Robert: So... you do... mostly divorces?
You know what Robert? Basically... it's all law.
Realtor: It's all yours.
Frances: It's exciting and terrifying.
Anything can work.
Here's hoping.
(LAUGHTER)
Frances: Can you just give me a sense of how much this is gonna cost?
That depends on your definition of cost, right?
So, this is going to be quite costly.
Robert: This is my life, man.
I gotta step my game up into high gear starting right now.
Jerry, you are officially fired.
Hello!
Hello, Frances. This is Robert's new lawyer.
I'm Tony Silvercreek.
(GASPING)
Oh, yeah. No, it's bad.
Let's get this party started.
(music playing)
Go!
(squeals)
I didn't even know you could get 170 on a history test.
That's amazing.
(chuckles)
What is going on with that wreath?
Where'd you guys get that, at a gas station?
They were selling wreaths and Christmas trees at the Target.
Well, let me tell you something, man. That is a substandard wreath.
I'm making my own. I've already picked out the holly stocks.
I'm drying the orange slices.
Telling you right now, it's gonna be like a botanical centrifuge.
Gonna be awesome. All right, throw me one.
(door opens)
Thank you.
Love you, Dad!
Love you. See you, buddy.
Bye, Dad!
Good times were had by all parties.
Hey, Robert, can you come in for a minute?
In? "In the house" in?
Yeah.
Sure, I'll come in.
Okay, look.
So... all right, so I'm gonna have the kids back home by the 28th.
And then if this works for you, you have them all the way through New Year's...
Wait, wait. What about Christmas?
Well, I'm driving the kids to my parents.
But it's Christmas.
Yes, it is.
Well, everybody's supposed to be together at Christmas.
I mean, that's what Christmas is all about.
It's not about working out our schedules.
It's about the kids and your folks and maybe a little bit about jolly Saint Nick over here.
Oh, come on, Robert. You went fishing last year for Christmas.
The worst mistake I've made in quite a long time.
It... it's a bittersweet memory catching that record-breaking coho.
Look, whenever all of this started, you and I agreed that we would both try to keep it as normal as possible for the kids.
That is not a normal plan.
It's better this way. It really is.
And I already told the kids that you are going on your fishing trip.
Well, just "untell" them. How difficult is that?
And also...
I haven't told my parents yet.
You've gotta be sh1tting me.
I haven't had time!
Jesus, Frances!
Oh, I called my parents an hour after you told me that you were jacking off that French guy.
Oh, God, I beg you, stop saying that.
He's not a Frenchman.
And if you must know, there was very little in the way...
That's great news.
Listen, can we just put our differences on the backburner for a few days and enjoy Christmas the way we always have?
If not for our sake, for the kids.
Is this some sort of trick?
Is this your buddy Silvercreek trying to, uh, att*ck from inside enemy lines?
No. I mean, he is my buddy.
But no.
Hey, come on.
Would I f*ck around with Christmas?
Ah, there's a Volkswagen. Look.
Pun... hey, Punch Buggy. Hey, guys.
The captain declares Punch Buggy.
No?
I used to thump the sh*t out of my sister playing Punch Buggy.
Listen, we need to figure out how we're gonna deal with my parents not knowing yet, especially in relation to...
...those guys.
Right, okay.
I think I got this handled. I got this one.
I got it.
Okay.
Hey. Hey, guys.
Headphones off. Headphones off.
Listen up.
Your mother has something she wants to talk to you about.
Uh, look.
We haven't told Grandma and Grandpa about the situation... you know, between me and your father.
But we're not gonna lie, because that's not, you know... that's not the right way to handle difficult situations.
Yes, nobody lies in this family.
The point is I do wanna be sensitive about this because you know how Grandma and Grandpa are.
They're...
Old.
Older.
And older people are...
On shitloads of medication.
What are we talking about?
Just don't say anything till I say something, okay?
Yeah, sure.
Can I go back to watching "John Wick"?
Sure.
Mind if I ask how come you haven't spoken to your parents about this?
Because I wanna do it in person. I wanna tell them face-to-face.
And I will do it on this trip.
Right.
Just let me handle it, okay?
Yep.
Woman: So, I just said, "Let's agree to disagree."
But that's enough about me.
Tell me what's going on in the DuFresne family.
(music playing)
Oh, you know, it's... it's just all the usual stuff.
Oh, she's out. I should put her to bed.
And I'm not far behind myself.
Come on. You, too.
Good night, kids. I love you.
Good night, dear.
Night, Dad.
Lila: Good night.
