01x01 - Babysitting

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x01 - Babysitting

Post by bunniefuu »

Oooh, God, didn't the weatherman say it was gonna be 72?

No, they said it was gonna be 72 at the beach.

This is Van Nuys.

They don't call it the Devil's Tant for nothing.

You think God's punishing this area because so much p*rn's sh*t here.


My thighs have fused together.


What are you doing?

I'm trying to turn the temperature down.

[AC rattles]

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't fail me now, The View.

Why'd you name the AC unit The View?

Because it used to be cool and informative.

Now it's just unintelligible...

Use smashmash.

Help me with this.

No, these are not hands of a common laborer.

Screw this. Let's go to Veronica's.

Her AC works.

No, never.

Why do you hate her so much?

Because our world philosophies will never intersect.

So what?

She called me a drama queen once, and I will never forgive her for that.

Mm, too hot for that.

Oh, I'm parked in the back.

You're parked by the pawnshop. Sorry.

[sighs] God.

Nicole, don't go.

Shut up.

Stay here.

Die with me.

I love you.

Die with me, Nicole.

[knocking at door]

[weakly] Veronica.

Oh my God. Are you okay?

Oh, thank you for letting me come over.

Our air conditioning doesn't work.

Did Devon break it?


[laughing] Let him suffer.

Oh, stop it. Let's crank this.

No, it's a cool 76 in here, and it's peak hours.

Blasting it would cost a fortune.

Oh, whatever, come on, just live a little.

I'll live a little at 8 p.m. when they go down.

Fine. Fine.

What are you doing?

I am looking for free air conditioning.


This guy on Tinder says he's got central air.

You're gonna sleep with a guy for air conditioning?


[scoffs] Fine, I'll turn it down.

[sighs] I wasn't really gonna bang him.

I wouldn't care if you did.

I just want the company.

Mm, I was totally gonna bang him.

I know.

♪ ♪

So we're at the little table...


...with the creams and sugars.

We both go for the organic hemp milk.


Our hands touch.

He does not recoil like a straight guy would.

Ooh, what happened next? Did you touch his peen?

No, no, no, no.

He's gonna come over tomorrow.


I've got the whole seduction thing planned.

I just want David's first gay experience to be... perfect.

Wait, first?

I thought you said he was bi-curious.

Yeah, exactly.

Bi-curious means that you're interested in men but you haven't done anything with one.


When do I get my time with the bi-curious prince?

You don't, Nicole, you don't. He's mine.

Oh, come on, I'll go second.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Ooooh, sloppy seconds.

Okay, you know what? We can do it.

Nicole: Yeah?

Devon: Yeah.

They put me up in Mesa, Arizona, for three days.

They flew me out in economy plus.

I am so jealous you booked a commercial.

You're like the most successful person I know.

How much you make on that?

Before taxes, almost two grand.

Ohh-ooh, God damn!

You're living life.


Could you say the line from the commercial?

No, she's not a trained monkey, Devon.

¡Usted podría ser un millonario!


Thank you, guys. Thank you.

I do have to go though, so...


Do... do you have an agent?

I have got to figure out how you booked this commercial?

I just saw the audition on castingnet.net.

Isn't that site like 100 bucks per month?

My dad pays for it.

I can text you my login.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh, yah!

Can you do it now?

I just don't want you to forget about it.

Oh, sure.

So, Nicole, what have you like booked lately?

[phone buzzes]

Uh, got it.

[laughs] Thank you so much, Amanda.

You're welcome.




Okay, bye.

So fun.

I am so glad I stopped acting.

Didn't you quit like a month after moving out here?

Worst month of my life.

I hated all the rejection, the uncertainty.

Well, I like it. It fits in with my lifestyle.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, it's Derrick.


Nicole and Devon: Still up?

What, he's so busy not working he doesn't have time to write out "still up"?

I know, but his d*ck. Oh-wee, it is so good.

Are you okay with me leaving?

Yeah, go.

Okay, bye.



♪ Girl, just let me ride ♪

You know, now that I found this website, I'm gonna go on way more auditions.

I'll probably even book one.


I wish Amanda had given me her login like two years ago.

That dumb b*tch.

You smell good tonight.

I got McDonald's earlier.

Both: Mmmm.

