01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Rushed into this. It's not fair.

Oh, God, Hellie, I had sex.

I mean, God, I'm no better than Terry.

I've always known you were too good for me. Then I went and slept with Lisa.

Now I've lost you... both.

You'll always be his dad.

We hit someone!

Get back in and drive.

There's hundreds of pounds in here.

It's Dougie's money. He robbed bookies.

Get rid of it.

This is the Extending Hermit.

I've never seen one do that before.

Stanley!

This is Stanley, my little brother.

Please, we've got nowhere else to go.

My friend in there, her husband was nearly k*lled by your precious Dougie.

So I'm gonna tell her.

Nita!

It were me. I was driving the car.

You won't regret taking me back.

I'll make it right. I promise.

♪ I heard you on the wireless back in '52 ♪
♪ Lying awake intently tuning in on you ♪
♪ If I was young it didn't stop you coming through ♪
♪ Oh-a-oh ♪
♪ They took the credit for your second symphony ♪
♪ Rewritten by machine on new technology ♪
♪ And now I understand the problems you can see ♪
♪ Oh-a-oh ♪
♪ I met your children ♪
♪ Oh-a-oh ♪
♪ What did you tell them? ♪
♪ Video k*lled the radio star ♪
♪ Video k*lled the radio star ♪

So, this is from the new range.

The Rhapsody cupless basque.

£18.99.

Well, where do you put your, er... well, you know.

Well, they just hang over the top.

Oh.

Well, not for the well-endowed lady, then.

Why not?

I want this for my wedding night.

Have you set a date yet?

Wheels are in motion for three weeks' time.

It'll be proper posh, so you will need hats.

And I'm having a stag do.

Well, why should men have all the fun?

It's exactly the same, except you all have to bring me presents.

It's at mine on Thursday.

By "mine", do you actually mean mine?

Yeah.

Er, Dean's just brushing his teeth.

Off already?

Yeah, busy day.

A party, and then I'm meeting a potential client later.

Well, don't take too much on.

It's fine, I can manage.

Can I help at all?

Er, thanks, yeah.

There's a load of washing wants doing.

It's fine, I can do it.

Er, no, you're all right.

I... I want to help, so...

Oh, yeah, um, you forgot this.

Yes.

The address for your client.

Um, actually, I've left some money out for fish and chips later.

Well, I can afford to get my son fish and chips.

Sorry, yeah, of course you can. Um...

He's so happy that you're back.

Anyway, I've got to go. I've got a factory of women waiting for me to reignite their marriages.

Lucky them.

Are you up yet, young lady?

It's my day off. I'm having a lie-in!

He won't come in, will he?

No.

He's scared of me.

Five minutes to breakfast.

And we don't have it in our night attire.

Good, cos I sleep in the nuddy.

Bog free?

Dunno.

Lavatory. Yes, it is.

Is everything all right?

Mr S was just trying to catch me in the nuddy.

I was not.

I'm gonna book a horse and cart to take me to the church.

I went in my father's Morris Minor.

What's wrong with a bus?

If he catches me in here he'll skin me alive.

Believe me... he's the skills to do it.

She's a living nightmare. And the boy's no better.

Oh, I think he's sweet, and it won't be forever.

I caught him wiping his nose on the upholstery.

The sooner I can get back to work the better.

We're out of lavatory roll!

Toilet roll!

There's enough order forms for everyone.

I'm telling you, it'll put a smile on his face and yours.

So if you just want to hand your order envelopes to Hellie.

I hope you've got enough stock for all these orders.

Right. Get your lazy arses in gear. Break time's over.

Here, Neville. Do you want us to club together to buy you the Maximus Big Man cream?

It's only £3.95.

Ooh, also, um, I'm doing a meeting for new demonstrators.

So, come along, you know, if you fancy doing a bit on the side.

Always up for a bit on t'side.

What are you up to?

I've put an ad in the paper for new demonstrators.

And I've booked a room at the Maythorpe Community Centre.

Hellie, we're getting really good at this, and... I want more, you know?

