01x06 - Moscow

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(SUSPENSFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hooten: Going somewhere?

Hooten: Hercules.

Hercules: Ulysses, oh you terrible man.

Hooten: Why have they got me tailing you all over Moscow?

I found it.

No you didn't.

My life's work.

I told you I'd find it, and I have.

Hooten: But no one believes it exists.

Hercules: It's not a myth, Ulysses.

Hercules: It just goes to show you, you should never, ever, give up.

Hooten: You've seen it?

Hercules: Fifty-first Imperial Easter Egg, Broken Heart.

It's the real thing, intact, perfect.

As if it comes straight from Carl Fabergé hands into mine.

Where is it?

I have a contact.

Hooten: Of course you do.

Hooten: Who is he?

Hercules: You only find out the name, when you give me a buyer.

And if you can't find a buyer for Broken Heart, you're not the man I think you are.

All right.

I can find a buyer.

You trust them, they're safe?

Yeah, I do trust them.

They're safe.

It's going to take me a few days.

Hercules: I can wait, since it's you.

Hercules: This is where I'm staying.

And I've book you a room at the Nijinsky Hotel *** just outside Moscow.

Once you have the buyer in place, you... and only you, come and get me.

Hercules: I was very sorry when I heard.

I liked her, beautiful woman, gentle, kind soul.

And your little boy too.

My God.

It was him, wasn't it?

He k*lled them both.

He found us.

I wasn't careful enough.

He's dead now, my friend.

Time to stop torturing yourself.

Excuse me, sir.

This just came through.

I think you'll be pleased.

Man: Leave.

Hercules: The fifty-first Imperial Easter Egg, The Broken Heart.

Hercules: It was him, wasn't it, he k*lled them both.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

Hercules: He k*lled them both.

Hercules: He k*lled them both.

He's dead now, my friend.

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]

(Doo-Wop Refrain)

♪ I set up camp in the center of town ♪
♪ Ready for freedom when it all comes down ♪
♪ Snapping my fingers, walking around ♪
♪ I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown ♪
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪
♪ From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day ♪
♪ I got a talisman tote with the whole array ♪
♪ And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪

Okay, so just get in and out, as quickly as possible. Okay?

Absolutely.

Alex: ***

Darling.

Oh.

Hi-a.

Who's this?

♪Amint, my assistant.

Hi-a.

Heard so much about you.

Curious.

I've heard nothing about you.

Oh, she makes notes for all my ideas and everything I say.

So that nothing important gets forgotten.

It's quite marvelous actually. I can't think why I didn't get one before.

Roses, roses, everywhere.

Of the palest pink to match the bridesmaids dresses.

I'm not really that keen on pink, for roses or for bridemaids.

I mean, that's not what we wan...

Lady Lindo-Parker: And a chamber orchestra playing Mozart and Bach.

No, we'd like a DJ.

Alex, I have a complete vision of what this day is going to be, please don't interrupt.

It's our wedding.

Oh, then let's discuss it.

I think it all sounds brilliant. I love it. It's great.

You see? Overruled.

I'm just agreeing so that we can get out of here.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hooten: Alex, it's me. You need to get to Moscow. Now!

I'm...

Hooten: No buts, Hotel Nijinsky, just outside the city.

In *Fino Raddibo.

What's going on?

I'm not going to say on the phone but Alex, it's major.

So don't d*ck around. Get here.

(HOOTEN SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Um... I'm so, so sorry. It's um... high priority, extremely urgent. I've got to go, for museum... stuff.

I'm so sorry.

Run, fly, save yourself.

Alexandra!

♪ ♪

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Alex: Hooten knows what he's doing, so he's always telling me.

Whatever's in Moscow is really important.

Ella: All right, I'll let Clive know. Oh, and bring me back a Russian doll?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(RADIO CHANGES CHANNEL)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, IN HEAVILY ACCENTED ENGLISH)

Shut up!

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INDISTINCT CROWD NOISE)

Alex: Sorry, excuse me.

Sorry.

I don't need to check in. I just need the room of one of your guests, an American.

(ALEX SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Here, let me.

Spasiba.

You were in the bar.

If you wanted to make friends, all you had to do is ask.

