02x04 - How Is It That Every Conversation We Have Comes Back to the Size of Your Penis

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Blunt Talk.

Your neighbor Ronnie has made a p*rn parody of Blunt Talk.

Blunt Cock?

Walter: Outrageous!

Get the lawyers to shut this down immediately.

It's just a break. I need some time to think.

Sylvia, darling, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Harry, what about me?

Uh...

It's a jump drive.

It has all my colleagues' files.

But please be careful.

This drought is deadly.

♪
♪ Blunt ♪
♪ Talk. ♪
♪

Major, might we be leaving soon?

I promised Sylvia I'd take her dancing.

It is Saturday night, sir.

Dancing? You hate to dance, Harry.

You always say your thighs chafe.

Well, Sylvia enjoys it, sir.

I'm sorry, Harry, but I am not ready to go.

This is an important story. It could affect the lives of millions.

Cornelia's m*rder*d friend seemed to be after Rudolph Global and its CEO Daniel Rudolph.

Why, Major?

Because they are set to make a profit from this drought so enormous, they may have committed m*rder to protect it.

Is there any real proof, sir?

[sighs]

No.

Might we perhaps, then, leave?

Sylvia...

Harry, please!

These people assaulted Cornelia.

This matters to me.

I'll tell you what.

Let's have a drink.

But, Major, Sylvia is important to me.

She's freed me from a lifetime of shame.

I know, Harry. It's wonderful what she's done, and it pains me to have to bring this up, but I have thought about it quite a lot, and I'd like you to consider... having Sylvia move out.

Move out?

What I would suggest is that she get her own place.

Her own place?

You could have Saturday and Wednesday off.

You see her then, which is the usual custody arrangement.

I don't like the direction of this conversation, Major.

I just don't want you to be hurt, Harry.

Sylvia's very bright.

She comes from a prominent family, but she's too young for you.

She's not. It's only a 25-year age difference.

That's true.

But then, ahem, think of the work she does.

I don't judge.

I'm just very protective of you.

Have you ever considered... how many men she has slept with?

No, sir, but have you considered how many men you've slept with?

Yes, three.

What?

There are only two mentions in the logbook of the love that dare not speak its name.

Well, I don't tell you everything, Harry.

What?

I'm entitled to have some secrets.

I was very unformed in my 20s.

But the logbook is meant to be a complete accounting of a life, sir.

A complete accounting!

A complete accounting isn't possible, Harry.

Too much goes on.

But that was our mission, Major!

A complete accounting of a life.

Li... like Boswell's Samuel Johnson... and I'm Boswell.

Stop it, Harry. You're irrational when it comes to the logbook.

Of course I am!

I've spent years recording every one of your dreams and bowel movements and tax audits.

I appreciate all that you have done, Harry, but...

It was you who said if we could understand the life of one man, that one man being Walter Blunt, then we could understand all of humanity.

I was wrong, Harry.

It is impossible to understand me, or humanity.

I would like Sylvia to move out.

But Herschel can stay?

Herschel is homeless.

Sylvia has a job working for Ronnie, for Christ's sake.

Are you really asking me to choose between you and Sylvia, Major?

♪

[exhales]

Um...

[sighs]

Halt. Halt.

Halt?

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, Martin.

I don't feel comfortable with you doing that.

I have low self-esteem down there.

Why? You're beautiful down there.

I'm not.

You know, it's like how you think your penis is small and I have to reassure you that it isn't.

It isn't, right?

I've told you, I've been with three guys and yours is the second biggest.

But I'm still not reassured by those numbers.

How is it that every conversation we have comes back to the size of your penis?

For once we're talking about my kitty cat.

I know. I'm sorry.

I wish you'd let me go back down there.

I'm still in the oral stage of development according to Freud.

What other stages are there?

a**l and genital.

[sighs]

Can you hold me?

We have it so good.

We live better than almost anyone else on the planet and yet sex often feels like a meaningless nightmare.

I know, but at least we're not alone, right?

Sometimes I feel alone even when you hold me.

[muffled] It's not your fault.

It's the human condition.

The what condition?

