03x07 - Life Sucks and Then You Die

[bunniefuu]

Josh.

Hey, Colton.

You good?

Yeah. How are you?

Uh, good.

Come on in. Can't believe you drove all the way out here just to see me.

Can I get you a drink, or did you wanna see the...

Um, I'm okay.

Sure, sure.

Living room, dining room.

Uh, show you the kitchen real quick.

Blossie's a great cook.

This is where I do most of my cooking.

(CHUCKLES)

In the microwave.

Um, this is where we eat breakfast every morning.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Was Fussypuss touring? Told all my friends about them.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

I'm gonna get you some water.

So I have something I need to tell you.

Okay.

Um...

(WATER RUNNING)

And I, um...

Hey, Josh.

Don't worry about me holding a grudge or anything like that.

You know, I... I prayed a lot, and I worked through a lot of feelings when I got back... everything that happened, you know, with me and you and Rabbi Raquel and... and Rita, you know?

Rita d*ed.

Maura: God, this place, it depresses me.

Vicki: It's a good thing you're doing.

You have to show up for people.

Yes, well, I've not always done that, as Bryna will tell you, repeatedly.

Well, if you're very good, you can buy me a drink later.

Oh, I'll buy you many drinks.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GAME BEEPING)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Come in.

Hi, Bry.

(GAME BEEPING)

How is she?

They just moved her in here this morning.

She's been sleeping.

All right.

Oh, um...

Hi, I'm Vicki.

Hello.

Hi.

Hey, Mom, it's Maura.

(GAME BEEPING)

I'm here with Bryna and Vicki.

Hi, Rose!

(GAME BEEPING)

(GAME CHIMING)

(LAUGHS) Oh! A royal flush!

(CHUCKLING) Jeez, it's about time!

Oh. Hmm.

Vicki: That's great.

Yeah.

(GAME BEEPING)

(SNIFFS)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(GAME CHIMES)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

So this is what it all comes down to.

Vicki: If we're lucky.

(GAME CHIMES)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

Bryna: Um, are either of you hungry?

I've got some leftover Chinese at my place.

I could heat that up.

Right?

Oh, um, I don't think so.

We were gonna stop at the Elephant Cafe.

You're more than welcome to come.

No. That's silly.

Why would you do that?

Yeah?

Yeah. Waste $50?

Come on. You could help me carry these things back.

Help me over here?

Um...

Yeah.

Okay.

Vicki: Should I help?

Bryna: Mm-hmm. Sure.

It's the boxes here.

Alley-oop. There you go. Two!

Oh, God!

(LAUGHING)

You did that really well. My turn. Come on.

All right, here we go.

Hell, no.

It's cute.

Yeah? Are you loving my Haggadah?

Mid-City can suck it.

No, it can't.

This Seder is going to kick ass.

I did such a good job.

I know.

All right.

Have you f*cked him yet?

Oh, my.

Come on.

Come on. Have you?

No.

You like him?

No, I...

Come on, you cannot tell me you don't have something going with him.

I see his widow pheromones spraying all over you.

He's way too sweet for me.

What?

No, he's like... He's a very, very, very good person.

It's... He's too sweet.

Oh, are you afraid you can't get a hard-on for that sweetness?

Come on, you need to bone him, Raquel.

(CHUCKLES) Sarah...

What?

(LAUGHS)

You're in this galaxy called Kronos, and everyone is working collectively, and everyone chooses, like, a particular, like, avatar, like, a mythical creature. You know, like, I'm a wizard, and this guy I was playing with the other day, he was a dragon.

Maura: But why does he get to be the dragon?

Oh, I would never be the dragon.

No?

No.

Vicki: So the dragon's uncool?

No, it's just that I've always preferred to be the wizard.

Yeah, well, of course.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I have a question.

Yes.

Um, Mom, did she... Has she written anything down about her wishes or anything?

No.

We're not getting anything.

That's not the question.

Listen to me.

There's no money.

But I thought Grandma Rose was giving me the stamp collection.

If she said so, she said so.

I'm happy to hear the younger generation is interested in "phile-ately."

It's "Phil-at-ely."

Philately?

It's philately.

It's not.

It's philate...

It's "phi-lately."

It is?

You don't know what it is.

I do, it's stamps. It's about stamps. It's collecting...

Oh, my gosh, I went to school, you know.

Do you need help with money?

'Cause I'm here to help.

Where were you 15 years ago?

Wow.

Why don't you get off this endless martyr thing?