You will be making friends, American, friends with pain.

Did that sound better in your head?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Valeria: Has Mr. Hooten told you what we need to know?

I don't care.

I don't want to know.

(HORRIBLE ROCK MUSIC)

♪ ♪

(GRUNTS AND SOUNDS OF BLOWS LANDING)

VALERIA BARKS IN RUSSIAN)

Mother Russia.

Hooten: Whoa! Hello.

Where is Hercules, Hooten?

We know he has the Fabergé Egg.

Tell us where he is.

Make it... easy on yourself.

Okay, okay, okay, fine.

You think I was getting that ice for myself?

Do I look like the kind of guy who puts ice in his drink?

It was for him. He's in my room.

Eating my pretzels, raiding my mini bar.

How's that for easy on myself?

You want to untie me?

♪ ♪

(SUSPENSFUL MUSIC)

Alex: Oh, my...

You took your time.

Admit it you're rather impressed I tracked you down.

I mean. I came back to save you because they were definitely going to come back and do horrible things to you.

Or at least Valaria was.

Who.

Valaria. The one with the hair.

Hooten: Ah. A friend of yours.

No. She's not a friend.

We studied Ancient History at Uni together.

She calls herself an archeologist, but she deals in stolen artifacts.

Is this really all you've got?

Yeah.

It was a short trip. I just brought spare knickers and socks, toothbrush, pajamas.

It was a present from Ed, it's really warm.

Look, can I turn around now. Don't even know why I'm not looking, I've already seen... all of it.

Hooten: Pretty intimidating I know.

All right, let's go.

Wow.

They are... snug, aren't they.

Prancer and Dixon are being squished, yeah.

We'll not speak of this ever again.

Absolutely, of course, just... maybe sometimes.

Probably quite often.

Quite. Where we going?

Moscow.

All right.

♪ ♪

It's stuck.

(MUSIC DIES)

Unstuck.

Alex: What is it then? Is this something major?

It's the Broken Heart.

Hooten: The fifty-first Fabergé egg.

Hooten: Pretty cool, huh?

Oh my God, its...

It exists.

Well no wonder Valeria's after it but I thought you were smart.

I am.

Hooten it's fake.

Look if Hercules says it's the real thing, it's the real thing.

Who's Hercules?

Hooten: Hercules Ruden.

Russian friend and an old thief.

The finest of thieves.

Hooten: Taught me everything.

Well he's not taught you not to get scammed.

It's no scam.

Okay.

Your friend, Hercules, the thief, tells you about the Broken Heart but you end up kidnapped and he doesn't.

There's no way those meatheads would ever find Hercules.

This is a setup, it's a hoax.

He didn't set me up cause he's a friend.

I had no idea you were such a romatic, Hooten.

You purport to be such a cynic and here you are believing in the most ridiculous myth.

It's not a myth.

Okay, all right, let's use some evidence and analysis shall we?

It's the Russian Revolution.

The Romanov’s are taken hostage. They are assassinated.

Carl Fabergé, tainted by his association, as family jeweler, flees, and he goes into exile. His whole workshop and everything in it is smashed into smithereens.

Everything but the Broken Heart.

Oh...

Valeria: Room service Mr. Hooten.

Ah, the lying bastard.

Valeria: We go back to the American.

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Alex: Everybody searched for it, Hooten, and no one found it.

Alex: That's why there are only fifty Imperial Easter Eggs, there is no fifty-first.

It's intact and it has the surprise in it.

Is it chocolate button.

It's the sanguinary.

What. Filled with Romanov blood? Come on, Hooten.

Have you even thought about how much this could be worth?

Yes, zero, diddly-squat, Hooten.

Go.. I've got so much on my plate at the moment with this wedding and I drop everything for some...

"Made in Taiwan" knockoff.

Sounds like a perfect excuse to me.

What does that mean?

It means, sweetheart, that even though you keep going on and on about this wedding that you are having 30 damn bridesmaids at because you don't want to hurt anybodys feelings.

And then you're so excited about preparing the menu for guests who are gluten intolerant or lactose intolerant or probably just really intolerant. You find any excuse to run away.

No I don't.

You'd have dropped everything for a $10.00 snow globe because the because the truth is... you don't really want to get married.

