01x01 - Meth(od)

[bunniefuu]

Barber: How you living?

The Guy: I'm good, man.

Good.

So what I can do for you today?

I'm thinking just a little off the top.

Nothing... nothing too drastic.

I see this man on subway today who look like you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and I think, I want to try haircut like his for you.

Okay.

But his hair was much thicker.

Well, you know, mine's going, and I'm okay with it.

Yeah, no kidding it's going.

I can't do anything with this hair anymore.

This is not enough.

There's... there's a good amount of hair.

There's good amount, but listen, I am a barber, not a magician.

But I will do what I can.

Okay.

(phone chirping)

Hey, Johnny. What's up, man?

What's up, my man? I need some weed, brother.

Uh...

ASAP.

Look... Hold on. Excuse me.

Absolutely.

Um...

Take your time.

It's gonna be probably like two hours.

f*ck, man.

Okay, well, just so you know, I'm hurtin'.

So with the quickness, please.

Yeah, I'll see what I can do, man.

All right. You do that.

You want to come back in two hours?

No, I... I just gotta get back to work, but, uh...

Okay, good. That's...

Just do the top.

Just the top? Okay.

This is even simple.

Just the top.

This is like you go to your mechanic in car and you say, "Only fix the bumper.

Don't fix the engine."

It makes no sense, but I will do it.

Spasiba.

Pajalusta.

♪ ♪

Johnny: Why are you embarrassed? You look f*cking hot!

Lisa: Why are you talking like this?

You sound like you're out of your f*cking mind!

You sound like you're out of your f*cking mind 'cause why would you invest all this time and money into belly dancing classes and then not want to dance for anyone?

Because I'm not dancing for you and your stupid little friends, you f*cking idiots!

Hey, well, excuse me!

I guess I can't f*cking do anything right, can I?

No, you can't do anything right!

I'm just the worst boyfriend ever.

I mean, like seriously?

In the universe.

Do you hear yourself?

You're trying to act like some bad-ass, "Fast and the Furious" whatever Vin Diesel type sh*t this is, and, you know, Hey, hey, hey, all right, let's just cool out, babe.

I can't even stand this sh*t anymore.

Cool out?

Yeah.

You're f*cking crazy!

Don't hit my flat!

I will do whatever the f*ck I want in your flat!

Listen, let's just talk.

Cool out. I can't f*cking cool out.

You cool out!

Who?

Just like last night like when you were, you were doing with that f*cking dude in the club.

I mean, seriously!

You mean when I was protecting you from that assh*le thug?

Protecting me? You call that protecting me?

Yes. That's one of my love languages, protection.

He was trying to get to the bathroom and it was crowded!

My God! Oh, oh.

You think I don't know that trick?

You think I don't know that trick?

Oh, a trick?

I'm trying to keep you safe.

You know what? You're insane.

You're f*cking insane.

Stop calling me crazy!

I didn't call you crazy!

I called you insane!

And I'm done! f*ck you, and f*ck you!

What? Hey! Hey!

What the f*ck did Chauncey do? Nothing.

You need to apologize.

Whatever.

Look, please, Lisa, don't leave.

Whatever. f*ck off.

No. I'm leaving.

Goddammit, Lisa.

If you leave you out that door, you ain't coming back.

Watch.

Lisa, don't leave!

Goddammit!

What the f*ck you doing out there, brother? Come in.

I was just giving you a minute, man.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

She needs a minute.

Lisa: You need a minute!

f*cking crazy woman!

You're f*cking crazy!

Man.

She's gorgeous though, right?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you saw her.

Don't get any ideas.

Okay?

I...

No, no...

Kidding.

Oh. She wouldn't go for you.

You're not her type.

She likes a more clean, put together... presentation.

You know.

Yeah.

Uh... sorry to hear you guys are having troubles, man.

Yeah.

This is a, uh, sativa, indica.

Those are a hundred...

She said some pretty cold sh*t to me just now.

Oh. Yeah.

Telling me that I'm selfish.

But do you know how much sh*t that I do for her?

No.

(scoffs)

She doesn't even realize how much sh*t that I sacrifice to keep this relationship going.

I mean, 'cause believe me, I got ample opportunity for p*ssy every time I hit that door. Ain't that right Chauncey?

Mm.

Chauncey know.

Me too.

(bong burbling)

(holding breath)

That's what I'm saying, man.

Oh, I can't, man. I gotta...

What, you don't want to smoke with us?