I want to be a unit manager, have some responsibility, train new recruits.

Got it all mapped out, haven't you?

Um... are you all right finishing up?

Er, yeah.

What, you got to get back for Terry?

Oh, no. Um... I'm meeting someone.

Johnny?

No, it's just a, er... potential new client.

Oh.

Is your mum in?

Mum?

Nita.

Pauline, what are you doing here?

I want...

Richie!

I don't want you hanging round with the Pyland lads.

All right? They're not your mates.

When you go to college you'll see...

Could you do a party for me on Saturday?

I've got to go to a Rotary do with Brian at Councillor Matlock's.

It's going to be very... posh.

Yeah, no, I can't, I've already got a booking of my own, so...

Neet? Who's at the door?

Um, Kieren, this is Pauline Spake.

Kieren. I've heard so much about you.

Well, like I said, I can't help you out, so, sorry.

Yes, I quite see.

OK. Bye.

Er... how's your husband?

He's getting better.

He's hard.

He's such a... proud man.

Oh, I'm sorry. What must you think of me?

I'm just being a daft old bat.

I'm, er... I'm really very sorry, Mrs Spake.

Thank you, dear. But it's not your fault, is it?

Right, I've got to get Brian's dinner suit from the dry cleaner's.

It's not going to collect itself.

It is hard enough at work being around her, but you talking to her, here...

What if you get caught?

And they find out that I knew all along.

I'll lose everything.

Hi.

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I really wasn't sure if you would.

Neither was I.

I can't stay long.

Isn't this against the rules, us having coffee while you're on duty?

I could arrest you.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Well, you did choose him over me.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I...

I'd never done anything like that before. I know it was just a one-night thing.

You don't believe that any more than I do.

I called you because I wanted to explain.

After my dad d*ed, I found out I was adopted.

And that my birth mother lived here.

That's why I moved up here, to try and find her.

Well, have you found her, your birth mother?

I haven't told her who I am yet.

I sat outside her house a few times.

You know, I've seen what men can do to women.

This job, it changes you.

What if I remind her of the man that she's trying to forget?

She didn't keep me, Steph...

.. there must be a reason.

You don't know that. You have to tell her.

Do it. Today. What have you got to lose?

I have to go.

Does he make you happy?

Say he does and I'll leave you alone.

I...

I hope you give your mum a chance.

And then... I lift my veil...

.. and Russy, well, he'll...

Scream?

No.

He'll cry. And then we'll say our vows.

Do you, Dawn Kerry Toxton take Russell...

What's your middle name again?

Moses.

Moses? What sort of name's that?

My mum's religious.

I loved Charlton Heston as Moses.

How did it go at your party?

Good.

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

My "pin the willy on the man" went well.

What's a pin...

I just thought of something.

What sides of St George's are you both gonna sit on?

Oh, no, I know. Mr S, you can sit on Russy's side.

Mrs S, you can sit on my side.

I think we'd want to sit together, Dawn.

I thought we booked St Vincent's.

On account of me being catholic.

Catholic, Christian, it's all the same, isn't it?

Not really.

St George's has got a better graveyard.

You know, for the wedding photos.

Oh, and, Russell, I've booked you an appointment with Mr Fisher.

He's gonna come here and measure you for your wedding suit.

Fisher? He charges an arm and a leg.

Well, it's my money, I've earnt it, I can do what I want with it.

I can.

And, Stanley, we're gonna get you sorted for your sailor suit.

I'm not wearing that. It's for posh nobs.

I was worried I'd get into a mess tracking my orders.

Just follow the steps in your training manual, you'll get the hang of it.

But I can always help.

Lucky I've got such a good teacher.

Mrs Spake?

Yes?

I'm... I'm PC Daniels.

Oh, yes, come in.

Is it about the accident? I'm afraid my husband's not in.

No, um...

No, it's about something personal.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about...

You know, I'm gonna... I'll call back.

Er, when Mr Spake is here.

