02x06 - Signed, Sealed, Delivered: One in a Million

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Hey! Hold on!

Whoa. Just in time, huh?

Just in time.

Wait!

I'm sorry, I'm just...

You know that feeling when you're about to drop a letter in the box, and then you freeze, and then that weird voice in your head yells "wait!"

But what am I waiting for?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not a kid anymore, right?

And I can't wait forever.

Neither can I.

Sorry.

I just don't write a lot of letters.

See, it's like ripping off a bandage, you just gotta do it fast and scream, right?

Don't scream.

[Light chuckle]

Okay.

What good is a letter if you don't mail it?

Okay.

Here goes!

Okay. Bye.

♪ ♪

Server, Graham: Are not.

Server, Nikki: Are too.

Are not.

Wanna bet? Just look at them.

They dance like they know the steps, but they can't find their rhythm.

Maybe they know the steps but they've lost their rhythm?

Sometimes things change, I guess.

But that won't happen with us.

"Nikki and Graham forever," right?

[Chuckles as cell phone rings]

Ah, I gotta get this.

I'll do the appetizers.

Thanks.

Love you.

[Phone beeps on]

Hey.

No. Not yet.

I need to figure out the best way to do this.

I know. I know.

But I've got this handled. Just trust me.

I love you, too.

[Beeps phone off]

♪ ♪

[Sobbing]

[Television program plays faintly]

Now, here we go!

No...

No. No.

Ahh!

♪ Oh, yeah, baby ♪
♪ Like a fool I went and stayed too long ♪
♪ Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am signed, sealed, delivered ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ Then that time I went and said goodbye ♪
♪ Now I'm back and not ashamed to cry ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
♪ Ahh! ♪
♪ Here I am ♪

Good morning, everyone.

Norman, Rita, sha...

Ms. Mcinerney.

Happy Monday, Oliver.

Oliver: Anything pressing?

Uh, no. Just the usual.

Except for this.

Oh...

[Sniffing]

Hmm.

Pine tar...

And evergreen.

The Florida Yew, I believe?

Oh! The Florida Yew only grows in northern Florida, on the eastern side of the Apalachicola River.

Sadly, we will never know that story.

Norman, will you dispatch to the Miami branch?

You got it.

Oh! I might stop by passports.

Eleanor got a new blender and she's making smoothies.

Does anybody want one?

Ooh. Yes, please.

I'm in.

I'm a yoo-hoo man, usually, but I might try branching out.

Norman: Oh...

'Kay.

Perhaps we should use this time to, um, get a jump on our "impossibly ripped and m*nled" box.

♪ ♪

We usually do those at the end of the month.

Unless you want to branch out with that, too?

Announcement blares: Oliver O'Toole, please report immediately to the office of postal security. O'Toole to O.P.S.

O.P.S, what's all about?

We shall see.

So, what happened with your date Saturday night?

Did you wear the pink dress?

Yes.

And? What happened at the end? Did he kiss you?

Well...

Well, something happened, 'cause he is drinking smoothies, and he almost called you Shane.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did. He said, ahem...

(As Oliver): "Good morning, uh, sh...

Ms. Mcinerney."

There was no "sh..."

I didn't hear a "sh."

Announcement: Shane Mcinerney to the front desk. Shane Mcinerney.

What is going on today?

Shane!

Do I...?

It's Nikki. Your server from Saturday night.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

That's right. A duck.

And a can of beans!

Beans.

Never seen anything like it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. He just arrived.

Got it.

[Hangs up]

O'Toole.

Mr. Kimsicle.

Glad to have you aboard.

We need a man who knows the ropes...

The sails, the lay of the land, the whole enchilada, from stem to stern.

Could you... Elaborate?

Now, that is what I mean.

We need a smart guy around here who knows about elaborating.

Oh.

Four days ago, an unidentified perpetrator removed the mail from this mailbox and replaced it with a duck.

Uh, I believe that may be a goose.

You're thinking already.

I like that.

[Sniffs] Three days ago, the mail was taken from here and replaced with two tiny people in a tent.

So, a wedding cake topper, a goose, and may I assume a third mailbox yielded a can of kidney beans?

Ah, yes, you may.

And you may also assume that you and that weird little task force of yours are going to find this guy.

I'm not quite sure this falls under the aegis of the dead letter office.

Perhaps the police or F.B.I...

O'Toole!

If word gets out before we know what we're dealing with, we could have rampant hysteria running all over the place.

We need to keep this in-house as long as we can.

Has anyone dusted the beans for fingerprints?

That little guy in your office, with the suitcase, doesn't he usually do that?

Yes, but...

And the other two, the skinny one and that "Shane" gal.

Ms. Mcinerney.

Oh, she is a live-wire.

Nothin' gets past her, huh?

Not that I'm aware of.

So there are no other leads?

Oh, just one.

Yeah, this was found Saturday in box 458.

It's some kind of fancy language, like Greek or Peruvian.

It's Latin.

Or Latin.

I'm guessing that is a clue of massive proportions.

Yes.

Yes, it's definitely a clue.

[Chuckles]

I love this guy!

One more day.

If I had just waited one more day and thought it through, but no, I had to send it.

I had to say it...

"Let's get married."

Then I give it to the mailman and, for a few hours, I actually feel, you know... hope.

Until...

Oh, god, if he gets it now, I'll be utterly humiliated, or worse... Mortified.

Or...

What's worse... Mortified or pitied?

Nikki, getting a letter back once it's mailed is almost impossible.

Then that's it.

Listen.

Fill this out, then have them come get me.

I'll walk this onto the floor and I'll look for it myself.

Hey! Everything okay?

Yeah. Strange, though.

It was our waitress from Montaldo's.

She needed a form 10-67e.

So tell me about that dinner!

Well, let's see.

Start from the beginning.

He was really nervous at first.

And then we started dancing and things got better, until...

Until...?

Until we stopped dancing.

