01x07 - The King Has Left the Building

[bunniefuu]

Thank you, BMW. Code 387. Good night!

Oh, man, great crowd tonight.

That my peanut butter-bacon-n-banana?

Yes, sir.

Thank ya.

Thank ya very much. If you need me, I'll be in my office.

(FLY UNZIPS)

Zelvis: Okay...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Vernon, great news! Zelvis has left the building... on a gurney... because he's dead!

Vernon (over phone): How'd he go?

Booze? Pills? Buffet?

He had a heart att*ck on the can.

Oh, man, even in death he was channeling the king.

He truly is the best.

Was the best. Now that throne is vacated.

Pun totally intended. It is time for a new king!

Aw, come on, man! His body's not even cold yet.

Vernon, mourning is for losers and poor people.

I mean, how many years you come in second place to Zelvis... at the Annual Western Southeastern Elvis Classic?

Every single one of 'em.

That's right.

Whoo! All right, buddy.

This is only gonna take a second.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh... excuse me, young lady, is your mother home?

What is all this?

I'll have you know that you're looking at the soon-to-be...

Western Southeastern Elvis Classic champion.

I'm not real sure what I'm looking at.

Anyway, is Charlotte here? I was gonna see if she wanted to go... watch her old man claim the prize.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, she's gonna have to miss that one.

You know, this is... this is some nice dazzling work.

Are you seriously gonna wear this boring, old cape?

There's no bling on it at all.

Well, I'll have you know this cape has entertained... tens of hundreds of people... and there ain't been no complaints yet.

You really wanna win this Elvis thing?

Yeah, I do.

So... I'm confused.

This Starman guy wants you to cross state lines... violate your probation, just for an Elvis contest?

$1,000 grand prize.

Minus Starman's cut, of course.

What do you mean by his cut?

23.7%. Industry standard.

I don't know, it just sounds shady to me.

Yeah, well, why don't you take off your judge's robe... and get me on down to the competition.

I think I'm gonna take a little nap on the way.

All right, just still not sure it's worth it.

Hey! Elvis is always worth it.

♪ It's calling out my name ♪
♪ Ringin' in my ears ♪
♪ We even hit the b*at We hit the b*at ♪

How do I look?

Subtle... I think Asher will dig it.

I haven't been this nervous since the first time... my parents made me geld their horses.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SWOOSH)

This is your year, Vernon!

You got that right, Grady.

Smell that, Walt?

Yeah, it smells like a mixture of unfiltered cigarettes...

Aqua Velva and desperation.

Yep! That's the scent of the American Dream you're smelling.

Doth mine eyes deceive me, or am I in the presence of royalty?

Lookin' sharp there, Starman. I'm diggin' the jacket.

That's 100 percent pure garter snake. Go on, touch it.

(SNAKE RATTLES)

I was not expecting an entourage, hm. Who's this dude?

That's my good friend, Walt.

Name's Starman... because I turn men... into stars.

My name's Walter, because that's what my parents named me.

And what is it that you do, exactly? Walter?

Uh, you know, this and that.

Fascinating.

Vernon, I'm gonna sign you in and grab your credentials.

You just keep those eyes on the prize.

Well, maybe they can't hear us.

Come on!

Mabel!

Okay, cut! Guys, cut!

Cut!

What?

Cut the music, Val! Val!

I'm trying! I'm trying!

I swear to God! I'm trying!

Great! Now we have to do it all over again.

Sorry, the door was open.

Just because a door is open... doesn't mean you have to walk through it.

Hold on, that's an epic lyric.

Hey, Charlotte, Mabel.

Hey... um, we had an interview for today?

Uh, now is really not a good time.

In case you didn't notice... we're in the middle of filming a kick-ass music video.

Asher, man, we promised her an interview.

Dallas, if we're gonna be taken seriously, we need a video.

Name one successful band that doesn't have one.

Uh, all of them before 1981.

Fine, we can try to fit it in.

Your makeup, it's... unusual.

I can use you.

You can use me.

Come on.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello? I was just gonna pop by for an impromptu pizza party... with my favorite parolee, is he around?

Oh, afraid not. He was doing such a good job around here...

I gave him the weekend off.

He said something about driving down to Tunica for the weekend.

Tunica... Mississippi?

Yup, unless they moved it.

He crossed state lines. And even worse, he didn't invite me.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GLASS SMASHING)

I guess it was '06... me and the assistant manager had words... after I went on a bender and trashed my room.

He smashed my head into that table right there.

A few years later, I was ejected out that exit right there... after I was over-served and urinated in that potted plant.

Yeah, and then 2012, me and a certain cocktail waitress... spent a few romantic minutes right there behind the bar.

Good times.

Oh, yeah, man, Tunica is truly a magical place.

Oh, hell now, that's a recipe for disaster right there, man.

