01x02 - Breakfast With Derrick

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x02 - Breakfast With Derrick

Post by bunniefuu »

Honestly, maybe you could find like an agent at the Chateau Marmont.

Oh, stop it.

I don't know how to schmooze.

Or... you could join Scientology.

If you did that, your career would take off.

You know it's basically a cult, right?


But it's a cult that could probably get me cast in the next "Jack Reacher" film as like a sassy 911 operator.

911, what your emergency?


There's a b*mb where?

Oh hell to the no!

That was spectacular.

Thank you. I've been practicing.

It's very good.

You're so negative.

What if being in a cult made Nicole happy?


All right, fine.

But if you're gonna have to be the one that rescues her from that creepy Sea Org ship.

Yeah, I'm ready to do that.

I'm buoyant. I'm a seaman.

This has been lovely.

Hate to interrupt, but Bo-talk butt, I gotta make it to a dentist appointment.

Um, it's midnight.

You're going to Derrick's, aren't you?


I am still mad that he didn't come to my party.

Okay. Let me see your phone.

No! Excuse you!

I'm not gonna apologize for my orgasms.

I'm a modern woman in charge of her sexuality.

Hear my p*ssy roar, people!

Hear my p*ssy roar.


You did that.

Ugh, she left without paying.

No, she'll come back and pay.

Just wait.

She's a good person.

I left something important.

See? I told you.

My condoms are in here.

You know, I'm just happy she's using condoms.

Yeah, me, too.

She used to just jump up and down a lot.

You mean, she'd just jump and let it goop out?

Yeah, it'd go kplerk.

That doesn't work, right?


♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

So I found this place that sells small batch artisanal vermouth.

Next time you're here, I can whip us up some martinis.

If you bring the gin.



Well, I guess I'll be going.

[laughs] Um... thank you for the sex.

Yeah, sure.

You're welcome.

Hey, you wanna go out and get something to eat?


I'm hungry, and I don't have any food here because of pantry moths.

So you wanna go out out?




I'll throw on some pants.


Even you have to admit that it's a pretty big deal.

What do you mean by "even you"?

Well, because, you know, some people... not me... would refer to you as a cold, stone-hearted cyborg that thinks love is d*ad.

Devin says that, doesn't he?


But I think things are changing.

I think Derrick might like me like me.

I'm just not sure that breakfast means he likes you.

Don't complicate things.

Right now, you get horny, you bone.

It's easy.

Yeah, I guess our whole sitch like works pretty well for the both of us.

Uh, I gotta go. I can't be late for work.

Wait. So they have you working like every day?

How is that legal?

Well, it's like five days in a row, but then I get two days off.

Uh, I guess that seems fair.


Thanks for the ride. I'll text you later.


I could work in an office.

Good morning, HR.

That Jefferson's file on your desk, HR.

Oh, watch your back, Greg.

You wronged the woman in charge of all the things.

Yeah, I could totally work in an office.

[phone vibrates]


Derrick took you out to breakfast, and you tell me over text message?

No, no!

This is huge.

Get here now, Nicole!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

[tires squeal]


He likes you!

He likes you!

Hold on, I wanna take a selfie so I can remember what I was wearing when I found out Derrick likes you.

Do you really thinks so?

'Cause I thought so too, but then I was talking to Veronica...

[groans] That cold, stone-hearted cyborg knows nothing about love.

This is something you should have brought to me.

Okay, let's get into the deets.


Where did he take you?

That diner on Franklin.

Oh, very fancy.


What did he wear?

He was wearing flip flops and that knockoff Easy sweatshirt he got on Etsy.

Okay, casual, straight guy elegant.

Who paid?

Get ready for it.

Baby, are you ready?

Oh, I'm strapped in so hard.

He did.

Stop, rinse, repeat.

He paid?



Twenty-six dollars.

Place is cash only.

I only have a card.

It's okay, I got it.

That is so romantic.

I know, right?

He could have made me go to a gas station ATM.

But he didn't.



