01x24 - I Feel the Earth Move

[bunniefuu]

Peter: Star-Lord Super-Awesome Adventure Log. Well, I finally made my way back to Earth, but things didn't quite work out the way I planned. You see that glowy thing Thanos is holding? That's the Cosmic Seed, a life-accelerating celestial artifact so powerful it could spawn a whole new galaxy, or destroy the one we're currently standing in. Guess which one Thanos wants to do.

The power of the Cosmic Seed is mine to wield.

Let the galaxy tremble before the might of Thanos!

Only thing worse than Thanos getting the Seed?

His krutackin' gloating!

Peter: Gloating is good, Rocket. Gloating means distracted, and distracted means we can take the Cosmic Seed back from him...

(GRUNTS)

Now!

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(ALL YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Ah!

Whoa. Check out the green thumb on Thanos.

Drax: I always assumed your father's thumb was purple, Gamora.

He's not my father, Drax.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

This is a wild and unpredictable planet.

It must be tamed.

Peter: Hey, that's my home turf you're dissing!

Rocket: I'll show you wild and unpredictable!

Gamora: We have to get that Seed away from Thanos.

I'll clear a path.

(GRUNTS)

Your efforts are futile, child!

I hate vegetables.

(GRUNTS) I am Groot!

Present company excepted.

I prefer my vegetables frozen.

I will rein in this unwieldy force of nature and mold your entire planet into my own superweapon.

(GROUND RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

The power is too great!

Whew.

Huh. Yeah, I thought that was gonna be a lot harder.

(RUMBLING)

(GASPS)

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

I rule this planet and bend it to the will of Thanos!

Ain't used to saying this, Quill, but you were right!

Everybody, run for the Milano.

Hey, what do you furless fatheads think you're doing?

(PANTING)

Nebula is my sister. I can't let her perish.

And Ronan will perish by my hands, not by a mountain of crashing snow.

Peter: Nobody's perishing by anything today.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Your efforts are worthless, so long as I remain in contact with this planet.

Peter: Hang on, guys. Me and Rocket'll get the ship fired up.

I am Groot!

Well done, shrubbery.

Leave me, sister.

Without my bionic implants, I am useless to Ronan.

Gamora: Then maybe it's time you stopped serving him and took control of your own destiny.

I am Groot!

Whoa!

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

Drax: Hold on.

(STRAINING)

By ancient Kree tradition, I now owe you my life, Destroyer.

I give it willingly.

I do not accept your gift, Ronan.

When the time comes, I will take your life from you in revenge!

But now we must cooperate to survive.

I am Groo-oo-oot!

(ALL SCREAM)

Prepare to be devoured by the very land I control.

(GRUNTING)

Rocket, I need those engines!

I'm working on it, Quill!

Allow me.

Huh?

(SCREAMS)

What are you doing?

Stopping Thanos!

The only way to do that is to sever his contact with the Earth.

Peter: (ON RADIO) Already working on it.

There is no escape from Thanos.

(GRUNTS)

Peter: Ronan, power up the tractor beam with your Universal Remote.

That's "Universal w*apon."

(GRUNTS)

Know what happens to cosmic beings who mess with my planet, Thanos?

They get taken for a ride!

(THANOS GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

I approve of this ride.

You don't know what my father is capable of.

You dare trifle with Thanos?

Peter: Um, how come we're slowing?

We're not.

(THUD)

We're going in reverse.

I am Groot?

Offhand, I'd say he's dragging us back down to Quill's stinking mud-ball of a planet.

Then he will fail.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS) Nice going, Quill.

Thanos is gonna take control of your planet. Again.

Oh, relax, Gamora.

Earth is, like, two-thirds water.

He probably splashed down in the middle of the ocean.

Even better. He landed on a dirt patch in some run-down city.

(BEEPING)

Dude, that's Central Park. He's in New York City!

(ALL CLAMORING)

People of Earth, I am Thanos, your new lord and master.

We have to stop Thanos before he takes over Quill's entire planet.

We'd sooner extinguish a thousand suns than defeat our father.

Can the stinkin'-thinkin', negative Nebula.

You're with the Guardians now.

If we work together, there's nothing we can't do.

Ronan: Agreed.

Huh?

We must destroy the Earth. Okay, we can't do that.

We must prevent this disease from spreading.

My ship is equipped with a Quantum b*mb that will easily vaporize your world.

