I talked to Amanda on five different social platforms. I messaged WhatsApp, Facebook, Snapchat, GChat, not to mention that one time on LinkedIn when I endorsed her bartending skills... which was, in reality, a complete lie, because she's a terrible mixologist.
We text late into the night about music, art, culture, cuisine... my emotions on a roller coaster ride with every buzz of my phone. Three months of this, and for the life of me, I can't get her to commit to a date.
Seriously? Was anyone listening?
Just do us all a favor, and k*ll yourself.
That line should be "m*rder yourself."
Just do ourselves a favor, and m*rder yourself.
Sorry, Jack, I'm doing like ten other things around here.
Andrea, your mother on my call.
She says she's concerned about the rash on Robbie's inner thigh.
Your mother's gonna get me fired.
To be fair, it's a pretty legit rash.
Hey, guys, can we top messing around here? This is pretty serious.
Really good, Veronica.
See, it's all about being truthful.
Oh, my God.
This chick is terrible.
You guys hear that?
Sorry. So anyway.
Back to Amanda.
You may want to ease up on those texts, Jack.
She's already been written up twice.
Jack, you need to turn this online exchange of ones and zeros into an off-line exchange of bodily fluids.
Okay, the thing is,
Every time I bring up actually doing something in real life, she's always like, "Sure, sounds good. Text me when you're there. Uh-oh, something came up."
She's just super flaky.
It's easy to be flaky when you can hide behind a screen.
For example, my old college roommate has been messaging me on Facebook all day.
Rather than telling her I'm busy like a decent human being, I just ignore her.
I need some of Andrea's avocado body butter.
Wait, hold up.
Have you actually straight up asked this girl out on a date?
Like, with a specific location and time?
Um, isn't that kind of forward?
Ask her to go glow in the dark bowling.
It's a very popular first date destination.
Just text her "Glow in the dark bowling," period, "Tomorrow. Period," period.
"Period," as in "That's it," not double period.
Don't you dare put a double period.
I don't know.
I need a second to think.
Come on, Jack.
You got to put yourself out there.
We're all here for you.
Andrea, line two.
Got to go.
This is Andrea.
Andrea. Oh, thank God.
I don't think my messages have been going through.
It... it's me, Talia.
I don't understand why everything has to be so difficult.
I... I don't think I'm asking for much.
I'm in L.A.
Where... where in L.A.?
I just want to have a face-to-face conversation with a female girl of the opposite sex for once in my life.
I need some fresh air.
[whispering] There's a girl outside.
Sorry, I wasn't expecting...
Yeah, get it.
Yeah, just let me...
There you go.
Yours or Andrea's?
What do you think?
[laughs] It's been so long.
Have you met everyone?
Yeah. Well, kind of.
Guys, this is Talia, my former roommate from NYU.
So... what are you doing in L.A.?
I kind of walked out of my major thesis presentation.
You did what?
Oh, my PhD at Harvard.
I was standing in front of all my colleagues and the dean of my college, the entire mathematics department...
Lecturing on model theory, obviously.
And all of a sudden, I started thinking about Mr. Peplinski.
You know, Mr. Peplinski, that professor we had at NYU.
Remember that class we took together?
"Feminism in Modern Theatre and Post-Industrial Globalization."
For some reason, all I could think about was Mr. Peplinski and that all-female production we did of "Glengarry Glen Ross."
You guys Ghostbuster'd "Glengarry Glen Ross"?
I was ten minutes away from accomplishing everything I've worked for in the last ten years, and it h*t me.
My whole life, I've been living the safe plan, the backup plan, plan B.
So I walked out.
And you came here?
Yeah, I mean, where else would I go?
I want to be an actress.
I mean, it's you guys who inspired me to move to L.A.
Yeah, I've sort of been following you all on Facebook.
Mel, you're a stand-up comedian, right?
And, Dougie, you're some...
And, Anj, you have this great job at a movie studio.
And your husband, Robbie, works at that sick bar in Malibu where all the celebrities go.
I'm sorry; I don't know you.
What do you do?
I'm a business analyst.
Yeah. See, that's what I mean.
You guys are all going for it.
You're not living your plan Bs.
You're living your plan As.
So I was thinking, can I crash with you, Anj?
I mean, that's what people do when they move to L.A., right?
They couch surf?
This isn't fair.
You're asking me to give up the raft for a random stranger?
It's mine, Robbie.
