01x06 - Stripper

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x06 - Stripper

Post by bunniefuu »

Why, yes, this sandwich could use tomato.

This is incredible.

It's such a great deal.

We should come here all the ti...

There's a pube in my potato salad.

Oh, weird.

Nobody working here has pubes.

Must be a customer's.

I'm done.

These onion rings look good.

Excuse me, ma'am?


How do you get your butt to shake like that?

Bend over and pretend you're using a jackhammer.

Oooh, that's a good tip.

I know.

I'm not only a stripper, I also teach a strip class.


Right here.

The owner wants to make some extra money during the daytime.

Oh, is it like a pole dancing thing?

I've always wanted to do that.

Pole dancing, lap dancing, floor work.

It's really a holistic approach to stripping.

Eh, not for me.

First one's free.

Ooh, I'm in.

Are you going to go to pole dancing class tomorrow?

I wish, but I have to get down to the flower market to get the exact color of freesia that Gemma wants.

Oh, did you get the stationary for the name cards?

I did one better.

I got post-its. Way cheaper.

What? They serve the same function.

They're pink.

Gemma asked us to do this together.

And I feel like I'm doing all the work.


I'll get the d*ck ice molds.

Do we want minis or XXLs?

You know, if we get the XXLs, we gotta start freezing 'em now.

That's a lot of water.

If it were up to me, it would be all d*ck ice.

But Gemma wants this bridal shower to be a certain way.

Okay, yeah. We'll get vodka.

How many handles should I get?

Zero. Gemma wants mimosa.

Uh. It takes me like ten of those to get buzzed.

Gemma expects everyone to get bridal shower buzzed.

What's that?

You could pass a breathalyzer.

Ah! That's not a party.

You're good at planning parties that are like parties.

You know, drunk people, dancing, nudity.

Oooh, thank you very much.

But this is a grown-up party.

And what? You're some kinda expert?

Well, I did go to a Young Professionals mixer.

Yeah, okay, when?

Last week at the Burbank Airport Marriott.


You know I was friends with Gemma first.

Yeah, but she and I are closer.

Okay. All right, I hope you have a really good time with your new best friend Gemma.

I hope you two scissor all day long while you look at champagne toots.

They're flutes, Nicole. And you know that.

No, I don't!

Very enthusiastic.

Good job, Denise.

Gina, look how Nicole's doing it.

I believe in you, Gina!

Stick that butt out, Armando.

All right, everyone, you've learned how to pop it.

Now we're gonna learn how to drop it.

Nicole, what does the song say you're supposed to do?

Drop it to the floor.

Mm-hmm. And where are you dropping it?

Slightly above the floor, because my back hurts.




Thank you!

I like your moves.

Uh, and I like what I'm seeing poking through them shorts.

Thank you. I'm Kyle.

I'm Nicole.

I was wondering if you would like to get a cup of coffee.

Well, stop wondering. I'd love to.

I spent two years at a shady acting school.

And then I dropped out, and then I moved here from Jersey with my best friend.

Oh, so you're an actress?


Have you ever seen "The Hunger Games"?


I haven't.

But I saw the commercial, and I was like, "That's definitely what I wanna be doing."

So what do you do?

I wanna be a stripper in a high-class club.

It's just so hard to get noticed out here.

I don't mean to sound stuck-up, but I'm an Omaha ten.

In L.A., I'm like a four.

Do not do that to yourself.

You can do anything in L.A.!

Well, technically, this is Van Nuys.

But literally, anything is possible.

One week, you could be a waitress.

The next week, you could be working in a shoe store.

Then what?

Oh, I don't know. I haven't gotten there yet.


But it'll be great.


You really seem to know what you're doing.

Thank you. I do.

Would you mind watching my routine?


You want my opinion?


I mean, maybe you could tell me what I'm doing wrong.

You're not gonna just like ask for help and then tell me my suggestions are terrible?

No. Why would I do that? That's crazy.

That is crazy.

You know what?

Veronica's an idiot.

Why are you up?

It's bridal shower stuff.


You've been at this all day.

Can't Nicole do some of this?


I've sort of taken over planning of the shower.

Ah, Nicole doesn't wanna help.

No, Raymond, she wants to help just way too much and in a very wrong direction, so...

Yeah, I can imagine.

Also, I'm kinda into this.


How's that?

I'll be straight with you.

I'm disappointed.

What's wrong?

When I look at you, I see farm boy.

Use it.

Make me think of sex in a barn.

Sex on some hay.

Sex on a tractor.

Sex on a cow.

How do I do that?

With one of those milk gallon hats.

I don't know.

Do that boot scootin' line dancing thing you people do.

How do you know so much about this?

Well, I am kind of a male strip club expert.

All right, now...... we're gonna do this again.

I want you to go into a prong.

Into a snake bag.

I want you to h*t that six pack.

