02x02 - Memorial Day

[bunniefuu]

Ever consider law?

Not really.

He should.

He's got the mind for it. He's very argumentative.

I am not.

I rest my case.

(door closes)

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Mom.

I had an early call with a client.

Hi, sweetie. So how's the new job, Sam?

Great, great, deeply fulfilling, like a prostate exam.

So poetic.

Well, what do you want me to say?

It's the IRS, not Greenpeace.

Should we get started?

Okay, folks, we're in the home stretch.

I filed the dissolution of marriage petition.

I'm just waiting to hear back about a court date.

And since you're both waving rights to spousal support, and aren't contesting the division of assets, I expect things to proceed smoothly.

What about the money from the sale of the house?

Oh, it's all held in escrow until the divorce is finalized.

Any other questions?

Yeah, should we talk about child custody?

What?

Well, because Sam and I were thinking we would do every other week, and alternate holidays would work best.

Mom, I'm 21 years old.

Honey, the grownups are talking.

Okay, I gotta go.

Honey? Just a second.

Your mom and I wanna talk to you about something.

Well, sweetie, you know, now that your dad and I both have good jobs...

Well, jobs.

...and we actually came out ahead on the house sale, Thanks to your mom's great work as listing agent.

So we were thinking we can afford to help you out with school, if you'd like to re-enroll at NYU in the fall.

And maybe you, uh... you give dorm living a try, huh?

Seriously?

That's amazing.

(chuckles)

Oh!

Come here, come here. Go on, get out of here.

You don't wanna be late your first day back.

Bye.

Okay, it is so nice to see him smile.

He has been in such a funk lately.

I don't know why he hates that community college.

It's a lovely campus.

That's not why he's been so down.

No?

No. No.

He misses his girlfriend.

So how are you doing?

Oh, I'm... I'm good.

Busy. You?

Better.

Hmm.

Not still eating frozen dinners, I hope?

You'll be happy to know that I prepared myself a salad the other night.

Oh, look at you. (chuckles)

Although the apartment gets a little lonely sometimes.

Yeah.

I've made some friends.

Hmm.

One guy, you'd love.

He's my supervisor at work.

Terry. He's a black fella. He's terrific.

You know, you don't have to mention he's black.

But he is.

Yeah, but it's not really relevant is my point, and it could be misconstrued as a little bit, you know...

What?

r*cist.

Terry's not r*cist.

(sighs)

Well, I'll be glad when this is all over.

It'll be nice to get out of our caves and just get on with our lives.

Yeah.

♪ ♪ (rock)

♪ Oh, Caroline ♪
♪ You got to get away ♪
♪ Oh, Caroline ♪

(speaks Japanese)

Huh?

It's good morning in Japanese.

Since when do you know Japanese?

Since I started teaching myself.

I figure they're gonna buy Red Oaks one day.

I mean, they already own half of Manhattan, and they're crazy about golf, also mayonnaise.

Shouldn't you be spending your time learning how to mix cocktails?

Working on that, too.

Another letter from Paris?

Yeah.

Any word yet on when she's getting back?

Next week sometime.

She says she has some stuff she needs to wrap up before she comes home.

(seat belt alarm dinging)

Wow. If it was me, I'd have chosen Paris over here.

No offense, you know, I'd miss you and all, but c'est la vie, David.

(sighs)

(engine starts)

♪ ♪ ("Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson)

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la my lady ♪
♪ In the sun with your hair undone ♪
♪ Can you hear me now calling your name ♪
♪ From across the bay? ♪
♪♪ (stops)

(engine stops)

Dude, you ever had sex on a beach?

Technically, no. But one time back in high school, me and Karen snuck into the athletic field at night and did it in the long jump pit.

Didn't she get sand in her, you know, uh, hoo-ha?

She was on top.

(door opens)

What?

You never told me how it went with Misty last night.

You guys have the talk?

Nah.

Well, what happened?

Same thing that always does.

We hung out. It was awesome.

Felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, except for the not having sex part.

And the second I try to steer the conversation to "what the f*ck is going on with us," she got all evasive and suddenly realized she had to study, and then split.

Dude, you can't let it go on like this.

I know. What's so frustrating is I really felt like I was making progress.

