01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[SNIFFS]

Um... Hi Ozzie.

Huh?

Don't get weird, but you're about to hit a deer.

[SCREAMS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SCREAMS]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW]

Beacon, New York. Next stop.

This is Ozzie Graham reporting on StarCrossed, a support group for people who believe they've been abducted by aliens and... meet in a Catholic church for some reason.

It has been 302 days since I last saw my wife, Debbie.

And I'm starting to think that she may never come back.

As many of you know, we were taken during a camping trip 10 years ago by the Reptilians.

And it seems to me that they've come back to finish the job.

Why is he writing?

Chelsea, we discussed this.

Ozzie's a journalist and we agreed that he could write an article about the group.

I didn't agree to that.

I clearly said, Chelsea, that if this makes anyone uncomfortable, they don't have to participate today.

Just to reassure everybody, your... your real names will not be used in this article.

Well, it's too late now.

No, it's not.

I don't have...

It's too late now.

OK, Reptilians, are shape-shifters.

They are psychopathic.

Sure.

They live amongst us.

Almost every US president, past and current was a Reptilian.

Nixon?

Nixon.

Reagan?

Reagan.

Lincoln?

Lincoln.

One of the most lizardy presidents out there.

What? Wow.

One of the biggest.

They've lived amongst us for centuries.

There are actually a number of theories on that.

It's a stone-cold fact, Gerry, and you know it.

I'm just saying, there are different kinds of aliens, with different agendas.

Just to be clear, were all of you abductees?

Oh my god.

Not cool, bro.

And then he says that.

We very much prefer the term, "experiencers" to "abductees".

It's just gives us a little more agency.

Calling someone an abductee is a lot like slut shaming.

Sorry, did you all have experiences with Reptilians?

No.

Mine were Greys.

Big heads.

Little bodies.

Massive wet soulless eyes.

Mm-hmm.

Mine looked like Ryan Gosling.

Or like a young Paul Newman.

But albino and 9 feet tall.

Figures.

I get visited by lizard men, and she got Ryan Gosling.

The Reptilians are the ones you have to watch out for, Ozzie. The others are inconsequential.

Man: What?!

This is a line we've discussed a lot.

Take your head out of your ass.

Margaret, check yourself.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

I think I'm good. Thank you.

StarCrossed, it's like a weirdo circus of attention seekers and paranoid delusionals.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Car's running if you still want a lift.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for giving me a lift. My car is in the shop.

Oh, bummer. What happened?

I hit a deer.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Feel free to reach out if you need any technical consulting with your journalistic endeavors.

I'm also an advocate for legalization.

_

Yeah, the two kind of complement each other, don't they?

Yeah, they totally do.

Call any time!

You're never bothering me!

Oh god, life is cruel.

Hey, man.

You're very special.

[WHIMPERS]

Hey, it's you.

Ah! Oh, no!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SCREAMS] Aah!

Sorry. I haven't been sleeping too well lately.

Uh, but I'm fine.

Jonathan Walsh will see you now.

Uh, hey, Jonathan?

Dude!

I'm reading your alien-support-group thing.

I don't like it.

You don't?

No.

I freakin' love it!

Oh.

Wow. That's... that's an impressive desk.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, I asked for a smaller office, but they built me this instead. Anyway, fantastic piece of click bait.

I'm hungry for more.

There's no more. It's a... silly article about some harmless weirdos who believe in aliens.

Yeah, but why do these harmless weirdos believe in aliens?

My last two articles before this were about prison reform and g*n control.

That's what I should be covering.

Look, I know you won a Pulitzer...

Never won a Pulitzer, Jon.

Well, we're gonna get you one, 'cause you're amazing.

But here's the thing, buddy.

It's your first week back since the car accident...

I knew it! I knew it!

No! Look, I am fine, all right?

I hit a deer with my car. It's not a big deal.

People do that all the time.

And I've seen worst things on assignment.

When I covered Occupy Wall Street, I got tased three times.

