05x18 - She Said, Ben Said

[bunniefuu]

See? I told you there was plenty of storage in the kitchen.

What about all that stuff?

You can't expect me to solve every problem this apartment faces.

Hey. Hey, have you guys seen the match to this earring?

It's really sharp, and I don't want Emma to find it.

I already checked the liquor store, the nail salon, and the bar, so, this is the only other place I go.

Yeah, I'll check my room once Emma's up from her nap.

Hey, can you watch her tonight?

I have my first official date with Sam, and I want to remove all evidence that what we're going to do can lead to one of her.

Remember what I always say.

Both: For the love of God, don't be an idiot, wear a condom.

You're such good boys.

Mom, you don't have to worry, okay?

I bought a super-size box at the superstore.

There is so much safety in my room right now, nothing bad could possibly happen.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Boop, boop, boop.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

So, how's my favorite bartender?

We still on for tonight?

We could be on right now, but I'm afraid it might scare away some of the customers.

Do you have anything in particular you'd like to do?

Hmm, I'll leave it up to you, but I was hoping we could make it... special.

Well, then you're in luck 'cause special is my specialty.

You know, I may have had my reservations, but I think they're pretty good together.

Really? 'Cause you tried to break them up like a hundred times.

Yeah. Well, I possibly might have been wrong about her.

Hey, maybe we should share the secret to our perfect relationship with them.

You mean the one where we were fighting for two months and we just got back together?

Yeah, that one.

All right. So, maybe we could...

No.

Well, can I suggest...

Not getting involved.

Can you at least tell Ben...

No. We are minding our own business.

How about...

You know what? You can't keep doing that every time you want to win an argument.

Even though it works.

Ooh. I really need to get back.

Oh, yeah.

Lunch was fun, but, hopefully, we can order dessert next time, if you catch my drift.

Oh. Oh...

Everyone caught it, Little Miss Not-So-Subtle.

Just try not to catch anything else.

Am I right, huh?

Good one. Come on.

Mrs. Wheeler, Mrs. Wheeler, this is Renee.

Renee, this is the spawn of Satan.

I'll see you tonight, all right?

Mm.

Aw.

(Sighs)

She's cute.

What am I missing?

Renee is my dad's New York assistant, okay?

I go by the office once a month to pick up my check, and I picked her up along the way.

Okay, so she's dating for money. Now I got it, okay.

No. But she does keep pressuring me to tell my dad that we're dating, which I definitely do not want to do, because I know he would not approve of me seeing someone in his office.

I mean, mostly because he keeps saying stuff like, "Stop hitting on the women in my office," or, "Get off my secretary."

Dads.

I know, right?

Ooh, that reminds me. Your dad called me to tell me that he's coming into town and he wants to take me out to dinner.

Clearly, not over the Bon-Bon.

Do you think that you can put in a good word about me and Renee?

I mean, maybe if he hears how happy we are from someone who isn't me, he won't mind.

Oh, and, Mrs. Wheeler, I... uh... I know shouldn't have to say this, but please don't sleep with my Dad. Again.

Okay.

But only because I'm married.

Not because you asked me.

(toys squeaking)

Wow, you're cleaning. You really do like Sam.

More like shoving and hiding. But, yeah, I really do.

So, you taking her to someplace fun?

Oh, you know it. She's made it pretty clear there's only one stop on this date train... my bedroom.

So, I'm assuming we'll start out at a nice restaurant.

Someplace romantic.

I'm sorry. We are talking about Ben Wheeler, right?

We are.

I think you underestimate him.

He asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted it to be special.

She really said she wanted to make it special?

Ho! You are so in!

I know, right? What else could that possibly mean?

I was so afraid she was going to make me jump through a ton of hoops.

To be honest, after all that's happened between us, I wouldn't mind if he jumped through a couple of hoops.

Totally. I mean, they never respect you if they don't.

Well, sounds like it's going to be an amazing date.

It's going to be an amazing date.

Oh, Marshall. I just want you to know that if I hadn't hooked up with a man half your age with twice your stamina, I would be all over that!

Mm! (growls)

Obviously, I'm flattered.

But your relationship with Brad is actually the reason I wanted to talk to you.

You see, I've met my very own Brad.

