06x04 - Homecoming

[bunniefuu]

Back in the bosom of Lady Liberty. New York!

Your baby boy's triumphant return!

Fitzgerald High's Distinguished Alum of the Year coming through!

Make way!

A lot of energy after that red-eye.

I feel terrible. My eyes are all red af...

Oh, I see what they did.

Yeah, I feel normal.

Most nights I sleep sitting up in my clothes, holding a plastic cup with garbage in it anyhow, so...

This is my man, and he is distinguished, people.

Yes, the high school that once treated me like a nobody is finally recognizing me for what I am.

This is it. This is all happening.

Comeuppance. Genuine come up the pants!

Just being back in New York is actually a comeback for me.

'Cause the last time I was here... wasn't great.

Aah!

Oh!

[screaming, thudding]

[upbeat jazz playing]

[thudding]

I love New York!

♪ ♪

Hey, Mama!

Back! Get back from the curb!

There's maniacs out here!

Well, I'm being careful, Mom. God!

Thank God you are here, Jess.

I could not get through a weekend with Schmidt's mom without you.

Do you know that she carried him for 11 months?

PADFUNT.

PAD... PADFUNT?

Positivity Always, Decency Forever, Understanding No Trouble.

That's my strategy for surviving New York.

And that's how you survive Louise.

Look at my boy!

Are you wearing suntan lotion?

Yes.

Say hello to your brother.

Oh, hello, Reggie.

Kiss your brother.

What?

Kiss your brother. He loves it!

I don't want to. I don't want to.

Kiss him! Kiss him on the lips.

He loves it. Come on.

I don't want to, Mama!

Come on, Schmidt. It's okay. I'll kiss him.

Why would you do that? He's your husband's brother. That's gross.

Hey, Louise.

Ah, there she is.

Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are gonna grab a cab into the city.

Get one of our famous extravagant lunches.

Your what?

You know our thing.

We're men of means. We like nice lunches.

Men of means? This is New York City.

A city only one Baldwin can afford.

I would love to offer up a retort, but true men of means are rich in dignity.

Yes, they're also rich in money.

Just remember to be back by 7:00.

And it's Fitzgerald High School in Great Neck.

If you can't remember Great Neck, Sure. that's what they used to call me in high school, 'cause...

Well, 'cause I was dangerously fat, specifically in the neck area.

We won't forget. Let's get a cab.

[laughs]

Men of means!

Men of means!

Welcome to Long Island, the real New York.

This is such a lovely home, Louise.

Yes, it is.

Who wants Crystal Light?

Oh, me. Thank you.

That is good. I'd kiss you, but that would mean I made out with both of Schmidt's parents.

[Schmidt groans softly]

Jess: Yeah.

Good vibes. Great trip so far.

Well...

I'm gonna go wardrobe prep for tonight and press my suit.

I'll press it.

Or I... I can press it.

Can you, though?

[whispers]: PADFUNT.

Whew! I am stuffed.

What a lunch. Expensive but worth it.

I'm still feeling a bit peckish. Please, a third lobster at once.

And a telephone on a tray. Rotary.

[laughs]

Both: Men of means!

It was lavish, but we deserved it.

80% tip, zero percent regret.

Ooh, that sounds good. Hey... keep it up.

Little five spot.

Little crispy Abe!

Hey, today, we are going for it.

[whooping and laughing]

Yeah, man.

You got it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, that's all you right there.

You got it? Man, I don't have any money. I need to borrow a little bit. I spent everything.

I was gonna ask you.

I spent all my cash on lunch.

Well, I only take prepaid debit cards with me on trips so I can stick to a budget.

I'm tapped out, man. Use your credit card.

I don't have a credit card!

You don't have a credit card?

Once you get one, you're in their system.

I have zero dollars.

Okay, well, how are we supposed to get to Long Island?

So, we don't have any money?

[drumming]

[indistinct woman's voice over P.A.]

Excuse me?

I put five dollars in there earlier.

I need to take $4.50 out.

I guess you could say my ears are bigger than my pockets.

Oh!

Very close to hitting my finger!

Brother, brother, brother.

[laughs]

How you doing, black man? Black man, how you...?

Aah! Oh!

I got this. Let me tap in.

[groans]

Black man, black man, my brother, my brother.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Is that the homecoming welcome package?

I want to see what picture of me they used.

I sent in, like, 20.

[laughs]

I hope they used the one of me shaking hands with Pierce Brosnan.

We really ruined his dinner, but it was worth it.

What the hell?

There's, like, 100 honorees.

