03x03 - Louisween

[bunniefuu]

[Wolf howling]

[Click]

[Softly] It's here.

[Eerie music plays]

Aaah!

[Laughs] Happy Halloween!

[Laughter]

[Groaning]

Brains!

[Chuckles]

[Echoing] Chi-chi-chi-chi... ah-ah-ah-ah... k*ll-k*ll-k*ll-k*ll.

Jessica.

[Grunts]

Louis! [Groaning]

You're lucky I wasn't clutching my sleep Kn*fe.

[Groaning, sobbing]

S03E03 Louisween

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Transylvanian accent] Ah, good morning.

What is this?

[Normal voice] I am Pete Vampras.

Pete Sampras' undead doubles partner from Transylvania.

[Chuckles]

Ah, don't tell me.

Uh, square-dancer with a light sensitivity.

I'm Dr. Alan Grant...

Paleontologist/unlikely father figure from "Jurassic Park."

Is that my gardening hat?

[Chuckling] Well, I love it.

Are you and Evan doing another paired costume?

Yep, we sure are.

[Humming]

Where's your Barney the Dinosaur costume?

We need to make sure you fit in the crate.

Oh, I didn't think we settled on anything yet.

We're trying to top last year's costume.

I fear we may have peaked too soon.

Well, whatever you decide will be great.

Just lock it down before 5:00.

I want to be out trick-or-treating before my curls lose their bounce.

Speaking of which, there is an extra seat in the candy van again.

I could really use a co-pilot to help me work the maps and criticize lazy costumes.

[Sighs] Here we go again.

Look, I even got you a simple, no-fuss costume.

Jessicat.

Halloween's not for me.

It's not special like Christmas or when a new Denzel movie comes out.

I don't get why people waste money dressing up as somebody else just to get lollipops.

I like who I am.

I like how I look.

But you all enjoy. Have fun.

Oh, California Raisin... nice. How'd I know?

I heard it through the grapevine.

So, the rally point is Brian's house.

If anybody gets separated or ODs on peppermint patties...

Once, that happened once!

Trent, what street is this year's gold mine?

Trent: Gibson Drive.

My sources say the Rickenbackers are giving out peanut-butter cups.

So? Lots of houses give out...

King size.

Proceed.

I say we hit the sorority houses at East Orlando State.

We ask for candy, then... you know.

What happens then?

I don't know. Something good.

I saw half of "Porky's" last night when Cinemax accidently de-scrambled.

Wow, appreciate the phone call.

Guys, focus! It's Halloween.

I'm gonna get girls for the rest of my life.

I'm only gonna get free candy for another couple years.

Hey, what's up? How you guys doing?

How's 8th grade?

Chill, chill. How's high school?

Pretty much the b*mb.

There's a vending machine on campus that has Arizona Iced Tea.

Hmm. Hmm.

I'm glad I ran into you.

My mom's out of town, and I'm throwing a party tonight.

You should come by.

Nicole, come on!

You're dad's napping, so I'm taking the Jag.

[Radio turns on] Ah! It's Jewel!

[Chuckling] We'll listen to Jewel in the Jag!

She doesn't look out of town.

My real mom. Not my friend-mom.

Hope I see you guys tonight.

Yo, we just got invited to our first high-school party... as middle schoolers.

This is how "Porky's" started.

I say we stick to our candy plan.

The Rickenbackers!

That's two for candy, two for party.

Whatever we do, we do as a crew.

Dave, you make the call.

I think we should...

Dave's right.

We're gonna get candy for the rest of our lives.

We only get to go to a high-school party as middle schoolers tonight.

Buckle up, gentlemen.

From now on, it's nothing but brassieres.

[Keys clacking]

Have you seen a big bowl of plastic spiders?

I want to place it next to the candy and play a little switcheroo with the trick-or-treaters.

I put it on the counter. It was crowding my work space.

Are you writing our Christmas newsletter already?

You have to at least mention Eddie this year.

While you guys Halloween, I will have some free-time to work on my novel...

"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain."

I heard that Stephen King writes 10 pages a day, so I will write 20.

Trick-or-treat. [Chuckles]

Joan Jett... I love it.

Uh... How'd you get that height?

