08x08 - Trip and Fall

[bunniefuu]

[Styx's "Blue Collar Man" plays]

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Give me a job, give me security ♪
♪ I'm not a charity case ♪
♪ I'll take those ♪
♪ Long nights ♪
♪ Impossible odds ♪
♪ Well, I'm gonna be a blue-collar ♪
♪ Gonna be a blue-collar ♪
♪ Gonna be a blue-collar man ♪

Boss man!

Mike!

Mike, you okay?

I got it, I got it. I'm fine.

That was a big fall!

Oh, no, you're bleeding.

You want me to get you some ointment for that?

Dude, you really ate gravel.

What did you trip on?

I mean, physically.

Well, I didn't trip. It's...

There's something wrong with the step, or... maybe it was a rock.

It just seemed like you forgot how to walk for a second.

That happens to my mom sometimes.

She's 78.

Do you have a concussion?!

I got one when I dived into that dry pool!

Yeah, somebody should really drive you home.

I got room on my dirt bike.

No, I can take him. Then I can sew up those pants.

No one's getting near my pants. Just go back to work.

But it's the end of the day!

Then just go home.

It's hard to see your heroes fall.

Nope, Axl wasn't there, either.

Sorry it took so long.

Gamma Phi was having a Casino Night, and I was on fire at the craps table.

I've always been a good dice roller.

Okay.

Next stop, there's a party at the Foreign Student Center... a "mutual understanding mixer."

I think they're serving shawarma.

All right, let's do it.

I don't know what shawarma is, but I'm ready to mutually understand it.

[Chuckles]

So, why are you so desperate to find your brother?

Mm, it's awful.

He and my mom are estranged.

Actually, he's not really talking to any of the family.

Yikes. What happened?

He's dating this girl nobody likes, and my mom blurted out that she doesn't like her, so he got mad and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving.

And now Christmas is right around the corner, and I'm worried he won't come home for that, either.

Oh, he's got to come home for Christmas.

I mean, Santa goes through all that trouble to bring presents.

[Chuckles] Uhoh, got to stop.

Tipsy Kappa Lambda at 10:00.

Sorry.

Dad, are you walking funny?

Brick, are you eating funny? Go to school.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

Hey, Brick.

How does this sound?

[Raspy voice] I'm about to call in sick.

You know, with this whole Axl thing, I just really need a mental-health day.

[Coughs]

I want to make sure it sounds real.

Would you tell me not to come in?

You're burying the cough.

If you want it to land, you got to put it at the end.

[Doorbell rings]

Nice. I like the way you think.

♪♪

Rita! What a surprise.

Just so you know, it wasn't me who called in that noise complaint last week.

Who doesn't love AC/DC at 2:00 a.m.?

[Chuckles nervously] I need you to drive me someplace.

Oh. [Coughs] I would love to, but [clears throat] I'm actually really sick.

You didn't sound sick a second ago.

Okay, I'm not sick, but I have to get to work.

No, you don't. Just sleep with your boss.

Then you can come and go as you please.

I'm at work right now. So, let's go.

Ticktock, princess.

Come on. I don't got all day.

Can't one of your boys take you?

They're all lazy.

I thought they'd grow up and chip in, but no.

I'm the only one out there stripping copper out of abandoned houses.

I told them, cereal don't grow on trees.

Look, my boss is a real jerk if I'm late, so...

You know, I'm still emotionally and somewhat physically scarred from when you att*cked me last Halloween.

Now, I didn't press charges, but I could.

You know why I didn't? 'Cause I'm a good neighbor.

I assume you'd want to recip-i-cate my good intentions.

Or you can just give me the keys to your car.

♪♪

Okay, here we go.

[Chuckles]

So, where to?

Just drive.

I'll tell you which way to go.

Hey!

Trust me.

You want to be real careful with that.

Oh. Uh, wwhat... what's in there?

None of your damn business.

Cheez-It?

Oh. [Chuckles]

I said one.

Mike, you're here.

How's your foot?

How's your foot? Mine's great.

Am I missing something? What are you guys talking about?

Mike fell so bad!

I didn't fall.

I just misstepped. It's not a big deal.

Wait. It happened here?

What is this? A place we sit around gossiping or a place where we blow stuff up?

Get out there.

I'm the safety officer.

If there's an accident that happens at the quarry, I got to report it.

Got to follow the rules.