[dramatic sigh]

Oh, no.

What was that sigh?

Honey, what's wrong?


I miss Flynn.

Wait, was that the guy whose peen was squishy everywhere except the middle?


Uh, was it the guy who slapped a baby at Sears?


Oh, okay. Was it the guy that said he was a lifeguard but then like wasn't a lifeguard?

What was his name?

No, Trevor, no.

This is Mr. Right, the one that got away.

Blond hair, blue eyes, Botox sweat glands...


...incredible sm... I'm so sorry.


This isn't about me.

This is about my baby girl and her new relationship.

Stop it!

I'm not in a relationship.

I mean, not yet.

But I know that he likes you.


And I can prove it.

Give me your phone.


No, seriously, I'm gonna text him something super boring.

And if he responds, then we know he likes you.

It's the boyfriend test.



"I saw a bird."

Then we wait.






Both: [sighs]

You know, I don't think I can convert to Judaism.

But I do wanna start wearing those tiny little hats.

Honestly, you've got the perfect little head for tiny little hats.

Thank you.

[phone vibrates]


Oooh, it's Derrick.

Oh, what'd he say?


I don't wanna understate this, but that is everything.

Both: Yes!

It's official.

Derrick likes me.

Congratulations, Boo-boo.


Devin: And before I make a toast... just a sip for you...

I'd like to make an announcement.

I've decided to reconnect with Flynn.

Uh, I am so happy for you.

This is amazing.

Thank you.


Yeah, I'm happy for you, too.

Okay, great. A toast.

To Derrick, may his boyfriend game be as strong as his d*ck game.

He really likes me.

Still with this?

He paid, Veronica.

He paid for breakfast.

He basically got down on one knee and proposed.

You didn't tell me he paid.

Uh, well, you were being very negative, so I didn't...

I wasn't being negative.

I was being practical.

Uh, same diff.

Maybe he does like you.

See? Yes, I knew it!

In your face. In your dumb face.

But do you even like him?

Mm, wait, what?

I mean, you've spent so much time wondering if he likes you.

Have you stopped to ask yourself what you want?

No, I've been too busy planning our life together.

But do you even want a relationship?

Veronica, I don't know.

Maybe it's a good time to figure that out.

Play the field, see what's out there.

I mean, I've been with a lot of guys.

I be slamming all the time.

Yeah, no, there's a ton of slamming and grinding and choking and uhh, you know?

But there's not a lot of wining and dining.


Before you commit to Derrick, as a favor to me, go on one date with someone else.

You know, I'm actually really okay with this plan.

Nothing will stand in the way of true love.


Well, as a favor to you, I'm out.

Where are you going?

I got a Tinder date with the pizza place next door.

That's not what I meant.

That's what I heard.

Bye... boop.

Could you get me a chicken parm slice on the way home?

Oh, absolutely.

Oooh, have you ever had chicken parm on a pizza?


Oh my God, you get twice the crunch.

Crunch from the crust, crunch from the chicken, aaah.

This is the most I've ever liked you.

Come on, no way.

Yes way.

I swear my birthday is May 8th, too.

How weird that we both have the same birthday.

Super weird. [laughing]

Um, I'm gonna get another drink.

Do you want one?

Uh, listen.

I like you, you're really pretty and fun.

Thank you.

But don't get another drink unless you're gonna sleep with me.

I've just spent too much time and money on girls who bail at the eleventh hour.

Okay. You know what?

No thank you.

I am gonna take this pizza, 'cause I don't need you.

I already have a boyfriend.


[knocking at door]

If I text you to come over, would you?

Uh, maybe.

What am I doing in this scenario?

I don't know. Watching a movie.

At the theater or at home?

At home.

Yeah, I'd... I'd come over.


Oh my God, oh, what is this?

Oh, sorry, I had a ton of those made for my storytelling show.

You have a show?

Yeah, it's just like a monthly thing.

Artists, poets telling stories about their lives.

Oh, wow, it sounds cool.

