01x03 - Six Hour Braid

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x03 - Six Hour Braid

Post by bunniefuu »

[exhales] Man, sorry, I was so rough.

I ate vegetables the other day that really amped me up.

Devin brought home this like green leafy thing, and I was just like, "Uh-huh, never again."

That's the great thing about being an adult.

You can do whatever you want.



If you come over tomorrow, can you bring some ketchup?


No, sorry.

Devin and I are throwing this like '90's party.

Everyone's coming as like a '90's character.

Veronica's gonna be Rachel from "Friends."

Mm, maybe I'll come by or whatever.

Did you just say you wanted to come?

Yeah. It sounds dope.

Oh, wow, really?

Cool. Oh, that's really cool. [laughs]

I guess I could just, you know, text you my address or like whatever.

Now is it cool if I like don't wear a costume?

I mean, everyone else will be wearing one...

Thanks, babe.

♪ Derrick is coming to my party ♪
♪ Coming to my party ♪
♪ Coming to my party with his big old d*ck ♪
♪ Big old d*ck, big old d*ck ♪
♪ Big old d*ck like a baseball bat ♪♪

Ooh, check out this cute guy I matched with on Tinder.

Let me see.

Eeeeeh, uh, no, no, no way.

Why not?

I mean, look, it says he's a 29-year-old promoter who likes snowboarding.

Yeah, so?

Yeah, well, on Tinder, 29 means 40.

Promoter means unemployed.

And snowboarder?

That means he's gonna try to put in your butt.

How do you know that?

Because I once had a snowboarder say, "Yo, what up, girl?"

And, see, just slide right on in.

I just got off the phone with my therapist, Dr. Sheila.

Hi, Devin.


Shut up. I have to do this.

Nicole, you owe me $150 for the electric bill.

And I've asked you four times.

I need you to pay me.

Oh no, how'd that happen?

That's a lot.

Listen, I got you tomorrow, Boo-boo.

Come on, we should... No, Nicole.

Not today, you've been telling me, "Oh, I'll get you tomorrow," for over 300 days.

And it's starting to make me feel less than.

Okay, all right, Devin.

I just gotta say, this new confrontational you is so powerful and skinny.

No, not today, Nicole.


Yeah, your waist so small.

Oh, yeah.

You're right, I feel it.

It's like a little straw.

Ooh, suck me up, I'm so tiny.

[in baby voice] Oh my goodness, you so tiny.

Oh no, where do you go?

Devin: I could just slip into a cr*ck.

Oh, you just went through a cr*ck.

Ooh, where did I go?

Where am I?

No, no, Devin, don't fall for this.

If anything, you're getting bigger.

You're getting like lady hips.

My dad was very hippy, okay?

Nicole, I need that 150.

I can't keep covering for you.

I don't have any money.

I literally have five dollars to my name.

Didn't you just spend like $1,200 on a wig at Ebony Crowns last week?


That's why I don't have any money.

But I will pay you back.

Listen, this is all a part of the journey.

We're all out here in these streets struggling for my dream.


I guess I'll cover for you yet again.

Thank you.

Honestly, this has been a very stressful morning for me.

And I think I have more than earned some fro-yo.

You did.

I'm gonna get an [unintelligible].

Oh, dang, girl, get them berries.


Nicole: Bye.

Man, I was really looking forward to going to my first African hair salon.

Oh, no, we are going.

I'm getting my hair braided.

I'm going as Janet Jackson from "Poetic Justice."

Yeah, but you don't have any money.

I have hair-braiding money.

I don't have bill-paying money.

This isn't complicated.

Didn't you go to college?

Yeah, but we didn't study nonsense economics.

Hey now.

[phone dings]

Oh, yeah.

He asked if I would put it in my butt.

You should do it.

Listen, Oprah says, "You gotta open yourself to new experiences."

I know she wasn't specifically talking about buttholes, but like... get in there.

Again, from the top.

Welcome to the Hollywood Shame Bus.

I'm your guide, Chace.

To your left, you'll see the lot where a bald Britney Spears att*cked her car with an umbrella.

Okay. We're getting somewhere, I guess. Yeah.

Imagine you're one of our clients, Chace.

You're from some Midwestern hellhole.

Where are you from again?

Royal Okay, Michigan.

Yes, that's perfect.

That hellhole.

Okay, so you're on this bus.

This is your one chance to feel better than a rich celebrity who got caught slippin'.