I'm not sleeping on the floor like an animal.
Lower your voice.
She's not a random stranger, you idiot.
She's Andrea's friend, and the raft is mine.
My parents had it imported for me when we were in sixth grade.
I still don't understand why a 12-year-old would ask for an imported Italian sofa.
I've always been interested in interior design, and you know that.
I was thinking we could see the Hollywood sign tomorrow?
Maybe Venice Beach?
Is Harry Potter World close?
Actually, I... I have a pretty full schedule at work this week, Talia, but maybe Mel...
Oh, snap, that's my stepdad coming to take me to my show.
It's my home, Robbie.
It's my only sense of security since the actions of she-who-must-not-be-named left me cold and alone in this crazy, messed-up world.
I'm not giving it up, damn it.
Thanks so much for letting me stay, Anj.
I know you have a super busy day tomorrow, but do you think we could at least grab lunch?
I'll try and squeeze it in, Talia.
We'll talk tomorrow?
This isn't fair.
Oh, my God. You scared me.
I tried to be nice in front of Anj and Robbie, but, no.
You want equal rights for women?
Then say good-bye to gentlemen like me.
You can take the floor.
The raft is mine.
Okay. We can share.
Just stay on your side and don't make it awkward.
And why do you keep calling the couch "the raft"?
I'm sorry, Talia.
I don't think we know each other well enough yet for me to answer that question.
Can you believe her?
Are you okay?
I mean, what the hell happened between you two?
After we graduated, we made plans to get an apartment together.
Talia was d*ad set on being an actress.
She even had her ears surgically pinned back because Mr. Peplinski said that they were too big for her to be a leading lady.
Surgically pinned back.
Anyways, on the day... [phone chimes] we were supposed to move in, she bails.
So I'm stuck paying for rent on a two-bedroom apartment in Williamsburg.
Well, maybe you should tell her.
Tell her what?
That she pissed you off. You'll feel better.
It's important to tell your friends when they're being idiots.
I tell Jack he's an idiot as often as humanly possible.
Who are you texting?
Oh, just my mom.
Saying "Good night," and "I love you."
What? I do it every night.
You text your mother every night?
How did I not know this? How...
I do not know.
I mean, I guess you're usually brushing your teeth or something... or sometimes it's a quick snap or a Skype sesh if you're, you know, taking too long.
Sorry, James is trying to convince me to go back to Boston.
He's making such a big deal out of this.
You have a fiancé?
Well, we're pre-engaged.
It's like a commitment to make a commitment.
Well, actually, the marriage is the commitment.
The engagement is committing to commit, so a pre-engagement is committing to commit to commit.
Right, well, I'm here, and he's there, so our plans are just on hold... for now.
You can't even commit to breaking the commitment.
Because I'm not breaking the commitment.
We're still pre-engaged.
Moving to L.A. doesn't change that.
Okay, I've come to the simple conclusion...
All females are flakes.
This girl I've been texting... Amanda... she can't commit to meeting in person at a designated place and time.
Meanwhile, you can't even honor a commitment that you are three times removed from actually committing to.
I just had a change of plans, that's all.
I... for once, I wanted to live my plan A.
Oh, sure, yeah. Tell me something.
How does James feel about being your plan B?
No one wants to commit to anything.
I have an idea that involves some committing.
Why don't you quit texting that girl and pick up the phone and call her?
Are you serious?
I'm in too deep to make a phone call.
I... I send one wrong text; I make one wrong move, it'll be radio silence.
Do yourself a favor.
Stick to math and stuff.
You really have no clue how to communicate with women, do you?
Have you ever moved past texting?
I have, actually. I dated a girl for seven years.
And what happened?
She put our plans on hold.
Kind of like you and James.
My rash, remember?
You just waking up?
I had the best morning.
I was up at 6:00 and watched the sunrise at Runyon Canyon.
Then I ran five miles and updated my résumé.
Oh, God. Are you [bleep] serious?
I know, right? Oh, and guess what?
I have a meeting with a casting director I found on Craigslist.
Congratulations on organizing your own m*rder.
So, Mel, how was your comedy skit last night?
It's a comedy show, and it was okay.
The joke about me making out with my stepdad didn't h*t like I thought it would.
I guess it was just too much truth, you know?
So you and your stepdad are...
She says, "Bowling... "
"Okay?" Ghost Emoji.
This is in response to "Glow in the dark bowling," period, "Tomorrow," period?
