03x06 - No Child Left Behind

[bunniefuu]

[g*nshots]

Where the hell you get a g*n, Uncle Julius?

Bass Pro Shop. He's still breathing.

[g*nsh*t]

[screams]

When you signed with my team, I said I'd be there for you and your family. That wasn't bullshit.

Brittany, this is not safe.

Then why is it here?

It's not safe for pregnant women.

I'm a kid.

I don't see a sign that says pregnant kids can't jump in here.

I got 20K upstairs.

In quarters?

Susan Bs, nickels, dimes, quarters, pennies.

When are we gonna talk about my father?

♪

[sighs]

[taps]

[beeping]

[beeping]

[beeping]

[trilling]

♪

Ma, put some gas in it.

There's jihadi brides walk faster than you.

Shut up, I'm concentrating.

My TraceYourBloodline.com came back.

I'm learning my ancestry.

Oh, let me guess, you're black.

You actually did that?

Why not?

$99 plus a cheek swab. Upper cheek, you know?

I wouldn't send my saliva through the mail in this day and age.

It ain't your saliva. It's God's saliva.

There is no telling what they could do with it. It's genetic material.

Missy's got a point, Ma. You seen Jurassic Park.

In two weeks, there could be a 90-foot version of you walking around looking for dinner.

"See it now, 'The 90-foot Hungry Menopausal Bitch' in 3-D."

[laughs] Well, Julius was always curious, so I figured I'd do it in his memory.

I figured if I pray him up the results, you know, he'll know what line to get in.

There's no segregation in heaven.

Every culture has its own heaven gifts.

Yeah, like black heaven, I'm sure, has a nice domino setup.

Yeah, and everybody's got a good credit score.

[laughs] Cool jazz in the elevators. Blair Underwood holdin' doors.

Morgan Freeman's voice telling you what floor to get off on.

Neither one of those guys is dead and why the f*ck would there be elevators?

Heaven fantasies should at least make some kind of sense.

Okay, look, we got a little Congo.

Some Iberian Peninsula. Some other stuff.

But mostly Nigerian.

All right! We're Nigerian!

Oh!

You know, the only ancestor I'm interested in is my most recent one... my father.

Here we go.

Seriously, you're going back thousands of years and I just want to go back 28.

And I don't need no cheek swab, neither.

Just an address and a w*apon.

I am really excited about this.

She's ignoring me. You see how she does that?

I'm just over here working the glutes.

If a woman loses a loved one, her life can get real small if she's not vigilant.

That's why I plan on opening new doors and I'm walking through those doors, and I don't give a f*ck who... agh! Piece of sh*t!

Hey, man, what is wrong with you?

What? I thought you'd know what to do with it.

They got this new thing now. It's called a cell phone.

It wasn't safe to leave it in the house.

Yes, it was. It had dwelt there safely for some time.

In fact, it was in a safe, which is called a safe because it's safe.

It ain't called a "very risky."

We gotta keep it off the streets.

It was off the streets. It was locked in a safe safe under our dead uncle's bed.

It couldn't have been farther off the streets.

If you're done, we got a g*n in the trunk. What do we do with it?

You asking me some witness-stand sh*t.

I... I don't even know where he got it.

He said Bass Pro Shops.

"Oh, Your Honor, they said their uncle got the g*n from Bass Pro Shops."

Man, look, we have no idea what this g*n was used for beyond illegally k*lling a deer.

If Uncle Julius was here, he would know what to do.

If Uncle Julius was here, this wouldn't be a problem because this g*n would still be locked in a safe underneath his bed causing no trouble to no one.

I don't want it in my house.

Okay, let's take it to Flaherty.

Why would we do that?

Because this is Georgia, that's a g*n, and my instincts are telling me to find a white guy, especially when a white guy told me "If you have a problem, come to me."

This g*n is a problem, we're goin' to him.

Are you drivin' or me?

I'm not drivin' that m*therf*cker.

