02x05 - Dinner Professor Steps Lesbian

[bunniefuu]

(doorbell rings)

I think it's cute.

Tyler and Clementine's first dinner party as a married couple, and we're the ones they invited?

Yeah, I think there was another couple that was supposed to come, but they had freshman orientation.

(door opens)

Wow, look at you!

Hey, guys!

Matthew, Colleen, glad you could make it.

Welcome to our home of Tyler's parents.

Mmm.

Well, this is the best tiny cup of soup in a cucumber I've ever had.

It's vichyssoise.

We're both really into French cuisine.

Oh.

We're Francophiles.

That means that we love anything French.

Mm.

All couples need to have something to share.

We also love animals... all pets, really.

I guess you could call us pet-o-philes.

(chokes and clears throat)

I don't think we're going to call you that.

Here's a nickel's worth of free advice for when you guys get married.

Listen closely.

Okay.

Are you listening?

Oh, yeah.

Communication is everything.

We believe in total honesty.

Clementine knows my entire romantic history.

You have no romantic history.

And she knows that.

Yeah, see, it just, it gets a little bit more complicated when you get older and you've lived separate lives.

Matt's right... there are some secrets that just don't need to be shared.

Secrets? I didn't say anything about secrets.

Details, I meant.

Like details, secrets are all just things you want to keep to yourself.

Should we open that wine?

Oh, we can't drink, but we do have some delicious sparkling cider.

Clementine: Oh, honey, did we put that on ice?

Well, I-I was saving it for the second course, but what the heck, let's live dangerously, right?

Open the 2016!

Whoo!

Oh, honey, I love your pommes frites.

Thank you.

You know what I love about you? You know, sometimes you say the word "secrets" when you really mean details.

Oh, you still haven't let that go?

Mmm.

Hey, we know a great communication game.

It's for solving fights in your bunk at camp, but it also works for married couples, and you guys will be joining the club soon.

Tyler: Matt will be the vault, Clementine will be the banker, and Colleen is the customer.

And then the secret is the money.

So I'm the guard, so I stand here and block you until you're ready to give the money to the banker, who then knocks three times.

Okay.

I had a sugar daddy.

No, first you tell the banker.

(stammers): You had a sugar daddy? When?

In college... I answered an ad.

It was 100 bucks an hour to be a companion to a sweet old man.

He was losing his sight and wanted me to read him the classics.

Matt: Uh...

How is that a sugar daddy?

Did I leave out that I was naked?

Yes, yes, you did.

Yeah.

See, that's the kind of thing that a banker could've stored in a fund in order to...

You know, I robbed the bank, Tyler.

Game over.

I don't see what the big deal is.

She read naked to some old guy.

Exactly.

I think that crosses a line.

Well, we don't always have to agree.

I disagree.

In our wedding vows, you promised to respect me.

And you promised to respect me.

You said it first.

I know.

The one who says it last is the respecter.

You're the respecter.

Clementine: You are, I'm older.

Stop rubbing that in my face, will you?

You said it didn't bother you.

I was lying! Do you know how it feels to know that your wife has had one more Christmas than you?

I thought that we were always honest with each other.

Tyler: How can I be honest when you're always crying?

(crying): I am not always crying!

You are acting like a child, not the teenage boy that I married!

Where are you going?

To Mr. Murphy's.

Oh, our tenth-grade English teacher.

Clementine: Kevin always said I could stay there if I needed to.

Kevin?

Mm-hmm.

Well, someday, I'll have a pool in my apartment complex, too.

(smoke alarm beeping)

Uh, hey, you guys.

Tyler: Oh, no! My frog legs!

I'm sorry we had our first fight in front of you guys.

You open to a little advice from a non-married couple?

I don't know what you could teach us, but sure.

Remember that you're talking to someone that you love.

Colleen: And stick to "I" statements, like, "I felt hurt when you called me a fart face."

Mmm.

Give it a try.

Clem, I...

If you go to Mr. Murphy's house, I swear to God, I will write a song eviscerating him.

Don't use your music as a w*apon.

I don't want to, but you're making me.

You are your own man, Tyler.

No, I'm your man, Clementine.

Ooh, all right.

Okay.

Uh, you know what?

Thank you so much.

You can just let us show ourselves out.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to go.

We just have something we have to do in my room.

Meet you back in 45?

Bon appétit!

45 minutes!

45...

That's impressive!

Maybe they do have something they can teach us.

Joan: I think I got it, John.

I mean, I think I finally figured out how to get rid of this awful anxiety.

