01x07 - The Riddle Within the Trash

[bunniefuu]

[Nasally] ♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet, yeah, the sooo... ♪

There's a warble in the mike. Are you picking up on that?

Are you planning on singing?

No, no, no, no.

I just want to be prepared for all possibilities, so...

Hey! Oh, my God. No, you're early!

This isn't what it's gonna look like, okay?

This is all gonna be top shelf.

And there's gonna be a water-bottle display on each of the three pillars, and I've hired this woman to literally walk around and create small-talk.

I got some big news for the both of us.

You ready for this?

I don't know.

Don't be scared.

Okay. Okay.

It's going to be good.

"New York Magazine."

No!

Yes!

Don't do that.

I'm sorry.

But I pitched your idea to these editors, and they loved it.

So they want it ready to print ASAP.

Oh, my God... okay, I've... I'm blind.

You are?

I can't see.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

I have too much work to do, and I can't see. I'm kidding.

I can see, but I need to get back to work right now.

Go for it.

Thank you so much.

Alanna, yeah, no. Why are you touching the... we said just touch from the top.

When you touch anywhere lower, we get fingerprints.

Nothing was stolen.

I mean, nothing was even moved.

I just feel like whoever made this note must be a professional, right?

Well, the way I see it is you got two choices.

You, uh, you do what they say and stop, or you say screw those guys and you keep digging.

Well, I mean, I can't just stop.

Yeah.

All right, that's my girl.

Should we check out this cult?

I m... I mean, I already did that.

Yeah, but did you go through their trash?

No.

Well, if you want to know what somebody's up to, you got to take a look at what they're throwing away.

Mm, really?

Hey, that's the kid from the fishing trip, huh?

Yeah, that was the priest's son.

And who's that?

Uh, we used to be lovers. Hey, guys in the back.

Can we please use the most recent version of the slide show?

I've asked you to remove this fellow upwards of two to three times.

Thank you!

Yeah, sorry. We just got out of a relationship.

I'm kind of, like, back in the single game, and...

I feel you. Me too. It sucks.

Oh, so y... you're single.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Here we are... two single men.

Mm.

Well, I have a big question to ask you.

Okay, ask me.

Why this? Why water?

Uh, wow.

Um, the political answer... someone has to.

Right.

You know, someone has to.

Um, but the real answer [Laughs] if I'm being honest, um, survivor's guilt.

Oh, right. I was gonna ask about that.

Do you feel comfortable talking about it?

Do I feel comfortable talking about the moment when my mom got the call that her son had stage-four lymphoma?

Mm.

Or when I found out that my sophomore year in high school might be my last year on Earth?

Yeah, no, I actually do feel comfortable talking about that.

What I would rather talk about is the moment where I realized that I am not the only one in pain.

And [bleep] me for not realizing it sooner.

Dina, do you think you could, like, zhoosh it a little bit more?

Yeah.

'Cause I feel a little bit like... krrkk, you know?

Hi, Dunky!

Uh, can we have a second?

Sure.

Bye.

What's up?

Really great scene earlier.

Thank you.

You're k*lling it.

Um, remember what I said earlier?

Garcia confronts the serial k*ller?

Um, yeah. I'm, like, so excited.

Well, uh, I just want you to be ready that when that happens, Garcia dies.

What?

I'm s... I'm sorry.

Did you just say that I die?

It's just where the story was going, and I think Kippy pitched it.

Kippy?!

And then we were like, "Yes," and it just sort of all came together.

It just made sense.

I just... I'm sorry.

I thought I was, like, an incredible actor.

Oh, you are.

It's just that the show needs you to die.

[Voice breaking] Is there, like, a SAG-AFTRA representative who I can talk to?

There's no room for a discussion on this, Portia.

I'm sorry.

[Crying]

Um, I'm just gonna leave this here.

Come on.

Pia?

Dory!

Hi.

You're back.

Yeah, what are you doing here?

I'm so happy to see you.

Why are you, um, cleaning the floor with a toothbrush?

I wanted to, for Edwin.

It's the least I could do.

Are you here to see Brick?

No. Actually, no.

I think I left my wallet here last night, so we just came by just to... just to check.

We?

Dory, are you here with someone else?

No. No, I am not. No. I just...

I didn't mean to...

[Whistles, clicks tongue]

Who is that?

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry to bother you. Have a nice day!

Keith: All right, come on, come on.

Edwin! Brick!

They're taking our trash!

Go, go, go, go go!

[Sighs]

What's this?

Uh, my girlfriend left those for all the neighbors.

We just wanted to let everybody know we had a break-in last night.

We wrote them in English and Spanish, so...

You should get a w*apon, just in case.

I have a bat.

I have something way better.

[Classical music playing]

Mom.

Oh!

I keep forgetting you have your own key.

They're k*lling Garcia.

Who's Garcia?

