01x02 - Jenny Has the Gay

[bunniefuu]

I don't know what to wear.

Wear anything.

Pride's basically Halloween, but with empowerment and dong-shaped water g*ns.

How about this? It's colourful.

Uh, do you have anything a little less hetero-sexual pyjama party?

[sighs]

No, no, no, Jen.

That is the fifth time your mom has texted in the last hour.

Since I left, Mom's been signing her and Dad up for classes.

Line dancing.

What happened to independent Jen who refused help setting up our bookcase and floating shelves?

I'll be quick. There is no quick with your mother.

There's just slow, slower and passive-aggressive.

[cell phone ringing]

If you answer that, I'm gonna go to Pride with your cool cousin, and leave you here to give your mom opinions on cowboy boots.

Touché.

But, I still don't know what to wear.

Perfect!

♪♪

[groaning] Oh, Mother-of-pearl, I am never drinking again.

I didn't believe it in uni and I do not believe it now.

What happened after the bar?

We went to a bar?

We have to do the routine.

We have to do the routine.

No love-struck randos hiding under the bed. Check!

No weirdos here. Check!

No regrettable texts to exes. Check!

Our Pride pic with Naomi got 100 likes, 20 hearts, 17 laughs, 8 wows, and an angry face.

Oh, let's show a "morning after" pic, showing Naomi and her gay sisters our support.

Both: Naaaahhh...

"Hinged over with my grill"?

I am too hinged-over to get up right now, but if we're out of coffee, I will k*ll someone with my mind.

All good.

We've only used the coffee grounds three times.

And we are moving slowly. Okay...

Lewis: Oh, what a great run... chasing that ice cream truck down.

Great motivation.

Nate: Mm-hm.

How are you not hung-over?

What? I drink responsibly.

You threw up three times last night.

Yeah, that's the responsible thing to do when you're gonna be drinking all night.

[cell phone chimes] _

Jen, if your mom texts one more time, I'm gonna hurl that phone at Lewis' head so he knows what pain I'm in.

I missed you last night.

Uh, both of you.

Uh, we missed both of you last night.

Oh, yeah, you guys missed my performance.

Oh, yeah, he got dragged on stage with Regina Galour.

I come from a family that's very open about sexuality.

We used to walk around naked all the time.

Nate knows. Nate, tell 'em.

Lewis: Tell 'em, Nate.

Yeah, the only sex talk I got when I was younger was when my father caught me watching "American Pie."

He said that masturbation was okay, but giving food, baked or otherwise, the good lovin', was wrong.

At least your family broached the subject.

What? There was no talk of the birds and the bees and the little stingers in the Wu-Don't-Talk-About-Tang Clan?

Uh, if you mean did my parents talk about...

[gulps] sex, then, no.

My mom tried to explain it once with Pokémon cards.

I can never look at Squirtle the same way again.

[cell phone ringing]

Aren't you gonna answer that?

Nope.

I am an adult and if I do not want to answer a phone call from my mother, I do not have to.

Plus, Mo won't let me.

[phone continues ringing]

We're weaning Jen off her mother.

She gets one call in the morning, one in the afternoon, and no more Facebook friendship.

Yo, that's cold.

Actually, I've been thinking of taking a break from my mother altogether.

After seeing everyone at Pride so free, maybe being free of my mother's grip will allow me to embrace my sexuality.

[gulps]

Uh, it stopped ringing.

Do you think she's okay?

Maybe she's fallen and can't get back up.

Yeah. [clears throat]

[cell phone camera clicking]

Dear Christ.

Really?

Sweet God.

[cell phone ringing]

Jenny not answering.

She better be dead or I k*ll her.

Ma, chill. Jen's fine.

She posted a pic this morning to Facebook.

No, she didn't.

I would have seen it and made witty comment.

She unfriended me?!

[laughing] Hey, Ma, feel the chill.

She's icing you out.

Give me that.

Why Jenny and Mo in gay march?

Maybe 'cause it's one of the coolest events of the summer that everyone goes to, unless their mother makes them stay home to take the tips off of beans.

Fine. I force her to talk traditional way... guilt and food.

[cell phone ringing]

[phone clicks]

Jenny, it's your mommy. How are you sweetheart?