[Romantic instrumental plays as patrons quietly chat]

Oliver: "The water is wide, I cannot cross o'er, and neither have I the wings to fly..."

"Give us a boat that can carry two and both shall row to yonder side."

I've never heard "to yonder side."

Isn't it "and both shall row, my love and I"?

It's, uh, an archaic tune.

Traditional lyrics often evolve over time.

I just chose an alternate translation.

Huh.

[Diners applauding as song ends]

Shall we?

Thank you.

I see you're enjoying the champagne?

Oh, yes, it's amazing.

The service here is excellent.

You haven't seen anything yet. Just wait for the show.

By the way, do either of you have any food sensitivities?

No, we don't.

Good.

We have an Amuse Bouche for you this evening...

A shrimp-and-sashimi crouton, compliments of the chef.

"Amuse Bouche."

A millennial phenomenon.

[Chuckling]

A what?

Oh, he just means that people weren't having their...

"Bouches" amused back in the 20th century.

[Both chuckling]

I knew it.

I'm sorry?

My boyfriend works here, too, and he was sure you guys were on your first date, but I said no way.

I mean, with the champagne, the way you dance, and talk about each other, the way you even know each other's allergies, it's got to be your anniversary, right?

No, actually, we're just friends.

Uh, of course, "just" is a rather imprecise qualifier.

Perhaps a more accurate...

Did you say something about a show?

Ah, right! What's Montaldo's without the singing waiters?

Any requests?

Yes, uh... How soon can you start singing?

Oh, what do know? That's our cue!

[Crunching loudly]

He really said that? "Just friends"?

Yep! Rolled right off his tongue, like he was asking for more butter.

Ouch.

Oh, it gets worse.

You know, uh, ahem, I actually do have an allergy...

A slight sensitivity to Rosehip tea, but I don't expect you to know that.

I'll keep that in mind.

No Rosehips.

It's always good to learn something new about a friend.

Speaking of roses, did you ever plant that cutting from your mother's rosebush?

Oh, you mean the one that you so thoughtfully gave me when we all went back east?

Yes.

It never really took.

I think it d*ed.

Oh, that's a shame.

I know. I know. I...

I tried everything to keep it alive.

I watered it, I fed it, I talked to it.

Sharply: I fertilized it.

Oh.

You know they say the best fertilizer...

What?

Uh, some botanists have noted that roses tend to thrive when located near the final resting place of a family pet... [Trails off]

You think I should plant a dead animal under my rosebush?

Well, only if you had one.

[Astonished chuckle]

A pet sounds pretty good right now.

[Piano music rises]

Host: Ladies and gentlemen, Montaldo's supper club proudly presents an evening of music with your talented servers. Opening our show, please welcome Nikki and Graham.

[Single note strikes]

[Audience laughs]

♪ You're so good ♪
♪ You're too good for me, you are ♪
♪ You're the best darned person ♪
♪ I have known by far ♪
♪ If I could ♪
♪ You know I'd never throw this curve ♪
♪ You're a goddess ♪
♪ And I'm not what you deserve ♪
♪ What I am saying ♪
♪ Is our thing must end ♪
♪ And though it must ♪
♪ I want to be your friend ♪

[Audience laughing]

Nikki, pointedly: "Friend." Friend!

♪ You want to be my friend? ♪
♪ Sure ♪
♪ You want to be my friend? ♪
♪ Oh, that's nice! ♪
♪ You want to be my friend? ♪
♪ I want a father for my unborn children ♪
♪ Someone who's in tune ♪
♪ And since I'll be 29 next month ♪
♪ I want him rather soon ♪
♪ I want someone to buy rugs and lamps with ♪
♪ And someone who'll co-sign... ♪

Wow! The whole song was like that?

Yep. Friends, commitment, desperation, infertility...

It was like group therapy with seafood.

Ohh...

It took a little time.

Eleanor's blender got stuck on "frappe," and I picked up your mail for you from the p.O. Box.

Oh, you are so sweet.

"$50 a month can save the Bouvet Island burrowing yellowtail owl"?

$50. Wow.

Oh, it's a very worthy cause.

Hey. Uh, strawberry, mango, and blueberry?

[Yoo-hoo lid pops]

♪ ♪

Shane: Oliver...

What's going on?

We have been charged with the grim task of investigating the systematic and, frankly, bizarre plundering of the United States mail from official receptacles in south Denver.

Wow.

Who would do something like that?

It does happen, I'm afraid.

Not like this.

This time it's personal.

It's one of our own.

"Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit" has been engraved on every "dark of night" award for over a hundred years... Yours, mine, my grandfather's.

Rita: What does it mean?

Oliver: Well, it's from Virgil's epic poem of love and w*r.

They are words of encouragement to a shipwrecked army.

What does being shipwrecked have to do with the post office?

Ah. Courage and perseverance, Norman.

Hallmarks of every postal worker who's performed his or her duty in the face of great odds and received one of these.

"Perhaps one day it will be good to remember this."

Shane: Remember what?

Beans, wedding cakes, and a... duck?

It's a goose.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Well, all we need is a partial print, and that might be enough to run through a database.

Too bad we don't have one.

Ms. Mcinerney?

Well, it's not impossible to break into the FBI fingerprint system, but it could take some time...

Like 30 years to life.

Are you sure we can't just call the police?

Well, Lester was adamant.

He isn't easy to say no to.

Nothing.

This has been wiped clean.

This guy knows what he's doing.

We need someone from law enforcement who can give us a psychological profile of the sort of person we're dealing with here.

We need, uh, well, we need...

A "friend"? Like Dale?

Yes.

Oh, who's he?

Dale is a she.

Dale sings in a choir at Oliver's church.

Dale is lovely.

Wait. You went to Oliver's church?

Mm-hmm. Just to drop something off.

He introduced me.

She's a soprano.

And a police officer.

Well, to be accurate, she was a police officer.

She's now a special agent for the state division of investigations.

Well, she sounds perfect.

Yes, she does.

Rita...

Could you pack up the beans and the cake topper, and that piece of paper?

