01x01 - Sam (Pilot)

[bunniefuu]

[crying]

Hi.

Do you want to buy her the earrings?

'Cause that's why she's crying, because of $6 earrings that...

She has them at home already.

But she wants them for right now, so...

You should go into that store and buy them for her.

'Cause I'm not doing it.

Or stop looking.

[crying]

You want a hotdog on a stick?

[crying]

♪ Mother, you had me ♪
♪ I wanted you ♪
♪ You didn't want me ♪

[water running]

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh.

Yeah. What happened?

Hi, Richard.

Hey. Hey. Uh...

Look, uh, Richard...

Um, uh, uh, uh...

Yeah, look, Richard, I... I...

Uh-oh.

Richard.

I'll see you at school things.

Yeah. Okay...

[groans]

Who was that?

Sophie's dad.

Eww. Eww!

Yeah. That was a big mistake.

What about Charles' dad?

What about him?

Mm.

Is he tall?

To me.

Woman: Listen, Jack.

I started this firm, and you are not getting rid of me.

Listen, Jack.

Listen, Jack.

Listen, Jack. I started this firm.

You're not getting rid of me.

I don't care what you and that bimbo try to pull, I will eat your g*dd*mn lunch on this deal.

Listen, Jack.

Ugh. Figures.

[laughs]

Of course.

Of course you're here.

Of course you're here.

[clears throat]

[exhales]

Listen, Jack. I started this firm, and you're not... [laughs]

You're not... You're not gonna do that.

Don't do that.

It's good to practice.

It is.

[laughing]

Shh.

[whispering] How are you? What's goin' on?

[sighs] Well, I wish for one boring day.

I really hate you, Mom.

You are so unfair.

Good. Fine. Go live with your father.

Yeah, I'm leaving right now.

Very crazy good. House full of young girls kicking my ass.

You are so unfair!

Get in the house.

Go to bed.

I'm gonna make your life a living hell.

Chuy! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[horn honking]

I hear ya. I only have one, so I can't even imagine.

You have kids? You have a kid?

I do.

I have one.

That's so weird to me.

What?

No, I didn't...

You don't seem maternal.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

[laughing]

That's what... They all say that, too.

Um, are you dating Luke?

What? No.

I don't know. Somebody said that.

No.

No?

Eww. No, I'm dating my daughters.

They're my love life. The whole day.

Okay.

All right. Focus. Focus.

Listen, Jack.

I started this firm, and you're not...

I mean, who writes this sh*t?

I don't know. I don't understand.

I mean, who is...

Oh, my God. [laughs]

Thank you.

I know.

It is so good to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you, too.

I'm glad you're back. I mean, this is gonna be great.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Are you gonna go?

Yeah. It's Julie Bowen.

Yeah, you're right.

♪ There will always be someone better than you ♪

Bye.

♪ Even if you're the best ♪
♪ So let's stop the competition now ♪
♪ While we will both be losers ♪

[beeping]

Wait! Don't go in there.

The wizard will see us, and he'll try to rez us down.

[cell phone buzzing]

[beeping]

Hello?

Hi, Miss Jacobs.

Yes. I'm sorry. Duke had her homework, but I forgot it in my van.

I took her to the dentist today.

Yeah.

[no audible dialog]

Yeah, I understand that.

Yes. I know.

Amanda, will you give me a break?

I have three of them, and you know I work.

No. No, he doesn't help.

They haven't seen him in, like, a month.

I didn't say that was your problem.

I... [exhales]

Okay. All right.

Amanda...

[no audible dialog]

And I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Whoo. Okay, Vernon. I am so sorry.

One more time. Almost done.

Adrenaline. [clears throat]

[beeping]

Wait! Don't go in there.

The wizard will see us, and he'll try to... Goddamnit.

That woman is pure sh*t on a stick.

I cannot wait 'til my daughter leaves that school, so I can tell her what a cockfighting douche her f*cking teacher was.

Oh, Vernon.

Okay.

One more for the wizard.

Ooh.

Where is the freakin' graph paper?

I mean, this place is like a pre-apocalyptic nightmare.

Oh, calm down, mom.

Okay, graph paper, journal notebook, dictionary...

That woman smelled like my dad's girlfriend.

Eww.

What?

What?