[sighs]

"An opportunity for various alumni to support our dream of purchasing a new gymnasium scoreboard"?

They're not honoring me. They're shaking me down!

Of course.

The alumni association is run by the same jerks who used to pull this crap on me back in high school.

Every student council meeting needs some pizza.

Here you go, Marissa. My treat.

Cool. Thanks.

You can take off now.

[laughs] But it's my house.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go for a lap around the block, then.

The only thing she devoured more than my pizza was my self-esteem, and now she's back for seconds.

Ugh! That's gut-wrenching!

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm sorry in a way only a mother could be.

It sucks that it was so cool to be a bully when we were young.

This is a disaster. If you need me, I'll be in my room... blasting Dookie on cassette.

Wait! Schmidt.

[sighs]: Oh.

Freakin' New York.

[door closes]

Ma, you turned my room into Reggie's room?

I hate my brother!

You all right in there, baby?

I got this.

A mother knows how.

You all right in there, baby?

Let me try.

Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt?

♪ I am one of those ♪
♪ Melodramatic fools ♪

Schmidt? Schmidt?

♪ Neurotic to the bone ♪

Schmidt?

♪ No doubt about it ♪

Schmidt?

Schmidt?

Okay, okay.

[whispers]: Just one more.

Schmidt?

Schmidt: Shut up!

[quietly]: Yes, I did it.

Leave me alone, ass hat!

Jess: I know you didn't mean that.

Is there anything that we can do to make you feel better right now?

Schmaegalman's.

Schmaegalman's?

Schmaegalman's is his favorite deli. He loves their soup.

He's telling us he's hungry! Do you not know when he's hungry?

I know when he's hungry, Louise.

I'll stay here in case he needs me.

Cece, you go get the soup.

Maybe I should stay here, considering I'm his wife?

Fine. We'll order in Ling's Palace.

It's fine. It's just fine.

[shouting]: We're getting Ling's Palace because your wife won't get Schmaegalman's.

Aah!

Hey, guys.

I want everyone to have a really great trip.

You both stay here. I'm gonna go to Schmergerman...

I'm gonna go to Schmaegel...

Cece: Schmaegalman's.

Bagelman's?

No.

Schmaegalman.

Maegalman's?

Maegal. Yeah.

I'm gonna go to... to the deli.

You?

Can I borrow your car, please?

If you get so much as a scratch on it, you'll never leave New York.

Because you'll be dead.

Because I'll be dead.

You can't handle that deli.

I think I can handle going to a deli.

[clamoring]

[exhales] PADFUNT.

I got this.

We got this, man. Don't worry about it.

We're industrious, you know? We're resourceful.

Just got to...

[coins jangle]

Hey. Follow my lead.

[chuckles] ♪ Gather round, everybody ♪
♪ Gather round, everybody ♪

[chuckling musically]

They're gathering. Gather round.

[chuckles] Yes, yes. Yes, indeed.

What's the plan?

We're gonna show 'em our talent.

That's what we're gonna do. [grunts, chuckles]

What time is it? It's showtime.

What time is it? It's showtime.

Who wants to see what he's gonna do?

I do!

'Cause I'm gonna do it.

He's gonna do it!

I'll do it!

Nick: Got to do it!

Let's do it!

It's honestly time to do it!

Yeah, we're about to!

[chuckling]

Y'all don't want to miss this! [chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah.

[chuckles]

All right, get ready for showtime!

We gonna do something with this!

Oh, yeah.

This the main event right here!

[whoops]

Woman: The next L train is now arriving...

What is this? What is this?

On the Manhattan track.

Did it just work? [chuckles]

Yes, sir, my man, I think it did!

Let's count up all this loot.

That's several... see what we find right here.

That's seventy... We got 72 cents.

So if we just stall until the train arrives, we never have to do anything.

What time is it?

It's showtime!

What time is it?

It's showtime!

[chuckling musically]

Excuse me, sir. Is this the line?

[chuckles] What a New York character.

You're a New York character.

Oh, sorry. Um, I was just... getting in line behind you. [chuckles]

Don't want to get in a pickle.

That's just deli fun. Oh.

There you go, sweetheart. Okay, there we go!

Hi, do you have special soup...

This is the cream cheese line. Next.

You're still here?

I'm sorry. I'll just...

Next!

Yes, um...

Too slow! Next!

Two pounds of whitefish.

Beautiful baby. Okay.

Don't talk to me.

Man: 43, 44, 45, 46...

Oh, yes, um...