And Ms. Mcinerney, bring your computer and the map of violated mailboxes.

It's not much to go on, but...

Oh, my gosh.

Oliver?

I think we have a witness.

♪ ♪

And you're certain you saw him take the mail from that box?

Positive!

He locked up and started walking away, and that's when I caught up with him.

Would you be able to recognize him?

Probably. He seemed sort of... sad.

What's this about?

Well, the good news is, the mail you're trying to retrieve has not yet been delivered, because it's not yet entered the system.

The unfortunate news is we believe that mail has been involved in a series of unauthorized transfers.

What?

Somebody stole a bunch of mail.

Well, you've gotta get mine back!

We are making every eff...

I have to get it back. It's really important.

That man has stolen hundreds, if not thousands of letters.

I assure you that every one of them matters to someone.

They all matter to us.

Nikki, think of it like this, if the letter's really lost, then at least Graham won't read it now, right?

But what if the mail guy does?

[Nikki sighs]

I should never have mailed that letter.

And I wouldn't have, if it weren't for him!

What do you mean?

Oh, he said something about "what good is a letter if you never mail it?"

Shane: He's got a point.

Look, you were in love and you took a risk to say so.

You put yourself out there.

But now the letter is out there...

I have to get it back.

I have to!

Well, seeing as you've completed form 67E, as soon as the mail is recovered, we will be certain to return it to you.

In the meantime, I'd like you to go with Norman to assist in creating a sketch of our suspect.

Sure.

Do you like smoothies?

I think there's something she's not telling us.

So do I.

Hi, Rita!

Oh...

This is Nikki.

Oh! Hello!

Hi.

That letter she wants back, she thinks she may have given it to our perp.

[Gasps] Whoa. You met the perp?

He didn't seem like a perp.

But then again, you never really know somebody, do you?

I really know Rita.

♪ ♪

Oh. I... I really love your blouse.

It's a beautiful color.

Thank you.

I never used to wear blue, but I started to because...

Blue is my boyfriend's favorite color.

Oh...

My ex-boyfriend.

Oh...

[Sobs]

Smoothie?

Strawberry, mango, blue...

Shh!

Uh ...Berry?

Shane: Wow. Kidnapping, extortion, counterfeiting...

Oh, when you said she was a police officer, I was thinking parking tickets.

[Awkward chuckle]

Dessert the other night was out of this world.

You should have tried it.

Yes. It looked quite appetizing.

Trust me. It was incredible.

Maybe next time if we... Uh...

Oh, look!

Doesn't that woman look a little like Eleanor in passports?

[Jazzy band music rises]

♪ ♪

Both: Ooh!

♪ ♪

[All applauding]

That was Michael and Sophia, ladies and gentlemen. They'll be back later.

My goodness!

That was vigorous.

I thought they were great.

I always enjoy a spirited performance, but I guess I thought the atmosphere here would be a bit more, uh, intimate.

Well, the last time I was here...

Oh, you've been here?

Well, uh... ahem.

I think there was a Sunday brunch I may have attended.

Or maybe it was a late late-afternoon tea-slash-dinner.

Oh.

Yeah, the chief of postal security, that man Lester in internal affairs, he asked me out.

You came here with Lester Kimsicle?

He wanted to get to know me better...

For security reasons, he said.

Oh, you were on official business?

Right.

[Relieved sigh]

And, in the interest of full disclosure, I was here once with Steve.

Steve?

Your old flame from Washington?

He was here?

This is where we officially broke up.

[Awkward chuckle]

Right there.

That table with the lady and the lobster.

I see.

It was when I first moved to Denver, and he had flown in to change my mind, but by then, I had met you... guys, and...

I told him it was over and he should go back to D.C.

I'm sorry I...

Chose a place fraught with so many memories for our first...

Uh...

Our first...

Our first...?

I wonder where the gentlemen's convenience might be.

Oh, it's right over there.

Probably.

Nikki: ♪ the man leaves ♪

Thank you.

♪ And I'm on my own ♪
♪ I just sit and simply watch the door ♪
♪ And tell myself... ♪

Was it, uh, custard, curd, or meringue?

I'm sorry?

The dessert.

See, I prefer a filling with custard or a good curd.

Meringue always seems a waste of a good egg.

It was a custard with a curd glaze.

Ah.

Oliver!

Hello!

Hi!

You remember Shane.

Yes, of course! Come on in.

Please.

Thank you.

Dale: Well, he's educated.

You don't get a lot of ransom notes in Latin.

But you don't want to make a formal report?

Well, for now, I was hoping we might have a rhetorical conversation about the sort of person who might do this.

Okay, well, from what I can tell, this rhetorical person probably works for the post office.

Oliver figured that out right away, and we have a description from someone who handed our suspect the letter on Saturday night.

Male, gray hair, probably over 60 years old, and he said something to our witness like, uh, "what good is a letter if you don't mail it?"

[Chuckles]

Well, that sounds like a philosopher who's tired of dreaming.

He wants something, he knows you want the mail back, so he's keeping it hostage.

You think he might be dangerous?

It's possible.

Oh, dear.

So we're looking for postal carriers that are over 60 and depressed?

[Chuckles] Well, that should narrow it down.

You've got a little more to go on than that.

You have a cake-topper, some beans, and...

What is this? A goose?

Yes.

Hmm. Remember, this isn't about the mail.

He's playing a game.

He's not just sending this to anybody at the post office.

He wants somebody in particular to figure this out, and he wants to prove that he's just as smart as they are.

So, he knows them?

Oh, yes. And he hates them.

So, if we don't figure out the game, he's just gonna keep stealing mail and leaving weird stuff behind?

I don't think so.

You see, the Latin quotation is different from the other clues.

This literally says "remember this," but...

But...

There's an alternate translation.

Yes!

"Perhaps someday it will be good to remember these things."

These things!

Right.

Does the post office keep a record of the people that have won the dark of night award?

