06x04 - And the Godmama Drama

[bunniefuu]

So it's a tequila sh*t on top of Devil's food cake.

We can call it Satan's nipple.

Okay, but I think the menu's already a little nipple heavy.

As am I.

Girls, two questions...

No.

And no.

I was coming to see how baby Barbara's baptism was coming.

Also, what drink goes best with a heavy muscle relaxer?

I'd try the nipple-tini or the piña co-nipple.

Oleg, are you okay?

I haven't seen you this wound up since California passed that law to make p*rn actors wear condoms.

It ruins the visuals.

You're the godparents, and my mama is coming all the way from the Ukraine for this baptism, so it's got to be balls to the walls perfect.

Not that balls on walls isn't a fun theme, but I'm thinking of going another way with the baptism party, what with there being a child involved.

Now, if you don't mind, we're not supposed to be at the diner for 10 minutes, so we'll see you there in like an hour.

What's this? Eh, doesn't matter.

(coughs)

Whatever it is, put that on the menu.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

Caroline, did you get my RSVP to the baptism?

Sure did, two seconds after I sent the e-vite.

Sorry about the lag time.

I thought I was being punked again.

But, I'm happy to help on an official level.

I've been involved in many baptisms at my church.

The Church of Latter Day Smurfs?

For your information, I've achieved a position of some stature.

Papa Smurf?

It's not a Smurf church!

I want to be the altar boy.

Okay, but no Communion wine for you.

You get slutty when you drink.

Oh, look, Oleg's mom's here.

More clean-shaven than I expected.

Really, girls? Mom jokes?

Oleg.

Mama!

My gorgeous, beautiful, sexy baby boy.

He didn't tell us she was blind.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Should we stop this before Oleg becomes his own step-father?

To think I made this.

You win some, you lose some.

I look fantastic, eh?

I've been doing Pilatskis.

Like Pilates, only instead of rubber bands you do it with big airplane tires.

Oh, mama, you're back to your sh*t-putting weight.

Ahh.

Feel my thigh, eh? Squeeze it.

Harder.

Harder!

All right, now punch it.

Like mother/son fight club.

Hi, I'm Caroline Channing.

They're making a movie about me, but I'm just a regular person.

That they're making a movie about.

I'm Max Black... I'm sure you've heard about me from Oleg or Channel 7 Scam Busters.

Oh, and this is Earl. He runs the register, and he's the reason we know our defibrillator works.

Yeah, thanks for bringing me back from heaven, girls.

If you need a place to crash, my roommate is out of town for the weekend.

Mm, well, I do like Black Russians, so we're halfway there.

Sorry, Earl, she's spoken for. She's dating my Uncle Oleg.

Well, if you two ever decide to tie the knot, I am a Universal Life Minister.

Did I mention my roommate's out of town for the weekend?

I'm only asking 'cause I forgot.

Mrs. Golishevsky, Han Lee, your son's boss.

He's a great...

A good...

We haven't had to... Welcome!

Max and I are the godparents, Mrs. Golishevsky.

I know what you're thinking: I look too young to have a godbaby.

Don't tell me what I'm thinking.

Two godmommies? Really?

All right, no, I get it. I'm very hip.

Who among us has not kissed a woman?

Han.

It was a pleasure to...

You seem...

I'm so happy we...

Catch you later.

Hey, everybody.

I would've gotten here sooner, but Teresa Giudice was on Hoda & Kathie Lee, and Barbara wanted to watch.

It's okay... she's strapped in.

This is my beautiful wife and my beautiful baby mama, mama.

It's a pleasure, I know.

How can you listen to that accent all day long?

Yikes.

Yikes?

It means... she yikes it.

Oh, there she is.

Little baby Bair-bra.

You know, I would have named her Bohuslava.

Isn't that a prettier name, Oleg?

(spits)

No, we like Barbara, don't we, Oleg?

Anybody gonna put in an order around here?

Wow, haven't been to a church in, uh...

Have I ever been to a church?

If I burst into flames, you can have all my possessions.

Great, I'm really looking forward to owning two bongs and a treasure map.

Oh, that's just a place mat from Bubba Gump's.

Learned that the hard way.

Hi, Mrs. Golishevsky.

You look so nice.

I don't look nice. I look fantastic.

This is Father Kozac.

He will be performing the baptism.

Yes, and I also perform in an R&B group.

You may have heard of us: Altar Boys to Men?

You two have to wear this on your heads, to show respect for God.

