02x08 - Allison's Thanksgiving Meltdown

[bunniefuu]

Mom, I can't talk about this right now.

No, that's...

[Door opens]

Yes, absolutely.

Ken will be fine with it.

We'll see you Thursday.

Okay, bye.

Are we having people over on Thanksgiving?

'Cause my butt's got a date with this couch, and it's too late to cancel.

No, listen.

I know we talked about not doing anything for Thanksgiving.

Oh, no.

That was my mom, and they really want us to drive up this year.

Allison, no, it's not their turn.

We have a system. Respect the system.

Well, your parents aren't hosting.

Yeah, because of their Bell Biv Di-vorce.

You've got to stop calling it that.

I will when it stops being fresh.

I was just so looking forward to staying home and doing nothing.

I know you're tired, but we haven't been up to Santa Barbara to see their new house.

It's been months.

We all looked at it on Zillow.

I get it. They have avocado trees.

Ken, I really want us to go see them.

It's important to me and it's important to the kids and it should be important to you.

[Sighs] Fine.

We'll go.

I'll buckle up for a nice, long medical chat with your groovy dad.

He's just trying to connect with you.

He's always sending me articles to read.

"Hey, Ken, did you check out that k*ller randomized control trial about how they're finding new uses for statins?"

Oh, are we imitating dads now?

[Imitating D.K.] Ken, I live with you now.

Hope you like smell of curry and cigars and Aqua Velva.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

My dad's not all gruff like that.

[Normal voice] Please.

At our wedding, he gave me a "welcome to the family" handshake.

I'd take that over one of Jerry's full-body hugs.

"Bring it in, babe.

Lengthy hugs have been known to reduce blood pressure.

Ooh, yes!"

And then if the drunk guy we had bet on was able to knock the other drunk guy unconscious, everyone in the alley would pay my father a dollar.

Clark, what's your favorite Thanksgiving tradition?

Well, you know, mine's not quite as... Hemingway-esque.

But when I was little, on Thanksgiving, my family would always sing that Doobie Brothers' song, "Black Water."

Oh, yeah. That funky Dixieland song.

Yes.

Was that song significant in some way?

Uh, yes, Allison.

They sang it on Thanksgiving. Keep up.

I don't know why that song.

Maybe because our only boom box player had that tape stuck in it for three years.

Yeah. Yeah, that's probably why.

Anyway, to this day, whenever I hear "Black Water," it just takes me back to some of the best moments of my childhood.

Oh, instead of mashed potatoes, my mom would make baked potatoes.

[Inhales sharply] Damn it. I knew I should've gone first.

Funemployed boyfriend alert.

He's here because he can be!

Yay!

Yay!

So, what's everyone doing tomorrow?

Ah, I'm just gonna see what comes up.

Does something usually "come up" on Thanksgiving?

Well, Allison, you got to live the life you want, not the life you have.

I learned that from one of my dad's drunkest fighters.

Well, that is...

What about you guys?

Well, Clark is going to serve dinner at the homeless shelter downtown, and I'm gonna join him.

I already told you, you don't have to come.

You should go to your sister's.

And I told you I am coming and that my sister is a chore.

Ha!

Ya got burnt, Clark's boyfriend's sister.

Actually, they could use help down there if any of you...

I'm in!

See, Allison? Something came up.

Damona, do you want to join us?

Yeah, sure. Um, can I bring Eric?

You guys don't already have plans?

Oh, he has plans.

His plans are to do what I tell him.

Ooh, you made your berry crumble.

I can rumble with some crumble.

No, you can't.

But I rhymed.

Even still. Do me a favor.

Put it in the car when you pack your stuff.

[Clicks tongue] Ken do.

'Cause I'm Ken.

Got it.

Dave?

You think you might have a "Pokémon Go" problem?

No.

How'd I get in the kitchen?

Oh, will you put that thing away, buddy?

You're the one who wanted me to play a sport.

