05x07 - Revenge of the Nurse

[bunniefuu]

[playful music]

I don't know how I did it, but I'm actually dating a real, honest-to-goodness normo.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming... because most of the guys have been awful.

Okay. You're real.

What about the guy that hated your son?

Ooh, one-night stand that cleaned out your medicine cabinet.

Ah, ah.

We only talk about the good ones.

Those were the good ones.

Look, the point is, I'm with Ben now, so I don't have to think about these weirdos and losers ever again.

That's true.

"Weirdos and losers"?

Which one am I?

[laughs]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Hi, Jamie.

Hi.

You know, I never thought you were a weirdo, so you must be one of the losers.

No.

Welcome to the club, my brothah.

Yes...

No, you're not a loser.

Hey, you don't have to hug him, it's okay.

Hey, stop! Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, my God, Jamie, Jamie.

Help.

[music]

♪ ♪

It's just been such a long time.

Isn't it weird that I still look the same?

I'm great, thanks for asking.

I actually stopped teaching Latin so I can focus on writing novels full-time.

That is very cool.

Wow.

My debut mystery thriller, "The Cicero Paradox," has now spent ten weeks on "The New York Times" Bestsellers list.

It's about an ex-Latin professor named James Trowell who travels the world solving religious mysteries, puzzles, and ciphers, but no codes.

I'll check that out the minute I finish this tweet I'm reading.

Yeah.

Oh.

God, I'm so embarrassed.

What, you fart? You can do it on the subway.

It's allowed.

No, that.

Didn't know that was gonna be there.

Oh, my God!

You looking good.

Thank you.

Dude, your eyes are hella blue.

Did they make them more blue in post?

No, I don't understand, but that was actually a black-and-white photograph and my eyes were so blue that it just came out that way.

So how are things with Lucy?

Not great. We broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

She was nice, and she had a great rack.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I think about her a lot.

So anyway, in the ensuing depression, I went to Rome.

Was gonna blow my brains out in the middle of the Coliseum.

At the very last second, I had an epiphany, decided to write this book and, as they say in Latin, ad Astra per aspera.

"A rough road leads to the stars."

That is beautiful.

I don't understand.

What about you? Are you seeing anyone?

I am, actually.

His name is Ben and he works as a... we work at the hospital together.

Yeah, and, also, he's a friggin' hottie.

I'm talking ssssss!

Well, he sounds great. I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

You know what?

My editor's throwing a book party tonight.

Why don't you and Ben and everyone come by, if you're free.

I'm sorry, am I "everyone"?

Yeah.

It's a pretty good guest list. Salman Rushdie just RSVP'd.

Whoa. Salman Rushdie.

Isn't there a financial reward for whoever turns him...

You know what? Never mind.

Sounds great.

Great.

We're there.

Thanks, great to see you.

See you later, bye... Oh. We hugged.

We already hugged. Yeah, I got it.

Hey, Morgan, get me the information for the Ayatollah.

Okay.

Oh, my God!

I can't... It's so exciting!

It's really exciting.

Pfffft!

Everyone!

Everyone, gather around... we have huge news.

Oh, did the earring you swallowed come out?

[imitates buzzer] Got invited to a book party!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

My ex Jamie wrote a hella fancy book.

It's called "The Sicily Parachute."

Whoa! You mean "The Cicero Paradox."

[breathless laugh]

"Time Out London" called it a spine-tingling journey through the language of our past."

Ugh, that book sounds hella white.

And I read all of Updike.

More like, "Rabbit Run" out of ideas.

I'm gonna come dressed as Signore Sinistro, the evil cardinal with a milky right eye.

Yeah, I've already got the red cape.

Oh, Anna, do you want to come?

You can.

Oh, I'm actually already going. I'm friends with Janet Maslin.

Book critic for "The New York Times."

It's hard to name drop around here.

Anyway, I think Ben is gonna have a great time.

He loves reading. Nerd.

Dr. L, you can't take your new boyfriend to your old boyfriend's party.

What, why?

Because Jamie's being feted by the publishing elite, and basic-ass Ben is gonna be uncomfortable.

