02x06 - Servants' Disease

[bunniefuu]

Contagious.

We must contain this pandemic.

[coughing, retching]

Contagious.

Contagious.

Contagious.

Contagious.

Contagious.

Contagious.

[crying]

Contagious.

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

Everyone stay back! Stay back, damn you!

[door slams shut]

Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid we must quarantine the downstairs.

We're having a tiny outbreak situation.

The cook and staff have "beshitted" most of the kitchen.

Oh, those poor people!

You mean, "Oh, those poor people."

I'm telling you, Daddy, it's high time we got one of those modern, new flamethrowers and burnt that whole downstairs to a crisp.

Maybe then they can make a crème brûlée that doesn't taste like snot!

[dish shatters]

How can you think about dessert at a time like this?

I just finished my entree, what else am I supposed to think about?

Well, as a proud "Grey Lady" of the Red Cross Volunteers Corp, I'll be going downstairs to save those poor souls.

Well, the only thing I'm interested in saving is the family fortune and my rear virginity... for second marriage. [giggles]

That's my baby girl. [clears throat]

Peepers, whatever we do, lets do it quietly.

I'm afraid the Lookie-Loos already sniffing about.

The newspaper's here?

[upbeat string music]

Well, then, lets save these poor souls in their final hours!

The last thing those poor people need is you, Lillian!

No, I'm going to do that.

The last thing they need is you!

Your disease is more rampant than theirs is!

I am certified to deal with it!

I'm winning.

♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ "Another Period" ♪

[crickets chirping]

How are you sleeping?

[both scream]

k*ll him first!

Identify yourself, state your price and then write to my father and ask him for that price!

Frederick, it's me.

[gasps] Oh, hello, Beatrice.

I was just having the most delicious dream about a bear with human hands.

[scoffs] What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I wanted to tell you the good news.

Father set me up with a suitor and I think I like him.

You travelled 12 hours by train, broke into our house, into our room, and all that just to say you met someone?

No, that's ridiculous.

We travelled by carriage and it took two weeks.

Anyway, his name is d*ck and he's the president of the Pinta Yacht Club.

He's the president?

Mm-hmm.

Darn it, I'm only the vice president.

You're vice president of the United States.

You don't have to rub it in my face.

All right, enough, Beatrice, it's time for you to leave.

Freddie has got a country to run.

Ohh, okay. Bye, Beatrice.

Well, can't wait to meet your new friend.

Now, ta-ta.

You mean it, Celery?

A double date?

Uh, not... not really.

We can do it tonight!

I'm at the hotel across from the penis monument.

Oh, Beatrice, I made a similar mistake.

It's actually called the Washington Penis.

Oh, okay. Celery... you're the best sister in the world!

Okay. Oh, no. Oh... ohh.

I'll see you tonight.

Bye, Freddie.

Did she say you were officially sisters now?

[gloomy music]

[coughing]

♪ ♪

May God bless you and keep you, my child.

Heiress coming through. [laughs]

Oh, if it isn't Brussels Sheridan of the Lookie-Loos Society Pages.

If it isn't Lillian Bellacourt.

Would you like to get a few photographic stills of me?

I could grab one of these near dead in the better lighting. Oh, yes!

Excuse me, we're taking a picture!

[pounds on glass]

Lady of the house speaking.

Everyone come close, we're gonna do a little "photo-graph."

Oh. Oh!

On three.

All right, everyone, ready?

One, two, three!

[shutter clicks]

Un, deux... [snapping fingers] un, deux, trois, quatre.

[all singing]

♪ Wade in the water ♪
♪ Wade in the water ♪
♪ Wade in the water ♪
♪ God's gonna trouble the water ♪
♪ Now wade in that water ♪

He's doing it again!

He's doing it again!

What?

Hello. Hello.

What'd I do?

Stop manjacking like a bunch of Baltimore Slavics.

We are the Gentlemen Callers, please.

The Boston Barber-Fest is next week.

It's where the Dandy Dollops got their start!

That's why I suggest that I do the solo because I am the face of contemporary barber shop.

You are the face of a sad and pathetic man.

