01x06 - Folklore

[bunniefuu]

(SWING JAZZ)

William: Jamie, can you just give me a little hint?

It's a surprise.

Come on, this can't be it.

What did... What does the letter say?

"This is it."

A little snippy for an invitation.

♪♪

Do you trust me?

Absolutely not.

Then this is gonna be terrifying for you.

(WATER SPLASHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

S01E06 - Folklore

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(OWL HOOTS)

(LOUD TAPPING)

(WHISPERS) MITZI: There's someone outside!

Bondurant: It's nothing. Go back to sleep.

What if it's a m*rder*r?

They don't knock.

Bondurant, my boss has survived assassination attempts by three separate G8 governments this year.

Would you please just go check?

It's the potato processing plant.

Selling knishes?

Mmm. They dump their drainage into the river and by the end of the summer the confluence dries up, the excess potatoes ferment and the wildlife, well, gets a little wilder.

You're telling me that's, like, a loaded bear out there?

Oh, no, the bears are happy drunks.

Sounds like a white tail.

(LOUD TAPPING CONTINUES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

You need to find alternative employment.

Love you.

(BOTH PANTING)

(JAZZ PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Dovie always draws a crowd.

How did we get all the way out here?

Oh, the network was built before the discovery of fluid dynamics.

Dovie: Mishka!

Jamie: Dovie!

(DOVIE LAUGHING)

I thought you were my whiskey.

Dry already?

Oh, it's been a difficult night.

Those pages you sent were very dark.

Pages?

Who the hell are you?

Dovie, this is William.

(SCOFFS) Not much to look at, is he?

You two are related, then?

No.

William, this is Dovie.

Oh.

Wow. (STUTTERS) It's... It's an honor. I...

I didn't realize what...

What I looked like?

(DOVIE LAUGHING)

Oh, well, you know, mystique is the key to longevity.

Mac told me that.

Although, I think, truth be told, he just prefers life as a recluse.

Mac? As in Cormac? Cormac McCarthy?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I was so young and malleable back then.

But, you know, I think a bit of his flavor has always stayed with me.

Yes, of... Of course... It's Cormac. (CHUCKLES)

He's... he's...

Well, let's all rejoice, he writes better than he speaks.

Hmm?

I read your book, William!

Yehonatan: Argh!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

I can't drink this cloudy Kentucky rat piss.

Where's the Speyside?

Oh, don't posture with me, Yehonatan!

You have the palate of a vulture and the temperament of a child.

Drink what you are given.

It's fine work.

I'll edit. Hachette will publish.

What's next?

Next?

Oh, well, we need something new.

Something to tease your fans with.

I... I don't... I don't have fans.

Oh, well, tonight you have us and tomorrow there'll be more.

He doesn't have me!

I didn't say you!

Poets.

What's happening?

He's not usually like this.

Oh, the first taste is difficult for everyone.

(GASPS)

Bret att*cked me in his dorm room with an a*.

Bret Easton Ellis?

Wait until you hear what Philip Roth did to her.

Oh, my whiskey!

(SNIFFLES)

(GROANS)

(RAVEN CAWING)

(GASPS)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(GASPS)

(LOUD CAWING)

(GASPS)

La Llorona!

(LAUGHS) Ah...

Hello.

(EAST EUROPE ACCENT) I am Roman Roman.

Hmm.

My mother for so bad she wants children, when she has me, she names me twice.

Roman Roman?

(CHUCKLES)

Roman Roman.

La Llorona.

What does that mean? Why does he keep saying that?

Uh, it...

It means "The Weeping Woman." I guess he read my book.

Roman Roman: Two times. Two times, I have read.

If not I were so empty, it would make me so sad.

La Llorona!

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, is... Is it like a character, or...

No. Well, yes.

I mean, not exactly.

There's this old Spanish folktale about a woman who discovers her husband's been cheating on her and, out of spite or revenge, she drowns her six children in the river.

Then realizing what she's done, drowns herself as well.

In the well?

As well. In the river.

Got it.

There's no well.

I said I got it.

Right.

So, anyway, the rest is about the youngest daughter, Lucia...

Bah.

Kind of an epic, genre-bending, suppositional, "what if" spin on a classic, but basically, the story is about her life after she wakes up surrounded by bodies of her dead family.

William!

Oh, my God, is she with...

Is that Jon Stewart and Toni Morrison?

You go. We'll talk later.

Jamie, I just wanted to say...

Thank you?

It's only a book.

Just remember that, okay?

Okay.

Ah, Lucia.

Lucia, Lucia, Lucia.

Start packing.

What happened?

She found him, Mitzi.

I don't know how, but she found him.

Who found who?

We have to get my dad out of here.

Bondurant, what the hell was outside?

(GASPS)

It's my mom.