Okay, Pokémon's not a sport.

Then why am I so dehydrated?

Thank God I have the rest of the week to recover.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, I know, buddy.

We all thought we'd be home this weekend...

Ooh, are we talking about not going?

No, we're talking about going.

Oh.

Look, I know you're all not super excited about this change of plans.

Where'd you get that?

But it's gonna be a fun road trip.

Plus, it'll be that rare chance for us to have a family adventure, just the four of us.

Plans fell through. I go with you.

I call window seat.

Back middle!

Your dad's coming with us?

Yeah. I know what you're gonna say, so I'm gonna say it first.

Shotgun!

Hey.

Sorry we're late, but some people would rather watch a football game than to be with their girlfriend.

Hey, a football game never criticized my haircut.

Why would it? It looks like a helmet.

Well, great news for people who like disasters.

Each tablescape is supposed to have three gourds.

But some have six, and some are gourd-less!

And some... Oh, my God, is that a pinecone?

Yes!

Sorry.

The Lions just scored a touchdown.

Oh, did they?

Oh, my bad. Were you recording it?

Damona, you need to handle this.

Three gourds per table, people. Can we make that happen?

Oh, honey, no, that's not how you peel that!

Heidi, you're off yams!

I have never seen Clark like this.

Me either.

I like this new Clark.

He's commanding, authoritative, drunk with power.

Shut it, Pat. Go grab some pitchers.

Aye, Captain. Good to be here.

Gourds!

So, how's everyone doing? We having fun yet?

This is so messed up.

Yeah, but we're going, Dad, so get onboard.

No, this audiobook. Tina Fey, "Bossypants."

Everybody says she's so funny. She's no Amy Poehler.

Well, maybe just give it a chance.

Oh, I'll give it a chance.

$8.95 to download? I'll give it a big chance.

[Cellphone chimes]

Crap! We have to turn around.

What? Why?

You heard her.

I forgot, I'm supposed to feed Laura Diamond's fish.

I agreed to do it when I thought we were staying home this weekend.

[Sighs]

Okay, I got a hold of my friend Luke.

He's away skiing, but said his little brother might be able to help.

Molly, can I use your charger?

I'm running low, and I just spotted a Poliwag.

I'm in the middle of a life or death situation, here.

It's just fish.

That's just Pokémon!

Guys, please!

I'm no longer asking for fun. I just want to get there, okay?

[Sighs]

[Scoffs] Damn it.

Why are we stopping?

[Sighs] Traffic.

Great. Now we're never gonna get there.

[Sarcastically] Oh, no.

[Normal voice] Sorry. I meant to mumble that.

Damona.

Could you hold up your right hand?

Okay, good.

Tell me, did you learn that after I said drinks go on the right?

Just so you know, I also punch with my right.

Come on, people. Let's get it together!

You heard him, people. Let's get it together!

Pitchers, Pat.

Sí, Jefe.

Oh. Oh. I'm sorry.

Are we about to get another update on the Lions?

Oh, did you want one?

'Cause you weren't clear on whether you're recording it.

I am not.

Oh. Then they're up by three.

I don't know what you want, man.

I want place settings that don't look like the bastard child of chaos and despair!

Unbelievable. [Muttering]

Hey. How's it going?

Bad. We didn't come all the way down here to get yelled at by Clark.

Yeah, I got Damona for that.

Shut your ass up.

I'm going to go say something to Clark right now.

No, no, no, no, no. I should talk to him.

[Sighs] Let me.

Okay, well, you tell him if he keeps treating us this way, we're out of here.

Right, baby? You say right.

Right.

[Sighs] Waze says there's an accident up ahead.

It could be an hour before they clear it.

Simon, the key to the Diamonds' place is on my desk.

You're at my house, right? Good.

Our spare key is under the ugly garden gnome thing...

Uh, her name is Jill, and she's the reason we have perfect basil.

Now the alarm is gonna go off, but just type in 2-4-6-8 and it'll turn off.