Oh, well, in that case, I'm the face of you.

[stammers]

[hip-hop music]

So how exactly did you two meet again?

Oh, it's such a funny story.

Do you want to tell it?

No, you tell it.

Okay, we'll both tell it.

Yes. [giggles]

The Commodore was doing a business deal with my father, Admiral Firestone...

Mm-hmm and he thought I would make a fruitful bargaining chip.

So, as luck would have it, he said that in exchange for my family's oil rights in Nova Scotia...

Commodore would give him his opal mines, $750,000 worth of gold bullion...

And his tallest daughter who just happens to be...

both: Beatrice!

[both laugh]

My father heard that and he said, "Sold!

both: "You can't put a price on opal these days."

♪ ♪

[groans]

I hate water.

Tastes like my mouth.

[sighs]

[clinks on window]

[splashes]

Next!

[screams]

Get out of here, Lillian!

You're burning the servants.

No, I'm the one who's gonna slop these hogs.

There's a typhoid epidemic going on here, Lillian, so I suggest you move over.

No!

I'm more compassionate than you, you sloth..

[laughs] The sloth is the gentlest of the South American Pilosa genus of placental mammals.

So I'll take it as a compliment.

Take it however you wish, just move!

Oh, you like to push?

How about a push from a certified Grey Lady?

[screams] [both grunting]

Contagious! Contagious!

Everyone, hold your breath!

[whimpers]

Infected patient...

No!

Please step behind the partition.

No, no, if I'm going to be infected, it would be from a rich person's disease.

Like gold poisoning or a governor's rash, not... not typhoid.

Contagious. Contagious.

[whimpers]

So, what I'm dying to know is how did you two meet?

Fredrick, would you like to tell the story?

No, it's boring and I don't remember it.

Oh, soup! [chuckles]

Aah! Hot! Hot! Mouth!

[groaning]

Ooh, soup fools me every time. [sighs]

You know I feel a bit of a headache coming on.

Perhaps I'll go walk the gardens.

Get some fresh air.

Okay, bye.

[clears throat]

Oh! Can I have your dessert if it gets here before you come back?

[sighs]

Excuse me.

Should someone go and check and see if she's unwell?

Oh, I would, but I don't want to miss my soup at its ideal temperature.

I'll just go check and see how she's doing.

Okay, bye.

Aah! Still hot!

Still so hot! Come here.

[panting]

[blowing]

Better?

Uhhuh.

[hip-hop music]

Okay, no one is supposed to come close to this line.

Do you understand?

Everyone away.

Give Miss Lillian some space for God's sakes!

No one's even coming near her.

This must be some kind of mistake.

I-I can't catch the same disease as servants.

I mean, we're practically not even the same species.

You don't catch a fever from a horse.

You don't acquire an immune deficiency virus from a monkey. Over the line!

[crying] Everyone just leave her be!

[wincing]

Poor, Lillian! Poor, Lillian!

[gentle music]

Mind if I join your constitutional?

Oh, I would be delighted.

[inhales deeply]

I have to say, it's nice to spend a moment with an adult.

[chuckles] Trouble in paradise?

Oh, it's Fredrick. He can just be so childish.

He doesn't know how soup works, he's convinced he's got a twin brother who lives in the mirror, he's afraid of clouds.

Sometimes I wish I had met a proper gentleman, like yourself.

Oh...

I'm afraid I'm no gentleman.

I have a confession to make, Celery.

The only reason I came out here was to... bend you over in the woods.

Oh, d*ck.

Garfield, who are all these people?

Well, that's Connie, the chef, and that's Quincy, the coal shoveler, and that's Pearl, she was your wet nurse and your primary companion for the first 19 years of your life.

Huh.

And... and what about that little woman. What does she do?

She kills and plucks the egrets for the feather collars of your stoles.

You mean, without her my collar would just be... a plain collar?

Yes, ma'am.

What about my bowel movements that magically disappear by morning?

Well, I'm proud to say, I remove those myself.

But there's always a little note saying they've taken a "stroll to Brown Town" with a caricature in a top hat.

♪ ♪

Oh.