The human condition.

Wh-what was that?

[louder] The human condition.

Oh.

♪

This kid is so f*cking stupid.

Darling, sweetheart, look what turned up at the front door.

Oh!

It's my favorite couple.

Big Red and Little Sylvia.

Hello, Ms. Song.

Oh, please.

I'm Helen to everyone except Ronnie.

What does Ronnie call you?

Stanley.

Yeah, it was my dad's name.

He d*ed a few years ago.

Can you believe that Walter threw them out?

Do you know how much you two would fetch on the open market?

Ronnie, we're not for sale.

You know I hated that experience.

[clears throat]

Yeah, and... and we weren't exactly thrown out, Ronnie.

The major and I both agreed...

Whatever. You're both free to stay.

We can play Scrabble, Boggle, bridge.

We can make a sequel to Blunt Cock, huh?

Oh, yeah. That's how I like my cocks.

Blunt Cock 2, right?

Yeah.

You like sequels, don't you?

[both moaning]

Ah.

You got to stop b*ating yourself up, Walter.

If I was your sponsor, that's what I would tell you.

I should never have asked them to leave.

I-I was in the wrong, Herschel. All wrong.

Well, you can always tell them you're diabetic and ask for forgiveness.

That's what I'd do.

The damage is done.

But, you know, it's so embarrassing to admit that I had got used to having Harry all to myself.

I get it. He's one of those people that's like a salt lick.

You just want to put your mouth on him.

Yes.

And I want him to be happy.

I don't want to stand in-in-in his way.

That's right.

They say the greatest act of love is to let someone go.

They do?

Yes. And there's also good old 69.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

To 69.

♪

Jim, uh, did you read my story on the tainted baby food in Wisconsin?

Yeah, it looks great.
Just tighten it up.

You didn't read it, did you?

No.

I worked really hard on that.

What are you doing?

Just writing Celia's name over and over again.

Why?

'Cause I'm obsessing about her like a dog chewing on its own paws.

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Maybe we should get you one of those plastic cowls to help break the obsession.

That's not a bad idea. There is a pet store down the street.

Good, now can I tell you about my problems?

S-sure, buddy.

Well, I don't think it's going that good with Rosalie 2.

She says all these truthful, morbid things.

Like what?

That life is meaningless.

That we're all alone.

That we live in prisons of our own construction.

Jesus. God.

Yeah, you're right, those are truthful, morbid things.

Also she's tone-deaf and she doesn't like me to go down on her and I'm in the oral stage of development.

Wait, wait. D-do you... do you hear music?

[piano playing]

That's the other thing.

Martin. I-I keep hearing sad music.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I think I have lost it.

Going crazy.

I think you actually are hearing sad music.

♪
♪ After you've gone and left me crying ♪
♪ After you've gone there's no denying ♪
♪ You'll feel blue ♪

Both: ♪ You'll feel sad ♪
♪ You'll miss the bestest pal you ever had. ♪

What are you guys doing? Did you read my tainted baby food story?

Yes, and we needed a break.

Also we might play a set at Goldie's.

I'm Tits, she's Ass.

Yeah, I'm not sure my ass is quite big enough, Rosalie.

Hi, Celia.

Oh, uh, hi, Jim.

How are you able to play music during this time?

How are you filled with song?

[whimpers]

What the hell is going on now?

Jim, I'm not filled with song.

[sighs]

♪

[grunts, sighs]

[exhales]

Ooh, this is a beauty right here, isn't it?

Don't f*cking go there, Herschel.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Excellent driving, by the way.

Yeah.

And an excellent martini last night.

You have many hidden qualities.

Oh, thank you, General!

Uh, you're to call me Walter.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...
I know you miss Harry and I'm trying to make everything feel as familiar as possible.

You're very kind.

[grunts, exhales]

And, uh, Herschel, no saluting.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I got to go to the store and get some olives.

We...

Herschel.

Oh!

I'm coming.

Ooh, you're fast for a old guy.

This could be our Enron.
This could be our Madoff.

This could be our WikiLeaks.

What's happening with the drought in LA is a case study for the entire country.

