02x02 - The Morgue

[bunniefuu]

[yelling]

[electricity buzzing]

♪ Summa Nura. ♪

Creepy voice: Ash.

[yelling]

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

My hometown.

[g*nsh*t]

Ashley?

Pablo, Kelly, meet my father.

You said your dad was dead.

Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.

Pablo: Ever since Ruby put that book on my face, I've been having nightmares, but they happen while I'm awake.

[in distorted voice] Where is The Necronomicon?

[speaking softly] I'll never tell you.

[Spawn growls, Ruby screams]

[Ash whistling]

Night-night.

My children have turned on me.

Help me retrieve The Book, and send them back to hell.

Let's go save the world.

♪♪

[wind howling]

[record playing] ♪ Volare ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Cantare ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Let's fly, way up to the clouds ♪

♪ Away from the maddening... ♪

Whoa.

Mm, man, looking good.

Looking sweet. [chuckling]

[car approaches, brakes screech]

Jesus!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That cyborg hand of yours got something against knocking on doors?

Sorry, Dad.

Just going up to my room.

It looks like you found Bigfoot.

Why you still here?

Uh, we just, uh, got to take care of some business.

Just a couple of days, then I'm gone.

Oh, for Christ's... no more horseshit about demons.

What difference does it make? You wouldn't believe me anyway.

Look, Pop, I know you don't want me here...

You're the one that ran off like a scalded dog, left me here alone.

Yeah, news flash.

I wouldn't have, if you stood by me.

Oh, so it's my fault because, what?

I didn't give you enough hugs?

Sack up, sunshine.

Now look, I know that I'm not the son you wanted, and I know that Elk Grove would rather have a hero who doesn't live in a trailer, and doesn't have a boat load of cold sores, but too bad! I am your son, and I'm the only hero Elk Grove has.

[Kelly and Pablo clearing throats]

Ah, except those two.

Ah, yeah, the jury's out on her.

All right, here's the deal.

My lady's on her way over here.

I'm going to be up to my elbows in cheesecake real soon.

[Ash groans]

And when your "business" is done well, you know where the door is.

Great Dad, thanks.

[Ruby exhaling]

Oh, and by the way, "Bigfoot" has a name.

It's Ruby.

Oh, is that so, Ruby?

Well, tell your story walking.

I'm done conversating, time for some fornicating.

Ooh.

[Brock chuckling]

Voice of Cheryl: Ash?

[boards creaking]

[woman weeping]

I want to get out of here!

Help me, Ash!

Shut it off.

[woman screaming] Look at me!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

You okay?

What's that?

Another LSD moment?

Oh, man. I told you, dude.

Florida LSD, not to be f*cked with.

Got to trust me on this sh*t.

Yeah, got to be careful.

[rock music playing]

Oh, sweet room, Jefe.

Yep, lot of good memories in here, and there.

[Pablo chuckling]

It looks like it hasn't changed in...

30 years, that's right.

When I left this place back then, I left behind everyone, and everything I ever knew.

Poor fella.

Guess he didn't have the heart to carry on without me.

Or the food.

Come on, guys. We don't have much time.

Ruby: You've seen how powerful my children have become.

Wait. Your children?

Those things came out of me.

Oh, relax, you're not the father, just the portal for their rebirth.

Are you saying Pablo is a vag*na?

You need to take this seriously, missy.

My spawn pose an existential thr*at, such as the world has never seen before.

They're not only more powerful, and more intelligent, and dangerous.

Okay, yeah, got it. They're big, mean, smart.

Just tell us where they are, we'll go spank their naked butts.

Nope, we got to retrieve that Necronomicon before they get their hands on it.

That's all we have to be concerned about right now.

This is easy!

We'll be back in the Sunshine State before you can say Fort Ticonderoga.

Where'd you put it?

[suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

[playing through headphones] ♪ Dip it low ♪

Ah.

[blowing]

[pounding on door]

[drill whirring]

♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Down, harder ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Down low ♪

[drill whirring continues]

[eerie music playing]

[hammer tapping]

[electricity buzzing]

♪ Drop this... ♪

[eerie music playing]

[Cadaver grunting]

[screaming]

The best hiding place you could think of, was a f*cking corpse?!