No, I just have other clients I gotta get to, so, uh...

You want me to just leave the money on the counter like you're a hooker?

No, I... I...

Ohh.

I know.

I know.

You think I'm some kind of loser, right?

No, I...

Like I don't know how to keep a woman satisfied.

I didn't say that.

Right. What kind of guy am I? I get it. I get it. I get it!

(continues punching)

Hey, hey, I... I can have a hit.

I'll take a hit.

(lighter flicks)

(bong burbles)

Nice, brother.

Still pulling? We got more.

You got more.

(coughs)

In Denmark, they tax the prostitutes is all I'm saying.

Uruguay, it's all legal.

Sss! dr*gs and prostitutes.

Yeah, yeah.

Sss!

It's part of the culture there.

Cool, man. You know a lot about... prostitutes.

It's really impressive.

Hey, what do you think of my arms?

What about you?

Think my arms are jacked?

Yeah, man. They're jacked.

Yeah. I think so, too.

Cool arms.

So listen, you got the Dank Sinatra, and then you got a quarter of O.G. Kush, so that's... that's $200, man.

Hey, uh... would you, uh, ever want to start one of those customer loyalty programs like buy one, get one free, you know, for people like me?

Uh...

I can't do that 'cause I don't...

My business isn't going well enough to give away free product.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

Even after I invite you into my home, give you hospitality, serve you my special mate?

Mate.

Mate.

No...

Doesn't that count for anything?

Oh, no, it really does. I appreciate it, man, and like I said...

Well, what about, like, a free joint or something?

You know, I don't have any pre-rolled, so I can't...

Well, f*ck, I'll roll one.

Chauncey, roll a spliff, will ya?

Whoa, what's the rush?

Colin says you hang out and smoke with him all the time.

I know, but, you know, when I have time, I do 'cause, you know, we've known each other a while, we're friends, and...

What, we're not friends?

We're friends.

I just...

I've only met you twice, so...

I didn't think to say we were friends yet.

I'm kidding.

Oh. Okay.

I know, I'm a customer.

Okay.

I get it.

I get it too.

But I'm in your top five customer-wise though, right?

Oh, yeah. You're... You're my favorite customer.

Look, Johnny, I really gotta get going.

I'm very busy right now, okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

Sss!

Sss!

You look cool with that katana, brother.

Thank you.

You should consider getting one.

(rap music playing)

♪ We getting them b*tches is all in our faces ♪
♪ I know that they know ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

(lighter flicking)

(phone chimes)

♪ Pour up the lean, roll up the smoke ♪
♪ Pour up the lean, roll up the smoke ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ayy ♪
♪ We go ♪
♪ Ayy ♪

(footsteps ascending)

So let's count these out.

Oh, no, man.

I... No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.

I need... I need cash.

I'm not carrying around, like, a heavy can of change or anything like that.

Well, f*ck, bro.

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you could probably afford to do some lifting.

Um...

I'm surprised all that bike riding doesn't' keep you...

Hey careful!

Oh, God.

This is an authentic samurai sword forged at the base of Mount Fuji.

I... I really gotta get to...

You should do some high intensity intervals if you want to lose that gut.

Mm-hmm.

You could even do 'em on that bike of yours.

Yeah.

I highly recommend one of these guys.

Couple sets of these every day... (grunts) those coins wouldn't be so heavy for you, would they?

(panting)

(panting)

Yeah, I guess you're right.

So I'm...

I need $200 in cash, man.

Please?

Listen, bro, if you're business isn't doing too well, I can lend you some cash at a low interest rate of course.

Yeah? Oh, thanks. It's not that.

It's just that I have other people who are waiting for me to come to them.

Oh! How 'bout this?

I could help you out by coming on as a consultant.

Like for... for example, maybe if you hired some employees, you could sell more weed!

That one's free.

That's a great idea.

I'll think about it.

So, you know I would ask for half.

Of course. Of course.

(phone rings)

Oh, hold on one second. This is Lisa right here.

Oh.

Hold on.

Are you calling 'cause you're ready to talk reasonably?

Wait, what?

(rap music playing)

Johnny: Who said that to you? That's f*cking bullshit.

Hey, man.

I did not. That's bullshit! I did not.

If... if she's the one who told you that, then yes, your sister is a liar.

Well, I would tell her if she wants to come over here and say that to my face, and show me her said proof, then maybe we can talk.

But that is bullshit because it didn't happen.

