02x08 - Hashtag Cats

[bunniefuu]

Great show.

Right? It was amazing.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, when you first told me that you'd booked us to do an alternative comedy show that started at midnight, I was certain you'd had a stroke.

Of genius. We totally k*lled.

And it's all thanks to Shonda Rhimes.

You know how Shonda Rhimes wrote that book "The Year of Yes," about how she said yes to every opportunity?

You read that?

I read the Amazon review, and I got the gist, and I was inspired.

So this is your year of yes?

Well, it's my week of yes, but it's working so far.

I mean, we did the show, and it went well.

Julie, Billy, I had to come meet you guys after that set.

Oh, my God, Method Man?

Holy sh*t!

We love you.

And I love to laugh.

Here's who makes me laugh, you two, and Bonnie Hunt.

Thank you.

Hey, can we hang out sometimes?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, of course, anytime.

Here's my email.

MethodMan@TheMysteries ofLauraForever. com.

I love that f*cking show.

I'll holler.

Both: Method Man is our first famous friend!

[driving punk rock music]

Oh, my God, Billy, did you see the cover of Today's "New York Post"?

There's no headline or anything.

It's just a picture of a toilet.

Aren't you supposed to be having lunch with your mom?

Well, in the spirit of "My Year of No" by Nonda Rhimes, I blew her off because I'm in too good of a mood to deal with her.

I just found tickets for "#Cats" on Craigslist.

Holy sh*t, those are hard to get.

I do not approve of all these Broadway reboots.

I mean, do we need an all-white "Dreamgirls"?

Yes, but Paula Deen can't sing.

Well, this is gonna be amazing.

Grumpy Cat is a character, and naturally Sasha Grey is playing Grizabella.

I'm already squirming in my seat.

Wow, not since Gina Gershon's star turn in "Bye Bye Birdie" has the town been so loudly ambivalent.

And you're coming with me, right?

sh*t, I wish I could. I have another thing.

Don't hate me, but it's exercise-related.

It's Felix.

The cartoon cat with the bag of tricks?

No, it's my new trainer, Felix.

Uh, how can you afford a trainer?

And wouldn't that money be better spent on real shoes or a blouse that fits?

Oh, ka-zing! Yes, honey!

Matthew, why couldn't you have been on Flight 93?

No, it's actually not that expensive because Felix trains me in his apartment.

Well, then who am I gonna take to "#Cats"?

[sighs]

I guess I'll force Arthur to come with me.

[phone buzzes]

Ohh!

I just got a test from the Craigslist guy.

He said he's giving me the friend rate and knocking $50 off the price of tickets.

Wow, maybe you two will become actual friends.

Well, I mean, he's still charging me.

And as long as there's a financial transaction, it's not a real friendship.

I think I could be friends with Felix, even if he wasn't my trainer.

No, no, that's the girlfriend experience, which Sasha Grey could tell you all about, but not tonight because she'll be onstage belting "Memory."

Sasha Grey, so sad to go from doing p*rn to something as degrading as "Entourage."

[rock music]

Chad, thank you so much for fitting me in last minute.

No, it's my pleasure. I love seeing you.

♪ Marilyn is my favorite client ♪

Oh, yeah, I've heard that one.

"You're my favorite patient."

Then youtell them you don't accept their insurance.

Oh, stop, you are a panic.

Really, I'm sorry for no notice.

Ugh, my daughter cancelled on me once again because she wanted to hang out with her gay best friend.

Well, to be fair, gay best friends usually do Tr*mp all other plans for a gal that don't involve getting f*cked.

[laughs]

Wish I had a gay best friend.

Cheer up, buttercup. I'll be your bestie.

Plus, I hear gays are really great listeners.

So we have that in common.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Ta-da!

[gasps]

I could stand Julie up and hang out with you.

That's right, and then we'll show her a thing or two about a thing or two.

Really? You'll do this?

You had me at "Keep the shampooer's tip.

I don't like her attitude."

That was years ago. We've come so far.

Oh, you want to hear a funny story about coming so far?

Last night I was watching "Modern Family."

Phil Dunphy was shirtless.

Yeah?

Long story short, I ruined a wall sconce.

Pew!

Jesus, Chad.

Julie: So wait, Method Man, you really want to pitch a show with us?

Judd Apatow has Lena Dunham, right?

Ira Glass has Mike Birbiglia, right?

And now Method Man's gonna have Julie and Billy.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

I'm so happy I can't feel my limbs.