You know, after I book a commercial, my foot's like basically in the door.

I'm gonna get cast as Emma Stone's black best friend in a rom-com.

"I'll finish this presentation, Maddie.

You go get your man."

[sighs] Look, babe, kinda losing my chub with all this talking.

Why don't you come get this chocolate pie?



Oh, no, no, no, can you go sleep on the couch, please?

This is my place.

I know, but you sweat a lot when you sleep, so...

Fine, can you at least give me your Netflix password so I can watch TV?


All one word, all lowercase.

Ah, I could've sworn it was boobies. [laughs]

No, no, no, no. Here you go.

I wouldn't be doing this if you weren't so good at sex.

I know.

♪ I got a perfect p*ssy ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, everybody wants a piece of this pie ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, chocolate p*ssy pie ♪♪

So I packed some snacks for Troy to take to the park.

Oh, did you pack those fruit snacks?

He really likes those fruit snacks.


He never eats them at home.

Oh, weird.

Oh, no, no, the cherry ones.

So, he has Suzuki Method at two, Kumon at four.

And he can watch six minutes of PBS if he's good.

Oh, he's always good.

Hi, Troy.

Hi, Nicole.

Both: Double double, front front.

Double double, back back.

Double front, double back.

We packed you lots of fruit snacks just like you like.


Oh, we gotta go.


That casting notice was a real letdown.

I can see what you mean.

Sexy beach blond, All-American dream girl, demure Asian type, fiery redhead.

Oh, I found something.

Twenties, black, sexy.

Oh, no.

Ugh, this sounds horrible.

No, tell me.

It's for a hooker named Big Butt Bertha who's as wide as she is horny.

Eh, that is... perfect.

Oh, girl, no, it's not.

Oh, and the audition's in 40 minutes anyway.

Forward it to me.

No, no!

Hey, back off, it's mine.

I gotta go.

It's mine!

Stop where you are.

You think you're pretty cool, huh?

Do you know what the phrase "what goes around comes around" means?


Well, it means this.

You mess with him again, and I'll post this pissy pants sh*t to every school in a five-mile radius.

Now b*at it!

Thank you...

Save it for the car.

We gotta go, okay? Come on, come on, come on.

You okay? That kid hurt you?

No, I'm great.

You made it look like he peed his pants.

I did.

Listen, you gotta start standing up for yourself.

I'm not always gonna be there.

Are you quitting?

Oh, God, no, but I'm probably gonna book a really cool acting job real soon.

Now help me learn my lines.

Who am I again?

You're King, my pimp.

What's a pimp?

Uh, a really mean boss.

Now, uh, what's the line?

"Listen, King, you can't be taking all my money.

I earned that on my back."

Listen, King, you can't be taking my money.

I earned that on my back.

"I don't care.

"When you work for King, you get him his money.

You know I'm a crazy ass"... I can't say that word.

Wyatt got in trouble at school for saying that.

As he very well should have.

But, listen, we're saying it for a very important reason today.

My mom says I should never say the N word for any reason.

Okay, listen, Troy.

Black people can say that word.

And Taiwanese people are the black people of Asia.

We are?

Yeah, sure.

Plus we're in a car, nobody can hear us.

All right, let's try it again.

And remember, you're a very mean boss.


Listen, King, you can't be taking my money.

I earned...

[soft music plays]

Can I interest you a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon?

It's from my cousin's vineyard in Rome.

Uh, you got any beer?

Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm all out.

I could, uh, go to the store to get some, but I'd have to get changed.

You got any corn nuts?

I don't know what that is.


So, um, you ever go to Running Canyon?

I mean, yeah, sometimes.

Look, what do we want out of this?

Are you looking for a hiking buddy or are you looking for a real strong lover?

I don't know.

I guess I never really thought this through.

I do like hiking though.


You're about to say something, and I don't wanna hear it.

[music turned up louder]

This is the song of my heart.

[imitating b*ating heart]


[imitating b*ating heart]

b*at you, owe me a kiss.

So when your mom asks what we did today...

My piano was so much fun.

We played Concerto Number Four.

Kumon took forever.

I hate fractions.

You are a good kid.

Double double, front front.

Double double, back back.

Double... uh, you screwed up.

Come on.


You're not my white man.

Where's Devon?

