01x07 - Last Day on Earth

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I made you this.

Oh, um, I made you this.

I been trying to make contact for years.

They still don't want me.

Oh, you have a little...

Ozzie: You got some information on Jonathan Walsh?

Let me grab a pen.

Subject number 28409... I'm hearing there's a wrinkle?

I'm on it.

Good.

Because if you can't handle it, we will.

Gerry: I've pored over hundreds of cryptic police reports and discovered a distinct pattern.

[Electricity crackling]

Based on average temperature, the Earth's angle to the sun, and Beacon's longitude and latitude...

[Electricity crackles]

I've accurately predicted the day, within a window of 2 1/2 hours, when the next visitation will take place.

According to my data, nobody who's ever been taken on that day has ever come back, and guess when that day is.

Today!

Today?

And guess who'll be there to greet them.

Me!

You?

So...

I thought I'd... give you some stuff to remember me by.

You know what? Thanks, Gerry, but why don't you hold on to it?

I mean, you're comin' back anyway, right?

No! Didn't you listen to anything I just said?

Not really.

This is a full-time gig.

I'm gonna be like the ambassador of the human race.

That's why I quit my toll-booth job.

Wait. What? You quit your job?

No, Gerry, don't quit your job to go chasing aliens.

That's what you did.

Fair point, but I'm a cautionary tale, man, not a shining example of what to do.

That's easy for you to say.

You're a member of the group. I'm just a pity member.

You're not a pity member. You're... a valuable component.

I'm a mascot.

You're a full-fledged member.

Got your stripes.

I can see you made up your mind.

Yeah. I have.

You can come with me, buddy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm actually gonna stay here.

I've got some real work that I can do, you know, a real story with real facts.

I been chasing a little too long without anything to show for it.

Okay, yeah. Whatever, it's cool.

But just so you know... Bigfoot's real.

Is he?

Is she?

And yes.

I'll write that down.

Well, I guess this is it.

I'm gonna miss us.

[Sighs]

It's been an honor being your best friend.

Yep.

Bring it in, big guy.

[Chair creaking]

Oh. Okay.

All right.

Safe travels.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I'll see ya tomorrow, Gerry.

[Rap music plays]

Astronaut ice cream.

Check.

Sativa seeds.

Check.

Dramamine. Check.

Passport. Check.

Family photo.

Check.

♪ ♪

Yvonne: Hello?

[Music stops]

Gerry... is that you?

Gerry: Yeah, sorry. I butt-dialed you.

Be there in a second, Mom.

Sorry, I gotta go. Mom stuff.

Okay.

Don: There you go.

I left some room in your coffee for cream.

Have a super-terrific day.

Welcome, valued customer.

Uh...

Hey. What can I get y...

Well, what do you w...

I'll take a flat white.

Uh...

A-and while I'm here, um, just wanted to apologize for how I spoke to you.

I... was a bit of a jerk.

No. I was a jerk.

I didn't respect your boundaries.

I was a nosey-pants.

And after our interaction, I reflected a lot on male privilege.

You did?

I'm so sorry on behalf of all men.

What are you doing later? Do you wanna grab a drink?

[Laughs] No one ever asks me if-if I want a drink.

S-so is that a yes?

Yeah. Yes a thousand times.

Ozzie: Hi, this is Ozzie Graham.

I'm calling from the "Beacon Gazette" to follow up on a story that I'm working on about the senator's possible connection to Glint Enterprises?

Yeah, I can hold.

♪ ♪

[Beep]

This is Jonathan.

You've got a problem. They want you to get a donut.

What? Why? I just got a donut. I don't want another one.

It's not a request. It's Ozzie.

He's connecting the dots.

He called Pelosi's office. They're pissed.

Aw, damn it.

Okay, push the donut meeting. Stall them as along as you can.

I don't care what you tell them.

And set up a lunch with Ozzie.

[Receiver clicks]

Gyah!

Gerry... this is all your alien research. This is... this is your life's work.

I-I can't... take this.

You're the only one I trust to keep it out of the wrong hands.

I'll guard it with my life.

But... are you ready to do this?

Yeah. I've never been readier.

You crazy son of a bitch.

You're braver than I am.

I am kinda brave, aren't I?

Kinda like a hero.

Definitely.

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Gerry?

You give those bastards hell.

Oh, gosh, sorry! Sorry.

Richard: Hey, Ron! Safety first, okay?

So, how's "Beacon"?

Good, good.

You writing any interesting stories?

Yeah, the azalea festival just started up.

There's 17 different species of azalea that were entered this year.

Huh.

Is that why you called Nancy Pelosi's office?

I'm guessing you don't wanna talk about azaleas.

You're g*dd*mn right I don't.

Is this about the exposé I'm writing?

After all I've done for you.

Been a weird boss?

Been a confidant.

No.

A mentor.

[Chuckling] No.

Why are you doing this?

People deserve to know the truth.

Oh, you want the truth? You should have just asked.