Doesn't that get tiring?

Yeah. Why don't I become more like you?

Send out emails begging for organic food while I'm recovering from my plastic surgery.

Scooch in.

Can I ask you a personal question, Vicki?

Sure. Yeah.

Did you send out those emails when you had your sex change?

Maura: Jesus Christ.

What?

I'm not trans.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry.

(LAUGHING) Oh, forgive me.

I thought maybe that's what the two of you saw in each other.

Well, I feel like a fool.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

You still laughing about the sex change?

No, she thought I was trans.

Oh.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Oh, my God.

What if you were?

Well, you know, there's actually, like, a tree in Scotland that's in the middle of changing its sex, like, right now.

The only operation I've ever had was my double mastectomy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I've had a lumpectomy.

Turned out everything was benign, but the waiting was a nightmare.

Can't imagine what you went through.

Well, I thought I might have reconstruction, but I didn't want to go under again.

You hear that?

Dear Jesus, we pray that Rita's soul is with you right now, and that in between the time she jumped and hit the shopping mall floor, she realized her mistake and took you into her heart.

Amen.

Amen.

She didn't jump. It was an accident.

That's right.

Uh, Colton... only God and Rita really know what happened, son.

But if she jumped, then she's not gonna get into heaven.

Hey, nobody's saying that she did it on purpose, okay?

Well, uh...

Buddy? Hey, hey.

I saw her a couple days before the accident. Everything was good.

She was juicing. Her meds were adjusted.

Every morning, she told me how happy I made her.

That's true. Hey, I know...

I know what you're feeling right now, believe me.

I want her to get into heaven.

You didn't...

She's going to heaven.

How do you know?

I just do.

Josh, we're just so happy you could be here with Colton.

It's a lovely thing.

Hey, buddy?

So when I was cleaning out her apartment, um, I found this.

And I thought, you know, you should have something of hers.

I didn't know Rita was a hippie.

I thought Rita was a dog walker.

You know, Colton is preaching now.

Yeah, Rita and I, we watched the video together.

You did?

Mm-hmm.

What did she think?

She loved it. I mean, she said it was awesome.

I thought it was awesome.

Well, of course she did... of course they did, 'cause Colton's got the gift.

Just like Gene.

Mmm.

You know, Blossie, any preacher is just a vessel for the Lord.

But you know, Josh, seeing Colton preach in person is so much more powerful.

Oh, I'm still learning.

Oh, now, Colton, what do we say?

False modesty...

False modesty.

Is ugly to the Lord.

This is a gift he has given you, and you must own it.

Yes, ma'am.

Duvid: It's sort of this, uh, it-shaped thing.

It-shaped thing?

"It" is an experience. It's being in California.

It's Los Angeles. It's the San Fernando Valley.

It's exactly what I expected, but it's also different.

It.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God. He wants to f*ck you.

Oh, my God. Do it.

Do it, do it, do it.

Is this seat taken?

No.

(LAUGHS, SIGHS)

Hi.

Hey.

Soft lips.

Nice. Take your top off. Oh, yeah.

He really... He wants this.

He'll lose his mind.

Oh, yeah, here we go. (INHALES)

This is gonna be good.

No, this is gonna be really good.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Okay.

May I touch your nipple?

Um...

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah?

Sure. Sure.

Oh.

Your areola is a relief map to every place you've ever been, every feeling you've ever felt, and...

Oh, my God.

Every person you've ever loved.

Thank you.

May I kiss your exquisite collar bone?

You don't have to ask me. You can just do it.

I just got back from a birthright trip where we always ask permission...

Just stop talking.

Yeah, okay.

Okay?

Yeah. Oh.

I'll be right there! Just a second!

I wanna go home.

We'll go in a minute.

I wanna go now.

Here it is!

(LAUGHING) Look at this.

Wow!

And it has a companion.

Oh, that's so cute.

Isn't it great?

That's great.

Let me top you off with some wine there.

Oh, please...

Anyway...

Look, baby.

I wanted to like it, but every time I carried it...

Be nice, okay?

I felt like a...

Are you gonna have more to drink?

One of those streetwalker people.

Please don't have any more to drink. I want to go home.

I bet you can.

And don't forget, there's one in silver, too.

Yes, there is.

Oh, Maura and I will just share this one.

It's really beautiful.

Oh, it must be...

Must be nice to have someone to share a pocketbook with.

Okay, I wanna go now. Enough chit-chat, Vicki.