Oop, I can feel my b*lls again.

[laughing] I yanked on them so hard.

Good sign.


Yeah, it's a good show.

You should come by tomorrow.

Uh, maybe I will.


Hey, so, hate to kick you out, but I borrowed my buddy's car.

I'm doing the whole ride sharing thing.

You didn't tell me you got a job.

Yep. [sighs]

I can give you a ride home, you just gotta go through the app.

Can't you just like take me home?

It's like 20 bucks.

That's not $20.

I'm pretty sure that's $20.

No, it's like $4.

Twenty bucks.

Can't you just like, you know, give me a little free ride?

Twenty bucks.

♪ You got the fever ♪

Okay, la fatchia.

La fatchia.


Spray tan, make this white canvas a hearty gold spray tan for the one that got away.

Manifest potential.

Create desire.

Don't wanna forget that undercarriage.

Gotta paint that taint.

Ma'am, we have a saying here at the office.

Uh, why rent a wheelchair when you can rent to own a wheelchair, when paralysis is using pretty permanent.

I have news.

Yeah, so are you thinking manual or electric?


[dial tone]

That was a sales call.

Oh, my hand slipped.

Listen, big things are happening with Derrick.

Big, big, big things.

I thought you were gonna take some time to figure out if you liked him back.

I did. I was on that Tinder date for like a full half hour to 45 minutes.

Look, what this is.

It's a flyer to Derrick's storytelling show.

Ugh! That's awful.

No, it's not. He invited me to it.

It's like a second date.

Well, maybe he does like you.

Duh! Yes!

First breakfast, now his career.

Our lives are weaving together.


Derrick is in love with me.

Totally, utterly in love with me.

And I think I'm ready to be in a relationship.

Okay, so just to clarify, you are suddenly ready to be in a relationship because you think that he is in love with you?


How very empowered of you.

Thank you.

I hate to be the Miranda in your life, but are you really ready for a relationship?


I'm a grown-ass woman in love! [laughing]

I'm in love.

And I'm going through perimenopause.

So we both have things.

♪ ♪
Honestly, it is a crime against nature that my natural skin tone isn't Nantucket Bronze.

Mm, look at this makeup.

Is this not the makeup of a woman in a relationship?

Devin: You look gorgeous.

Look at us. Two friends finding love.

You found Flynn?

No, he's not on any social media.

Yo, that's pretty dope.

Yeah, he is pretty dope.

Anyways, I hired an online private eye.

I should have his info any minute now.

Devin, can we just sit for a moment and take in how mature we are in our love relationships?

We're so mature that our life fits the commercial block from like 2:30 a.m. 'til 6 a.m.

Like, "Mesothelioma."

"Oh my God, I can't sleep. What is mesothelioma?"

We're like two old ladies waiting for soup at a diner mature.

Like those people who don't have any teeth and have to wear dentures and like, [mumbling] "You know what? I'm gonna eat some pasta, because pasta is every good for my gums."

Thank you.

Yes, thank you.


Derrick: You made it.

Hey, thank you so much for inviting me.

I'm excited to see you perform.


I'd better get backstage for my preshow ritual.

I pound a beer.


You look hot.

Oooh, thank you.

I'm melting.

'Cause I'm so... hot.


Is anyone sitting there?

Oh, no.

Normally my boyfriend, Derrick... ooh, that word sounds good in my mouth.

My boyfriend would sit next to me, but he's one of the storytellers.


Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh no, it's okay.

I have a boyfriend.



Hey, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

Tonight's theme is childhood.

[cup hits floor]

I will begin with the first story of the evening.


I'm grateful... my parents decided to split up during the summer.

Because I didn't have to hear their fighting... over the sounds of the cicadas.

With Dad gone, I... was now the man of the house... at the ripe, old age of 14.

"You coming to my baseball game, Dad?"

"Sure am, Son."

Did he?

He was the coach. He was forced to be there.

Shouldn't you wait for your boyfriend to finish?