This is very important work, Chace.

Wow, that's so deep.

And very seasoned.

What's the name of the hooker Hugh Grant picked up?

Dawn Brown?

[sighs] It's Divine Brown, you maroon.

And I honestly don't have the time or the energy to deal with you right now.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not!

I'm planning a '90's party all by myself.

And my plantar fasciitis is flaring up!

Wow, your life is like a movie.

Think I could come to your party?

I don't know many people in L.A. yet, and this could be like a great opportunity...

Ssssh, stop, no.

You know Professional Devin.

You're not ready to meet Party Devin.

It's too much.

That's too much for you.

Honestly, sometimes, it's too much for me.

So I can't come?

It's probably best that you don't.

Hollywood Shame Bus.


Very seasoned.

That was amazing.

Derrick's coming to the party?

Dressed as what?

A short text message?

Be happy for me.

We've been doing it for a long time, and he hasn't been to my place yet.

Oh. That is kinda a big deal.

Tell me about it.

♪ I'm having home sex ♪
♪ Sex in my own bed ♪
♪ I'm gonna good use the good vibrator ♪
♪ The one that plugs in ♪♪

Oooh, oooh.

[laughing] Okay.

Is this it?

One hundred perfect human hair.

Where do they get it?

We don't ask.


All right, so when we get in there, you watch, no talking.


Because this isn't the kind of place that puts the prices on the wall.

They charge you based on how much money they think you have, which is why I try to look as poor as possible to get a good deal.

But you are poor.

Yeah, but I don't present as poor.

Hold this.

Okay, you're not gonna be proud of what happens next.

I know I'm setting my people back.

Just know it kills me inside, but it is necessary.


Nicole: All right, let's do this.

[bell rings]

I need box braids.

How much you all do 'em for?

How much you wannna pay, sista?

A hundred.

Hundred dollars is too low. Two fifty.

Who do I look like? Beyoncé?

I ain't got two "fiddy."

Two fifty is what it is.

Mm, okay.

Go on, you tell my kids they ain't getting Pampers this month.

Two hundred, lowest price.

My sister Neesha got them here for a hundred.

That's what I'm paying.

One fifty.

Mm, okay. I'm gonna go to the library.


I'm gonna hop on Yelp, I'm gonna give you half a star.

And I'm gonna say you all ripped out my edges.

That is ice cold.

But I respect that, 100.


Now who is this white lady?

Oh, she...


Let her answer.

I'm from NPR.

I'm doing a piece on the beauty culture of working class women.

Promote me on this show, I'll do your nail 50% off.

Deal. [laughs]

I love Ira Glass.

Have you ever thought of a Senegalese podcast on NPR?

I don't really make programming decisions.

In my country, I was Minister of Programming.

I had a morning show, [speaking foreign language].

Oh, what's that mean?

What's up, Senegal?

Hey, hey, hey, good day, ladies.

I got earrings, I got socks.

I got mace for their face.

Ladies, I got mace for their face.

Yo, hustle man!

Oh, well, this looks handy.

Twenty-five dollars.


I only have ten.


Yo, what you got in there? I'm hungry.

Oh, oh, I got Soul Food, Mexican, Thai food, sushi.

In the bag?

You've trash bag sushi?

His bacon-wrapped dates, very good.

Oh yeah, give me some of that.

Nicole, don't eat food out of a trash bag.

[gasps] Those look delicious.

Ooh, these look good.

I'm gonna take a selfie.

Oooh, yes.

Devin: That little b*tch.

Hey, I think you're ready to handle the tour on your own.


Yeah, I'm throwing the baby into the deep end.

It's the best way to learn.

Will you clock me out at 6?

If I do that, can I come to your party?

Fine, '90's themed, costume mandatory.

Do not be Austin Powers.

I'm gonna go k*ll my roommate.

Hollywood Shame Bus.

Hollywood Shame Bus!

[bell rings]


No, I know that body.

I know that's you, Nicole.

Turn around.

Oh, Devin, is that you?

You look mad skinny.

Where's my money?

You are all right, sista?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Just give us a second. That's my baby daddy.

Look, you lied to me.

You said you had no money for the electricity bills, but you have money for braids and bacon-wrapped dates?

Oh my God, you have the impulse control of a baby.

You say you wanna buy baby?

What the hell?

Oh, no, no, no. Just kidding.

Listen, the money is already gone.

What do you want me to do?