Why did she use the ghost? The ghost is scary.
Is she dying?
This girl is truly an enigma.
You know, 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and only 7% are the actual words spoken.
What are you saying?
Ooh, she's saying we need to get a visual on how Amanda reacts to your texts in order to Gauge the subtext behind her responses.
We go down to the comedy club. You hide somewhere.
Send her texts while I spy on her and give you updates on her body language and tone.
Why didn't we think of this sooner?
Isn't this all a little adolescent?
I'm calling in sick.
Come on, now.
No, no, no, no.
Hey, say hi to the Craigslist Casting k*ller for me, will ya?
That's not a thing.
Is that a thing?
You're gonna die.
[text message zooms]
I worked here for five years, and I never even knew this patio existed.
Sorry, it's Amanda.
She's telling me how much she loves Nutella in her pancakes.
Why does she have to be so adorable?
Oh, all right. It's Dougie.
He's got a visual on Amanda.
He says, "Amanda's mood seems jovial and upbeat."
Hmm, she always struck me as such a bitch.
[sighs] Sorry I'm late, Talia.
I had to get my boss' laundry.
I got ten minutes.
I just had the worst experience at this casting meeting, Anj.
The casting director took one look at me.
He said my ears are too flat against my head.
I mean, they're not too flat, right?
Is there, like, a casting HR department where I could file a complaint?
Yeah, I don't think so, Talia.
So are you just gonna pack it in soon and head back east?
Well, no. I... I mean, I can't.
I have to give this at least six months to a year, right?
Six months to a year? You serious?
Yeah. I figured you'd be okay with it.
I mean, we're best friends.
[scoffs] We were best friends in college.
I know, but I feel like we totally kept up with each other.
Well, for one, we wish each other happy birthday every year, and you've liked a few of my statuses, and I've loved all of yours.
You can't love a status.
Listen, Talia, I think you spend a little too much time believing what you read on social media.
James just changed his status to single.
Pre... pre what?
He... he's not supposed to be single.
I got to get my boss' laundry back to him, Talia.
So you shared the raft with that Talia girl?
Hmm. Why didn't you at least try to h*t that?
What makes you think I didn't?
Because she's a flesh-and-blood human being and not a thumbnail on your home screen.
Okay, that's offensive, and regardless... she's prissy and annoying and so un-adolescent, and even if she was interested, which she's not...
She doesn't fit into my five-year plan.
You live on a couch.
Hey, cutie, can I help you?
So this is your cubicle?
You made your job sound so much more... exotic on Facebook.
It's like you know exactly what you want, Anj.
You're cool with doing your boss's laundry and having this cute little cubicle, and if that's your plan A, that's great... but...
I... I don't know if I can do this.
I'm gonna call my professor and see if he'll let me re-present my thesis.
Hi, is James available?
Sure, I'll hold.
Isn't James your pre-fiancé?
Yes, he's... also my professor.
This is so you, Talia.
I can't tell if you're more worried about losing your fiancé or your backup plan.
What's that supposed to mean?
Let's be real, Talia.
Every decision you've ever made has been based on safety, including abandoning me in Brooklyn, and now you're criticizing my life choices, as... as if I'm okay with my crappy job and my cute little cubicle?
You... you... you guys are getting half the story.
I love my job.
It's fantastic. You guys know.
It's not fantastic. It sucks.
This is me working toward something, Tals, taking a risk, a chance on something I really want.
Aw... you called me Tals.
You used to always call me that.
Oh, my God, I did, didn't I?
What I'm saying is, stop clinging to your parents and your professors.
Stop being an idiot.
Robbie was right.
I do feel better.
James, hi, it's me. I...
[indistinct phone chatter]
A... a... a break? What do you mean?
[phone chatter continues]
No, that was a joke.
You just got punk'd.
I hate acting. Let's get married.
[dial tone drones]
So how many subscribers did you say you have?
Oh, just under 5 million.
I try to be accessible to them, you know?
But they're always trying to hang out and meet in person.
And how do you handle all that attention?
Oh, I just make excuses, like I'm busy doing volunteer work, or I just got on a plane, and I have to turn off my phone.
Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
Any plans for tonight?
Something super cute.
I might go glow in the dark...
"Glow in the dark mini-golf"?
Give me my phone.
All right, now it makes sense why she's not giving you a straight answer, okay?