Stop saying boyfriend.

Well, that's America for ya!

Land of the free, home of the divorced.

Eeh, too much.

"Where you going, Dad?

"How do I contact you?

Where you living?"

"I'm living Sharon, Son."

"Who's Sharon?

Do I call her Mom now?"

No, you're not Mom, Sharon!

You're not my mom!

Oh, no, no, no, no.


The lighting is all bad.

I look like Sam Kinison.


I'm meeting a former lover, and the lighting's actually perfect right here.

Get out!

Scurry along!

Have a great night though.



Oh, my precious little Flynn.

I should have kissed you when I had the chance in the Palm Desert.

But I was too scared, and very high on ketamine.

But that's all in the past.

Well, luckily, we have the present.

And the future.

I'm glad you reached out.

No, don't!

I'm sorry, I can't.

What's wrong?

I just can't.

♪ If I could see ♪

V, we gotta talk about Derrick's show.

What happened? Was he bad?

Nicole: No, he was good.

It was just so unsettling listening to him talk about his parent's divorce.

I know what happened.

He went from being a sex buddy to a real, live human being.

I know.

If I was his girlfriend, he'd expect me to listen to like all his stuff and his problems.

That's what a relationship is.

It's people talking about real shit.

You know, I never thought of him as like a person.

I just thought of him as like... flesh formed around a really good d*ck.

Aren't relationships supposed to be easy?

That's what literally no one says.

I just want love.


Just like real love with real passion.

You'll find it.

There's plenty of time.

You're only 25.

Maybe I'm too young to be in a relationship.

You know, I can't be Derrick's girlfriend.

I need to be free.

I think that's a good choice, Nicole.

I mean...

Nicole: Ah, not now, Veronica!

I'm a bird.

I'm a big, black beautiful bird.

[iron sizzling]

Oh shit, I'm burning this.

See, I'm a bird.

I need to be free.

I can't be caged.

What are you talking about?

I need my wings!

Please don't mess with me.

I took a lot of edibles after my show.

It's just... I like sleeping with you, Derrick.

The sex with you is... ooh-wee, it is so good.

But I'm not ready to be in a relationship.

I'm too young.

I have too many things that I wanna accomplish.

Okay, listen...

I don't wanna hurt you.

I care about you.

It's not you, it's me.

Okay, just slow down, let me figure this out, okay?


Are we still gonna have sex?


Okay, good.

What exactly is changing?

I guess nothing.




So to be clear, nothing is changing.

Got it.

I kinda wanna doink you right now.

I kinda want you to doink me.






Oh, before I forget.


You owe me $14 for breakfast.



Oh, and my landlord got rid of the pantry moths, so we don't have to leave if we wanna eat.



I have something you can eat.

What is it?

It's an euphemism. I'm trying to be sexy.

Nicole: Just take off your clothes, come on.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

What are we toasting?

Oh, that Veronica is happy that I have decided to keep being sex buddies with Derrick.

And she is not going to have a relationship with him.


Ooh, that's a good call.

I don't like him for you.

Weren't you the one telling Nicole that this was true love?

I'm over it.

I'm totally down on love right now.

Oh no.

What happened with Flynn?

He just let himself go.

It was like he took his face off and put on a leather sculpture of John C. Reilly.

I hate to Miranda again, but did he really let himself go?

Or did you just do that thing where you build something up so much in your head that it can't live up to expectations?

I don't wanna talk about it.


So the cyborg was right about love.

I begrudgingly accept defeat.


Oh yeah, my friends.

But seriously, Nicole, I'm happy for you.

In your own very Nicole way, you were really mature about this.

Ah, thanks.

I'll have a relationship when I'm ready.

Yeah, when?

When I have sampled all 31 flavors of d*ck.

Oooh, yes.

Oh, there goes rum raisin. Yes, Daddy, mm.

How is he a rum raisin?

'Cause he's Puerto Rican, and he's got all moles on his face.

I'm gonna play connect the dots with my tongue. Bye.

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