03x02 - The Calling

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ah, you're here. Hello.

Dan. Allie. Hi, Allie.

OK, listen up. You're not going to get this from any other supply job you ever do. That kid over there is mad.

And I don't mean he's a character, he's f*cking mental.

That one there stinks like the back of a watch.

This girl through there, she is horrible.

Horrible!

I've given them a title, it's Lonely Old Lady.

Most of these dicks will still make up plays about ninjas, but the title slows them down.

40 minutes of going round nodding, 20 minutes of packing up, oh, hello everyone, looks like it's break time.

You get this right, you'll be volunteering to cover drama all the time because... it's easy.

There's no marking.

Um, sorry, I'm not the supply teacher.

Oh, God, you're a parent.

I am, but not to any of these dicks!

I've just got the job.

I'm the new head of drama.

Ah, you've met Miss Clarke.

You've replaced me? Right, so I can leave school now?

Well, technically, I have the option to make you work a term of notice.

And? Till Monday morning.

We'll find you all manner of lovely jobs to do.

A bit of PE, maybe?

That's easy, no marking.

Good luck winning them over.

They're pretty cut up about me leaving, so...

Oh, Miss, I love your hair.

Thanks! Do you like ninjas, Miss?

I do, but I couldn't eat a whole one!

(They laugh)

Let's all get in a circle.

She's hilarious!

Finally!

Oh, my God, I love her!

Right.

Well, I'm not doing PE. He can f*ck off, it's freezing out there.

Well, at least it shows he cares about drama.

How's your mum? I don't know.

She's been hanging out with some old bloke.

What, dating? Oh, yeah, right.

Cos if I saw a woman with Gordon Ramsay's head on Jimmy Krankie's body, I'd ask her out. He's weird.

He's not blind. Don't be such a d*ck!

Well, you try living with two old women who only eat butter!

Well, go out!

Shall I go round to Brian the depressive divorcee's and help him build a model Spanish galleon?

Or shall I go to Jo's and hear her pitch her latest business?

She told me the idea.

It sounds like an animal's fever dream.

Maybe you need to mix your life up a bit, too.

Find something to get passionate about instead of slagging off everyone you know.

Hang on, aren't you supposed to be at a funeral?

I'm going to interpret all that as meaning that you miss me.

Commit to something, you fool!

Emma!

Who does this vicar think he is?

It's a service followed by the burial.

Why does he have to mess with everything?

I mean, who puts a glitter ball on a 17th-century beam?

Although, why I'm talking to you about tradition, God only knows.

How do you mean?

You're dressed as a piece of bacon at a funeral.

Dave's wife didn't want everyone dressed in black.

It's a celebration of his life.

All right? Hi, Dan.

No reaction to the bacon outfit?

Of course not.

(Engine approaches)

Here we go! Here comes the Lord's funky representative on earth.

I like the look of him. So sorry for your loss.

Oh, no, I'm not related.

No, your job. It's so sad when someone loses their way.

Did you hear that? What - I'm the tragedy at a funeral?

Aw!

Guys, so sorry to have kept you.

Lovely to see you. Hi, Drew.

So, it's time for us to get Big Dave Bowers home, right?

It's a big day for Dave.

He's got a ticket to the best club in town - Heaven.

(They chuckle)

Brace yourselves. Last service I saw, he did from - get this - an iPad.

Daniel, you haven't said hello to Daddy.

Daedalus. I would have bought you a black tie if you'd asked me.

Don't worry about the boy, he's a grown-up, Polly.

I can't help it.

Anyway, it's good to keep your mind active.

My friend Joyce stopped coming to bridge and immediately got full-blown Parkinson's.

She actually thinks that happened.

Come on, Polly, I don't want to miss this.

Drew is easy on the eye, even if he does do his milking on the other side of the barn!

A bloody disgrace, ain't thee?

I'm sorry? And so you should be, you look like sh*t on a hill.

You're a bloody mess.

Did you not see the maniac dressed as bacon?

Yes, and a lovely tribute I thought it was by the young lady, but you!

You're not fit to eat soot off a lamp!

Daddy! Come and meet Phyllis before the service.

Coming, dear lady!

That lovely creature may be fooled, but I've seen through thee like a glass of hot, hot piss.

