03x09 - Off the Grid

[bunniefuu]

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

Man: Well, I've got a little bit of not so great news from your cardiologist.

Oh. We're trading phone calls.

Did you speak to Dr. Levin?

You're trading phone calls.

Yeah, I know what it's about, though.

It's my target weight.

I'm... I don't know. I'm a fat, fat fatty.

I love, uh... I love pizza.

And...

I think you need to connect with her.

Uh, is there something the matter?

There's a couple of red flags on the echo test.

We just have...

Is there something wrong with my heart?

Well, we have a couple of things going on in your heart that we want to keep an eye on, and I think Dr. Levin will recommend going off of the hormones, and keeping an eye on this for six months or so.

Well, hold on. Is this a postponement?

'Cause when I get out of surgery, I'm with this thing called Meal Train, and I already put out my emails, so how long are we talking?

Well, look, I, um... I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think this is a matter of postponing something.

I think...

I think surgery's out of the question.

Maura, I know this is disappointing.

What about a waiver?

Please do this. I will sign a waiver.

All right? And that... There'll be no malpractice. Okay?

Listen, listen to me, will you, please?

Please?

Just listen to me.

Please?

Just because you can't have this surgery doesn't mean that you can't have a happy life.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

C, to the O, to the L-T-O-N.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, Josh.

You ain't gonna believe this, dog.

What's that?

I am thinkin' about making an offer... on this bad boy. Check it out.

You feel me?

Make an offer, like...

Like, buy a house?

Buy it, rent it, flip it.

Live in it.

You want to move here to Overland Park?

Listen, I've been thinking about this.

I don't want to do Red Pants anymore.

I could liquidate my stock, spend a year writing songs.

We could hang out. You and your friends, you could come over to the house, and literally just chill.

Yeah.

This Sunday, there's another open house.

You want to come?

Thanks, I... I would love to, but I can't, 'cause of the church.

Copy. I read ya. Okay, no worries.

Aren't you coming with us?

Uh, I w... I mean, well...

Um, yeah, I will be there.

Just gotta squeeze that house thing in, too.

And then my goddess, slash game show host, slash dentist, touched my face, and everything was just weirdly okay.

That's wacky all right.

That looks good.

What do you think?

I don't know, are the pinstripes too much?

No, I think it looks great.

I don't know, I... Kinda reads like a... a sleazy banker to me.

I don't want people to think that this award's going to my head.

I don't know, I kind of like a sleazy banker look on you.

Oh, f*ck you.

You know what? I'm gonna try that tweed number again.

You bring me that?

So anyway, I am trying to figure out how to roll this all together into a thesis.

What, your nitrous trip?

No, b... but the trip gave me an idea...

Thank you.

Woman: Welcome.

Um, about how to structure it.

You know? Like... Like in Hebrew Gematria.

Taking multiples of the number 18, like 36, and using them as markers, and... and creating this sort of... wheel imagery.

(CHUCKLES) You cannot write a thesis about dentists and the number 36, Ali.

No, it wouldn't be about the number 36.

It's basically like intersectionality as the holy other.

Right?

So, female, black, trans, just any... any kind of other that the patriarchy would try to objectify or silence.

And what if that otherness were the Messiah?

You sound nuts.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, this is the one.

I just need to find a... a classy bolo or something.

Did you figure out what you're gonna wear yet?

No. no.

Well, you better look cute.

This is our official coming out.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(GASPS) My God, it's Josh.

Finally. Where are you?

What?

What?!

Overland Park. Really?

Hey, babe. Did you talk to the kids about coming on the cruise?

I left messages for everybody.

I told them it's an all expense paid floating paradise of adventure.

We needed to know dates ASAP.

Good.

Ali texted and said she's a maybe.

Well, keep nooging the others.

I'm trying, okay?

Yeah. Why don't your kids ever return your phone calls?

That's not true, they do.

Well, we gotta get some confirmed "Yes"s and "No"s so I can start cross checking with the black out dates.

Ooh, look at you, you're such a producer.

You're producing the cruise, you're producing my show, producing my orgasms.

It's what I do.

Did you ever hear back from Maura and Vic?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

They broke up.

No. They seemed like such a perfect match.

Yeah, well, I don't know what happened.

I'm gonna run to the store. We're out of Diet Coke.

Do you need anything?