All these years I knew you were "serve-ants," but it never occurred to me that you were "serve-people."

♪ Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn ♪

♪ Damn, son ♪

both: Mmm.

Double dates are so much more fun when its just two people.

Mm-hmm. And how delightful that we can be in such a romantic setting and not even think about getting back together?

[chuckles] That's so true.

Mm-hmm.

We are just friends now.

Mm-hmm.

[giggles] See? It just feels so normal.

Yes, it's like playing a game of chess or being pen pals.

Oh, call me Mr. Buttfingers, I've gotten chocolate all over your face.

Shall I lick it off?

Oh, well...

As a friend.

I think that would be fine, but only as a friend.

Of course.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm. That felt so normal.

Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

It was almost like kissing, though.

Oh, yes. [chuckles]

Okay, I have a silly question for you.

Yes?

Is there such a thing as friends who kiss?

Hmm. Sure there are.

They're called "pecking pals."

Oh.

Yes, they're all the rage in Boise.

Hmm.

Shall we try?

I think that would be fine.

Okay.

[laughs]

I felt nothing.

Delightful. [chuckles]

Should we try once more with tongue?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Okay.

[moaning] Oh, d*ck, you're such a man. Such an adult.

Oh, I'm a man, alright.

Guess how many shipping concerns I'm responsible for.

How many?

Two.

Oh, tell me more!

Do you have important responsibilities at your job?

Oh, extremely important.

I often have many people relying on me and never have time for myself.

[moans loudly] Don't stop!

Keep going!

Sometimes...

I work... through... lunch!

[screams]

[hip-hop music]

Ohh...

[overlapping coughing]

If I might be so bold, I hope your typhoid death is swift and painless.

Do you have a name?

Ethany.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

Better name you could've made some friends.

I'm sure you're right, Miss.

Don't matter much now, though... seeing as we're gonna die soon anyway.

No! No, it can't be like this!

Garfield, everyone, I want to get to know each and every one of you.

And just so you know, a rich person knowing you is as good as going to heaven.

[gentle music]

Well, the worst thing I've ever done is suck the bone marrow out of the old bones reserved for the dogs.

Not Mayor Cutie's bones!

She needs that marrow to prevent hip dysplasia!

Oh, well, I forgive you, but don't let Mayor Cutie know, she might not be as easy to forgive.

I was responsible for the great fire of 1892.

That's how I lost my parents.

Hush, child, you've had your turn.

Blanche?

Huh?

I-I-I don't... I-I've never done anything.

Such as I've never thrown anyone down a flight of stairs... for example.

[laughing]

Blanche, you're so boring. I once stole a towel.

Well, my real sin is the time... enamored with one of my coworkers...

[farts]

Oh!

Off to make brown water.

[stomach gurgling]

Ohh!

Lillian, your turn.

[chuckles] My greatest sin...

[gentle music]

Is not realizing that some of the greatest people I've ever known were living right underneath me.

[all gasp, aww]

Oh, that and once I aborted a child to fit into a dress.

Aww.

[panting, whimpering]

I'm hungry.

Let's not just lay here and die.

Let's prepare a last supper and eat together as friends.

Yes, you heard her. Let's do it!

Ethany, prepare the gruel.

Flobelle, wash some spoons.

Lillian...

Oh, Garfield.

Some lines must never be crossed.

Today I became your sister, but I'll always be... your master.

Of course.

Of course! Of course!

[gentle music]

[exhales sharply] Mm.

[chuckles]

That is fun and it's great and I like it.

[both laugh]

Me, too.

[sighs] But it isn't strange, is it?

Hmm?

I mean, we had chocolate all over ourselves, we had to get it off.

Yes, it would've been strange to have left the chocolate on.

Chocolate isn't clothes.

Also, we bathed together all the time when we were babies.

Exactly.

And we're the same people we were back then.

Mm-hmm.

We're bathing as friends.

Bubble buddies.

[giggles]

[deeply sighs]

What's wrong, buddy?

Oh, bathing always makes me so tense.

Oh, no, now I feel tense, too.

Hmm.

What are we going to do?

Maybe a warm glass of milk could do the trick.