Three times by the same cop!

And you will be tased again, I promise.

Just get me one more draft of this.

Fine. One more draft, and then I'm done with the tinfoil-hat b*at.

Dude, a billion percent, yes!

I guess I could buy some pot.

Yeah, I'm having office hours right now!

Just... totally just swing by, and we can talk it out.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, sorry, gotta go.

Hey, assh*le! You're working or what?

Come on!

[HORNS HONKING, INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Welcome to the nerve center.

What do you think?

It's... efficient.

I got my research library there, my star charts up overhead, and the crown jewel.

Beacon has the highest number of reported alien encounters on the East Coast.

And it all starts here.

200 feet to your left.

1962, an average young couple return home from a cocktail party.

For reasons unknown, they decided to park in the middle of this field.

When, boom!

Aliens got 'em?

You didn't know I was gonna say that.

Well, what were you gonna say?

Aliens got 'em.

I'm tellin' you, Ozzie, there's dickery afoot in Beacon. Alien dickery.

With my expertise, and your connections, we can pull the lid off this town.

We could be like Han and Luke, or Woodstein and Birdbaum.

Woodward and Bernstein?

Yeah, any of those guys.

Take a pick. I'm Han.

[TIRES SCREECH]

I... I think this is where my accident happened.

I keep seeing that sign in my dreams.

You had your accident in Beacon?

You hit a deer and you're dreaming about it?

People hit deer all the time, Gerry.

It... it's not that unusual.

You're right.

It's textbook.

Look, if I wanted to interview the rest of your group, do you think you could set that up?

Yeah.

I can engineer that outcome.

Totes.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

So, you're a farmer.

What's that like?

Oh, it's pretty run-of-the-mill, I guess.

Grow some stuff, k*ll some stuff.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Ahh, this soil's so rich, man.

That's 'cause it's pig sh*t.

Ugh.

Working for the Post Office, you get to knock on everybody's door.

And you see all kinds of things, believe you me.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Like what?

Naked people mostly.

This is off the record, right?

Mm-hmm.

I'm a receptionist at the funeral home.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm a temp.

Part time.

I'm a part-time temp at a funeral home.

But just till your band makes it, right?

There's no band.

I'm the V.P. of a major tech company.

But do not use the name or you will be sued.

And what does your company do?

[CHUCKLES]

Have you ever heard of something called the Internet?

We manufacture the little plastic jacks at the end of Ethernet cables that get you on to the Internet.

So...

I'm a homemaker, okay?

That sounded defensive, didn't it?

No, no... a little.

Can you just put me down as a neurologist?

I moved to this retirement community after my husband d*ed.

Yeah, and I hated it at first, but...

Now you love it.

... the sex here is amazing.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. After 60, everybody just goes for it.

And what can you tell me about your alien experience?

Oh, it was pretty late.

It was around mid... Night.

I just got back from a terrible date, which is just a normal date for me.

And I thought I'd just... Go to bed.

But I couldn't sleep that night for some reason.

I just kept... Waking up.

I saw this dark shape in the corner of the room.

But this time it wasn't my ex-husband, so...

I went down to the kitchen for a late-night snack, which I never do.

And I sensed this presence behind me.

Hi, Margaret.

Don't get weird.

[GASPS]

[PLATE SHATTERS]

Hold on.

It said, "Don't get weird"?

Mm-hmm, "Don't get weird." Yeah.

What happened next?

Well, uh, I didn't, even though it was weird, Ozzie.

He was just so... Laid-back.

Reptilians are a calm species.

Quite often they are in positions of authority.

Many of my former bosses were Reptilians in human form.

They're telepathic, which makes it difficult to get a raise.

Richard, focus!

So, when we woke up, we were in some kind of examination room.

And it was all... White.

It was like a futuristic bathroom in a ballpark.

And they started poking at me.

These little gray bastards.

Tall. Nordic-looking.

Lizard people.

When they were done, I will never... Forget.

They looked me... Right in the eyes.

