02x05 - Patches

[bunniefuu]

Kayla: Julie, Billy.

We love a list here at Buzzlist, so I hope you guys have plenty for your two-week trial here as guest bloggers.

Oh, don't worry, we're bursting with lists.

"7 Ways to Cook Bacon in the '90s."

"21 Ways to Tell That You're Introvert Who Won't Shut Up About Being an Introvert on Social Media."

"5 Ways to k*ll Yourself After Posting Your 'I'm an Introvert' Quiz Results."

You guys will fit in great here.

No one's ever said that to us. Ever.

Ever. I get a full-time job here, I can finally quit the cafe.

And I can finally quit that shitty day job I keep pretending I'm gonna get.

Two weeks of list-making and quizzes and then we get a full-time job?

My immigrant grandparents would be appalled.

Perfect.

Now, so you guys might be asked to write sponsored posts, which we pepper into our regular lists for, you know, sneaky advertising.

Oh, that sounds ethical.

[exhales] If people really care so much about violating their privacy, why are they on Facebook?

[all laugh] JULIE: Idiots.

So right now they are working on a sponsored post for Showtime, which is called "6 Things to Look Forward to on Showtime This Year."

They found six things?

Yeah, apparently Ray Donovan is getting a new hat, and they've begun a casting search for a companion series to "The Affair."

Ooh, a casting search.

I'm gonna make a list of eight shows I'm never gonna watch, and all eight are "The Affair."

I love how that show is so well written, and yet it manages to be so boring.

Cable providers should change their name to "Let's Waste Mare Winningham."

Hey, you're allowed to bring a bunny to work?

Kayla: Oh, yeah, all service animals are welcome here.

That's amazing news, 'cause I have two.

Three if you count Tootsie Rolls.

Here's your new office.

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

Pen cap, you know that money conversation we had?

Oh, f*ck, you got the AmEx bill.

I can explain.

No, it's not the AmEx bill.

Oh, great, never mind.

Money talk over. Beep Boop. Transmission ended.

Now will you make dinner?

Actually, I think I've come up with a solution that could save us a substantial amount in taxes.

There you go. I knew you could do it.

Oh, how about waffles for dinner?

I was thinking, we could register...

Oh, no.

As...

Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup...

Domestic partners.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Why not?

No.

Because, Arthur, it's square and it sounds complicated and paperwork and official and... don't rock the boat.

You're trying to tame a wild horse.

I gotta see the world, man.

The world? You don't even get off the couch to have dinner.

You know what intrigues me?

The last word of your sentence just now.

Dinner.

We have some serious financial concerns.

Well, Billy and I are about to be permanently hired, and Showtime is casting for a new series that I just heard about today, So stop acting all cranky like Martin Sheen being forced to play a gay guy on that show.

This isn't a joke, Julie.

[sighs]

Do you hear me?

Julie: Yes.

It's not a joke.

I know.

And you know what?

What?

Neither is "Grace and Frankie."

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You could learn something from that show. It has a lot of heart.

Cook your own dinner!

How?

♪ Who's gonna be two service dogs? ♪
♪ You're gonna be two service dogs ♪

♪ ♪

[dance music]

Sorry, not tonight, man.

Not tonight what?

We have enough bears inside.

Bears? I am way too fit to be a bear.

Well, you're too old to be a cub.

Well, then I'm Kissyfur.

I'm the teen bear, so...

Teen? Girl, please.

And you're not a wolf.

If you were a wolf, we'd let you in.

Definitely.

We're also always looking for otters and jackals.

Oh, jackals are a thing now?

Yeah, they're blond wolves with a tan and a good laugh.

Well, then what am I?

I mean, sort of nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

Maybe try the piano bar down the street.

The piano bar? f*ck you.

[somber music]

Excuse me.

Cubs, wolves, otters, excuse me.

Old McDonald had a f*cking farm out here!

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

What's going on here?

Sorry, nobody's getting in tonight.

[music fades out]

Are... are you kidding me?

The whole building is quarantined.

Ebola scare.

Ebola?

Excuse me? Ebola?

Well, wh... what is this, 2014?

[chuckles] That's a good one.

Now get outta here.

Ebola?

Yeah.

[music resumes]

♪ ♪

There's Ebola in my apartment.