Like that time we were both baked and she let me feel her boobs before we passed out?

So confusing.

I know you're sick of me saying this, but you need to confront her.

You can't keep letting her dodge the subject.

(exhales)

You're right.

I'm gonna do it.

Tonight.

Okay.

Yo, Wheeler!

What's this I hear about you not working valet anymore?

Yeah! You too good for us or something?

Gentlemen, you are looking at the new Red Oaks Grille's bartender.

You better hook us up with some free booze.

Yeah, like I'd risk my job stealing alcohol for you two joysticks.

Hey, we're not joysticks.

As I live and breathe.

Boychick, look at you. Come here and give me a man hug, will you?

Come on, put some pelvis into it, huh?

Okay.

You've been working out.

How was Boca?

I didn't end up making it out to Boca, actually.

No?

Nah.

There was just too much going on around here...

(sighs) ...between Father's prostate and, um, my divorce.

What? Holy sh*t.

Nash, what happened?

Who's to say?

Perhaps we got married too young.

We'd been drifting apart for a while.

Also she gave me gonorrhea. So there's that.

But I'm okay. I'm over it... after months of therapy and an aggressive regimen of antibiotics.

I'm really sorry, man.

Oh, don't be. It's fine.

I'm fine.

No, I'm better than fine.

Besides, what better balm for a broken heart than to get back out there and start sewing your wild oats, and planting some rows of corn and potatoes besides?

If you catch my drift.

Ah! I just had the most marvelous idea.

What?

You, me, tonight, kickoff kegger.

I wasn't really planning on going this year.

You don't have to plan a thing. I'll take care of it all.

I'll pick you up and provide the snacks and the blue curacao.

All you have to do is wear a clean shirt.

This is going to be fantastic.

We'll be each other's wingmen.

I can't, Nash.

Why not?

'Cause I'm not really in the mood, and I'm seeing someone.

Who?

Skye.

Getty's daughter? But I thought she was in France.

She is, but she's coming back.

That settles it. You're coming with me tonight.

I won't have you moping about like some fish wife pining for her sailor to return from the seas.

We're going to have fun tonight, god damn it.

And you are going to get me laid.

Okay, yeah.

♪♪

Hey, kid, don't give yourself a hernia.

All right.

Let's try this again, Herb.

Here we go.

All right? One Manhattan coming up.

Looks good.

The, uh...

sh*t!

(chuckles)

Oh, here you go.

We'll give it a taste.

How is it?

Too sweet.

Still?

It's a Manhattan, not a Shirley Temple.

It should taste like getting mugged at gunpoint.

Just... I'll try again. Just let me run these out to the pool.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

(glass clinking)

Okay.

(crowd chattering)

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good.

How about you? How you been?

I heard something about you going to school like, uh, to clean teeth.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's been going good.

Yeah, no sh*t. That's wild, Yeah. How's the band?

We broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Wow.

No, those guys were ass-wipes. They were holding me back.

No, no, no, I've been focusing more on my solo stuff.

Okay.

I'll bring you a demo tape.

I think you'd really dig it.

Like, it's more acoustic.

Like, ballads and sh*t.

(chuckles)

Exploring your sensitive side.

Exactly.

Hey, Misty.

Hi.

Steve.

What do you want, lug nuts?

Uh, to talk to Misty?

I gotta get back to work.

Bye.

f*ck you.

(clears throat)

Listen, there's something I really need to talk to you about.

Okay.

So...

I feel like we've been avoiding... - (whistle blows)

Walk! Sorry. Go ahead.

Um, like I was saying, I'm just a little confused because...

(splash)

(whistle blows)

No diving! Wheeler, can we talk later?

How about tonight?

I got class.

f*ck.

Can you skip?

I have a test.

Okay.

You better deliver those before they melt.

Yeah, okay.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

It's been a long time.

I know.

How's community college?

Shitty.

But, uh, good news is I'm going back to NYU starting the fall.

That's great.

How's modeling?

Good. Yeah. Barry got me a Sears circular.

Oh, cool.

How is Barry?

Hilarious, as always. (chuckles)

Um, yeah, that's actually the reason I stopped by.

I wanted to tell you before you heard it from anyone else.

