03x06 - The Party

[bunniefuu]

If anyone has any information on who put the shag, marry or k*ll chart in the canteen, it would be gratefully received. The dinner ladies are technically members of staff.

They don't deserve to be ranked in that way.

OK. Well, that's all. Let's have a good last day.

And I hope to see you all bright and refreshed at the beginning of next term.

Erm...

Oh, we forgot to say goodbye to Mr Davies.

Ten full years at the school.

Having only been here a short time, I can't imagine what it must've been like working with him for that many years.

I really can't. Would any of you like to share a memory?

How about a time you felt... inspired by Mr Davies?

Anyone?

(Boy coughs)

Yes, Robin. Who... Who is he?

It's me, Robin!

And I think we're done. Good luck, Mr Davies.

You're certainly gonna need it.

I'd like to say a few words, could I, head teacher?

If you must. I must.

I just wanted to say have a great summer holiday and I've had a lot of fun teaching here.

I have, really.

And, er...

Yeah. So, great news, I was chatting to the head, and he says you can all go home early today. You can go now. See you later.

(Cheering)

Excuse me!

That is not the case. Will you all please return to your seats?

Can you all please sit... Can you all please sit down?

I'm having a leaving party tonight at Special Needs.

It's fancy dress, surf wear. You can come if you like. No? Didn't think so!

Sir! Sir! Hey, boys, you better go back in. The head's gonna pop his big vein.

I just wanted to give you this. No way!

"Dear, sir. Having Miss Clarke has made us realise that you are a sh*t teacher.

But you was a fairly good laugh and you didn't make us do no work."

Thank you. I honestly don't know who you are.

I know, Robin. That's not for me. It is.

I mean... that is actually very good. It took me ages.

Come on, you lot. Back inside.

The head thinks we're in LA. He's rung round to say we're on lockdown.

What time at Special Needs, then? No way! You're not coming?

Well, congratulations, you may be the only school representative.

I've got a Hawaiian dress. My son says he'll leave home if I ever wear it, so this might be my chance to get rid of the f*cking parasite.

God, they are scum, aren't they?

Will you miss this place? Yeah.

No.

Yes. Perhaps.

Are you alright? Yeah, I'm trying to be poetic and aloof.

Oh, I thought you'd had a stroke. Well, I'm glad you're having a great time, cos in one year of teaching here, you're gonna look like this.

You don't look so bad. Go on. No, honestly.

I mean, you're fat, obviously. Obviously.

And your teeth are a bit... f*cked. f*cked!

Did you need some spare knickers?

What? You've got some hanging out your trousers.

sh*t!

See you later. Yeah, bye.

Oh! f*ck! Be careful, my fat friend, the streets in America are full of lunatics with g*ns.

You pause at traffic light, they say, "Come on, move up!"

Bang! "Agh!"

So I give you this... to protect yourself.

Oh. Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr Berkoff.

Hey, use it!

You're meant to be in beachwear, Brian. This is how I dress to the beach.

Anyway, fancy dress is pointless escapism.

As I said to Julia's brother, you may be dressed as Yogi Bear, but you're still the subject of an HMRC investigation.

You must've got dressed up as a kid. Yes, Michael Thompson's birthday party, 1981.

I was five. I went as Neville Chamberlain.

Thompson led the mockery, but he works at a Mecca Bingo now and has stopped laughing almost completely.

Brian, I'm worried about... What are we gonna do when it's just us?

Do you think you could be a little less... you?

Et tu, Jo?

Yeah, I'm starving. I think I might have a third egg.

Oi, you! Costume! You look like a serial k*ller from an ITV drama.

Sorted? Music?

Mickey's got decks. He's doing a lot of poppers at the moment so expect Backstreet Boys.

OK. Lighting? Remember, it's gotta look... Good on camera. I know. All sorted.

You still think a Skype call from your party is the best way to tell Emma you're coming?

Yeah. I've told her. Two o'clock her time. Get ready for a phone call and the surprise of her life!

Romantic. Frightening is the word.

Never mind that. Did you get the invites out? Of course.

Barely made the post thanks to the venue change. What venue change?