Although that could also be a side effect of my new antidepressants.

[imitates g*nsh*t]

You can't not be funny.

So what kinda TV you guys want to do?

Sitcom, talk show, maybe one of those streaming joints that claims to be a comedy but no one on the staff truly knows how to write a joke even if you put a g*n to their head?

Julie and I have been talking a lot about sketch.

Sketch comedy, love it.

I'll have my reps put together some network pitch meetings.

Wow.

Hey, you guys want to get some dinner later?

I wish I could. I have my trainer.

Ah, no dinner.

And I got tickets to see "#Cats."

"#Cats." Say word.

Yeah.

[rock music]

All right, Billy, feeling good?

Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Okay.

Why don't we start with a weighted squat?

Okay, fine.

Small, no?

All right.

Delicious. Good one.

All right, let's move on.

Wait, I only did one rep.

I have a very specific process.

We do frequent micro-intervals.

I swear you're gonna see amazing results.

Awesome.

All right, let's stretch it out with a roller.

But I didn't do anything.

Okay, how 'bout instead of you criticizing yourself, you trust me?

And you start feeling really good about the changes you've already started making.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, it's hard, you know?

When you grow up a fat kid, you're always a fat kid.

I cut out sugar this week.

And white flour after eight.

Well, ten.

Well, 12:30 if there's a good "Colbert."

You know what would make this a lot easier?

If you upgrade to my meal plan.

Oh, that sounds expensive.

It is, but if you're doing micro-intervals, you gotta confuse your body with a four-five-two-three-one ratio of fats, proteins, ketones, lipids and amino acids.

Okay.

How 'bout this?

I'll let you try it for a week for free.

Wow, really?

Man, I feel like I'm getting paid to get leaner.

Like Carrie Fisher, who makes me sad.

[rock music]

Julie?

James from Craigslist?

Yeah, yeah. You could just call me James.

[laughs]

Uh, here are the tickets.

Ah, I'm so excited! Thank you so much!

Yeah, no problem.

And here is the cash.

Fantastic.

Can we hug?

I know it's weird, but...

Okay.

Thank you again.

No problem.

All right, have a good one.

You too.

Enjoy the show.

Thank you.

[beeps]

Sorry, ma'am, there's something wrong with your tickets.

What are you talking about?

My friend James sold these to me.

They're fine.

[beeps]

Yeah, it looks like your friend James sold you some fraudulent tickets.

What?

[laughs]

Little bitch, you've been scammed.

Hi, James, it's Julie Kessler, from Craigslist. Remember me?

You f*cking scammed me, you piece of sh*t!

I will never leave you alone until you pay me back.

You f*cked with the wrong bitch, James!

I don't have a real job, and I'm very good at holding grudges.

Okay, f*ck you, bye.

You know what, noodles, third time was the charm.

I think that voicemail evened out the karma.

No, I'm not done with him.

I am never leaving him alone until he pays me back, kills himself or both.

I'm gonna leave him another voicemail.

What can I say that's gonna hurt him most?

I want him to suffer.

And I want to be the one that causes it.

This must be what it's like to be Ryan Murphy in the "American Horror Story" writers' room.

Hmm.

Julie, you should know better than that.

Ryan Murphy is never in the "American Horror Story" writers' room.

I'm not even sure there is one.

Hey, are you okay?

You seem a little out of it.

Yeah, I'm fine. I don't know.

My trainer keeps feeding me all this heavy food.

Apparently it's in the right ratio, I don't know.

All I know is it's a lot of goose fat.

But it's my year of yes, so I'm just gonna keep saying yes in the hopes that I too one day create "Grey's Anatomy."

Both: Method Man!

There's my superstars. What's good?

Yay!

First network pitch.

Yes, sir.

So tell me, how was "#Cats"?

So listen to this, you're a rapper.

You know about injustice and being f*cked over, right?

I bought fake tickets.

Get the f*ck outta here.

So you never got in to see the show?

No, no, they turned me away like some disgusting tourist wearing flip-flops.

Although the way people dress for the theater nowadays, you probably could have got in dressed like that.

sh*t! Now I'm mad about that.

I'm gonna leave this guy another voicemail.

Hold on.

Hey, cocksucker, it's me again.

Folks, we're ready for you.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, hey, how are you?

Hi, good to see...

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh.

All right.

Method Man.

Method to his Man-ness.

Double-M, oh!