It'll be like when I took Ray Ron to my ex's inauguration.

It wasn't cute.

Ben isn't the kind of guy who's threatened by that kind of stuff.

Also, he does not care what people think.

He wears a free T-shirt from the bank.

["Italian" accent] Buona notte.

Has anyone seen my poison candelabra?

Whoa! Hey!

Dude, come on!

Dude, come on!

Who's gonna clean up all those pencils?

Who's gonna clean up all those pencils?

["Italian" accent] Could you please clean it up, Morgan?

You should do that.

Of course I'm going to. It was re-he-torical.

The ancient riddle itself had befuddled Classics scholars for centuries, and now James had to solve it while being chased by a g*ng of Albanian mercenaries.

[low murmurs]

"A cat and a comb," he pondered, his brow furrowed intelligently.

"A cat and a comb, a cat and a comb.

It doesn't make any sense."

You can do it, James!

"To the catacombs."

[all exhale]

End... of... chapter.

Oh.

Oh.

This is a bestseller?

Hey, what did you think of the book?

It's not bad.

Probably could use some fact-checking, though.

I'm pretty sure you can't have a canal chase from Venice to Rome.

Oh, no, there's canals all over Spain.

Okay, I'm just gonna tousle your hair so I can introduce you to Jamie.

Okay.

'Kay, there.

Good?

You look good, yeah, let's go.

All right.

[playful music]

[indistinct talking]

Wow. Gillian Flynn. I am such a fan.

You should read my fan fiction for "Gone Girl."

In my version, Amy fakes her own kidnapping to frame Nick.

That is exactly what happens in my book.

You know, I think I kind of captured the characters a little bit better than you did.

You gotta read it. I'll send it to you.

Just give me your email.

Wait, wait, what's Ben Affleck like?

[clears throat] My husband tells me I should make small talk with work colleagues.

Would you like to join me in that?

Um, okay. Sure.

Must be nice dating a nurse.

My husband never has time to go to parties.

He's so busy running his hedge fund that when he comes home all we have time to do is have passionate sex.

Then he goes to bed and I weigh my food for the next day.

Ben sure does have a lot of free time.

What's important is that you're fine with who Ben is.

Okay. That feels sufficient.

I'm going to go talk to Graydon Carter.

Editor of "Vanity Fair."

Jesus Christ.

[stammers] I'm sorry, I ju... Okay.

[chuckles]

Jamie, I'm such a big fan.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, you probably know me on the message boards as "TrowellSlut."

I came up with the theory that you based your main character on yourself.

You know, a lot of people think that, but we're actually quite different.

For example, James is right-handed, whereas I am ambidextrous.

Well, that really resonates with me, because I am neither-handed.

And it was very difficult growing up.

And look at you now.

Carpe that Diem.

[Morgan murmuring]

Morg... don't.

You don't want to do that, dude.

It's okay.

Nice to talk to you.

He's a big fan.

So, Ben, Mindy tells me that you are a doctor.

I think that's really admirable.

Uh, no, actually I'm a nurse.

Oh, I...

I'm so sorry, she said you worked together at the hospital and I just... made that leap.

Nurse is a great profession as well.

Yeah.

In fact, I'm actually having my main character sleep with a nurse in my follow-up novel, "The Cato Codex."

Where in a hospital would be a good place for that to happen?

A room where no one else is?

"A room where no one else is."

I like that.

I like that specificity.

Happy to help.

Wait, so you're both nurses?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's my day job.

I also have a sketch show on IFC.

Oh.

I can't believe I am meeting Cameron Winters from "The Today Show."

[chuckles]

Oh, my God, you're the guy Carson Daly and Willie Geist hate because you're so good looking.

Well, thank you, but that's not true.

They hate me because I come from money.

[laughter]

Me too!

High five!

Yeah.

Hey, you know, we're looking for a nurse for our show.

We are doing a flu season segment, but we had to fire our regular on-air nurse.

She crossed a line with Hoda.

Oh.

Yo, listen, Cameron, I could totally be your nurse.

I already have TV experience.

Oh.

I was featured on "Sports Center" when I fell of the second deck at a Braves' game.