Oh, headphones. That's great. And speakers, and where's the freakin' graph paper?

I don't know, Mom. I'll get the binders and the rest of the stuff.

[sighs]

Does anyone actually work here?

Hello!

Does anybody actually work here?

Yes, I do!

But I'm with customers right now.

Wait. But can you tell me at least where I can find the graph paper?

Aisle eight.

This is aisle eight.

Oh, here it is.

That was great, Mom.

Just freak out in a store, why don't you.

I didn't freak out, just nobody works there.

I wish you smoked pot, Mom.

What?

It would be good for you.

Stoners aren't losers, Mom.

And it would mellow you out.

I'm perfectly mellow.

Can I ask you something?

You now what? Never mind.

You'll just freak out.

Okay, you don't have to, but now you know you're going to.

Could you get pot for me?

What?

Gabby Shuster's mom told her if she ever wanted to smoke pot, she'd get it for her.

Like, don't you want me to have clean organic pot?

You should want me to have good nugs.

Good nugs?

[laughs] I don't even know what to say?

That's amazing.

I don't know how to get pot.

I don't even know where to get...

Gabby Shuster's mom said that to you?

Okay. That's great.

I can't even get Gran pot for her arthritis.

How about this? How about this?

No. No, Max, I'm not gonna get you pot.

It's so easy, Mom.

Sorry.

Oh.

You get a prescription, you just have to be 18.

Max, honey, can we just go back to the regular hard things, like school supplies?

You should be happy I'm honest with you.

I could just get it and not tell you.

Oh, yeah, well, that might be a little better.

Seriously?

Yeah. These things are normal, but you should be ashamed of them. Little bit.

Why, you're... You're my mom, I want you to know if I have sex or if I want to get high.

Ahh! No, hide things from me.

Please.

♪ Dunkin' bagels ♪
♪ Dunkin' bagels ♪
♪ Dunkin' bagels ♪
♪ Smash! In the coffee ♪
♪ Dunkin' bagels ♪
♪ Smash! In the coffee ♪

Why?

Wait, why'd she say that?

[playing notes on piano]

[Satie's Gymnopedie #1 playing]

Come here.

Yeah.

You're a good dog.

I'm a bad dog mom.

Mom.

What?

What?

What?

Mom, I didn't say anything.

Neither did I.

Then why are you mad at me?

Baby, just... I love you. What?

You want me to make you a burrito?

Yeah.

This is a bur-rito, burrito, my little burrito. - [giggling]

Did you brush your teeth?

Yes.

Let me smell.

[blowing]

Why do you say you brush when you didn't brush?

I don't know. I'm so tired.

But isn't it easier to just go brush?

Do you want to be a kid with orange teeth?

I don't know.

I'm so tired.

You promise to brush in the morning?

Yes, Mama.

Okay.

Good girl.

Mama, come.

Oh, no, baby.

I can't lay down.

It's late. I have too much to do.

Come on, Mama, please?

[sighs] Okay.

Just for a minute.

[sighs]

All right.

No, Mama, under.

No, no, I can't get under.

Please?

No.

And don't touch me.

I swear to God, if your little baby hands touch me, I'll fall asleep and I'll be in a lot of trouble.

I'll play you a song.

Okay.

Okay.

♪ ♪

♪ Wandering through starry skies ♪
♪ And when tomorrow's day arrives ♪
♪ Arrives, arrives, arrives ♪
♪ Arrives, arrives, arrives ♪
♪ Wandering through starry skies ♪
♪ And when tomorrow's day arrives ♪
♪ I'll be a moment closer to... ♪

[groans]

[groans]

No. It's...

[laughing]

Hi, Mom.

You were asleep, so I just had...

Had them come over.

Oh, my God, Sam, I cannot believe this is you.

You were, like, Duke's age. Oh, I love this show.

Yep, that's me.

[in character] Life sucks.

[laughing]

Mom.

Can you get us some food, please?

[laughing]

[cell phone dings]

♪ ♪
♪ Rolls and flows ♪
♪ Of angel hair ♪

Okay, fine.