The green represents Nigeria's natural resources and the white represents peace.

White for the skin of those who conquered us.

Green for the cash corrupt kings got in return.

Chuck, take it easy. That flag should be a blanket.

Would you let your mother...

That flag should be an airline ticket representing how to get the f*ck out of Nigeria.

That's r*cist.

Ain't r*cist if you're the same race.

Then you're a countryist.

Mary Charles, I'm not gonna listen to your killjoy bullshit.

And you better hope the ancestors ain't either.

That's some goose pimple sh*t.

Are you five?

I was so sure black butlers would be better.

I'm counting the silver, Squeeze.

I brought that spoon from home.

Yeah, watch your step.

Would you two just knock it off?

Cassie: Hey, I hope y'all hungry.

We're going to the best Nigerian restaurant in town.

M-Chuck: Great, that's a food mart at a gas station.

I didn't hear that.

What are you gonna do next?

Walk around with your titties out?

Missy: Ugh. I don't wanna see that.

I'm buyin'.

f*ck it, I'll go just to see her pick up the check.

Missy: I would like to see that.

♪

Growin' up, did you eat cereal with lead paint in place of milk?

'Cause that would make sense the way your guys' brains work sometimes... slowly without regard to potentially negative consequences.

Cam didn't want it at his house. I did not want it at mine.

Me, I was born stupid, so I have an excuse. Bad genes.

He said bring it to you.

What the f*ck for?

And how'd you get past security?

We had a g*n.

It's a cakewalk on non-game days.

It is?

Look, we just thought you'd want to know about it.

So text me. I'm sure your phone's got a g*n emoji.

We thought you'd know what to do with it.

'Cause I'm Irish so I got the IRA on speed dial?

What's the IRA?

What's speed dial?

Look, how do people in Georgia give away their g*ns?

How should I know, f*ck nut? I'm from Boston like you.

That's why I signed you, because I wanted a guy on my team who also rooted for the Patriots.

[laughs]

I f*cking hate the Patriots.

Don't ever say that again.

They cheated.

Did not! They f*ckin' did not!

Oh, sh*t!

So let me get this straight.

You two believe that whenever or whatever a person accuses you of, the accusation makes it true?

That and the evidence.

What f*ckin' evidence?

Jimmy, the lack of fumbles.

Spygate, text messages, a destroyed cell phone.

Wait, what do you need? You need like 50 footballs to come forward and say, "Hey, Tom Brady deflated us"?

Cam, I accuse you of being a great rebounder.

Doesn't make it true, does it?

That's cold.

Reggie, I accuse you of parting the milky white buttocks of a young French boy named Emile. True because I said so?

Okay, I think we get your point.

Don't say sh*t about the Patriots when I got a g*n in my hand.

Diane, drive in here!

Wow, she on a ramp or something?

Get Clayton Beckwith on the phone.

Is this about the .45?

You know your firearms.

I know .45s.

I still have a b*llet fragment between my T3 and T4.

That's how I got like this. My sister sh*t me on accident.

By accident.

Oh, God, I'm... I'm so sorry.

Hey, freedom isn't free.

That b*llet could have just as easily missed me and hit a Muslim extremist.

♪

Isn't this food delicious?

No.

Nigeria has a rich culinary heritage.

This tastes like peanuts and vaccines.

God damn it, it's the same as Caribbean food and you would like it fine if they just added steel drums and some fruit.

I would like it fine if they added Caribbean food to my plate.

How is everything?

Oh, ethnically beautiful. Thank you.

I'm Eka, the owner.

Oh, hi. I'm Cassie, this is my daughter Mary Charles and my niece Melissa.

Missy.

Mary Charles and I are very excited about being here.

We actually just found out we're Nigerian.

Oh! This is what you have to do.

What?

Send an e-mail to everyone you know that you're in a terrible situation and they need to wire you 500 US.

[laughs] That's good.

She got jokes. That was good.