You said it wasn't about the accident.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

How very peculiar. Is this modern policing?

She's your mother, isn't she?

♪ We can dance if we want to ♪
♪ We can leave your friends behind ♪
♪ Cos your friends don't dance and if they don't dance ♪
♪ Well, they're no friends of mine ♪

Oh, my God. Um, my question is... what is Russell's pet name for you?

Princess.

And yours for him?

Wittle-nookie-nook-nooks.

I call Brian "snuggle sausage".

Right, spin it again.

Oh... er, what's your favourite sex position?

All of 'em.

Take that off your head, son.

Now, what do you want for starters?

Chicken and chips.

No, your starter.

Chicken and chips.

That's your main. What do you want to start with?

Orange juice? Soup and a roll?

I want to start with chicken and chips!

For God's sake.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Had to sneak past my mum.

We're not speaking on account of the wedding not being done in our God's church.

This is a bit fancy.

Yeah, well, since Pauline wanted us out the way tonight, the meal's on me.

Thank God for that.

No need to go overboard.

Now, what do you want to start with? He's having chicken and chips.

Ooh, yeah, I'll have the same.

I didn't expect you to invite so many. Thank God I made Brian go out.

He'd have had kittens.

This house is such a mess.

Since Stanley moved in.

He's a dear, but he will leave his belongings willy-nilly all over the place.

I found a frog in the downstairs bidet this morning.

Imagine that times four. Soon to be five.

Right, who wants a drink?

I don't know about you, Steph, but I could do with something stronger.

There's some peach Schnapps under the sink.

Under the sink.

This house used to feel so big and empty and now it's filled with shoes, and socks, and er...

Frogs.

Makes me realise what I...

.. what we've been missing out on.

I can't imagine my life without Dean.

He means the world to me.

A child is a real gift, isn't it?

Pauline, I um...

Well, don't let everyone see it. They'll all want the expensive stuff.

Brian brought this back from a meat convention.

This will set me up nicely for my first day back at work tomorrow.

You're not enjoying your horn of plenty?

No, I am.

I'll eat it.

Oh, you've had enough.

Don't think I didn't notice you pocketing the bread rolls and the butter.

Do you ever regret getting wed, Mr Spake?

No, never.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Are you having second thoughts, lad?

Cos if you are, you have to tell her before it all gets out of control.

If it's not already.

If you don't marry our Dawn, she'll probably punch you.

♪ Baby ♪
♪ There's no need for living in the past ♪
♪ Now I've found good lovin' gonna make it last ♪
♪ I tell the others not to bother me ♪
♪ Cos when they look at you... ♪

I'm so proud of you, Steph.

Look at you. Running your own recruitment meeting.

I thought it was going to be me and Brian, alone with the TV every evening.

And now... look at me.

Well, I hope more show up for this one than our first meeting, eh?

Your face, Steph, when you realised it was more than just knickers we were selling.

I know. I thought I was gonna have a heart att*ck.

Oh, God, I hope this works.

We need more demonstrators to take some of the pressure off us.

Is this enough chairs?

Hope so.

Looks like we're on.

Hi...

Hi. It's Sharon, isn't it?

My old man's not happy I'm here, but he were happy enough when he saw me in that nurse's get-up.

Which one of yous is Ann Summers?

You look so handsome.

It's just a shame you can't wear a uniform like Prince Charles.

My Uncle Roy's a traffic warden. Maybe I could borrow his.

This is serious.

It doesn't sit right.

It feels too tight in the... trouser department.

Well...

Dawn, I don't...

Russell, just think.

When our kids, Jennifer and Michael, look back at our wedding album...

No, I can't!

All right.

Well, if you don't like them names, then what about Christopher or Abigail?

No, I can't... do this!

You can't do what?

Buy a posh house, wear this suit.

I can't...

Churches, horses and carts. I'm not...

You want too much from me!

Russell, what are you on about?

I can't...

I can't marry you, Dawn. I'm sorry, I'm not ready for all this.

Are you... are you finishing with me?

Yeah.

Well...