And also because most Ukrainian women are bald.

Hands up! Give me the baby!

All rightsky, should we get started?

Em, here you go, Max.

Oh, hmm.

What, like a hot-potato situation?

Before the baptism, the father will question you about guiding the spiritual life of the child.

You know, taking her to church, making sure she only wears pants to drive the tractor.

Yeah, then I will say a prayer, you hand me the baby...

(thud)

And I will baptize her like so.

Eh?

So basically we're just waterboarding a baby.

Excuse me, do you know what a baptism is?

No, she knows, she's just shy.

So, Max, do you pray?

Oh, she prays all the time, right, Max?

I'm always hearing her in her bedroom say, "Oh God, oh God, oh God!"

One of those times was because an owl got in there.

So do you have a good relationship with the Father?

Uh, well, he took off before I was born, so, all I know about him is he makes really great decisions.

No, no, now, that is not the father I mean.

I mean that one.

Oh, Santa Claus?

I want to, but every house in one night?

Come on.

She got hit in the head with a softball recently.

No, not Santa Claus!

What do you think, this is some kind of joke?

You are not fit to be my granddaughter's godmommies, I don't care how much I hate her name.

Kaputzki.

God, oh God, oh God.

What? Did an owl get in here?

God, oh God, oh God.

I can't believe we got fired as godmothers.

I've never been fired before.

And don't bring up that Habitat for Humanity thing.

We mutually parted ways.

Yeah, and then you guys never finished my house.

(knocking)

Hey, girls.

Hey, look at this new machine.

It's like a radio that monitors the baby.

Live from upstairs, it's W-B-A-B-Y!

It's a great thing if you're not home, or you just don't trust your baby.

I'm assuming you haven't talked to Mrs. Golishevsky since you're not scream-crying at us.

I am now!

What happened at the rehearsal?

Um, everything's fine, but Mrs. Golishevsky fired us as godparents.

She really did not like Caroline.

I am not the one she put a thousand year curse on.

I got it down to 500.

Oh, she can't just come up here and fire my godparents and drink my beer and talk over American Ninja Warrior.

Sophie, she's only here for another week, and then everything will go back to normal.

We'll have the bed to ourselves again.

Oleg, if she thinks she can fire my godparents and use my kettle bells, then I'm calling off the baptism.

We need to go upstairs and set your mother straight.

And if you think that you are gonna have sex in the next three hours, oh, well, you've got another thing coming!

Three hours? What about hand stuff?

Oh, we'll see.

I didn't want to bring this up when she was upset, but those are my kettle bells.

(knocking)

I'm upset too.

That was the only party I was invited to this year.

Girls, I wanted to show you the two robes I'm considering for the baptism.

And, FYI, your doorbell is electrocuting people.

Definitely the white. The baptism's off.

Bye.

Max, Han just made me realize something, and not just that he would look really cute in a dress.

Between him, the baby, and Earl being a minister, we have almost everything we need for a baptism.

We did do that exorcism here, which clearly didn't work because that 1800s lady was watching me sleep again last night.

Anyway, where is it written that a baptism has to be in a church, other than the Bible?

I mean, all we need is holy water.

Ask the 1800s lady. She's always carrying a bucket.

♪

Why not steal holy water from a church?

God's already mad at me.

I woke up with a zit behind my ear.

Wow, that's all I can look at now.

Leave it! That's my Saturday night.

Okay, I'm more nimble, so you distract Father Kozac while I grab the holy water.

Nice jug.

Max, I've been waiting six years for you to say that.

Now go tell Father Kozac you need to confess.

(groans) Okay, but then I'll get kicked out of the crypts.

Max and Caroline, Sophie said the baptism's canceled, as is Altar Boys to Men's next gig.

It's been a tough day.

Actually, Max is here to confess.

I'm traditionally more of a victim.

All right, let's do this.

Where's your little shame box thing?

Our confessional is under construction, although it's taking Sergei forever.

We can do it right here.

Oh. (laughs)

Oh, hmm, suddenly I can't think of much to confess.

Pretty sure someone Men in Black'd me in 2008.

A-ha, well, start by kneeling.

Okay.

Oh, some stuff's starting to come back to me.

Just to summarize, uh, fires, fires, Kn*fe fights, robberies, robberies, Kn*fe robberies, but third grade is where the real sinning began.

Oh, just give me a second. I'm on a real roll here.

♪ Ahh ♪

For an illegitimate, blasphemous, back-alley baptism, I think it looks pretty.