Her plan A for tonight is to go glow in the dark mini-golfing with some jackass.
She's keeping you and glow in the dark bowling around just in case her plan A doesn't follow through.
You're her plan B.
He's not answering my calls.
Tals, everything's gonna be okay.
If your definition of okay is throwing away six years of school and a four-year relationship on a whim, then, yes, everything's okay.
All right, I'm done.
Talia, it's not a big deal, okay?
People come out here and fail and leave all the time.
You had a good run, a solid 24 hours.
You leaving already?
I... I had a plan.
Oh, a plan?
And let me guess... we are your plan B.
Well, what if my plan A isn't to be your plan B?
What are you talking about?
Don't worry; I get it.
A better opportunity presented itself.
Why don't you just hurry up on out of here like every other flake-fest of a girl, specifically Amanda.
I'm sorry, Anj, I... I can't live like this.
You know, I thought people moved to Hollywood because they had a dream to pursue their plan As.
Don't tell me this is your plan A?
All of you?
Sleeping till 11:00 and then binge-watching TV all day?
Telling jokes about your bizarre, totally inappropriate relationship with your stepdad, all in the name of truth and art?
Living on your friend's couch, spending all of your time concocting elaborate schemes just to get girls to date you?
And live-streaming the results?
I mean, I don't... I don't know how you guys live like this.
I am an accomplished viral video sensation, a leading member of the new media landscape, and according to a frequent BuzzFeed commentator, a modern-day Marcello Mastroianni.
So I would say I am living my plan A.
Do you even know who Marcello Mastroianni is?
No, but my fans do, and they have defined tastes, Mel.
This isn't the scum that frequent your comedy club looking for cheap laughs and sex.
Whoa, hold up.
The sex may be cheap, but the laughs are very real.
Hey, and FYI, Talia, I'm on a personal quest to find comedy and search for why one finds the need to find comedy.
It's meta, and it's my plan A.
Oh, let's be honest.
You're just dealing with your parents' divorce, Mel.
I'd rather be a product of a broken home than a product of your mother.
Hey, come on.
Yeah, man, your mom texted me today.
She called me three times, and the last time, she conferenced me in with your pediatrician.
I was actually on that call as well.
Yeah, I have a very healthy relationship with my mother, and she's very concerned about the heat rash I have on my inner thigh.
And where do you think I got that heat rash, by the way?
Sure, I spend my days binge-watching television, but I spend my nights bartending in Malibu, where I literally sweat my junk off so I can afford to be a stay-at-home dad one day.
And that's my plan A, Talia.
See? We are living our plan As.
Oh, yeah? What's your plan A, Jack?
Spending the rest of your life living on your friend's couch, because your girlfriend of seven years left you at the altar?
Hey, whoa. Who told you that?
My good friend, Facebook.
Well, you know what, at least I didn't have my ears stapled to my head.
Babe, are you serious?
I can't believe you would...
[all shouting at once]
[all speaking at once]
Guys, I just got a text from Amanda.
What... oh, my Amanda?
She says, "Glow in the dark bowling," period.
She's texting you now?
Are you kidding me?
We can still fix this. New plan.
I take Amanda glow in the dark bowling.
You and Robbie bowl two lanes over, wearing mostly glow in the dark apparel and try to get our attention.
What are the odds that you can bowl a perfect game?
I can do it.
Wait, stop, okay? Just stop.
You know what would make a lot more sense?
I thought we already went over this.
Do you want this, Jack?
Because if you really want this, you need to risk something.
You need to stop messing around and take a chance on something you want... and... call her.
Tell you what.
I'll take a chance on what I want if you take a chance on what you want, and... stay.
See what I mean?
Once a flake, always a...
If you call Amanda, I'll stay.
So it's settled. You're both fine.
Oh, this is happening now?
I'm just calling you, because...
I feel like we really connect on a lot of levels, and I have a hard time putting myself out there, because... well, it's scary.
So this is me taking a chance and calling you.
I just got on a plane, and I have to turn off my phone... 'kay, bye.
Ooh, it's time to go to bed.
Ooh, that's over.
[all speaking at once]
I think I got that thing to do.
Hey, guys, it's the casting director.
I've got an audition.
I knew it.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
[all speaking at once]
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01x01 - Pilot
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Sunset PPL". Aired: September 3, 2016.
"Sunset PPL" is about a group of millennial friends who struggle with their own made-up rules for personal and professional success.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1