Well, you can't.

I won't let... I won't let you.

Are you all done?

I'm doing another session this afternoon.

I told my wife about what you were doing here today. Made her laugh.

Ah.

Been a while since she laughed.

We've been trying, you know, for a baby.

Well, maybe a party's what she needs. Bring the fun back.

Thing is, I er... I live out in Berrington.

Well, we don't cover Berrington.

But... with all these new recruits, I don't see why we shouldn't.

Maybe, er... maybe I could come over, have a chat with her.

OK.

There he is.

Oi-oi. All right, tosser?

Get lost.

Your mum's a prozzie, I heard.

How much does she charge for a blowy?

What did you just say?

Say it again.

Say it again!

What's going on?

Frankie Pyland, I have known you since you were in nappies.

Still bed-wetting, are you? Eh?

Get out of here before I call your mum and she gives you a bollocking!

Wait, where are you going?

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Richie!

Johnny.

What do you want? It's been a long shift.

I thought about speaking to Pauline and telling her.

Christ, you didn't, did you?

No, of course not. You've got to tell her.

Stop interfering.

She's my friend, and you were once.

I can't keep this from her. I can't be around her knowing what I do.

You have to tell her she's your mum.

Why?

Because you're telling me to?

No, because it's k*lling you not to.

You're scared, but what are you gonna do?

Spend your life looking at her from across the road?

Just leave it, Steph!

Stop being such a coward.

Me? You're the one who was too scared to walk away from a husband who was cheating on you.

You have to tell her.

Or I will.

Careful with that shammy. I don't want smudges all over my frontage.

Can I tempt you to some brisket to go with the chops? It's on special offer.

Oh, um...

What are you doing, lad?

Right! I've stayed away like he asked but it's driving me loopy. Where's Russell?

Dawn, this is not the time. Nor indeed the place.

I need to speak to him. So you tell me where he is or I'll... or I'll, erm...

Oi! That's mine!

Coming in here like a runaway bulldozer is not gonna bring him back! Now go home!

Fine.

But you tell him from me that this isn't over.

He can't do this to me!

It's like a bloody episode of Dynasty in here!

My apologies.

I'll put you in an extra chop, gratis.

Oh, thank you.

What are you doing? Aren't you gonna be late for work?

Steph... I've messed up.

I got caught fighting. I didn't know how to tell you.

I've been suspended. No pay for a week.

Terry, what over?

You.

They were taking the piss about what you do.

They said they should put your picture up with the Page Three girls.

I went a bit too far and I...

Jesus, what is wrong with you?

I were protecting you.

I don't need protecting.

Fighting at work, Terry?

Oh, it must be so hard for you being so bloody perfect.

I'm not perfect, but I'm not going around thumping everyone.

No, you're going around selling sex stuff to everyone.

At least I'm earning a living.

Hey.

Have you been drinking?

No.

Sit down, get that inside you.

No.

Sit.

No, I don't want to.

Sit!

You need to get your head right before your mum catches sight of you.

She says you've been getting into bother.

It's nothing.

She's just fussing.

It's just too easy, son.

When you're a kid, it's a thrill.

To get away with it, it's a buzz.

But when you don't, you realise you've overstepped the mark and hurt someone, you can't take that back.

Go on.

Look, I'm so sorry, right? If you want to fire me, I...

Don't be silly, lad.

Sit down.

Let's sort this out, man to man.

What's the problem?

Are you worried about the wedding night?

No.

No, we've done that.

What is it, then?

She wants too much.

A fancy life.

I don't think I've got it in me to give her all that.

Look, Dawn is a frightened little girl who's had to take on far too much too young.

She's had to fight for what she's got. She doesn't know any other way.

Tell her how you feel, lad.

A relationship is built on honesty.

Now, get off home, put your glad rags on.

Let's show that lot at the Rotary do what Spake's the Butcher's is made of.

The caterers are running late, the champagne flutes need to be washed.

Helena...

What are you doing?

See anything you fancy?

Don't be disgusting, Helena.