Ah, always good to see you, Donald.
Likewise, Robert.
Can I interest you in a spot of medicine?
Absolutely. Just what the doctor ordered, Don King.
I always hate to see a man cancel a fishing trip, but it's great to have you here this Christmas.
We missed you last year.
Thank you.
Here's to families together at the holidays.
And far apart the rest of the year.
Bridget: I swear...
(knocking on door)
You decent?
You knocked and opened the door a second later.
What could I possibly do in that time if I wasn't?
A coy face and boob cover.
You're not funny.
Your dad would disagree.
He thinks I'm an effing card.
Well, the hardest I've ever seen him laugh is at the Budweiser frog, so...
(grunts)
Mm, no. No, not happening.
What? Where am I gonna sleep?
You can sleep on the floor.
f*ck that.
I have a bad back and you know it.
Plus, we've slept next to each other 10,000 times without having sex.
We can live with two more nights.
Okay, fine.
Keep your underpants on.
(scoffs) Keep your underpants on.
So, how'd your parents take the divorce news?
You know I didn't tell them yet and you know I will, so let's just leave it at that.
It's still kind of freaky that this is the room you grew up in.
Mm.
I spent so many years laying in this bed... staring at the ceiling, wondering what my grown-up life would be.
And here I am.
I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
I totally agree.
This is going to be a wonderful Christmas.
Like something out of Dickens.
Do you remember when Lila said that thing about Hanukkah?
Oh, that she... (chuckles) she wanted to be Jewish so she could celebrate "Jew Christmas" for eight nights in a row.
Oh, God, that was awful.
It is kind of funny, though, "Jew Christmas."
They're great kids.
Yeah.
At least we did two things right.
Well, I'm gonna hit it.
I just wanna say that I've always tried to do the best for our family.
But no matter how hard you try... mistakes get made.
What are you talking about?
Just that mistakes get made.
Sweet dreams.
You, too.
(bell tolling)
(chatter)
And now, look not on our sins, but on the faith of your church and grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom where you live forever and ever.
Amen.
All: Amen.
The peace of the Lord be with you always.
All: And peace be with you.
And with you.
Let us offer each other the sign of peace.
I don't like touching everybody.
No, no, this is the best part.
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you, Grandma.
Peace be with you, my grandson.
Pleased to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Man: Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
Pleased to meet all of you.
Aw!
Merry Christmas.
Pleased to meet you.
Peace be with you.
Pleased to meet you. Nice to see you.
Man #2: And you.
Pastor: And now let us sing "Come Thou Long Expected Jesus," on page 15 of our hymnal.
(organ playing)
♪ Come thou ♪
♪ Long expected Jesus ♪
Robert: ♪ Expected Jesus ♪
♪ Born to set thy people free... ♪
(music playing)
Thank you for coming, Carolyn.
Thank you for having us.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Here's to, uh, family.
Uh, um...
(stammering) To family... to all the families.
The house looks nice, Dad.
Thank you. We just redid the foyer.
It's very spacious.
Mm-hmm.
I guess this is the "second wife-sized" house.
Carolyn.
It was a joke, Nick.
Carolyn, who was the contractor that you and Nick used on your old place?
I don't recall. Why?
Oh, just because we're thinking about adding an indoor swimming pool to the side of the house for Nick's recuperation.
News to me.
Or a big sunroom off the back.
Why not both?
Good idea.
Stop it.
Just burn through the kids' inheritance in one fell swoop.
Mom!
Easy.
You know what? Why don't we just jump straight to dessert and call it a f*cking night, huh?
(music playing)
You better pace yourself. The party hasn't started.
Why don't you pace yourself?
What does that even mean?
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, Frances.
Ugh, you're already drunk.
Well, who could blame me?
The tension is k*lling me.
What tension?
I happen to... I happen to f*cking love your parents, okay?
And you're forcing me to live this lie.
Who wants to try my homemade hummus?
I would love to.
Mm. Muy delicioso.
You're forcing me to live this lie because you won't tell them the truth about our situation.
It's Christmas Eve, Robert.
Do you really think that now is the right time?
I knew it. Just trying to run out the clock.
I don't know what that means.
It means that I know you're not gonna tell them.
Ever. At all. Classic Frances.
Well, you're wrong. So, you know, classic Robert.
I'll tell them.
And it's, "Peace be with you," not, "Pleased to meet you."
Really?
Frances: Hi, Daddy.
Donald: Hi, honey.
That makes sense.
Another sh*t of medicine there, Doctor?
You're a mind reader, Robert.