My character on "Surviving Essex."

Oh! I thought you were talking about a real person.

No, Mom. Like, I don't get to do the show anymore.

What did you do wrong?

I didn't do anything wrong. They love me.

No, let's be real, Portia.

If they liked you, they would've kept you alive and talking.

Mom, that's not how television works, okay?

The creators have a story that they have to tell, and sometimes they k*ll their most beloved characters off to keep people entertained.

Well, if you're going to defend them, I don't know what position you want me to take in this matter.

I just came here 'cause I thought you could give me, like, a little sympathy.

Oh, boo hoo. I mean, really, come on.

Your character didn't make a lick of sense.

I mean, here you are, this privileged white person from the Upper West Side playing an illegal immigrant who somehow gets a job with the NYPD?

I mean, you're basically stealing from the Latina community.

You watched it.

Well...

This is starting to feel a little useless.

You know, that's the thing about P.I. work is there's a lot of dead ends.

And then you're sitting outside in your car for the 15th straight hour, sick off deli coffee and... you know, you want to give up, thinking about how your dad never forgave you for not taking over the family business, and then boom... it just comes to you, you know?

You put it all together and you figure out how to find that scared little girl and bring her back home to her family, safe and sound.

And you remember why you're doing it to begin with, and that it's okay to be a lone wolf.

That's a little cheesy.

Sorry.

No, no.

Nah.

That's great.

Yeah, I don't know. You want another beer?

Yeah.

Yeah?

All right.

Here.

Thanks.

[Electricity crackles]

Jesus.

Hey, why do you even have a taser?

My aunt had it when she thought her life was in danger, but she doesn't need it anymore. She's dead.

Could you not touch all my crap?

What are you doing?

So I looked it up, and the taser's worth $500, so I'm either gonna take one big thing that's equal to that or a bunch of small things that add up to that.

Okay?

No, you're not.

Okay? Can you just take this back, then?

Because I actually bought my stuff 'cause I like my stuff.

I don't like this. Take this.

No, we're already doing this.

Okay.

How much is this? It's cute.

Maybe I can wear it to lunch next week when I finally meet my dad.

Jesus.

Would you please put that back, okay?

That's my girlfriend, Dory's.

You don't have to look away.

They're just human tits.

I know I don't have to look away.

I just prefer not to see your breasts.

[Chuckles] Look. Turn around.

[Sighs]

So, who do you think looks better, me or your girlfriend?

I think that you both have a certain charm.

Can you please take that off?

Okay.

Jesus.

Woman: Our mission at Pour is to provide clean and healthy water for villages in Uganda. With your help, we can change the landscape of Africa and leave a legacy of life for tomorrow. Because we all speak the language of friendship. Thank you in advance for your support.

All: Thank you!

[Applause]

Thank you guys so much. Whoa.

[Giggles] Sorry.

It's like I've never been onstage before.

[Laughter]

I have. I have been onstage.

Don't make me list my credits, um, I was Mack the Kn*fe onstage 13 years ago in my high school production of "Threepenny Opera", bitch.

[Laughter]

Uh, what I do want to say is that when you take a sip of water tonight, I want you to feel [bleep] guilty.

[Laughter]

In all seriousness, we do need your help.

We really do.

We raised enough money to get here, tonight, but tonight-tonight, we need to raise enough money to make clean water in Africa a reality.

Okay.

If you guys are with me, let's do this.

Okay? Invest in Pour.

So how long have you and this Dory chick been together?

I don't know, about three years.

Why?

What do you mean, "why"?

I do not see you two together, dude.

Um...

I mean, like, we're really good friends, so we're really comfortable with each other, if that's what you mean.

Sounds like you don't [bleep].

No, we do.

Yeah, yeah. We definitely do.

Not a lot lately, I guess, 'cause things have been pretty stressful around here, but, uh... we do.

[Grace Mitchell's "Runaway" plays]

♪ I see myself in your hazy eyes ♪
♪ Hands on my side, moves just like mine ♪

I really like this song.

I like songs that take you there, you know?

Yeah.

Wait, didn't you say you found a piece of a check earlier?

Can I see it?

Yeah.

This one?

Yeah.

TW Brownway.

I'm a head Realtor at TW Brownway.

Wait, TW Brownway.

That's the company that that crazy lady Lorraine I was telling you about... that's the company that she worked for.

Huh.

Maybe she actually did know something.

Yeah, no, no, no. That's interesting.

TW Brownway is real estate, so...

I don't know, maybe they own the Bellow & Hare building?

Yeah, but then why would TW Brownway be sending a check to the cult?

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

[Breathes in deeply] Ooh, you feel that?

Hairs on the back of your neck standing up on end.

What does Dory do to turn you on?

[Sighs] Uh, I don't know.

Does she dance for you?

Yeah, like weddings.

Does she bite your lip?

