03x06 - Eisen Trouble

[bunniefuu]

What are they doing?

Waitress gave them a children's menu and crayons.

They're trying to see who can connect the dots first.

Bear!

Bear on a surfboard!

I knew it. I sensed it.

Teddy: That's no fair.

My crayon broke.

I wasn't expecting to see you here, Felix.

I thought you were avoiding Langford's.

Why? Because Emily works here and she dumped me?

Yes, the truth is, I have not seen Emily since the breakup, and I have been avoiding Langford's.

I've also been taking the stairs instead of using the elevator, and donning a moustache and beret for trips through the lobby.

That was you?

Damn, I thought I had me a Johnny Depp sighting.

But I knew I was okay coming here today because it's her day off and she just posted a picture of herself at the dog park, which must have been taken earlier because here you are and here are we.

Hi, Felix.

Good, and you?

What?

I was wondering when we were going to run into each other, and now we have, and it feels right.

The right stuff.

We are astronauts of friendship.

I wasn't sure how we would...

You know, sin...

I'm sorry, this is a little awkward.

Awkward? No, it is goo... d.

Good as gold.

The gold medal of friendship... goes to us.

Oh!

I don't know where to look.

Okay, well, have to get back to work.

You do that.

Work it, girl!

Well, that went better than I thought.

Oh, God, look who's here.

Uch, Rich Eisen.

He always "swings by" after the ratings come out to tell me he b*at me and that he's my daddy.

Madison.

Eisen.

Swing by to gloat about the ratings?

Oh, what are ratings, anyway?

Other than a highly accurate way to determine who your daddy is?

Was the astronaut of friendship thing weird?

No, no, it was good... it was playful.

Say, Oscar, have you heard?

The Broadcasters Charitable Trust has named me Humanitarian of the Year.

They want someone to introduce me at the banquet, and I thought of you.

You really think I would do that after you come down here and insult me in front of my friends?

He'll be there.

I'm sorry, Oscar, but, you know, you and Rich are on the same network, and the execs think it would be "good corporate synergy."

I just got the email.

And with your ratings being where they are, i.e., the crapper, it's probably not a good idea to make the bigwigs mad.

So we'll see you Friday.

He could use a big wig.

You could use a big wig!

Ah, he's gone.

Just like his hair.

You've got no hair!

Man, he always has to get the last word in.

He's such a jerk.

Reminds me of my bully from high school.

I wonder what she's doing now.

I can't believe you got to get up in public and give an award to that fool.

Oh, don't worry, I'll buy a table and we'll all be there to support you, right, guys?

Of course.

Sounds fun.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

I thought he was talking to me.

He was asking you.

But you could go.

I don't have to go.

I could go.

I mean, I'm happy to.

Doesn't matter.

Unless it's weird.

Up to you.

It's your call.

Oh, I hope there's a bar.

It's okay, Felix, I don't have to go.

No, no, of course we can both go.

It doesn't have to be weird if we don't want it to be.

Are you sure?

Of course!

This can be the kickoff to the New Super-Cool Laid-Back Friendship part of our relationship.

(both laugh)

Uh, um...

Oh, oh...

Yeah, there's a bar.

Fantastic.

Oh, thank God.

Oscar: Even though I hate having to say nice things about that clown, the speech reads great.

I just got a couple of tweaks.

Hit me.

You see here, when we say, "Rich Eisen is a good man who does good things"?

Uh-huh.

Could we lose both of the "goods"?

You want it to read, "Rich Eisen is a man who has done things"?

Yeah, that's better.

Two questions: What time is the banquet tomorrow, and was it just me, or did you get the sense that Emily wants me back?

7:30, and say what now?

It just feel like Emily was sending me signals.

Oh, Felix, I hate to break it to you, but I think you're in denial.

No, I'm not.

Oh, wait, am I?

(gasps): I am!

Denial, I'm in denial.

Yes!

He's a weird little man.

Okay, I call Eisen "Rich" throughout the speech.

Are we 100% sure he doesn't sometimes go by "d*ck"?

Oh, no, not the whiteboard.

Last time, he tried to teach me about Congress.

Thank you, Dani, for helping me understand my current emotional state and showing me a path to recovery.

The five stages of grief were first defined by noted psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

That chimp lady?

I am clearly grieving the death of my relationship with Emily.

But the fact that I can make that statement _

shows that I am through the first stage.

So long, denial!

_

I am no longer in you.

So all I have to do is get through the next four steps before tomorrow night's banquet, and I will be completely over Emily.

I don't think it works that way.

Maybe for chimps.

But you're a human man.

Oscar, you saw how I was after my divorce.

I was devastated for months because I couldn't let go of my grief.

I can't go through that again.

I've got to fast-forward through the pain.

I get that, but tomorrow is awfully quick.

Oh, I can do it, I can master my emotions, knock through the next four stages in the next...

26 hours and 13 minutes.

Look out, stage two, I am coming for you!

Oh, no, not the whiteboard.