I'm going to try and write a novel.

That's great!

Is it about a horse that dies?

Because those are the only good ones.

No.

It's about an older woman's sexual reawakening when she falls in love with a Colombian drug lord.

She's a speech therapist, and she's helping him with his stutter, and it's called Te, Te, Te, Te Amo.

Oh.

Are there mules in it? Because they could die.

No, no, no, here, look.

I've applied to a creative writing class at the college.

Mm-hmm.

And I had to submit a sample, and now I'm waiting to see if I got in.

I wouldn't keep my hopes up too much, Joanie, but if you don't get in, you can always, uh, write me notes to remember to take my pills.

"She gently cupped his cheek. You will overcome this stutter. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. He looked at her, eyes blazing. 'N-n-n-n-not in mine,' he sort of replied."

Can you explain this, Joan?

Uh, not really.

In a word, I'd say your writing is excellent.

Oh, my!

But in many words, I'd say it's very, very excellent.

(gasps)

Like a fierce, taloned bird by whom I want to be mauled.

Oh, thank you!

Hm.

I'm terrified of birds.

Our lives are a story, Joan.

And if you want the pages to flitter effortlessly...

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Yes.

Uh, no, I want the bread toasted, please... thank you.

But seriously, great meeting you, and, uh...

Oh, blast! Can I borrow your phone charger, by any chance?

Oh, of course.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

(smartphone beeps)

Do you want me to wait while you charge your phone?

Hmm?

Well? What's the verdict?

I didn't get in.

Oh, Joanie.

Because the professor invited me to join his advanced writing workshop!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's great!

(trash bag rustling)

I had a hunch.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, I feel so hopeful!

He called my writing delightfully inappropriate.

Your professor is a he?

In college now, the kids don't say "he" or "she."

They say, "ze," and I don't appreciate what you're insinuating about zim.

The only reason men write books or buy books or read books is to get laid.

I read that.

He's a college professor.

If he wanted to seduce a student, I think he'd pick someone who didn't have to take the silver edition One-a-Days.

She wrote a, uh, brilliant book on existential poetry called, W, X, Why Me?

It was a follow-up to her debut novel, Tears of a Yak.

Have you read that?

Oh, no, I've heard of it.

Oh, yes, it's magnificent...

I'll get you a copy, you have to read it.

Joan: Oh, thank you!

It's a very quick read.

John, what are you doing here?

Well, can't an old quarterback pick up his cheerleader from school?

What am I supposed to do with my car?

You must be John.

Sinclair Wild.

I'm Joan's professor.

He's also an author.

Well, I suppose I have hatched a few novels.

You may have read my Cliff Notes for the Twilight series.

Uh...

No?

Anyway, I'm your wife's biggest fan.

Oh, no.

Same here, that's why I married her.

Yes, well, that's, that's quite a visual.

I wish my phone was charged so I could take a picture of it.

That ought to hold you till we get to the bathroom at the gas station.

Oh, yeah, he definitely wants to sleep with you.

At least go up your shirt over your bra.

John, what are you doing?

Why are you acting like this?

I just can't see why you'd be accepted to the advanced class.

I love you, Joanie, but you're not writing literature here, you're writing horseless smut.

Oh, that's a terrible thing to say.

I'm so sick of your horses, and Black Beauty didn't win the Nobel Prize, no matter what you say!

(car horn beeps)

John: Go around!

I'm old and reading.

Joanie.

I owe you a big apology.

I was wrong to judge your book by its cover.

And the cover was just the beginning.

Yes, that's how books work, John.

I finished it in the bathroom.

I stayed way past the flush, Joanie, and that's got to mean something.

You're a real writer... a good one.

Thank you, and you're a real horse's ass... a good one.

Yeah, I know, I guess I just didn't like the idea of, of you discussing loins and such with another man.

Unless it's our butcher.

Because he's gay, of course.

And I realize now that your professor, all he was after was your brilliant mind.

Thank you.

And our butcher is not gay.

But he's always talking about pounding chuck.

What?

I thought that was his boyfriend.

(laughing)

Next, Marcus.

Ashante's Inferno.

Was both senseless and pointless, so a vast improvement on your previous work.

Luckily for all of us, we had another gripping submission from Joan.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, everybody, for reading it.

Thank you Joss for... signing.

Man: I have to say, Joan, I just loved how you employed smell and taste to build tension to Santiago gently undressing Daisy with the tip of his machete.

I think that's a very male reading.

(robotically): You're right, and I apologize.