I ran a search of the list on the way over here, and I filtered for ducks, geese, cake decorations, kidney beans, beans, you name it, and all I got was a hundred years of recipients and dates.

Oh, and a very nice article about us here, Oliver, when we got ours.

Oh.

You never mentioned that.

Oh, well, it was a bit of a miracle, frankly.

[Oliver and Dale chuckle]

Oliver...

What did your grandfather receive his dark of night award for?

He gave up Christmas Eve with his family to stay in the terminal annex to help a damaged shipment of...

Of goose eggs hatch overnight!

And the kidney beans?

Why kidney beans, why not pinto or Lima?

Because you and I and Norman and Rita helped a girl who needed...

Overlapping: ...A kidney transplant!

Oliver, what did your father get his for?

Oh, he never received one.

Well, yes, he did.

I mean, it's right here...

"Joseph Henry O'Toole". That's him, right?

Yes, but...

That's it. He's targeting O'tooles.

I need to find my father.

♪ ♪

[Slurping]

I think his eyes were further apart.

Okay.

What about the sh...

[Slurping]

♪ ♪

That's her fourth blueberry smoothie.

I thought blue made her sad.

Rita: Yeah, well...

That's what we do when we're grieving a relationship, Norman.

We reread all the old love letters, we revisit all the old places.

We see something like the color blue or we hear a certain song and...

We cry.

"We"?

Did you break up with somebody before me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Bob.

You dated a guy named Bob?

Uh...

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

'Cause I'm telling you now! [Chuckles]

I dated a guy named Bob.

Uh, he used to work at the zoo, and then he got a job offer at the Bouvet Island animal reserve, and he said that Antarctica wasn't a place for a girl like me, and... and that we should break up, yeah.

Oh, so, you went out, uh, a couple of times?

Well, he liked to talk.

Uh, he had a lot to say.

[Chuckling]

Well, how long did he talk for?

A month? A year?

Norman...

Forget it.

He's old news anyways, right?

Yeah.

Pretty much.

He's the guy that I send money to every month, to help save the Bouvet Island Burrowing Yellowtail Owl.

You send your old boyfriend $50 a month?

I don't look at it like that anymore, but he's doing good work, and you know how I feel about owls.

Yes, but...

Nikki?

Did you need another smoothie?

[Thud]

There aren't enough smoothies in the world.

Here.

Would you like to talk about it?

We were closing up and he said he wanted to talk.

Are you okay?

Nikki, I, uh...

What is it?

You are the best friend I've ever had.

And when we sing together, it's like we were born to be a team.

I know.

Now we've been dating for, I don't know...

A year next Tuesday. But?

There's a "but" coming, I can feel it.

It's just that...

[Sighs]

Things have changed.

Oh, god.

You're gonna break my heart, aren't you?

Let me explain.

I couldn't stand there and listen to another guy tell me "it's all moving too fast," or he's met somebody else...

Or he needs to be free.

So I ran away.

And he didn't even follow me. So I just kept going.

[Sighing heavily]

We're supposed to follow?

Yes!

Like in the movies.

I've been watching the wrong movies.

[Door opens] Yeah.

Shane: We're back!

Hi!

How did it go with your friend?

It was very enlightening.

Yes, it was.

Norman, how goes the sketch?

Oh! Well...

It's taking longer than I thought.

Whatever you do, don't mention the color blue.

Uh, Miss Bergens.

Uh, I hear you're dealing with a broken heart today.

Sorry that you're hurting.

I do know how that feels.

However...

[Phone rings]

Oliver O'Toole.

It's him!

[Gasping collectively]

You figured it out yet, Sonny?

Sir, whoever you are, you are in violation of...

You'd better get on the ball and wise up, junior, or you're never gonna see that mail again!

Now, see here. You...

No, you see! If you can. I'll be waiting for you. [Click]

Hello?

I didn't hear it all.

He called him "junior".

[Rita gasps]

He said that if we didn't keep up with him, we'd never see the mail again.

No! You can't let him have those letters!

You've got to get mine back.

You have to.

Miss Bergens, I understand the personal nature of your letter, but it's unlikely that he's read every letter he's purloined.

Fact is, he's much more likely to destroy them, I'm afraid.

It's not just what I said, it's what's in it.

What's in the letter?

$50,000.

Oliver: Forgive me.

You said the card you mailed to your boyfriend contained $50,000?

Oh, ex-boyfriend.

But I mailed it six hours before he turned into my ex.

Well, it's a nice way to say goodbye.

Can't you just stop payment on the check?

It's not a check.

Our one-year anniversary was coming up and he loves getting mail, so I made him a card and I wrote, "when I met you, it was like winning the lottery."

And on the inside I put...

Uh-oh.

Yeah. A lottery ticket.

Then we broke up, and I was walking home and...

You know the weatherman who does the lottery numbers?

Ramon Rodriguez!

We know Ramon.

Ramon: That's right, Sarah, there may be rain, but it could still be a beautiful day for one lucky megapower sweepstakes player!

Three.

Seven.

12.

15...

(Shrieking): Ahh!

♪ ♪

The numbers on the ticket were the day, year, and time we met.

It won five out of six.

And now it's worth $50,000.

My goodness.

I wore blue for him.

I learned to cook trout for him.

He really likes trout.

Oh.

We were both saving up to move to New York to audition for clubs and cabarets together.

We had all these plans and I thought maybe this time I'd found somebody different.

But he's just like all the rest, except...

If he gets that letter now, he'll be rich, too.

And he'll go to New York and I'll just be here...

Cooking trout.

One must never regret an act of love, Miss Bergens.

Never.

Norman, Rita, will you please complete the sketch with Miss Bergens?

If I'm needed, I'll be in the mailbox grille. Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Oh!

[Shane sighs]

His nose was kind of big and pointy.

Okay.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Uh, you can put that over there in the "out" box.

♪ ♪

To "Bob."

♪ ♪

Hey.

Dad.

You look good.

Oh. Thanks. Please.

Been a while.

Yes, well, I called.