Lift that head up high!

Say hi with your hat.

Okay, keep it classy but sexy.

And lasso! Lasso!

Into splits! Oh!

Eh, okay, all right.

You know what? We can work on that.


You're so generous, Nicole.

I am.

See, that's what happens when people give me a chance.

I surprise them.

And that's how I know you, Kyle, are a good person.

You accept my help without pushing me away like a child that thinks they know better.

You're a really good person, too, Nicole.

And you've been so patient with me.

Thanks. I try.

Mm, mm.

Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, no, no.

Truly, I would love to.

I need you to keep that sexual energy.

No sex.

No more jerking.

Ladies love working with a full pouch.


Whatever it takes.

All right, well, if it makes you feel any better, I will probably rub one out to you tonight.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hey, Nicole.


It looks good in here.

I love it.


I just wanted everything to look really nice for tomorrow.

Kinda surprised myself.

Oh hey, can you finish with those raffia bows?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, listen, I was talking to my intern, and I'm very sorry about getting heated yesterday.

That's not who I am.



It's a long story.

Anyway, I am sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I have a gift for you.

I asked the lady at the vintage store for the classiest thing they had.

Oh, cocktail umbrellas.

Thank you.

These are great.

You're welcome.

Do you need any help?

I think we're good.

Come on, I've got lots of great ideas that are just as classy as those umbrellas.

Like what?

Oh, you know, like a Pinterest-y... uh... cup, you know, with little shellac buttons and jewelry.

Honestly, I think we're good.

We're almost done.

Okay, well, let me hop back to my intern and do a performance review.

You know, keep him on his toes.

See you guys later.

Bye, Nicole.



"Magic Mike."

"Magic Mike XXL."

"Chocolate City."

I've seen 'em all, and I've studied 'em.

Da, da, da, da! Ow!

Wha... what are you doing?

You're off carbs.

I need your body to get shredded.

But I love bread.

We all love bread.

Bread is many people's favorite things.

Oprah loves bread.

But you can't eat bread and have a smokin' body.

Do you wanna strip or what?


Do you wanna strip re-e-e-al bad?


All right then, let's do it!

Let's do it!

Why do I need the wheat?

To tickle the ladies, duh.

Come on, it's all part of the fantasy.

I guess that makes sense.

You don't guess.

You know.




Ooh, all right, let's see what's going on here.


Yas, yas, yas, yas, yas, yas.

Do you have to grope me every time?

Yeah, how else will I know if that body's getting tight?

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Another lap.


You gonna sass me?

Another lap.

Whoo, ah!

Hot today.

You ready?

I forgot my wheat.



Not perfect, but good.

Whoo, yah!

Remember these?

Yeah, trying to bring it back.

I might not even go to that dumb party anyway.

You have to go.

You are the most fun person I've ever met.

That party will be lame without you.

It's already lame.

Well, then imagine how much more lame it's gonna be if you're not there.

Oh, you're so sweet, Kyle.

You're the best.

What's this?

A celebration!

I...got you an audition at Men of Steel!


Make a wish!


How'd you do this?

I asked them to tape some candles to the bottles.

No, the tryout.

Oh, I went down there, and I apologized for my behavior at Sarah's bachelorette party.

And I said, "I am not leaving until you get my boy Kyle an audition."

And they said yes?

Yeah, after I agreed to waitress for them for two weeks for free.

But jokes on them.

I'm very terrible at it.

You are amazing.


Nope, nope.

These are ceremonial.

You're not allowed to have this.

It's a bottle filled with carbs.

Go get yourself a water.

Go. High knees.

Keep 'em high.

Make sure your butt is nice, tight, and firm like a baby.

Oooh, bad comparison.

I don't know if I can thank you enough for this shower.

It's so beautiful.

And those Persian cucumbers that you curled, that must have taken forever.

You were so specific about how you wanted them.

I know. I'm crazy.

No, oh my God, I loved getting all those emails from you.

Oh, good.





Uh-oh, these do not taste good in my mouth.


Uh, hell no.

I'm about to Instagram the cupcakes.

Is there any hashtag I should use?

Please use #Gemmashowerpower or #preciousgems.

And that's G-E-M-S.


Why the hell did you throw these away?


You were not supposed to see those.

Yeah, well, I did.

Why didn't you just tell me you hated them?

Mean is throwing them in the garbage, Veronica.

Veronica, I think we're running low on mini quiches.

We'll talk about this later.

No, we'll talk about this now.


Hey, can I have one of those umbrellas?

They've been in the garbage.

Uh, I could use anything to liven up this party.

I know, right? You know, I was supposed to plan this party with Veronica?

What? That would have been fun.

Yeah, well, she pushed me away.

What a mistake.

This could've been like Gal-entine's Day in Vegas, you know?

All of us at the El Cortez.