It's not disgusting, Mother.

You know, sex isn't just for men to inflict on women.

Women have sexual wants and desires too.

I mean, don't you?

Helena!

Well, don't you?

I mean, keeping it all inside you, pretending you don't...

It's exhausting, isn't it?

I loved her, Mum.

Love. What do you know about love?

It was just a stupid crush on your tutor, nothing more.

If I'd had my way she'd have been struck off.

It wasn't a crush.

She took advantage of you, abused her position.

We're practically the same age!

I'm not a child any more!

Thank heavens I was able to keep it from your father.

Would it have been so bad if he knew?

Yes!

Because it was a phase.

Just like this job is, running around selling this smut for Stephanie Kirke.

It's like your her little pet, following her around. You should be ashamed.

Well, no more. Not while you're under my roof, my girl.

Well, how about I leave?

Don't be ridiculous, we've guests coming. You...

This Rotary do's important to your father! Where are you going?

Russy!

Russell!

It's me! I just came to say that I...

I just came to say...

Go away!

Mrs Bundy, I just need to speak to my Russy.

He's not your Russy.

We're gonna get wed.

No, you're not. Finally he's come to his senses!

God's got a plan for my Russell, and you're not in it!

But...

Russell!

Oh, sh*t!

Mum!

Popped round to see Dean.

Terry said you were out working. At teatime.

Your tea's in the oven. Just fish fingers.

I've got to work. I just wanted to see Dean before he went to bed. Mwah!

I thought you had a night off.

I did, but I can't turn it down now, can I? Not since you lost a week's wages.

For defending your honour. What's left of it.

Where is it?

Er... Berrington.

That's miles away!

It's just two buses.

Drive her, Terry.

No, it's fine. Stay here, watch Dean.

He's your husband, Steph, not your babysitter. Go on.

It's fine, I won't be late.

See ya.

♪ Union ♪
♪ Union City blue... ♪

Would you mind helping me with my dickie bow? Pauline's doing her nails.

Is that chap wearing makeup?

You didn't use Blu-Tack to put that up.

No, drawing pins.

How are you feeling?

Like someone's ripped out my heart with one of your meat cleavers.

I'm not one for mincing words, only meat.

So I'm gonna say this straight.

Is it Russell or the idea of a big wedding you're in love with?

Russell, of course.

Really?

Cos it hasn't looked that way from where I'm sitting.

Some folk, they don't want fuss and attention.

They work hard, they don't ask for much.

That's Russell.

You can't turn him into JR bloody Ewing.

I...

I've made a right pig's ear of this wedding lark, haven't I?

Yes, love, you have.

And my dickie bow.

It tastes like vinegar.

It's one of my dad's posh ones.

So, what's up? You can cry on my shoulder till Steph gets back.

What?

I can do sensitive.

Steph said you were in a bad way when you got back from university.

Man trouble, was it?

Was he worth it?

Was Lisa?

She told you.

You know she wasn't.

If I had someone who loved me like Steph did...

.. I wouldn't have thrown that away for a quick shag.

I don't even know why I did it now.

I'm not gonna give you some sob story.

I acted like a d*ck, end of.

Well, cheers to that.

Dad! Dad!

Get off him!

Leave him alone, will you!

Where's Mum?

Get your hands off, he hasn't done anything!

Dad!

Richie, get t'kids inside.

What's going on?

It's nothing, don't worry.

What do you mean don't worry? What's it about?

They're saying they found mine and Dougie's fingerprints in that hit-and-run car.

When were this?

Friday, 24th September.

Look, he's just helping us with our enquiries.

He was with me.

You seem very sure about that.

Yeah, I am very sure. It's the night we decided to keep our baby, so...

We were together all night.

You're in luck this time.

Brian's here, but he's in the back room looking for his cummerbund.

Could be gone for years!

Now, PC Daniels, can I get you a drink?

Hadley.

I'm Jonathan Hadley.

Was Hadley...

.. before I was adopted.

Same as my birth mother.