So I want to get hold of the elusive CEO of this company, Daniel Rudolph.

He's an almond mogul turned water baron.

Why? Because water is the new gold.

Water is the new oil.

So let's get him on the show. Any questions?

Uh, Walter, um, where's Harry?

That's not the kind of question I'm looking for, Martin.

Oh, sorry, Walter, but Jim didn't tell me we were meeting.

Well, we're on a break that you wanted.

But you can still tell me about meetings.

I don't have to.

Celia, Jim, settle down.

I don't want to have to separate you two.

We're already separated.

Excuse me. Uh, Walter?

Yeah, the mean girl out front told me to tell you that the Blunt Cock lawyer is here.

Oh, sh*t. Let's go, Walter.

All of you, I want drought stories.

Jim, get the science angle.

Shelly, what's happening internationally.

Celia, get me Rudolph.

Martin.

Uh-huh.

You can proofread what everyone comes up with.

Herschel, stay here. I won't need you in this meeting.

Yes, Walter.

[sighs]

Attention, everyone.

If you need some tea, some coffee, some chili dogs, I am working for Walter now.

Well, what happened to Harry?

We think he skipped town.

My guess, him and Sylvia ran off to Vegas for a quickie wedding.

Is Walter okay with this?

Mm, he puts up a strong front, but he cries out in his sleep.

I'll have a chili dog.

♪

Ronnie, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm my own counsel.

Your counsel is late.

When I'm late, I charge myself.

You don't want a proper lawyer?

I am a proper lawyer. Erotica is the family business.

I used to be with the DA. I cut my teeth on the Phil Spector trial.

Where's our lawyer?

I don't know. He's new.

I'm very offended by what you did, Ronnie.

Very.

I welcomed you into my home.

One time. And there were 300 people there.

Why did you make a mockery of me?

I didn't. I meant it to be a tribute.

I'm an artist. I see something and I have to use it.

Harry?

Thanks, Red.

What's going on, Harry?
I don't understand.

I'm sorry, Major. I'm working for Ronnie now.

First you lampoon me, now you steal my man?

I haven't stolen anybody and I told you that Blunt Cock is an homage.

"Homage" is French for "tribute."

I know that, you smut peddler.

Don't let him rile you, Walter.

Brought some refreshments, Walter.

[gasps] Harry!

Herschel.

How could you, Major?

So sorry I'm late, everybody.

Um, oh, tea service.

You're the new lawyer? All right, let's get down to business.

Herschel, wait outside, please.

You're welcome to stay, Red.

I don't know who some of the people in here...

That's not important.

I want every DVD of Blunt Cock recalled.

Are you nuts? Do you know how much that would cost?

No, I'm not nuts. And I don't care how much it'd cost.

You are not an artist and that movie is merde, which is French for "sh*t."

Go ahead, keep insulting me.

You can't get me on libel or defamation of character.

You would have to prove in court that you are not well-endowed.

Are you ready to do that?! [pounds table]

Are you ready to go to w*r with me?!

Huh?!

Hey! Whoo!

Don't you talk to the general like that.

You about to get some dental work, bitch.

Herschel, put those away and wait outside.

Okay, Walter.

I still don't know who some of these people are, Mr. Blunt, but Mr. Birmingham, I'm afraid, does make a very strong argument.

That's right, Walter! You can't b*at me.

But... but I am sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Let's go, Rosalie.

Yes, Walter.

Uh...

Wow.

Jim?

Do you realize it takes thousands of years to create an aquifer and that more than half of the world's aquifers are in danger?

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

But what's on your head?
Is that for hearing loss?

No, my hearing's fine. It's a dog cowl.

I'm wearing it to help me focus and not obsess about you.

Oh, good, because during this break...

Oh, okay.

Jim, this is hard for me, too... [sighs] but it's important that we start acting more professionally.

f*ck, they're all meeting!

Huh?

Oh, sh*t.

Kazakhstan.

And this is a dried-up riverbed in, um... uh, s-somewhere.

Excellent, Shelly.
Let's use that tonight.

A drought primer for our audience.