Devon: I'm kinda busy right now.

Sorry. Hi, I'm Nicole.

Uh, you must be David.


Nice to meet you.

Hey, Devon, when you're done down there, I wanna tell you about my audition.

Devon: Yeah, okay, bye.


Devon: Where was I?

Did he leave?


[sighs] Okay.

We need to talk about what just happened.

Oh, he released a squib?

No. He asked me to stop.

Look, that's never happened to me before.

Oh my God, is it because I interrupted you guys?

No, the male orgasm is like Pringles.

Once you pop, you cannot stop.

Why do you think he asked you to stop?

Did somebody ask you to stop before?



[laughing] No.

No, honey.

Maybe I'm just not as good as I thought I was.

No, you just need some tips.

You know who you should talk to? Veronica.

She eats a Popsicle with a Kn*fe and fork.

She may look like a lady, but when the lights go off, she a freak.

In college, she made this guy pass out.

Could you set up a meeting?


Are you kidding me?

Why did you tell him I'm the BJ Queen?

Because you made that guy in college pass out.

Yeah, but I don't know if that was my legendary skills or just an allergic reaction to shrimp.

You know he almost d*ed?

[laughs] I bet that's every guy's dream.

Death by beej.

You know, all that being said, I've never had any complaints.

And I do have a 100% success rate.

So I'll take the title, I'm the BJ Queen.

Ooh, no, could I be the Duchess of Blowchester?

Yeah, whatever.

He'll be at your house in two hours.


I wish I could say I had something to do, but I don't.

So that's fine.

[phone vibrates]

[gasps] Ooh, new audition posted.

What is it?

It's a commercial for depression medication.

"Seeking mothers and sons, all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities."

I'm an ethnicity.

But you're not a mother.

You sure this is okay?

Yeah. You guys have done so much for me.

I wanna do something nice for you.

Thank you. I could use a free afternoon.

No prob. Come on, let's go, buddy.

Mom: Bye.


What park are we going to today, Nicole?

For the next two hours, call me Mom.

[knocking at door]

Okay, okay. All right.


What are you doing?

I was just expecting your place to have a ton of cats.

Yeah, well, it must be nice for you to be in a place that's not covered in garbage.

Touché. Spicy.

Thank you.

So, is this the first time that we've ever hung out without Nicole?

I think it is.

Okay! Enough chit-chat, teach me that blowjob magic.

I'll put on some tea.

Do you have bergamot?

Um, are you okay with mint?

But we don't look alike.

Yeah, I know that.

You'll be playing my adopted son.

My husband and I took a trip to Taiwan, and we found you in a dumpster behind our hotel.

Like my friend Kevin.

Exactly, just like Kevin.

Who Kevin?

Is this the audition for the real families?

Oh, adopted?

Mm, yeah, he's a rescue.

Sorry, they cast the nontraditional families yesterday.


Excuse us for a second.

Come on, little dude.

Up next, we have Nicole Byer and Troy Byer-Wong.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

♪ What, what, what, what ♪


Woman: Whenever you're ready.

Depression's hard on me.

But it's harder on my son.

Okay. Very nice.

But we're just looking for real people with real stories.

We just wanna know about you and your son.


Like basic stuff.

Your husband. How'd you meet him?

Uh, you... you mean Gary?

Yeah, Gary.

I was in Taiwan.

She found me...

Sssh, come on, Mommy's speaking, shut up.

Okay, so I was on vacation with some girlfriends.

I met him at the bar.

He was a Taiwanese man.

He was super handsome and nice, and tiny like they are.

Like itsy bitsy. Like really tiny.

And I know you're like looking at me, and you're like, "That's a big girl. She can't like little men."

I like 'em little, okay?


A little Polly Pocket of man?

Yes, you're gonna give it to me.

Um, mm, yes.

Oh, wait, and he loves me back so much.

Like so much.

This tiny, proud, Taiwanese man.

But you know what?

His mom... mm.

That b*tch don't like me. No.


She's always creeping past me, just whispering, "Darkness, darkness."

[laughing] You're hilarious.

Oh, well, thank you.

Did I get it?

Oh no, this is a commercial for depression medication.

You're not right for this.

Okay, uh, can you... [sighs]

Can you at least tell me what I'm doing wrong?