Dead flesh masks the scent of The Book from the Spawn.

So in terms of quick thinking, not the worst idea.

We could argue worse ideas all day long, believe me, time to put on our dancing shoes.

Hold up.

Family meeting.

Not you.

[Ruby grunting]

I don't trust her, Jefe.

She's hiding something.

Agreed. Something's funky.

Because if she's some kind of half-demon, immortal badass, why does she need us?

Look, I would trust a blind proctologist more than her, but you know the deal.

Unless you have a better plan?

Leave her here with me while you guys go get The Book.

I'll figure out what she's not telling us.

Kelly: Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea.

Pablo: I got this.

Trust and believe I'll carve her up like a Halloween pumpkin if she even looks at me funny.

Damn, Pablo.

Badass.

Not so much of a vag*na now, am I?

Well, actually, vaginas are powerful and life-affirming.

So technically, you're more of a vag*na now than you've ever been.

She's right, buddy.

And I couldn't be prouder.

Sorry, lady. You're riding the pine today.

Pablo, and his friend Mr. Kandarian Dagger, would like a word.

[laughing] No, no, no...

It wasn't a question.

You want your book back, that's how it happens.

Fine.

Just, uh, don't touch any of my stuff.

Except to tidy up.

Seriously, don't let her touch any of my stuff.

Except to tidy up.

[door closing]

[sighing]

[wind howling]

[car door closing]

[Ash sighing]

Mm, must be hard coming back.

Confronting your past, and all your many mistakes, and bad decisions.

Holy pickle dicks, it's Lillian Pendergrass!

Kelly: What's a Lillian Pendergrass?

That beautiful creature right there.

I'd know that caboose anywhere.

Are you having a stroke?

Hey, you say that now, back in the day, Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot former gymnast turned Phys Ed teacher.

You know what I'm talking about?

She wore these tiny, little polyester shorts.

You know during the summer, when you find that perfect peach?

Your next words better be "the end," or I will sh**t us both.

Me first.

I'll give you the abridged version.

[Ash chuckling]

I boned her in the back.

Good for you.

She's going to the house.

She must've heard that I'm back in town.

[laughing] Oh, no!

Well, sorry Lillian.

Tool time's going to have to wait, because Dad's got a job to do.

Hello.

Looking good. Oh, oh, hey.

[gagging]

Well, it looks like Big Daddy's working from home today.

That son of a bitch. Not again.

Wait. Again?

[engine starting]

[tires squealing]

[eerie music playing]

[elevator bell dings]

Kelly: So, um, you give any thought to how we explain what we're doing here?

Relax, just a couple of regular people, taking a stroll in a hospital.

Morgue. A hospital morgue.

Nobody strolls through a morgue.

We look shady as f*ck.

We get busted, we're getting locked up.

Okay.

Nobody's going to be locked up, okay?

I'm going to be like a ninja losing his virginity, quick and discreet.

You just guard that door.

Nobody gets in.

[electricity buzzing]

[door clicking]

[eerie music playing]

Ash: Okay.

Probably should've asked which one.

Okay bodies, who's got The Book?

Oh!

What a waste.

What a waste...!

[banging]

[drill whirring]

[Ash grunting]

Come on, you piece of crap.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[squishing]

[Ash grunting]

[whispering] f*ck.

[heavy breathing]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Pablo: I need to know what's happening to me.

What did you do?

You make me evil too?

Oh, so this isn't about me at all.

Well, it was very naughty of you to deceive Ash like that.

But I'm very impressed.

Yo, just answer the question!

I would like to, but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

You do seem upset, though.

So come on, sit down, and tell me about it.

Yeah, I don't want to sit.

I want to talk about The Book.

All right?

It did something to me.

It changed me, and... you're going to tell me exactly how, right now!

[Pablo yelling]

We do not have time for this.

So you're going to answer my questions, right now.

[dramatic music playing]

[squishing]

Wait a minute.

Son of a bitch.

Ash, look first, cut later.

[sighing]

Ah, of course.

There you are.