Sorry we're late, Walter, but nobody came to get us.

Oh, that's fine, Celia.

And, Walter, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I just want to say I'm sorry about Harry and Blunt Cock.

Thank you, Martin.

Jim, what the hell are you wearing?

It's a... a dog cowl, Walter, to help me focus.

And you're right. Water is the biggest story of the century.

We're remaking the planet in our own image like a... a demented god.

Demented god, I like that.

Let's get it into the broadcast.

Yes, but, Celia, what about Rudolph?

Well, you're right, Walter, he's very elusive.

Hasn't granted an interview since 1983.

I did speak to the lawyer, and he said there is no way Rudolph would come on Blunt Talk.

Damn! I would like to question that man. Get him in front of me.

Well, maybe you could get to him through his sister Margaret.

She's not part of the family business, but she's a very public person.

Rosalie: What do you have in mind, Celia?

The old reach-around?

Yes, she's hosting a fundraiser tonight for the Democratic councilman, whose big issue, interestingly enough, is for LA to have a desalinization plant.

Ooh, I like the sound of this.

Maybe I could go undercover as Walter Blunt, civilian.

Can I be your wing-man, Walter?

I'm very engaged by this story and it... it'll help me forget my troubles.

Will you take off your cowl, Jim?

Sure.

Then you can come.

We'll go right after the broadcast.

Martin: He sh**t, he scores!

[all laughing]

Underground aquifers supply 35% of the water used around the globe.

These reserves take thousands of years to accumulate.

The county jail has cleared up the lice.

We can interview Adler tomorrow.

I want you two to stay late and prep.

Great. Uh, it will be Martinelli time, right?

So, like a demented god, we have altered the planet's thermostat and are refashioning the world in our own confused and self-destructive image.

Bah.

Sorry.

Are you excited for the fundraiser?

I'm going for work, Herschel, not pleasure.

Look, if you can't get it this time, I'll do it myself.

It's not a problem.

I want to do a good job.

I know I have big shoes to fill.

Herschel.

Hmm?

What is that I'm feeling?

My brass knuckle.

I'll tie my own tie.

All right.

[blows]

93...

94...

95...

Ronnie: Harry, where are ya?

Stanley and I need more tequila.

Or bourbon or rubbing alcohol.

Something right away.

sh*t, he's going to slow us down.

My family hates it when I'm late.

One moment, Ronnie.

96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

There, all done, Major.

Harry!

What?

You called me Major again.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

You're longing for him.

Ronnie: Red, I need tequila and baby oil and the remote.

I'm coming, Ronnie.

[brush clatters]

[whispers] I'm sorry.

♪

[chatter]

Ah, thank you.

Hey, Jim, slow down.

That's your fifth rum and Coke.

Is that a lot? I don't get out much.

Good evening, everyone.

[applause]

Welcome to a night of bidding, dancing, drinking, and bidding some more.

I'm Margaret Rudolph, your host and also your auctioneer.

Hey, there she is.

Now, unfortunately, Councilman Sandler can't make it tonight.

He has shingles.

Again.

[laughter]

But he appreciates your support very, very much.

Are... are we applauding shingles?

Shh. That's a very painful condition.

Now, our first bid item tonight is a very interesting piece from a local artist, Cindy Lockwood, who cites among her influences the great Allan Jones.

It's called Have a Seat, Please.

And we'll start the bidding at $5,000.

All right, who's gonna kick us off?

Kick things off, Walter.
That'll win her trust.

Anyone?

Yes, great thinking.

Yeah.

Oh, there we go. There we go.

We have our first bidder.

All right, do I hear 5,500?

5,500?

[crowd whispering]

Well, then 5,000 going once, going twice, sold to the gentleman in the front, who I believe is Mr. Walter Blunt, my favorite newscaster.

[applause]

Hey, hey. Check this out.

Oh, Walter's going to love this.

Duncan Adler has been writing letters to the LA Times for years about Rudolph Global's almond farms sucking all the water up out... what?

What were you doing?
Were you sniffing my hair?

Yes, I was. I'm sorry. Jeez.