I've got a salad spinner up there.

Oh.

Jessica, you should stop by later.

I just whipped up a pitcher of my famous piña ghouladas.

Ooh.

No, thanks.

Booze is what slowed down Stephen King.

Okay.

Well, Louis, I'd invite you over for ghouladas, but I know they're not a very manly drink.

Ah, no.

I guess not.

[Dramatic music plays]

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Indiana Jones... Professor of archeology, expert on the occult, and obtainer of rare antiquities.

We can't both be Indiana Jones.

You're supposed to be Short Round.

I'm tired of always being the sidekick.

Last year, you pushed me around on a dolly all night.

I just want one Halloween where I can feel the earth beneath my feet.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Tell you want, kid.

You pick our costumes.

I won't let us down.

I'll return Mom's going-out purse.

[Keys clacking]

Where should I put this cobweb?

Back up the fake spider it came from.

[Door opens, closes]

Nicole invited me to a party tonight, and here are 17 reasons why you should let me go.

One... I really stepped up my tooth brushing game.

You got invited to a weener!

What?!

A ween-jam.

A Halloween party.

You're not going.

Two... I haven't' sat on Evan in over...

Jessica, if you're not celebrating Halloween, then you shouldn't have a vote on how the rest of us do.

Of course you can go.

A party's a great way to celebrate Halloween.

Yes! [Sighs]

You know, I get that you don't care for all the costumes and candy, but how can you not like the scary stuff?

You love Stephen King, and he's all about horror.

Stephen invokes real fear. He unlocks the monster within.

This isn't scary. This is amateur hour.

[Door opens, closes]

I don't know, Ma.

That sounded like a challenge to me.

Did that sound like a challenge to you?

[Sighs] Act Two.

This is where we get into the fun and games.

[Knuckles cr*ck]

[Sniffing] Do you smell gas?

Only the gas of productivity.

I'll check the hot-water heater.

Do you mind checking the kitchen?

[Sniffs]

Did it scare you?

Are you in shock from what you just saw?

No.

Oh, come on.

You don't think that's scary... Head in the oven?

No, a real head wouldn't sever that cleanly.

[Sighs]

[Music blares]

I bet this party is gonna be just like the "Gin and Juice" video.

But, you know, not as diverse.

Who are you supposed to be again?

Sidney Deane!

Wesley Snipes from "White Men Can't Jump."

At least you're not dressed like a lady.

I'm not dressed like a lady. I'm dressed like Grandmama.

Larry Johnson's character from the sneaker ads.

Why do you have a chair?

I'm Bobby Knight.

The short-tempered basketball coach.

Come on!

Guys, we're about to enter our first high-school party.

Let's do this.

[Blaring continues]

[Softly] Hey.

Shelly: What are you doing here?

Aren't you tampons still in 8th grade?

Maybe. That turn you on?

Ew, the little one spoke.

Officially the worst party ever.

[Sighs]

No...

Jessica, you won't believe this.

I need the name for a sexually promiscuous fingerprint analyst.

Amber.

So, I was reading the article, and it says that a girl slaughtered her family with a shovel exactly 100 years ago tonight... in this very house.

House was built in '74.

Right, on the very property where the shovel m*ssacre happened.

They filled in a swamp to build this development.

That's why it smells like eggs when the wind blows south.

[Gasp] Probably the old swamp house then.

That is not how you spell "trachea."

[Sighs]

Where's my White Out?

I think there's some in the hall closet.

[Sighs]

[Eerie music plays]

[Polish accent] I lost my ball.

Yes, you were scared.

No, I'm confused.

Why is Reba standing in our hallway?

I brought her over after school.

I am not Reba. I am Anastasia Zinx from Poland!

Did you get her parents' permission?

If not, that's a felony... Child abduction.

Okay, Reba, let's go.

Who is this Reba everyone keeps...

Let's go!

Evan, choose the costumes already.

We're losing trick-or-treat time.

Who are you?

I'm Los Angeles County Superior Court Justice Lance Ito.

Who am I gonna be?

Here, put these on.

Famous house guest Kato Kaelin.

Nobody knows who Kato Kaelin is.

Exactly. That's what drives him.

Use that.