You guys roommates?

Yeah!

Uh-huh.

What's up, baby? Don't talk like that.

Okay? Don't talk like that.

Thank you.

On top of everything else, I didn't do anything at all, so there's no "on top of" and there's no this!

I'm just gonna...

I'm watching, I'm... But you're not listening!

I'm talking to my girlfriend.

Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Johnny: I love you.

Thank you.

(footsteps ascending)

Where the f*ck did he go?

(Cockney accent) He left.

(English accent) Really?

Just like that?

Mm. I told him, "Keep the change, you filthy animal."

"Home Alone." Nice, mate. Good one.

So what'd you think? How was it?

Your accent was a little wonky in certain places, but I don't want to get into that.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Right.

Can't say "flat."

It's just a dead giveaway.

And I don't know if they say "spliff" here.

Doesn't even matter. Listen.

The character is coming along quite nicely.

It's a great exercise. Very helpful.

Tell you what, they see this next week in class, it's gonna knock their tits off. Watch.

(American accent) Keep the change, you filthy animal. f*cking A.

(chuckles)

This is falling off my face. Great.

Okay, quick photo. Do the, um, square one.

Here's mine.

I know how to use an iPhone, babe.

Okay, cool.

But, ladies, keep your legs together because after a long day at work, I don't want to see that!

(all laugh)

Hey, Tabs, I'm looking at you.

I don't want to see that. Lock that up.

Sorry.

Who else wishes Max was straight?

Back off, bitch. Get your own gay husband.

Oh, wait, you're marrying him next month.

Okay, ladies, everybody say, "I tell my boyfriend he's normal-sized!"

I do!

Max, just take the f*cking picture.

Say, "Beyoncé!"

All: Beyoncé!

(phone shutter clicks)

Yas, kweens!

Oh, my God, you're k*lling it. Work!

Yas, kween.

Work. Yas.

It's like, we get it, you have access to social media.

Okay, what about the one who said she used to roofie herself?

Yeah, we all did that, but I know who you're talking about: Courtney.

She's crazy. She was telling me about all her abortions.

Yeah, we used to say Planned Parenthood gave her a punch card.

Okay, that sounds like a Chelsea Handler joke.

I will Google it.

(party music playing)

Max, can you fix my braids? They're coming loose.

Yes, baby, but I need bobby pins 'cause y'all cleaned me out.

Know what I'm saying?

Oh, I have three words for y'all!

New Orleans spring break!

Oww!

Go get us bobby pins.

Okay.

Oh, also, we are out of vodka.

Aren't you going out later?

Yeah.

But we wanna do vodka tampons.

(retches)

♪ Yeah, I'm a diva ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Open your eyes ♪
♪ And every little kiss ♪
♪ Oh, take me with you ♪
♪ Take me back ♪
♪ Oh, take me ♪

(both grunting)

(furniture creaks)

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

What is your rent like?

You heard about the whole debacle with the swing snapping, right?

That did not happen.

Oh, man, it was so bad.

This poor, dear older woman went down.

No, please.

You could hear it echo throughout the entire Armory.

Oh, my God.

Luckily, nobody got hurt. But, I mean, you could just imagine her poor, frail bones just getting pulverized.

If you watch "The Artist is Present" documentary, you can see me in the background when that naked girl gets escorted out by the guards.

Uh-huh.

And I'm, like, giving here a look.

I'm like...

(chuckles)

She's actually my friend. That's Josephine.

She's a genius filmmaker.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And what's your name, by the way?

I'm Max.

Nice to meet you, Max.

You might remember me from when I was eating out your assh*le.

You know, I thought you looked familiar from somewhere.

Yeah.

I'm Sebastian.

Oh, cool.

(phone chimes)

Oh, sorry.

Would you...

Sure. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Sorry.

Oh, sh*t. I gotta go, man.

Um, it was a pleasure to f*ck you, Max.

You haven't seen my jumpsuit anywhere, have you?

What? Are you going somewhere fun? Can I come?

Um, um, I actually have to go to a meeting.

I'm in recovery.

(phone chimes)

I'm actually in recovery too. I am, too.

Yeah?

And I'm really overdue for a meeting.

Well, maybe we should go together.

I'd love that.

Hey, y'all. I'm Darnell. Addict.

All: Hi, Darnell.

Hey, everybody.

Today, girl... if I make it through this day without smoking tina, then it is literally by the grace of God and it had nothing to do with me.

