03x07 - Ladies Who Lust

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ I am the one, two, three, four ♪
♪ X marks the spot ♪
♪ I am the bees' knees ♪

"Me, Myself, and O" skyrocketed to number three on Amazon last night.

Oh, my God. Really?

Yes.

This Aubrey Alexis mystery is causing a social media frenzy.

"My Perfect O" is trending right now.

Can you imagine how many orgasms she's had a hand in?

She?

Oh, right. Ew.

[groans]

This is causing quite a stir.

I never expected this book to actually sell.

"The Today Show" called.

Charlie Rose personally called.

Everyone wants to interview Aubrey Alexis.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

This is absurd.

It's time she dropped the nom de plume and reveal herself, at least to me.

Diana, I signed a strict NDA.

Charlie Rose is just going to have to use his imagination like everyone else.

Trust me, you do not want to know what is lurking inside the imagination of Charlie Rose.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, wow.

Aubrey just got invited to read at the Ladies Who Lust benefit tomorrow night.

What is that?

The literary icons of the sexual revolution throw it every year.

What are they raising money for?

Next year's benefit.

♪ ♪

Well, clearly Aubrey can't read at that event.

♪ ♪

The bigger this book becomes, the more dangerous it is for us.

Can you imagine if her fans found out that this young woman that they've been identifying with is...

[whispering] Him?

And that's photoshopped.

If the truth gets out, it won't just k*ll the sales of "Me, Myself, and O."

It'll endanger the entire "Crown of Kings" franchise, which would be a disaster for the company.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

To Aubrey Alexis.

Whoever she is.

[laughing] Yeah!

Whoo.

Elizabeth Gilbert has been tweeting so much that "Vulture" thinks she's Aubrey Alexis.

I'd like to eat, pray, strangle that woman.

"Jezebel" thinks it's Gillian Flynn.

She denied it a full 24 hours and 20,000 new Instagram followers later.

How many more people are gonna take credit for my work?

Consider it a good thing.

It's only boosting sales.

Right, and it's your name on the check.

Plus we've had so many celebrities offer to read for Aubrey at the Ladies Who Lust benefit.

Really? Who?

Well, three choices: Sarah Silverman, Tavi Gevinson, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

[both gasp]

Gwyneth Paltrow?

That could be huge.

You get Gwenny, You. Me. Turks. Caicos.

[laughs]

Oh.

Great.

♪ When I come to you ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

I couldn't put it down.

Except for, like, eight different places where I needed both hands free.

Who is this writer, and why does she understand me better than I understand myself?

She's definitely tapped into something.

Mm.

And at the right moment.

No, it's not about swiping right and sniffing poppers.

It is about owning our own pleasure without a man.

Wait, people are still doing poppers?

Oh, yeah.

You know, it's interesting how scientists are now challenging the theory that the female orgasm is designed for pair-bonding only so women can get attached and form stable partnerships.

Ugh, finally.

I mean, some of the best orgasms I've had were with the most unstable partners.

Until you.

Aw.

Seriously, I've had way better sex with guys that I've hate-banged.

What about you?

Oh, well, you know me.

The more unattached, the more uninhibited.

Oh.

Right?

Get me off twice then call me an Uber.

Get me off three times and you can call me anything.

[laughter]

Something's vibrating.

Yes, and it is not what you left in my call room bunk bed last weekend.

This is Dr. Horowitz. I was paged.

Okay, um, can I make, like, a "Me, Myself, and O" confession?

Mm.

Max is the first man that's ever made me orgasm from sex.

Both: Ooh.

Yes, I mean, as a doctor, he really understands the depths of our complex female anatomy.

Like lesbian sex?

Yes, but with much less talking.

Okay, can I make a confession?

Oh, yes.

Every time I go to...

b*at around your bush?

That.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

I think about Thad and then I remember that he's dead, and I feel like I...

A necrophiliac.

No!

No, I... I lose my...

Lady boner!

Yes.

I have to get back to the hospital and extract a LEGO sheriff from someone's rectum.

Ooh.

Yes.

Okay, but you better text us if that's someone famous.

Absolutely.

Great.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

People are really into butt stuff these days.

♪ ♪

So who exactly was that in there?

Was that 26-year-old Liza or 40-year-old Liza?

Definitely the 26 year old.

Good. Had me worried for a minute.

Yeah, the 40 year old has a very limited resume.