What do you mean you can't reach the keypad?

Well, grab a chair!

I know you're 11 and have weak arms, but, Simon, you got to try!

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

This is Mary-Beth from AMS Security.

Your alarm has been triggered.

Yeah, it's just a short kid trying to get into the house.

The password is "field hockey."

No, that's not it.

What? Did you change it?

I didn't even know we had home security.

I changed password. "Field hockey" is too easy.

Aw, thanks for keeping us safe, Papa.

He's not keepi... Oh, never mind.

What'd you change it to?

Bunch of random numbers and letters.

How am I supposed to remember?

Unbelievable.

Mary-Beth: Let me ask you one of your security questions.

What was your favorite childhood pet?

I don't know!

My parents never let me have pets when I was a kid!

That's correct, ma'am. That's what we have here.

What? So we're good?

We'll turn off your alarm.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Can you rescue a fish in Tarzana?

[Laughs]

You found the key? Great.

Call me the second you get to the Diamonds'.

I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Maybe it's time to bail.

Why don't we just flip it around and go hit Hometown Buffet?

Seriously?

Mom, can I have a piece of the berry crumble?

[Sighs]

Where is the crumble?

Ken, where's the crumble?

I may have left it on the roof of the car.

I asked you to do one thing.

Look, my hands were full, and the crumble was surprisingly heavy.

I had to put it on the roof to open the car door, and...

Maybe it's still up there.

[Scoffs]

In what universe would...

Ah! It's still up there!

It got wedged in the roof rack.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

I'll just open this, and...

[Sunroof whirring]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

My parents were right.

Your parents said the crumble would fall through the sunroof?

No.

Remember when I was talking to them on the phone the other day?

We were actually arguing about you, Ken.

What? Me?

Yeah, you.

They didn't think you would even come.

They keep saying you don't make an effort, that I always go out of my way for your family, but you never reciprocate.

And when it comes to my family, you're all about you.

And silly me, I defended you.

I insisted you're not like that.

Thanks for proving me wrong.

Where are you going?

You want to go to Hometown Buffet?

Feel free.

Happy Thanksgiving.

She'll be back.

Any minute now.

Oh, boy.

Look, there's no excuse for how I behaved.

But in my defense, I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend at home.

This has been a tough year for me, Allison.

Higher patient load, my parents got divorced.

I'm really b*rned out.

You? Well, what about my year?

Your father's been living with us forever.

I do the housework, the cooking, and, let's face it, a good 80% of the parenting.

I want them to turn out okay.

And I gave up the practice I built to move to your HMO.

But have you even once bothered to ask how that transition's been?

No, you haven't.

'Cause you're too busy flapping off about one little visit with my parents.

You're right. You're completely right.

And your parents are right, too.

I've been so selfish.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you for your apology.

Great. So can we go back to the ca...

No.

What?

Apology not accepted.

Huh?

Did you say something?

Hey.

Hey.

How's it all going?

Great.

The biscuits are burnt, but apparently the Lions are doing well.

Okay, sweetie, the thing is, you've been a little bit scary today.

Okay. Um...

I don't talk about this, and it's not a big deal, but when I was 17, I came out to my parents, and they freaked.

And they halfway kicked me out and I halfway ran away and I ended up all the way homeless just for, like, a minute.

And it was Thanksgiving in Cooperstown, so I was cold, and I wandered into a shelter.

And they didn't care that I was gay.

They just gave me a hot meal.

And that meal gave me hope.

And that hope helped me go back and fix things with my family.

So, I guess I just feel like if one meal could do something like that for someone else, better be a pretty damn good meal.

Wow.

I had no idea, and that's beautiful.

But babe, you have to know you weren't responding to the number of gourds or the placement of a napkin.

It's the spirit of the holiday.

Yeah.

And the irony of that is that the harder I try, the more I am ruining the holiday for everyone else.

I am not doing anyone any good down here, so I'm gonna go.