Oh, didn't I mention? We can't have it in the shop, the man said.

What man? Landlord. No parties in the shop, apparently. Quite right, too.

Jo, it's always been at the shop!

Dan! Look at me!

(He sighs)

Look at me! Jo!

Do you trust me? Look at me! Do... you... trust... me?

No. Not at all.

Go home and wait. It's gonna be off the f*cking chain!

Where is it? Last time I saw her this confident, I ended up driving into the spot where she had definitely seen a leprechaun.

Needless to say, it was an old lady. I am having a f*cking party! Oi!

Shh! Be quiet! You be quiet for once!

Bob!

Go on, then. What do I care? I'm leaving. Go and get him.

Tell you what, I'll get him myself!

Bob! Bob!

Bob!

Bob!

(Door closes)

You out here, Bob?

God, you look like your old man. Ah, hi, Bob.

Ahhh.

Following your love to America is just the kind of crazy thing he would've done.

Yeah, it's pretty stressful.

Hey, 30 years ago, I left home to be with the woman I loved.

The heart wants what it wants to have.

And you don't regret it.

Bob!

It's the worst thing I ever done. Bob!

She sleeps with a house brick. Bob!

Yeah, coming, baby.

All I see when I close my eyes at night is fried eggs!

I'm in hell!

Bob!

Dan! Dan! Bob! You've gotta help a brother out!

Don't leave me alone with her! You don't know what it's like!

Dan!

Bob!

(He gasps)

Have you seen my braces, Polly? They're in the drawer.

I've looked in the drawer, obviously, for pity's sake. I'm the guilty party, I'm afraid.

Fan belt went on the Land Rover and I'm getting her ready for sale so I had to improvise.

I see.

Oh! For me? Is it a toaster?

No, it's a surfboard! No way! It's so... portable. They love surfing, the Americans. We looked it up on Yahoo.

Can't see you surfing myself. Coastguard'll think you're the corpse of an elephant seal.

Charming. You must come and do a speech at my leaving party. Which presumes I'm attending.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la. Tell him, Polly.

It's just a silly mistake.

Daddy booked a weekend in Bruges and I thought it was next weekend.

Too late for a refund, sadly.

You're not... coming?

Oh, Daniel, don't be upset. I won't go. I'll stay.

Polly! I'll come to the party, Daniel, don't you worry.

I'll drink for the three of us. It's fine.

Have you seen my flip-flops? They're in your bedroom. And I've packed everything all ready.

Come and see.

Oh, you got him a present, too. You should've given it to him. It's not for Daniel.

"Sorry you're leaving?" It's for you, Nesta.

For me? Oh, dear. I just presumed you must be missing the farm.

Three's a crowd, after all.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

You will be careful in these flip-flops, won't you, love?

When you were young, your knees were all... Covered in plasters, I know.

(She sniffs)

Come on, don't cry.

One of the crevices will fill up and you'll drown in your own face.

(She sobs)

You will ring when you land? Yes, of course I will, silly.

(Mobile phone rings)

What? Where?

Right.

It's Jo. She says come outside, she's on Moorcroft Drive.

Jo, what is going on? Party time! Where?

Right here! Three, two, one...

Party bus!

(All cheer)

♪ Backstreet's back, alright ♪

Can I have a word with you?

This is not a party bus! It is. It smells of meat!

Dan, a party's what you make of it.

Allez! Allez! The party, the party! I know, Francois, we'll be there in a minute.

I am not Skyping Emma from the back of a f*cking lorry!

(He speaks French angrily)

Yes, alright, Francois! Les vache sans dans la bibliotheque!

God, he's touchy today.

(He speaks French)

(He speaks French angrily)

(Engine starts)

Francois! Francois! Where are you taking the party? Francois!

Where's your party gone?

I'm sure it'll be fine, young man, the party probably just needs an MOT.

Mickey's not answering his phone. Must be some sort of misunderstanding. No sh*t!

Better be making tracks, Polly.

Where's Nesta? I'm not the woman's keeper!

Bye, Daniel.

(She sighs)

La vache est dans la bibliotheque? The cow is in the library?