So then I got to spend a magical night at my brother's house. I swear they keep it at, like, 153 degrees in there.

And I'm so sorry I didn't hear the phone ring last night when you called.

[sighs] That new sleep apnea mask really makes a racket, but it's worth it to finally feel like a cyborg elephant at night.

Would you say I'm a bear?

You?

No, I always thought of you more as a wolf, but, like, in a Wolfman Jack kind of way.

I don't fit into a single animal type on the entire Noah's Ark of gay hipsters.

Okay, Buzzlisters.

Tourism Connecticut has commissioned a list of "The 9 Most Disgusting Things in New York City."

Go.

Uh, hot dog water.

Uh, Mario Batali's scooter seat.

[cell phone buzzes]

Yeah, that's good.

Holy sh*t, Billy, I got the Showtime audition.

Amazing.

Yeah, apparently some slots opened up last minute this afternoon because in L. A., people read the sides, fell asleep at the wheel, and d*ed.

"The 10 Best Beer and Candle Combinations."

Write that down.

They just said, "Remember, this is premium cable. Adjust your performance accordingly."

What does that mean?

Maybe... not American?

Oh, right, of course, 'cause all those actors are English or Australian trying to sound American, like, with those hard Rs.

So maybe you try to sound Australian trying to sound American.

Yes, brilliant.

I guess I'll bring the dogs with me.

They've already been banned from the service animal area for eating that poor girl's rabbit.

[breathing heavily]

Julie: If it's any consolation, just know that basset hounds were bred to hunt rabbits, which, I'm not gonna lie, I find a little charming.

[laughs]

[rock music]

And this is Julie Kessler and friends.

Oh, service dogs. Ah, sometimes I wish I was a dog so I could just eat out of a bowl on the floor.

So the show is called "Tryst."

It's a companion piece to "The Affair."

Fun coinky-dink, turns out my third husband was having an affair with my second husband.

Now the two are getting married and I'm living with my parents again in Staten Island. [chuckles]

I have news. I'm cancer free.

[laughs] I'm still gonna go to chemo every so often just to keep up portion control.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay.

[slurping] Mm, mm-mm-mm.

[camera beeps]

[overemphasized accent] Well, hello there, stranger.

Although I'm hardly a stranger since I live here.

Oh, my God, you're Alison's sister.

I am more than Alison's sister.

I'm also her care taker, and her avenger.

I had no idea.

Julie: No idea about what, I wonder?

That she has a sister named Heather who loves her with all her heart?

Okay, thank you very much.

[camera beeps]

You should feel very proud of yourself.

Mm-hmm.

I do.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, good-bye now. [laughs]

Was she retar...

Oh, we don't use that word anymore.

[grunts]

But, yes, I think so.

Aw, she tried so hard to sound out all the words.

God's simple angel.

Ugh, I thought she had a full face, but I didn't know if it was like Corky full.

The part wasn't even written for someone mentally disabled.

I know, and she has her little disability doggies.

I could cry.

If Ed's leaving me for Shane hadn't left me so numb.

My feet are numb.

Ugh, we should see if they can't write her in a little part.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a disabled person on an episode?

And wouldn't it be nice if you didn't keep marrying your gay father over and over again, waiting for him to leave you? Ha!

[inhales] Who's our next actress?

[car horn honks]

[groans]

Ugh.

No, stop bringing me things I don't want.

f*ck you. f*ck you.

Bad dogs. [groans]

[groans]

Arthur?

Arthur!

Julie: It's okay.

Nobody panic. Everything's fine.

Julie, what the f*ck is happening?

Wh...

Wh... what are you... what's on your face?

Oh.

I forgot I was wearing my sleep apnea mask.

What's he doing?

Oh, yeah, he does this.

Arthur sleep-cooks sometimes when he's angry.

Sleep-cooking?

Julie: Oh, my God, look.

The dogs are bringing you their toys.

Yeah, they keep bringing me little things I don't want over and over again.

It's like a f*cking Dim Sum restaurant in here.

How do I make it stop?

Oh, it doesn't stop, but the good news is, it means that they like you or they're protecting me. I'm not sure.

Either way, it's gonna happen all night.

[groans] God, what is he doing?

He must be really angry.