You've been busy.

Yeah, I've taken up hiking again.

Live in Colorado, you gotta get out there and hike, right?

You do?

Well, I do.

You should come some time.

Oh. I have a great love of nature.

I wouldn't mind expanding it to the...

Outdoors.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

In the meantime, sounds like you've got a problem.

Yes. Someone's been stealing mail from the boxes in the Bonnie brae area, I was hoping you might help us out.

Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure they've ever forgiven me over there for defecting to Fedex.

I'm not even sure you have.

Oh, of course, I have. You had your reasons.

Someday, you'll tell me what they were.

Maybe on a hike.

Perhaps you might tell me about that dark of night award you won, too.

Ah.

Well, it was a while ago.

I can't believe I never knew about that.

I didn't spread it around, and it happened after you left home.

Ah.

It was nothing like what you guys did.

I just delivered a misrouted wedding dress in time for a wedding.

A wedding?

Oliver!

It's finished.

Uh, Nikki says it's really close, but we can bring her back in if we need to.

Do you know who this could be?

Yeah. I do.

Who?

Dudley Curly.

He resembles the sketch we had made with the help of a witness, and he matches the profile.

Good work.

So, it's Dudley, huh?

Yes.

Never heard of him.

He was a mail carrier for the postal service for 45 years.

And it's probably no coincidence that he retires today.

This isn't like taking home paper clips and staplers from the office.

This is the U.S. mail, darn it!

I want this man fired.

He's retiring.

What's this got to do with you, anyway?

Didn't you muster out and sign up for the enemy?

I asked my father to help us because every clue the suspect left so far has something to do with us...

My grandfather, my father, and I all won dark of night awards.

I knew Curly.

We were friends once.

Thought it was Dudley.

We called him Curly. He doesn't like Dudley.

Neither do I.

Go on.

Curly and I, uh, hung out and watched the big game on Sundays, we were in the bowling league, and then I won that award and got a nice promotion and he just stopped coming around.

What does he want?

We don't know.

He says he's going to hold the mail ransom until we meet his demands...

That have not yet been set forth.

I'm thinking maybe I should just go over there and talk...

Forget it, O'Toole!

You don't quit the postal service then waltz back in here just because we need you.

Are we clear?

Crystal.

Security!

We are moving out!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Disperse! Deploy!

Lock that down!

What on earth...?

Set up a perimeter and...

Shane.

Good to have you on board.

Fedex! Stay in the truck.

This is government business.

Right.

[Radio crackles]

Heads up, men!

Keep your nose to the grindstone.

[Radios crackling]

Here we come, Dudley.

[Megaphone squeals] Curly Dudley! This is Lester Kimsicle, chief of postal security. We have your house surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

Uh, Mr. Kimsicle, uh, we believe...

Stand down, O'Toole.

You're in my wheelhouse now.

Curly Dudley!

Can... you... hear me?

It's "Dudley Curly".

Curly Dudley, Dudley Curly, I'm gonna call ya "dud," okay?

No! It's not okay.

[Megaphone squeals]

We're gonna need some proof of life here.

Dudley: What?

Proof of life.

Well, I'm talking to you, aren't I?

Ya moron.

Well, we know you're alive.

We need to know the mail's okay.

Just show us you got it.

[Slam]

[Radios crackling]

Stealing the mail is a federal offense!

Yeah, well, I'm still employed until 5:00!

Hold on a minute.

What's he talking about?

Uh, technically, the mail is still in the possession of an authorized postal carrier.

Unauthorized removal is, um, a violation of...

Norman?

Employee regulation 67K.

Oliver: But it is not a crime.

Well, at least, not until 5:00, when he officially retires.

[Grumbling sigh] Fine.

[Click]

We'll wait until 5:00, and then we're coming in!

Dudley: I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

I get what I want or else.

Or else, what?

Dud! Or else what?

Oliver. Look.

♪ ♪

Rita: Oh, no! He's started a fire.

Uh, dud?

Now's not the time to have a weenie-roast.

I don't think he's making lunch, Mr. Kimsicle.

He's going to burn them all.

♪ ♪

He says he'll burn the letters if he doesn't get what he wants, but what is that?

He got what he wanted... Attention.

Now he doesn't know what to do with it.

He was always putting the cart before the horse.

He got that stick-shift before he learned to drive because...

Oh, wow.

What?

Because I had one.

What do you see, Norman?

Doesn't look like he's b*rned anything yet.

But he's thinking about it.

So what do you think?

I think Lester could escalate this into a disaster if we don't do something.

Ms. Mcinerney, it may be time to give her a call.

I know. I already called her.

Dale is on her way.

♪ ♪

Dale should be here in about 20 minutes.

I don't know about you, but I am getting hungry.

That's a good idea.

I bet Dudley's getting hungry, too.

Shane.

You've changed your hair.

No.

You know, after this is all over, we should...

No.

May I have that, please?

Mr. Curly!

I'm going out for sandwiches.

Can I get you anything?

Pastrami?

Turkey?

Corned beef and chicken salad on white.

My god, the man's a savage.

Do you want anything on that?

Just Mayo. Oh! And some coleslaw.

Got it.

Now, please...

Try not to burn anything until I get back, okay?

Okay.

If I give this back to you, do you promise not to use it before I get back?

Will you let me take you to dinner again?

Lester...

So far the only one here breaking a federal law is you.

Okay! Okay.

[Footsteps receding]

♪ ♪

Hey. I've got everybody's lunch order, and there's a diner around the corner.

I'll take ham on rye.

Okay. I'll get you your usual.

Uh, perhaps a cup of herbal tea.

No Rosehips.

I'll grab something for Dale, too.

Any idea what she'd like?

Uh, no.

Good.

[Radios crackling]

So...

Shane?

I'm sorry?

You and Shane.

Something happened.

I mean, you guys aren't...

I don't know.

You're not clicking, like you usually do.

Oh, well, I'd like to think we clicked a few times there.