You need to come home for dinner.

Bring lots of friends.

Daddy and I have big surprise for you!

I hate this answering machine!

[cell phone chimes]

"Come over for dinner tonight. Very important."

Ugh, please tell me that is the hot fireman from last night, then please tell me he's bisexual.

Nope, still your mom.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighing]

"Need to tell you something big when you're here.

Face with face."

That's the exact text I got when my parents split up.

What?

No way. She probably just wants to tell you about some celebrity she thinks she saw.

I don't care what your mom says...

Michelle Pfeiffer does not have a "live, laugh, love" tattoo on her lower back.

What if she's sick? What if she's dying?

Do you really want my mother's blood on your hands?

Your mom's not gonna die after one day of neglect, Jen.

She's not a Tamagotchi.

[cell phone chimes]

No, no, no, dude. Do not answer that.

"Special dinner. Bring friends for support. Mommy make fish soup."

Oh, dinner with your family? Sounds lovely.

A hot meal with your hot mom? Yeah, we're in.

Nate: [crunches]

Oh, man, I'm so excited for your mom's fish soup.

Hey, you think before you break off all communication with her, she could email us the recipe?

Jen, what's wrong?

Normally, when I make light of your mommy issues, you roll your eyes at me.

Uh, I just realized, I am sort of like I'm breaking up... with my mother.

Okay, now you're just begging for me to make light of your issues.

Maybe it won't be a big deal.

I mean, I'm just asking for space.

Maybe she'll understand.

Yeah, okay, I deserve that one.

Mm-hm.

Lewis: Buddy, I am so excited for homemade Chinese food... although, do they call it Chinese food?

Or do they just call it food?

That was a nice, dumb joke. What's going on?

Lewis, I just realized that I'm about to meet Jen's parents.

So what? Parents love you.

You're clean, you're smart, you're employed.

You don't make dumb jokes like this guy.

Yeah, but it's all out of order.

Okay, you don't meet the parents, unless you know that the girl likes you.

So?

Well, I haven't told her that I like her, and I have no idea if she likes me.

I don't think I like you right now.

Another dumb joke, right?

Listen, so what if the things are out of order.

Maybe it's a blessing.

Look, Jen is tight with her family, right?

So, why don't you just woo the older Wus, and then that way you can woo the younger Wu.

All right, that was dumb, too, wasn't it?

You've had dumber.

Mmmm.

Hey, what's with all this, by the way?

My dad always said that to impress a lady, impress her parents.

Hey!

Uh, you do know white flowers signify death in Asian cultures, right?

Okay, Wu family protocol.

Personal pride is very important in Chinese culture, so me asking for space from my mom is going to be big.

There's gonna be a lot of silent judging.

[doorbell ringing]

Jenny! Why you standing out here like you're about to rob the place?

Soup getting cold. Come in! Aiya!

Sounds like pretty loud judgment to me.

I so happy to see your diverse friends so accepting of you.

And thank you for the wine, Nathan.

Not sure why you thought it was better than mine, but thank you.

Uh, and everything here just looks, um... delicious.

It's fish soup. Jenny's favorite.

Although, maybe not anymore.

So many changes in her life she keep to herself, even though mommy breast-fed her until she was three.

Come to think of it, Jenny has always loved the boob.

Hey, I get it.

Me, too.

Eyes on the rice.

You know, Mr. Wu, uh, I barely know anything about you.

Tell me a little about yourself.

[crickets chirping]

Ma, I really need to talk to you.

Oh, now you want to talk, now that it's convenient.

I don't know, maybe I should turn up the thermostat 'cause I'm feeling iced out.

[laughs]

I'm sorry, are we... ? We're not gonna... ? No?

There's a fish head in that bowl, man!

Jen, you need to talk to your mom about the phone blasting.

You know, she's only had half a glass of wine.

Maybe we should wait 'til she's done the full.

Hello, second-favorite child and Mo.

Mrs. Wu, Jen has something she needs to tell you.

Ma, mother dearest, you might not like...

Mommy knows all. Don't worry, Jenny.

Really?

And you're okay with it?

What do you think this big dinner for?

I may not like, but I accept.

Thanks, Mom.