Tell me what?

Um...

Barry and I are, well...

Wow.

That's fast.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy, I know, but I can't really believe it, either.

It's not like we're kids, though.

Barry's 30, and I'm almost done with my RN, so...

Yeah.

Well, congratulations.

Thanks.

Do you guys have a date and stuff?

August 23rd.

That'll be here before you know it.

Yeah, still like a zillion things I have to do.

You have no idea how many decisions are involved in planning a wedding, even a small one in my parents' backyard.

Yeah.

I'm happy for you. It's what you always wanted.

I have a class, so I'm gonna get going.

(footsteps departing)

Another Coke.

Thanks.

No problem.

SATs?

I'm re-taking them next Saturday.

My dad says if I don't bring my scores up, he's sending me to m*llitary school.

That sucks. What did you get the last time?

940. I'm pretty stupid.

Nah, man. Standardized tests have nothing to do with intelligence.

They're a racket.

They exist for the sole purpose of selling No. 2 pencils.

b*ating the SATs is like b*ating the house in Blackjack.

You play the percentages, count cards.

b*at 'em at their own game.

How?

Okay, for instance...

Everyone works their way through the sections of the test in sequence like good like lemmings.

But why? Nothing in the rules say you have to do reading comprehension before similes.

In fact, you shouldn't, 'cause it takes three times as long, yet it's worth the same points.

So it makes more sense to skip over reading comprehension and only come back to it later if you have time left.

You're pretty smart. What did you get on your SATs?

1580.

That's, like, almost a perfect score.

Why didn't you go to college?

I did for a year.

Dropped out. It wasn't my scene.

That whole Ivory Tower thing is kind of bogus, you know?

What?

You know, we kind of look alike.

Do we?

It's close enough.

For what?

For you to pretend to be me and take the SATs in my place.

Okay, why would I do that?

Because I'll pay you a hundred bucks.

(scoffs)

Two hundred.

Cash.

(sighs)

Please, Wheeler, I can't go to m*llitary school.

Did you see "Taps"? Those guys are psycho.

Okay. I'll do it. f*ck.

Okay, over here, Rambo. Say fromage.

Yeah, no expression whatsoever. Good choice.

Okay, little sis, step on up.

Hey! Out of my sh*t, special ed.

Hey, you need to be nice. They're just kids.

They drew first blood, not me.

Guess now's not a good time to tell you I'm pregnant.

You're preggers?

I'm kidding.

It's not really a bad time to talk about how many rug rats we're gonna have.

I used to think six, but after today, I'm not so sure.

Hey, how about we just enjoy being the two of us for a little while?

Yeah, right.

Oh, that reminds me.

Did you ask your sister about taking Gracie?

Yeah, no dice.

Kid's afraid of cats.

sh**t.

Do you think maybe we can just keep her in the garage?

Sorry, babe. Can't have her anywhere in the vicinity.

Tongue swells up. I have trouble breathing.

Look, once we get married, p*ssy's gotta go.

Little pepper?

Little bit. Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Getty, Mrs. Getty.

Hi.

David.

By the way, if you need me to pick up Skye from the airport next week, I'm happy to do it.

We got it covered.

Okay, cool.

Well, I'll see you later.

So much for her little fling with him being over by the summer.

Don't worry. Eat your lunch.

♪ ♪ (rock)

Now, this is what I call a target-rich environment.

Now's your chance.

For what?

To be my wingman.

What is this thing "wingman" you keep talking about?

You've seen "Top g*n," right?

No, not yet.

You must. Siskel and Ebert were divided on it, of course, but I found it to be quite a profound meditation on the subject of male friendship.

Tom Skerritt is electric as always.

You gonna tell me what a wingman does?

All you have to do is fly over there.

I'll watch your tail.

And trap me up to those young bogeys.

Wait here.

Godspeed.

This party blows.

Hey.

My friend over there was wondering if you wanted to party with him.

Which one?

The one with the beard.

He's been going through a kind of a tough time lately, but he's a great guy and a lot of fun.

Does he have any weed?

Probably.

Okay, whatever.

Awesome.

Do you... Do you have any weed?

Marijuana? Yes, I could definitely procure something of that sort for you if you'd like.