Did you ever take her out, like I told you to?

Yes.

But not because you suggested it.

It was something I wanted to do.

We actually went to dinner at Montaldo's on Saturday.

Two days ago?

Gee, it took you long enough!

Well, I'd like to think I've learned to...

Well, not to...

Rush into things.

Of course. I get it.

So, how'd it go?

[Radios crackling]

I ordered you a double-pastrami on rye.

Thank you for telling me that, Rita.

You're welcome. Of course.

♪ ♪

You're kidding.

You actually said "we're just friends"?

Yes.

[Laughing]

Well, no wonder she mentioned all those other guys she'd been there with.

It was self-defense.

So? How did it all end?

Well, I actually left, for awhile.

I actually almost called you.

Nikki: ♪ ...Watch the door ♪
♪ And tell myself... ♪
♪ I'm fine alone ♪
♪ Oh, yes ♪
♪ I've been here before ♪

Ovilear!

Ramon!

What are you doing here?

Well, I am dining with the most remarkable woman.

A mesmerizing meteorologist.

I see that you and the lovely Shane are getting... Well, deep in conversation.

Yes, well, we are deep into something.

Ahh! I always knew you two would get together.

Oh, no, we're not dating, we're just on a d...

We're...

Ovilear!

Stop thinking.

You stare into each other's eyes, you drink champagne, you dance...

Dance is like love, my friend...

Don't look down.

Don't you mean "love is like dancing, don't look down."

Mm, yes.

But in the end, what is the difference, hmm?

Now, I must get back to work.

It's lottery night!

Now, be bold, go out, face the music.

And stop thinking.

I see you. Stop it.

Ma cherie!

Nikki: ♪ why should I rush to prove ♪
♪ That I can break my heart all over? ♪

Joe: So how did the night end?

Not well.

You know, I was never prouder of you than the day that I heard about what you did to get your dark of night award.

You actually saved someone's life.

Well, I-I had a lot of help.

"Perhaps someday it will be good to remember these things."

Smart man, Virgil.

Your grandfather was always quoting him, or Shakespeare or the Bible.

What was that one about love and power and...?

"God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind."

After what you've been through, I don't blame you for being afraid, son.

But... at your core, that's not who you are.

You don't get an award like that without love, power, and sound mind, and you don't get much else that matters in life without that, either.

I know, you've been hurt in the past.

And I'm guessing, somebody's hurt Shane, too.

But it seems to me that you've each got what it takes to try again if you'll just... try again.

There you are! Hey, you.

Hi.

Well, hello!

Hi. Special agent Dale Travers.

State division of investigations.

[Chuckling]

[Megaphone squeals]

Dud!

This is Lester Kimsicle, chief of postal security.

[Door opens] I know that!

You don't have to say it every time.

And stop calling me "dud".

Dud, there is a good-lookin' filly here from the Colorado state division of investigations of... Colorado.

If you don't give up before 5:00, she's gonna take you in, and we would hate to see that.

Then give me what I want!

I don't care what you want!

Please. We're running out of time.

[Lester sighs]

Darn it.

Okay, what do ya want? Give me some demands.

I want my lunch!

It's here. It's here.

We got your god-awful corned beef and chicken salad right here.

Well, bring it to the door, nice and slow, and I'll give you my list of demands.

And come alone!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Dale: "Find Joseph O'Toole and bring him here. And tell him to bring his dark of night award. It belongs to me."

Oliver: I don't like this.

I don't like you going in there alone, I don't like you going without your award.

It's back home, packed away in a moving box.

It's an hour there and an hour back.

There's not enough time to get it before 5:00.

I can't hold the feds once Dudley's officially retired.

I've got an idea.

But I'm gonna need your help.

Name it.

Let's go.

You sure about this?

Once upon a time, a lot of letters never made it to their destination because I didn't do my job.

I never want to feel that way again.

It's still a lot to give up.

That's what I love about you, Oliver.

Thank you.

It's time to go.

♪ ♪

[Radio crackling]

Is Norman ever going to come out of the tree?

I don't know! I think he's mad because I didn't tell him about Bob.

Bob? You didn't tell me about Bob.

Who's Bob?

Oh...

[Horn honking]

[Brakes screech]

Lester: Heads up, men!

Okay, Dudley, you got your O'Toole.

I'll take it.

I'm not letting you go in alone.

You get into any trouble, you say the magic word and we'll hear you.

What is the magic word?

I don't know. How about, uh...

"Help"?

♪ ♪

[Knocking]

It's open!

Hey, Joe.

Long time, no see.

How you doin', Curly?

I'll be doing better when I get what I want.

Toss it over and the mail's yours.

Joe: Not yet. I want to know what all this had to do with my family.

You still don't get it.

Maybe.

But I want to hear you say it.

Well, Joe, when I started at the post office, I was the youngest person ever to be nominated for one of those, and then they gave it to your dad for babysitting some ducks.

Actually, they were...

And my last chance at getting one went to you and your bunch.

Yeah, sure, you got some girl a kidney, but you've got other chances to win, and this was my last.

And what about me?

That one cut the deepest.

I was this close to the deadline for nominations.

I mean, nobody was gonna top me dropping that kid's prom dress at her high school at the last minute during the platte river flood.

I even threw in a corsage.

But my pal, Joe, delivers some gal's wedding dress.

Um, there was more to it than that.

Rita did some research. My father drove his truck

50 miles through a blizzard.

It broke down.

He walked five more miles.

Uphill. On ice.

Well, I drove through hail and sleet.

The lodge caught on fire.

My father put it out.

Well, my prom girl married the prom boy, okay?

And they had six kids.

Sir, my father...

What are we doing here?

What does it matter?

You can go ahead and keep the cup.

We don't need it to know what we did.

And neither do you!

And some day, when you look back on how you got this cup, it's gonna look pretty empty.

Come on. Come on!

This says "Oliver O'Toole."

I didn't have enough time to get my dad's.

You gave this up for your dad?