And then you got so drunk that you threw up, and then your nose started bleeding.

And I was like, "Oh no, we're gonna have to a hospital.

And none of us have insurance."

I know. Yeah.

And Veronica asked those finance douches to pay for all of our drinks.


Yeah, uh.

And look at her now.

All Gwyneth Paltrow, being all goopy.

Ugh, I wish you'd planned this party.

It would've been a lot more fun.



Ooh, you guys, it's all your kisses.

The purple one's mine.

You like to be different.

Ah, you're so cute.

I got it.


Can you pretty ladies tell me how to get to a Greyhound bus station?

Oh no, it's a lost country boy.




Tamera, no!


Go all the way!


I can't.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't do this!

I can't do this!

I'm still mad at you.

I want that man out of my house.

He's nervous. He'll come out when he's ready.


What was he supposed to do?

Nobody was having any fun.

Who wasn't having fun?

Tamera, or Tamara.

Who else wasn't having any fun?

I don't know.

I didn't talk to any of those other girls.

Are you kidding me?

One person is bored, and you call a stripper?



Why didn't you let me help with anything?

Because I wanted this to be sophisticated.

I'm not sophisticated?

I did not say that.

But you did bring a stripper to a bridal shower.

And I'm 100% sure that there's booze in your purse.

I would never.

And you need to stop acting like the boss of fanciness.

You went to one mixer at a Marriott.

That's one more than you've been to.

Why are you proud of that?

Is this what you want life to be?

Like fancy napkins and tiny food?

What happened to you?

This does kinda suck.

And that mixer sucked to.

I bet.

And all this was so much work.

I'm so tired.

I just wanna drink... a lot.

I got you.

I knew it.

Thank you. I need this.

You're welcome.

Ooh, take it easy. Save some for me.

Also, wait, that's straight vodka, my friend.

Please, oh no.

All right, I'm back.

I will do damage control with the ladies.

You get the stripper out of the bathroom.

I have left over pills from my wisdom teeth surgery.

And he can have one. Okay.




Yes, one.

Can I come in?


I have a croissant.

I'm gonna open the door a little.

And you put the pastry through, then step away.


Hey! Wha... aah!

I told you were off carbs.

You're still training.

What is going on?

Get back out there.

You have a waiting audience.

I'm not going back out there again.

You can't give up now, you've come too far to give up.

I'm not coming out.

You listen to me.

If you think those ladies out there are tough, what do you think your audition's gonna be like?

Those club owners are jackals, okay?

I need you to get over whatever's happening right here, get out there, and shake that ass.


I'm scared.

This one's from Anya.

Can I have your attention, please?

We are at a crossroads here.

Are we the type of ladies that long for tiny foods and everything matching?

Or are we young, horny, and ready to party?

I'm horny.

That's my girl.

We have a scared male stripper in that bathroom.

Think about it.

We did that to him.

We scared a stripper.

That's not us.

We're not stripper repellant.

So let's make some noise and show 'em what kind of ladies we really are!

Hell ya!

Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!

Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!


All right, cowboy, time to rope this filly.

Fair warning, she's got some kick.

This is not the party I wanted.

He's ruining my shower.

Man, [bleep], the shower.


Well, if that's how you feel, you'll be spending the entire wedding at the kids' table.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!


Oh shit!


This is a bad idea.

Gemma texted me and said she wanted to see us.

How long was she in the hospital?

Three days.

Do you think she's serving us with a lawsuit?

Because if I see papers, I... am... running so fast.

Ooh, here she comes.

Is that her?

My God, she looks good.

Hi, guys!

Hey, Gemma, you look... you look great.

Yeah, how are you feeling?


Really? You're not... you're not mad at us?

Of course not.

Breaking my jaw was the best thing that's ever happened to me.


Well, I wanted to lose the last five pounds of my wedding weight.

And thanks to you guys, I lost eight.

Ha, can you believe it?

I haven't weighed this much since I was 19.

Oh well, you're welcome.

I love you girls.

All right, I'm gonna go get a juice, and I'll be right back.


Her face.

Oh my God.

It looks like she ate a bunch of bees.

Oooh, why aren't you at Men of Steel getting ready for your tryout?

Doing like coke or pushups or whatever?

Can I come in?


Kyle, what's wrong?

I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

But... something changed in me after that bridal shower.

Oh, don't worry.

Gemma's happy.

She said she lost eight pounds.

But guess what?

I don't believe it.


I had an epiphany when I was riding with her in the ambulance.

What does that mean?

It's a moment of clarity, when you have a life-changing realization.

Oooh, that's a good word.

I'm gonna use that in a sentence later this week.

I wanna go back to school and be an EMT.

I wanna help people.

So you're gonna move back to Omaha?


I miss being a ten.

And... and I miss bread.

Mm. I love bread.

Are you done stripping?



You okay?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I'm just taking off my underwear.
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