08x06 - Thanksgiving VIII

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Ah, Thanksgiving... the sweet aroma of a home-cooked meal... that wasn't ours.

Knock, knock! Look who's here!

Hey!

[Laughs]

Can you believe it? He's back.

Look at that face!

Touch it. No!

Touch his face with your face.

Oh.

Mm, satiny!

You want to touch it, Mike?

I don't even touch Frankie's face.

He doesn't.

[Laughs]

So, Sean, it's nice to see your chin again.

To what do we owe this change?

Well, Mrs. Heck, I did great on my MCATs, and I'm waiting to hear back from med schools, and honestly, I just couldn't take the crying anymore.

It worked! [Laughs]

[Chuckles] So what's in the dish?

Ooh! This is my sweet potato casserole.

You have to make it a week before Thanksgiving 'cause the cinnamon's got to settle in just right.

But our oven's on the fritz.

That's what I get for ordering a part from [Whispers] overseas.

Would you mind terribly if I used yours?

Unless you're using it.

I am, but... this can go anywhere.

[Chuckles]

Oh, you're the best.

Okay, we got to dash.

I saw the Norwoods packing up their car, and I need them to feel Sean's face before they go.

Hey, when you see Axl, tell him I'm in town and I want to see him.

How about if you see Axl, tell him I want to see him?

[Laughter]

Seriously, Mike. This is ridiculous.

We never see him.

I thought you just saw them.

Exactly. "Them." He's never alone.

It's always him and "Ap-ril."

You got to stop saying her name like "Ap-ril."

Look, I have been trying with April.

I really have.

Like, just today, when we were waiting for Axl to buy sneakers, I thought it'd be nice to take her for ice cream.

So I order mine.

And then when the guy asks her, "What do you want?", she says... get this... "Oh, I don't like ice cream."

Who doesn't like ice cream?

It's in the song... "We all scream for ice cream."

It's not, "Some people scream and other people just watch you like you're a big pig 'cause you got three scoops."

You got three scoops?

[Scoffs] I didn't have breakfast today.

Yeah, you did.

Well, I didn't have a big one.

Yeah, you did! You finished Brick's.

Okay, I'm on a new vitamin that makes me hungry!

Look, the point is, I love our son.

I mean, he's so handsome, and he has twinkly eyes and street smarts, and if you take away his horrible disrespect for us and the fact that he likes to lay around in his underwear, he is quite a catch.

I'm sorry.

I think that he could do better than April.

See, I said it normal that time.

I can't see your face.

Can you see my finger?

♪♪

[Dramatic sigh]

Ugh.

Tough day at the office?

Ugh. Yeah. I'm exhausted.

It's already picking up for Thanksgiving, and we're short-staffed.

Andy got fired.

He kept asking female customers if they wanted smokehouse bacon.

It doesn't sound inappropriate, but if you heard the way he said it, you'd understand.

Spudsy's is hiring?

Yeah, but Edwin is really picky.

I don't understand what's so hard.

A monkey could do it.

I could do it.

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Brick, this isn't Hot Dog on a Stick.

It's real food preparation.

There's microwaves involved.

You couldn't do it.

You just said a monkey could it.

[Scoffs] I meant a highly trained monkey.

Like the ones in commercials with special talents.

Like wearing a man's suit and picking up the phone, pretending to be a stock broker.

Sue, I need cash.

Cindy wants a Fitbit for Christmas.

Yeah, I just don't think you're right for the job.

There are real safety hazards. We work with hot cheese.

Let me say this again.

Cindy wants a Fitbit, and when Cindy doesn't get what she wants, Brick doesn't get what he wants.

Reading time.

[Sighs]

♪♪

Mmm!

That smells good. What is it?

It's not ours. It's the Donahues'.

You have to go in at it from the side.

See?

You just lift the crunchy layer and you leave the corners underneath so there's support.

Just scoop it out from the middle.

Mmhmm.