You know who brought me back from the hospital when I had my colonoscopy?

Who?

And she's off.

She did?

The taxi driver.

What about Simon? He didn't help you?

Well, Simon, you know, he's got some, uh, you know, phobias.

Oh, gee, I wonder how he got those.

You know...

Why don't you have another drink?

My neighbor's Pomeranian d*ed going under, getting his teeth cleaned.

If it isn't good for dogs, I mean, it probably not good for people. Jeez!

Uh-huh.

Don't you ever worry about him getting botched surgery?

Oh, her? Oh, yeah.

I worry a lot.

Yeah.

But, you know, if I've told her once, I've told her 10,000 times, she's perfect the way she is.

Oh, well, I wouldn't go that far.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, sweetie, I wanna go.

I'm not felling well.

Okay.

You know, I wanted lipo for 20 years.

Maura: My God.

I didn't die not getting it.

Well, you know, it's not exactly the same thing, but, you know, carpe f*cking Diem, Bry.

Go get your lipo.

It's a little late!

I spent half of my life caring for our mother.

Now what have I got left? Nothing!

Well, life sucks, honey, and then you die, all right?

Really? doesn't suck for you!

Thank you for a lovely evening.

You're getting everything you want!

Can we go?

You were not a handsome man.

Let's go.

And I don't think you're gonna be a very pretty woman, and I don't think surgery can do anything to help that.

Jesus Christ!

I don't wanna be trans, I am trans!

The next time I see you, you're probably gonna look like Michael Jackson... with half a Brussels sprout for a nose!

This! This?

Yeah?

This is why your husband left you when you were pregnant with Simon.

My husband left me because he's an assh*le!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Vicki.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Don't worry.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

No, no, no, that's okay.

We just...

(DOOR SLAMS)

We had a bit too much to drink, okay?

Yeah.

(DOOR CLOSES IN DISTANCE)

Can you give me the keys, please?

I'm fine.

I know.

You've had a lot to drink, so just give me the keys.

Please?

(SIGHS) Thank you.

Can you make me... Thank you.

Can you make me understand something?

You hug her after she says those things?

And you side... You side with her?

How do you do that? You say that I'm fine the way I am?

Oh, why? Is that a crime?

It's not a crime, but that's not me.

That's not who I am. That's not my...

Why does it always have to be about Maura all of the time?

I need help...

Maura's transition, Maura's surgery!

Yes, I'm having surgery and I'm scared.

Have you ever been scared?

Maura, Maura, Maura, all of the time!

All right, just say whatever comes to your head.

I will. I will.

All right, fine.

Let's go. You know, I have to tell you something.

You disappoint me. You're better than this.

That's really...

You're better than...

And you know what else? You're cheap.

And you're a terrible tipper.

Yeah. To waiters and to valets and to that poor pizza guy.

You gave him nothing!

It took 45 minutes for that pizza to show up!

So what?

And I always...

I always tip 15%.

15% is what you give for bad service.

15% is when they spit in your food.

15% is when they s*ab you.

You know what? I'm tired of fighting with you.

Fine. I'm going.

We have different world views.

Okay?

Yeah.

Yeah. Who knew?

I knew. I knew the moment...

I knew the moment you gave that valet a dollar.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Can't sleep without the fan on ever since I was little.

Even have a name for it.

I call it Fan-Fan.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Fan-Fan?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, if you're uncomfortable, let me know.

I can take the air mattress.

You stay in your own bed.

All right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

I love you.

I know.

(SIGHS)

(BELL RINGS)

Antlers? That's interesting.

Hey.

I hate you.

Why?

Because you got inside of my head.

I was feeling all of your pressure.

And I knew you were gonna ask me about it so I...

We did it. We did it.

Stop it. I feel like I'm 12 years old.

Stop it. Stop it. It was...

Yes, yes!

Not good.

Oh, my God. No, I'm super happy.

That's so cool.

Are you even listening to me?

Oh, my God. I can't believe I told you this.

I was reading up on cults, and you know the only thing more powerful than a charismatic cult leader is a charismatic cult couple.

This is not a cult, Sarah. We're just doing a Seder.

And we're not a couple.

Well, okay, but, you know, you don't have to slam cults, cults do good things.

Cults, like, create vegetarians and stuff.

Anyway, we've sold, like, 68 tickets.

I mean, this thing is happening.

Honestly, I feel like Len and I are, like, also connecting around this.

I feel, like, a little bit of a spark.

A spark?