Rules, man.

Oh, now the government wants to control our falling.

You fall all you want, boss man.

'Course, you'll never be able to top a fall like that again.

That was pretty epic.

It was like he was swimming in the air.

It seemed to go on forever.

I kept thinking, "Shouldn't he be on the ground by now?"

And then he was!

Sorry, Mike, I got no choice. I got to report it.

Well, maybe I'll report you for standing around bugging me when you should be out there working.

I'm gonna have to report that attitude, too.

Get out of here.

♪♪

[Sighs]

'Kay, turn right up ahead.

But that takes us onto the highway.

No duh. That's how we get there.

O-O-Okay, look, I'm sorry, but I thought I was just dropping you off at the store or the doctor's or the courthouse or something.

You're gonna miss it!

[Gasps] [Tires screech]

I'm not sure what Axl's class schedule is, but he's a business major, so let's try Hubbard Hall.

On it.

Excuse me.

You're also going by the journalism building to drop me off, right?

He doesn't look drunk.

Oh, during the day, we give rides to injured people.

This happened when I was drunk.

Oh.

I accidentally one time had a sip of hard lemonade and I twerked, so I understand the dangers of alcohol.

I think the thing you want to do is...

[Gasps] Axl!

Axl, stop! Wait.

That's him! That's him! Follow him!

Go, go, go, go, go! Floor it!

Axl, stop!

I just want to talk to you!

Um, excuse me, journalism class?

Journalism's dead! Start a blog! [Grunts]

Axl!

Axl!

a*-l-l-l-l-l!

What the hell's going on?

Oh, Mike, this is Tom Hanson, our OSHA compliance officer.

Hello, Mr. Heck. Are you the injured party?

There is no injured party.

I'm not injured.

What about your ankle?

It's nothing.

As I told my soonto-be-former employee, my foot just landed wrong.

It stretched in the back.

Ah, yes.

Yeah, we call that one the "high heel" injury.

Uh, no, I think it's an old football injury.

And just to be clear, I was wearing work boots.

Uh-huh.

Attention, Team B.

Please report to the administrative trailer.

Look, [Stammers] this was just a dumb thing.

It's not a big deal.

We just have to stop talking about it.

With all due respect, you should never stop talking about safety.

Hello, everyone.

Due to Mr. Heck's recent incident, we're gonna take time right now to do a safe-stair drill.

Aw, come on! [Sighs]

He can do that?

Mr. Heck, could you come here?

You're gonna help me demonstrate.

[Sighs]

The most important thing to remember... always use the handrails.

Now, for your first step, you're gonna want to use your dominant foot.

And do not... I repeat, do not ever skip a step.

Okay, Mr. Heck, let's see you go up those stairs.

Whoa, whoa!

Slow down.

Nothing is ever so urgent that you can't take the time to be safe.

Now let's see you do it the correct way coming down.

Good.

Very good.

And you used the handrail for the descent, also.

I like that.

Done here?

Nope.

Not till everyone takes a turn.

Let's line it up, boys.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey, hot-dogger!

Whole foot on the step.

♪♪

[Grunts] Oh!

You can't tell the Chuck what to do, government man!

[Laughs]

Fight the power! Unh!

[Grunts]

Get off me! Help!

Axl, you listen to me!

This conversation is happening, whether it happens now or it happens later!

I pick later! Now leave me alone!

I didn't want to have to do this.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Not the hair! Not the hair!

That's my ticket to YouTube stardom!

Come on! Okay, okay.

I'm listening. I'm listening. Ah.

Okay, look, Axl, I know Mom said some stuff about April she shouldn't have, but our family is not so great that we can just afford to be losing members left and right.

Thanksgiving sucked, so please just promise me you'll come home for Christmas.

I can't make that promise.

But you have to!

We can't have our family traditions without you.

When we sing Christmas carols, you're the one who tries to climb out the window and ditch us.

When I bake gingerbread men, you're the one who bites all the heads off.

So, what, are the Christmas villagers just not gonna hump each other this year?

If you're not there, Christmas is just gonna go smoothly.

And that may be some other family's Christmas, but it sure isn't ours.

Well, you're gonna have to find someone else to put boobs on the snowman, 'cause I can't be with people who hate my girlfriend.

Okay, to be fair, Axl, we have been nothing but nice to her face.

Maybe we just need to get to know her better, have a do-over.