And then you lay the crunchy layer back down like a little granola blankie.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Does this taste better 'cause it's wrong?

It tastes better 'cause we didn't make it.

Mmm.

Big news. I'm...

You got the job!

That was kind of my news, Mom.

Big news! I...

You got the job?

Does no one in this house understand showmanship?

Wow. So Edwin actually hired you.

That's good timing.

You must have gone in when he was really desperate.

I'm just saying. That's lucky.

[Chuckles] Good for you.

Mm. Brick, you got to go get changed.

Axl's on his way over.

We're gonna crank out the Christmas picture.

Why are we keeping up with this charade?

You're never gonna send them out.

She says this year, she is.

[Door opens]

Set your camera to "handsome"! I'm here!

Hi, everybody!

Hi! I'm April!

I-I know. It's me... Brick.

Oh.

I didn't recognize you in your uniform.

Thank you for your service.

Aww.

♪♪

[Sighs] Well, this is awkward.

What's awkward?

Shh!

Don't you see?

If April's here, she's gonna want to be in the picture.

Okay.

No, it's not okay, Mike.

This is a family Christmas picture, and she's not family.

It simply isn't done. I won't have it.

Why are you talking British?

If she tries to get in the photo, what are we gonna do, Mike?

What are we gonna do?

We don't have a plan in place for this.

We don't have a plan for how we want to handle this.

We don't have a tornado plan. Why don't we start with that?

[Scoffs] Axl: All right, Mom.

You dragged me over here. We gonna do this thing, or what?

Okay! Family is looking good.

Let's get this five-person family photo done!

April! Come on, babe! Get in here!

Um... no.

I-I couldn't.

Yes, you could! Get in here!

You should be in it. Right, Mom? Don't you think?

Pfft! Totally!

Oh, sh**t!

We're all wearing red and April isn't.

Oh! Dang it, dang it, dang it.

Well, maybe we'll catch you next year if you guys are still together.

[Laughs] Hey, look at that!

I'm wearing red!

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh!

I feel like I just won a game show.

Me too! Oh, my gosh! "April, come on down!"

[Laughs] Oh, this is great.

Oh, wait a minute. This looks boring.

Let's see. You just go here.

Yeah. And perfect!

Okay.

[Timer beeping]

[Chuckles]

I miss you. You're so far away.

You'll see her in a second.

[Beeping continues]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Aw! Everybody had their eyes closed.

You haven't even looked at it yet.

I have a bad feeling.

Yep, I was right.

Oh. This is silly. I should just take it.

Really? Oh, my God! That would be too nice.

Thank you so much!

♪♪

Okay, everybody get together. Squeeze in!

Cheese!

[Camera shutter clicks]

Sometimes, siblings working together is a beautiful thing...

Donny and Marie, Venus and Serena, The Property Brothers.

Sue and Brick... not so much.

How many pumps were you planning on there, cowboy?

One pumps? Two pumps?

I hadn't really thought about it.

Well, you kind of have to think about it, Brick.

This is not a dress rehearsal.

This is the show.

Mmhmm.

So when I ask you, "How many pumps are you planning?", you need to have an answer.

Three.

Wow!

Did you just win the lottery?

Pbht! Did you just buy Spudsy's?

[Gasps] Are we called Bricksy's now?

'Cause I can't think of any other way this place can afford to be giving away it's 20% real-cheese product.

It is one pump, one tap.

Um, Tim, your... [Feedback]

"Um"? Really?

Brick, this is a hot Mic.

You don't step up to it till you know exactly what you're going to say.

Tim, your order's ready.

Wrong!

There is a very specific script.

"Tim, your potato is ready. Your potato is ready, Tim."

You start with the name and you end with the name.

If you don't end with Tim and Tim didn't hear anything till the last word, who's getting that potato?

Not Tim!

♪♪

Man: Excuse me. Can I place my order?

Okay, I think I found a way to make it work.

I put Doris' head on April's body.

What do you think?

[Chuckles]

Why don't you put her head on all our bodies and have us playing poker?