Yes, it's just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

Well, what do the girls think about it?

They're quite happy?

Right. No, I just, that's fine.

Yep, no, that's fine.

(He yells)

(Bang on door)

Brian! Brian!

So, 90 percent of my guests are in the back of a lorry on the way to France, Nesta has gone AWOL, and my own mum can't attend cos she's gone on a mini break with a c**t.

So far, so good. A leaving do is an overrated thing.

It's just an ego boost. The important thing...

Oh, we're having a party.

Not here. Yes, we f*cking are, Brian. Jo, get some tunes on and call the remaining guests.

Brian, what booze have you got? I don't have anything and you're not having it here.

I have to disobey you, Brian. I'm probably being silly but I can't help but feel some of this is my fault.

No, no, no, the international miniatures are display only! Not any more.

I spent more than 20 years on that collection.

Well, you can keep the bottles. Portuguese Scotch, anyone?

Oh, God, it tastes like blood, but it feels like it's doing the trick.

Miss Clarke's trying to get a babysitter so she might come. Good!

Here, have a Slovakian port as a well done.

Keep trying. Good, Brian!

Now, it's a party, we're gonna need decorations and lighting. What have you got?

Nothing. This is my home, not a scout disco.

Brian, I am having a leaving party!

It's gonna be fun and we're gonna get drunk and then, in two hours, I'm gonna Skype the love of my life and tell her I'm coming to America.

(Mobile phone rings)

Oh, Christ, it's her. She's ringing early.

Look at the f*cking state of this! She can't see this!

OK, OK, calm down. I've got some Christmas tree lights in the loft.

Good. You can give me a leg up. Jo, keep trying the lorry, and try and track Nesta down.

That's right, I want my 80-year-old aunty here to bolster numbers. Cor, what a party!

(Phone rings)

Don't look at me like that, Hound.

(Dog barks)

No, Daniel doesn't want a silly old lady at his party.

(Dog whines)

Just you and me now.

Let me go up, for God's sake, I know where they are. Everything is in a very specific order.

Seriously, Brian.

It's a collector's item. I've got every issue since 1993.

That MP you've got the hots for.

Anne Fenton. You can see into her bathroom from up here.

Oh, my God! I'll board it up immediately.

She's in there now. Then get the lights and bring them down.

If your gaze lingers for two seconds longer, you're a peeping Peter.

You won't get into America because you'll be on a list.

Oh, come on, it's my leaving party.

Two lads, high jinks and all that.

Besides, I know you wanna have a little peek.

You haven't stopped talking about her. Absolutely not.

This is bloody illegal. Stop looking, then, you pervert!

I mean, she's in her dressing gown, so it's alright, I suppose.

It's fine! It's just high jinks.

Oh, hang on a minute. What is she up to?

Magnificent creature.

Oh, no. She's not.

(She farts)

She is, I'm afraid.

I mean, fine, get her to the party, but you better get some pizza.

She's gonna be hungry.

(She farts)

I don't believe you! I'm going down.

Hey, she'll hear the creak. Besides, this is the only fun I've had all day.

Watching a member of parliament having a...

(She farts)

Dear God, man! What's become of us?

Brian, this is my party!

(Clattering)

Hello, there. Just getting some lights down for a party, if you fancy it?

Kenyan tequila?

I think there's a chance she may call the police.

Dear God, I was gonna ask her to a cheese and wine.

Not my problem. I'll be on a plane tomorrow. Oh!

(Mobile phone rings)

Emma, again!

We are gonna have to get set up quickly.

Phone's dead. Gimme. I'm worried. Mickey's not allowed on ferries.

Where are we going, anyway? Where do you think? Your shop!

And I don't care if they're not allowed parties! We're going there! Oh, no, Dan, we can't.

For God's sake, Dan, just accept there isn't gonna be a party. There f*cking is!

Oh, Jo.

When did this happen? Yesterday.

It wasn't the monkey att*ck, was it? Because I'll tell them I got those wounds at Whipsnade.

No, you know what it was, Brian. It wasn't making any money.

You tried to warn me. I'm sorry, Dan.