Funny-ass jokes. So what part of Nigeria are you from?

My family are from the Efik tribe in Calabar.

What brought you to this country?

A large crate.

[laughs] She's funny. She's funny.

It's only through self-deprecation that one assimilates into America.

Girl, we don't go 10 minutes without shittin' all over each other.

It must be a Nigerian thing, huh?

Charming.

So are there a lot of us Nigerians here in Atlanta?

Oh, yes. You know, after lunch, we close for a few hours until dinner.

Would you like me to show you around our Atlanta?

You would do that?

Oh, you have such a winning personality, Cassie.

I will not let you out of my sight. [Laughs]

"Winning personality."

"Winning personality." Did you hear that?

Heard it.

As surprised as you were.

This is what happens when you hang around with your own people.

You're finally understood.

Mm-hmm.

You know, you could have just advised us over the phone.

Yeah, well, I needed to see what it looked like first.

Like a g*n.

Not all g*ns tell the same story.

This is a nickel-plated .45. It's a sweet g*n.

A flashy g*n. A gangster's g*n.

This is the g*n of a pimp, a player, a force.

Now, I'm not saying Uncle Julius was any of those things, but, uh, this is g*n as jewelry.

Yeah, you could wear this with an S-Curl or a fade.

Could you put the g*n down, please?

You sure you don't wanna hang on to it as a remembrance of Uncle Julius?

That's okay. You know, we got lots of other stuff.

Yeah, we got hats and a lot of nice photos.

Each to his own.

Although it's not within my standard bailiwick, I... I do have a gat man.

I'll take it to him and, uh, find out if it's clean.

All right. Thank you, Clayton.

Cam: You know how to get past security?

I got a g*n.

♪

We have such a rich Efik culture here in Atlanta that we even have our very own dance troupe.

I like it.

This is the Abang dance.

In celebration of the earth goddess.

We respect you, earth goddess.

Very good, Cassie. You are a natural.

'Course she is. She's been full-blown Nigerian for almost three hours now.

Hey, Cassie, what's that? The "earth goddess ass clap"?

Yeah.

Reggie: Will you just k*ll him already?

I'm trying.

You shouldn't even own a virtual g*n.

Die, fucky!

Come on.

You just sh*t a cat.

[taps]

Oh, sh*t!

[laughing]

Oh, that was even funnier than I saw it in my head.

Squeeze, you're supposed to announce the f*cking guests.

Squeeze: My bad.

This g*n is cleaner than the assh*le of an obsessive-compulsive.

Great. So how do we get rid of it?

Well, shockingly, Georgia does not have an active g*n amnesty program, uh, but you can turn it in at any police station.

[laughs] So two black guys, we walk into an Atlanta police station with a g*n?

This is what you're advocating?

Reggie, you need to adjust your prejudicial Northern perspective.

There are plenty of black policemen and politicians here in Atlanta.

And nothing's more central to the idea of law enforcement than taking weapons from black people.

Okay, how about this, how about you turn it in for us?

Well, loathe as I am to, uh, refuse any form of billable hours, I do have a family function to prepare for.

You're both invited, by the way. Check your in-boxes.

So there are no other options for the g*n?

Well, you could take it to a metalworks and have it melted down.

Take it to a gunsmith and have it, uh, altered so it can't fire anymore. We call that "gelding."

And it provokes in me the same response as does the news of a woman's breast reduction... "why?"

I just want the thing gone.

How in Georgia do you give away an unwanted g*n?

I don't even know that's ever come up.

There may not be a Georgian alive who even understands that question.

But I suppose you could take it to an elementary school in a poor neighborhood earmarked for an underprivileged child who can't afford his own firearm.

Clayton.

How 'bout we just throw it in a creek?

He's been reading Mark Twain.

Only an idiot would throw it in a creek. You'd see it at the bottom.

A... listening to an audiobook is not reading.

I read with my ears.

But, B... there's a spot where Peachtree Creek meets the Chattahoochee.