Everything's a trigger today. Everything. Like a shoe.

Like, oh, I remember that time I saw that shoe.

When I was smoking that tina and then I was, like, blowing that guy behind the dumpster. It was, like, literally like that.

So I'm at the, um, laundromat and this song comes on.

Within like the first two notes of the song, I look down and I'm like, "All right. Yeah, now is the time to get a boner."

This is when... this is when you really want one, right?

At the laundromat!

(laughter)

When you're looking at some lady named Wanda.

Right? Me and Wanda. I'm like, "Hey, Wanda."

She's over there just clueless.

She's like, "Oh it's so good to see you, Darnell!"

I'm like, "Apparently not as good as it is to see you, honey."

(all laughing)

What I'm supposed to say is addicts have two days.

You have good days and you have great days.

A good day is when, like, everything goes like, your way and you don't use, and then a great day is when literally nothing goes your way and you still don't use.

So, this is gonna be a great f*cking day, all right?

Her boyfriend was just stumbling around Brooklyn like a Polack on Christmas.

Oh, my God.

Just remind me never to go out with those people again.

Okay, I will.

(groans)

I need, like, the biggest, narstiest breakfast sandwich to soak up all this alcohol. (gasps)

Ooh, there's biscuits with sausage gravy.

Oh, my God!

(all laughing)

(mockingly) Oh, my God, I love you!

Oh, hey, boo, um, can you pay for this today?

I left my card at the bar last night.

Yeah, boo, but I need you to pay me back this time.

Oh, hey, what'd you get up to last night?

I lost you after that horse-faced girl fell down.

I did my sex app.

I told you to stop doing that.

I know.

You're right, it's bad.

Ugh. Can I get you guys some drinks?

Oh, yeah. I think we should get some Bloody Marys.

Oh, none for me. Thanks.

'Cause I have reflux.

But, um, can I just get, like, the mix?

So this thing on Friday starts at 9:00, so I think we should, you know, go out beforehand.

Get some dranks, get there around 10:30.

I'm gonna have to meet you there because I am...

I have to go to my friend's play reading.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Not enough money in the world.

Truly. It's horrible.

Yeah, I'll see you later after that.

I can't... Like...

I can't believe I have to go to that.

Hi, I'm Sebastian. I'm an addict.

Group: Hi, Sebastian.

My name is Marco and I'm an addict.

Hi, I'm Joel. I'm an addict.

She put all of these hopes on me and so what I did to combat that was to be, a... A f*cked up whore.

And, um...

Lainey: Oh, my God, look at this family I saw on the way home from work yesterday.

Like, really, you guys?

You're all in wheelchairs?

You're a regular Vivian Maier.

And then at one point, he's like, very romantically, "Uh, I gotta take a sh*t."

And I found myself going, "Why don't you just go in the bed?"

(all laugh)

Ugh, I'm so hungry!

Food! I want food!

My name is Panda and I wanna eat!

Maxie! Hi!

Oh, my God, Panda.

Feed me!

Feed me, feed me!

Panda, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

(chattering)

We got it!

No, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.

Just that when I post something, I really need you to favorite it because otherwise, I just get all in my head!

Oh, boo, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I just get lazy about that stuff.

I... I have to go to the boys room.

Do you have the coke?

(toilet flushes)

I just want to say that if you're new, um, we're so happy to have you here because, um, you are the lifeblood of this program.

And, um, I'm so grateful that I'm sober because if I wasn't sober, I would probably be, um...

(phone vibrating)

(vibrating continues)

Is someone's phone going off?

I'm sorry, we... Turn your phone off.

Like, we don't have phones on.

Totally lost my train of thought.

I think I'm just gonna wrap there.

Thanks for letting me share.

Group: Thanks, Jason.

Did you talk to Max about that job?

No. God, thank you.

Keep forgetting to mention it.

Listen, um, my friend Scott is a publicist and he is hiring right now, and he has amazing clients like the Met Ball and sh*t like that.

What?

So, it would be an entry-level thing, but I don't know, would that ever interest you?

Yes. I...

Yeah?

I'm wasting away in retail hell right now.

Perfect.

Uh, I invited him to come to dinner later after group, so I'll make it happen.

Totally.

I'm making White Russians.

I don't want any. Thank you.

Are you being good and not doing carbs?

f*cking hate you right now.

Well, I am super bloated and cramping.

So, I don't give a f*ck about anything.

Hey, will you braid my hair tonight?

