02x05 - D.K.’s Korean Ghost Story

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Allison. No costume this year?

[Laughs] Or as I should say...

[Laughs shrilly]

Way to commit.

Thanks.

It really hurt my throat.

[Moaning]

Ooh, let me guess.

Are you Sia? Sia's grandmother?

Close... I'm Sia-later [See ya later].

[Laughter] Sia-later, y'all.

That's way more clever than hot dog.

Hey, it's Dr. Hot Dog, okay?

That really hurts, Allison.

You make fun of my costume every year.

Then you of all people should know how hurtful that is.

Ooh, holiday treats.

[Clears throat]

[Clearing throat] Don't do it.

Don't do what?

Oh, good, someone's finally trying my Hallow-vegan boo-nana bites.

I gave you the warning cough. [Coughs]

What do you think? Can you taste the lentils?

[Straining] Yeah, it's very dusty.

Ooh, that's the mushrooms.

Okay.

So, what's everyone got planned for tonight?

Probably get my stomach pumped, my tongue sanded.

Because of your cookies, to be clear.

Well, I certainly have no plans, that's for sure.

Yeah, just sort of hoping something pops up.

Maybe a party or gathering with a few work friends.

I'm available.

So, Allison, how are the kids?

Molly's good, but I'm a little worried about Dave.

Oh, oh. We're really doing this.

Okay.

The other day I caught him on the computer looking at...

I know where this is going.

You really don't.

He has a Pinterest board of the top cities to retire in.

He's 11.

Ah! Tell him Scottsdale.

That's where I'm heading when the music stops.

I'll pass that along.

The point is, he's trying to grow up too fast.

He's not even trick-or-treating tonight.

What?! Then who's gonna give me my sour gummy worms?

You know you can buy candy, right?

I know!

Sorry, I'm overheating. It's really warm in here.

The thing is, every Halloween, I have this tradition of scaring the hell out of Dave.

Geez, you really are a witch.

Um, I don't get that because Allison's not dressed up like anything right now.

Okay.

I mean like a fun scare like my mom used to do to me and my brother when we were kids. And we loved it.

That's why Halloween's my favorite holiday.

And Dave loves it, too.

He'd scream and jump into my arms, and I'd get a good snuggle.

Aww.

But now he says it's too baby-ish.

This morning, I woke him up with this, but nothing.

[Screams]

Spider! Run!

[Chuckles]

It's fake.

It's not real.

I know!

Sorry, I really got to get out of this.

[Doorbell rings]

Trick or treat!

Trick or treat!

Oh, you two look so cute.

I remember when I used to trick-or-treat.

Well, have fun and be safe out there.

Thanks, Dave. See you at school tomorrow.

Okay, Barry. Be good, Wayne!

[Chuckles] Kids.

Okay, I have to throw together a costume for tonight.

Anyone have any ideas?

I thought Tammy's party was no costumes.

It was, but then Tammy got the flu, lost three pounds, and now wants everyone in costumes so she can show off.

[Scoffs] Teenagers.

You guys, I have 30 minutes to figure out what to go as.

Here's idea.

You can roll around in garden, go as dirt person.

And now I have 29 minutes.

Dave, you want a snack?

Oh, no, I made a mistake!

Those are eyeballs from the hospital!

Nice try, mom. They're peeled grapes.

The only thing scary about them is that all the nutrients are in the skin.

Seriously? You didn't even flinch.

I'm not a little kid. Nothing scares me anymore.

Except Social Security running out, or the ripple effects of the Brexit.

I used to love scaring you and having you run into my bed.

I miss snuggling my little boy.

Yeah, it was fun while it lasted.

No costume?

Shut up.

You know, Dave, it's good that you're not scared anymore.

I agree, it's really gonna help my high-dive game.

I have a ghost story.

But, uh... it's too scary for children.

A ghost story on Halloween? Groundbreaking.

Oh, but it's not a normal ghost story.

It's a gwishin story.

Gwishin?

Yeah.

"Gwishin" means "ghost" in Korean.

I never told your father this story when he was a boy because he would've been too scared.

Pshh! I ain't afraid of no gwishin.

Me, neither. But go ahead, Grandpa.

Tell us your little story.

A long time ago, there was a boy named Hyun who lived with his mother in a cottage by the woods.

Every morning, Hyun's mother would walk him to school. One day, he decided he was old enough to walk alone.

My sweet boy, it's too dangerous, and you're too young.

Come on, Mom.

I'm basically 11 going on 46.

I'm a big boy.

But we live on the edge of a haunted forest.

There's all kinds of ghosts out there that could hurt you.