Same as you.

I've found it! I still need that lint roller, though. Covered in...

Can't find anything in the house these days, ever since they all moved in.

Suspects, eh? It's about bloody time.

Maybe that roller's under the stairs.

You're, er... further out of town than I realised.

Folk always get lost.

Well, I hope you won't be too put out if your wife does decide to have a party.

They, er... tend to take over your home.

Have you brought your products?

Will your, er... will your wife be down in a bit?

I haven't got a wife.

The party's for me.

There's, um... there's been a misunderstanding.

These parties are for women only.

There's no misunderstanding.

I watched you in that meeting... and I was mesmerised.

You're so pretty. Delicate.

I think I need to...

No, no, no, just... wait.

Just wait.

Put it on.

No, you won't be going anywhere.

Argh!

Sir?

Oh. No...

Thank you.

For God's sake, Donald...

Oh, come on.

Oh, Pauline, you made it.

Welcome to Chez Matlock.

Oh, thank you, Donald.

Glass of fizz?

Thank you.

Er, Russell, take one, please.

Oh, here.

This is a wonderful event for you to be seen at, Pauline.

The mayor's here.

He's, um... he's over there, talking to Beverly Foyle.

She's a man-eater, that one.

When she sets her sights on stealing a husband, it's carnage.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, though.

How nice.

I-I-I need you to come and get me.

Come on, Stanley.

Let's go and see Russy.

Coming, Russy. Come on.

Right, are you ready?

Give him your good face.

Look sad. We need to win him back.

Let's go.

Russell Moses Bundy!

I will love you... whether we get married in a big church or a poxy registry office.

Whether we live in a mansion or... or in a cardboard box.

I'd give it all up for you.

You're my bestest friend.

And I have made... a terrible mistake.

Please give me another chance, Russy.

I don't want you to give up your dreams.

I love you for you.

And I just want you to love me for me.

I do.

I'm sorry.

(Thank you.)

(Aww.)

I'm mortified.

What's that girl even doing here?

You've taken her in, haven't you, Pauline? I'm surprised.

That sort will drag you down.

Helena's completely gone off the rails. I don't know...

Bunny...

Can you tell Brian I've had to go home?

I'm not feeling very well.

Er... But you...

See you later, mate.

Next week.

You made a mistake.

I can't be your...

I'm sorry.

You're not my son. Whoever you're looking for, it's... it's not me.

I love my husband.

You need to leave me and my family alone.

I don't have a son. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

We'll get you in bed.

And then I'm going back there.

Terry, just leave it, please.

We'll call the police, then.

No, I don't want the police involved. It's my fault.

Why?

Cos I should never have gone there.

I broke the golden rule.

You never go to a party without speaking to the woman who's hosting first.

It's in our training.

Just promise me you won't do anything.

Promise me.

So, Fred, it's time for the big question now.

To be in with a chance for this week's star prize, a weekend for two...

You piece of sh*t!

What?

Do you know who I am?

I'm Stephanie Kirke's husband.

Don't you ever lay a finger on my wife again.

Bastard.

Oh, my God.

Have they charged you?

No.

Dougie told them we were servicing the car before it got stolen off t'garage forecourt.

What, they believed you?

They believe you. About the baby.

Oh, Neet, you shouldn't have done that, love.

Now you're...

Yeah, I know.

I need to get the money out of here, in case they decide to search the place.

I thought you'd already got rid of it.

Richie's gone. He left a note.

He's taken the money and he's gone!

♪ Looking from the window above ♪
♪ It's like a story of love ♪
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
♪ Came back only yesterday ♪
♪ I'm moving farther away ♪
♪ Want you near me ♪

Hello?

♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪
♪ All I needed for another day ♪
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Sometimes when I think of her name ♪
♪ When it's only a game ♪
♪ And I need you ♪
♪ Listen to the words that you say ♪
♪ It's getting harder to stay ♪
♪ When I see you ♪
♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪
♪ All I needed for another day ♪
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪
♪ All I needed for another day ♪
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