I was actually just about to leave.

What? No!

I know.

I'm sorry.

I just spent all week DVRing "Real Housewives."

Don't you just want to put on elastic waist pants and be a fat garbage monster on the couch with me?

Yes.

So badly, but I told him I'd go to this stupid play reading thing.

Another reading? Who's this friend?

This is f*cking excessive.

It's horrible. Imagine how I feel.

But I'll be done by midnight and I can text you when I'm on my way and you can let me know what you want me to bring you home.

Okay.

Have fun!

Okay!

I love you!

(door closes)

Uh... nope.

Um...

sh*t.

(grunts)

Hey!

What are you doing?

Locking my bike.

It's a memorial.

Yeah, I know, but there's nowhere else to lock up. I'll be five minutes.

Still. It's disrespectful.

Well, I think in this case, the deceased might have understood.

I'm gonna be five minutes.

Max: Oh, God. Hi.

Okay, I have been coming to this chapter for a few weeks now.

Oh, sorry. My name is Max.

Um, and I haven't shared before today.

Oh, sorry, and I'm an addict.

Group: Hi, Max.

(chuckles)

I forgot.

Um, but I've been feeling really uplifted by you guys.

I don't know. And I just, uh...

I had a profound realization thanks to you, and it's... it seems kind of obvious and dumb, but I...

I don't know. Being around you fine people, I just... It's brought a lot to light for me, so...

Okay.

Crystal came into my life junior year, Florida State.

And I don't feel like I've had a day without crystal since then.

It's like crystal has silently taken over my life and I don't feel like there's space for me in it anymore.

Like... crystal decides everything for me.

You know? Like... and I feel like a f*cking piece of sh*t just being controlled.

I'm... I'm f*cking in her control.

Like, crystal doesn't care what I want.

Uh, crystal just cares about crystal.

Mm-hmm. That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And yet, sometimes I think I want to be crystal, and those are my darkest days because I'm... I'm spending all my f*cking time and energy being a gay clown for crystal.

And why? It... Like, crystal won't pay me back the f*cking money I've spent on her.

Crystal won't be there for me when I'm spending my birthday wondering if this is the day my mom's gonna call me.

Crystal demands all the attention.

Crystal demands all the attention and she won't be satisfied until I'm completely drained of life force, of everything.

And she's very r*cist.

He's never even tried crystal meth, you guys!

Cute monologue though.

Is this your little play reading?

This is a closed meeting.

Settle down, Cherry Jones.

Sebastian: You need to leave. Do you know her? This woman?

Lainey: Okay, Neil Patrick Harris!

Jason: Wow.

Get out.

♪ ♪

Oh! Watch out!

Dammit, man!

You watch it. No bike lane.

Come on!

(phone chirps)

Hello?

Max: Hey, so I know you said I shouldn't call you or whatever or I shouldn't call you back or anything, but I did something really stupid and I really need to meet up and chill out with your stuff, man. It's like totally an emergency!

I just found this phone on the street.

You what?

I'm the delivery driver. I just found this phone.

That's my friend's phone! I'll take it for him.

I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway. Let's meet up! Where are you?

Thank you so much! I have cash!

Is it? Phone says "assh*le."

Really? Oh! That's a high school nickname.

We're friends forever. Always will be friends.

But where are you? Like I said, I have cash.

How much?

(club music playing)

Excellent song choice!

Yeah, boy!

Do you sleep back there?

Yeah. There's a futon in the dressing room.

This is very on point for you, man.

Yeah, I love it.

The only trouble is there's no shower 'cause it's a theater.

But, um, there's a cheap gym around the corner.

So, I do that.

Very, very Chad.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

Wait, are you saying "Chad" in a pejorative sense?

I think so.

You...

Ye-oww!

All right, man. Please? I need a phone.

Can I just get a phone please?

Shane? Shane?

Shane: Yeah?

Wh... where's the rest of your battleship?

I don't know!

You're really... You're up to 11 over here.

All right?

Good!

There's so much to do.

(phone chirps)

Hello, how may I help you this evening?

How may I help you this evening?

Max: Thank you for calling.

What? Hello?

What location can I find you at tonight where I can assist you with your weed?

Uh...

Who is this? This is my phone.

Hello, Congresswoman.

I've been waiting for this moment.

The person who found your phone, a man, entrusted me.

He t... and told me to give you your phone, which I will do, but it's going to cost you.

(chuckles) You're gonna come meet me with a Prada Inside bag, okay?