Hey, Oscar, I slipped Eisen a copy of your speech last night.

And?

Ah, he hated it.

What? All it was was ass-kissing!

Well, that's the problem.

He picked you because you're rivals.

He wants it to be more like a roast.

He wants me to roast him?

Like the sun roasts his balding head?

Yeah, and then he'll come back at you with his own jabs.

Ooh, like how Oscar has a face made for radio?

(laughing)

Or how he smells like the business end of a baby?

(laughing)

Or how he looks like he's trick-or-treating as a hamper.

I don't like how quickly you're coming up with these.

I'm so angry!

I gave her a year of my life and she chewed me up and spit me out!

Why won't the universe let me find love?

Why, why, why, why, why?

This isn't working.

We've been at it for nearly an hour.

Eight minutes.

And yet I'm still angry.

I think I know why.

I think it's because my body knows that this isn't a real fight.

So I'm going to need you to fight me back, okay?

Just give me everything you've got, ready?

I'm not going to fight you, okay?

You don't even know how to defend yourself.

(laughs)

You might be surprised, huh?

Come on, come on, fight me, what?

Or are you chicken? Hmm? Who's a chicken?

I bet somebody wanted to be a real boxer, right? Huh?

Not just a boxing teacher.

And you know what they say: those who can't do...

(yelps)

(weakly): Anger... stage... complete.

"Rich Eisen is so bald, if you stare into his head, you can see the future."

(laughs): "See the future."

This is going to be the best speech ever.

He may actually cry.

Man, Oscar, you are going after this guy with both barrels.

Well, it's bad enough that he beats me in the ratings.

Now he's getting a humanitarian award?

I mean, people are going to think he's a better person than me, which is crazy, right?

Right?

Yeah, it's crazy. Crazy!

Absolutely.

I know Eisen asked for this, but I still don't get why.

Why would you want to be insulted by your rival at your own event?

Because "He's so dumb, he thinks Steph Curry is something you order at an Indian restaurant."

I'm still workshopping that one.

Hello, daytime drinkers!

Hello, Felix.

Where are the rest of the Village People?

Well, having worked my way through the anger stage, I am now in bargaining, and as such, I have made a deal with God that if I am a better person, He will stop the pain.

So I spent the entire morning out on the Expressway picking up garbage, mostly bottles and cans, and what I like to think was a very life-like prosthetic human ear.

Felix, I get the bargaining part, but I think God might have better things to do with His time.

Like finding me a boyfriend.

Or getting me a refill on my beer.

Whoa!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play cello in the lobby of the Children's Hospital.

I will be performing Tchaikovsky's Symphony in b minor, but to keep it fun for the kids, I'm doing it in C Major!

You hear that, Big Guy?

Oscar: Felix?

Hello, Oscar, my old friend.

You okay there?

You got ice cream melting on the table.

Who cares?

(both gasp)

You guys were right, I'm being ridiculous.

What's the point?

Why am I trying to get over Emily?

I never will.

And I'll never find love again.

I will always be alone.

Felix.

I know it seems rough right now, but...

(alarm buzzes)

Done with depression.

I feel so much better.

I can honestly say I'm at peace with the fact that Emily and I broke up, which means...

(laughs)

Acceptance!

Five stages complete!

And...

With an hour to spare before the banquet, which gives me time to tighten up the old pores with an Umbrian clay mask.

Oscar.

I'm worried about Felix.

That was real pain we just saw.

I think he's losing it.

You know who else is losing it?

Eisen.

If "it" was hair.

Write that down.

Hey, big guy, ready for your speech?

As long as Eisen didn't get hair plugs or his momma didn't lose any weight.

I am finally going to get the last word in.

Felix, they sat you and Emily next to each other.

You going to be okay with that?

Oh, absolutely!

I have successfully moved our relationship into "the friend zone."

Oh, good for you.

I didn't think your plan was going to work.

Now I'm sorry I called you "that looney-ass dingbat."

Anyway, I'm just glad you're doing okay.

Oh, thank you... I think it's going to be a wonderful night.

Oh, there she is!

She looks nice, doesn't she?

Tell me, was one of the five stages nausea?

Hi, everybody.

(all saying hello)

Hi, Felix.

I know that things have been a little bit weird between us, but I'm really glad that we can be here as friends.

Yes!

Friends!

♪ Keep smiling ♪
♪ Keep shining ♪
♪ Knowing you can always count on me ♪
♪ For sure ♪
♪ That's what friends are for! ♪

I am not okay.

(gasping)

I need to talk to you.

So we're pretending you didn't just chug my appletini?

Okay.

I don't think that me being here is good for Felix.

I thought that since we were such good friends before we became...

Don't say, "lovers."

...lovers... that we could just go back to the way things were.

But clearly he's not ready.

Maybe I should just go.

No, I know things are hard, but Felix is really struggling, and he worked really hard to get this far.

So if you bail now, it'll just set him back.

You're right.

Hang in there, okay?