Then at least it'll be funny.

Damn it!

I thought it was a home run.

Now we're gonna have to take it again.

[Sighs]

Why did he have to have her in the picture?

You see what's happening here, Mike?

He's cementing the relationship.

He wants her in a photo.

Then he's gonna have to have her for all the holidays.

[Gasps] Oh, my God. Thanksgiving.

All right, you know what? I'm not a bad person.

I'm not gonna say she can't come.

We have to think of a reason that she can't come that won't hurt her feelings.

We have to come up with a plan!

Why don't we ever have a plan?

We didn't have a plan for the picture.

We don't have a plan for Thanksgiving.

We got to start making plans around here.

I'll get a pen.

[Sighs]

Dad, you got to talk to Sue.

She's all over me at work.

We were introducing the new Feliz Navi-Spud and she wouldn't let me salsa any of them.

The handbook said salsa distribution was at the operator's discretion.

Why do you want to be working with your sister, anyway?

The whole reason you go to work is to get away from your family.

♪♪

Dad, you have to talk to Brick.

I would, but I'm going to work.

But wait. But it's Saturday.

[Door opens, closes]

Is it?

I...

[Axl and April laughing]

Axl? April?

Hey, you two! Aww, that's so cute.

Oh, are you shopping for Thanksgiving?

I love Thanksgiving. It's my second-favorite holiday.

After that one where people play pranks on each other?

Um... something Fool's Day.

April?

Yes?

No, I was saying "April Fool's Day"?

Oh, no. I don't have a middle name.

Well, except for Rose.

So, what are you guys up to?

April's got to get a pie to bring to her mom's for Thanksgiving.

Oh, so you're going to your parents'?

Oh, sh**t.

Mike and I were saying how great it would have been if you could have joined us for dinner this year.

Oh! That's so nice, but we're already committed.

Axl's making a salad.

You mean you're making a salad, dropping it off at her house, and then coming back to our house?

Oh. Man. Oh. I forgot to tell you.

I'm going to April's parents' for Thanksgiving.

What?

But you have to come home for Thanksgiving.

It's tradition.

Uh, we didn't do it last year.

The year before that, we went to King's Feast.

[Chuckles]

Well, what time do you eat? You can come to us after.

Ooh! And I skimmed some of the Donahues' yams, so you're not gonna want to miss that.

No can do.

Got to get to April's great aunt right after.

Right, babe?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Pencil us in right after the great aunt.

Oh, well, then we have our third Thanksgiving at Grandma Tee-Tee's.

She's losing her memory, so it's important we see her.

Or you could just tell her you saw her.

[Laughs]

♪♪

[All slurping]

[Door slams]

Okay, you're not gonna believe this.

Axl wasn't planning on coming home for Thanksgiving dinner.

What? What do you mean? He has to be here.

It's okay. I saved it. I saved Thanksgiving.

They got to see a bunch of April's family, so we're just gonna do it here at 8:00.

8:00?

That's so late. We're gonna be starving.

No, no, no, no. 8:00 a.m.

8:00 in the morning?!

Yeah. It's perfect.

We always wake up hungry. Now we can eat right away.

Why the hell would you agree to do Thanksgiving at 8:00 in the morning?

[Sighs]

Yeah, Mom. Why?

Why? I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm the Boy Mom. That's why.

I am fighting for scraps here. I got no cards, no chips.

I take what I can get.

And what I can get is fourth place behind April's parents, her great aunt, and Grandma Tee-Tee.

So if April says that Thanksgiving dinner's gonna be at 8:00 a.m., I say, "Thank you, ma'am.

I'll see you then!"

And that's the way it's gonna be from now on.

What does that mean?

It means that if they get married, do you think I'm gonna have any say in what color I wear at the wedding?

If she says yellow, I'm wearing yellow.

And when they have a baby, her mom gets first pick at the cute grandma names, like "Meemaw" and "Glamama."

You're getting a little ahead of yourself.