Full of cash and whatever dr*gs you have.

I don't know if you have any dr*gs right now.

You can meet me here or I can meet you there 'cause there's Uber on my phone.

What the f*ck?

What are you doing with my phone, man?

Calm down for a second!

What?

If you just be quiet, I can tell you!

I know this guy. He f*cking sucks.

People have been calling you all night, so I know you're making crazy money!

Show me the money!

That's hilarious because my first real blowjob was in eighth grade from Corey Jacobson while "Jerry Maguire" was playing on VHS!

I'll give you a blowjob right now!

Okay! Sounds great!

What did I tell you? More money? More...

Max: Now...

Shut up.

Where are we gonna have our meet?

Meet? What do you mean meet?

Our little tête-à-tête.

Our little pas de deux.

That's not gonna happen, man.

I'm just gonna erase this phone.

Oh no! Oh no!

Yeah.

He's like Mr. Robot or some sh*t!

He's erasing the phone!

Pretty sad.

But will you still come sell us weed?

Hey, man, get help.

Dude!

Damn.

I'm sorry, man. That sucks.

Well, thank you for that.

It's impressive you can just erase your burner like that.

It's not a burner. It's an iPhone.

Uh, where do I put this?

Meh. Wherever.

All right.

There you go.

Well, thank you very much, Chad.

Yeah. Any time, man.

Doors open, except twice on Saturdays and every night at 7:00.

Cool.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm great.

You sure?

Wanna use my shower?

I'd like that.

All right. Come on, man.

You gonna turn off the light?

No.

I don't know how.

Tabs: That's crazy! Did you call his parents?

Lainey: No. I don't have his parents' numbers.

Oh, God, leave it to Max to be such a drama queen about this.

Two days is a long time.

Oh, hang on, Tabs.

He's coming. I'll call you back.

Oh, okay.

Max!

Hi, Lainey.

Jesus Christ! Where have you been?

Hi, Lainey! Hi!

I was getting ready to tweet about your disappearance!

How am I supposed to know?

No, because, you know, he told me it was my birthday.

I don't know. Well, argh! I don't know what to do.

I did it, Lainey. I did meth.

You know how I'd never done it before and I was being a fraud? I knew it. Now they all know.

They all know I'm a fraud and I will never go to the Met ball!

Okay.

I would've put you on the list, you f*cking bitch!

I don't know! There's no vegetation in here.

It's not something that we do, and if you don't have green in the kitchen, what are you supposed to do?

I f*cked Shane. Party and play. Party and play!

Party and play, y'all!

We met on my phone and we did meth, and it's fun.

We've been just f*cking for days I think.

For a year! Happy New Year, baby!

What's up?

Shane's mom's name is Anita, and Anita has lupus.

Lainey, is everybody named Shane a quarter Cherokee with a lupus mom? 'Cause I think that's a thing.

But now I can be friends with Belle and Sebastian.

I mean, Joel and Sebastian, because I know what their lives are like and I... I just know. I just know because I already am living that and I... I'm all the things and I'm taking things to the top!

♪ And you know I'm gonna make it, baby ♪

And we all know how that turns out.

(singing)

Oh, my God, Max!

You're gonna die when you see this!

Look at your little butt!

Oh, my God! Look at your little penis!

♪ What we all know ♪

(laughs)

Oh, my God! It wiggled around!

You ruined me!

You'd still be wearing bootcut jeans if it wasn't for me!

You f*cking f*g hag!

(gasps) Aah! Aah! My face!

Goddammit, Max!

My face! My leg!

You f*cking cu...

And she's pissed because her daughter got the same face as her, only I don't think she really realizes it, but on some level, she knows.

She's really resentful about it.

Maybe I'll get that face too.

(gasps) Oh, my God! Max!

(chuckles lowly)

That was funny.

You're doing so good today.

Is it time for another?

Hit me.

(grunts)

Why didn't the doctor give me pills?

'Cause you were on meth, you f*ck-tard.

How'd he know?

Well, first of all, you were acting, like, totally insane.

I also showed him the video.

Oh, my God, hey, oh, my God, people have lupus!

Isn't that a thing? It's a thing! It's a thing!

Ha ha, lupus.

(chuckles lowly)

Mm.

And can we talk about how lucky you are that I still had my Percocet prescription?

Mm.

I'm the luckiest boy in the world.

Hmm.

Yeah.

You are.

Can you braid my hair?