♪ It must be love, love, love. ♪

You know that show pony's already applied for a Christian coffee shop, don't you? Same place you're going for.

Serving Christpuccinos and Latte Us Pray, no doubt.

Tell me your idea. I can help you.

I know these council types, they're the air that I breathe.

Brian, my new pitch is awesome.

What's your problem with Drew?

Mum's fancy man just had a right pop at me!

As if I'm a total loser!

I'm really sorry to hear you've nothing left in life at all.

♪ Nothing more, nothing less, love is the best. ♪

How about Peter Graham and Sally?

OK, let's talk about the main man.

Big Dave Bowers.

I did not like Big Dave Bowers!

"Drew, are you crazy? We're all here to celebrate Big Dave!"

The first time I met Big Dave, all he spoke of was sausage and I thought, "I can't get with the guy who only talks about meat!"

Then I realised I'd missed the glint in his eyes.

And I knew, as sure as God knows I'm right, Big Dave had a passion and his passion was meat.

And meat is all right!

Meat is all right. He fed our souls.

He loved meat.

He loved to meet... you. Yes?

All: Yes, Drew, yes! Yes! Yes!

Peter, you know what I'm talking about.

Absolutely!

(Pop music plays)

♪ Did I ask too much More than a lot? ♪
♪ You gave me nothing Now it's all I've got ♪
♪ We're one But we're not the same ♪
♪ We're gonna hurt each other And we'll do it again ♪
♪ I said... ♪
♪ Love is a temple ♪
♪ Love is a higher law ♪
♪ Love is a temple ♪
♪ Love is a higher law... ♪

My God! I know, it's horse sh*t!

It doesn't even mean anything.

I know!

He's brilliant!

♪ And I can't be holding on To what you got ♪
♪ When all you got is hurt ♪
♪ One love One blood ♪
♪ One life You got to do what you should... ♪

Drew, that was wicked. Thanks! Love the meat tribute.

Thanks. I just wanted to say I'm going to the council tomorrow to pitch for the same shop as you and I've been feeling really bad...

No way! Yes, and I shall be helping her, so it will be thorough, to say the least. Chill, Bri-Bri!

If the Lord wants me to have a Christian coffee shop, it'll happen.

If not, that's cool. May the best shop win, babe.

Let me know how you get on. Thanks, Drew.

You're Dan, right?

So sorry to hear that you lost your job, dude.

No, I didn't lose my job.

I quit. That's OK... little lost lion cub.

Sorry, I'm a...?

You're a little lost lion cub all alone on the plains, right?

I am!

I am a little lost lion cub!

I was like you, man.

Stuck in a life that wasn't working.

And then God gave me the job and the man I love.

I run a little prayer group called Water Wings.

It's low presh, if you want to come along.

No, I don't believe in God, so...

Hey, I can't promise to hook you up with the big guy, but I can promise you some chilled chat and some of Rory's famous sponge cake.

What do you say?

Well...

Yeah?

Maybe.

That's it? You can't pitch that, it's f*cking mental!

You'll get laughed out of the room!

And what's Mickey doing here?

A bit of showbiz, innit?

Go and get in position, Mickey. They're not in there yet.

Chill out, Brian, this is going to be wicked.

No, you can't do this!

Jo Bellingham?

OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's do this!

That's so true, Cathy.

He thinks he's ruined his life, but he's got a really beautiful aura.

Who's next? He has a nice smile.

So true. He seems like a polite sort of chap.

I hadn't even considered that.

Props, Graham. I think he's got a really big, beautiful tummy.

(They chuckle)

Hear that, Dan? She thinks you have a big, beautiful tummy.

That's real, buddy. I liked the manners and the smile one.

All: Thanks be to God for Dan!

Man, OK, guys, let's hustle up the Harvest Fest.

I want those pews full.

Rory, get your cutie patootie in gear and refresh these legends.

A lot of love for you in this room.

But no-one knows me.

That's the genius of what you've done here.

I've been told my whole life I need to change.

But here, I don't have to at all.

Whatever you take from it, man.

Rory, let's bounce, baby boy.

We've got some frowns to turn upside down at the hospice.

I was just going into the herb garden and I wondered if Dan might like to join me.

No.

I'm going to go with Drew. I mean, if a funeral's that big a show, a hospice is going to be Siegfried and Roy.