We here at The Peacock, we love you, and we love Wu.

And I love Julie and Billy.

Julie: So I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

What we're proposing is a sketch show, starring us, on NBC.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

NBC already has "Saturday Night Live."

But does it?

Julie and I want to do a show like "Key and Peele," except we're not black or even bi-racial.

Not even a little bit.

No, I think all four of our biological parents come from the shetl in Lithuania or Belarus.

Yeah, genetically Billy and I are pretty pure, you know?

Which is ironic.

Yeah, I mean, in terms of h*tler's goals.

Ah, ah, ah, flag on the field.

h*tler's a little problematic for us.

Does he have to be a character?

All: Yes.

I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, I love it.

And I love the two of you.

Really?

Ah, thank you.

Wow, great, thanks.

That's awesome.

I am unfortunately gonna have to pass though.

Just a hard pass right here in the room right now.

The f*ck?

Well, um... hmm.

I will level with you.

NBC is currently rethinking it's commitment to comedy in the way that you decide to take a break from an ex who has already dumped you.

But this has been a lot of fun.

If you could just leave your unopened waters with Kathleen, that'd be great.

f*ck NBC.

We'll go sell our show somewhere else.

Is this Shonda Rhimes or Billy Epstein talking?

Come on, let's go get pizza.

All right, I'll walk with you, 'cause I actually brought my own lunch.

My trainer's making me all my meals this week for free.

He wants to f*ck you.

No, please.

If he wanted to f*ck me, he wouldn't have to give me food.

Besides, he's straight.

I think he just wants to be my friend.

Billy, I promise you, there's no such thing as being friends with someone you are employing.

Have we learning nothing from Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes?

Well, it might be cool to make the leap from trainer to friend.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for me to have a second friend.

But all the lights were off, so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Is that my mom?

Yeah, and why is she here with the real life Matt Damon from "Behind the Candelabra"?

Julie: I think that's her hairdresser.

Ooh, that's the type of guy that exists only to let you know you've walked into the wrong bar.

Hi, Mom. Oh, so sorry to interrupt.

Julie, what are you doing here?

Well, you and I had lunch plans, and then you cancelled, and yet here you sit.

[chuckles] My gay bestie, Chad, and I decided we'd come here, sit on our asses and make fun of everybody walking by.

Sound familiar?

Got it, all right.

Well, have fun, you two.

Wait.

How does it feel to be stood up by someone who'd rather hang out with their gay BFF?

Really, Mom? Is that what this is about?

Fine, but just remember, he can't be your real friend as long as you're still paying him.

Honey, if I were being paid, I would be on all-fours with a ball gag in my male vag*na.

No, my best friend is outrageous!

You are.

Stop. Stop now.

Today we're kicking it up a notch with something called interval eating.

I need you consuming small meals frequently in between spurts of highly intense workouts.

Go ahead.

While I'm running?

While you're running.

Okay, well, I'm in ShondaLand, so I will say yes to that.

Great.

Just gotta say, Billy, I really appreciate how much you trust me.

Yeah, sure.

Hit it.

Again?

Hey, you maybe want to hang out sometime, like when I'm not training?

It's so weird you said that, 'cause I was just thinking that we should be friends.

Here you go.

But I thought I was maybe crossing some sort of line.

Why don't you come over tomorrow night?

I got some friends coming over.

It'll be chill. I'm cooking a meal.

Thanks.

Can I bring my friend Julie?

I can't understand you.

Can my friend Julie come?

Oh, absolutely. Now hit that thing again.

Again?

Do you like French fries?

Now, now... At the same time?

Yeah, get it in there. This is important.

All right, slow it down a little bit on the workout, but focus on the eating. Focus.

Hey, are you named after Felix, the cartoon cat with his bag of tricks?

I can't understand you.

Are you named after Felix, the cartoon cat with his bag of tricks?

It's too much food.

Yes.

I'm good.

You're still here.

Oh, thank God.

Detective, please, help us book this perp.

I'm sorry about your bad ticket scalping experience, but I've got just one or two more pressing crimes in New York that I have to prioritize.

Oh, yeah? Well, my job's hard too, okay?

I had to recap the season finale of "Jerseylicious," and it was a two-parter, and I only got paid my regular rate, so...

Well, here's what I have to do before the end of my day.

We've got to ID a headless corpse and find the k*ller, knowing that Robert Durst was in custody at the time.