No. I'm good.

Babe, could you spot me a ten?

Um... sure.

So you're going to Overland Park today?

Yeah, or tomorrow.

I don't know when I can get the flight I can afford.

Can you do standby for cheap? Is that a thing?

Hon, he is a big boy, and if he wants to splash around in some holy water, that's his prerogative.

He's not splashing around in holy water, he just disavowed the devil.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh, my God.

Except that Jesus is his personal something.

Personal pan pizza?

He's buying a f*cking mansion in Overland Park. Clearly he needs me.

He's losing it.

You know what I think this is?

I think this is you trying to break up with me, because you're afraid I might be on to you.

It's not about you.

Anyway, I love hearing about how f*cked up I am from you.

It makes me feel deeply, profoundly attracted to you.

Oh, come on. To criticize you is to love you.

To reflect you is to love you.

Just sit in the discomfort.

(BANGING)

(GROANS)

Hey, it's Pony, leave a message.

(BEEP)

Pony, it's... it's Sarah.

I'm out... I'm outside your place.

We have an appointment.

I... I don't understand. Where... Oh. Whoa.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm, uh, Sarah, Sarah Pfefferman.

I have an appointment with Pony.

Okay. Yeah, Pony told me about you.

She did?

Yeah, I think you're the reason why she moved to Boulder.

She moved to Boulder?

Yeah. Her brother runs this candle shop, so she wanted to be in the family business.

The family business? Of candle shops?

She didn't really elaborate.

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Um, she left all her gear behind, and I can totally...

You know, I don't have therapy for, like, an hour, so...

What, you?

Yeah, sure.

Just tell me what kind of slut you are, and I'll just flog the sh*t out of you.

I also just learned how to use the suspension cuffs.

No. No, no, no. It has to be a woman.

Oh. (SCOFFS) Well, good luck with that.

Pony is the only lady pro dom I know that works with chicks.

Okay, that cannot be true.

There's no money in it.

I mean, it's really not that hard for a woman to find someone to treat her like sh*t for free.

♪ I see your face ♪
♪ With a trace of life ♪
♪ Being a wife and a woman ♪
♪ If I ever hurt you ♪
♪ Please remember ♪
♪ I wanted to be happy ♪
♪ Is anything I want more ♪
♪ More than the trust and understanding ♪
♪ No one can see me like you do ♪
♪ No one can see you like I do ♪

f*ck!

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Zachy! Ella!

Get out here!

Get them out here now!

What are you yelling about?

Just get them out here! Zachy and Ella!

Whose is this? Do you see this skateboard?

Who left this here?

It's not mine.

Okay, do you see what happened here?

Can you see? You made an exit ramp for Nacho.

Nacho is not here.

Calm down!

No!

What would happen if I was driving and I just left the door open while I drove?

You would fall out, and you would be dead!

Hey! Calm down!

Now Nacho is nowhere to be found.

We'll find him.

He's probably at the neighbor's, or k*lled by a coyote.

Stop it! Just stop it!

I'm sorry! But that f*cking turtle survived in a f*cking wall for 30 f*cking years!

It took you three weeks to k*ll him!

Guys, he's not dead.

Three f*cking weeks!

Go inside.

What are you doing?

(PANTING)

Don't do that in front of them, okay?

Not ever! That's not cool!

I don't want rage in this house!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Have a good one.

Thank you.

Hey, what's up?

So this is Kansas, huh?

Yeah. Nice top.

I'm sweating in weird places.

Told you not to come, Stalker McStalkerson.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go.

Let me look at you. What's that?

What?

Oh, a little Christ blood?

Mmm.

Shut the f*ck up.

By the way, they take that sh*t seriously, so...

Hey, Ali!

Hi!

How are you? How's it going?

So nice to see you.

Thank you. You too. Yeah.

Perfect timing. Pappy's throwing some meat on the grill.

Yes! Meat!

Come on back.

And this is...

Arts and crafts, yeah.

We use the Popsicle sticks to make the cross.

It's really pretty.

That's so cool.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Shuckin'.

Shuckin' and jivin'?

Alexandra, I'm so glad you're here with us today.

Oh, it's so nice. There's so much sky and space everywhere.

Yeah.

L.A. is a nightmare. I mean, you can't even breathe through all the smog.

It's so nasty.