Sue, I'm 22.

Maybe I just don't need the family as much as you do.

Maybe I just need a break from you guys.

I don't think you're allowed to do that!

Okay.

Well, once everyone has signed their Safe Stair Pledge, I'll have everything I need.

Thank God.

Hey, I found footage of Mike's fall from the security camera.

Dave: It'll show us exactly what happened.

No! No, it won't.

Hey, why don't you shove one of those doughnuts into your chatty mouth, Dave?

Tom: Hold on a second.

You fell yesterday, right?

Yeah.

Well, then, this number's wrong.

Yeah, but that wasn't really a w-workplace injury.

That was just my own dumb thing.

No, no, no.

If we make it 365 days without an injury, corporate gives us a cupcake party.

They send us cupcakes from a fancy bakery in a box with a card that says, "Good job."

Tom: Sorry, guys. Maybe next year.

Dave: And we were so close.

They take your picture and put it in the corporate newsletter and everything.

I was hoping to use that picture for my Farmers Only dating profile.

Chuck: Nice going, Mike.

Hey, there's more important things in life than a cupcake party.

And eventually, we'll think of one.

♪♪

Beautiful day for a drive.

Relaxing, ain't it?

Uh-huh.

You know, this seems like it's turning into a whole thing, and I really should get back for dinner and my life and to the people who know where I am.

There's nothing like the open road.

I just feel so trapped in that fishbowl of a neighborhood, everybody always judging you.

You know what neighbor I really don't like?

That Nancy Donahue.

Oh.

I don't know. She's nice. [Chuckles]

What don't you like about her?

Well, she thinks she's all that, that her house is all that, that her kids are all that.

Like them girls, and that boy at that fancy college, and that weird one who reads.

Uh, that one's mine.

And she thinks she's better than everybody else 'cause her teenagers are potty-trained.

That's what I like about me and you.

We don't care about our yards.

Well, I... I care a little.

But... But... But I hear you.

I mean, it's like, people who make you jam.

They don't want you to have jam.

They want to show you they made jam.

I know.

It's like, what dark hole are you fillin' in your life that you need to foist jam on your neighbors?

[Both laugh]

Exactly.

Frankie: You know, maybe Rita was okay. Maybe we weren't so different after all. She might even be a little... fun. What was I worried about?

[Beeping]

Aw, damn it.

I'm out of range.

[Beeping continues]

[Scoffs]

Um, I-I-I don't think you're supposed to be doing that.

Oh, please. It happens all the time.

If I didn't take this thing off, I'd never go anywhere.

[Laughs]

Good luck findin' that one, Barney Fife!

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Hey, Dad.

Mike: Hey.

Where's Mom?

I don't know.

She sent a text about running some errand with Rita Glossner.

You know anything about baking cupcakes?

I know Mom uses a box.

Yeah, I got that.

But where are the measuring cups and mixing bowl?

Measuring cups are in the junk drawer, and the mixing bowl is holding our mail.

Aha!

Oh, and I think you're supposed to have those little pink and green papers that go around them.

What do you mean, "Go around them"?

You know, when you finish the cupcake, you eat the paper?

Eh. Do we really need those?

I don't know.

If they don't have the paper, they might be muffins.

But if you need it, I've got some leftover graph paper.

Okay. Paper's paper.

Why are you making cupcakes, anyway?

Well, the guys at work were supposed to have a cupcake party for going 365 days without a workrelated injury, but then somebody fell.

Was it funny?

No. It wasn't funny at all.

Ah. It was you, wasn't it?

Yes, fine. I fell at work.

Congratulations. You cracked the case.

You happy?

That explains the cupcakes. You hit your head.

Now you're having a behavior change.

Follow my finger.

No. I'm fine.

It's just, you know, not great that it happened at work.

Oh, you're embarrassed.

Did I say I'm embarrassed?

I'm not embarrassed.

All right, I'm just saying, if you are, you shouldn't be.

Trust me, you're in my wheelhouse now.

The problem isn't you being embarrassed.

The problem is you don't embarrass yourself enough.

I embarrass myself all the time.

Like today, I started eating a girl's hair.

It was on her head and in my sandwich.

But if you ask me what embarrassing thing happened yesterday, I couldn't even tell you.

I don't remember.

It just becomes part of the fabric of your life.

Well, that's not gonna happen 'cause I'm not gonna embarrass myself again.