No, but I understand what you're talking about.

Does she sit on your big, fat snake?

You're a nice guy.

I'm tired of not knowing where all the nice guys are.

Yeah, I have a girlfriend, so I can't, uh, do this.

So does everybody.

[Sighs]

You got to go.

I've never been more disrespected in my life.

[Music continues]

This is crazy, right?

Yeah.

This is... this is really good.

Yeah.

You don't think it's just, like, a coincidence, right?

No, no. You do this stuff long enough, you realize there's no such thing as coincidence.

In fact, you know what I think?

What?

sh*t, I'm gonna get myself in trouble here.

No, why?

I just can't stop looking at you.

Oh.

♪ What if we just want to dance? ♪

I just find you stunning.

If you knew all the things I want to do to you right now...

[Sighs]

♪ What if we want to dance?

♪ Nothing else matters, anyway ♪
♪ So let's run away ♪

You like that?

Oh.

Me and my buddies all got it.

I can't tell you what it means, though, 'cause, you know, we took an oath.

No, you don't have to tell me. It's okay.

So sexy.

[Cellphone ringing]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t. I got to take this.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, huh?

Oh, God damn it. That was today?

Oh, well, isn't that perfect?

You know what, though? Steven is not her father.

No... hey!

Calm the [bleep] down!

Hello? God!

[Sighs]

Really sorry about that.

Oh.

You know, that's not the way that I wanted to, you know, tell you...

I... is everything okay?

No, it's my ex-wife.

Oh, right.

I have a daughter, Caitlin.

Mm.

Here, I got a picture of her on here.

It's a while ago. They grow up really fast.

Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah.

You know, I probably, uh...

I probably shouldn't say this so directly, but I'm really starting to fall for you.

Wow.

I know, I know. No, no, hey.

That's quick.

No...

I know, I know.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very... it's very soon, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But you don't have to say anything.

Okay, all right I won't. No.

Don't say anything.

You just let it marinate.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

You want to join me in the shower?

No, I'm okay, actually.

You sure?

I think I'm just gonna, like, chill here and look at my phone.

Okay.

Yep.

Oh, hey. You know, I was thinking, TW Brownway... they cut rebate checks for taxes, so it's possible that could be a coincidence, but I think we should check it out anyway.

Yeah, sure.

[Water running]

You sure you don't want to join?

I got a real nice body wash.

Smells like grapes.

♪

[Keys clatter]

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, neighbor came over earlier, gave us a taser.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Hey, you think it'd be good for us to have this, right?

You know, so I can protect us.

Yeah.

Um, so I ordered some Brooklyn Soul.

I wasn't sure if you're hungry.

Oh.

If you want any, it should be here soon.

That was nice of you.

Uh, yeah, I just kind of want to take a shower and get into my PJs, you know?

Okay, yeah.

Hey, Dory, I got to tell you something.

Um, okay, so, you know the neighbor came over with the taser.

Um, and I didn't invite her over or anything like that.

She just came and was, like, hanging out, and then one thing led to another and she put on some music, and, uh, she started dancing.

You know, like sexy dancing.

Okay.

And that was it.

I mean, she put on the music, and then she started, like, moving around the living room with her hips and stuff like that, and she, you know, came close to me, but then when I started to realize what had happened, I stopped the music and I kicked her out.

And that's it.

There was no kissing or anything... anything like that.

It was just that... dancing and then she's out.

[Crying]

Oh, my God. Dory, are you upset?

No.

Hey, hey, look. I'm so sorry.

Nothing happened. I promise.

No, I know. It's okay.

I am so sorry.

I swear, I would never do anything to hurt you.

I'm so sorry. I messed up.

I'm just tired. I'm just really tired.

Are you sure?

I promise you.

You can tell me if you're mad at me.

No. No.

It's okay. I understand.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm just tired.

You sure?

Yeah.

So what's next for the great Elliott Goss?

[Sighs] You know, I just want to be good to myself.

You know, maybe drink a little too much tonight, find a heated pool, invite a friend.

You want me to be your friend?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, one last question.

Mm.

Um, you said in your sophomore year of high school, you developed cancer, right?

Mm-hmm.

It was like... it was like 15?

15, yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were bedridden with stage-four lymphoma while playing the physically challenging lead role of Mack the Kn*fe.

Okay, so... so I was 16.

You were 16. You were 16.

16.

Oh, my gosh.

Always switch those two.

Totally understand.

Well, I'm just going to write that down and check in with your family, your friends, and your doctors just to make sure that everything is squared away.

You know, like the truth.

Hmm. [Chuckles]

'Cause I feel that our readers are gonna want to know who you really are.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's right over there.

Yeah, I'm gonna pop out, but you hang out.

Thanks.

And I'll be right back.

Do you want another one?

Yes.

I would love one. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

[Breathing heavily]