We're staking out a suspected cannibal in Sunset Park.

And finally we just found out that the Impractical Jokers are a front for a prostitution ring.

So once I deal with all of that, I'll look into your tickets.

Have a nice day.

So, like, Tuesday, you think maybe?

Thank you.

Maybe it's time you moved on.

Oh, don't worry. I already have.

Phase two.

Hi, James. It's Julie Kessler again.

Remember me, the girl you scammed?

Well, I just wanted to let you know.

Those tickets I bought were for me and my sister, who has cancer.

Her dying wish was to see "#Cats," but now poor... S. Epatha is gonna have to pass away without ever having seen it.

I had a whole evening planned for us too.

I had a white limo, a string quartet.

But you ruined it.

I'm coming, S. Epatha!

Don't cry. I know the pain is terrible.

I can't believe that you played the cancer card.

Really? How long have you known me?

And you thought the cancer card was at the bottom of the deck?

Honey, we haven't even hit the middle.

Felix, this place is so different when it's not a gym.

Oh, totally.

I bet it's also super weird to see me in jeans too, like when you used to see your teacher in public.

Oh, it's super hot, and you have to pretend that you don't know each other in front of his wife?

How 'bout a tour of the kitchen?

Sure.

Is this a pizza oven?

Yea, but this one's higher than normal.

I think it was designed for calzones.

Huh, I haven't seen a lot of these gadgets before.

So, Billy, do you enjoy training with Felix?

Oh, yeah, it's awesome.

It's like my own personal "Celebrity Fit Club," except I don't have to compete with Kevin Federline and Tweedledee.

Well, Felix enjoys training you.

Oh, awesome.

And all of you guys are trainers or...

Yes.

Trainer.

That's great.

What's the deal with creepy ZZ Top?

I don't know. You're asking creepy ZZ Bottom.

Wait, so what do you think?

You think Felix is a real friend or a paid-for friend?

Well, I stand corrected in that I think he genuinely likes you.

See?

But if this food is indicative of the meal plan he's giving you, I can't see how you could possibly be losing weight.

I'm not losing weight.

Right.

I'm gaining, but Felix says that's because muscle weighs more than fat.

Oh, I've heard that one before.

That and, "Keep watching 'Mad Men.'

It gets less boring."

Okay, this is our marathon pitch day, all right?

Remember, we're gonna see a ton of networks today.

So we may need to do a little tailoring on the pitch depending on where we're at with it.

Billy: Sure.

Huh? Huh?

[phone chimes]

Oh, sh*t.

This is Ghostface.

This better be about that frittata recipe.

Dingy ass, I've been hounding him for about three months.

Okay, folks, my boss will be with you in just a moment.

Here are your waters.

You look familiar.

Oh, you know what it is?

I used to be VP of Development at NBC.

Yeah, you guys pitched for me on Monday.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Break a leg.

[rock music]

Okay, check it out, our show is gonna punch you, and then once you pass out we're gonna draw a d*ck on your face and take a picture.

Yeah.

It's cunty, it's bitchy, it's gossipy, cunty fun.

There's c**ts everywhere!

This is gonna be animation, but it's also gonna be live action, and then it's genre.

And here's the thing, if we don't have a joke, we're just gonna do something weird.

Yeah, or random.

Now do you guys vape or shall I bring out my clown bong?

Am I a girl? Yes.

But do I have a filthy mouth?

Why don't you ask my assh*le.

And that's our show.

Starring us.

Okay, let's sh**t a pilot.

Both: Really?

Absolutely, we here at Al Jazeera are always looking for comedy.

Both: Really?

And you two would be the perfect way to launch our rebrand.

Al Jazeera America sadly is no more, but we're relaunching as Al Jazeera Xtreme.

It's "Xtreme" with an X.

We mean it in a Mountain Dew way.

Don't worry.

I love that.

And we love you!

Billy and Julie, you are the new face of Al Jazeera.

[laughter]

Thank you.

Gangsta!

Whoo!

We are the stars of Al Jazeera Xtreme!

Oh, my God!

My first big break, and my mother can never know.

I have one extra surprise.

I have VIP tickets for tonight's performance of "#Cats."

Oh, my God!

Ahh! Oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

Hey, look, it's gonna be me, you guys, and whoever y'all want to bring.

I'll bring Felix, my trainer.

Felix, your friend.

Oh, this is the best.

I can't wait to rub it in the face of my scammer.