The water is dark and deep.

There you will find an abandoned toolshed.

What you wanna do is, uh, walk about 20 paces north, aim for the buoy. Or so I'm told.

[chuckles]

[sighs] Forgive them, beauty.

They know not what they do.

♪

For you, Cassie, the Ibuot Abang headdress.

Oh!

Befitting your stature.

Oh, well, I hear that.

And you should definitely wear that hat the next time you're the Grand Wizard of the Gay Pride parade.

And for you, Mary Charles, the Anana Ubok because I saw you admiring the necklace on the mannequin.

Actually, I prefer "woman-nequins."

And for you, Melissa, the Onyonyo, which, depending on the size of the woman, can be used as a wedding gown, a tablecloth or a car cover.

[laughs]

You know, I really wish my brother Julius was here.

Because I would tell him today has taught me we're not just African-Americans.

We're also American-Africans.

We don't use that term anymore.

The politically correct term is African-non-Americans.

I don't think that's grammatically correct.

Is Drake an African-Canadian?

Technically, I think he's a Jewish Afro-Canuck.

Well, Drake is proof that I'm sexually attracted to Arabs, but that's another discussion for later.

Dear friends, I'm so glad our time has brought you such comfort.

I'm so sad to leave, but my daughter is coming home from school.

Oh, no parting of ways, Eka.

This is going to be a cultural exchange two-way street.

Now we're gonna take you and your daughter out.

[laughs]

That's not gonna fit in the car.

♪

Hey, hey. Come on.

Oh, no, you... you don't need me to go with you.

They don't know me. Without you, they will sh**t me at which point you'll feel bad.

Man, you on some real bitch-ass sh*t.

Hey, whose bitch-ass drove to my house? This isn't even my g*n.

I know managers who would take a b*llet for their guy.

You won't even give a b*llet away.

That makes no sense.

Come on, scaredy-man. You want me to hold your hand?

f*ck you, g*n fucky.

Oh, that's a good one.

You see what this g*n is doing? You see what it's doing?

It's making us argue over it.

It's now something that... that's come between us.

This is what g*ns do. They have a life of their own and they don't want that life to end, but it is ending right now.

Fine. Let's go.

Never shoulda gone in Julius' room.

Ya think?

f*ck are you doing? I ain't taking any chances.

Look who's scared now. Just put your hands down.

Get on the floor just to be safe.

Get on the floor? Will you... no... get up, man.

You don't want any embarrassing footage following you around for the rest of your life.

It's a life that can end in the next few seconds if we ain't careful.

You're a f*cking professional basketball player. Just keep cool.

Hello, Officer.

Ma'am.

I am pro basketball player and pillar of the community Cam Calloway.

And I'm his God-fearing cousin Reggie Vaughn.

And in the trunk of our legally registered car parked at this very station, we have a g*n.

This is one sweet g*n.

You sure you wanna give it up?

Very sure.

Because between us, you're a famous guy and our response time to home invasions is not what it once was.

Budget cuts?

Somewhat.

Not sure what else.

Well, we got faith in you.

What about when you go out? You're a target, sir.

But you can carry your w*apon concealed or open in our state.

Imagine the feeling of walking into a bar or restaurant, the changing room of a haberdasher.

That's a clothing store.

I know what a f*cking haberdasher is, man.

I was just saying...

I went to college. I know words.

I'm not saying you didn't...

Just strolling around your neighborhood knowing that you will not be a victim.

That you are not the high-profile athlete that anybody wants to f*ck with.

Not you, no, sir. You are not a p*ssy.

We didn't make the world crazy, Mr. Calloway.

But us few remaining sane ones have the right to go on living in it.

Inyene is having the time of her young life.

Well, she's seeing America at its best.

It's been a difficult week for Inyene.

We had planned a birthday party for her.

Sadly, our church was b*rned to the ground.

Oh, well, we can have the party at our house.