Oh, yeah?

How limited are we talking about here?

I lost my v-card freshman year to my TA, then I met David, and now you.

Wait.

You only slept with three dudes, right?

That's what you're saying? Like, three?

One less than four?

That's the three we're talking about here?

Yeah, I got married right out of college.

I guess I didn't have those years of sex-ploration.

[sighs]

Until now.

All right.

Yeah. Mm.

And that... that doesn't bother you at all?

Like, you don't feel like you need to make up for lost time or anything?

Well, what do you think I'm doing now?

Babe, that's a lot of responsibility for one person.

Well, you know what they say: third time's a charm.

Hey, wait. What's your number?

What?

♪ ♪

Uh... it's, like, you know, like, a multiple of three.

♪ ♪

It's, like...

What, like six?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Oh, hey ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey.

"The Kosher Butcher's Daughter"?

Are you sleeping with her too?

[laughs]

No, I'm making Friday night dinner for Malkie and her friends.

It's sort of a Shabbat/apology for polluting the mikveh.

Yeah, we definitely should not have crashed an Orthodox woman's bath.

That's why the brisket needs to be really, really good.

Hey, how many sexual partners have you had?

At the same time?

Never mind.

[jazzy music]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, hey. Good morning.

Good news.

I just got word that Gwyneth is in for tonight.

[gasps] That's great.

She's gonna "goop" it and everything.

Oh.

"Who Is Aubrey Alexis?"

The question everyone is asking.

"Is she an MFA student at the New School?

"A Midwestern housewife who hides her vibrator in a Lord & Taylor bag?"

Well, tonight she's going to be Gwyneth Paltrow.

She's reading for Aubrey?

That's wonderful.

Radha is going to be thrilled.

Don't we all love just love to thrill Radha.

♪ ♪

Do you think I made too much food?

Are you kidding?

These are Jewish women.

They would eat Lebanon if it would just separate from the continent.

Hello, hello.

Hey!

Wow.

[all speaking at once]

Hi. Oh, my God.

Hi. How are you?

Talia, Estie, this is my Maggie, and you've already met Sarah.

Welcome. Shabbat Shalom.

Both: Shabbat Shalom.

Here we have sweet potato latkes and lox crostini to start.

Wow. Usually someone has to die to get food this nice.

[laughter]

Oh, and here. Israeli wine.

Uh, I shouldn't.

All right. Just a teeny tiny drop.

Okay.

It's fine, right?

Totally.

Yeah, more than that.

Yep.

So how do you all know each other?

Well, Sarah was formerly engaged to my brother.

And I milked Talia's honey in the Bedouin Tents on Birthright.

You could've just said that we dated.

I could have.

But now I'm married to Deb, who couldn't make it.

But you're gonna meet her.

Maggie, you made all this?

We all cheat and go to Zabar's.

Some of us even go to Trader Joe's.

That was during a fricking hurricane, Sarah.

Do you know how many times I wanted to be Amy Irving in "Crossing Delancey"?

Oh, I love that movie.

Except for the pickle man. Reminds me of my ex.

'Cause she could only climax from a pickle claw.

Ah, well, the true test of a sustainable relationship is "does it give me carpal tunnel?"

[laughs] That is a good one.

That's really good.

♪ ♪

Why does each writer's nametag feature a dirty phrase?

It's their literary erotic claim to fame.

Oh. A hummer.

[laughs] Silver balling.

You'll understand when you're older.

♪ ♪

Mm-hmm. There's Daphne Merkin.

Ooh, and Eve Ensler.

It's a very impressive group.

I agree.

What's Liza doing here?

Aubrey Alexis is her author.

Ooh.

Well, you must tell me who Aubrey really is.

Or at least a subtle hint in her direction.

If only I could.

[laughs]

Pam Pam!

Now "Gawker" is claiming Lena Dunham is Aubrey Alexis.

We've already seen her slippery oyster on HBO GO.

Don't they know the woman has nothing left to hide?

Edward, what are you doing here?

I'm not gonna miss the inaugural public reading of my book.

Oh, you mean Aubrey's book.

Well, of course I do, but that doesn't mean I'll tolerate others stealing my thunder.

Ooh, Toni Morrison.

Toni! [laughs]

Excuse me. Hey, girl!

[laughing]

Excuse me for one second.

Oh, okay.