Your mom? I don't understand. I thought you said she was...

You know...

Dead?

She was. So was he. I faked their deaths.

Hmm?

I faked their deaths.

Then I moved my dad here to rural Manitoba and my mother to southern England.

Eventually they settled in and I thought I was in the clear, but they found each other!

They always find each other.

How could I have been so naive?

You faked their deaths?

I would have never gotten away with it, except they used to drug my milk with amobarbital, so they didn't suspect I was lying.

Amobarbital? Where do I know what from?

Project Bluebird. The CIA used it in the '50s as a truth serum.

All right, come on...

Eventually I worked up a tolerance, that's how I was able to pull it all off.

I don't understand. Why would you wanna pull it off in the first place?

What other choice did I have?

You don't know what it was like!

You don't know how they are together.

How are they?

They're soul mates, Mitzi.

You mean like us?

(GROWLS)

Not... Not like us, then?

(GRUNTS)

(RAVENS CAWING)

(TINKLING)

(DOUM)

(SWOOSHING TINKLING)

(TRIBAL DRUMS PLAYING)

Bondurant: Many centuries ago, an inferno roared down from high on the mountaintop, threatening the two great Canadian villages of Wendel and Clark.

With water more than a week's ride away, each community sent their strongest raven to hoist the mouth of the riverbed and surround the valley, shielding it from assured destruction.

But when the two ravens arrived at the water's edge and gazed across the river at each other, they became entranced.

"Look at your beautiful black coat," the male raven remarked.

"And your powerful, razor-sharp beak," added the female.

(SLENDER VOICE) "Surely, we cannot risk our own necks for others' sake."

(DEEP VOICE) "That is a crow's work."

So the two ravens dismissed their tasks and spent the afternoon swimming and playing and fishing and having bird sex with each other.

(TRIBAL DRUMS AND FLUTE)

And when they returned home that evening, Wendel and Clark had b*rned to the ground.

As punishment for their selfishness, the spirits of these two ravens were bound together for all eternity and baptized soul mates.

(DRUMS STOP PLAYING)

(DOUM)

Your parents' punishment for burning down two villages was marriage?

That seems a bit harsh.

Damn white tails been getting ham-boned again.

Figure I'd get a jump on my jerky-making this year.

No, Dad, don't go out that way!

Hello, Orvis.

Bondurant.

(OWL AND WOLF OUTSIDE)

This tea is very good.

Old family recipe.

Mitzi: Hmm.

So, uh, Bondurant told me you two met at work.

Yes.

Seems like centuries ago.

Yeah, I mentioned.

We ain't mad at you, Bondy, for faking our deaths.

We blame ourselves, in fact.

Should have known my Sakari wouldn't let herself get run off a cliff by no Cape buffaloes.

Sakari: Yes. I suppose, upon reflection, the su1c1de note I received from Orvis warranted further scrutiny.

"I can't continue living for reasons that only I know and ain't never indicated to you before. Don't bother looking for me. By the time you read this, my body will have been melted in a volcano."

Bondurant!

What?

How could you write that?

I was 16!

"P.S. I'm gay."

Bondurant!

He is gay!

So, you don't tell your mother.

Sakari: It's all right.

I'm aware of Orvis' preference.

In fact, I encouraged it.

Our relationship runs deeper than that.

Orvis: Yeah.

We got like one of them, you know, profound connections.

(WHISPERING) I think you mean profane.

Hey, cool it, huh?

Bondurant: Look, I know they seem all sweet and in love, but I am telling you...

Everyone's got parent stuff.

Quit being such an assh*le.

Ugh!

Sakari: Let me, dear.

(FROGGS CROAK)

(COOL JAZZ)

Looks like we are on our own.

The bartender, he drown on the way up.

Smoker.

Well, what do you suggest, then?

Uno momento.

Ah!

(SPITS)

(BOTTLE CAP TINKLING)

Hey!

Your mother's vag*na, Roman Roman.

(SPITS)

(CHUCKLES)

(WILLIAM LAUGHING)

Yes. Yes. Ah...

I thought you were a fan.

Ah, the discourse must begin with the gusto.

The gusto?

Si, Si, the gusto. The gusto.

So go get with the gusto then.

Mmm. But I cannot.

What's the matter, Roman Roman?

It is not the mental, but the physical that stops me.

I have inner emptiness.

Well, you're lucky.

Seems like most of the people here are completely full of it.

Hmm.

Is a good point, yes, but not the point.

(ZIPPER OPENING)

(GASPING) How did this happen?

I don't know, one day I wake up, and poof, it was gone.

Poof?

Si, Si, poof. You know poof?

I don't understand, can't you just get more insides?

Ah...

(ZIPPING)

Eh, the insides grow from the within, not from the without.

Yeah.

No, I understand.