Okay, why were you smelling my hair?

Does my scalp smell yeasty like old popcorn?

No. No, it's because...

[mumbles]

Martin?

Uh, because I have a crush on you, Shelly. Please don't hate me.

Oh, God.

I mean, I knew something was going on.

When did this start?

Um, when I touched your breasts during your cancer scare.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

'Cause it felt good?

It was, like, right away.

I was like, pfft!

Yeah, 'cause it's nice and...

Supple. got a lot of texture.

Well, drop it!

We're all going nuts here. Jim loves Celia.

I love Celia. Celia loves Walter.

Walter loves Harry. Rosalie loves you.

Wait, what? What... what do you mean?

Oh, you know she still pines for you, but she's... she's tough.

Anyway, drop it. You have a girlfriend.

I know. Ugh, I'm... ugh.

I won't fantasize about you sexually ever again, I promise.

Well, let's not make promises we can't keep.

I mean, I'm okay with being naked in your mind.

I am meant to be worshipped.

Get back to work.

Right.

♪

[chatter]

Do you see Ms. Rudolph anywhere?

No.

Excuse me, young man.

Hmm?

Would you like to dance?

Um... sure.

Uh, I'd... I'd love to.

Excuse me.

Ms. Rudolph, I-I was wondering if my new chair came with a dance?

Yes, and an apology.

I'm so sorry you ended up with that thing.

Oh, please.

You're light on your feet, handsome.

Thanks.

Are you a prost*tute?

What? N-no.

S-sorry. I was just asking.

The young men at these things are usually working boys.

Oh, well, not... not me.

I don't know what's happening.

Everyone at work is kind of losing their minds and breaking up.

Jim and Celia, Harry and Walter.

When we hate ourselves, it's hard to love others.

Oh, God, is there any hope?

Yes, we have to face our nightmares.

So I was thinking that if you want to go down on me, you can.

Really? Now?

Yes.

You won't be in your oral stage forever.

[exhales]

Ready?

Ready.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, Martin.

[chuckles]

Oh, Martin!

♪

You know, I am really interested in your candidate's position on desalinization.

Can we just dance for a little while, Mr. Blunt, and forget the world's troubles?

Yes, of course.

And by the way, you can call me Walter.

All right, Walter.

But I would like to get together sometime and we can talk drought all you want.

Or we could raid your wine cellar and actually have a good time.

That sounds very nice.

Mmm.

Harry, Sylvia, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Walter.

Councilman Sandler's my second cousin.

And Ronnie... well, Ronnie gave me the night off, sir, so Sylvia and I could go dancing.

Very nice, Harry.

Did you know he was going to be here?

No, your family invited us.

Who was that?

Oh, he's... a... a dear, dear friend.

They say that two stars on opposite ends of the universe can still be drawn to each other.

Maybe that's like me and the major.

Oh, you mean quantum entanglement.

♪

Celia?

Oh, Evelyn I didn't want to wake you, tiger.

Are you... are you leaving?

Yeah, I got to go.

I left you a gift on the desk. Knock yourself out.

I t... I told you, Evelyn, I'm not a prost*tute.

[laughs]

You are now.

[clicks tongue]

No, I'm not.

[sighs]

♪ Darling, I know you're thinking ♪
♪ Yes, no, have I been drinking? ♪
♪ I get off on your sweet kisses, darling ♪
♪ Darling, when you can't see me ♪
♪ I get seasick, oh, baby ♪
♪ Nothing cures me like you do ♪
♪ Oh, darling ♪
♪ Oh, what can I do ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in heaven every time with you ♪
♪ Which means that every other time I'm in hell ♪
♪ With other people just like Jean-Paul Sartre said ♪
♪ He said so ♪
♪ X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X ♪
♪ X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X ♪
♪ Darling, je sais que tu penses ♪
♪ Oui, non, est-ce que j'ai bu ♪
♪ Tu m'allumes avec tes baisers ♪
♪ Darling ♪
♪ Avec tes baisers ♪
♪ Tu m'allumes avec tes baisers ♪
♪ Darling. ♪