Are you going to get your hair cut like Justin Bieber?

Uh, what?

No need to pretend for Jen anymore, Mo.

I'll leave you two... alone.

Oh, my God, does my mom think I'm gay?

No, she thinks we're gay.

Lewis, I really don't like the way that Mr. Wu's looking at me.

It's like he... it's like he knows I have a crush on his daughter.

Well, yeah, he's just being protective of her, from, you know, the White Devil.

No offence.

None taken.

Look, I just don't know what to do.

The last thing I wanna do is come off stupid.

My dad loves mahjong.

It's not a bad idea.

Remember how much I used to play in university?

No.

With da_creep_69.

Oh, yeah. How is that guy?

He's actually under house arrest.

That is so da_creep.

All right, I'm gonna get in there.

Hey, you got this, all right?

[whooshing]

Mr. Wu, that is a gorgeous picture of Jen.

She's got such beautiful eyes and those chubby cheeks.

That's me.

Right.

You know, before we get started, I just wanted to say thank you so much for having me in your home.

You know, I think it's the perfect time to get to know you guys.

You know, Harold, you seem to know what you're doing.

Have you been playing this game long?

My dad doesn't talk during mahjong.

It breaks his concentration.

Normally, you can't get this guy to shut up.

Well, let's, uh, how about we start matching tiles.

We need a fourth.

Yeah, you know what? Uh, you're so right.

You guys wait here and I'm gonna go grab that fourth.

And then, uh, we'll mahjong it up!

[laughs]

[crickets chirping]

I know, right?

Listen, everyone, we have a very serious situation.

My mom thinks I'm gay.

Probably because you guys posted all those pics of cuddling all over the place... like on the porch.

In the hammock.

In the tub.

You guys cuddled a lot that night.

Yeah.

I know. I already unfriended her online.

But you didn't unfriend Eric.

Nor should you. I like him.

Eric's a great guy.

All I wanted was to slightly insinuate my sexual empowerment, and now this is a freakin' mess.

Hello, rainbow spectrum of people.

Ma, we're not gay.

Oh, Jenny, Mommy saw pictures you posted. Totally accepting.

Even like the ones with double chin pose.

I don't have a double chin. I just have a soft jaw.

Was talking about Jenny. You need to have chin to have double chin.

Jenny, I am 100% understanding of gayness, and now that the truth is out, Jenny doesn't have to ignore mommy anymore and we can talk every day.

I never thought it'd be so hard to come out as straight.

I'm sure there's a support group for that.

It's not like there's anything wrong with being gay.

I'm just not into the...

Lady parts?

Actions speak louder than words.

We are going to show her that we are not gay, by acting all loving and crap with Nate and Lewis.

Dibs on Nate!

I really don't think you're understanding this plan.

Fine, dibs on Jen's hot mom.

Can we just discuss this for a second?

I don't think my... our first impression should be that of a lie.

Jen, just one... Why'd you touch me?

So, I guess that makes us...

No.

No, eh?

No.

[self-conscious laugh]

How about we play this game of mahjong, huh?

You know, Nate, I never noticed how soft your hands are.

I do use a lot of lotion, you know, to moisturize.

My hands are like sandpaper.

You know, I love it when you talk moisture to me.

What about you, girl, you wanna get outta here and like go to the movies or something?

Golly, no, let's just go straight to Make-out Point.

I hear the T-birds are racing the Jets.

Hey, Nate, you wanna like trade it up here?

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get that.

Nope! Stay!

Right on time.

You're my guest.

[urgently, quietly] Jen, please...

Ma: Come on in. [speaking Cantonese]

Ladies, how are those post-Pride hangovers doing?

Jen, it's your gay cousin Naomi.

[self-conscious laugh]

Oh, my God, how are you still drinking right now?

When I left you last night, you were tits-deep in bar rail.

Naomi, listen...

No, you listen...

You two need to respect yourselves and accept who you are, before others can accept who you are.

Right. The thing is I'm...

We're...

Not gay? I know.

What's going on?

[self-conscious laugh]

You know, you're gonna laugh.

It's a really funny story.

Sexuality is not a joke, Jen.

I know.

Ma just won't let go, okay?

So, I cut her out. Cold turkey.