Yeah, Jonathan, I would like the truth.

The truth is, I'm a lizard person and I'm part of a global conspiracy to undermine the human race.

Isn't that what your little alien support group believes?

What are they called, SpaceLosers?

The group of which you're an active member?

So that's your big plan?

You're gonna expose me and... undermine my credibility?

Well, I don't have to.

Just like you don't have to write this article about Glint.

♪ ♪

Should we get some "brusketta"?

You know what? I'm gonna take a pass on the bruschetta, as most people call it.

And if you wanna out me as an alien guy, go ahead.

I'll take my chances.

Really? 'Cause I will.

Fine.

I will!

Do it!

Okay!

All right, then.

You have fun doing that.

But just so you know, we prefer to be called "experiencers."

♪ ♪

Hey, who do I have to [bleep] to get some "brusketta" over here?

[Cellphone vibrates]

What?

Nancy: They want to see you now.

When?

Like an hour ago.

God damn it!

Hey, Yvonne.

Hey.

I'm returning your foot bath.

Oh. Great.

Thank you.

W...

I also w-wanted to tell you something.

Oh, yeah, sure. Come in.

Oh, watch out for that tripwire.

Yeah. Sorry.

[Cans clattering]

I had the whole place booby-trapped after I had to deal with all that alien bullshit.

Wow. You're not foolin' around.

Mm-mm. You come into my house uninvited, you've messed with the wrong person.

Okay, so...

You know the day when we were in the truck driving around on the investigation?

That was a good day.

Right?

So... that's what you came here to tell me, Gerry?

Uh... no.

Yeah.

I won't keep you.

I just wanted to say that I-I-I really, really like you, I kinda have a crush on you, and I think about you a lot.

And I'll think about you when I'm up there.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Gerry.

Yeah?

♪ ♪

Wow!

That was totally...

Don't stop.

Yeah, more.

[Giggles]

[Dance music plays]

Are you sure that we haven't met before?

You look so familiar.

Are you like, from...

Oh! Have you been in Pittsburgh?

Uh, no, I-I just moved here from...

Iceland.

You just have a face, maybe, that, like, is really recognizable.

Do you wanna dance?

[Music continues]

Oh, wow.

You really dance.

[Laughs] Thank you.

Just move around a lot.

Okay.

That's a secret to good dancing.

That shoulder thing is cool. Do that...

Yeah?

Yeah, you got it!

Oh, yeah!

What are these called?

They're, uh, strawberry daiquiris.

They're so good.

Yeah.

They're so... they're so good.

Do you like those?

You like those? Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Slow down.

Oh, w...

Oh, yeah.

Ooh! Ooh, what's going on?

It's a brain freeze.

Oh, my head...

You're okay.

No, it's not okay!

It'll only be a second, and it'll be gone in a second.

Ahhhhh. It's gone.

Yeah.

Wow, that was... that was something.

You never had a brain freeze before?

I never had a daiquiri before.

Yeah. Oh!

Uh-oh... oh!

I-I'm sorry, um, I-I'll pay for that.

Sir, this is totally my fault.

I was sitting way too close to the spill.

I'm gonna help you clean this up.

No, no problem.

No, Don.

No, he wouldn't... Thank you.

We accept your offer to pay for the drinks. Thank you.

Subject 28409 seems to be asking a lot of questions.

Now, Elon's office called... and Bono's.

They're all a little nervous.

We warned you once. You didn't handle it.

You're gonna handle it now.

[Ominous music plays]

Uh...

I'm not really a g*n guy.

Well, you don't have to use a g*n.

I don't care what you use.

Just... get it done.

Poison is really popular.

Is this really necessary?

He's closing in on a network of undercover reptilians.

But he doesn't know that.

If you can't handle this, just say so.

I'll mark you down as non-compliant, and...

No.

[Dramatic musical flourish]

[Mysterious music plays]

♪ ♪

Are you okay? Why aren't you playing?

I'm scared.

Of me?

Hey. Don't be scared.

I'm not gonna hurt ya.

You promise?

Yeah. I promise.

[Sighs]

[Edgy music plays]

♪ ♪

Classic.

[Edgy music plays]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. What do you want?

This'll be quick. Can I come in?

[Sighs]

Look, if you're gonna expose me, expose me, all right?

Here. You want some more stuff?

When I was 5, I peed the bed.

Look. I'm not gonna lie.

You're a huge pain in my ass right now.

But I'm not gonna expose you.

[Intense musical buildup]

Because this thing between you and me has to end.

[Dramatic flourish]

Here.

What's this?

It's everything you need to know about Glint Enterprises and our cover-ups... who's involved, where the money went.

This could ruin you.

Yeah, it might.

Ozzie, do you believe in karma?

No.

Me neither.

But I do believe I might be getting what I deserve.

Well, thanks for... all this.

Why are you smiling?

I don't know. I guess it just feels good to be... doing real work again.

Feels like my feet are finally on the ground.

Good.

That's good.

[Soft music plays]

♪ ♪

Wow.