She fell right on top of Hank Aaron.

[comical falling noise] Pfft! [laughs]

What about you?

Me?

Yeah.

Hell no.

I don't want my first Emmy to be a daytime one.

Ha.

Eew!

Who wants that?

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Wasn't that party so much fun?

It made me almost want to read a book.

I'm kind of regretting that I went to that party, 'cause now Cameron Winters won't stop texting me to be on "The Today Show."

And I would, but I don't respond to thirst.

Is it to model fall fashions for every shape?

Why didn't he ask me? I'm every shape.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

They need a new on-air nurse.

Oh, my God. You know who should do it?

Ben. He oozes charisma.

And he performs very well on camera.

Ooh.

Hidden camera.

Thank you, Tamra.

[phone ringing]

This is Cameron, reporting from New York.

Oh, my God, is this the Cameron Winters?

I didn't know I'd get you directly.

Very funny, Savannah.

Stop bullying me, okay?

I'm documenting all of this.

Oh... this isn't Savannah Guthrie.

This is Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

I met you at the book party last night.

Oh, right, yeah, you were the one who was in the bathroom for an hour.

Uh, the reason I'm calling is because

I heard you need a new on-air nurse.

I have the perfect guy. His name is Ben.

Women want to sleep with him; men want to be him; and men want to sleep with his hot girlfriend.

Well, I do need someone right away.

Text me a photo of him.

Okay, um...

[lively music]

There.

[phone chimes]

Okay, now send me one of his face.

Oh.

Well, I don't know if I have one.

Two weeks ago. Month ago.

Oh. There.

[phone chimes]

He's perfect.

Largely because I have no other options.

We'll sh**t at St. Brendan's.

He needs to be there by 4:00 a.m. tomorrow.

[yelps] Oh, my God.

Cameron, this is so exciting. You will not regret this.

[chuckles] Okay, great.

Bye. See you tomorrow.

He's really in a jam.

He seems like the coolest person.

[sighs]

I don't know, what do you think?

I don't know, Mindy.

I don't really want to be on TV.

[laughs]

Sorry, I thought you just said you didn't want to be on TV.

That's exactly what I said.

What's the matter with you?

Are you out of your g*dd*mn mind?

What's the matter with you?

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I am so sorry, I shouldn't have hit you, but you shouldn't say hurtful things.

Wait.

Is there a warrant out for your arrest?

No one will notice.

[whispers All white guys look the same.

Look, I love that you did this for me, I do, but it's not my thing.

I'm not flashy.

My only suit is from Costco.

It's just... you're such a good nurse and you're so good with your patients, I...

I want other people to see that.

You really want me to do this?

[sighs]

Okay, fine, I'll do it for you.

But you have to do something for me.

Bring another woman into our bedroom?

Sure.

I was actually just gonna ask if you'd come with me tomorrow.

But we can explore your thing.

So, Cameron, these are really the three items that you need to keep in your house to stay healthy this winter.

That's great, Nurse Ben. And what about for the kids?

Do you have a fun rhyme to help them stay flu-free?

A rhyme?

Nope, just wash your hands and don't cough on people, dum-dums.

Ha.

[laughing]

Hard to get simpler than that.

Now back to the studio where Savannah's gonna give us the lowdown on winter's hottest cold soups.

And we're clear.

Nice job. You're a natural.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, okay.

Hey!

Hey.

You were amazing!

Yeah?

I cough on people all the time; now I'll never do it.

This was pretty fun.

You know what?

We should celebrate. Let's go to the Guggenheim.

Let's get some champagne. Let's have sex in the bathroom.

Baby, it's 7:15 in the morning.

I have to do my real job now.

Oh. That's right.

Forget it, plus, the Guggenheim bathrooms aren't even open till 10:00.

I don't know why I know that.

I'm not gonna ask.

[giggles]

See you, babe.

Bye. You were great.

Thank you.

You were great!

Hey, everyone, stop everything you're doing.

You have to see this.

Ooh.

It is pretty cool.

[clears throat]

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

Hey.

It's your dream.

You're dating a meme.