46. Two black-and-whites.

May I please have the... Oh, uh, Excuse me, I'm 45.

Yeah, he already called it, slowpoke.

Here you go.

Welcome to New York. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

No!

I'm 45!

45 is before 46!

You'll get your damn cookies when you give me your ass!

[clatter]

One large special soup now!

Schmidt, it's Jess. I got your soup but not until I punched this city in the damn throat.

I thought you were all about keeping it positive.

That is for sucker MCs and West Coast punks.

This city's a jungle, so you better be a freaking lion.

That goes for you, too, Schmidt.

I had an epiphany getting your soup.

That's what you got to do tonight.

What are you talking about?

You're a really special guy, and you got to let everyone in high school know that.

So you got to go to that homecoming, you got to grab that mic, and you got to roast that Marissa and the rest of those junkyard... fat cats.

I'm gonna tell them all what I really think of them.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Somebody bring me an ironing board!

Oh, I got it, babe.

Coming, darling!

What else you got, New York?

You want to step into me?

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop! NYPD!

Ma'am, I need to commandeer this vehicle.

If you want to commandeer this vehicle, then you're gonna have to commandeer this ass.

Thanks a lot New York.

Aah!

Watch my soup.

[screaming]

Man: What are you doin'?

Where'd you learn to drive?

Damn it.

You commandeered my friend's mom's car and then you crashed it?

That's like me asking to borrow your dumb cop jacket and then... just crashing it.

Man, I thought I had this city licked.

But in the end, it was me who got licked.

Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some... reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy...

I was obviously speaking metaphorically.

Right. Me, too. Our city is wonderful. It's a great place to walk around.

So what about my friend's mom's car?

Let me guess, there's nothing you can do.

No, ma'am, listen, everything's gonna be fine.

Just go to the 99th Precinct, and I promise you...

You will be treated in the most efficient and pleasant way imaginable.

Proof of ownership. Liability release.

Waiver of responsibility. Smog check.

Non-operation of a boat.

Waiver of somethin'.

Liability release.

Ya-dee-da. Da-dee-da.

And da.

This is an application to join the NYPD softball team.

You think I like sitting here, handing you form after form?

Kind of.

You're right.

I do.

God, it's like you're in here.

Aw, the train! What terrible timing.

You're gonna miss the show. What a drag!

It's crazy, man.

Charles: This is amazing.

Do you guys need volunteers? Because I'll do it.

I was just telling my son how I've always dreamed of being a busker.

Well, guess what. [chuckles]

You have just introduced yourself to the best buskers in the business.

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, due to a signal problem at 51st Street all trains are currently delayed.

Thank you for your patience.

Nick: What do we do now, Winston?

[chuckles] We are about to busk, baby.

Okay, you're busking with the best!

In the most unbelievable, I said inconceivable, unthinkable, unbelievable, also unthinkable...

Are you stalling?

[chuckles] In what world?

In-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in...

[stammering]

What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what...

Jess?

Hey, Cece, I-I know I'm late.

It's this freakin' city.

Huh?

A cop wrecked Louise's car.

What?

I'm waiting to talk to his captain.

What are you talking about right now?

Just tell her it's fine.

Did you tell Schmidt to do a roast tonight?

Funk yeah, I did. That's how you deal with this town.

Well, I think that's a huge mistake.

What, to defend your husband?

I didn't say that, Louise.

Mom, how's this?

"In conclusion, you're ugly. I make money.

"You just got roasted by the California Kid."

I think it's sensational.

[chuckles]

Can you please just get back here?

We're not ready yet!

We're not ready yet, 'cause I got to do something that you didn't know I was about to do.

Do it!

Blow your mind. Oh.

Another piece of the puzzle!

Whoa!

We're taking it to the top!

Do it, do it, [chanting "Do it!"]

Thank you for starting that chant.

Do... You got it.

Okay, it's, uh... it's looking like we have to do it.

Okay, I don't know what "it" is.

"It" is looking like a jump.

Okay, that is bone-chilling news. It's too long.

Look, we have no choice, okay? We got to get to Long Island.

[chanting continues]

We can do it. We can do it.

All right! Here we go!

Okay! Here we go! Here we go!

[chanting continues]

On the count of three.

[chanting continues]

One, two, three.

♪ Let this be a moment ♪

[distorted grunt]

♪ A moment you shine ♪

[distorted]: You can do it!

♪ 'Cause you can do anything. ♪

[grunts]

[crowd groans]

[Nick groans]

Charles: That was great. That was great!

[Nick continuing groaning] I broke my back.