Listen, Jules, I've had beef with a lot of people over the years.

But Shonda Rhimes helped me realize something.

One, that there are limits to what even Viola Davis can make seem plausible.

And two, the best way to say yes to yourself is to forgive your enemies.

That's really good advice.

I needed to hear that.

Yeah, that's what friends are for.

I'm gonna text him right now.

"Hey, James.

"I forgive you.

"Everything worked out, and I'm gonna see '#Cats' tonight."

And don't that sh*t feel good?

[upbeat music]

Here, I made some caramel corn for the show.

Oh.

You see, dressing on the side, everything worked out.

I know, right?

Oh, f*ck! It's my Craigslist scammer.

I never should have sent that last text.

Oh, forgiveness is such a rookie mistake.

Do me a favor, okay? Get my mom out of this.

She can't know the sister cancer thing.

On it.

So excited for this.

Who's that guy?

He is some crazy fan of Julie's recaps.

So he's gay? Pity.

I was hoping he was someone viable.

Always good to see you too, Marilyn.

Hello, Arthur. Where's my date?

Julie, I should never have scammed you.

Hey, don't worry about it. Who loves you, baby?

Telly Savalas. Good-bye forever.

No, let me just...

Let me make her dream night come true.

I got the violins, the limo, everything.

You know what, you can't. It's fine.

Why?

Because my sister just d*ed.

Oh, f*ck.

Your sister d*ed?

From cancer.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. But you know what?

She wouldn't have wanted us to be sad.

That wasn't like her.

She would have wanted tonight to be about celebration and friendship and "#Cats."

God damn right, Jules!

Let's go enjoy "#Cats."

In her honor.

In her honor.

Let's do this.

Let's do it.

♪ ♪

Was that Method Man?

Thanks for bringing me to the show tonight, Julie.

You know what?

I get why you stand me up sometimes, because having a gay best friend really is so special.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

Ah, here come the kitties.

Oh!

Chad-Chad-Chad!

[muffled shouting]

Chad, stop that!

You're gay.

I'm bi.

Oh, my God.

Get off her... hey, okay.

[overlapping shouting]

Hey, hey, hey, get off of her!

Hey, get off of her!

Okay, f*ck this noise.

All right, I don't want to be in the friend zone, and I'm not gonna sit through some bullshit musical if it's not gonna get me any p*ssy later.

Oh, you're a monster.

Give her a break assh*le.

Her daughter just d*ed of cancer.

Excuse me?

Ra-roh.

What's going on here?

And don't lie to me, little white lady.

I made up a lie about having a sister with cancer who d*ed to make my Craigslist scammer feel bad.

That takes the cake, Julie.

I don't work with liars.

You two can kiss your Al Jazeera show good-bye.

Get the f*ck out of VIP.

Method Man.

Al Jazeera?

Get the f*ck out of my section.

My God.

Can we just stay for act one?

Billy: Let's go.

Method Man: Security!

Have you been radicalized?

We're leaving.

What is going on?

[overlapping talking]

Move, move, move, move, move!

Hands up!

You are surrounded. Do not flee.

Hold your fire.

James and I are cool now.

Guys, let me handle this.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Detective, there's been a misunder...

What? What's happening?

Julie: Ohh!

Billy: What's happening?

Cannibal apprehended!

What?

Why are you arresting my trainer?

He's a cannibal, son.

What?

He eats human flesh.

I know what a cannibal is.

We brought down a ring of them in Sunset Park, pretending to be trainers.

It's not fair.

I fattened you. I can find you.

Don't keep me from my veal!

Look at him. He's perfect.

He's so tall and fat. You never find that!

It's perfect to cook!

It'll fall right off the bone after four hours at 375.

Detective: Get him out of here!

Felix: With carrots and potatoes!

I'm fat?

[mouthing words]

Well, I guess the lesson is you can't be friends with people you pay.

Yeah, also I was almost eaten.

No wonder I never saw a lemon zester like that.

Bastard.

I don't know what traumatized me more.

Cannibalism, bisexuality, Al Jazeera.

[sighs]

I feel like I could use a good shrink.

It's a good thing I'm me.

And now that I think of it, that Pilates bar that he was rotating me on was probably a spit roast.

Okay, folks, my name is Kevin, and I'll be...

Wait a second, I know the two of you.

You're my friends.

Oh, no, we're not your friends, and we don't need to know your name.

Kevin, let me ask you a question.

How's the veal?

Man: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