But yo... you're so far into it you little people pleaser that you haven't got the guts to say, "Stop!"

So you run.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Lady Lindo-Parker: Hello Ella.

Where's my daughter?

Don't bother dear. Is she with that man?

What man?

That man!

Ah... no.

Your not very good at this, are you dear?

Look, they just work together.

Well we'll see about that.

Got a little froth on the mouth.

Right.

Well I think that the best thing to do now is for us to just... Go our separate ways, I understand.

Alex: *Whether it worked out well.

I will drop you at the closest train station to Vladivostok.

Listen. I appreciate your English good manners but right now put your foot down.

(INTENSE SUSPENSFUL MUSIC)

Go faster!

This is as fast as it goes.

They are going to run us off the road.

She wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare, Valeria!

Lady Alexandra.

She did!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What are you doing?

(SIGHS)

(ALEX SQUEALING REPEATEDLY)

You were saying?

(STARTER MOTOR GRINDING)

Alex!

♪ ♪

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)

Oh Alex?

Lady Alexandra Lindo-Parker.

Come out.

(WHISPERS) Come out, wherever you are.

(YELLS) You can't get away.

So why don't you save us all the energy?

Come out.

Maybe I'll be kind.

Maybe not.

(INAUDIBLE DIALOG)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

What.

Sir.

But we're... we're just...

I under...

I understand, sir.

Sir no longer requires the address.

I'm going back to the hotel. See if we missed anything. You... stay here. Find them.

(SHARP INHALATION) You can k*ll her.

But the American is wanted alive.

You! Come here, now!

♪ ♪

(FEMALE RUSSIAN SPEAKER ON RADIO)

(WHISPERS) Pull this branch, then let it go.

When he comes pull this branch back, and then let it go!

I'll go around that way.

What the... what are you doing?

Camouflage.

(MAN WHISTLES TUNELESSLY)

Alex: Oh!

♪ ♪

(HOOTEN GROANS AND PANTS)

Reckon the antlers.

(MAN LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY) Tell you what. This is just... this is just horrible.

Where's your dignity?

Tell me, how can you have pride in yourself as a man?

You took my clothes, assh*le.

What do you want me to do?

You know what?

I'm going to crisp you up like Bambi bacon.

Where is the Egg?

Bambi?

I'm Rudolph.

I have the red nose. I'm Rudolph, you moron.

(TWIG SNAPS)

You!

(UGH)

(AH. OH...)

That was actually quite impressive.

Well actually I just imagined it was you.

Hooten: Uh.

(ALEX GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

(STARTER MOTOR GRINDS)

Look, you can drop me wherever you want, it's fine.

Alex: Not a chance!

I'm coming with you.

I'm going to meet Hercules Ruden, and I'm going to look at this Broken Heart.

Just to prove that I am right, and you are wrong.

About what?

Everything, Hooten.

I'm very much looking forward to my wedding. I couldn't be happier.

The Broken Heart is a fake. And you are wrong.

About absolutely everything.

(ENGINE FIRES UP AND RUNS SMOOTHLY)

Alex: So has your friend actually seen this so called Fabergé egg?

Hooten: He has a contact.

Alex: Of course he does.

Just give me five minutes. I need to talk to him first.

If I don't come back, go to 236 Nicholas *Kaya.

You mean *Noak. Why don't I help you.

Five minutes.

You're just going to leave me here?

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

Why protest?

(SUSPENSFUL MUSIC)

Hercules: (MUFFLED) Hooten Get ♪ Jason ♪ Nashinski.

Hercules: You must protect (UNINTELLIGBLE)

What?

(HERCULES GASPS AND GROANS)

(POIGNANT MUSIC)

It was him.

Hercules: He k*lled them both.

He found us.

I wasn't careful enough.

(INDISTINCT VOICE ECHOING)

Hercules: He's dead now, my friend.

(HERCULES VOICE ECHOS)

Time to stop torturing yourself.

Alex: I'd like this one.

(STREET VENDOR ANSWERS)

Oops. Sorry.

Alex: Good?

Hooten: Come on. I got a name. We're going back to Hotel Nijinsky.

Can't I meet your friend?

No.

What?

Keep walking, Alex.