Come on now.

[Ash grunting]

What the Harryhausen?

Definitely getting locked up.

[sighing]

[speaking softly] Faygo.

Hm.

Come on.

[pushing buttons]

Come on, m*therf*cker!

Hey, you know what?

[g*n cocking]

[elevator bell dings]

[eerie music playing]

[elevator bell dinging continues]

[grunting]

Give me my f*cking pop!

Going to jail. Give it to me!

[Sheriff Emery clearing throat]

Oh, hey.

You know what?

Great timing, because your pop machine is on the fritz.

[Ash grunting]

Give... it... back!

[heavy breathing]

Oh no, you don't.

Nobody hides from Ashley J. Williams.

Hm?

[colon screeching]

[Ash groaning]

[yelling]

This part of the hospital is off limits.

Why are you here?

I could ask you the same thing.

There's been a lot of weird sh*t happening around town lately.

And your friend, Ash, he ain't a stranger to weird sh*t, is he?

Dude, he's like the father of weird sh*t.

So, you're going to have to be much more specific.

Lot of unexplained deaths lately.

Then all of a sudden, you and that bozo roll into town.

Wow.

Someone's on the fast track to detective.

All right, smart-ass.

You stand there, and cr*ck wise.

We'll just see what the coroner has to say.

But dollars to donuts, Ash Williams will figure in his explanation, somehow.

Now if you'll excuse me.

I said, excuse me.

[both grunting, yelling]

[colon screeching]

[Ash grunting, yelling]

[Ash laughing, grunting]

[Ash yelling]

[flatulence sounding]

Oh no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

Not up the butt!

Not up the...

[screaming]

[gasping] Oh.

Oh God!

Oh God, I'm in the butt!

I'm in the butt. I'm in the butt!

[Ash yelling]

[objects clattering]

Get it off me!

[yelling]

[colon screeching]

What are you doing?

[screaming]

Don't you suck my Johnson!

[Ash whimpering, grunting]

Where you go?

Oh, okay.

Okay! Get off me!

Get off me!

Get your d*ck off my face!

[squishing]

[yelling]

[colon screeching]

This town is only big enough for one assh*le, and that assh*le is me.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh!

"Lillian Pendergrass.

"Pneumonia?"

That's not Lillian Pendergrass.

[crowd cheering]

[Brock sniffing]

Mmm, you smell like Lysol wipes.

Man on TV: You will fight, or fall, where you stand.

When did you say Ash would be back?

A single...

Uh, who?

Ashley. Your son.

Oh, uh, who cares?

Could be 10 minutes, could be 30 years.

Doubt if I'd be that lucky twice.

Hm.

Why the interest, anyway?

Surprised you even remember him.

He's a tough one to forget.

Ah, well, he's not going to stop me from trying.

...where you stand.

A single Roman lacks courage enough to face me!

[crowd on TV booing]

Ruby: Tell me what's been happening to you.

Come on, you're the one who was crying for answers.

I- I wasn't crying.

You see, The Book has never attached itself to a human before.

Is it possible that it left some kind of an imprint?

Some terrible knowledge?

Are you having nightmares?

Premonitions, or...

[speaking softly] Oh, premonitions.

Good.

That's what we need to know.

I ain't telling you sh*t, lady.

[both grunting]

Kelly.

Down here.

We got to get out of here, right now!

Oh, sh*t!

What happened in there?

Oh, uh, let's go with colonoscopy?

What the hell happened here?

He was abusing his power.

I informed him of my rights.

With a sledgehammer?

Not my fault he got a glass jaw.

Wow, he's really out.

Soon as this assh*le wakes up, this assh*le's going to jail.

Number one, never say "ass" or "hole" in my presence ever again.

Got it?

Got it.

Ever!

Okay.

Number two, no one's going to jail.

Witness.

[chuckling] See that?

Back in school when we used to b*at him up, he would whiz himself, but he never told the teachers, why?

Because he pissed himself.

Bingo.

So we could just keep doing it.

That is horrible, and also awesome.

Which is everything that I do.

Oh, newsflash, we got to get home and save Pablo.

Lillian is a Deadite.

