't we all?

I kept him over the weekend.

You're right. It's so soothing.