Yeah!

And after you got so close with "Damn, Daniel."

I know. I'm just so proud of Ben.

It's like I'm a stage mom, but I can sex with the kid.

Ben's segment was okay, but who gets on TV and misses a chance like that to yell "Bababooie!"

That would be epic!

Was it someone's birthday?

My husband tells me at office gatherings I should accept a slice of cake as though I were going to eat it.

Well, speaking of significant others, my boyfriend is America's newest, hottest TV star.

Ooh!

Everyone's really impressed. What do you think, Anna?

Tim and I own a five-story townhouse in Notting Hill that sits empty.

Well, since we're dishing about men we love, Jamie and I are officially best friends.

Do you guys know Jamie?

Of course, he's the author that invited us to the book launch.

Anyways, we went for coffee, which turned into a full-on chill sesh, which turned into a full-on bitch sesh, which turned into a full-on pitch sesh.

Went to the batting cages... Ah!

Long story short, he is basing a sign-language monkey on me in his next book.

I get k*lled by a dart in page one.

[phone buzzes]

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's from Jamie.

"Morgan, you're out of the book."

Hey...

It's quite a journey.

Oh, my God. I am still buzzing.

Everybody at work cannot stop talking about how great you were.

Tamra said that she would consider sleeping with you.

Do you realize how huge that is?

Ben?

Hm?

Ben!

Mm.

Hey, man, you got to wake up.

The only reason I got a reservation to this place is because I said I was with a celebrity.

Sorry.

You know what? In fact, take a picture of me so I can post it.

Get my Coke in the sh*t.

Right.

Just my shirt.

[camera shutters clicks]

Gorgeous.

Thank you.

Eat your heart out, Selena Gomez.

[yawns] Sorry.

I'm exhausted. I've been up since 3:00 a.m.

Pediatrics was crazy today.

Apparently, the raw bar at Spence wasn't properly refrigerated.

Well, I have some news that's gonna cheer you up.

Cameron called. He wants you to come back on "The Today Show" tomorrow to do, I think, a segment on moisturizing.

Babe, I...

I don't think I want to do another segment.

I mean, part of me thinks if you're getting your medical information from a television show, you deserve to die.

No, no, I already told him that you would do it, and I cannot be blackballed from another morning show.

I burped so much in the audience of "Dr. Oz", they had to throw the episode out.

Well, Lindsay and her friends did think it was pretty cool that I was on TV.

All right, I guess I can do one more episode.

I'm so happy! You are so cool.

It's making me look cooler.

Mindy?

Hey. What's up?

Casey. Hi.

What a nice surprise. Casey, this is Ben.

Ben, this is Casey.

Casey and I were engaged, and we used to live together in Haiti.

Huh.

Yes, yes to all that.

And then we got back together and then she left me for my best friend, and I still haven't gotten the apology for that, babe.

Casey actually runs the shoe company that makes those sneakers that I gave you.

Oh. Right.

Yeah, I can't wear them to work because there's a naked lady on them, but they're super comfortable.

Yeah, that's tight. Where do you work, man?

I'm a...

He's a television personality.

Oh.

He gives life-saving tips over America's breakfast table.

That's tight, man, I'm gonna have to check that out over my morning acai bowl.

Ooh.

What?

I got a health guru.

Got me on the superfood tip, so feel real healthy.

I'ma get back to my table.

Okay.

Good to see you.

Bye.

Later, buddy.

Wasn't he interesting?

He was so impressed.

And Casey is a huge mover and shaker.

Super.

He knows Kanye West.

So... that's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know. How is this my fault?

I'll ask her again, fine.

Hi. Uh, where's Ben?

We're live in ten minutes.

If I mess up another segment, I'll get fired.

I dropped a pumpkin pie on Al Roker.

Okay, listen, Cameron, do not worry.

I'm gonna get him.

Yeah?

You have to chill.

I'm chill.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Okay.

Okay. Don't worry.

Ben, it's Mindy. Where are you?

This is the seventh message that I have left you.

You better have d*ed.

Hey.

What's up with the news crew?

Did you mix up two babies again?

No, wait, what are you doing here?