♪ ♪

[Sighing]

You know, when a man retires, he looks back across the years and he asks himself what does he got to show for his life?

I gave my heart and soul to the post office, but nobody knows my name.

Dudley, Curly... Nobody cares!

I just want to feel like I mattered in this world before it's all over.

But nobody's even gonna miss me.

[Thud]

I missed you... For 13 years.

What good...

...is a letter, if we don't mail it?

What?

Somewhere in these bags is a love letter a lady named Nikki mailed last Saturday because of these words you spoke to her, you understood that writing a letter and putting it in a mailbox is like handing your heart over to a stranger.

Just like...

Asking for love is a risk, or asking for attention or forgiveness... You have to mail the letter and risk whatever happens next, otherwise nothing happens. So whether anyone ever appreciates us or knows who we are, Mr. Curly, they will know what we stand for...

And that matters to every single person who wrote every one of these letters.

My goodness.

Sir.

There's one here for you.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

"Dear Mr. Curly..."

Well, at least somebody got it right.

"My Mommy says you're going to stop working and you aren't going to bring any mail to us anymore."

[Breath trembling]

"That is... That... that is very sad."

[Breath shaking]

"I will miss you. You bring all my birthday cards and letters from grandma."

[Page crinkles]

"And you always smile when I give you cookies. I wish we could give you a party, but our place is too small."

"But you already know that."

"Love... Betsy."

One of those... is worth one thousand of these.

I feel like a fool.

Don't bother.

We've already got one of those outside.

♪ ♪

Shane!

That letter is property of the U.S. postal service.

Oh, well, she filled out a 10-67e at the D.L.O., Lester.

Well, then she gets it from the D.L.O.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Really?

Regulations are like the lifejackets on the gangplank of life, missy.

Great work today, though.

Keep that up, I'll buy you dinner.

Oh. Please... don't.

Happy to do it.

Happy to do it.

[Forced chuckle]

[Sighs heavily]

Joe: I'll see you at the party?

Should be interesting.

[Chuckles] Curly's a good guy.

He just lost his way for a while.

Things could've turned out terribly for him if you hadn't handled it so well.

Thank you.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Dudley invited me to his retirement party.

You should come.

Maybe I will.

Are you coming to choir practice tomorrow?

I wouldn't miss it.

Good.

♪ ♪

It's blue with a big heart sticker.

Norman?

You know that "Burrowing Yellowtail Owl" that Rita sends money to?

Yeah.

Well, before I started singing, I worked at the zoo.

Wow. That is a complete career 180.

Yeah.

Well, I learned a lot.

And there's something you should know about Bob.

What do they say?

Cast your dark of night award upon the waters and it shall be returned unto you?

Look at you, quoting scripture.

[Chuckles]

I know how hard it was for you to give that up.

Well, it was easier than I thought it would be.

It's actually just a symbol, like a...

Like...

Like the rose cutting that you gave me.

You know, just because it didn't take, it doesn't diminish the thought that was behind it.

"Never regret an act of..."

Norman: Oh! Found it!

Great!

I can't believe I'm holding $50,000 in my hands.

So... why am I so sad?

Because no matter how much you've won, it can't fix what you've lost.

Uh, Saturday night at the restaurant, I was singing this love song, remember?

And I'd sung it a million times, but, for some reason, that night it felt like I was singing it just for Graham.

And then it hit me, being some Broadway star really isn't my dream.

Being with Graham...

Being together, anywhere, that's the dream.

That was the dream.

At least, it was mine.

You know, when I broke up with Bob, I was so sad.

I thought I would never find the right man for me.

(Quietly): "Bob"?

But then my mom said "Rita, don't be in such a hurry. The perfect man is out there, but he's still in the oven, baking. And if you keep running into the kitchen and opening the door, he'll never be ready."

So, I waited, and it wasn't easy, but then all of a sudden, I smelled something really good, and when I opened the door...

There was Norman.

All done!

Ding!

[Laughter]

He was worth the wait.

Nikki: I thought Graham was, too.

He seemed like such a good guy, but...

Wrong oven, I guess.

Look at it this way.

Now you can live a trout-free life and you don't have to wear blue anymore.

Good point.

Miss Bergens, there's a vast difference between choosing a good man and finding the right man.

I hope you don't give up until you find both.

Okay.

Well... Thanks for everything.

Our pleasure.

Back to work!

Right!

Or I could just quit.

Don't think about it.

Go back to work, face the music.

You'll know what to do.

Oliver: Miss Bergens, we'll see you out.

Bye.

Rita?

We have to talk.

Norman, I know what you're going to say.

I should have told you before about Bob, but I don't feel about him the way I feel about you, and I never did.

You're just going to have to trust me.

Oh, I trust you completely.

But I don't trust Bob.

I know you wanted to believe it, but...

Bouvet Island doesn't have any owls.

And there's no such thing as the Burrowing Yellowtail.

Bob scammed you.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

[Sighs]

Poor Bob.

He must have really needed the money.

You're amazing.

[Chuckles]

But I'm not giving him any more money!

Hey! Do you wanna go get dinner?

I've got an extra 50 bucks!

Yeah!

I'm starving.

♪ ♪

Nikki!

Please hold on. I need to tell you something.

I tried calling you after you ran off, but your voice-mail was full and you didn't pick up.

We don't have to pretend anymore, Graham.

We don't have to talk, we just have to sing and serve better- than-average food at inflated prices to people who think going to a romantic restaurant actually has anything to do with love.

Nikki, please, just listen to me for once.

Actually what I tried to say, but you wouldn't let me is I...

I love you.

And more than that, I am in love you, and more than that, even.

What's more than that?

I don't know, "I love you forever" love?

If there's a "but" coming, I'm gonna k*ll you.

I was going to break up, but only because I...

I have no business giving you hope that I can go with you to New York.

But you've been saving up for so long.

I was, but my mom...

My mom lost her job and fell behind on her mortgage payments.

She didn't want me to find out, but I did, and I had to help her out because she's my mom and nobody else believes in me like she does.