(chatter)
Aw, thank you!
You know, you gotta spend money to make money.
That's, uh... to me, that's rule number one in business.
Rule number two... repeat rule number one until you get rich.
Right?
Woman: Frances!
How are things?
Um, it's, uh, same old, same old, you know?
We're... we're doing great.
Man on TV: Well, if having babies makes you look like this, we better keep on having them.
How do you like it?
Woman on TV: Oh, Roger, I adore it.
Not to be a... a stick in the mud, but, uh, I certainly hope there's no funny business going on under that blanket.
Mom!
Roger: We now belong to that class of society known as the filthy rich.
Julie: Roger, the inheritance!
(zipper zips)
Oh, yeah, it's same old, same old, but we're doing great.
Robert's business, Tom's computer.
Lila got a ribbon... I'm sorry Odelle.
(glass clinking)
I just have to talk to my...
Robert: I'd like to say a few words to everyone here.
(music and chatter stop)
Please. Hear ye, hear ye!
Everyone, let's raise a glass.
What are you doing?
Some people say that Christmas has become too commercialized.
That it's become nothing more than an opportunity to celebrate the almighty dollar.
Well, a great man once said, "Greed is good."
Now, I don't happen to agree with that man.
Also, an overrated film, just saying.
(all chuckling)
Honesty is good. That's what is good.
Hear, hear. Let's grab dessert.
All: Hear, hear!
The Bible says that truthful lips shall endure forever, a lying tongue is but for a moment.
Ah, yes. Beautifully put.
What is the point of living in a truthful world if you are not truthful with yourself and with others?
(glass clinking)
Okay, thank you, Robert. Thank you, thank you.
Yes.
Honesty is indeed important.
What profiteth...
No, Robert. Robert, I got this.
I got this. Thank you.
Uh, I think what Robert is trying to tell you all um, is that I haven't been entirely honest with you tonight.
Uh, it's not the same old, same old with us right now.
Robert and I are getting divorced.
(muttering)
But it's... it's okay.
It really is.
Everyone is okay.
And we're all here and we're all still a family.
That's not where I was heading at all.
What?
No, I was gonna sing that pah-rumpa bum-bum song.
You... you were?
But, you know, it's out there now, so I guess that's good.
Let's just say Merry Christmas.
Also, uh, we... there's Bundt cake.
We have Bundt cake coming out in, like, less than a minute.
So, a show of hands for everybody who wants some warm, home-cooked Bundt cake.
Oh, come on.
(sighs)
That redheaded kid.
No one else? No?
(chatter)
(engine starts)
That Monica is such a piece of work.
She keeps sewing those pillows.
Nobody ever buys them, but she keeps sewing them.
She's something else.
So, are you going to say anything about what I said earlier?
Oh, Frances, I'm sure that you and Robert are gonna be able to work out whatever little bump in the road you're going through.
Mom, it's not a bump in the road. We're getting a divorce.
I just came in for water. I'll get it in the john.
No, no. Dad, Dad, please.
Stay, please.
(sighs)
I'm sorry. I know this is a mess.
It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed.
And I'm sorry you were blindsided, but can we please not pretend that nothing's happening here?
Hey, I... I don't mean to intrude, but I thought maybe there's a conversation going on in here that I needed to be a part of.
I can handle this.
It concerns him, Frances.
Stay here, Robert.
Thanks.
So, what happened?
Well, things hadn't been going well for a long time.
Not quite how I would put it, but...
Frances has the floor now, Robert. Let her speak.
Well, I guess... okay, I'd been feeling for quite a while that things were not going well between us.
And I didn't say anything, I think, hoping that he would notice.
And the fact that he didn't just allowed everything to get worse.
And then... certain indiscretions took place... which unfortunately can't be undone.
Some mistakes were made that I really wish hadn't been made.
And it's not, uh...
(sighs) easy for me to say this... but...
I betrayed our vows.
I, uh, had a brief affair and it meant nothing.
But it happened and, uh, I wish I could go back and make it right, but I... I can't.
I'm sorry I...
I'm sorry I hurt your daughter.
Well...
I hope you two are working together to find a fair and equitable way to move forward.
We are. Thank you, Donald.
Yeah, that's what... that's what we're doing.
Good.
As of two minutes ago, it is now Christmas.
We should all go to bed.
Night.
(door opens)
(sighs) sh*t.
You didn't have to do that.
I know.
So, why did you?
Merry Christmas.
Oh, wow!
Ah, just what I wanted!
Candy!
There we go.
It's heavy.