Did you know he was coming?

No, I had no idea.

Will this be a problem?

No, I don't think so.

Everyone's attention will be on Gwyneth.

What are you two whispering about?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing.

Can I get a quote on tonight's event, Ms. Peters?

Sorry. Have we met?

Colin McNichol.

I did a piece on "The New Yorker"'s Page-Turner blog about what makes a book millennial.

Right.

You said my imprint had yet to prove itself.

No, I said you had the potential to be a notable influencer.

Well, then I will potentially consider thanking you.

What's your next piece on, Colin?

It's a "Talk of the Town."

My first in the print magazine, actually.

That's a big step.

It is.

You could make it even bigger if you unveiled the identity of Aubrey Alexis.

[chuckles]

Points for being so direct, but I'm sworn to secrecy.

You don't mind direct questions?

I prefer them.

What about secrets?

It depends on what kind.

Well, this club is brimming with them.

If you'd like, I could show you one of my favorites.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

That was the juiciest brisket I have ever eaten.

Mm-hmm.

Except for that one time in Tulum.

Please don't.

I'll email you the recipe. [laughs]

We should host every Sapphic Shabbat here.

[all gasp]

Right?

Let's make a toast to our Sabbath queen.

Yes.

All: Maggie!

[all cheering]

Oh, Maggie, you should to come to our self-renewal retreat at Kripalu.

Yes!

What are you doing for the High Holidays?

We have the most amazing Cantor.

[whispering] She's family.

Oh, and you have to sit with us at the Rainbow Jews Gala.

And don't... don't forget my baby-naming party!

Oh, you can name the baby.

Are you okay?

Where are you going?

Uh, yeah, yeah. I just... too much Kosher wine.

Excuse me.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Mm.

Hold on! I'm just...

I feel like this little guy's doing just donkey kicks... ugh...

On my bladder.

[sighs] Oh, wow.

This bathroom is just as funky as the rest of your apartment.

I like your vibe, Maggie.

Isn't it great?

Hey, did you make that one, babe?

Oh, is that you?

Uh, no, no.

I got that one at a flea market in Greece.

When did you go to Greece?

Why don't I tell you in the kitchen.

I'm gonna go pour some more wine.

Any... anyone?

Yes!

Kidding.

♪ ♪

Where are you taking me?

You'll see.

[chuckles]

♪ I saw the sun opened up ♪

[elevator bell dings]

Here we are.

What is this place?

This is where they house all their secret archival treasures.

[laughs]

And how do you have a key?

I'm doing research for a piece.

Oh.

This is the last love letter that Keats wrote to Fanny Brawne before he d*ed at the age of 25.

Wow.

"How I applied this to you, my dear;

"how I palpated it...

"how the certainty that you were in the same world with myself, and though as beautiful, not so talismanic."

"Not so talismanic"?

He's saying she had magical powers that turned men melancholy.

Oh.

Sounds like me.

Oh.

Well, I think you turn men far from melancholic.

[phone buzzing]

♪ ♪

Oh, no. Oh, God.

I... I got to go.

Come and find me later.

♪ ♪

Gwyneth had a what?

A vag*na-steaming incident.

No, I heard you. I just wish I could un-hear it.

Why would she steam it?

The vag*na is already self-cleaning.

Is it too late to find a substitute?

I'm already on it.

No, no, no, no!

Enough with everyone claiming credit.

I want to read it.

I want to come out as the real Aubrey Alexis once and for all.

Edward...

Don't try and talk me out of this, Charles.

[gasps]

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Wait, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward.

I understand your frustration.

I really do.

It's... it's difficult to keep a secret.

Especially when you pretend to be someone else in order to be taken seriously in your profession.

But your book...

Your book has helped so many young women unlock their desire and discover their bodies and enact their sexual freedom.

And what's more important?

Exposing the truth or allowing your readers to enjoy the collective fantasy that Aubrey Alexis is the voice of women everywhere?

Then you should read it, Princess Pam Pam.

Wait, what?

I want you to read for Aubrey Alexis.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I... I can't.

I... I'm not good at... I don't public speaking.

Either Pam Pam reads or I will.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Now we will end with our newest author.

Though we can't say who she is, "Me, Myself, and O" has awakened a new generation of young women.

Please welcome Gwyneth Pal...

Nope, Liza Miller, reading for the enigmatic sensation, Aubrey Alexis.