You'll never believe what they said.

You... Are... Special.

You... Are... Special.

Isn't that neat?

It's fascinating.

I know this might be difficult, so I usually like to start these interviews with just a few basic questions...

Oh, I'm not here to talk about my experience, Ozzie.

I'm much more interested in hearing about yours.

I don't know what you're talking about. I didn’t have an experience.

Sorry to blow up your spot man. I told her about your accident.

[scoffs]

What is this, like some kind of an intervention?

No.

Kind of, yeah.

What would you say if I told you that car accidents involving animals are sometimes cover memories used to mask alien encounters?

[scoffs]

They cover them.

They cover them up.

All right, this has been a fascinating journey into alternate realities, but I need to get back to the real world.

We can't help you unless you let us in, Ozzie.

No judgments, man, just love.

Look, I hit a deer. It happens all the time, okay.

Excuse me if I pin this one on nature and not aliens.

Just let me ask you one last thing.

What happened after the accident?

Did you call the police?

Animal care and control?

You don't remember, do you?

Don't get weird.

You're very special.

Aah!

Want my napkin? You're sweating a lot, man.

No, I'm not. It's hot in here.

We're all hot.

I have been working with experiencers for almost six months.

I know one when I see one.

We do have a pretty good eye, man.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Hey, Father Doug, what's up?

I'm reading about my church's sponsorship of an alien cult in a major news site.

And I'm trying to process that without s-screaming.

You promised you wouldn't use actual names!

That was an old draft! It wasn't supposed to be published!

Do you know how much damage control I have to do now?

We'll be lucky if we don't get kicked out of our room.

[ENGINE STARTS]

I don't know how this happened, Gina.

I swear.

Good luck with those non-existent nightmares!

They only get worse.

Come on, Gina!

Gina! [SIGHS]

You published my unfinished article with everybody's names and the name of the church!

Okay, clearly mistakes were made.

How do you mistakenly turn a human-interest piece into some kind of a hatchet job?

It's super bizarre, and we're looking into it.

Here. Okay, fine.

No!

Now, look, the best thing you can do right now is just break off contact...

No, I can't! I-I-I need to make sure they're okay.

Hey, in all fairness, you did call these people weirdos.

So? That's no reason to ruin somebody's life!

Everybody's a weirdo. I'm a weirdo. You're a weirdo.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You work in an airplane hangar and you drive a desk.

Okay. You're upset and you're saying things you don't mean.

Oh, no, I know exactly what I'm saying.

And if this is how you want to operate, you can do it without me!

Okay. No problem.

We'll circle back and touch base later.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I need you to forward my calls. I need to clean out my...

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

.. desk.

You need to clean up your what?

Aah!

No, no, no, no. No.

Is everything all right?

Yes, everything's fine.

Everyone in here, they all had deer... deer heads.

I'm gonna go.

Let's all thank Father Doug for smoothing things over with Our Lady of Sorrows.

People here are actually still pretty upset.

That's why I wanted to...

Big round of applause. Father Doug.

I wasn't finished.

Father Doug.

Good job, yep.

All right!

Whoo!

Amazing.

You're s...

You know what? Just if anyone asks, StarCrossed is a division of AA.

Sounds good.

Okay, I'm already there.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Excuse me.

I owe everyone in this room a huge apology.

There's forgiveness here for everyone, my friend...

We'll take it from here, Father.

Ozzie: Look, when I came here, I thought you were all sad, broken weirdos.

After spending the last week getting to know you all, I-I think I might be broken, too.

We know, but there's only one way to find out for sure.

Just focus on my finger and start counting backwards.

I have to warn you, I'm not really susceptible... Uh!

Wow, that was a record.

Where are you now, Ozzie? What's happening?

I'm driving. It's night.

I think I'm about to hit the deer.

It's not real. It's just a memory.

[SCREAMS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SCREAMS FAINTLY]

Oh, my God. That is so creepy.

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SIGHS]

Huh?

I'm flying!