I wasn't sleeping here.

All right, fine, I slept here.

Colette brought a girl home, and she put a shin guard on the doorknob.

What... what's going on? What's wrong?

What's wrong is that we are going freakin' live on "The Today Show", and I can't find Ben.

Oh, you can't do the segment?

No, I need a nurse.

Yeah, good luck with that.

[playful music]

Morgan, let's get you into hair and makeup.

So, Nurse Morgan, can you tell us the best way to stay moisturized these cold winter months?

Nurse Morgan? Nurse Morgan?

What?

Yeah.

What'd you say?

Mm... I...

Can you tell us the best way to stay moisturized these cold winter months?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

All you do, you grab your lotion.

Okay.

Hopefully one that's got some advanced therapy in it.

And you just want to kind of just load it on right there.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Really slather because...

Is that a little too much?

No, there's no such thing.

Okay.

Your skin is your most important part of your body.

Also, your big...

Oh!

[thud]

Jesus!

Oh!

Oh, no.

I got... no, no, no, keep rolling.

Keep rolling. [sneakers squeak]

Oh...[yelps]

[thud, clattering]

[playful music]

Hey, man, this is really uncool.

You better call me back.

You ditched this morning.

Morgan broke an $8,000 camera, and I've been banned from "The Today Show," just after they lifted the last ban.

Call me back.

[laughter]

He goes down so hard.

Oh.

Yo, Morgan, you're trending more than Ben, man.

Everyone's calling you Nurse Moron.

Yeah, I know, 'cause they want me to be "more on" the show.

No.

Look at...

Good on you, Morgan, for contributing to the rapid descent of straight, white men in our society.

That's right, it's our turn.

Hoo-ah... yes.

Hell yeah.

Yeah... oh!

God, no matter how many times I watch it, I still can't remember it happening.

[laughs]

So good.

So good.

Oh, yeah! The man of the hour!

Thank you for not showing up this morning, because I don't know if you heard, but I am America's hot new thing.

Move over, computers.

Right?

To celebrate, we're gonna have a real Hollywood party at our place.

Glitz and glamour.

Yeah... hey-oh.

[laughs]

I'm gonna mix wine and ginger ale to make champagne.

Ooh.

What?

That sounds... great.

Hey, have you guys seen Mindy?

I really need to talk to her.

She went to go buy a new dress because she says everything she owns is too nice for our apartment.

[chuckles]

So she's going to the party?

Yeah, she didn't tell you about it?

She did. Of course, she did.

You're gonna go?

Yeah. Wouldn't miss it.

Can you please bring napkins?

And...

I don't know, like 9 pounds of shrimp?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, please bring shrimp?

[both] Please? Please, please, please?

Please bring shrimp.

Please, please, please.

[both] Please, please, please, please?

I'm gonna bring the napkins.

Okay.

I'll see you there though.

See you, buddy.

[laughing] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[laughing]

[laughing] I can't.

Come on, Morgan. I believe in you.

I... let me see... it's kind of like a... it's one of these.

You got it.

You know what it is?

I had more lotion on the other day.

[sighs] This one, I think we're ready.

Come on, Morgan!

We want to see you be Nurse Moron like on TV.

I'm trying, okay? I'm not like a trained monkey that can just do stuff... forget it, I'm out of here.

Oh!

Jesus!

Oh! My salsa!

I cut off my fingertip chopping the cilantro.

[lively music]

[indistinct talking]

All: Oh. [laughter]

[dog whines]

Hey, don't look at me like that, Charlemagne.

[slurring] The drinks at this party are small.

You have to have a lot of them.

Leave me alone.

There's nothing sadder than a beautiful girl who can't find glassware.

Oh. Hey.

Can I ask a question?

23 capfuls is like how many drinks?

Um, I don't know, let me try to catch up.

What should we drink to?

I don't know, man.

Boyfriends who ghost on you.

Break-ups that you don't even understand.

Spilling on the ground.

[chuckles]

How about to chance encounters on the subway, with old friends?

Whoa. What happened?

Oh, us.

Yeah.

Cool.

Cheers.