Hey, when are we gonna get started, girls?

I'm performing a conscious uncoupling at 2:00.

Ooh, this is cute.

Much nicer than the church/slaughterhouse I was baptized in.

Sophie, you look beautiful.

Oleg, I'm glad you didn't wear your vag*na tie.

It's dirty.

Hey, thanks for stealing the holy water and going to hell for baby Barbara, girls.

I'm just glad I look good in red.

Max, you're gonna have so many friends there, and I'm not gonna know anyone.

Let's get ready to baptize.

I sent my mother to Curves.

It's a bi's and tri's day for her.

Speaking of bi's who try.

I told you, I thought Grindr was a kitchenware app.

Found out the hard way that "melon baller" has two meanings.

Hey, before we start, can I get a hit off of this thing?

It's an incense boat, Earl, not wacky-tobacky.

We ain't picky.

Puff, puff, pass, sister act.

I'd be insulted if that wasn't my third favorite movie.

Sophie, oh, Barbara's dress is beautiful.

Hi. Oh, I love her makeup.

Who did the smokey eye?

All right, let's huddle up.

Ugh, this reminds me of my time singing Doo-wop over a trash fire.

Okay, let's begin.

Ashes to ashes, dust to... oops, wrong page.

Max and Caroline, yeah, as Barbara's godparents, do you agree to look out for her welfare and to be honest if she puts on a few pounds?

I mean, you know, not now, but in a couple of months?

Hey, I like baby who can fill out a diaper.

I think she just filled one out.

Hi, Barbara.

It's my fault you're having your baptism in a bar instead of a church, but that's just how we roll.

You're family now, and I promise, no matter what happens, we will always have your back.

Yeah, you can talk to me about boys, or girls, or whatever they have by the time you're a teenager.

You can call me Uncle Han, the Han-ster.

You know what? Han's fine.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, I baptize this child Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky.

Yay!

We did it, Sophie.

We baptized little Bohus... Barbara.

Aww, she's smiling.

Hey, oh, yeah, you know what?

She can tell that she avoided an eternal hell fire.

What is going on here?

Mama, you're back so soon.

Damn you, Curves.

I forgot it's an hour workout packed into 30 minutes.

The gym is garbage.

They don't even have nunchucks.

What, you're not having this baptism without me, are you?

Go ahead, Oleg.

Tell her the truth, or you're sleeping in the middle tonight.

Mama, here's the truth, whether you like it or not: My friends and I like to dress up and put on pretend baptisms.

Come on, I know you have balls.

They were hanging out of my nightgown this morning.

Mama, we just baptized Barbara without you.

Sophie wants Max and Caroline as the godparents, and so do I.

So you're siding with these people against your mama?

Yes, mama.

Oh, there's those big, beautiful balls.

Are they out?

I don't know, but I can't see them again today.

Oleg, you sound just like your sister, Oleg.

Are you gonna spank me in here, or can we go in another room?

Because I don't love, love, love the underwear I'm wearing.

To stand up to me, you must really love these people.

No, Oleg, I am not going to spank you.

That is your wife's job now.

I will send you my paddle.

Aw, yeah, that would be great, Mrs. Golishevsky, 'cause I shattered the last one.

Call me mama.

Aww, okay, mama.

No, that doesn't work.

So I'm just gonna put the holy water back where I got it, and it'll be like I never stole it at all.

I can't risk the wrath of God.

Or have I already suffered it?

It's so hard to tell.

Would you stop overreacting? Our walls bled once.

Here comes the priest.

Max, did you come back to finish confession?

I want to hear what happened when you were living with Jack Nicholson.

Did I get all the way up to fifth grade?

So you're just here to bring back the holy water?

You knew about that?

God sees everything.

Really?

Yes, but so do our security cameras.

And I thought you weren't really a believer.

Uh, I don't know, I mean, I never met my dad, but sometimes I think maybe he's out there hoping I'm gonna be okay.

Plus, if there's no God, how do you explain America's Funniest Home Videos?

Right? Why would you have a pie cooling next to a trampoline? (laughs)

Hi, father.

We were just in the neighborhood doing good deeds for old people.

He knows.

What do the kids say?

Busted?

So lying to a priest?

What's that gonna get me, five more years in our apartment?

Come on, it's not that bad.

You, me, and the wet 1800s lady make a great team.

She said it herself through the hole in her throat.

Weird, 'cause she told me that your snoring drives her crazy.

(cash register bell dings)