Oh, I could never so impose.

Cassie, do you remember what happened last time we threw a birthday party?

That girl was white and pregnant.

Both of which are party K*llers and neither of which this girl is. Am I right?

Inyene is neither white nor with child.

See? Well, there you go.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

My dear new friend. Oh, you are such generous Americans.

You literally cannot give a g*n away in the state of Georgia.

Can we sell it back to Bass Pro Shops?

No, it's a sporting goods store. It's not a pawn shop.

Okay, then how about a pawn shop?

This is the stupidest sh*t we've ever done.

[both chuckle]

Yeah, it is.

f*ck.

Where we going next?

I guess the f*ckin' Chattahoochee.

♪ Take it easy, life is sweet ♪
♪ It's very sweet... ♪

Yeah, I thought there'd only be Nigerians here, but I see other Africans, Indonesians, Middle Easters.

You know what? I think we totally captured the true spirit of Calabar.

In a day. It is amazing what passion will do.

And about $18,000.

I gotta say, I've never seen you so lit up.

Well, this is what it looks like when a person finally discovers who she really is.

I wish the same for you.

Whoever you are, you're still Ma.

Does it seem odd that Inyene is the only child here?

It's more than odd. It's f*ckin' freaky.

Well, maybe she doesn't have many friends at school.

Maybe they just do things different.

Maybe you're the most negative person that ever laid step on earth.

I'm just seein' what I see.

Mrs. Calloway.

Hi.

I am ready for my bath now.

Okay, baby. Go get your mother and I'll go get the stuff that makes the bubbles.

So stinking cute.

Holy f*ck, her bath?

Yeah, why is she askin' you about a bath? That's weird.

What? Eka said it's some kind of tradition or somethin'...

Guys, guys, "bath" is a euphemism for clitoral circumcision.

What?

You have offered up your house for ritual mutilation of the female genitalia.

Huh?

They are gonna slice that poor girl's clitoris off.

[laughs] Shut up.

You are ridiculous.

How do you even come up with this sh*t?

I live in the world is how.

Do you ever read the books I give you?

I do.

Bullshit.

Don't tell me you read the Alice Walker book.

I tried to read that f*ckin' Alice Walker book.

It's too f*ckin' long. Just get away from Danny Glover already.

Not that Alice Walker book. Never mind.

Cassie, you have got to stop this.

That poor girl's clitoris is in your hands.

You know, this is just like you.

You know, always got sh*t to say to rain on my parade.

Look in the living room.

Oh, sh*t, it looks like "CSI: Nigeria" in here.

Well, maybe they're painting.

Well, ask Eka what this is. She's obviously not hiding it.

Well, it ain't what you say. My people would never do that.

Eka... my pain-in-the ass niece has this crazy idea that you're about to do a female genital manipulation.

Mutilation.

You know what the hell I meant.

If Missy is speaking of Inyene's rite of passage, then she's correct, Cassie.

Of course. Did you not know what a bath was?

She read the wrong Alice Walker book.

Cassie: Who the f*ck knew bath had more than one definition?

Well, is it a problem? You seemed so eager to embrace your heritage.

I am.

Heritage is not a menu.

You cannot simply take what you want and leave the rest.

FGM is immoral, illegal, and literally a bloodbath.

And yet it still goes on in parts of Africa, Indonesia, the Philippines.

Last year it was condemned by WHO.

Who?

Exactly.

Who condemned female genital mutilation?

f*cking right they did.

What?

WHO. The World Health Organization.

Oh, that's who. I was like, "Who?"

It's not even legal in your own country anymore.

Not even everyone in your own tribe does it.

Most Nigerians have evolved.

Nice going, Ma. Next time, go with regular Nigerians, not East St. Louis Nigerians.

I would remind you that we are in America where people may live as they choose.

We still have our laws.

That's right, and in this country, nobody hurts women except the men who claim to love them.

We don't cut clits here because it is wrong.

