03x03 - I Kid, You Not

[bunniefuu]

Look at him.

So engaged in his electronic television game.

More like obsessed.

He needs to stop for five minutes and clean up his room.

Which one of us do you think they're talking about?

My room's clean.

Gotta be you.

Honestly, I don't know what you two see in that game.

"That game" is Chimpocalypse, the most popular video game in America.

And hamburger sandwiches are the most popular food.

Doesn't make them good.

Okay, Evan, time to do your homework.

Aw, man.

Oscar, you need to get cleaned up for dinner.

Aw, man.

Thank you.

I know you and Evan got off to a rocky start, I really appreciate how hard you've worked to win him over.

The key is putting myself in the mind of a child.

Well, feel free to come back out any time.

All right, I want a re-match, buddy, tomorrow.

It's your money.

Hey, Charlotte! Cute top.

Thanks, Teddy.

Women love to hear about their shirts.

Hey, you guys mind if I brought Andre over here for Halloween?

He heard this building is great for trick-or-treating.

Of course. Although I'm not sure where he heard that, we hardly get any trick-or-treaters.

Well, we used to.

Then Felix moved in, and instead of giving them candy, he gave out dental floss.

Are you saying that children are avoiding our apartment?

No.

They're avoiding you.

Evan told me they all call you Count Plaque-ula.

(laughing): Count Plaque-ula.

Kids are mean and funny.

Laugh all you want, but gingivitis doesn't take a holiday.

A little fact that Big Candy doesn't want you to know.

Felix, come on.

Halloween is the one night of the year you get to go crazy and be a kid.

Is it?

Or is it just a celebration of irresponsibility?

"Let's get hopped up on sugar and mock the dead!"

You got pushed down a lot as a kid, didn't you?

Face it, Felix, Halloween isn't the problem... you are.

You just don't know how to cut loose.

Can't cut loose? I?

The guy who plays "La Vida Loca" on the cello?

I feel like pushing him down right now.

Are you actually saying that I lack a childlike sense of abandon?

Oscar: You were never a child.

When you came out of the womb, you hung up the placenta.

Well, I'm not going to apologize for being a mature adult.

As the poet William Butler Yeats famously said, "It is so many years..."

Oh, you going down right now!

Damn, you're like a statue!

Pilates.

I don't believe it.

(laughs)

(gasps) Where'd that come from?

I hung it while you were at work, I hope you like it.

Aw, I love a Halloween decoration!

Or every one ever made.

Oh, is it too much?

Oh, I'm sorry. You've already been so nice by letting me crash here while I find a new apartment.

No, no, no, it's the perfect setting for our scary movie marathon.

Ooh, I can't wait!

But you know what, I've got to warn you, when I get scared I have to pee, so we're going to be working that pause button.

(knocking)

Hello.

Oh, what a festive display of fire hazards.

Oh that's right, Halloween isn't really your thing.

No, never has been.

I remember the last time I tried to participate.

I was seven and dressed as Nobel-Prize-winning scientist Marie Curie.

Had to take off my pumps to escape the bullies.

Oh, sweetie.

Why are you not trying to repress that memory?

Well, Oscar pointed out that apparently I lack a sense of childlike whimsy.

Since when do you care what Oscar thinks?

Since when does Oscar use the word "whimsy?"

Well, it's not just Oscar.

I was upset to learn that the children of the building seem to agree. I guess it's because I don't know how to "cut loose" or "go crazy."

Those air quotes aren't doing you any favors.

Well, this year I plan to embrace the spirit of the season, by planning a good, old fashioned, night of irresponsible fun.

How about you just put your hands in your pockets?

Good for you. What do you have in mind?

Well, as you know, every Halloween there is a kids' party in the lobby.

But this year, as board president, I plan to introduce a haunted history tour of the building.

And I'm here because I need some spooky helpers.

We actually have plans.

Yeah, we're going to eat popcorn, watch scary movies, and not pee on the couch.

But you could do that any night!

Please?

It would really mean a lot to me.

Aw, who could say no to this face?

I could.

But I won't.

(muttering): But I could.

Well, fantastic!

I will get you a draft of the script so that you can start memorizing.

Oh god! Oh no!

Oh, I love Halloween, so much fun, so much fun.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, cool chimpbot costume!

I wish they made those in adult sizes.

Maybe they do.

No, I already checked.

You are gonna clean up on candy tomorrow.

Not here I'm not.

I have to work tomorrow night, so Evan's going to my sister's in Long Island.

Or he could stay here and go trick-or-treating with me.

Evan: That's what I said!

But then my mom just laughed for, like, a really long time.

I didn't laugh... that long.

What's so funny about me taking care of Evan?

Nothing.

It's just my sister hasn't seen him in a while, they'll have a great time.

She's super responsible.

Ha! And I'm not?

Uh-oh, she's going to laugh again.

No, Oscar.

It's just I like Evan a whole lot, and I'd like to keep him...

Well, I'd like to keep him.

I can do this.

We won't leave the building, I'll never take my eyes off of him and you can trust me.