[SCREAMS]

Whoo!

[PANTING]

Hey, bud.

Aah!

Don't get weird, okay.

Uh!

Gina: Where are you now, Ozzie?

Ozzie: I'm not sure.

Everything's blurry.

Are you sure he's out?

He's totally out. Calm down.

Wait, I hear voices.

I'm just saying he doesn't look like he's out.

His head just moved.

Dude, it's the ship.

The ship is rocking right now.

Okay, all I'm saying is, we've been here before.

I know my freaking job, Jeff!

Guys, guys.

God.

Can we not fight? We're almost there, okay?

Let's just be cool and get this done.

Great, we're getting cool lessons from Don.

Hey, Don. I've got an idea.

Okay, forget it. Forget I said anything.

Why don't you get off our asses and go make us a couple sandwiches?

Okay, he's looking right at me.

sh*t, hang on. sh*t!

"I know my freaking job, Jeff."

Oh, eat a d*ck.

It's not like he's gonna remember any of this.

We're just gonna wipe his mind, tell him he's special, and send him on his way like all the others.

We'll rule them all soon anyway.

[WHIMPERS]

Well, what does that mean, special like all the others?

You hit the trifecta, buddy.

He made contact with a Reptilian, a Grey, and a White at the same time.

That's like having dinner with a unicorn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You all right?

You okay, Ozzie?

I just need some air.

Take 'er easy there.

Good, just need air.

Okay guys, rule us all?

That seems to be the most pressing thought here.

Hi.

How are you doing, buddy?

I'm either loosing my mind or I was abducted by aliens.

So, I'm... I'm doing pretty great, Gerry.

If it makes you feel any better, you were totally amazing back there.

Why would that make me feel any better?

Some people would give their right arm for an experience like that.

Those people are out of their g*dd*mn minds.

Well, I'm one of 'em.

You know why I didn't tell you about my experience?

'Cause I never had one.

I've been trying to make contact for years.

I even got this crappy job next to a famous abduction site.

But they still don't want me.

They just want people like you who don't even believe in them.

[SIGHS] I'll get out of your hair.

Wait. Gerry.

Wait.

You're right.

There is dickery afoot in Beacon, and... maybe it's aliens.

It's totally aliens.

Or maybe it's something else, like...

I don't know, angry teenagers or the government.

Maybe it's like a Tuskegee experiment thing.

All I know is something happened to me and something happened to those people in there, and I need to find out what it is.

A-and I can't do that alone.

I need your help.

So, you in?

Can I be Han?

Fine.

I'm in.

Oh.

All right, Bernbaum.

You are very special.

Thanks, buddy. You too.

I'm not really used to this, but...

I had a pretty good week.

I quit my job.

Well, I'm just really worried about you, bud.

Nancy said you stormed out of here the other day because everyone, and I quote, "Had deer heads"?

But I found a new one here in Beacon.

You've worked for The Wall Street Journal, New York Times and Glint Enterprises, and you want to work here?

I'm interested in all things Beacon.

So it looks like I'll be sticking around for a while.

My name is Ozzie Graham, and I may be... may be, possibly... an experiencer.

Is... We don't stand?

Mmh-mmh.

No.

We don't say last names, either.

Oh, really?

Yeah, get me the financials on the Beacon Daily Gazette.

They're doing some interesting stuff on the local level.

It might be nice to be involved.

Just do it, Edward. Don't get weird.

[COUGHING]

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, it just went down the wrong tube.

Eyes.

Oh, thanks.

Better?

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Got a sample.

Great.

Grab a medal, man.

A medal?

Congratulations for doing your job.

I'm such a mast...

Okay, now he's gonna cry again.

Okay, okay.

I'm not crying.

You know what?

I'm not even crying yet.

You guys do this. I go back to that.

Don, we're just kidding man.

[SIGHS]

We're not... Come back here.

It's not...

Will you hug him, for God's sake.

It's worse than having a puppy.

It is, yeah.

God.