Oh, for the love of men instead of women, you're gay too?

No. I'm in love with a younger woman.

Oh, she works in my New York office, but we speak every day.

Mostly about paperwork.

Though I've come to suspect she feels as strongly about me as she does the paperwork.

Ooh! Slow down, cowboy.

So, why don't you just ask her out?

Oh, Bonnie, she's a lot younger.

Aren't you worried about what people say?

Brad is literally the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and that includes at least one of my kids.

Marshall, life is short. Lock that down before he realizes how hot he is and that he can get someone his own age.

Before she.

Before she realizes it.

You know, you make an excellent argument.

I will, as they say, go for it with Renee.

Wait. Renee?

From work?

The girl that you like is... is Renee?

From your office?

Thank you for summing that up so succinctly. Yes.

Wow. Marshall, I am so happy for you.

I am just gonna go... (mumbles)

(panting) Tucker!

Oh, my...

(Renee shrieks)

Mrs. Wheeler, what are you doing?

Hey, Tucker, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh. FYI, Renee. There's a fire escape right out that window.

(door closes)

(mutters)

What is wrong with you, woman?

I thought you might like to know that your father has a new lady in his life.

My dad has a girlfriend?

Sort of.

She works in his New York office.

Guess what her name is?

Renee?

Bingo!

Oh, thank God, it's not Renee.

Oh, hey, Ben.

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be on a date with Sam?

Honestly, it ended before it started.

(coughs)

Ben: I got all dressed up.

I was wearing that new Henley, you know, 'cause it makes me look like I have pecs.

(knocking)

Hi, Sam.

Ben: And being a gentleman, I gave her a huge compliment.

You look hot!

Thanks.

I'm so excited for our special night.

Me too. I wouldn't let milady starve, so, I prepared a fine selection of hors d'oeuvres.

Champagne?

Hmm. And a condom!

Ah! Emma found my stash and she's been hiding them all over the house. Okay.

(chuckles)

(door opens, slams shut)

And she was gone.

Sam. Hey, I got your 9-1-1. What's wrong?

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be on your date with Ben right now?

Yeah. It pretty much ended before it started.

Hey, Sam. You look hot.

Sam: So Ben looks like he hasn't showered in three days and smells like dead yak.

You ready for our special night?

I'm ready. Why aren't you dressed yet?

You mean, why aren't I undressed yet?

I thought we were going out?

Why go out when everything we need is right here?

I'm actually a little hungry.

Oh, don't worry.

There's some chips next to this bowl of condoms.

And that's when I got the hell out of there.

The worst part is, I don't think he even knows what he did wrong.

I honestly have no idea what I did wrong.

Oh, hey.

Did you hear about Ben and Sam?

Yeah. It's so sad. He really likes her.

None of this would've happened if we had just given them some advice.

But we agreed, we're not getting involved, right?

Right.

Ben can figure it out on his own, can't he?

Oh, totally.

And I mean, Sam's going to figure it out too.

Isn't she?

Of course.

Um, you know, hey, I forgot to tell Ben something.

I'll just be a second.

Yeah, no worries.

Take your time, honey.

Sam, hey.

Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to meet tomorrow morning.

I'd love to "Ben" your ear about something.

Oh, uh... about Ben.

I thought that was kind of clear with the whole "Ben your ear" thing.

Okay, so I've been thinking about the whole Ben thing.

And I think I know where you went wrong.

Where I went wrong?

Well, remember when you crawled into his bed a couple of months ago, naked?

I think you may have sent him the wrong message.

You know, that you're kind of slutty, so I think you need to rerecord that message.

And what's the new message?

That you're hard to get.

Keep your pants on, Sam.

Keep your pants on.

So, I've been thinking about what you said last night, and you're right.

I came on way too strong.

Girls want what they can't have.

Exactly.

Last time Sam thought you liked somebody else, she ended crawling into your bed naked.

So, if you think if I ignore Sam, she'll want me more?

She couldn't want you any less.

(chuckles) Um...

So... So, there's kind of... there's kind of something I need to tell you.

I met someone.

Oh, that's wonderful, son.

What's his name?

Dad, for the hundredth time, I'm not gay.

Oh. Well, then... remind me to call your mother.