Over here, Donald.
Yes!
(thudding)
♪ Santa got me a microphone for Christmas. ♪
Microphone, microphone.
(feedback squeals)
Microphone, microphone, microphooone.
(feedback squeals)
What's the range on this thing?
Says here it's a mile.
It's probably BS.
Well, looks like we need four AA batteries.
In the kitchen, there's a drawer by the sink.
That's where you'll find the batteries.
Gotcha.
Takes a big man to come clean.
Thank you, sir.
Takes a bigger man to keep his pecker in his pants.
Yes, I know that now.
This is my daughter we're talking about, Robert.
You're gonna do right by her, correct?
I am.
Absolutely, sir.
(exhales)
Good.
Would you give me those pliers, please?
Thank you.
Come on. Give me a turn.
Have you tried to forgive him?
Or perhaps another question might be, "Are you going to be okay, Frances?"
Oh, honey, all I've ever wanted was for you to be okay.
But I shouldn't always have to ask to hear it said out loud.
Mom, check it out! This is the coolest thing!
Wow!
(chuckles)
Just wanna make sure that you've considered all of your options.
I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but maybe forgiving him and moving past this thing is gonna make you happier in the long run.
What happened is much more complicated than it sounds.
Even so, from the way he was talking last night, I don't think he will ever do it again.
Cheating isn't what caused all of this.
I think people have affairs... because they are unhappy.
Sometimes I think people have affairs because it's fun.
Then they get tired of it and hope nobody ever finds out.
Doesn't always mean it's a bad marriage.
What are you talking about?
Let's just say that we all of us have things in all of our lives that we hope our husbands and wives never find out about.
Wait, are you trying...
I'm gonna go check on my turkey.
(door opens, closes)
Oh, my God.
More gravy, Mummy?
That'd be nice. Thank you.
So, the showing went really well.
There were over six bloggers there covering it.
That's impressive?
Yeah.
Nice lamb.
(knocking on door)
Excuse me.
Julian Renaut?
Yeah.
Are you familiar with a woman named Doreen Cooper?
Yeah. I mean, no.
Who... who's asking?
Her husband says hello.
(grunts)
(groans, coughs)
(groans)
Eat. Eat, guys, eat.
Bridget: Here, I made some sandwiches for the road.
And thank you for the candy bars.
Oh, you're welcome, Donald. Plenty more where those came from.
Thank you so much, Bridget.
Oh, it's Mom!
And I promise next year the turkey won't be so dry.
Well, you know, uh, next Christmas I probably won't... could be looking at a different setup.
Why? A year is an awfully long time.
Anything could happen between then and now.
That's true.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Bye, kids!
Bye, Mom and Dad!
Thank you for having us.
Call when you get home.
It doesn't matter what time.
We will. Bye!
Bridget: Merry Christmas!
Robert: Okay.
There they go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
I need to tell them the truth.
No, you don't. Let it go.
They need to know.
No, they don't.
Robert. Please, come on. Robert, Robert!
Nope!
(horn honks)
They've had quite enough for today, okay?
Just let them be.
What's going on?
What do you mean?
You. Are you trying to win some kind of medal?
Because I didn't ask you to do any of this.
Listen, Frances.
I fell on a grenade for you, okay?
And it's pretty much the last time that's gonna happen since it's what married people do for one another.
But beyond that, maybe the truth isn't something that I'm dying to be associated with.
You ever think about that?
Doesn't exactly make me feel great to have everyone know the reason that we're getting divorced is because you fornicated with a French douchebag 22 times.
H-hey, Dad?
Yeah, buddy?
My headphones are on, but they're not... they're not plugged into anything yet.
Just FYI.
(music playing)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Do you want me to cancel? ♪
♪ Is Christmas too much to handle ♪
♪ When that world has passed you by? ♪
♪ If you want to, I'll show you ♪
♪ There's far more to it than your lonely Christmas life ♪
♪ Why should Christmas be so hard? ♪
♪ There's always the mistletoe in the dark ♪
♪ Why should Christmas make you cry? ♪
♪ Look at the snow that hangs in the sky ♪
♪ Loving the way that it glistens all over your eyes ♪
♪ I hear the carols and the sleigh bells ring ♪
♪ You try to fight it 'cause it's not your thing ♪
♪ Let's drink some whiskey and we'll do it our own way ♪
♪ I hear the carols and the sleigh bells ring ♪
♪ You try to fight it 'cause it's not your thing ♪
♪ Let's drink some whiskey... ♪
♪ Why should Christmas be so hard? ♪