Colton and I have going to this really cool park nearby.

Doing some plyometrics. Trying to bulk him up.

He's still a little too skinny.

(LAUGHING)

Just tall.

Becky, sweetie, would you get the deviled eggs?

Yeah.

People just, like, stop and just, like, wave you on by.

I mean, for real.

Well, we're very polite people around here, I guess.

Sure seems that way.

You know, Alexandra, your brother here has come to mean a great deal to us.

He's got a much stronger moral fiber than I gave him credit for.

Well, I... I heard about the thing that he... he did at church.

That's...

Beautiful.

No, that was all Colton. He gave a great speech.

It was really moving.

It's a sermon.

Sermon.

Yeah, sermon.

You got that lump in your throat, didn't you?

You know what that was, Josh?

Uh...

Josh, that was the Holy Spirit.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, oh, my, I felt his presence myself.

Oh, gosh, so did I.

So did the whole darn congregation. Isn't that right, Colton?

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

And then that fuckface says he wants me off hormones.

I am not going through this thing without estrogen.

I'm serious, really.

I'm just so sick of that whole bathroom mishigas...

Mm-hmm.

And that stuff at the grocery store.

Can I take your bags, ma'am? Sir? Sir?

Listen to me.

You're a baby trans. You'll get used to it.

Aww, I'm a baby trans.

Really. Isn't that sweet?

I just made that up. Do you like it?

Aww.

Mm-hmm.

Damn, girl.

All right, well, now that Vicky and I are through, this baby trans needs to get f*cked up and smoke 10,000 cigarettes.

I like it.

And I wanna go dancing at the Oxwood.

All right.

Okay.

I wanna go dancing, and I wanna have some fun.

Okay.

I'm gonna change, and I'm gonna wear something c**t!

c**t!

You'd have done the same thing.

No, I... I would not convert to another religion because a bunch of people were staring at me on a stage.

It's not a bit.

I didn't say I converted.

You're going around pretending to be a Christian.

FYI... half this country is pretending to be Christian right now.

What does it matter what I believe?

I'm happy. Okay?

I mean, also, I cannot let Colton down again.

I need to be here for him.

(LAUGHING)

Shell, you gotta look at this. These dogs are crazy.

I don't mean to be a nag, Buzzy, but if you have time to watch television, you have time to go to the ATM to get that ten you owe me.

Honey-pie, you can't get a ten out of an ATM.

It's not the ten, Buzzy.

It's the twenty from last week and the fifteen from the other day and the seven from whenever.

(STAMMERING)

First you tell me you're broke, because you're in a lawsuit about a patent.

That's true.

And then you say it's back taxes.

Also true.

Well, I just don't know what to believe.

Okay, okay.

So, there is something that I haven't told you, because it's kind of a sad story.

You know how I said I'd never been married before?

That I'd never met the one? Well, that wasn't true.

I was married to a... to a sweet lady named Donna.

And just before our 20th anniversary, she got the diagnosis.

Cancer.

Well...

Why wouldn't you tell me about a thing like that?

I didn't want you to feel sorry for me.

She was so brave with the chemo and the hair loss, and she was so concerned about how she looked, but she was always beautiful to me.

And I just wanted the best for her, so we had the nurse at home and experimental medicine, and I had trouble keeping up with the bills.

And then... four days after our 22nd anniversary, she d*ed.

Just before that, she said to me that she wanted me to find someone else.

I told her there was no way.

I couldn't imagine that it was possible... until I met you.

You didn't have a wife.

You're right. I didn't.

But, Shel...

(CHUCKLE)

Shel. Shel, I...

I know it wasn't a whole truth in terms of actual fact, but I was just trying to explain to you that, if I had been married, I would have spent every last dollar I had for my dying wife because that's... that's what money is.

We're done, Buzzy.

I could accept you being broke.

I could accept you being in debt to the U.S. government, but what I will not accept is being lied to.

Never again.

There was, actually, a Donna...

You need to move out today.

Wow. Really? What about the cruise?

I'm fine. I'll have my family.

Okay.

Sorry about today.

It was a little bit scary.

I know. I scared myself.

Do you want a backrub or something?

Really?

Is that a dumb question?

Oh, my God, I want that more than anything in the whole world.

Thank you.

I so don't deserve it. Ohh.

You so don't deserve it.