Except you.

Why didn't you tell me?

I couldn't let you put your dreams on hold while you waited for me.

But after you ran off, I knew I'd made a mistake.

I just don't know how to fix it.

Okay.

First of all...

I "love you forever" love you, too.

And second, I'm sorry...

Really sorry... That I ran off.

You were obviously in the oven and I didn't realize you were done...

Don't ask.

But third...

You are so stupid!

Thank you.

I mean, you're my dream, not New York!

And what makes you happy makes me happy, and I love your mom, and if we're gonna be together forever, then we can't let her lose her house, otherwise where will we go for Christmas, which brings me to... What are we on?

Four.

Fourth...

Will you marry me?

In a minute!

Good. Um...

By the way, we won the lottery.

I know, that's exactly what it feels like.

No, we won the lottery.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Don't open it.

Just kiss me.

♪ ♪

[Staff applauding]

♪ ♪

♪ My heart is on fire ♪
♪ I'm running out of time ♪
♪ Gotta find out if you're still mine ♪

[Football game plays on television]

Play any sports in high school, norm?

I was a Foster kid, so I moved around a lot.

Sports are the foundation of w*r.

Like playing checkers with real people, only you don't get hurt.

What position did you play?

I was a Foster kid. I moved around a lot.

I didn't...

Short-stop...

Good for you.

Oh, yeah, I love to dance.

It's very hard work, though.

Well, at least the way that I do it, anyways.

[Giggles]

How about you?

Oh, I haven't danced in years.

Shane and Oliver took dance lessons once.

Where is Shane?

I don't know.

[Speaking quietly]

I've heard of cop bars and I've heard of sports bars, but I've never heard of...

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

Well, everyone needs a place to...

Oliver.

Have some cake.

Oh, thank you.

Shane had it special-ordered.

From Montaldo's.

Oh.

Dale, could you help me mix some more punch?

Sure.

Later?

Yes.

♪ ♪

♪ Kisses... ♪
♪ Are so delicious ♪
♪ Distract me all my wishes ♪
♪ And make this day in my heart... ♪

Nikki: ♪ ...Before ♪♪

[Diners applauding]

I, uh, took the Liberty of ordering dessert.

Oh, thank you.

Was that Ramon that I saw leaving?

Yes.

He sends his regards.

[Chuckles]

That guy always shows up at the weirdest times.

You think this is weird?

Are you going to try your dessert?

Um, I'm not quite ready yet.

Ahem.

Forgive me.

Uh, it gets a bit hot in here.

But, um, I suppose you know that, being so familiar with the place.

Oliver, Lester is an idiot.

And Steve...

I have been over him for a very long time.

You owe me no explanations, Ms. Mcinerney.

Because you and I are just... friends?

That was an unfortunate turn of phrase, I'm afraid.

So... [sighs]

So what was tonight?

Was it a date?

Or was it just our "long-promised dinner"?

I don't know.

It was supposed to be a quiet dinner with good company and good conversation, and I did want it to be someplace special...

And I wanted to dance.

Oliver, I never danced with any of the others here.

I only...

I only dance with you.

We could use more practice.

I-I know.

If we we're gonna get any good at it.

I imagine we could be very good.

I imagine we would be.

If we practiced every week.

Every week?

Oh, I only meant if you were serious...

I-I mean...

Right.

[Piano begins to play]

Right.

Host: And now, returning to the stage with a very special goodnight from Montaldo's... Please welcome Michael and Sophia.

♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ Time and again ♪
♪ I would try to say ♪
♪ All I'd want you to know ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ Words wouldn't come in an easy way ♪
♪ Round in circles I'd go ♪
♪ Longing to tell you but afraid and shy ♪
♪ I'd let my golden chances ♪
♪ Pass me by ♪
♪ Soon you'd leave me ♪
♪ Off you would go ♪
♪ In the mist of day ♪
♪ Never, never to know ♪
♪ How I loved you ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Soon you'd leave me ♪
♪ Off you would go ♪
♪ In the mist of day ♪
♪ Never, never to know ♪
♪ How I loved you ♪

[Silence falls]

♪ If ♪
♪ I loved you ♪♪

[Diners applauding]

[Pop dance music plays]

Oliver, are we dancing?

No, Ms. Mcinerney. We are not.

Okay.

Oliver: I need to ask you something.

I liked that dessert.

It was very good.

I'm glad to hear it.

It's hard to find a good curd these days.

Yes. Times have changed.

And I'm very old-fashioned, you know.

I'm aware of that.

And when life becomes complicated, one finds oneself falling back upon the traditional and familiar.

One takes one's time to avoid the risk of precipitousness.

Does one get to the question?

And yet...

What good is a letter if one never mails it?

Is that the question?

No. Why did you order lemon cake for the party today?

Um...

I thought you should have a second chance to try it.

And you couldn't wait until the next time we went to Montaldo's?

Or did you assume there would be no "next time"?

Well, I...

Well...

It may surprise you, but I believe in second chances, too.

Okay.

Shall I should put it on the calendar, then, for sometime this year?

Yes. How does next Saturday sound?

Great.

It's a date.

I mean, it's a...

It is a date.

Speaking of second chances...

Mm-hmm?

How do you like my hair?

What?

Do you like my hair?

It's fine. Uh, it's, uh, very...

I like the flower.

Good.

Ahem.

It's the first rose of summer.

No!

It took after all.

And no animals were harmed in the blooming of this rose.

[Laughing]

And... and you'd given up.

I know.

Oh, me of little Faith.

All it takes is a little.

Come on!

♪ ♪

♪ It's all good ♪
♪ It gets even better ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ There's always sunny weather ♪
♪ It's a perfect day ♪
♪ Ain't nothing wrong 'cause everything's all right ♪
♪ It's all good when we get together ♪
♪ Well, now it gets better ♪
♪ When you got what matters ♪
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ It gets even better ♪
♪ Doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ It's all good ♪