I'm going to need you to pour the next one just right down my throat.

Dani D!

What do you want, Rich Eisen?

Just to say thank you for coming.

By the way, the door's always open if you want to come work for the number-one sports talk radio show.

Not interested.

Oscar might not have as many listeners as you, but those who do listen love him.

I wonder if they'll still feel the same way after tonight.

What you talkin' 'bout, Eisen?

Mmm.

The salad is delicious.

What are these, raisins?

Cranberries.

Oh.

Raisins!

They're red.

Are you hearing this?

What salad is she eating?

You okay, Felix?

Huh? Oh, yes, I'm fine, I'm just...

I guess maybe in racing through my stages of grief, I left a couple of drops of anger in the old t*nk, but...

Now I'm fine.

My t*nk is empty.

(voice breaking): I'm an empty shell of a man.

Whoo! Still a little bit of depression in there, too.

Know what? I'm fine, I'm going to be just fine.

Dinner and a show.

Good evening.

And thank you for joining us as we honor our Humanitarian of the Year, Rich Eisen.

(applause)

It is now my pleasure to introduce the man who will introduce "the man"...

(softly): Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You can't give your insult speech!

It's a trap!

What do you mean?!

Eisen made a weird comment to me, so I snuck a look at his speech.

He's not going to insult you, he's going to say glowing things about you!

It's a setup!

He's taking the high road!

He asks you to say mean stuff about him, and then he gets up there and turns the other cheek.

He comes off smelling like a rose to the bosses, while you smell like what you fertilize a rose with.

He's a diabolical genius.

What do I do? What do I do?

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Madison!

(applause)

I would like to say a few words about Rich Eisen.

Can't say that.

Not that.

(laughs)

Not that.

Rich Eisen... is a man... who does things...

A good man, who does good things.

Maybe it's better if I speak from the heart.

Rich is my friend.

And a better man you will never see.

Oh...

I'm going to need two seconds.

I'll be damned.

Oscar's going to out-high-road that son of a bitch.

Did he make me a better broadcaster? Sure.

But he also...

(cries)

(voice breaking): ...made me a better man.

He inspires me every day...

Wow, I've never seen Oscar so emotional.

What, a man can't express his feelings?

We have hearts, you know, broken and otherwise.

Felix, this is hard for me, too.

If you're not ready to be friends, we don't have to rush into it.

No, no, I'm good.

I just have other friends, and I'm trying to watch one of them speak right now.

And that's why not a day goes by where I don't ask myself, "What would Rich Eisen do?"

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my hero, my guiding light, Rich Eisen.

(applause)

(cheering)

You son of a bitch.

You out-high-roaded me.

Damn right.

Hurts to be the loser for once, huh?

Yeah, well, watch this.

Thank you.

But I simply cannot accept this while standing so close to someone whose dedication to the betterment of his fellow man so, so far outstrips mine.

This plaque belongs to Oscar Madison!

(applause)

Well, I just found that so inspirational that, um...

I'm going to donate $1,000 to... whatever charity this is, in the name of Rich Eisen.

A thousand dollars?

I'm going to have to book him on a hundred personal appearances.

Are you finished, sir?

No.

No!

I'm not finished.

I'm tired of other people deciding when I'm finished with something.

Felix...

No!

I was enjoying this lobster!

I maybe even loved this lobster!

We belong together, and no one can take it away from me!

Damn, why'd I order the chicken?

And that's why I vow to set up a fund in Oscar Madison's name to end the plight of homelessness once and for all.

(applause and cheering)

Anything?

You win.

I win!

You know...

For the homeless.

Felix?

You want to hand me the lobster?

That's it, nice and slow...

(moans)

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm such a fool.

No, you were just trying to take a shortcut through your pain.

I mean, I wish you could, but it doesn't work that way.

You got your heart broken, it's going to take some time.

You're right.

And listen, I'm sorry.

For what?

I saw you were struggling, but I got so caught up in the Eisen thing that I didn't help you.

So for however long it takes, I am going to get you through this.

Thank you, Oscar.

Rich Eisen may have won the award tonight, but you are the true humanitarian.

I am a good man.

Who does good things!

Isn't that Eisen's coat and scarf?

Yeah, a scarf!

I mean, he's the worst.

Do you think he'd like to take the rest of my lobster home?

What do you...

Maybe he would.

♪ That's what friends are for ♪
♪ Keep smiling ♪
♪ Keep shining ♪

Both: ♪ Knowing you can always count on me... ♪

Hey, thanks again for watching Beaches with me.

No problem... and by the way, at the end there, there was just some... dust in my eye.

Sure.

There's dust in our apartment.

So, Felix, I hesitate to ask, it's totally up to you.

Are you finished with that?

(laughs)

Yes, yes, I'm sure.

Oh, thank you.

(Emily laughs)

So what's next, Terms of Endearment?

No.

Next is The Notebook.

Then Terms of Endearment, then Beaches again.

Why do we have to go back to that one?

(crying): We already know what happens in that one.