Maybe I should get going.

Yeah... yeah, I-I guess.

Do you want me to give you a ride?

Naw, it's okay. Gas prices...

No! It's cool, Gerry.

I'll go get my keys.

I don't wanna put you out, though.

It's all the way across town.

Look, Gerry... we just had sex, so I can give you a ride.

Cool.

[Giggles]

[Soft music plays]

♪ ♪

Wanna have sex again?

Mm-hmm.

Psst.

The window's open, Gerry.

I just wanted to let you know you won't have to worry about me anymore.

You leaving town?

You could say that.

You're flying somewhere.

You could say that.

What are we doin' here, Gerry?

Okay, man, we'll keep the charade going.

But we know who you really are.

I'm not an alien, Gerry.

Nobody said anything about alien.

You just did. You just mouthed the word "alien."

Did I?

Yeah.

g*n it, Yvonne!

No, Gerry, I'm not.

It's a red light.

It is a red light. Don't g*n it.

[Pop music plays in background]

[Clears throat]

Hi. We just wanted to say thank you for your service tonight.

It was great.

And, uh, you-you forgot to take the drinks off the bill.

Ah, I did? I-I'm sorry.

I've just been so slammed all night.

I'll take care of that right away.

Okay, thank you. Thank you so much.

You're the nicest person.

If you ever come by the Remarkable Bean, I'll buy you a complimentary coffee.

N-no. No, I won't.

At first, I-I felt nauseous, but then... the nausea kinda gave way to... empowerment.

That's right.

Well, it should feel good, you know?

It's like you were pregnant with your own self-confidence and now you're giving birth.

Ah.

This is me.

Okay. Uh...

Good night.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

You left him alive?

Yep.

You know this means we'll have to eliminate both of you?

I don't think so.

Here's how I see it.

You can't k*ll Ozzie, because his article just went to the paper, and if he ended up dead now, it would look awfully suspicious.

And you can't k*ll me, because if you do, there'll be no one left to enter the deactivation code for the files.

What files?

Oh, you don't know about the files?

Ooh. I should have led with that.

They're the files that contain everything about our reptilian mission, our identities... all of it.

If I don't enter a code every 12 hours, they leak straight to the Internet... boom.

Why sacrifice all this for a human?

I have my reasons.

You feelin' better?

Yeah.

What are you drawing?

I made this. That's you.

You drew me? Why?

You made me not be scared. You're my friend.

[Light music plays]

♪ ♪

You like it?

Yes.

Well, you've made your choice, traitor.

Enjoy living among the humans without your wealth or status or power.

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from being on Earth, it's that a good-looking white guy with an Ivy League education will always land on his feet.

[Soft music plays]

♪ ♪

Good luck, Gerry.

Luck's got nothin' to do with it.

[Lightly suspenseful music plays]

♪ ♪

[Inhales, exhales]

The aliens have not arrived yet, but spirits are still high.

There's an electricity in the air.

Note to self... Remember to ask the aliens if they did Stonehenge.

Here we go.

Any minute now.

[Lightly edgy music plays]

[Kevin Morby's "Parade" plays]

♪ ♪
♪ If you come to find out who you are ♪
♪ Then may you find out, may you find out who you are ♪
♪ And if you come to search for what is lost ♪
♪ Then may you find it, may you find it at any cost ♪

So we don't... think... it, you know, happened, right?

Who knows, man? It happened to us.

Kelly: That's a good point.

[Door opens]

Ooh, Gerry.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Oh, Gerry.

Ohh.

Gerry, it's good to see ya.

Musta got my date wrong.

♪ ♪

You know what? Those were some tricky calculations.

Yvonne: Yeah.

[Snaps fingers] A-and it was also a leap year.

Oh, yeah!

It was, wasn't it?

Richard: That's it.

Gerry: Yeah, maybe.

Richard: That's really it.

Who knows, Gerry?

Maybe the aliens got the date wrong, and you were right.

Yeah.

I just... I fell asleep at one point.

What if they got one look at me and just left?

[Overlapping disagreement]

No. Absolutely not.

You know better than anyone [Overlapping chatter] that's not how it goes.

[Chatter continues]

Their loss is our gain.

Yeah, it's good to have you back, man.

Sorry you had such a hard night, buddy.

Oh... it wasn't all bad.

Where have you been?

None of your business.

Maybe you should take a chill pill.

What did you say to me?

I'm asserting myself. Deal with it.

Please. Thank you.

We missed a scheduled pickup yesterday!

Now we have to wait who knows how long till the right atmospheric readings!

We're gonna be even more behind!

Do you even care?

Don!

No!

The Mainstation is coming.

The what?

The main ship is...

I thought, uh... when?

Oh,now you care.

Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.

You and your big balls will handle it.

I mean, come on, right?

Oh, I...

I'm surprised you didn't knock me out when you walked into the room.

You and your big, gigantic pendulum d*ck!

Oh...

Just swingin' in the wind, huh?