Ze and ze each have a point, but I think what I'm hearing, Joan writes with such an honest ferocity, that we get to see the world through her curious and stimulating, erotic gaze.

Oh, no.

Hey, did you find someone to translate your ankle tattoo?

Yes, it turns out it means "processed wheat."

Hi, we miss you.

How's China?

It's amazing... I mean, I wouldn't trade the experience for all the tea here.

Really just immersing myself as much as I can into everything Chinese.

Well, say ni hao to Daddy.

What does that mean?

Uh, hey, listen.

Thanks for, uh, taking the time off work to cover for me while I work on my CryTunes prototype.

Yeah, of course.

I love spending time with Lark.

Today, we discovered that she hates broccoli.

Oh, what?

I wanted to be there when she tried broccoli for the first time.

Oh.

Gosh.

What else did I miss?

Uh, just that she loves to throw the things she hates.

Anyway, that's the rumor about Rod Stewart.

I don't believe it personally, but there it is.

Wait, what?

Did you just take a step?

Oh, my God, you did!

You are walking, you are legit walking!

Yeah, come to Mommy!

(shrieks delightedly)

(laughing): Oh, my God, you did it! You walked!

I cannot wait to tell Daddy that you just took your first steps.

Oh, no.

I mean, Greg was upset about missing broccoli.

How's he going to feel about her first steps?

Oh, I feel for you, sister.

You're going to have two crying babies.

And the worst part is, like, I encouraged him to go.

Hey, you know what you do?

Hm?

When he comes back and she does it, pretend it's the first time.

I lie to Tim constantly.

It's really the secret to a healthy marriage.

Watch this... hey, babe?

You are smoking hot in that t*nk top.

It's why I wear it, babe, for you.

Yeah, you do... see?

Wow.

Yep.

Hey, baby, Daddy will be home in a few days.

Wow, look at her go!

She's really ready to walk.

Yeah, hey, did you find someone to translate your ankle tattoo?

Yes, it turns out it means "processed wheat," which I think is just as cool as, you know, "power and respect."

Totally.

Greg: So, anything new happening with Lark today?

Hmm? New?

Um, hmm, can't really think of anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, she's really just a very average baby.

I mean, you know, she can sit up for ten minutes, but so can my purse, big whoop, you know?

(Lark giggling)

Hey, whoa, wait a minute, what was that?

There's a raccoon in the house, I got to go.

Okay, I love you, bye-bye!

Jen: Okay, Daddy's car just pulled up, so he cannot find out that you took your first steps.

I put your right shoe on your left foot and your left shoe on your right foot.

I'm not a bad mother, but I'm just trying to be a good wife.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, all right.

All right, guess who's home!

Where are my girls?

Welcome home!

Hi!

Hello!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Are you seeing these first steps?

Because these are the first of the...

For the very, very first time.

First time I'm seeing them.

Come to Daddy!

Go on, go on.

Come, big...

Go on.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my goodness!

Look at my little marathon runner with her first steps.

Yes!

I mean, those were her first steps, right?

Yeah, bro.

(mumbles): Ja-wa.

Did you hear that?

What?

She said her first word!

Well, I don't know if that counts as a word.

Let's see if she can use it in a sentence.

Jawa!

The desert scavengers that sold R2-D2 and C3PO to Uncle Owen and Luke Skywalker on their home planet of Tatooine!

Yes.

I think she's ready.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go get the Star Wars DVD.

I mean, can you believe it?

Her first steps and now her first word in the same day!

Okay, now listen to me.

Daddy can never know that I showed you Star Wars last night.

Yoda.

(whispers): Damn it!

Kissing a girl's just like kissing a guy.

Except when you do it in public, dudes buy you stuff.

Yeah.

Dougie's never called a house meeting before.

I wonder what this is about.

I think it's about that passed out guy she dragged in here last night.

He never left.

Oh, I bet she wants to start a chore wheel.

Whew.

Whew.

I ran all the way up the stairs.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to have a heart-to-heart with Pastor Todd.

There's something I need to confess to the both of you.

Stand by for the location of the body.

So last night I was knee deep in Wang.

You guys have met Wang Carlson from Daewoo.

Quiet guy.

In fact, I'm only guessing at his name and job.

Anyway, in the middle of round three, something struck me.

And then you struck back, but it was harder than you intended and now it's just too late?

Need you to brace yourself.

Okay.

Oh, God.

I'm gay.

I know.

(both sigh)

I know!

The girl version is called lesbian.

Dougie, wow, this is huge news.

I know, it's so shocking.

I-I-I've been hiding it pretty well, I mean, even from myself.