I told him today I didn't want to be domestic partners.

Oh, sh*t, hold on. [groans]

No, no, no. Nope, Arthur, come with me.

Preston Sturges is in the bedroom.

Oh.

He wants to talk to you about making another movie.

Is Barbara Stanwyck available?

Julie: I think she's under contract at the studio.

Barbara Stanwyck is dead!

[mellow rock music]

More coffee, Marilyn?

No, honey, but you look like you could use some.

[inhales] No offense, but with your puffy eyes and pale skin, you look a little like Julie.

Yeah, I got kicked out of my building for a few nights, ended up having to crash at Julie's.

Oh, that filthy den of drink and dogs?

I don't think so.

Why don't you come stay with me?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Oh, nonsense.

Oh, you could stay in Julie's old room.

I just use it to store all my old "maybe" shoes.

Holy sh*t! I got the part...

[screams]

In "Tryst."

Well, not the part, but a part. [laughs]

Finally, something.

The casting director said I was so special, they wrote a role just for me, but here's the thing, I'm actually kind of freaked out because doing that accent I did in the audition was harder than I thought.

I'm just worried that now that I have the part I'm gonna do my Australian accent when I'm not on camera and my Australian-pretend-to-be-American accent on camera and I'm just gonna f*ck up and give myself away.

Not even Cate Blanchett could keep track of that.

I'll stay in character the whole time.

Oh, yeah, perfect. Ow.

[groaning]

Oh, Billy.

Your neck. Is that from my couch?

You didn't sleep at all last night, did you? That is true, and that is why he's staying with me.

[mouthing]

Julie, I love you, but between the clinging and clanging of pots and pans and the incessant howling all night, it was like listening to Rachel Ray have an orgasm.

I need to get some sleep.

That's right and you will.

See you at home, roomie.

[lilting music]

Isn't this a treat?

Mm-hmm.

I hope Julie doesn't mind I'm wearing her pajamas.

I'm sure it'll be fine, but, wow, a sweat suit my daughter wore when she was 12 fits an adult male in his 20s.

You think I look like I'm in my 20s, really?

28 tops. We could be siblings.

How was the shower?

Oh, my God, it was amazing.

I forget what actual water pressure feels like.

Mm-hmm, because I had Julie's father take the water regulators off the shower heads. Kiss my ass, environment.

I need my me time. I totally agree.

Right?

I mean, I don't give a sh*t that there's a drought in California.

We live in New York. If Katy Perry wants a sip of water so badly, she should move.

[laughs] I love having you here.

[drum flourish]

sh*t.

[rehearsing accents] Hello, hello, hello... hello!

Hi, Julie, do you remember me?

[overemphasized accent] The casting director!

I'm so happy to be here.

Well, I'm just here to make sure that you get settled in.

Plus, ever since my sponsor committed su1c1de I'll take any reason to get out of the house.

[laughs weakly] Why does everybody die?

[forced laugh] Anyway, what can I get for you?

Well, I'd never say not to cake or an appetizer from my favorite eatery, Outback Steakhouse.

That is adorable.

[both laugh softly]

Everybody, this is our special guest, Julie.

Welcome, Julie.

Wow, for people who work at Showtime, you sure are a bunch of happy campers.

She has no filter.

Well, she can only speak from the heart, but watch the mood swings.

[rock music]

[door opens]

[cell phone chimes]

Marilyn...

Mine is an open-door home.

What are you doing in here alone?

And before you can lie, know that I can see everything in that mirror.

I had Julie's father install that mirror when she was journaling about me.

Taught myself how to read backwards.

She said some really nasty things.

Anyway, there are no secrets in this house.

It's not a secret.

Mm-hmm. You sound just like Julie when I used to catch her stress-eating candy she used to hide behind that headboard.

All right, you caught me.

I was on Tinder.

So, trolling online for some strange?

I guess you could say that.

Although the truth is I probably fit in in this house more than I fit in on here.

It's all about what group you fit into.

Just bears and otters and...

And jackals, oh, my.

You know about jackals?

Yeah.

They used to be called hyenas, and then there was some consensus about not wanting to muddy the association with Whoopi Goldberg's role in "The Lion King."

Oh, that makes sense.

I treat a lot of gay men in my practice.

That's all they can talk about.