You know, like, when we get together, around all this Jewy stuff, like, there's this sexy but, like, wholesome vibe going on.

So are you gonna get back together with Len?

Maybe.

'Cause I thought you said that you were bi or gay or a lesbian.

That doesn't matter. Doesn't mean I don't love him.

Oh, doesn't matter?

I wouldn't marry him.

You could marry him again?

Maybe, maybe.

I don't know, maybe. I just, like, feel just, like, very inspired by all this spirituality.

It's not spirituality!

Hey, Raquel, do you need a glass of water?

No water!

Sorry.

I just want... I'm...

Can you clarify for me really fast what spirituality is for you, Sarah?

I... I don't know. I didn't...

I mean, I don't... That's... I don't know.

'Cause I can tell you what it's not.

It's not changing your mind whenever you feel like it.

It's not following your bliss.

It's not finding yourself by crawling through your belly button and out your own assh*le and calling it a journey.

Fine!

I mean, it's easy to say what it's not.

What is it?

Duvid: Uh, for, me, God is ever-changing.

That's what we're trying to do here is take something that can't be expressed in words and give it ritual and community and a place where we can all...

Don't f*ckin' speak for me, Duvid.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Raquel, but you've been swearing a lot more than you did in seminary.

f*ck you, Duvid! f*ck you!

I'm not... You know, I'm not f*cking doing the Seder!

I'm not doing the Seder! I'm out!

Okay! Calm down. We've got a lot of people coming. Raquel?

You know what? I don't give a sh*t if the Pope, if f*ckin' Donald Tr*mp, if Moshiach himself shows up to this f*cking thing!

I'm not doing it!

Who's Moshiach?

The messiah.

He's the messiah, Sarah!

That is the f*cking messiah! (EXHALES)

I'm not doing your shitty f*ckin' Seder. I'm out.

I'm not doing this. I'm not putting my name on this sh*t.

I am not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it!

Okay.

All right, all right.

I'm not doing it!

Okay, okay.

(PANTING)

♪ (ORGAN PLAYS)

♪ Jesus told me that I'd have to live humble and change my name ♪
♪ Change my name ♪
♪ Jesus told me that I'd have to live humble and change my name ♪
♪ Change my name ♪
♪ Oh, I told Jesus it'll be all right ♪
♪ Be all right, be all right ♪
♪ I told Jesus it will be all right ♪
♪ Change my name ♪
♪ Change my name ♪

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)

Thank you.

Jesus watches over us.

His Holy Father created the heavens and the earth and all of mankind in His own image.

And that's why He cares about us... even when we've lost our way.

Praise Him.

Praise the Lord.

And the way we find our way back to Him, no matter how far we've strayed, is to come to the Lord in prayer.

Let us pray.

Heavenly Father, we ask You to lift up all of God's children and guide us in Your ways.

We ask You to remember our loved ones who are no longer with us.

And we ask You to hold up my birth mother, Rita, who d*ed unexpectedly.

She knew how much it meant to me when I accepted You into my heart.

♪ (CHOIR HUMMING TUNE)

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.

Amen.

Now, Lord, we pray that Rita's death will not be in vain.

(CONGREGATION VOCALIZES)

Because we all know how short our time here on earth is.

You could call us home at any time.

♪ (CHOIR CONTINUES)

I wanna take this moment right now to ask if there's anyone out here today who might not be saved yet...

♪ (CONTINUES)

.. but wants to know Jesus as their personal Lord and savior...

Mm-hmm.

Praise Jesus!

To come on up to this altar.

Would anyone here like to renounce Satan and accept Jesus into their heart?

Praise Him!

Yes!

Who wants to have their burdens lifted from them?

Who wants to be free?

Yes.

Jesus, Colton.

Who here wants to accept Jesus into his heart?

♪ (CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE)

Come on up.

Josh Pfefferman, do you want ever-lasting life?

Mm-hmm.

Do you renounce Satan?

Sure.

And do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?

Okay.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Open up the doors of heaven and let me in ♪
♪ I think I'm finally tired of living ♪
♪ Let me in ♪
♪ I'm gonna walk in the glory ♪
♪ And tell everyone my story ♪
♪ Open up the doors of heaven and let me in ♪
♪ I try to live my life in a righteous way ♪
♪ I try to do my best from day to day ♪
♪ But no matter how hard I try ♪
♪ It seems all I do is cry ♪
♪ So open up the doors of heaven and let me in ♪
♪ Someone told me there's a better place than this ♪

(LAUGHTER)