Heidi, can you take over serving for me?

I am really sorry.

I'm really sorry. No. Don't leave.

Clark. Clark.

I'm so sorry.

Clark.

Clark!

What? What?

♪ I want to to hear that funky Dixieland ♪
♪ Pretty mama gonna take me by the hand ♪

What are you doing?

♪ Take me by the hand, hand ♪
♪ Take me by the hand, pretty mama ♪
♪ Dance with me, daddy, all night long ♪

Together: ♪ I want to hear that funky Dixieland ♪
♪ Pretty mama gonna take me by the hand ♪
♪ By the hand, hand ♪
♪ Take me by the hand, pretty mama ♪
♪ Dance with me, daddy, all night long ♪
♪ I want to hear that funky Dixieland ♪
♪ Pretty mama gonna take me by the hand ♪
♪ By the hand, hand ♪
♪ Take me by the hand, pretty mama ♪
♪ Dance with me, daddy, all night long ♪
♪ I want to hear that funky Dixieland ♪
♪ Pretty mama gonna take me by the hand ♪

Okay people, I think we've gone past the moment.

It's too bad. She really nailed this crumble.

[Cellphone rings]

Talk to me, Simon.

Are you inside the Diamonds' house?

Great. Now go upstairs...

I know they have a ping pong table, but what are you gonna do with just one person?

Focus, Simon.

Now, go into Laura's room on the left, and tell me how many fish you see.

What happened?

She didn't accept my apology.

Yes!

Sorry.

I'm gonna tell you something as a man who was married 50 years.

Although, I'm divorced, so take it with grain of salt. [Laughs]

[Laughs mockingly] Can you get to it?

There comes a time in every marriage when one person make the other one so mad that they don't accept an apology.

When that happens, all you can do is win her back with your actions over time.

Dad doesn't have time.

True.

But he has a secret w*apon.

I can't dance my way out of this.

Or can I?

No.

Secret w*apon is me.

Wait here.

[Car door closes]

Not to pile on, but you guys aren't really setting the best example for freeway safety.

[Sighs]

Hey.

You're the rock of your family.

Just like Tina Fey was the rock of "SNL" cast.

Well, I don't want to be the rock, but Ken gets to be the crazy one, so I have to be.

Everyone else gets to freak out and be selfish, but does anyone care what I want?

No.

Actually, I take that back.

I am selfish.

And you know what selfish Allison wanted?

For all of us to have a nice Thanksgiving together.

But I get no support from... Ugh.

I swear I-I just want to scream.

Then do it.

[Exhales sharply] What?

Scream.

[Screams]

She's screaming at Grandpa.

Better him than me. Thank you, Papa.

[Sighs]

Feel better?

Yeah, I do.

Ken knows he messed up.

But you watch... he'll be your rock.

Sometimes it just takes him a while to get there.

Thanks, D.K.

I really appreciate this.

Put it there.

[Laughs]

Just like wedding, remember?

Yeah, I do.

[Laughs]

Hey, I read that article you sent on how asthma can be diagnosed through saliva tests.

Oh, you read it?

I'm so glad you dug it, babe.

The mass spectrometry is amazing.

Non-invasive, man. Groovy.

You know what, Jer?

What?

It is groovy.

[Chuckles]

You know, we never would've made it if Ken hadn't gone 90 on the shoulder and then told the cops he was late to deliver a baby.

[Chuckles] I wasn't totally lying.

I mean, in a way, I was delivering your baby back to you.

Well, we're really grateful you changed your plans and made the effort to see us.

Totally, babe.

Hey, do you want some fresh avocados?

We've got a tree.

They know.

Listen.

There's nothing I can say to fix what happened.

I just have to do better.

And I know I can because you always make me better, and that's why I love you.

Apology accepted.

You hear that, guys? She accepted it.

We're good. Let's get out of here.

JK. LOL. HT.

What's "HT"?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Aww.

[Chuckles]