Peter's a good guy to get your chill on with.

Relax, get to know peeps.

OK, let's go.

Music: Oxygene by Jean-Michel Jarre

Ladies and gentlemen, anyone can do a shop.

But can they offer one that sells everything?

(Lion roars)

Man's voice: Everything.

What do you mean? I'll be stocking one thing from every letter of the alphabet. Before you ask... xylophones.

But that's not everything, is it?

That's just 26 things.

That's less than most shops.

Give me a letter! B?

Bananas! Got three crates of the bastards!

Letter? L?

Lamb - not a real one, made from Lego.

Ooh! Two for the price of one!

BOGOF lamb - mental!

Sorry, are you OK?

I'm Alan Sugar on four pints of coffee, that's who I am!

This shop is the future.

And if you don't give it to me, well, you... you're hopping mad!

HOPPING mad!

(He mouths silently)

Mickey!

Tell me, Dan, when was the last time you prayed?

Uh... When I thought I was going to sh*t myself in a Spanish zoo.

Didn't work, though. Good one, God!

You know, if you really want to talk to God, you must first empty that busy, busy mind.

Well... No, there's always something in my mind.

Oh, tssh-tssh. It's easy to clear away the white noise of life. No.

Peter, you don't understand, there's always one specific thing in my mind.

Oh, yes. What's that?

A Mexican.

A Mexican? Yes, a Mexican.

Full sombrero, the works.

Whenever I try and relax, there he is.

How long has this been going on?

Since Euro 96.

f*cking nightmare, right?

Well, then, you must tell him to leave.

Voice echoes: Leave... Leave... Leave...

'OK, Dan. What's in there?'

Nothing.

But it always starts like this.

He'll be here soon, don't worry.

(Mariachi music builds)

Here he is.

Oh...

Hello, Mexican!

'Now, Dan, just focus on making him leave.'

That'll just make him do weirder stuff, mate.

Yeah. Here we go!

'Change your focus, Dan.'

Take control.

Peter, can I be honest with you?

I don't mind him that much.

I'll level with you. I'm sort of into the "not changing stuff".

OK? I'm going to go and see how the glitter ball turns on.

And, Peter... Yes?

(You should cut this off.)

(It looks stupid.)

(Mariachi music builds)

I can't believe Mickey let me down like that.

A madman dressed as a rabbit would not have helped.

God be with you. Oh, no...

I'm a bit worried about you.

I've never been better, mate!

Get this - everyone down there likes me.

And get this -

I'm just being me!

What's the matter with you? I didn't get the shop.

Aw. That's OK, though, you can come and work at Drew's Christian coffee shop!

He'll probably let you dress as bacon.

Do you think there might be a more conventional period of reflection for you both?

Maybe some counselling? Oi!

The choir was one of many nerd pools that you joined when Julia left you.

And now, just cos I'm into the Church, it's rubbish, is it?

I left the Church the day Drew replaced the choir with a drum machine, Dan.

Anyway, I have a meeting with Jerry Sanderson.

The bloke who just turned my shop down?

Yes. He wants me to join the health and safety committee.

Another nerd pool, eh, Dan?

All I would say is, ultimately, you both have to face your problems.

You both know that, right?

You in? Am I? It sounds awesome!

Perhaps you'd like to peel some potatoes for this afternoon's Harvest Festival meal?

Yeah, I guess it's time I started to face my fears and potatoes are right up there.

I know.

Great that you could bring a friend along.

She's as mad as cheese, but I just know she's going to love it here as much as I do.

I mean... Well, I'm home.

Oh! That's incredible.

I had to endure months of isolation on my retreat before I got anywhere near that level of closeness to God.

Retreat? Yes, spiritual retreat.

Drew suggested it.

He and Sally used to leave food parcels for me at the bottom of the garden.

I was alone for six months.

It was wonderful.

It is incredible that you think like that.

Cos my instinct, when you tell me that story is... that Drew was just trying to get you out of the way, so he could bang Sally...!

..And that Rory has just been a smokescreen all along.

But you think it's innocent and yet, here we both are, in the same place, together, and we're both happy.

I love the Church. I LOVE the Church.

Stop!

So, God made everything, who made God then?

Well, no-one. He just is.

Sorry, Sally, nothing just is.

No, really. He just exists.