Am I?

When Betty Horrigan's son was getting married, she told her daughter-in-law she didn't like the calligraphy on the wedding invitations.

That was 10 years ago.

Now Betty has to hide in the woods to watch her grandson play soccer.

I still think you caved too early.

Oh, do you think that, Brick?

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think this is April's world and we're just living in it!

She's the gatekeeper now.

Ugh.

This is so unfair.

Why do our Thanksgiving plans have to be ruined just because the timing doesn't work out for "Ap-ril."

Say her name again.

April.

That's not how you said it.

You said "Ap-ril."

No, no, no. I don't think I did.

You don't like her.

No! No, no, no, no!

That's not true. I love everybody.

You don't like her!

Okay, fine!

I don't like her! There! I said it!

Thank you!

Ugh. She went to the bathroom one time and she blew her nose into my jeans.

She said, "Sorry. I thought they were a towel."

Who blows their nose into a towel?!

I don't like her, either!

Cindy said she cannot get a conversation going with her.

And Cindy can talk to anybody.

And she doesn't like ice cream.

[Gasps] [Gasps]

See?!

I mean, all I wanted was a nice Thanksgiving.

I just want to make my powder potatoes with Sue while you and Axl sit on the couch and watch sports and Brick does whatever it is he does.

Wait, he's still coming back for the Colts game that night, right?

No. He's not coming back.

Grandma Tee-Tee lives in Akron!

What? Wait, no! That is not okay!

Oh, now he wakes up!

Hey! I never liked this girl.

I liked the other ones, you know?

The... The... The smart one with the red hair and the sporty one from college.

But I never had a good feeling about this girl.

And I will tell you right now... if he doesn't come home to watch the Colts game, I don't have a son anymore.

Um, yeah, you do.

Well, buckle up, buttercup, 'cause it happened to Betty Horrigan, and it can happen to us.

♪♪

Gross. That's ours.

Thank you, And remember... consider Spudsy's for your next birthday party!

Potatoes... it's like a cupcake but from the dirt.

[Chuckles]

You're adding too many jalapeños.

Sue, I know what I'm doing.

Clearly you don't.

Stop.

There's only supposed to be one jalapeño per...

No! No!

Stop! Don't touch them with your hands!

Toby, your potato is ready. Your potato is ready, Toby.

Toby, your potato is not ready. Your potato is not ready, Toby.

Don't bring Toby into this! This is between you and me!

Why won't you let me do my job?!

I would, but it takes too...

Aah! [Groans]

What's wrong?

Jalapeño eye! It burns!

It does?

Aah!

Toby, call for help! Call for help, Toby!

[Crying] Ow!

I am very disappointed in you two.

They may tolerate these kinds of shenanigans at Shenanigans, but here at Spudsy's, the bar's a little higher.

Okay?

Now I have to go out there and give Toby a coupon for 30 cents off his next purchase.

I don't like to do that.

I swear, if I wasn't planning to fake a slip-and-fall behind the counter and take the holidays off, I'd fire you both.

[Sighs]

You were adding too many jalapeños.

He was gonna pay for the extras.

Edwin told me it was okay.

Oh.

Sue, look. I get it. You don't want me here.

Spudsy's is your turf, and I waltz in here like I've been around potatoes my whole life.

Of course you would feel threatened.

What? No, I'm not.

Then why are you always on me?

'Cause I'm responsible for you, Brick.

Okay, yes, it's true. I didn't want you here.

But it's just because it's exhausting watching and worrying about you all the time.

Who said you had to watch me?

Frankie: If you're going to the park, watch your brother!

Before you get in the pool, watch and make sure he takes the rocks out of his pockets!

Watch him at the hamburger place!

Last time, he ate a wet nap!

It's always been my job to watch out for you.

I guess it's just a hard habit to break.

Yeah, but I'm in high school now.

I have a friend. I have a girlfriend.

I have a font club.

I never want you to stop looking out for me.