I knew I shouldn't have let you pick.

It's late. Let's just do "Jurassic Park."

Overruled! I'm going as Judge Lance Ito.

Fine! I'm going as Indiana Jones.

Then give me back Deidre's wig.

Gladly.

[Door shuts]

So, where is everybody?

Are we early?

Everyone's at this 10th grader's party.

She's older and has a pool.

Easy Erica's got a pool?

Does she mind if I... dip skinny?

[Scoffs]

"Sailor Boy." Is that beer.

Yeah. I ganked it from my dad's fridge in the garage.

I also found this bag of pipe tobacco.

I don't know how to use it, but it's there.

Come on, Nicole. Let's go to Erica's. I can't.

If I show up there, everyone will know my party sucked.

Yeah. All right, b*tches.

Zig-a-zig out.

♪

If we leave now, can we still make the Rickenbackers?

We'd have to lightly jog.

You guys can't leave.

Come on! Nicole always had our back when she was in middle school.

We can't just abandon her now.

Besides, we're a crew.

We stick together.

We do, but, dude, it's Halloween.

For real? You're just gonna bail?

I've been in high school for a month.

Why did I think anyone would come to some dumb freshman party?

Hey, it only takes two to start a party.

Lucky for us, I've seen a ton of music videos.

[Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" plays]

♪ With so much drama in the L-B-C ♪
♪ It's kinda hard being Snoop D-O-double-G ♪
♪ Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo ♪
♪ Sippin' on gin and juice ♪
♪ Laid back ♪
♪ With my mind on my money... ♪

[Knocking] We did it!

♪ Rollin' down the street smokin' indo ♪

[Children laughing]

"'Sure, a collapsed trachea is suspicious, she says, zipping up the body bag, but so is a Kn*fe to the brain.'"

Gold. [Door opens]

[Panting] I hit someone with my car!

I think it might have been a kid. I don't know.

They weren't wearing reflective clothing.

I-I-I panicked, and I drove right back home.

Are there any pieces stuck in the grill?

What?

Hair, clothes, skin?

Shoes stuck in the wheel well.

We got to make sure the car is clean.

Strip down, I will burn your clothes in the car port while you shower.

Impact blood travels, so you got to scrub your bellybutton, armpits, legpits, inside your eyelids... Everywhere.

Okay, I get it...

Keys!

I need your keys.

I'll run the car into a tree to cover up any dents this kid may have caused.

Better, I'll slam the brakes and let the car behind bump me into it so we don't have a knock on our insurance.

Next hurricane, I'll chop down the tree in case any flesh transferred to the bark.

We never speak of this again.

I love you.

I give up! You're un-scarable!

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Eddie: Mom, don't get mad, but I'm at the police station.

You got to come get me.

Eddie, what did you... Oh-kay.

Nice one, Louis. Okay. You almost had me there.

Good Eddie impression. Bye.

No, don't han...

Who was that?

Eddie's in jail.

Is that my going-out purse?

[Mera shutter clicks]

Okay, now let me do a goofy one!

Sorry. Last one, dude.

I'm not supposed to take these unless I'm actually booking someone.

I'm so screwed.

It's okay.

Officer Bryson said I'm not in trouble, right?

Right, it was just a noise complaint.

I had to bring you in because there wasn't any adult supervision.

What about the beer?

Sailor Boy? That's that Tom Collins mix.

Zesty, but non-alcoholic.

Great. [Sighs]

So I was offering a zesty juice mix to 8th graders.

My party was a disaster.

Everyone's gonna make fun of me.

[Sighs]

Hey, Jessica, Louis.

Eddie's free to go, no need to be mad at him.

He's not in any trouble.

I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at this holiday.

Had to come down here, waste my time.

I'm in the middle of a best seller.

Oh, what are you reading?

[Chuckles] "Reading."

No, I don't consume, I create.

Well, I just need you to sign him out.

[Whooshing]

Or would you prefer blue ink?

[Whooshing]

Can't believe we missed trick-or-treating.

And there's no candy left here.

[Grandma Huang snoring]

[Sighs]

This is the worst Halloween ever.

You didn't check to make sure the party was supervised.

He could have come home addicted to dr*gs or pregnant.