I had no idea.

I have just been bagging D after D, after D, after D, and not even thinking about it.

I guess I was just stuffing it deep down.

Well, thanks for trusting us enough to share this, Dougie.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Hey! Congratulations!

We're so excited!

Oh, man, there's a lot of...

Whoa!

Whoa!

A lot of joy in that hug.

All right.

Whoo!

Oh, uh, quick Q.

Do either of you know how to start a lesbian journey?

I don't know how this works.

I've never even kissed a girl before.

Well, we could do a ladies night out at my favorite lesbian bar.

Yeah!

What?

Why do you have a favorite lesbian bar?

It's by the airport.

That wasn't an answer to my question.

Colleen: All right, Dougie.

Let's get you kissing a girl!

Yeah.

Whoo!

I'm kind of nervous, though.

I've never had a sexual encounter that wasn't rage fueled.

Kissing a girl's just like kissing a guy.

Except when you do it in public, dudes buy you stuff.

Heather: W-W-Wait.

You've kissed a girl?

Yeah.

Got through all of college without paying for an appetizer.

Colleen: You know, I thought I was a lesbian for a year, but it turns out I was on the wrong anti-depressants.

You were on anti-depressants?

Yeah.

Oh!

You guys are so lucky!

I-I didn't have any wild years.

You know, once in college I thought I was kissing a girl, but it was just Tim with a ponytail.

Jen: Uh-oh. Okay, Dougie.

Yep... oh, things are getting very exciting.

What?

You see this girl?

She just checked you out.

The one that I'm very obviously pointing at and now waving at and I'm making it way too awkward for you not to go talk to.

Is she your type?

Mm, she'll do.

I'm looking for a job, not a career.

This is for you, Pastor Todd.

Oh, right! Pastor Todd!

(grunts)

Whew!

My pants feel tight.

They're not tight.

You want to unbutton just the top?

Colleen: Good luck!

You look pretty, if that's your goal.

Hey.

Did you guys see that?

Yeah.

She thinks I am a lesbian!

Yeah.

Wait until I tell the moms at wine club.

Wine club is what we call book club when we're not being all Oprah about it.

Maybe Dougie's not the only one dipping her toe in that lady pool tonight.

Me?

Oh, no, come on, you guys, that's cheating.

No!

Uh-uh.

Every time Tim pours me a second glass of wine, he always tells me how beautiful you think my skin is.

Something tells me he won't mind.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, because I-I think I might want to go over there and ask that woman at the pool table where she got her jeans.

I'm going to text him right now, just see if he's cool with that.

(phone makes texting sounds)

What'd he say?

"Please kiss a woman.

On my way!"

Where'd you grow up?

I grew up in North Carolina.

Can I kiss you?

Uh, I, uh, grew up here.

Wow. Here in this bar?

Yeah.

(laughter)

Can I kiss you?

Stop asking if you can kiss me.

It's weird.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really nervous.

This is my first full day of being an out, gay lesbian.

Oh, well, that's awesome.

Congrats!

Thank you.

You're-you're awesome.

Can I kiss you?

Okay.

I felt like we had a moment.

I should've known that you got those in Europe because of all the zippers.

You can touch them if you want.

(laughs nervously)

I have to tell you that I am not really gay.

I-I thought that it might be exciting to kiss a woman.

So this is all a game to you?

We're not a zoo exhibit.

No!

Of course not!

No, you... you're in your natural habitat, roaming free!

I can't find anyone to lesbian kiss me.

Oh...

Colleen: Any luck?

Totally struck out.

Am I not appealing to women?

You're appealing to me.

I don't really... oh!

Ooh.

(sighs)

Did you guys just hear that?

That is the sound of my lady cork popping.

Colleen: Yay, Dougie.

Come on, I'll buy you a sh*t.

Come on.

Okay.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

How was that kiss?

Not bad.

Yeah.

Wow!

Have you ever noticed how pretty Colleen's skin is?

How does my hair look?

Straight.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

(panting)

Please tell me I didn't miss my wife kissing a girl.

Yeah, I kissed her, and our mons pubises almost touched.

All right.

It's not exactly what I was picturing, but I can make it work.

Heather!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

How do you feel?

I thought I'd have this huge rush of confidence, like when you do an epi pen for fun, but I'm still nervous.

That's totally normal. Putting yourself out there is hard. Especially when, yesterday, you didn't even know who yourself was.

Aw... Thanks, Colleen. You're such a good friend, but, I'm sorry, it's not going to go past this. I need someone real hot.