Winston.

We-Well, your car should be fixed by morning.

How do I know you're not lying?

I never lie.

Although I told my mother her hair looked good once... and it didn't.

Just looked okay.

Okay, I believe you, even though you're from the city of garbage water and pizza trash.

What is your problem with this city?

[sighs]

I've just never had a good experience here.

I came here once before and it was a complete disaster.

Did you go to the opera and were disappointed?

It's this new director.

No, I actually...

I had this great week planned, and then thing after thing went wrong, and then I cut my trip off early.

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

That's when that was?

Obviously, I don't know because I have no idea what you're talking about.

I left early and I went home and surprised my boyfriend.

♪ Who's that girl... ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Spencer was the actual worst.

He called sex "making tacos."

Well, you know what I always say?

Things happen for a reason...

Yes, and the reason that New York sucked was because I was supposed to catch Spencer, No, you didn't let me finish.

.. 'cause I wasn't supposed to end up with him.

I always say things happen for a reason, and that reason is random chance.

No, you were right the first time.

New York wasn't kicking my ass, it was nudging it, gently, in the right direction.

[gasps]

Just like you are right now.

Yes.

Yes, that's what's happening.

You can't be mad at your past... it makes you who you are. And...

Oh, my God.

I told my friend to do something really stupid, and I have to go stop him.

Hey, do you want to do something very, super considerate?

We can't provide you with a police escort.

I wasn't gonna ask that.

Yeah, you were.

Yeah, I was.

But here: my lunch.

It's not Schmaegalman's, but take it. It's Ling's Palace.

It's fine.

It's just fine.

Oh, Dragon! Did I miss it?

Uh-uh. It's cool.

That's a really realistic-looking costume, with the smoke and everything.

Oh, you're just hotboxing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a vice principal.

Hey...

Oh!

You're a mess, dude.

[laughs]

And with Fitzgerald High's new scoreboard, we can make Great Neck great again.

[laughs]

Wait, wait, Schmidt.

What? What, is my makeup too thick?

What? No, no, you look great.

Uh, look, you can't do this. I was wrong.

Wh... What are you talking about? This was your idea.

I know. But I was wrong.

You can't be mad at these people.

But they were all horrible to me Jess.

And that's why you left.

You created your own path.

You changed cities. You made friends.

You found your purpose. You met the love of your life.

I sure did.

Just enjoy your evening.

You know, you have nothing to say to these people.

If anything... Thank you.

I can't wait to see the look on Schmidt's face when he realizes we made it.

Well, he wanted us to make it.

As I was saying, though, I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes that we made it, though, right?

That's just gonna be like, "Oh."

I know, but... just be exc... Yeah, I can't wait, though, right?

Okay? We can't score without you.

[laughs]

Whoa. Hello.

Is this Schmidt? What... what are you doing?

Um... [clears throat] Excuse me, Marissa, I'm very sorry.

I... I would just be remiss if I let this moment pass me by.

You know, I'm a lucky man.

Because I wouldn't be the man that I am today if it weren't for the experiences that I've had right here.

So, thank you... for being the worst that humankind has to offer.

That includes Harvey Levin and every cast member that's ever been on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Thank you for showing me that athletic apparel is something that should never be worn outside the house, you chubby-thumbed pickle hoarders.

And in conclusion, you're all ugly. I make money.

You just got roasted by the California Kid. I did it!

Oh, you sure do talk a lot when your mouth isn't full...

Great Neck.

[laughter]

Thank you, Schmidt. Boy, that was real embarrassing for you, huh?

They're taunting my baby.

This is not good.

[gasps]

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt.

So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style.

I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea.

Those are parallel streets. I'm not telling her that.

That's my daughter!

[crowd booing]

We have to leave. Where's my car?

Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.

Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something.

Trust us.

Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, b*tches. El Matador beach.

You're just naming places in Southern California.

Cece: Nickel Canyon!

What the...

Told you we were men of means.

Men of means!

[all cheering]

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

All right!

Winston: Scoot over, scoot over, I can't fit.

Later, bro...

Tell 'em this story, Denny.

Tell 'em all!

You guys have a good time. All right. Uh... [grunts]

Oh, man, I'm a mess.

God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving.

Coach: What the hell is going on?

Were you not gonna call me?

How long you been here?

We literally just got here.

Well, we were gonna go...

I had a, uh...

If I wasn't...

If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been...

The only reason I'm not pissed... it's because I've been in L.A. like five times.

So... we're good.

[all cheering]

I've got other friends