You trust me, right?

Okay.

Let's give it a try.

Awesome!

We're gonna have a great time!

(shatters)

And be very responsible.

(trumpeting)

Who are you?

Mozart van Beethoven?

Our educational system really failed you, didn't it?

This is my costume for tonight's terrifying trek through our building's haunted past.

Oh great, do you mind if Evan and I tag along?

I would love that!

I just didn't think you were interested.

(laughing): Oh, I'm not.

But if I want to have any kind of future with Charlotte, I need to prove to her that I'm mature.

So I'm going to spend Halloween with the most mature guy I know.

Well, thank you, Oscar.

And when I say mature, I mean boring.

Oh, you might be surprised.

This tour is going to be "spook-tacular."

"Abso-boo-tly" frightening.

For all the... boys and (spooky): ghouls.

It's exhausting being you, isn't it?

It's not easy.

Hey Oscar, go long!

Hey!

(groans)

Nice catch!

Thanks.

Wish I was wearing a cup.

Teddy, what's with the suitcase?

Oh, it's Andre's.

His second costume is in there.

I hit all the apartments in this costume, then I change for round two.

Very clever.

It's not my first Halloween.

If he was this focused on sports or education, he'd be unstoppable.

Can you imagine?

Well, I'm off. See ya, Dad.

You sure you don't want me to go with you?

No offense, but you slow me down.

Too much chit-chat, not enough Kit Kat.

Now who's this cute little...

No time!

All right, I'm ready to go, Oscar.

Great!

I'll be home by 10:00.

Be responsible, follow the rules.

I will.

I was talking to Oscar.

I will.

We're going to have so much fun.

Well, don't have too much fun.

We'll be with Felix.

(vocalizing quietly)

Well, have some fun.

Okay.

Felix: Good evening.

Our Haunted History tour will begin when the clock strikes...

(dramatically): 6:45.

Doing this for Charlotte, doing this for Charlotte...

Oscar, it's funny.

Tonight you are attempting to act like a mature adult, while I'm endeavoring to access my inner child.

Oh, he's probably just in there dusting.

Anne: Hello, Felix.

This is my son Simon.

No, I'm Albert Einstein.

Of course you are.

And you can meet us back here in an hour because the tour is "relativit-ly" short.

(chuckling): Good one.

I have a backpack of supplies.

Breath spray, wet wipes, and a drone if we need to send for help.

Oh, my god, there's two of them?

Oscar, can we go up to the roof?

All my friends are gonna sneak up and throw water balloons!

That's an awesome idea!

Is what a bad adult would say... to an awesome idea that I can't let you do.

(playing theremin)

Oh hello, I am Ebenezer Strotham.

You may not know me, but you do know my work.

You're standing in it.

The building.

I designed the building.

In 1905, it was the site of a mysterious death.

Robert Coleman's heart gave out in his seventh-floor apartment.

Authorities called it natural causes, but some called it... m*rder!

(theremin playing)

How long is this going to take?

About an hour.

But it'll feel like forever.

That's relativity!

Hold your fire.

So join me now for an evening of mystery, but, most of all, fun.

(theremin playing)

Not a toy!

Not a toy!

Now, Robert Coleman didn't die in that stairwell.

But he could have, because safety railings weren't required by New York state until...

(dramatically): ...1937.

So how did they navigate the stairs?

They walked, Einstein.

What? He's Einstein.

Join me as we enter the apartment where Coleman lived with his kindly nurse.

Lived...

(dramatically): ...and d*ed!

Come on, come on, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

(dramatically): Who dares disturb our slumber?

You want some slumber, why don't you join our tour?

You're not a guy, you're the lady who keeps trying to sell my mom jewelry.

Tell her that all the seasonal bracelets are half price.

(whispering): Stay on script.

I roam the halls looking for a young, healthy heart because mine was taken from me on a night most foul.

(dramatically): Might I be the m*rder*r?

Who's the hooker?

Watch your mouth, 4B. I know your mama.

(quietly): Dani, I didn't tell you to buy a sexy nurse outfit.

I just bought a nurse's outfit.

I put the sexy in it.

Well, kids, it's still pretty scary, isn't it?

Please, this is nothing.

Did you ever see Saw?

See saw?

Oh no, if those things aren't balanced it's like a catapult.

Can we go now?

Yes, because there are 17 clues hidden throughout the building that will help solve the mystery.

Did she say 17?

I wasn't listening.

Yeah, me neither.

And that's why in mid-1990s they replaced every carpet in the building.

Remember, children: mold is the silent k*ller.

Excuse me, my mom just texted me.

I have to go.

Yeah, his mom said I have to go, too.

Yeah, you know, me too.

Hey, wait!

Come on, Oscar!

You promised that we would have some fun.

We will. I'll talk to Felix.

Felix?

Felix?

Ebenezer?

Yes?

We gotta speed things along. These kids are getting bored.

Bored?

Or entertained into silence?

It's Halloween, all we want is candy!

I mean all they want is candy.

And they're going to get it.