And also because we can't find them.

What you do turns women into property.

It... it takes away their agency.

It destroys their ability to have orgasms.

It's like a lobotomy for the p*ssy.

Can't they still get orgasm in a vag*na? What are they called again?

Vaginal orgasms?

Yes.

Only if they get f*cked by a unicorn.

Do I ask you why you circumcise penises?

False equivalency.

Both are alterations of sex organs prescribed by the community for reasons of religious and cultural tradition.

Yes, but whereas one often results in death, the other results in, at most, deep-seated psychological issues.

Okay, I don't mess with dicks or nothing, but ain't male circumcision about hygiene?

Maybe back then when they thought it up, but now we have soap.

You know, I always thought male circumcision was about, you know, keeping it simple.

You know, like, when a guy is not circumcised and when a girl is standing there looking at his... his foreskin, she's like, "What the f*ck am I supposed to do with all this sh*t?"

FGM is a barbarous act.

It degrades women. It destroys their self-esteem.

It brands them. Turns them into livestock and condemns them to a life of shame.

Do I look like livestock to you?

No, you look like Viola Davis in an orange chef's hat.

Beautiful.

Do I strike you as living a life of shame?

I am proud to be who I am and to take my place in a thousand-year continuum.

We do what we do not for the simpleminded, bourgeois reasons you offer, but precisely because it is what we do, what we have always done.

It is what makes us us.

Traditions evolve as people and cultures evolve.

The barbaric ones get left by the wayside.

And who decides what is barbaric, hmm?

Who stands at such a high moral ground?

You? [Laughs]

Americans?

I agree, you are experts in barbarism.

You enslave other cultures, att*ck anyone who disagrees with you including your own people.

You once b*rned this very city to the ground.

We didn't do that. Abe Lincoln did that.

He had a temper. Come on, you know that.

I mean, his heart was in the right place.

This is, if I may borrow a phrase I picked up here in the States, none of your f*cking business.

Mmm.

But it is your house, Cassie.

So it's your decision.

No, it's really not my house. It's Cam's house.

How about this? Instead of a bath, why don't we just get a big clit-shaped piñata?

Who are you, Cassie? Who are you?

I don't know.

Every day since my brother d*ed, I've been trying to find out.

I'm trying to make sense of the world and of life.

And the sad part about this is, for a minute there, I really thought I had something.

The law is the law.

I can't have some police task force or the FBI clit squad running through here.

You guys have got to rethink this.

I mean, clits are a gift from God.

You gotta make them work for you.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

[huffs]

Everybody come on, we're leaving.

Come on, up.

Take the f*ckin' flag down.

M-Chuck: Don't blame Nigeria, Ma.

She'd be cuttin' clits no matter where she lived.

This g*n's too shiny to throw in the river.

You put in a new code, you don't tell me what it is.

Then I will hide the safe. I won't tell you where.

So for the g*n to ever see daylight again, we both have to agree.

Like the nukes.

Okay.

Cover your eyes.

Yeah.

[beeping]

Done.

You gonna tell me the code?

Nope.

Come on, we family.

What's wrong with you?

I'm just testing the system.

Code's your birthday, isn't it?

No, and stop tryin' to "Julius" me.

By the way, there was some other sh*t in the safe.

What, an autographed picture of Marilyn McCoo?

A sh*t ton of Susan Bs, which I left in his room.

And...

Oh, sh*t.

Wow. You serious?

Yeah.

I had my last test of the season before the Philly game.

In that case, it'd be a shame not to.

Let me understand this, though.

You drove across town with six bags of weed?

Shh, let it go.

Okay.

_

♪ You'll never touch my love... ♪

Be strong, my darling.

Yes, Mama.

Can I keep my doll?

Yes, of course.

[screaming]

[baby crying]

All: Mazel tov!

[applause]

Yeah.

What just happened?

I think they cut a piece of his d*ck off.

That's okay?

They seem to think so and we get breakfast.