I bet you like, like kids are gonna start kind of doing the... you know, do the Morgan.

Do the Morgan.

Oh, my God, what if Weird Al does a song parody?

Oh... sorry.

Yeah! What's up, man?

How are ya?

Oh, yeah.

Come on in.

Let's see what you're working with.

Come on, do a little spin.

Oh, this old thing?

Little more. Jesus, you got a great body.

Uh, don't say that.

You wear clothes good.

Hey.

Got you napkins.

[exhales]

Oh.

No one brought shrimp.

Sorry about that.

Wish you could eat napkins. But you can't!

Come on, meet some peeps.

Oh, okay.

How'd you come up with the Sistine Chapel?

It's actually based on a real place.

Hey, will you say something to me in Latin?

Yeah, um...

Pedicabo ego vos in nocte.

Wow. That was cool.

That sounded like a Harry Potter spell.

What does it mean?

It means you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

And he told me to shut up...

Mm, mm.

'Cause I was talking so loud, he's like, "Shut up!" you know.

And this is his girlfriend.

And, uh, you know, I remembered I got his number because we kind of got into it a little bit.

Pamela? I don't know.

But, uh, she's pretty cool.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Ben?

Ben, just wait, wait.

Hey! Who let this guy in here?

Come on, man, where you been, best friend?

Ahh.

Hey.

I got news for you, brother.

This party sucks. Let's get out of here.

Ben. Ben!

Stop!

Stop. I didn't mean to do that, okay?

I was just really drunk.

Oh, you were drunk?

That makes it okay then.

I guess I'll just go pound some beers and bang some random skank in a bathroom stall.

Okay, this escalated very quickly.

Yeah, it escalated.

We have one small fight and... and I find you kissing some crappy mystery writer.

First of all, he writes historo-thrillers.

They suck.

Second of all, it wasn't a little fight.

I haven't heard from you in two days.

How many times did I have to tell you?

I didn't want to do that stupid show.

And how come every time you introduce me to people you never tell them that I'm a nurse?

That's not true.

I tell people all the time.

No, you don't.

Well, I don't want to sit here and argue with you about that.

Mindy?

Oh, damn it.

How you doing?

Not great, Josh.

I'm having a huge fight with my boyfriend.

Hi, I'm Josh.

Mindy and I used to date.

But I don't remember most of it.

I was super high the whole time.

Hi.

Hey.

Josh, this is Ben. Ben, this is Josh.

Ben is a nurse, which, apparently, is as important as being the President.

Wait a minute.

Did we just see you on "The Today Show"?

Yeah, wash your hands and...

both: "Don't cough on people, dum-dums."

Yeah, we love that.

Yeah, that's me.

See? They loved it.

I don't care!

Well.

Cool, seems like I've walked into the middle of something here, and me and Brianna just had our own fight about fidelity issues, so we're gonna head out.

Nice to meet you, Nurse Ben.

Uh, Mindy, as always, it was awkward and confusing to see you.

So, okay. Bye.

Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.

Bye.

Oh, my God, how many men in this city have you dated?

Kind of a lot, I guess. And I guess it depends on your definition of dating and men.

Look, I am sorry that I pushed that show on you.

I was just trying to do something nice for you, okay?

I was trying to help you.

I don't need your help.

I'm perfectly fine with who I am, but you keep trying to make me into something that you think your boyfriend needs to be.

Something I'm not.

But you could be!

[scoffs]

All this time you've been wondering if I'm good enough for you, huh?

But you know what, Mindy?

I don't think you're good enough for me.

[Bishop Briggs' "Be Your Love" plays]

♪ I'ma be your love when the fire burn ♪
♪ When the blessed turn I'ma be your love ♪
♪ When the crazy world turn to Hell on Earth ♪
♪ I'ma be your love I'ma be your ♪
♪ Love ♪
♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪ Oh, I'ma be your love ♪
♪ When the crazy world turn to Hell on Earth ♪
♪ I'ma be your love I'ma be your ♪
♪ Love, love ♪
♪ Love, love ♪
♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪ Love ♪
♪ Love, love ♪
♪ I'ma be your love ♪