Sally, there's a boy on the Heath called Robred.

Robred? Yeah.

His mum couldn't decide between Robert or Fred.

He used to do this trick in the pub where he took his thumb off.

I tried to work it out for years, just couldn't.

Anyway, turns out... he never had a thumb.

It had got chopped off as a kid when he was conkering with Sticky Jim.

He wasn't making it disappear.

He never had one. Bit like God, innit?

We all try and work out who he is, where he came from...

But maybe he never existed in the first place.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

(He exhales and inhales deeply)

(Thank you.)

Thank you.

Oh, sorry, Drew. I was just seeing what it must be like.

Dan, have you seen Rory or Graham?

Oh, no, sorry. That's strange.

They must be putting the Harv Fest banner up.

I could make the tea if you like, Drew? Drew.

They've not even touched it.

Uh! That's weird.

Where's Sally? We were having a well wicked chat then her eyes went all weird and she hasn't come back.

Drew, is that Rory's special sponge cake?

Listen, guys. You welcome people and I'll see what's going down.

I know you're in there, you...

You let me in!

G-Man, what gives?

You! You mess with my wife, I'll k*ll you!

Aaargh! Don't! Gra-Graham!

Chill! Ch-Chill!

(Quiet chattering)

Something's wrong, Jo.

I can't believe I'm saying this...

..but I'm so comfortable in my own skin...

(I think I can handle a service.)

And we both know I'm a beautiful singer.

OK, chill now.

Sit down, dude, let's talk.

(Voices carry from kitchen)

'Oh, that's good. Yeah?

'Good, good, yes!'

Good! More! More! Yeah? Yeah? More!

Yeah? Good. It's good, it's good...

Rory! Oh! Dan told me to... Dan...told me!

Oh, my God, Sally.

Who's going to judge me, Drew?

He doesn't exist. You lied!

Lied!

(Rory cackles madly)

Oh, God! Good! More, more of that!

Dan!

♪ That's why you know you should be scared of us ♪
♪ I know you wanna sing with us ♪
♪ That's why you know you should be scared of us. ♪

Whoo! What about that?!

Jo riding the big Jesus wave on the God surfboard.

All right!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Right.

Great to see Tony.

Tony from the market's here in the front.

I hate Tony!

He's got fat kids!

(All gasp)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I said it.

(All mutter)

Oh! But then I realised...

..maybe Tony's kids have got a thyroid problem.

Tony brings back food at the end of the day, why not feed it to his fat kids, right?

Come on, Jesus!

They're going to eat anyway, aren't they?

Gobbling away, they love it!

Why wouldn't they gobble away?

(Mariachi music builds)

FADES OUT: Of course they will, that's why they're fat...

Come on, guys, who's with me?

Whoo!

No, Mexican, no, no!

No!

(Screaming and gasping)

(Congregation mutters wildly)

Man: What's happening?

Screams: Get out of my g*dd*mn pulpit!

Oh, Drew, thank God you're here, it's harder than it looks, this!

(He screams)

You want to throw down, do ya?

You want to ride this coaster?!

Oh, my God, what?!

We've all got a past, man!

We're all running from something.

Nobody's tasted this candy in a while, but open up!

It's time to party!

(Drew screams)

Drew...

No!

(Congregation screams)

(Congregation mutters wildly)

Woman: What the hell was that?!

Man 1: What's happening?

Man 2: Did you see that?

I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure THAT contravenes the 1974 Health and Safety Act.

Man 1: Where's the doctor?

Man 2: Somebody call a doctor.

Man 3: We need the police.

Yeah.

(He sighs)

Yes, I messed up again.

What d'you want me to say?

There were some happy by-products, right?

Jo got her shop because Drew's been...deported.

I know, I'm a fat loser, right?

Well, I need your advice, Dad.

I don't fit in anywhere.

I need to know where to go next.

So perhaps you could give me a SIGN!

(Text message jingle)

What?!

(Text message jingle)

Really?

(Text message jingle)

♪ And now I know ♪
♪ I've finally found the American dream ♪
♪ And now the love ♪
♪ I've finally found the American dream ♪
♪ I'm a ghost from your past ♪
♪ I come haunting to your door ♪
♪ I just can't make it without the love ♪
♪ You look like heaven above... ♪