Especially... the faceless ghost.

[Gasps]

What does he look like?

Really? The name doesn't...

I promise I know the way.

Right, right, left, right, left, straight for a while, then left, third door on your right.

Well, that is the way.

Fine, but no shortcuts and don't talk to strangers.

Geez, don't get your burlap panties in a bunch.

I got this, Mom.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

[Smooches]

I like this kid. He's got gumption.

And I bet he makes it to school without incident.

What do you think?

I could put my hair up in a pompadour and be Janelle Monae.

Is that my tux?

And how are the legs so... short on you?

I don't know.

'Cause you have the body of a gymnast, minus the muscle and the skill and the temperament.

You can't borrow it, because I got married in it, and hopefully one day, Dave will get married in it, too.

Dad, I'm tearing up.

May I?

I'm sorry. We were having a moment.

By now, Hyun was deep into the woods and he was very thirsty. Luckily, he came upon an old stone well.

An old stone well.

Let me guess... Hyun gets a waterborne illness from drinking out of an unreliable source?

What type of ghost story would that be?

An educational one that saves many lives.

Just as Hyun was about to touch the water...

Great! A person.

This was a chong gak gwishin, which means "bachelor ghost." He wanders eternally looking for love, but is so lonely he'll settle for a friend.

Yeah, I really didn't have anything planed for tonight, so I'm really happy to see you.

Hey, would you like to join me in a pint of death water?

Death water?

This guy's throwing off some serious stranger danger.

This guy's badass just like Hyun.

They should buy leather jackets and lean against walls together.

He's your father.

He's your son.

Anyway, there they were at the well.

Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Oh, don't think of me as a stranger, no.

Regard me rather as a creepy friend who will be at your side for all eternity.

That checks out.

Cheers.

Why is this called death water anyway?

What? Huh? No, nothing! Huh?

I'll tell you this much, you certainly won't die from having just one little sip of it.

Hey, would you like to be distracted by a really cool party trick?

Check this out.

[Grunts]

Huh?

Here, catch.

[Screams]

[Splash]

[Sighs] Aw, man.

Right, right, left, right, left, straight for a while, then left, third door on your right.

Where's the door?

Where's the door?!

This... is... bananas.

You went to get your beer five minutes ago.

What took so long?

I did get a beer five minutes ago.

This is my second beer.

Daddy's drinking because the story makes him nervous, not because he doesn't love you.

No judgment.

I'm drinking for the same reason.

So, Hyun was totally lost in the woods...

"Blair Witch" style. And he wandered right into a cemetery.

Why a cemetery? It's always a cemetery.

Why you enter my bedroom?

This is the Jeoseung Saja, the powerful, handsome Korean grim reaper.

Your bedroom's a cemetery?

Of course.

Where you think "sleep when you're dead" come from?

[Laughs]

Actually, I was just passing through.

Can't let you go... until you and I play a little game.

Game? Oh, I see. H-How about hide and seek?

You hide and I'll seek a way out of here.

Tough crowd.

Jeoseung Saja's one humorless gwishin.

Or Hyun is not as funny as he think he is.

What about this? Pretty fly, right?

Aw, sick! That's perfect!

The old threads from my break-dancing crew.

You were in a breakdancing crew?

Yeah, the Bibimbap Boyz.

It was dope!

Wait, the back's all split open.

Yep, from the time I went full windmill and split my pants on a crowded boardwalk.

[Chuckles]

That was a long and windy walk home.

Good times.

So, what game did Hyun have to play with the grim reaper?

With his lack of upper body strength, I pray it's not a ball sport.

I bet he's stronger than everyone things.

He's not.

Anyway...

I have riddle for you.

If you answer correctly, you go free.

If you answer incorrectly, you die.

The doctor's a woman. The w*apon was an icicle.

They were actually twins!

Riddle is... what wears clothing in its infancy but gets rid of it when reaching maturity?

Oh, I know that one.

Pass.

Hmm.

What wears clothing in infancy.

A human baby who's a catalogue model?

But then why does he lose his clothes?

Think, Dave. He's a nudist.

A human baby catalogue model who grows up to be a nudist.

Final answer.

No! How are you a doctor?

But Hyun knew the answer, right?

No, but Hyun was clever in other ways.

Okay, the answer to your riddle is...

Oh!

Right in the ghost nuts! The answer was bamboo!

Wait, bamboo wears clothing in its infancy?

Classic Korean riddle. Get onboard.

And so, Hyun wandered, not sure what to do or where to go.

From the distance, he heard a sound.

[Woman vocalizing]

It's a trap.

Or it's a rad pop-up concert in the woods.