♪ And ice cream castles in the air ♪
♪ And feather canyons everywhere ♪
♪ I've looked at clouds that way ♪
♪ But now they only block the sun ♪
♪ They rain and they snow on everyone ♪
♪ So many things I would have done ♪
♪ But clouds got in my way ♪
♪ I've looked at clouds ♪
♪ From both sides now ♪
♪ From up and down ♪
♪ And still somehow ♪
♪ It's cloud illusions I recall ♪
♪ I really don't know clouds ♪
♪ ♪

[distant siren]

[door opens, closes]

Mama.

Hi, baby. You're up.

Why are you up?

You left.

Yes, I did, baby, but I stayed in there with you for a long time.

Long time.

It's been a really long day.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Man: Sammy. Wake up.

Hey, wake up, baby. Hey! Hi. Hey, cookie.

Sammy, cookie, you want to hear a story?

I got a good one for you. Let me tell you...

Don't get in there and wind her up, I just got her down.

Shut up!

Listen, Sammy, your dad had a great day.

I had a great day.

Okay, I got irons in the fire, kid.

This guy called me, he thinks he wants to do one of my stories.

You remember the one about the junk man?

He could see things other people couldn't.

Could turn garbage into gold.

He thinks it could go to television.

I'm talkin' TV, the big game.

You, me, the big game. Everything could change.

Even for her. Don't tell her I woke you up.

All right, go back to bed. Goodnight.

[rapping in Spanish]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Girl: Mom?

[door slams]

No, don't come in here.

Mom!

Don't come in here.

Don't come in here.

Don't come in here.

Jesus, Mom, you're so bi-polar.

I said get out.

Did you know that in Africa, girls get their clitoris cut off when they're, like, 13 on their birthday?

What if I did that as, like, a protest?

That would be so, like, real.

Get out.

Get out of my room. Get out.

Get out of my room.

No.

Get out. Get out of my room.

No.

Frankie!

You didn't even knock.

[door slams]

And no, you're not getting your clit cut off!

Oh, sweetie.

Okay.

What are you looking for?

What do you want to look at?

Like... [sighs]

I want to see something real.

You know, I...

Uh-huh.

Real.

Like, I want it to at least feel real.

Can they just really make it feel real?

What are your search words?

I don't... What? I don't know what that is.

Everything you want is out there.

You just need to know how to narrow it down to search words.

Close your eyes and picture anything, and there is p*rn of that on the internet.

If you want to see a fat man farting into a girl's mouth, type in fat fart mouth.

Oh.

Try it.

Think about what you really want, and boil it down to three words.

Mm.

What do you got?

Penis... maybe... close up.

Don't...

[laughing]

You probably knew I was gonna say that.

sh*t. I just want to be with you.

No, Stan, we're not a couple anymore.

We're business partners.

Oh, screw the business.

I'd burn the whole business to the ground if I could just get one sniff of your panties.

Ohh.

Oh.

I want to taste you.

[moaning]

I love you.

[sighs]

[groaning]

[moaning]

Uh... hold on.

Hang on.

Huh?

Can I just... John. Can I have one second?

Woman: Cut.

Man: Cutting.

You all right?

Yeah. I'm okay.

Thank you.

[grunting]

[sighs]

Sorry, Gary. I love you.

That's okay, Sammy, take your time.

I love you, baby.

Hey. You okay?

Hi. Yes.

I just... Come here.

I want to... John.

Okay, you know I'm a gamer.

I come here, I throw down.

Yeah. That's why I love you.

Okay, so you know I have three kids.

Girls.

Yeah.

Daughters.

Yeah. I love those guys.

I know. Why... When are they gonna ever come visit the set?

Huh?

It'd be fun.

Okay, you remember Max, my oldest?

Okay, she's in high school now, and in the interest of her carpool that I drive every morning...

♪ ♪

What's the problem?

Okay, there's this one moment in this scene, a little detail, that I just want to dial down...

Oh.

A tiny bit.

I'm not sure that I want to live with it.

Mm-hm, sure.

Just, uh...

What's the problem here? Tell me what part.

It's the part where my legs are up in the air, and that one is eating my p*ssy, and his son walks in and sees us.

Oh. You mean the funny part.

Yeah.

Thanks. Sammy. You're the best.

I...

♪ Now the name of this song is the flat feet floogie ♪
♪ The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy ♪
♪ The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy ♪
♪ The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy ♪
♪ The floy joy, the floy joy, the floy joy, the floy joy ♪
♪ The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy ♪