Well, that and how Ryan Murphy even managed to ruin Matt Bomer's ass and Lady Gaga.

Well, with Lady Gaga, she didn't need much of a push.

[laughs] You know what?

I think all those men are jealous of you.

Oh, yeah, that's it. All these 20-somethings with eight-packs and perfect teeth, they are dying to be me, that's it, that's the problem.

Well, you know what the truth is?

You don't have to fit in with anyone, because you have me.

Come downstairs, and let's put on some VHS tapes of old "Jenny Jones Shows," and then we can laugh at her hair and dumb questions.

Come on.

We'll make s'mores and hot cocoa.

Fun!

Ah, I feel like a Gilmore Girl.

[grunts]

[overemphasized accent] Balloons!

Pretty balloons for sale!

Hello there. What's your name?

Patches.

Well, Patches, I'll take two balloons for two good friends Alison and Noah.

Balloons are good for friends.

And cut.

That's a wrap on Julie!

[all applauding]

I'll take those.

Great work, Julie. Here's a present.

"Patches"?

And this.

Oh.

[all applauding]

♪ ♪

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Julie, my name is Abby and I work for Showtime.

Nobody's perfect.

You are a p*stol.

Listen, I never come to set to meet actresses ever since Claire Danes threw chili at me in Islamabad.

But I had to meet you.

I'm flattered.

Oh, God, look at that. So shiny.

Yeah, it's not chocolate, though... I checked.

Julie, you were wonderful on our show.

To celebrate, we would all like to take you to a special dinner.

I love dinner.

The wonderful wisdom.

Hey, how about we take you to your favorite restaurant?

Sure.

And... a reporter might be at dinner.

We haven't had anyone like you on our show and we want to let the world know about our Julie!

I only had four lines.

And you said them all correctly, and in more or less the right order, so you deserve that medal.

Yeah!

[upbeat rock music]

I'll be right back with your drink.

An actual smile from the demon seed.

What's the occasion?

Did you find a prost*tute willing to take your virginity for a couple of Metro cards?

You know, Matthew, normally I'd say that when I look at you, I think Santorum was right when he compared gay marriage to bestiality.

But today, I am in too good of a mood.

You do seem happier than usual.

Granted, that bar is set about as low as the burning temperature of jet fuel.

So how can it melt steel beams?

Exactly. It can't.

Well, I finally found a place where I belong.

Everywhere, you entitled white cisgendered male piece of sh*t?

No, Julie's mom's house on the Upper West Side.

Upper West Side. Ugh.

That's like the most boring, milquetoast neighborhood in Manhattan.

It's the Drake of zip codes.

I don't care, because f*ck the bears, and f*ck the otters, and f*ck the wolves and f*ck Winnie the m*therf*cking Pooh!

What do animals have to do with this?

Oh, it's just how gay men group each other into types.

Believe me, it was pretty confusing to me too when I first stopped tapping my wife's p*ssy.

But you know, I caught on.

So, what's a bear?

A bear's like a big, fat, hairy gay guy and then an otter's like a thin, hairy gay guy.

Yeah, and a wolf is like a tall, muscular bear who just has to f*ck all the time, like me.

Okay, so what would I be?

All: Black.

What?

Are you serious?

Everyone else gets a fun animal. That seems r*cist.

Only 'cause it is.

Well, gay or straight, you know, everybody sucks.

That's what she said. [laughs]

No, she didn't say that.

Where is my Billy?

Hi!

Did I make Julie's bed wrong?

Yes.

But I came because I bought you some new clothes.

Who knows when you're gonna get back into your building?

Marilyn! That is so sweet of you.

It's been a long time since I had a mom shop for me.

Won't it be nice for you to wear some shirts and pants that are more flattering to your problem areas?

Problem areas?

Exactly.

Let's run to the little boys' room, and see what happens when you start dressing for your age and body type.

Hey! You brought my kitty suit!

Yeah. I found a wrapper in one of the pockets.

Quite a blast from the past to see the old logo for Chocodiles.

[gasps] Hello again, old friend.

Hi, top two new bloggers.

[laughs] Ah, that list thing never gets old.

Why don't you settle into your workstation?

Are you ready?

I-I've never been...

I'll never be ready.

Are you good? All right.