I actually have a similar dilemma.

I feel overcommitted.

Like I've given so much and now I'm just...

Empty?

Yeah, exactly.

(SIGHS)

You have pushed your insides out.

And now you want it back.

Someone says, "I love you," you say it back or you move on, right?

You don't just keep them dangling.

Your wife is very pretty.

She's not my wife.

Ah. Low-born then?

No.

Barren?

Definitely no.

She's not a Habs fan, is she?

I just said she's not low-born.

Then how do you prevent rival males from fertilizing her?

I don't know.

We trust each other, okay?

(SOFTLY) We'll see about that.

Hmm?

I know you think your father and I made life difficult for you as a child, but we were only trying to protect you.

Protect me?

When I was six, you sold all of our possessions and moved us in with a sadist cult.

To be fair, they weren't sadists before we got there.

Look, you know I love you both very much.

Going hunting with Dad in the winters, spending the summers with you on campus at Oxford.

Separately, you're the best parents in the world, but together... (SIGHS)

Well, together you're just...

Poisonous.

Ah.

Speaking of.

Bondurant: They used to drug my milk with amobarbital.

The CIA used it in the '50s as a truth serum.

Mitzi: This tea is very good.

Sakari: (ECHOES) Old family recipe. Recipe...

Oh, no.

(SLURPING)

(FOOTSTEPS COMING)

Bondurant: All right.

Dear God, you've dosed my girlfriend!

Of course not.

(SLURRING) Bandercamp!

She just called me Bandercamp.

This tea is really good!

Perhaps we dosed her a little bit, yes.

You understand this is exactly the type of behavior that makes someone fake their parents' deaths?

It's been almost two years now since you moved out to the city to pursue your musical career.

So?

Orvis: So, you ain't done it.

Now you come home with this one and it don't take no genius to see why you ain't done it.

Sakari: She's a distraction.

And you need to get rid of her.

You two are actually insane!

We'll see.

Come on, Mitzi, let's go.

Ah!

State your intentions with our boy.

Huh?

Her abstract comprehension is diminished, Orvis.

You're going to have to be more direct.

You plan on tanking our son's career?

Mitzi: No. Never.

Bandercamp must play the trumpet.

(IMITATING TRUMPET)

Orvis: Not a lota' money in that line of work.

Gonna leave him when he can't support you financially?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

My family owns outer space.

Perhaps we gave her too much. She's becoming delusional.

No, no, that's actually true.

Mitzi: Feel so sleepy. When time am I?

All right, that's it! We're done.

Come on.

Mitzi: You're the best one.

Bondurant: I know.

Bondurant: All right.

Hold on there.

Who are the other ones, dear?

There are no other ones.

She said "best one". You can't have best without others.

Jesus, it's an expression!

William.

He's just a friend of ours.

Mitzi, are you in love with William?

Mmm-mmm.

Just sex.

Uh-uh.

Just sex?

What does that mean?

Mitzi: Ahh, feels so good!

I hate lying.

(WHISPERING) I slept with William.

But don't tell Bandercamp.

Shh!

(THUD)

♪♪

No! No.

What the hell, Roman Roman?

This is not for you.

Look. Look!

He's happy.

He's too happy.

It's a great night for him.

No.

Closer.

Jamie: He looks fine.

Roman Roman: He is full. He is complete.

(STUTTERS) It is not the shape of a man who has cracked himself open.

So?

So whose insides has he taken? Hmm?

With what has he filled the pages of this big book?

Oh, come on.

(SCOFFS) You think that I'm La Llorona?

You think I'm "The Weeping Woman"?

No.

You're Lucia.

"She could have raised Marx himself from the grave with her delusions. The tragedy of her early life, now breeding tragedy of a different kind. Carrying with her ruminations dredged from the riverbed, Lucia filled her deficit with incredible stories and daydreams, past lives and adventures that were as lacking in substance as she was a woman."

(WATER SPLASHING)

Come on, Bondy, stay the night.

We got tickets to the Hamlet revival tomorrow with Keanu Reeves.

Sakari: We didn't mean to upset you, but perhaps this is for the best.

(SAD MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SAD AND NOT JAZZ THIS TIME)

Had a night, huh?

Whatcha got there?

Oh, nothing.

Just my boyfriend's 900-page cutting appraisal of all my fatal flaws.

Volume one?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

How is it possible to spend so much time with a person and have them think that you're such a loser?

♪♪

(SIGHS)

I don't know. Are ya?

Yeah, but I really thought I was hiding it better.

So what's wrong with you?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Apparently, I've spent so much time making up excuses for my f*cked up childhood that I forgot to actually do anything with my life.

If you'd like, I know someone who could slit his throat.

Oh.

Well, no, I don't think that... That'll be...

But thank you, though.

Suit yourself.