Fine, you'll reap what you sow.

Honestly, my apologies to the entire shop.

It's a very lovely place, it's divine.

Sorry for bringing in my negative energy.

You're a b*tch.

Uh! You rude!

Devin: Run.

How much are box braids? Two fifty.

Can you pencil me in?


Nicole: Get!

You learn quick.

I get it. I get how braids are done.

You sound like you just unlocked the mysteries of the universe, girl.

Also, what are you wearing?

I'm doing an immersive experience.

But don't tell anyone about this.

Outside of here, it's 100% for sure not okay.


Man, you're gonna be the perfect "Poetic Justice," and I'm gonna look like crap.


Well, I tried on my Rachel wig, and all my hair stuffed underneath makes this like weird lump.

The Rachel from "Friends"?


Ah, the sister can do for you.

No, I don't wanna cut my hair.

It took me like two months to grow out.

Simple. We can do without cutting your hair.

Black hair magic is real.

Come, I give you for 100.



A hundred, yes, I'm so sorry.

Yes, a hundred, let's do it.

Um, what are you doing here, Chace?

I punched you out, nobody noticed.

I thought you'd wanna know.

Okay, yeah, why didn't you just like text me?

You didn't give me your number.

Yeah, that was smart.

I found your address in the employee roster.

Okay. Cool, creepy.

The party's at 10. See ya then.

Wait, do you guys need help setting up or anything?
I even brought a costume.

I'm Marky Mark.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

Hey, get the party started, everybody!

Marky's not even a chara... come in.

Just come in. Yeah.

Oh, this place is awesome.

Yeah, yeah.


Chace: Yeah, I like that you're in here now.

You look like a monk with titties.

This is gonna look better, right?

Like does it just need time to settle or...

Don't worry, [unintelligible].

We do good for you.

Now... take a look at my demo tape.

It is fate you came into this store today.

Fate's a strong word.

Working in radio, this is the American dream I came for.

Nagosee, I have to tell you something.


[whispers] Yeah.

Nicole: Don't.

I have to.

Nicole: You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

Nicole: No, you don't.

I don't work for NPR.

Oh, shit!

This b*tch lied to me!

Do not finish her hair.

And give me 200.

But you're not done.

I can't leave like this.

Two hundred now, then go!

Thunder, f*re.

May God punish you!

Well, I would still love to listen to this and give you notes.

Give me that!

Oh, and I shouldn't have put this on.

I'm sorry.

Keep it. Get out!

No, I cannot go outside like this.

Face the public, leave.

Okay, okay.

What am I gonna do about this hair?

Is there an episode of "Friends" where Rachel wears a hat?

No, that's stupid, of course there's not.

Uh, my costume is ruined.

Listen, I can help you take it out tomorrow.

But it's gonna take like three hours.

Three hours?

That's a whole "Titanic."

Sorry about it.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, my phone's ringing. Who is it?

It's Derrick.

Ooh, must be important.

Put him on speakerphone.

Hi, Derrick.

♪ I look really cute right now ♪

Derrick: Hey, so I'm gonna wear a costume to your thing.

I remembered I have this hat.

Oh, like a funny hat?

Or a...

Derrick: It's a Yankees' hat.

I'm gonna be a dude wearing a hat in the '90s.

Great, Derrick.

Really looking forward to seeing that hat.

I mean, he's trying.

[record scratching]

♪ Let me tell y'all ♪

Hi, my angels.

Blessings to you both.

Who's that beautiful Nubian princess?

It's me! It's Nicole!


I am so happy that this happened to you, I won't say a word.

Thlf! Who's that?

That's Chace.

I'm his party b*tch.

He asked to be called that.

You're in a good mood.

Why wouldn't I be?

Everything worked out perfectly.

And Dr. Sheila would be very proud.

Through my agency and action, I was able to manifest some extra cash.


Oh, I just sold one of Nicole's wigs.

[record scratches]

Sorry, this needle's sensitive.

I think I scratched your Jamiroquai record.

You sold my wig?


I'm gonna go.


You stay where you are.

Devin, you tell me which wig you took and where you took it?

Well, it wasn't Rhi-yonce, if that's what you're worried about, because I'm not a monster.

It was Sea-lange.


Oh, please!

We both know that that's your worst wig.

You know I love all my babies equally.

Wait. I'm sorry.

There's a place that buys used wigs?

Can I help you?

Yes. You've received stolen property.