Oh, they're all dried up.

You've been gone a long time.

Hmm.

Well, the only other option that I can think of to relax me is sex, but...

Hmm...

Well, sex does always make me feel more breezy.

It does, doesn't it?

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

But...

Can you fornicate as friends?

Certainly.

Yeah, but as long as it's just as friends.

Yes, just as friends.

Coitus colleagues.

I think I've heard of that.

I think I've heard of that, too.

Yeah.

Okay.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Usually I eat every 35 minutes.

This has been really hard.

For you, Miss. I would be honored if this were to be my last Earthly chore.

Thank you, girl.

So this is gruel.

Never had gruel before, but...

Tastes amazing.

Overwhelming amount of menthol...

Mm.

It's like cigarette milk!

[laughter]

♪ Hello ♪
♪ Bonjour ♪
♪ Wie geht's ♪

Oh, sh*t.

[all singing]

♪ Around the world with hello ♪

Good morrow servants and servant ladies, we are the Gentlemen Callers and we are here to entertain and delight you as you push off across the River Styx.

Oh, Lillian.

You're here?

Hard cheese indeed.

Awkward. Awkward moments.

Well, so, the short version, every barber shop organization has a front man.

And despite the harmony in our voices, there's actually discord as to who among us should be that front man.

So we shall audition for you and you shall cast your vote.

You the work-a-day, lack-witted, unwashed and currently dying.

[clears throat]

To give you an idea of my background...

First of all, no one knows...

I would like to...

No, they...

Probably, because...

No, no, no.

I feel like it's only fair that the baritone go first.

[overlapping arguing]

Excuse me?

What is it, child?

Maybe I could sing, sirs?

[gentle music]

♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪

[men laughing]

Oh, sorry, I know you're all having a moment.

Here's my thing. For me, I wanted to hear the music, but all I heard was you trying so hard.

Ugh.

These are actually...

I ha... I actually have tears of hatred.

Bad. Bad news all around.

With all due respect, I think that's perhaps why we are talented musicians and you are dying of typhoid.

[coughing]

Read the room next time.

Just read the room. 'Cause you k*lled this room.

This side of the room is dying.

Oh, no! Someone... Someone get a doctor!

Jaunt away. Jaunt away!

Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt!

We're all gonna die!

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

Tell me your five-year plan!

It... involves... diversification.

Don't look away.

I won't.

Don't look away.

I never look away.

Yes!

You eat dirt.

You eat dirt. That's a dirty girl.

[both softly moaning]

[both grunting, moaning]

[both softly moaning]

Aah!

[screams] Oh. Oh, my God.

[sighs]

Whoo, that's good.

That was good.

[crying]

[dishes clanging]

Get water. She needs water.

[grunting]

Attention, I bring the doctor with news.

Right, how is everyone feeling?

[groans]

Don't know why I ask.

I could've asked my nose. [laughing]

[scattered laughter]

So, good news, you just have food poisoning.

It's pretty uncomfortable, but not fatal at all.

[all exclaim]

So you're all going to live.

I've already taken the liberty of burning your possessions as a precaution and I'm docking you each a month's worth of pay for laying about on the job.

Back to work!

[gentle music]

And, Miss, in spite of my terrible name, I did make a friend and her name... is Lillian.

[soft string music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

Oh, dear, how I've missed you.

What have you two been up to since we were gone?

Oh, just friend stuff.

Yes.

Us, too.

Oh!

How wonderful.

[chuckles]

Thank God we can all be friends.

Mm-hmm.

I never realized how easy being friends is.

Now I can have Fredrick and d*ck.

[hip-hop music]

♪ Bitch ♪

[bell dings]

Ethany!

[bell dings]

Ethany!

Yes, ma'am?

Ethany, remember that meal we shared?

Well, I've developed a bit of a taste for that fever gruel.

Would you go fetch me a bowl?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and, girl, make it two bowls.

One for me and one for yourself.

Yes, ma'am!

Oh, girl.

Yes, ma'am?

Actually, I'll take both bowls.

I'm really hungry.

[deflated]

Yes, ma'am.