[pounding]

[speaking softly] Did you hear that?

From upstairs.

Oh, it's probably Ashley.

Must've snuck in the back door like some cowardly dog.

Why don't you forget about Ashley, and slide on over here, and give old Brock some Splenda, huh?

[laughing] Oh, I like the sound of that, Daddy.

You get your fine self ready, while I freshen up in the little girl's room.

I was born ready, turtle dove.

You just hurry back. You'll know where to find me.

[both kissing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[funk music playing on stereo]

What about your dad?

You only said we had to get back to save Pablo, what about your dad?

Kelly, in w*r, there's always gonna to be collateral damage.

How can you say that, Ash?

I mean I know you two don't get along, but he's family.

He's your father.

And he won't be around forever.

Are you kidding me? That old buzzard?

That guy's going to outlive us all.

That's just another way the man upstairs chooses to schtup me in the pooper.

[Kelly groaning]

[Kelly breathing heavily]

Stop!

Whoa, f*ck!

Whoa! The f*ck assh*le!

Hey, don't give me that look, punk.

Roads are for cars.

f*ck you!

You need to watch where you're going!

And you need to wait until your balls drop before you talk to me, son.

[Kelly laughing]

Yeah?

Well your piece of sh*t car...

[sniffing] smells like a piece of sh*t!

[Tyler laughing]

Oh, yeah?

Well, my piece of sh*t car isn't the cause of this sh*t.

It's all me, baby!

b*at it!

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Yeah, sit and spin!

Well, f*ck you!

[Ash laughing]

Enjoy puberty!

Boy: [yelling]

f*cking douche bag!

Guess we told them, huh.

Come on, Tyler.

[suspenseful music playing]

Huh?

What the f...? Hey.

What? Oh, sh*t!

What? No!

No!

Please! Please!

What are you doing to me?! Please stop!

No!

What a disappointment you've turned out to be.

You really don't know what's going on, do you?

No!

I'm sorry, I-I don't know!

Precognition, Pablo.

No!

Psychic ability to see events in the future.

Do you understand? You're having a premonition.

Just please cut me down!

Please!

Cut you?

As you wish.

[Pablo gasping, gagging]

[pounding on door]

Go away!

Pablo.

Lillian: Ashley, is that you dear?

It happened again, didn't it?

[yelling]

Tell me what you saw!

Ashley?!

Stay away from me!

Calm down and listen to me.

Pablo: You tried to k*ll me!

[Deadite Lillian shrieking]

[Pablo yelling]

[in distorted voice] Well!

Deadite Lillian: Look who it is!

The traitor!

Makes sense you'd be with Ash, now.

[all grunting]

[Deadite Lillian yelling]

Ow, ow!

[yelling]

[grunting]

[Deadite Lillian shrieking]

[Ruby groaning]

[tires squealing]

[Pablo yelling]

[both grunting]

[grunting]

Ooh, Pablo!

[Pablo grunting]

[groaning]

[Deadite Lillian grunting]

Okay, what did I tell you about not touching any of my stuff?

Except to tidy up?

[gasping]

You ready to tell me what you saw now?

You... you tried to k*ll me.

You-you slit my throat with some sort of a... blink.

Fingernail?

[speaking softly] Mm-hm.

Baal.

Huh?

Huh?

Pablo's visions, I know why my children are after The Necronomicon, now.

They aim to raise up their father.

[Ruby groans]

I don't see The Book. Where is it?

Where's The Necronomicon, uh...?

You failed.

Let me tell you something,

Ash Williams doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.

But I really don't know the meaning of "fail."

So where is it?

I wasn't going to bring it in here with some Deadite.

It's locked up in the Delta, safe and sound.

[car door slams]

Boy: Wahoo!

Huh?

[engine rumbling]

[music playing on stereo]

Jefe! It's the Delta!

[groaning]

Lillian?

Took so long, I had to start without you.

Thought I told you to stay upstairs.

Where in the hell is Lillian?

Hey!

See ya!

f*ck you, Ashy Slashy!

[howling, laughing]

[horn honking]

Yup, right up the pooper.

♪♪♪♪