You're not doing anything wrong.

Then why can't I get a job?

Or an agent? Or a manager?

Here's the number of a manager who would love you.

She reps new comedians.

Like seriously?

I am happy to recommend you.

[laughs] I'm gonna go home and tell Gary about this.

Whoo-hoo, I'm gonna get some Taiwanese d*ck tonight.

[laughs] Okay. That went too far.

All right, Troy, come on.

Let's go.


I'm not crazy.

She painted an Asian kid, right?


I guess you just kinda like grab it, put it in.

[whispers] Put it in.

Take it out.

Kinda just repeat that.

That's it?

That's your expertise?

These are high school level tips.

Okay, you're the one that asked me for help.

It just sounds boring, okay?

If you did that to me, I'd fall asleep.

Yeah, well, no one's ever asked me to stop.


You're right.

I failed.

And because of me, he's no longer bi-curious.

So he's only been with women?



Interesting? What?

Well, he's only been with women, so that's what he's used to and that's what he likes.

Are you saying that I can't do that as well as a woman can?

It's impossible, okay?

I worship it. I savor it.

I never want the moment to end.

It's my little king, I'm its little prince.

That's the problem.

You're enjoying it too much.

If you wanna make him happy, you have to give it to him like a woman would.

And that is?

A woman does it as quick as she can.

Treat it like a water bottle at airport security.

Just chug it down as fast as possible and get to your gate.

And by gate, I, of course, obviously, mean sex.

I get it.

I just have to act like a girl.

Do it fast, disconnected, with a scrunchy.


This has been fun.

I'm kinda glad we did this.

Although, we could've done it over text message.


Next time.

There won't be a next time.

Bye, b*tch.

I have a manager.

I mean, I still have to like call her and everything, but I have a manager.

That's huge. I'm so proud of you.

Mmmm, thank you.

Hold on a sec.

Pick it up.

Veronica: Still there?


I think I just put some hair on this kid's b*lls.

His own hair, right?

I guarantee you that kid won't mess with you again.

I know!

See, good things happen when you stand up for yourself.

Hey, if your mom asks...

We just went to the park.

And it's not lying, it's acting.

[in British accent] And acting is noble.

[in normal voice] If you're good enough.

Thanks again, Nicole.

I had the best day.

I got rid of those awful chairs, and I ordered some custom ones online.

But the shipping is k*lling me.

Ew, I don't want that.

But it looks delicious.

I want a burger.

Well, you have to eat your healthy stew.

I don't care, Big Butt Bertha!

When you work for Troy, you get him his burger!

I'm a crazy ass [bleep]!

[gasps] Troy, you go upstairs right now!

I am horrified.

Listen, I can explain.

I don't know where he got that from.

But I can assure you, he did not hear it in this house.

Please, just let me pay you for the day.

Okay. I'm offended, but I will take this.

As long as that never happens again.

I mean, never.

If you could take a trip around the world with one guy, who would it be?

Mmm, Channing Pa-tay-tum.


Yeah, he looks like a sexy potato.

So I'm gonna call him Channing Pa-tay-tum.

[phone vibrating]

Veronica: Ooh, is that Derrick?

No, it's Troy's mom.

Oh God, I'm gonna get fired.

She says she knows who taught him the N word.

Why are you teaching kids the N word?

I didn't do it on purpose.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, thank God.

They think this kid Wyatt taught it to him.

They're putting him in counselling.

Oooh, I'm in the clear. [laughs]


So, how'd it go?

I did it!

And I pretended to hate every second of it.

I didn't look it. I was rough with it.

I give it a little Indian burn. I may have h*t it.

I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

All the while, I was just spaced out thinking about a hat I saw on Pinterest.

I was the perfect straight girl.

That's great!

You'll be happy to know, you're not the only one that can make a boy pass out.

Whooo, that's what I'm talking about!

Well, wait, is that shrimp?

Yeah, it's a pivotal part of my seduction routine.

Mm, fresh.

Okay, so you fed shrimp to David.

And then pleasured him, and then he passed out.

One hundred percent, damn straight.

Okay, you need to call 911. Let's go.

Oh, no!

Yes, now 911, yes, yes.

Someone call an ambulance.

Veronica: He's dying.

Devon: 911, I'm calling it.

These are very good.
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