(Mouths)

But... I have met a wonderful girl, too.

There's no easy way to say it.

She's quite a bit younger than me, but I guess that's what making my heart go pitter-pat.

I tell you, son. I was a lonely lump of a man before I met Renee.

Yeah, about Renee. You know, it's...

I was worried about the age difference, too.

But Bonnie helped me realize, I was wasting my life by not pursuing it.

Oh, that-that Mrs. Wheeler!

Oh, she... she... she's so helpful.

She's so damn helpful.

If everything goes right, you could have your very first stepmother.

What?

Wait a minute.

You're going to ask Renee to marry you?

Don't you think you should maybe ask her to dinner first?

You know what?

That is excellent advice.

I will ask Renee to marry me at dinner.

Mrs. Wheeler?

Have you ever heard of knocking?

It's my room.

Okay. That's a good point.

So, how did it go with your dad?

Terrible.

Yeah, I thought it was just a little crush, but now... but now, he's going to look like a creepy old man when he proposes to a girl who's young enough to be dating me... and is!

This is going to destroy him.

Do you want me to write this up in your journal?

You seemed pretty anxious about this conversation yesterday.

Okay. You know what?

Oh.

No.

And even if I wasn't dating Renee, the idea of my dad dating a girl of my age is so wrong.

It'd be like us together.

You wouldn't be the first of Ben's friends, I can assure you.

Don't tell Ben.

But you know what? That's it.

If my dad could see how ridiculous he'd look with someone my age, he'd come to his senses and end this silliness with Renee on his own.

Mrs. Wheeler, you've got to help me.

Of course I will, Tucker.

You know I think of you like a son.

Really? Since when?

Since I boinked your dad.

(laughing loudly) My God!

CeeCee, you are so funny.

We have really have got to have a drink one of these days.

Please don't touch me.

Ow. Sam better get a move on 'cause it looks like Ben is moving on.

Look, I know you're gay, but stare at these for a moment or two and beer's on me.

(laughs loudly)

Oh, my God! You're hilarious!

Yep. Well, Ben better move fast, 'cause it looks like Sam's moving even faster.

Dude, your advice isn't working.

Sam's not in to me. She won't even look at me.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think Ben and Sam... or as I was going to call us, "Bam!"... are over and out.

Oh, I barely helped.

No, man. It was all you.

It was great advice, bro, but it just didn't work.

I cannot believe you. We promised each other that we wouldn't get involved, and here you are getting involved.

I mean, does... does your word mean nothing to you?

Riley, I don't think you were right.

Ben's not into me.

He's literally into everything but me.

I give up.

Oh, it was worth a try.

I'm sorry. It's just that Sam wants to feel special before she has sex, so I may have told her to play hard to get.

I told Ben the same thing.

He's just trying to be with the girl he's been in love with for over a decade.

It's no wonder he's having trouble focusing.

Can we just agree that they need to be as happy as we are and help them?

Yes.

All right.

You know what to tell Ben, right?

Totally.

Oh, hey, Ben. Quick tweak to the plan.

You need to show Sam that she's special and it's not just about sex.

Hey, Sam. New plan.

Uh, you need to sleep with Ben immediately.

So now you want me to sleep with him?

Look, I feel terrible, but I may have given you some bad advice before.

Ben is crazy about you, but he won't be able to focus and act like a normal human being until he gets past the whole sex thing.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, you already crawled into his bed once, what's one more time?

Once you get past this, Ben will be able to relax and be the sweet, loving guy you want him to be.

I think.

No, you know, actually, I'm sure.

Kind of.

Pretty sure.

Don't you get it? She's just waiting for you to make it special.

If there's one thing I learned about relationships, it's that women like to test men.

Well, that and brunch. They really, really like brunch.

Sam is just testing you to make sure that you're really interested in her.

I've liked her since I was 14.

You've wanted to have sex with her since you were 14.

Isn't that the same thing?

Be strong, man. You'll get there.

But until then, do not under any circumstance have sex with her.

Even if it's the apocalypse and we're the last two people left on Earth and we need to repopulate the species?

That might be an exception.

Hey, you seen any good movies, lately?

No. Um-mm.

But I did watch a bunch of cat videos this morning.