No calls, texts, emails, and you know how our family is.

Things just kind of spiralled out of control.

Okay, so, you're upset because Auntie loves you too much?

And thinks she likes lady parts.

Okay, stop saying "lady parts."

[whispers] Never.

Come on. No, she was calling me like three times a day.

I wish my mom would call me.

When I came out to my parents, my dad said I should have gone to church more, and my mom said, "You'll change."

Why didn't you tell me that?

It's not the sort of thing our family talks about.

But, the fact that Auntie invited me here means so more than some post-Pride selfie ever could.

Your mom's cool. Check your privilege, squirt.

Does your dad ever shut up? [kisses]

You think she wants her soup?

What is this? Conference hallway?

Man, this is getting outta hand.

Mr. Wu just watched his daughter drape herself over me like a fur coat.

Yeah, that was a bit much.

Right?

Um, yeah, for sure. Listen, forget about her, all right?

You're trying too hard.

All you gotta do is challenge him to something that you know that you can b*at him at to show your worth.

Like, uh, like chugging a beer.

You and I both know I can't do that.

Still?

Never.

Right.

I'm just gonna get in there and just spill the beans and tell the truth. People like the truth.

No, Nate. No, they don't.

Jen, if...

[exhaling]

Ma, Dad, I have something to say.

Everyone, I have something to say, if I could.

Sorry, Jen.

I'm not really Jen's boyfriend.

I'm rather acting as her gay beard.

Don't be silly. You have no beard.

I couldn't grow one, if I tried, but really...

Nate! It's fine, really.

No, Jen, you need to talk...

Talk to my mom.

You're right.

Ma, can we talk?

Fine.

Walking for secret talk is good exercise for Jenny's wide calves.

So, you're not gay?

Saw you in diapers.

Naomi, what's up, girl?

'Sup, Lewis?

Heard you got dragged on stage with Regina Galour last night.

Nice.

Yeah, would have been nicer if you were up there with me, though, right?

You know I'm gay, right?

[laughing] Challenge accepted.

No.

Lewis: No?

No. Are you gonna play or are you just gonna talk?

I'm sorry I've been ignoring you.

I just need space.

Who else I talk to?

Eric, teenager. Only like sneakers.

So many coloured sneakers, but only two feet.

What about your classes with Dad?

He doesn't care about those.

Only comes to complain about taxes with other old men.

I appreciate you. I do, really.

I just wish that you would talk with me, instead of at me.

Maybe we can be more open now that I am an adult.

You always be my baby, Jen.

I worry. So many ways to die.

I'm pretty sure one of those ways is smothering.

Maybe I need to call only once a day.

I was thinking more like once a week.

Doctors say baby Jen's head three times the normal size of regular nice baby.

Oh! The pain!

Every other day?

Deal!

And you re-friend me online.

Deal.

Let me take down a couple of pictures first.

I knew you were not gay.

Mo, still confusing.

[laughing] Mahjong!

Others: No.

Naomi: Not quite.

No? I... [sighing]

Thanks for the talk, Naomes.

Yes, you good girl.

You come and talk about gay people thing any time.

Wow, that's both wrong and kind, somehow.

Motto of our family.

No wine for me, thank you, though.

[speaking Cantonese]

All: Ohhhh.

[speaking Cantonese]

Hey, guys, look what I found.

There's a reason we hid that.

Hey, uh, Naomi, we can sing our song.

Yes, except we don't have one, Lewis.

Let's make one then, okay?

[clearing throat]

Are we gonna do a duet or...

[sighing]

♪ Stay and watch the moon a-glow ♪
♪ Come on and sway to and fro ♪

When we first married, Daddy and I were like rabbits.

Actually, his sexual appetite has kept up with his food appetite... at his age.

Good thing I work out, otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep up.

Anyway, that's not why I called.

Oh, so much has happened since I spoke to you two days ago.

Wow, Mom, that's really interesting.

So interesting. You should keep telling Jen about it.

Is that you, Mo?

Mo, you should take down your cleavage sh*ts.

I notice Eric looking at them, and he gets that look in his eye.

Reminds me of the look your father gets after he watches a...

[dryer door slams]

[Ma continues chattering indistinctly]

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