The 17th clue is the combination that unlocks this briefcase full of candy.

You've been holding out on us?!

Give it!

No, no.

Give it!

No.

Man, those Pilates are really paying off.

Thank you, thank you very much.

But you're not getting the candy!

Stop being so immature. You stop being so lame!

We're going to lose these kids!

Oh crap, I've already lost one!

Evan! Evan!

Evan!

Have you seen a chimpbot?

I'm a T Rex!

Do you know how questions work?

There you are, buddy.

Listen, we gotta stick together.

Let's go back to my apartment and regroup.

We've got a ton of candy over there.

There's a chimpbot.

There's a reason you're extinct.

Candy is right there, help yourself.

Evan ditched me.

I thought I lost him for a second.

That would have been bad.

He's Charlotte's only kid.

(gasps)

You're not Evan!

Why are you in his costume?

This is my back-up.

Why didn't you tell me when I kept calling you Evan!

You promised me candy and I rolled with it.

Teddy, stop drinking alone and help me find Evan!

I'm going to start in the lobby.

I'll start at the penthouse and work down.

I'll just hang back here.

My dogs are barking.

Oh, great.

Well, it's just us.

I suppose we ought to call it a night.

Really?

But I have to know... was it m*rder?

No, it was complications of an STD.

Which stands for "Super Terrifying Disease."

Now that I've spoiled the ending, I suppose there's no reason to do the rest of the tour.

Where the hell are they?!

We're clue number seven!

They should have been here by now.

They better hurry up.

This place is creepy, and the radiator steam is making my damn nails pop off.

Well I suppose you deserve a reward for staying as long as you did.

Do you have anything healthy?

Granny Smith. Jackpot!

I'm sorry that I ruined your Halloween.

That's okay.

I don't like Halloween.

I can't wait to be an adult so I don't have to do this stuff anymore.

You know, I suppose I felt that way too when I was your age.

But now I feel like I missed out on something.

I see people cutting loose, and being mischievous...

I wish I had learned how to do that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You have plenty of time to be an adult, so don't rush through the kid part.

You know, Simon?

Simon?

Dr. Einstein?

Yes?

What do you say you and I have some fun, huh?

Throw caution to the wind!

Not the wind?!

Yes, the wind!

I don't know how to do that.

Neither do I.

But we will brave these uncharted waters together, hm?

Come on.

Oh wait, wait, wait.

There's a little bit of food residue on your shirt.

Oh dear.

Boop!

This might take some time.

Yeah.

I lost a human, a whole human!

(shouts)

Well that's an ego boost.

I didn't think you'd be home so soon.

I was able to duck out early so the three of us could go trick-or-treating.

Oh, you really didn't have to do that.

You really, really didn't have to.

Okay, here's the thing.

Evan...

Is right there!

Yeah, Oscar, right here where you dropped me off.

I told my mom you did a great job watching me.

I'm glad it went well.

Yes...

It went well.

I'm going to leave now.

Well, thanks for doing such a good job watching him.

I didn't do a good job watching him.

He ran away!

What?!

I've been looking all over the building for you!

You scared the hell out of me!

Look, I'm sweating even more than usual!

Is this true, Evan?

He is pretty sweaty.

Sorry.

He wasn't any fun.

Oh, I was no fun?

You want to see me being no fun?

How about no food for a month?

Might be a little much.

Yeah, you're right, it's my first time.

No Chimpocalypse for a month.

That sounds fair.

No, it doesn't.

Man, Oscar, you're so mean!

It's not easy, is it?

No, how do you do this parenting thing 24/7?

Wine helps.

But you know what?

You handled that really well.

You think?

Yes.

Very mature.

And that's quite a sacrifice for you, no Chimpocalypse for a month?

What?

No, that was for Evan.

He ran away, not me.

I gotta say, Oscar, seeing you step up like you did there was pretty sexy.

You want that candy don't you?

Yeah, I really do.

There you all are!

(all sighing)

You left before the most fun part... reading material!

You want to talk about scary, wait 'til you see these archaic building codes.

What?

What? What is it?

(screams)

It's the ghost of Robert Coleman!

He's come for my heart!

Ah!

(screaming)

Respect... your... teachers.

(screaming)

That was awesome!

Yes, it was!

Great work with the drone!

That was exactly the kind of reckless tomfoolery that being a kid is all about, huh?

I guess we better get you home, huh?

Why do I get the nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something?

Please tell me your foot has a tail.

I felt it, too!

Aw, hell no!

Oh, my god!

This is the first time ever having nougat.

Good.

Not great.

All right, here, try a Three Musketeers bar.

They named a candy bar after my third-favorite Alexandre Dumas novel!

No, I probably shouldn't.

I've had so much already.

Oh come on, feed your inner child.

He's had a huge night.

Should we split it?

Unless of course you're too mature and responsible for candy after dinner.

Who knows?

I may even floss tonight.

Whoo! What a night.

Teddy: Look at that swagger!

Learned it from me.

Let's get you home, son.

One of you chumps want to tell me something?