Marshall: Absolutely not settling, Bob.

I'm not the kind of guy who settles, Bob.

Everybody in the office knows that.

Settling is for settlers and I don't think that's what we want, is it?

What are we, Bob? Pioneers?

I don't see any covered wagons.

Mrs. Wheeler!

I thought I heard him.

Hey, Ben.

Sam. Hey.

Uh, I was actually just about to leave.

Oh. What's the rush?

The bar's officially closed.

Looks like it's just you and me.

Alone.

N-n-n-n-n-no need to lock that then.

Check out this scratch I got from the corner of the bar tonight.

I don't suppose you have anything you could put on it?

You know what you need?

Aspirin. It reduces inflammation.

I should probably take some too.

Geez, your dad is long-winded.

My calf is starting to cramp.

Tucker, would you mind if I borrowed...

Sweet rhubarb pie!

(gasps) Oh, Marshall!

Dad!

Dad, this is her.

This is the woman I've been telling you about, my... my true love.

I am in love with Bonnie Wheeler.

And damn it, Dad, there's nothing you can do about it.

No matter how silly, or ridiculous, or mortifying we look together.

We're getting married.

Yeah. Well, after my divorce.

Tucker, this is appalling, you carrying on with a married woman and such.

No reaction to the hideous age difference?

Ow.

But I can't stop love.

And if that's what this is, who am I to judge?

Now? Now you choose to stop judging my life choices?

Knock, knock! Mr. Dobbs...

Renee, what are you doing here?

I asked her to bring by some papers for me to sign.

But congratulations are in order.

Tucker just announced his engagement.

Excuse me? To who? To her?

Hey, Missy, you better watch your tone.

No. No, no, no. Not to her, not to anyone. This is not real.

But that hickey is gonna be.

I thought that we had something special.

No! We do! We do! But my dad wants something special with you too.

Mr. Dobbs, you want to go out with me?

He's actually in love with you.

In love with her? Oh, God no.

She's young enough to be my daughter.

But you said you were in love with Renee.

Yeah. Renee Dorsett from HR.

She's 42.

Wait. How is that anything like me and Brad?

Well, aren't we both the same age?

Oh, not even close!

Let me help you.

You have to squeeze when you pull.

I got it, yeah. Just give me a second.

I'm just gonna...

Oh!

Oh, one got in my shirt. Wanna get it?

No. No, no, no. There's plenty right here on the floor.

Besides, I probably shouldn't stand up right now.

Well, here's some water.

Oops. Oh, I'm so clumsy.

I've spilled all over myself.

I better take this off. I don't want to catch a cold.

Oh! I'll get you a towel.

What the hell is your problem, Ben?

Are you not interested in any of this?

Whatever it is, just tell me.

Of course, I'm interested.

I just think there are more important things for us to do first, like getting to know each other.

We've known each other for ten years!

Babe. Hey.

Why am I meeting you here?

Aren't Ben and Sam in the office having sex right now?

No. Why would they do that?

Um, because I told Sam to have sex with Ben in the office right now.

I even gave her my old "cut on the thigh" trick.

Oh, no. I told Ben to be super hands-off.

Wait. That was a trick?

Sam: No, forget it. Just stay away from me.

I'm sorry! Danny told me you were testing me.

I was trying to be super respectful.

And I figured if anybody knows how to get you into bed, it would be Danny.

Seriously? Riley told me to have sex with you and just get it over with.

I figured if anyone would know how to get you into bed, it's Riley.

Wow, that is just...

I wish we had both listened to Riley.

I want to have sex with you, Ben.

I just... need it to be special.

Okay.

Can you write down exactly what you mean by "special"?

How about I show you?

Oh, hey, guys!

We had no idea that you were here.

Yeah, but it looks like you have everything under control, so we're just going to slip out of here.

Don't worry. You don't have to thank us.

Not quite how I expected you to tell your dad about us, but good enough.

So, uh, where were we?

About to make good use of a few stolen condoms.

So basically, if it wasn't for us, they never would have gotten together.

(sighs)

We're amazing.

Hey, did you remember to pick up condoms?

Oh, no need.

Ben had some to spare.

Finally, you... me... together.

Maybe we'll get our happily ever after, after all.