Hand me one of those?

Surprise.

When did you...

Two hours ago.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming home early?

I wanted to see the look on your face.

It was totally worth it. You should have seen yourself.

Do you wanna get out of here?

Yeah.

Tonight, instead of practicing on each other, you're gonna get the chance to clean the teeth of real life volunteers.

Recruited from the community.

So let's be professional, courteous, and above all, gentle, so our volunteers can have a pleasant experience.

All right.

(chuckles) Right this way.

What are you doing here?

There you go.

We need to talk.

Can't it wait?

No.

Tonight's worth like 40% of my grade.

Is there a problem here?

No, I... No problem, Doctor, just...

Okay. Let's not leave our patients waiting.

Wheeler, I swear to God.

Sometimes I just don't know about you.

That's why I'm here.

I need to know how you feel.

Rinse.

Spit.

How I feel about what?

Me.

What? Are you high?

No. But I'd take some nitrous if you got any.

Open.

(sighs)

Ahh.

Cripes, Wheeler, how much coffee do you drink?

Ooh! Ooh! Sorry!

I can't take it anymore.

Did I hurt you?

Not that.

Us.

What do you mean?

I can't take not knowing what's going on between us, Misty.

I mean, we hang out all the time.

You're over so my house so much, my nana thinks you're her niece.

Huh?

We've slept in the same bed together.

I've seen you pee.

You... Shh!

You let me feel you up.

One time.

And it was awesome.

You were high.

Don't you feel anything for me?

Wheeler, you know I love you.

You're my best friend.

But I gotta look out for myself, you know?

I can't build a future with a guy who's happy just tending bar and selling weed.

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪ (rock)

You should have brought your dad's Mercedes.

Does this seat go back any farther?

No.

After this, your dorm is gonna seem palatial.

God, your hard.

That's the gearshift.

Oh.

You wanna... Yeah?

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is that?

French women don't shave their armpits.

Wow. You really have gone native.

Don't make fun.

Just to warn you, I'm a little out of practice.

Not me.

What? Who have you been practicing with?

Myself.

Oh, well, in that case, I'm an expert.

(laughing)

Your cardiologist know you're eating like that, Herb?

He d*ed... jogging.

Putz.

All right. Well, listen, I wanna welcome everybody back to the beginning of our summer season, our first board meeting, and I want to extend a special welcome to Rebecca Horowitz, who will be serving out her late husband Dan's term on the board.

Dan was one in a million. He had a great sense of humor and a lousy serve, which I'll miss 'em both.

All right, why don't we get down to business?

I'm sure you all notice the improvements we had done over the winter at the main entrance.

And next up, we should be looking ahead to the shuffleboard courts.

We have repairs needed there.

The estimates are coming in a little high.

Excuse me, Doug?

Yeah.

Before we go any further, I believe there is a pressing matter we need to discuss.

Okay.

The board feels that, due to your legal troubles, and the negative publicity surrounding your upcoming criminal trial, it would be best if you stepped down as president.

(chuckles) Are you kidding?

Is this some kind of joke? No!

Pardon me?

I'm not stepping down.

I helped build this place.

I have been here since day one.

My daughter was bat mitzvahed here, for God's sake.

Well, then I'm afraid you leave us no choice but to hold a recall election, open to vote by the general membership.

Okay, okay.

Good luck finding somebody to run against me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Myers.

I'm afraid we don't have space for you in our film program.

But I applied and was accepted to the program last year.

And when you dropped out, I'm afraid we offered your slot to another student.

I wasn't dropping out. I was taking a break, you know, a leave of absence.

As you know, the film program is very competitive.

Well, isn't there anything you could do?

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪ ("Films" by Gary Numan)

Hey...

What's wrong?

♪ I don't like the film ♪
♪ I don't like the film ♪
♪ Play it all back ♪
♪ Play it all back ♪
♪ And I don't like the scenery ♪
♪ And I don't like the set ♪
♪ So put it all down ♪
♪ Put it all down ♪
♪ But I like the actors ♪
♪ And I like the ♪
♪ We're so exposed ♪
♪ We're so exposed ♪
♪ Anything can happen ♪
♪ Anything can happen ♪