My God, you're so good at that.

I f*cked everything up. I can't do anything right.

Come on. You got a hundred non-observant Jews to sing "Ya day day die die die."

No, I didn't. Raquel did.

And now Raquel's MIA. And Pony's gone.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, I scared her away...

Really?

To do some candle business or something.

Anyway, I don't have anyone to do my "thang."

I'm sure you can find somebody else.

No, I guess there aren't that many people who do it.

Well, I mean, how hard can it be?

What does she do, just, like, boss you around and slap you a little?

Sort of, yeah.

With some hair pulling, you know.

Like this?

Aah. Oh, my God, ow.

That actually hurt. (CHUCKLING)

That was pretty good.

Aah.

Is that how Pony does it?

Uh-huh. (GASP)

She slapped your f*cking ass for you?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and she pulls your f*cking hair?

Aah.

Is that how she pulls it?

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Come here.

I'm serious. Get over here.

Come on.

I don't have time for this sh*t.

Is this the kind of sh*t that Pony does?

Give me your hands.

For real.

Give me your little f*cking slut hands.

Is that what Pony does?

Good and tight like that?

Get your arms over your head.

What she does to you?

Harder?

Uh-huh.

Uhh.

Yeah?

Is that what you want?

Huh?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know you.

I know what you want.

I know you better than anybody in the whole world.

Can... I need to get... Can I get down?

I c... I can't.

All right.

I'm sorry. I mean, just, like...

It's all right. I was... because of the arrangement...

I get it.

Everything. It...

It's okay. I was just joking.

I was joking around.

No, I liked it. It was good. I just...

I don't want to f*ck everything up or anything.

It's fine.

♪♪ (DANCE)

I'm going to go get another drink.

I'll be right back.

♪ Make this dream ♪
♪ The best I've ever known ♪

♪ Dirty dancin' in the moonlight ♪
♪ Take me down like I'm a domino ♪

You've got some moves on you.

Yeah, huh?

Right.

Thank you.

♪ ...skintight, baby, come on ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ Pull me like a bass drum sparkin' like... ♪

I'm Donald.

I'm Maura.

Hi, Maura.

♪ Rock my world into the sunlight ♪
♪ Take me down like a domino ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, baby, dancin' in the moonlight ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ Got me feelin' so right ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, dancin' in the moonlight ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ Got me feelin' so right ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Dancin' in the moonlight ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ Got me feelin' so right ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

Josh.

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

Um...

Can I, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Uh, you want to sit?

Yeah. Of course.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I was trying to find the right moment to talk to you. I just...

I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Mama and Pappy.

I just... just feel like this is a lot.

Like I'm... Uh, am I a lot?

Because I can totally back off.

It's, like, not a problem, you know.

You never really asked me if you could live here.

I'm just trying to, you know...

I'm your dad, right?

Actually, you're not.

No offense, but I already have a dad.

(DOOR OPENS)

Right. I just... Oh. Hey.

It's okay. Go ahead.

Look, I... I don't think you're going to be happy here.

And if I'm being completely honest with you, I...

I don't think I'm going to be happy with you here, either.

Oh.

I don't want to hurt your feelings. I just...

I'm really sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I r... I get it.

Uh, I got to go help with the dishes and everything.

Good man.

Yeah.

(WEEPING)

(KNOCKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ I love you ♪
♪ But you're so strange ♪

♪ It takes hell and the devil ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ But that's easy in an offhand way ♪
♪ You got a lot goin' on, don't you, baby? ♪
♪ Take pictures ♪
♪ They can be so strange ♪
♪ You, and you know you're embarrassed on it ♪
♪ Laugh in the rain and I freak out ♪
♪ Keep the light switch down ♪
♪ I ain't dark enough ♪
♪ Yeah, turn around... ♪

I'm okay.

♪ ...redhead girl ♪
♪ Why I fall in love ♪
♪ You got a lot goin' on, don't you, baby? ♪
♪♪ (DANCE)

Oh, Maura, you are so beautiful.

I want to taste that big clit.

♪ Under the su-un ♪
♪ It's not where they can see ♪
♪ Until it's do-one ♪
♪ Its secret's safe with me ♪
♪ Blow out the candle on your cake ♪
♪ Tonight you will soon respect ♪
♪♪ (CONTINUES, FAINT)