Elvis Tribute Artists and Johnny Cash impersonators... despise each other. Why?

I don't know, man, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys...

North against the South...

Kanye and Taylor Swift.

Historians just don't know.

Want to go find a Cash to harass?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Ooh, this is gonna be fun, man.

They probably gonna run and hide... when they see us coming through here.

Uh-oh!

Whoa, that's a lot of cashes.

Yep.

Vernon, its been way too long.

Ah... good to see you, Uncle Wayne!

Whoo! Looks like you're still slummin' it.

Oh, my God, this is your uncle?

Yeah, the man practically raised me.

If it weren't for me, the kid would never have grown up... to be the upstanding gentleman he is.

Right.

How do you feel about hittin' the buffet, we'll get drunk... and catch up on old times.

You had me at drunk. Come on, buddy!

Ooh, man, it's good to see you, Uncle Wayne.

Vernon: Walt, you comin'?

I'll catch up with ya in a bit. I wanna check something out.

♪ Baby you say we are broken ♪
♪ Yeah we need a love tool kit ♪
♪ But just because a door is open ♪
♪ Doesn't mean doesn't mean you walk through it ♪

Wow, that was really, really good.

I know, I wrote it.

I hate to interrupt, but, um... could I just ask you a few questions, then you...

Yeah, now is not really a good time.

I'm like... I'm like overflowing with creative juices.

It's not a good time. All right, listen up, dudes!

I got some epic ideas on how to make sure this video goes viral.

I just need a few minutes to be alone with my thoughts.

All right, now get out of my way.

Stop looking at me.

That's "soon-to-be-king" Vernon Brown's entry form... and you're welcome.

Hello, Starman, it truly is a small world after all.

Santino Trillions.

Loretta, would you and Lowercase E mind giving us a moment?

I had a little run in with your mother the other day.

Her hair smelled delightful as always.

Nice try, Trillions... but we both know that you did not smell my mother's hair... because you'd only come up to here on...

(BELL DINGS)

Nice try gettin' in my head, Trillions.

I heard you're managing Vernon Brown, the odds-on favorite.

Yup, so, uh, you know, you might as well just leave now.

b*at the traffic home.

Your boy wins, you go home with small change.

On the flip side... you could convince Vernon to throw the gig.

We bet against him... the three of us walk away very slightly richer.

Oh, you now have my attention.

We could form a small alliance for once, Starman.

What do you say?

No, I'm being literal. I mean, you just now have my attention.

So I'm gonna need you to just recap everything you just said.

Okay... you, are you camera ready?

Um, I think so.

Rad. I need you to stand in the back... and pretend to be a living statue.

Just don't block my face and definitely don't block my body.

Okay, guys, let's try and make this one count!

Three, two, one, awesome!

♪ Ringing in my ears ♪

(STEAM MACHINE HISSING)

(LOUD WHIRRING)

No! Cut! Wait, it's not working!

Cut the leaf blower!

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the leaf blower!

Turn it off!

What?

Turn it off!

Huh?

Vernon, you're never gonna believe this.

Starman is gonna try to convince you to throw the competition... so he can bet against you and win a bunch of extra money.

Vernon, I was thinkin' since you are the odds-on favorite... it might be a smart idea for you to throw the competition.

That way, when we bet against you... we'll all make a few extra bucks.

Sure, count me in.

I thought you said Elvis was always worth it?

Not when you need cash as bad as I do.

Ooh, impressive stud work.

Yeah, compliments of my girl Debbie.

Oh, well, I'll have to pay her a little visit.

A word with you.

Your boy... he better come through, or else.

Are you tryin' to intimidate me?

Damn it, Trillions! He'll throw the match.

Ah, Tunica.

Now if I were Vernon Brown, where would I be?

Well, that's obvious, I'd be with me... but that's beside the point.

Hey, where are you folks headed?

On our way to the Muddy Water Casino... for the big Elvis Classic.

On your way to the Muddy Water Casino... for the big Elvis Classic.

You don't say?

Yeah, dumbass, that is exactly, word-for-word what I just said.

I got you now, Vernon Brown.

Clap your hands together for the one, the only, Vernon Brown!

Walt (V.O.): I thought you said Elvis is always worth it.

Grady (V.O.): This is your year, Vernon!

Zelvis (V.O.): Is that my peanut butter-bacon-n-banana?

Vernon (V.O.): Hey, Elvis is always worth it, son.

Starman (V.O.): We'll all make a few extra bucks.

♪ I'll give you all my heart I'll give you all my soul ♪
♪ I'll give you my last dime ♪
♪ If you'll say that you'll be mine pretty momma ♪

Hey.

Hey.

What's this?

Ah, it's just some demos I've been working on.

I'd love to get your feedback.

Yeah, awesome. I'll check it out when I get home.

And be brutally honest... unless you hate them.