I'm here to take it off your hands.

I see no need to involve the authorities.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Okay. Well, that wig... that wig right there, that Sea-lange wig, the model X3415 that only comes in black.

But it's clearly honey brown, because I dyed it.

I would like my wig back.

That's not your wig.

It's a brand-new wig from New Zealand.

Okay, if you could just take it out of the case, I can show you where I wrote my name on the tag.

I will take it out of the case if you buy it.

Fine. I'll call the police.

Go ahead.

My husband is the captain.

Uh, you've got a very beautiful man.

Negotiate, do you thing.

Veronica, everybody knows you can't negotiate with a wig lady.


Thank you.




Okay, is this glass reinforced?

Because in my head, I thought I was lady who would jump over a counter.

But now that I'm trying to do it, I don't think that I am. You know what?


I'm gonna leave here with some dignity.

You don't by any chance have like a men's toupee that could...

Get out of my shop.

I don't want anyone thinking you got that here.

Oh, I'm telling everyone I got this here.

Come on, napkins in a pile, Chace?


Look, you wanna fan them out, okay?


This is Van Nuys, not Panorama City.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay. Just go set up Cranium.

Mm. Let me guess.

They didn't give you your wig back.

No, but it was my fault.

Look, I'm just happy you realized what I did was very harsh but also very necessary.

I see that now.

My actions have consequences.

I've been irresponsible.

And I've taken advantage of our friendship.

I welcome you back into my life.

Oh. [laughing]



Man, I was really hoping this was gonna destroy your relationship.


Veronica: I was.

Hey, Devin, do you need anything for the party?

Yeah, we could use some more ice.

Do you want some money?

No, Veronica will pay.


You're the one with a job.

Ooh, can I borrow your car? My trunk won't open.

Devin: Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

Nicole: And here you go.

Let's go get my baby back.

The wig?

Yes, God!

Sorry. Just usually when you say baby, you're talking about your vibrator.


Okay. I guess that's perfect.

Now go rub yourself down with some canola oil before the party starts.

We're back.

S-s-s-she's back!

Where did you get that?

I sold your car.

Veronica: But we also got ice.

I should have known that no amount of punishing you would have ever helped.

You're toxic.

I'm toxic?

You sold one of my wigs.

You know how much they mean to me.

That's like basically selling one of my kids.

I had to pay the electric bill.

Somebody here needs to be responsible.

Oh, we were fine.

They give you like three warnings before they shut it off.

Okay. You know what? I'm done.

You're done? I'm done.

This whole roommate thing, it's not working out.

I just let you move in, 'cause I felt bad for you.

Oh, you felt bad for me?

I felt bad for you.


You felt bad for me?

Well, fine, move out!

I got my wig back.

Here's the rest of your money.

Okay, fine.

Oh my God.

This is like a thousand bones.

My car was only worth like $478.

How did you do this?

I mean, once you've negotiated with Senegalese braiders, old white men are cake.

This is enough money for me to lease that Hyundai Sonata.

You beautiful psychopath.

Mm, I can't live without you, my beautiful mess of a human being.

Both: Ahh!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.


Oooh, I'm almost done.

I'm almost done.


Oh, this one looks like you.

He looks like you.

She looks like you.

What the hell just happened?

Oh, this? We just had roommate sex.

You know he's gay. We can't bone.

This is as close as we get.

You're gay?

That's pretty cool.

It is pretty cool.

♪ At night, I think of you ♪
♪ I want to be your lady, baby ♪
♪ If your game is on, give me a call, boo ♪
♪ If your lovin's strong, I give my all to you ♪
♪ At night, I think of you ♪

I've always had a thing for Blossom.


Can I try on your hat?


Get out of here, get out of here!

Classic Blossom.



You wanna smell my punany?

Ew, no, of course not.

Relax, it's a line from "Poetic Justice."

Also, I am truly very hurt that you wouldn't want to.

Where's Derrick?

He's not coming, because he couldn't find a hat.

Mm, I guess no home sex for me.

I'm sorry.

He's an [bleep].

It's okay to feel [bleep] though.

Yeah, and his costume really sucked.

Yes, that is true.


Wait one sec.


♪ At night, I think of you ♪

[indistinct whispering]

Oh, you're the sun to my moon.

♪ Just make that tootsie roll ♪

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

♪ Let me see that tootsie roll ♪
♪ Tootsie roll ♪
♪ Make that tootsie roll ♪
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