[applause]

[electronic feedback]

[quirky music]

"I lay on the bed quivering, my hands lingering over my panties. I could feel my woman pulse throbbing through the lace. And as I slid my fingers inside... towards the place no man could ever fully penetrate, I felt my flower begin to blossom"...

Both: "To release."

"To burst open. To explode."

I am Aubrey Alexis!

I am Aubrey Alexis!

Yes!

I am Aubrey Alexis!

[laughing]

I am Aubrey Alexis!

No.

I am Aubrey Alexis.

I am Aubrey Alexis!

All: I am Aubrey Alexis.

No!

All: I am Aubrey Alexis!

No!

All: I am Aubrey Alexis!

I am Aubrey Alexis!

♪ ♪

My friends loved you.

Yeah, and I... I really liked them.

But, um... you know, I just don't think I can do this.

Do what?

This. Us.

Them. I... I don't understand.

You know, Malkie, I realized tonight that I don't know if I'm ready for, like, a real relationship and all it comes with.

The new food, the new friends.

I mean, they booked up my weekends for, like, the next three years.

I know they can be a lot.

No, that's the thing. It's not them.

It's just that I don't fly in a lesbian flock.

I'm more of a lone owl.

Well, I... I wouldn't want you to pretend to be someone you're not.

[sighs]

So what now?

Well, we always have our tomato patch.

Come here.

Was it the bathroom?

That didn't help.

[chuckles]

Got to be honest.

[upbeat music]

Liza, thank you for stepping in and being so game tonight.

If it means keeping L.L. Moore in the Empirical family, it was worth it.

We, uh, we are a family.

A dysfunctional one sometimes, but...

All the best families are.

Oh, you two again.

Hope you don't mind that I'm taking him home.

What? Me?

No, no, he's yours to take.

It was, uh, it was good to see you again.

Always a pleasure.

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

Hey. Who you looking for?

Well, I met someone tonight.

This cute "New Yorker" writer.

They make those?

I know.

Like, a rare breed.

I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me, but then he never asked me for my number.

Hm.

[sighs]

I'm already sick of being single.

It gets better.

That's what they say to kids who are severely bullied.

♪ ♪

Come on.

♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Imagine my surprise when I opened my "New Yorker" this morning... A ritual I enjoy every Monday...

And I saw your name.

Me?

Your self-obsessed millennial antics are splashed all over my "Talk of the Town."

Oh, my God. Here it is.

"I am Aubrey Alexis."

"In a climactic moment, Kelsey Peters, the talismanic beauty who runs Empirical's Millennial Press, led the 'I'm Spartacu" rallying cry."

Talismanic beauty.

Is this the cute "New Yorker" writer?

Yeah.

Ooh!

And he's flirting with you in "The New Yorker"?

Who needs texting when you have "Talk of the Town"?

Scroll down. I want this guy's email.

Uh-huh.

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[computer dings]

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Hey.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

♪ ♪

Oh, no. Not you too.

What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I read it.

[laughs]

It's good.

It's so dirty, but...

I... I liked it.

Made me really think about you.

It did?

Yeah.

This woman, she had to explore the world and bang a bunch of dudes to finally find her perfect O.

See, I read it that she had it all along.

She didn't need to go anywhere.

No, she did.

She did.

I mean, she learned orgasmic meditation from Raul, and circular breathing from Karim, and...

Wow, you really studied that book.

Yeah. [laughs]

I don't know. I think experience is important.

You know?

I wouldn't want you to regret jumping into this relationship too soon after your marriage.

I could never regret you.

Maybe you haven't experienced enough to know that.

Which is why...

I got you this.

♪ ♪

A present?

Yes.

Just open it.

♪ ♪

"Free pass for number four."

You want me to sleep with someone else?

No. No.

I want you to have the chance to explore, you know.

But it's good for one night only, and I never want to hear about it.

Ever.

Ever, ever.

Well, I don't plan on cashing this in anytime soon.

Great.

Unless...

Oh. Yes?

I pretend you're somebody else tonight.

And who exactly would I be?

Oh, let's pretend that you're really the 40 year old and I'm really the 26 year old.

Like, so some kind of, like, older man fantasy?

Oh, no. Just a little age reversal.

Yeah, I think I can roll with this.

[laughs]

I mean, I learned from the master, so...

♪ Soon we'll be on the way ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