Alex: Ubor Shitza, that's the name?

Hooten: Yeah.

Alex: What does he look like?

I don't know.

He told you the name, but not what he looks like. Why not just ask him?

This friend of yours...

It's not my friend.

Who does she work for?

Pff, I don't know.

I'm not gonna ask her, she certainly wouldn't tell me.

Well, she's in over her head.

What is wrong with you?

Ubor Shitza.

Ubor Shitza?

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

(CHATTER)

I don't think the general would apreciate wedding crashers, so let's stay under the radar.

Alex: I've seen that cleaning lady before.

Excuse me.

Sorry, um...

Do you remember me? I helped you with your trolley?

Sorry. Just one second.

Um...

We wanna go up there and drink some of their champagne.

But look at us.

We look like... sh*t.

(CLINKING OF KEYS)

(WOMAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

All this for a bit of plastic.

Aren't you going to look silly.

You can call this off any time you want.

I'm done doing the real/fake argument with you.

You wanna leave, Alex?

Then leave.

Clive: Well, I hope you're gonna enjoy London and everything she has to offer. I...

(WOMAN CLEAR HER THROAT)

Uh. Lady Tabitha.

Clive... I have a tinsy problem.

And you're going to help me with it.

Alex: How are we supposed to find this man, we don't even know how he looks like!

Ubor!

Ubor Shitza! How have you been?

Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.

You just do that until you find him.

Something's happened.

Alex: You're not telling me something.

Not now, Alex.

Let's just do this.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

(ADVENTURE MUSIC)

Wait! Heels! Heels, heels, heels.

Okay.

***

Find Ubor Shitza.

♪

Uborsht!

Uborscht Shista, you look brillant!

Niet.

No?

Ubor Shista!

I... How long has it been?!

We were at the... the...

No.

Alexandra.

Valeria.

You look... very well.

You look like something the cat coughed up.

Right, well...

You're just rude.

Pathetic.

And... you have a handbag-size crossbow, of course you do.

You not actually have been trying to sh**t me with...

Oh my G... Ok, fine.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Alex: You have got some serious issues!

Valeria: You've got my job.

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

I got an idea.

(PANTING) Ok, I-I'm still going to escape, You guys could still chase me but just do it at a leisurely pace.

What do you say?

(CRACKLING)

Yeah. Let's stick to tradition.

(ALEX SCREAMS)

Valeria: I should be working for the British Museum.

You cheated on all of your essays. I... did propper research, and I did lovely annotated foot notes!

Little miss Perfect.

Always playing by the rules.

Always got to be the good girl.

In case they stop loving you and send you back!

(GLAS SHATTERS)

That's not true.

(COCKS THE g*n)

Never mind.

It'll all be... over soon.

Hooten: Coming through!

Valeria: Ah!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Alex, the cops!

You really don't wanna be here!

(SIRENS CONTINUE)

(ALEX SCREAMS)

Man: SPEAKS RUSSIAN.

"Niet. Katjeshka."

Alex: "Katjeshka...katjeshtka..."

Hooten: Shhh!

Hooten: Grab your things.

Alex: "Katjishtka..."

What about it?

I've heard that before.

Yeah, it probably has something to do with all of this!

"Kattjish- katjishka..."

What?

It's just something...

...niggling me.

It means "dry-cleaning."

Oh well, that's usefull. That'll help us track down our guy.

No, no, no, no, it's not a guy!

It's not "Ubor Shitza," it's, "Ubur- chistka."

It means "cleaning-lady".

Alex: That's who Hercules was talking about.

She is his contact!

(CAR DOORS SQUEAK OPEN AND CLOSE)

"Ubur-chistka"

Alex: The hotel gave us your adress.

Finally.

I was starting to feel sorry for you.

But Hercules told me to wait until he was sure it was safe.

If you knew it was us, why didn't you stay at the hotel?

Cleaning-lady: Oh, my shift was over.

I see enough of that place.

(SOFT MUSIC)

♪

(EXHALES IN AMAZEMENT)

How do you have this?

My great-grand-father was... one of those who smashed Fabergé's workshop.

But he liked shiny things.

He took it.

He did. But he would have been k*lled for it.

A family secret for nearly hundred years.