Korea's Coachella.

[Woman vocalizing]

Who was she?

She was a gumiho. She lures children to her so she can eat their hearts and livers.

Not cool, gumiho.

[High-pitched vocalizing]

Uh... I'll listen from back here.

It's... beautiful, by the way.

I'm definitely gonna buy some merch after the encore.

♪ Ye-e-e-e-e-e-ah ♪

[Screams]

Got him!

Perfect.

Put him in the cage and ready him.

I wish he had a little bit more meat on him, but he'll do.

I'm starving.

You're going to die very soon.

[Laughing evilly]

I'm sorry, that's just nervous laughter.

Hyun can't get eaten! He's Hyun!

You want to know if he escapes?

Yes!

Yes!

Okay.

You'll find out after these messages.

Just a precaution if the lights go out because your grandfather accidentally opens up a portal to Korean hell.

Oh, I would never open portal to you doing karaoke.

[Laughs]

See? Now, that's funny.

Okay, can we get back to the story?

Well, that depends. Dave?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.

So, Hyun was locked in a cage, desperate to figure a way out.

[Shrieks]

I'm gonna eat you up. [Chuckles]

Aah!

[Sighs] Listen, come get me when it's 10 after.

I'm gonna need extra salt and a glass three quarters filled with death water.

Wow, you're very organized.

Yeah, well, I'd like to think that in another life I'd be an office manager.

With an attitude! Now back up!

So, what led you to take up employment for... gumiho, was it?

Oh, you and I have the same story.

Yeah, I got lost walking alone to school, and now I must serve her forever.

You went to East Boys Academy, too?

Yeah, go Raccoon Dogs!

[Chuckles]

Class of 1795.

Wait, so you're...

Dead? Yep.

But like, super flattered you couldn't tell.

I got to get out of here.

Why?

Aah!

Party's just getting started.

I thought we really hit it off back at the well, so I followed you here and I figured, you know... best friends forever.

And I do mean forever.

I really got to get out of here.

Hey, uh, dead boy?

Do you remember our school pledge?

Of course.

How's it go again?

"We are men of honor.

We are truthful day and night.

When a fellow raccoon dog needs me...

I always do... what's right."

Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh.

Now will you let me out of the cage?

Oh, God, no. Definitely not.

Great. What part of me are you gonna eat?

Oh, well, I'm a vegan, so I'm probably just gonna have, like, a pinecone salad.

Ooh, maybe with some bog pudding, 'cause it is my cheat day.

Ahh, I really thought the whole school spirit act was gonna work.

It did.

That was just to get him close enough so I could steal these.

[Chuckles]

I'm out of here, chong gak gwishin.

[Chuckles] Keep it real.

Or whatever this is.

What about me?!

[Chuckling] Oh, wait a sec.

I'm a ghost.

[Laughing] That always tickles.

Hyun was looking for anything to help him find his way.

Finally.

A message that couldn't be any clearer.

He walked down the dock and wondered what he should do next.

I wonder what I should do next.

[Splash]

This is the mulgwishin, a water ghost who uses her long arms to pull children into the lake.

Why on earth would they build a boys school in this area?

You'll have to excuse my appearance.

I didn't have time to find anything better to wear, so I just threw on this old thing.

Can I... have a hug?

Boy, I got to tell you, my instincts are saying yes.

[Screams]

[Screaming]

That's it. I'm out.

Ken, calm down. It's a story.

It's just so real.

What about this?

[Screaming]

Well, that settles it. Creepy cat lady it is.

It's not too scary for you, is it?

It's okay to go on?

Um...

Okay.

Wait.

There's a lump on that side of the sofa.

The floor is yours.

Come here, little man!

There he is!

Get him!

Aah!

I've come for you!

Honestly, I just want to be your friend.

[Branch cracks]

Wait, why did all the ghosts disappear?

Because the scariest gwishin of all was approaching.

Even the other ghosts are afraid of this one?

Get out of there, Hyun! You're just a boy!

This is the faceless Dalgyalgwishin.

So hideous, legend has it that if you look right at one, you will die instantly.

The Dalgyalgwishin disappeared into the mist.

Hyun was finally safe.

And that's the moment he learned not to act like a man when he was still just a boy.

That... was... bananas.

Phew!

But by then, he was too late.

Wait, what?!

[Muffled screaming]

[Screaming]

Mommy! Hold me!

Are you scared?

Oh, are you scared?

I never want to grow up.

I want you to walk me to school forever.

Of course I will, all the way through college.

[Mouths] Thank you.

I ain't afraid of no gwishin!

I ain't afraid of no gwishin!