You should've just told us, you idiot.

We could still go to the pub.

(Mobile phone rings)

This will be Francois.

Hello?

No, I'm with... Dan, it's your mum.

Has she landed? She's in hospital.

(Machine beeps)

You scared the life out of me!

I'm OK. Tell him, doctor.

She had a little angina att*ck. Oh, Polly! Not your...

Angina! It's heart related.

(She sighs)

Was it him? Did he stress you out, that arsehole?

And where is he? It wasn't Daddy.

Really, it wasn't.

It wasn't caused by stress. It's been a long time coming.

She will get better? Your mother will be fine, but she's gonna need a lot of looking after.

Recovery from this takes a while.

You see? Daddy's gone home to get me some things already.

I'll be fine. He'll look after me.

You should get back to Jo's shop and carry on the party.

There is no party, Mum. And it doesn't matter.

Just concentrate on getting better.

What a bloody mess, eh?

Your mum will be alright. Jo and I will pop in. You've got your own family to worry about, mate.

Yeah, sort of.

What? Oh, it doesn't matter.

Come on, let's have it all. It's nothing.

(He sighs)

Julia's promotion came through, that's all.

It's in Scotland.

Bit harder to see the girls.

Bloody hell!

(He tuts)

Come on.

This must be the worst party of all time, right?

Your mum will be fine. She's got Daddy.

Yeah.

Why do you think he went home to get her stuff that quickly?

I mean, she's barely been in here an hour. I did think it was a bit odd, but...

What are you doing here, you giraffe full of sh*t! You should be with your mother!

What are you doing?

You're leaving her... when she's in hospital?

You bloody stay here and nurse an invalid for months on end if you like, it's not my cup of tea.

Ah, that's right! Go on, hit me!

There's nothing I'd like more than to see thee in court.

Go on!

Give Daddy a slap.

(He sighs)

You're not my daddy.

You silly little man. Where are you gonna go?

She's as good as it gets.

You're right, three is a crowd, you little sh*t.

Nesta, you're a family of bottlers. You wouldn't dare.

(He groans)

Now, you're my witness, Daniel. He ran straight onto it.

Clumsy little rat. I saw it with my own eyes.

I'm sorry I'm late, dear. I got a text from Jo.

Come on, let's go and see your poor mum.

(Machine beeps)

I feel such an old fool.

You are an old fool.

(She laughs)

Well, I'm an old fool with a lot of time on my hands now.

So I'll be able to come and stay with you in America... for weeks.

Oh, God. Me, too!

Maybe we could open up an American business, Dan.

Yeah, I've been thinking about this. What did you say sold well at your shop?

Newspapers, bags and sweets. Weird, right? Yeah.

I mean, it's almost as if you should've opened a...

Newsagents? I'll help you with a new pitch tomorrow.

Wicked! And I'll drive you to the airport, Dan.

I'm not going. What?

Come on, of course I'm not going. Jesus Christ, look at the state of you all.

And besides, following a girl to America based on one knee-trembler is folly, right, Nesta?

Well... Sorry.

God, sorry. Hi, Dan.

I, erm... I just heard about your mum and I brought this.

Veg! Sweet!

(whispers): My idea.

Well, come in, dear. Any friend of Daniel's is a friend of ours.

(Mobile phone rings)

Oh. Sorry, I better take this.

(Mobile phone rings)

"Oh, at last. Where have you been? I've been leaving you messages." Hey.

It's all fine. "It's not all fine!"

It is. I'm here with her now. It's all sorted.

But listen, Emma, I'm staying. "What are you talking about?" It's madness, I know, but I was gonna follow you out there, but with everything that's happened...

"Dan! I told you I hadn't been feeling well. You f*cking idiot! I'm pregnant."

No! "Dan..." But, no...

(He screams)

Oh! Ow! Agh! Oh!

Ow! Help me! Help!

(He screams)

Oh! Oh, f*ck it!

(He groans)

Dan?

Yup. All good.

♪ I fell in love ♪
♪ With an idea ♪
♪ I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I fell in love ♪
♪ With an idea ♪
♪ I know, I know, I know ♪