You got... And we're on.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

I have a list that might be of some interest to you.

Another list?

Mm-hmm.

[all laugh]

"25 Reasons We Are Permanently Hiring Billy and Julie"!

Oh, my God!

Yes!

Kayla, thank you so much!

Thank you!

Of course.

Oh, my God!

Thank you, seriously.

Now I don't have to become domestic partners.

And I never have to see Matthew again!

I don't know what any of that means, and sadly I can't stay to explore.

I have to go to a TV press event dinner tonight and I can't decide which Peter Pan-collared baby doll dress to shove my 46-year-old body into.

Bye. Good luck.

Billy, a steady paycheck. Finally, a real steady paycheck.

I know I should feel proud, but I just feel fat and like I should apologize.

So I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I'm fat.

Oh, no. She's turned you into me.

Billy, you've been Marilyned.

No, it's actually been great having a mom again.

Well, if you're choosing a maternal figure, I think you're making a big mistake.

She only loves her own vision of who you could be.

But that person is so thin.

What Marilyn gives is conditional love.

Arthur's the opposite of Marilyn.

His love is so unconditional...

He cooks in his sleep.

He cooks in his sleep.

sh*t.

I gotta hold on to him.

Yeah, you do.

And I gotta get out of Marilyn's house.

Yeah, you do.

[upbeat rock music]

My first real acting job on TV and everyone's so nice!

So you said.

And now they're throwing me a dinner after I'm wrapped?

Good for you, spray cheese.

Look, obviously you're angry about the whole domestic partners thing.

I'm not stupid, I'm just insensitive.

Are you apologizing?

No, I'm...

I'm compromising.

If you want to be domestic partners, which clearly you do, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Oh, but look out!

Hot dog water.

Number 2 most disgusting thing about New York City.

I'll be right back with your complimentary bread and shrimp.

Yum!

Sorry I'm in my kitty suit.

My party dress smells like hot dogs.

Bless your wooden head.

Is that the accent you've been doing?

Yeah, why?

It just sounds a little, mm, you know.

Julie, who's this handsome gentleman?

Oh, we live together.

Like an in-home aide?

You can say that again. [laughs]

No, I'm her boyfriend.

Actually, domestic partner.

The point is he fucks her.

When she lets me.

[laughs]

Every man everywhere is awful.

Hey, guys, I'd like to propose a toast, to our little Julie.

Cheers.

Look, Julie, they love you.

"Little," they said.

Julie!

Here are the new friends I told you about... the reporters who want to meet you.

This is our mentally disabled Julie.

Mentally disabled?

Julie?

It's that voice you were doing.

Wait a minute. Have you guys only been nice to me because you think I'm...

Wait, your voice changed.

Of course it changed.

I was pretending to be Australian pretending to be American.

You are a vile human being!

Stealing a job from a special needs actress?

What are you talking about?

You guys wrote that role just for me.

And besides, it didn't say anything in the script about her being...

Your name was Patches and you sold balloons.

Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud, that's really offensive.

And it's not my fault that being Australian makes you sound special needs.

You bitch!

Get the f*ck out of my steakhouse.

[balloon pops]

I'll miss this bed.

I learned to masturbate in that bed.

I'll miss this bed less.

Holy sh*t, Billy, look. From Kayla.

"Buzzlist's 21 Offensive Abominations Julie Kessler Is Still Worse Than."

Congrats!

Thanks!

Oh, my God, you b*at Jar-Jar.

I finally arrived.

Just in time to be shown the door.

Sorry I got us fired.

That's okay.

Here's the thing. We're destined to be stars.

Real stars, not list-makers.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is that we can't wait for someone to label us.

Exactly, because the moment they do, they'll assume that you're mentally disabled.

Yeah, or worse, nothing at all.

I'm a wolf. You are a wolf.

Billy, hi...

Oh, of course.

Another one leaves you.

Thanks a lot and out with the garbage.

Marilyn, thank you so much for making me feel like I belong here, but yeah, I gotta go.

I'm just gonna stay at my brother's until my building gives me the all-clear.

Well, you'll be back.

Ask your sister.

I mean, Julie.

Read me another Buzzlist as Patches.

[overemphasized accent] Certainly, friend for life.

"Number 1, hot dog water."

♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