It's just I think maybe you can step back a little bit 'cause... I got it.

♪♪

Where'd all the bacon bits go?

Oh. I ate them.

What?

Oh.

You said I could have a shift meal.

[Sighs]

You ate five pounds of bacon bits?

My mom ate my breakfast.

You are a freaky little dude.

♪♪

Okay, Axl's coming over and we're taking another cr*ck at the Christmas photo.

And shut up. I am sending it out!

Okay, well, won't April be with him?

No. I took care of that.

I texted him that Dad's having chest pains and that he should come alone 'cause he knows Dad wouldn't be comfortable dying in front of strangers.

[Door opens]

Mom! Mom! [Breathing heavily]

Where's my chair?

What?

You texted me, "Dad has chair plans."

I texted, "Dad has chest pains."

Oh, my God. So I'm not getting a chair?

Just put on the shirt.

We're retaking the Christmas picture.

But I thought Dad had chest pains.

Y... False alarm. You know your dad.

He's very dramatic.

I've got the trunk open for the chair, but there's a big engine in the way.

Wasted trip. They're not getting me a chair.

We just got to take this stupid picture.

Um, nope. Never mind. You were right.

I was never gonna send it anyway, so...

You two are free to go. I'll see you on Thanksgiving.

I don't know how hungry we're gonna be at 8:00, but you can always take leftovers to your grandma.

Grandma?

Yeah. Grandma Tee-Tee.

Oh! [Chuckles]

We just call her Grandma Tee-Tee.

She was really our babysitter.

So she's not actually related?

Oh, no. She is.

To somebody. Just not to us.

[Chuckles]

Well, we got stuff to do.

We're not gonna hang around if there ain't no chair in it for me.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Door closes]

Are you kidding me?

We're eating at the cr*ck of dawn so they can go to Akron to see her babysitter?

She's not even related!

And, by the way, not a good babysitter 'cause she obviously dropped April on her head a few times.

Try a few hundred times.

So, this girl just controls everything now?

She's calling the sh*ts? Is that what's happening?

I mean, I would get it if she's some great catch, but she's not.

Axl could have had his pick of anyone and he picks April?

She's a moron, an idiot.

If breathing wasn't a*t*matic, she'd be dead!

♪♪

Axl. Oh, God.

[Sighs]

No. It's out there now, so I'm just gonna say it.

This is not the girl for you.

You are special.

You are special, Axl, and April is just not!

Yes, she's nice and innocent and she's got big eyes and she's like a baby deer in human form, but she's not good enough for you!

And, yeah, I'm the Boy Mom, and I should just shut up and smile and wear yellow, but not for this girl.

I will not stand by quietly and watch you make the biggest mistake of your life.

She is not the one for you, Axl! She's not the one!

♪♪

[Door closes]

[Yawns] It's still dark outside.

Are we really doing this?

Of course!

It's good 'cause then we'll be hungry for leftovers by lunch.

Oh! We should do this every year.

I think I love it!

No, no, no, no.

Let's wait till they get here.

[Sighs]

Well, you know, Axl's late for everything.

He was late coming out, and that was no picnic.

[Laughs]

[Clears throat]

Do you think maybe he's not coming?

What? Because of yesterday?

No!

That's just how we are.

He calls me gross, and I say his girlfriend isn't good enough for him.

It's banter.

We're very Italian and Jewish that way.

We speak with our hands, and we're passionate.

We say things we shouldn't and then we're fine!

[Clears throat]

[Sighs] Well... maybe we should just start eating.

Before everything gets cold.

He won't mind.

♪♪

And thank you, Lord, for giving us Sean's face back.

[Chuckles]

And for the Hecks, the best neighbors in the world, who let us use their oven to enjoy your beautiful bounty.

All: Amen.

Okay.

Let's dig in!

Oh!

This looks so good!

Smells delicious!

[Air hisses]

Shelly: Mom?

It's gone.

[Air hisses]

Nancy: Weird.

Um... Mom.

♪♪