Passed onto the children.

Don't tell... Don't tell...

You will die if you dare.

But I have no children to pass it on, I am... sick of secrets.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(GASPS) My...

This can't be their blood.

Why not?

They picked their finger, and all squeezed one drop.

Together for eternity.

The Tsar, his wife, their little princes and princesses.

Perhaps they know the end was coming.

Alex: Stalin... couldn't find this, he turned the entire country upside down!

Nor could the... the KGB find it, nor could the Mafia!

How did Mr. *Worthington?

He also likes shiny things.

He followed the Revolutionary.

The weakness for beauty.

And found me.

Is Hercules on his way?

He's dead.

(MUSIC STOPS)

He was k*lled for this.

Yes.

Ah!

I'm so- I'm so so sorry.

And we have to take this back to the Museum just so we can... we can analyse it but I promise you we will pay you.

I don't want paying!

It is a curse.

Take it!

Put it in a wand.

Smash it to pieces, I don't care anymore.

He's dead.

(SOBS) Take it.

Why didn't you tell me?

He didn't give your name.

Nobody will come looking for you.

Hercules promised to protect me.

Was it a bad death?

It was quick.

Liar.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

♪

Alex: I still can't believe she just gave that to us?

What this means for the Museum.

Hooten?

Hoot... (DOOR CLOSES)

No, no, no, no, no, no. Hooten!

Hooten! Wait!

Why did you just do that?!

A man was m*rder*d for that.

If you take it, then the person that wants it will come after you, too.

And he won't stop.

You and everyone you love will be in danger.

I have never heard so much crap in all my life! Have you completely lost your mind?!

They will not stop until everything and everyone you love is destroyed.

I know this.

Ah!

And now, no one can have it.

Hooten: I just saved your life. Get in your car and go home.

Just go home, Alex.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hi.

Alex. Hey. How's Russia?

Alex: Uh, it's fine, um...

Alex: Clive I'm going... I'm coming home.

Clive: And what are you bringing back?

Nothing, I'm afraid.

I see.

Well, (CLEARS THROAT) just as an FYI your... desk bound... from now on.

Alex: What?

You-you-you can't just do that.

Clive: Yes I can. I'm your boss, in case you hadn't noticed.

I want the old Alex back so I'm clipping your wings.

You're... clipping my wings?

Who do you think you are, exactly?

Alex: And don... and don't talk to me about the old Alex, because you have no idea who I am.

Are you drunk?

Alex: No, I am just sick of being the good girl.

Alex?

Ella: Well that didn't go as planned, did it?

(SIGHS)

(POIGNANT MUSIC SWELLS)

(OUTBOARD MOTOR APPROACHES)

(WATER SLOSHES)

(ALEX SHIVERS WITH COLD)

(GIN WIGMORE "k*ll of the Night" BEGINS)

♪ The street's a liar ♪
♪ I'm gonna lure you into the dark ♪
♪ My cold desire ♪
♪ to hear the boom, boom boom of your heart. ♪
♪ The danger is I'm dangerous ♪
♪ And I might just tear you apart ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I'm gonna catch ya I'm gonna get ya, get ya ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ I wanna taste the way that you bleed, oh ♪
♪ Oh, ah, oh ♪
♪ You're my k*ll of the night ♪

Alex: I'm worried about you Hooten. Your friend was m*rder*d and now you're hiding out here in Cambodia.

Hooten: Sorry Alex. I tried to keep you out of this.

Alex: You're looking for *Shambhala aren't you.

Alex: I know the legend.

Alex: Who's the buyer? Who is he?

Hooten: He wants the jewel, even more than he wanted that Fabergé egg.

Alex: That's him isn't it?

Hooten: If I can find it first, then I can get what I want in return.

Alex: We have got to call the police.

Alex: Oh!

Hooten: Are you kidding, this is Cambodia.

What the hell is going on here.

Revenge.

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]

(Doo-Wop Refrain)

♪ I set up camp in the center of town ♪
♪ Ready for freedom when it all comes down ♪
♪ Snapping my fingers, walking around ♪
♪ I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown ♪
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪
♪ From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day ♪
♪ I got a talisman tote with the whole array ♪
♪ And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