I just wanted him to have some fun on the best night of the year.

This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so busy trying to scare me.

[Sighs]

You know how you love Christmas?

Yes, it is a superior holiday.

Well, remember that one Christmas when I was working, and I told you to go get the tree without me, then I came home, and there was no tree.

I didn't want to put it on top of the car myself.

You also wanted me there.

I don't want to pay the guy $5 to tie it down with twine.

Another reason you wanted me there.

I didn't want to carry it in myself and get needles all over the floor.

All reasons you wanted me there.

Okay, fine!

I wanted you there, but Christmas is different.

Why?

Christmas is something you share with your family.

Well, that's how I feel about Halloween.

[Alarm clock beeping]

Mm.

[Beeping stops]

[Yawns]

[Sniffing]

[Sniffing]

Get dressed, we're going trick-or-treating.

But it's November 1st. I call Evan's candy!

I'm on board! I'm on board!

What's this all about?

I will never like Halloween.

But I unrstand wanting everyone in the family to join in.

[Sighs]

I am a cat now.

[Chuckles] That's the Halloween spirit.

Short Round?

Barney?

I just like trick-or-treating with you.

I don't care if I'm the sidekick.

Me neither. I just want to be a team again.

God, I love Halloween.

Hey, put those back. We're not done yet.

All but Jessica: Trick-or-treat!

Trick-or-treat!

You're supposed to give us something.

Oh.

Thank you.

Sorry, but Halloween was last month.

What is this game you all play?

You leave up your Christmas lights till forever, but we come one measly day after Halloween, and it's like the whole thing never happened.

You know what?

Let's see if I can whip up a fresh batch of my ghouladas.

Oh, I'd take a gander at some of those.

[Chuckles]

Eddie! You saved my party! I did?

Everyone's talking about how the cops busted it up.

Rumors are flying.

People are saying there were like 100 kids there...

Kegs, Goldschlager.

Supposedly the gold flakes cut your throat so the alcohol can get to your bloodstream quicker.

Tight.

Thanks for not bailing on me. You're a good friend.

You are, too, unlike some people I know.

I messed up, man! We shouldn't have bailed on you!

We were seduced by the holiday!

If it makes you feel better, we missed out on the good candy, and that party sucked.

Brian cried, Trent lost his chair, Walt just spilled something on his mom's dress...

He's grounded.

Some bullies thought I was dressed like Basketball Simba.

They lifted me up by my waist and carried me around like this...

Do you know how demeaning that is?!

Is Dave gonna be okay?

He's fine.

I'm just gonna let him sweat for a little bit.

Seriously, are we cool, man?!

Can we just agree, overall, that I've been a good friend to you?

What if you don't like it?

Oh, come on. We want to hear it.

Yeah. Yeah, it'll be good.

Let's go! Whoo!

Okay, I'll read the first chapter.

It's 60 pages long, but I don't see any cuts.

[Sighs]

"'A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain' by A.L. Tyson."

That's my pen name so we don't get crazies at the door.

Smart.

"It was just another body on just another Tuesday.

The sun cast an auburn glow on the dewy grass beneath the marbled-purple corpse.

Three feet away, a sensibly priced, blood-red pump extinguishes a Virginia Slim with a vigorous twist.

'[Sighs] God, I hate Detroit.'

This is Jennifer Hong, smart as she is beautiful.

She pushes through the plastic police line, never one for red tape, which, in this instance, is yellow.

'Hey, Freckles, she barks a lazy b*at cop. I'm gonna need a step stool.'

'Why?' asks Chief Stephens, his incuriosity born from a looming pension, soft upbringing, and overall whiteness.

'To get the m*rder w*apon, dummy,' she yawns, pointing to a 9-inch Bowie Kn*fe stuck in a knobby oak tree.

'I'll be damned,' Stephens chortles.

She pops an orange Tic Tac in her mouth and brushes past Amber, a brunette with electric green eyes dusting the rotting cadaver for prints.

Remember her.

'Hey, Hong,' yells Stephens. 'We got reports to fill out.'

Jennifer spins back, 'I got three kids, a judgmental mother-in-law, and an emotional husband who likes to play games with the oven! I don't have time for reports.'