And then, in that case, please lie.

Bro, uh, what did you just give her?

Oh, it's just some songs I've been working on, man.

It's no big deal.

Ah, yeah, it is!

We can't be giving our unfinished songs... to some random chick.

Okay, she's not some "chick" and those demos are my songs.

Guys, it's okay, I don't need th...

Classic Dallas. Everything is always about you, huh?

Me?

Dude, you've had your head so far up your own ass today...

I'm surprised you didn't suffocate!

You better shut your mouth! Or what?

Yo, get screwed, Asher.

No, you get screwed, Dallas.

So not only do you borrow my lyrics... without giving me credit... but you also have to borrow my insults, as well.

You know what? No! You can...

Get screwed, Dallas!

Maybe we should go.

Hey, don't you...

I kind of want to see how this plays out.

Knocked it out of the park, man.

Oh, thank you.

That was awesome, man.

Thank you.

Hey, buddy, great performance.

One tiny note, you forgot to suck.

Starman, you're fired.

What?

Better hurry up and announce the winner of this thing soon.

It's already 7:15 and the Johnny Cashes are looking restless.

Ladies and Gentlemen... it is my pleasure to announce the winner of this year's...

Annual Western Southeastern Elvis Classic.

And the winner is...

(COUGHS)

Sorry, I got a little tickle in my throat.

Walt: Look, it's Doily.

Damn it, if they call my name, man, I'm toast.

What are you gonna do?

And the winner is...

(COUGHS)

I think I may have swallowed a hair.

I need you to hit me right now, Uncle Wayne, and really sell it.

Can I get some water?

Hit me right now!

And the winner is...

That Cash just hit one of our boys!

Hey, y'all can't do that to a Cash!

(BELL RINGS)

♪ Let's go to the van ♪
♪ Where milk and honey flow ♪
♪ Come on oh come on ♪
♪ It's better that I know ♪
♪ Then it's bounce and hop and back on top ♪

Ow! You actually hit me!

Hey, stop it! Stop it! Ow! You're really slapping me!

Watch your faces! Watch your beautiful faces!

♪ Come on let's double the match ♪
♪ Yeah yeah come on come on ♪
♪ It's better that I know ♪

Ow! Ow!

Watch the floors, guys! You guys better get up!

Get out of this!

Val: You're tearing this family apart!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ You know everyday will be Sunday ♪
♪ That'll be a happy happy day when I get home ♪

Who are you supposed to be? Roy Orbison!

Get out of here, Orbison! You ain't got no dog in this fight!

This face isn't gonna look so pretty after I'm done with you!

Oh, if you touch my face, I will ruin you!

Oh, yeah? Yeah? You can quote me on that!

Hey! You got your quote! Yeah, how's that feel, huh?

Yep, let's get out of here.

Damn, Uncle Wayne, you still got a half-decent right hook.

You told me to sell it, man. I aim to please.

Hey, here comes Doily.

Man, we gotta get the hell out of here.

Thanks for everything. It's always a pleasure.

I'll catch up later.

Sorry you lost your bet against me.

Truth is, I couldn't bet against you. I bet on you.

Trouble is you're such an odds-on favorite...

I only made a buck-fifty.

I'm sorry you didn't get your prize money.

My prize is my integrity.

Plus, I was able to swipe the tip jar during the fight.

Oh, my God!

Yep!

It was all worth it.

Hey, Elvis is always worth it.

Damn straight.

Oh, my God... well, look at this.

Look at this! Across state lines, that's just great.

I agree, that's a lot of whiskey.

Vernon Brown! Vernon Brown! Hah-hah! Caught you!

Hey, Doily. Caught me doing what?

You crossed the Tennessee state line, my friend!

Hello, Pastor Johnson.

Cool your jets. He's in Mississippi.

He's still in Tennessee.

You... you're in your Elvis suit, and I was at the Elvis-Off... in Mississippi.

I have to admit it to you, Doily...

I was tempted to go to the Elvis show tonight.

But you know what? I had one thought in my head... that kept me from crossing the state line.

You know what that thought was?

What was it? Let me in your head, come on.

I thought that I didn't wanna let a friend down.

That friend is you, Doily.

Vernon Brown, you must think I'm a fool... a fool for ever thinking you'd let me down. I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm sorry for ever doubting you, really, I apologize.

Hey, man, it's all good.

Me and Pastor Johnson just sitting here... having some hash browns.

Oh, wow.

Scattered, smothered and covered.

Yeah, they look great. Sure would love to pass ya some.

But I don't want to take a chance with the state line.

Oh, yeah, well, uh, you know, this could be our little secret.

Right?

Oh, man, I've heard of these. I've heard of these.

Mm! Oh, the best!

Oh! These are good! These are so good!

Whoo!

♪ You say that you'll be mine pretty momma ♪