I will not allow this, Ronan.

Or have you forgotten you still owe me your life?

My debt is to you alone, Destroyer.

But in deference to your allies, I will delay my destruction of the Earth for one hour.

Come, Nebula.

Sister, wait.

So, what do we do now?

Call for backup. Big backup.

(BEEPS)

Cosmo: (ON SPEAKER DEVICE) Hello. You have reached Knowhere Security Chief. Cosmo cannot take call. Please not to leave message. Cosmo read mind and reply telepathically as soon as available.

Do svidanya.

Okay, new plan.

After Ronan destroys Thanos, I will enact my revenge on Ronan.

But won't Earth be destroyed too?

Do not vex me with details, woman!

Hang on. With the remaining cosmic energy in this Asgardian container...

Oh, this is gonna be good.

...my Pocket Dimension Storage Vial...

Let us hear more.

...and this roll of duct tape...

Uh-huh. Go on.

Ah, that's as far as I got.

Useless rodent.

(GROANING)

Peter: Seriously, Rocket?

Rocket: Hey, I don't hear you losers coming up with a plan!

Peter: That was not a plan! That wasn't even 12 percent of a plan!

Rocket: Hey, that was easily 23 percent of a plan!

Peter: Ha-ha.

And your fake laugh's no better than mine. Huh?

I am Groot.

Grootlings: I am Groot!

Wait. You wanna spread those little Grootlings all around the city to fight back Thanos' weeds before they can take over the planet?

I am Groot.

But it'll use up the thing that's supposed to grow back your whole civilization.

All: We are Groot!

Drax: Thanos' purple vines of evil are spreading throughout the entire city!

Peter: (ON RADIO) No problem, Drax. 'Cause we're gonna plant our own vines of good.

And then we'll have the entire city covered in Grootlings before Thanos even knows we're here.

Persistent little gnats.

They will be crushed.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

Okay, so maybe slightly after Thanos knows we're here.

No weed's gonna stop my ship.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Come on. Come on!

Peter: Rocket, focus on Groot-dusting. We'll keep Thanos distracted.

Rocket: (ON RADIO) Yo, bud! How goes the planting season?

I am Groot!

(BEEPING)

Keep it up, guys.

We almost got the whole island covered.

Gamora: Unfortunately, so does Thanos.

Drax: He has grown into a giant!

Peter: (ON RADIO) Dude, that's the Statue of Liberty!

(GRUNTS)

I'm caught!

(GRUNTS) As am I!

It's all you, Rocket!

Rocket: (ON RADIO) Last of the Grootlings seeded. Time to sprout!

I am Groot!

What do you mean you need more time for 'em to sprout?

(SPACE SHIP APPROACHING)

Hmm? (GRUNTS)

Ronan: (ON RADIO) Time's up, Guardians. Prepare the Quantum b*mb.

Ronan.

Ronan: (ON RADIO) Planet Earth will be cleansed of the stench of Thanos.

Your idle threats bore me, boy.

It is no mere thr*at, Thanos, but a cure for your contamination.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Come on. Come on!

(GRUNTING)

(REVVING CONTINUES)

(CRACKLING)

Nebula, do not let Ronan destroy this planet.

Earth means nothing to me, sister.

Besides, I couldn't stop Ronan now, even if I wanted to.

Did you learn nothing in our time under Thanos together?

You're more than bionics. You're my sister. And you're too smart to vaporize the greatest bounty in the galaxy.

Computer: Quantum b*mb ready for launch.

Lord Ronan, are you certain it's wise to sacrifice the Cosmic Seed to eliminate Thanos?

(SCOFFS)

And what would you do with the Seed?

Use it to restore that weak and pathetic body of yours?

(YELLING)

I tried curing you once. It was a miserable failure.

Perhaps you should be cleansed along with your traitorous sister.

You are less than useless to me now.

(GROANS)

I am not useless!

(YELLING) COMPUTER: Seven, six, five, four, (GROANS)

three, two, one. b*mb deployment malfunction.

I shall deliver Thanos his demise in person!

I'm coming for you, Thanos!

Not if I come for you first, Ronan.

Huh?

(STRAINING)

(CRASHING)

Do not attempt to defy forces beyond your grasp, Accuser.

You would do well to heed your own advice, Titan.

Arrogant fool.

Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Holy krutack! You did it, Ronan.

You stopped Thanos!

The paralysis is merely temporary.

Just enough time to allow the Quantum b*mb to detonate.

(RUMBLING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Peter: I'm okay.

In mere moments, Thanos and the Earth will be annihilated.

Ronan, should I survive this expl*si*n, I will hunt you down to the ends of the universe!

Nobody's surviving nothing if Groot don't find that Quantum b*mb.

I am Groot.

The only one who can dispose of Ronan's b*mb is Thanos.

And we're powerless to revive him.

No. I still have the greatest power of all.

The power to annoy.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

You gonna take that krutack from helmet-head, huh?

Some evil planet-controlling despot you turned out to be.

Bet you couldn't get rid of that Quantum b*mb if you tried... Ah!

You will address your planet-controlling despot with respect!

(GRUNTS)

Huh? No!

(YELLS)

Let that serve as a warning to all who defy the will of Thanos!

Okay, Groot. While he's still gloating. Now!

I am Groot!

Grootlings: I am Groot!

Rocket: Way to go, bud!

Your saplings are kicking the sap out of Thanos!

I am Groot!

I am Groot!

What trickery is this?

(GROOTLINGS GRUNTING)

Yield, weeds!

Thanos controls the very life force of this soil.

I am Groot!

Oh, yeah? Looks like you're gonna have to fight Groot and his Grootlings for it.

So be it.

(GRUNTS)

Everyone, form a perimeter and protect Groot.

Thanos will not be defeated by weeds!

(GROOTLINGS SCREAM)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

I am Groot!

Just focus on Thanos.

Can't you see we're trying?

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING INTENSIFIES)

Only Thanos will master this land.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

Huh?

(YELLING)

Argh!

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

I'm gonna make another run for the Seed.

Grootlings: I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

The fresh blooms of springtime.

I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

Thanos: Laid waste by an early frost!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Gotta love those Asgardians.

They can build a box that not only holds the Cosmic Seed, but lets me absorb all its energy from you.

(GROANS)

Or perish in the attempt!

(GRUNTS)

Ah!

(YELLING)

Oh-ho, so painful!

(BYSTANDERS EXCLAIMING)

Everybody, run!

What?

Whoa!

There is no escape from Thanos.

(WHIRRING)

You will not take the Cosmic Seed from me, Earthling.

Technically, it's half-Earthling.

Ah, yes, you fight for this planet, yet you are not truly of it.

You are neither human nor Spartax, outlaw nor hero.

You are nothing.

Not true. I come from a long line of legendary outlaw heroes...

Ali Baba, Robin, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown...

Then I will be sure your entire planet witnesses as I obliterate this Leroy Brown.

(WHIRRING)

(GRUNTS)

Rocket: It's harvest time.

Peter, take my hand.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

This feeble display of unity may have defeated lesser beings like Ronan, but it will take much more than that to bring down Thanos.

And so it shall.

Grootlings: I am Groot!

(GROOTLINGS YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Grootlings: I am Groot. I am Groot.

You may hold the Cosmic Seed for now, but you will never defeat the might of Thanos.

Nobody threatens Bad, Bad Leroy Brown on my watch.

(HORN BLARING)

(YELLS)

Now let's get off this planet before we actually find out what that means.

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!

He's the baddest man in the whole... (MUFFLED GRUNT)

Pull us up, Groot, now!

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

No, seriously. It's a song.

Will you focus?

(MURMURING) Hey, who are you guys?

We're the Guardians of the krutackin' Galaxy.

Who the flarg are you?

Whoa! (CHUCKLES) Easy, fur-ball.

I just wanna get a selfie with you guys.

What's a selfie?

Seriously?

Where you been, man? Outer space?

(LAUGHING)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Scanners show no signs of Thanos.

(GROOTLINGS CHITTERING)

Maybe he hopped the D train to Coney Island.

I am Groot.

You seriously gotta reabsorb all them weeds back into you, bud.

But first...

(DON'T STOP ME NOW - QUEEN - IS PLAYING)

Dance party!

♪ I'm a sh**ting star leaping through the sky ♪
♪ Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity ♪
♪ I'm a racing car passing by ♪

(GROANS)

♪ Like Lady Godiva ♪

Peter: So long, Earth!

♪ I'm gonna go, go, go ♪

You're welcome!

♪ There's no stopping me ♪