Now, pass me those rainbow sprinkles.

It says if you add those to the batter, you get a more festive look.

I think the guys will enjoy that.

Dad, if you're that worried about being embarrassed...

You work in a quarry, right?

Is there a cave or something you can go down to and have a good cry?

Brick, it's not that bad.

Well, if it's not bad enough you need to go cry in a cave, what are you worried about?

♪♪

Oh, I think you're supposed to preheat the oven to 375.

Got it. Did it.

Way ahead of you.

Quilt!

♪♪

Rita: You stay here and watch the bag.

I'll get snacks.

You got a jerky preference?

Okay, look, this is already taking longer than I thought, and I really need to get back to my...

Beef!

[Bell jingles]

[Police radio chatter]

Officers?

Excuse me, hi.

Sorry to bother you.

Can I ask you a quick question?

Yes, ma'am.

So, you probably get this a lot, but...

"accomplice."

What does that really mean?

Is it like when you're planning something with someone or more along for the ride, so to speak?

Is something the matter?

N-No.

No, no, no.

It's just something I was wondering about, you know?

Just saw you here and thought, "Hey, why not ask the experts?"

Oh!

Here's another one... aiding and abetting.

Is that the same thing or different?

Can you aid without abetting?

And can someone force you to aid and abet?

Are you in some sort of trouble?

Uh, no, I... I don't think so.

Because if you'd be more comfortable talking at the station, we could...

[Chuckles nervously] No, no, no, no.

Gosh, [Chuckles] no.

These are just some of the things I think about.

You know, some people scrapbook.

I think about criminal intent and jurisprudence, so...

[Door opens, bells jingle]

Oh, hey, there's my friend, Rita Glossner, who lives at 418 Birchwood Avenue in Orson.

Just in case. [Chuckles] Bye!

♪♪

Seriously, do you see any bald spots?

I think she took out a chunk of my hair.

Not cool!

She wants everything to be like it was.

Well, guess what... I'm not doing that.

They insulted something I love.

That's so mean.

What did they insult?

Oh, uh... corn dogs.

They hate them.

Anyway, they can't tell me how to run my life.

I'm an adult man now.

[Laughs] That tickles.

I think I get what you mean. My family hates you.

What?

Yeah, they think I could do a lot better.

A lot? [Chuckles]

I mean, you're great... don't get me wrong.

And you deserve somebody great, but I thought that somebody was me.

They really liked Doug Dixon.

He had a pontoon.

Doug Dixo... See, this is what I mean.

Our families think they know what's best for us, but they don't know.

We know! Even Grandma Tee-Tee?

Oh, especially Grandma Tee-Tee.

[Scoffs]

You know what?

Who cares what anybody else thinks?

We know our love is real.

We don't need people telling us how to live our lives.

Yeah!

The important thing is that we have each other.

And your family loves me.

A-A-A-nd we have each other.

[Yawns] Oh, boy.

How long have I been asleep?

About three states.

What?

I only closed my eyes for a second!

Okay, that's it, Rita. I demand an answer.

Where are you taking me?

Already took you.

We're in Georgia.

♪♪

After 537 terrifying miles, I finally realized maybe I should've just handed Rita my car keys in the first place.

We're here.

Look, Rita, whatever it is, don't make me go in.

I have not seen anything or heard anything.

I won't tell anybody.

I am not aiding, nor am I abetting.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

You get weird when you're tired.

Let's go. Grab the bag.

You told me not to touch the bag.

Bring the damn bag, woman.

If things here go smoothly, we'll get you home.

I've waited a long time for this moment.

Don't spoil it.

♪♪

Listen, my guys work hard all year long and cupcakes are important to them, and rightfully so.

Take it from me, they're not easy to make.

Those little papers are important.

You want to get those at a cupcake store.

Mike, we appreciate you calling us down here and pleading your case, and your devotion to your employees is admirable, but... cupcake parties have to be earned.

Exactly.

I mean, if we just started handing out cupcake parties Willy-nilly, they'd lose their meaning.

All right.

I didn't want to have to do this, but...

So Mike realized if Brick could get through all those embarrassments and be fine, he certainly could get through one.

♪♪

Ohh! Ohh!

[Both laugh]

Yeah...

Yeah, I know, it's funny.

[Laughter continues]

Okay.

If you'll notice, the time stamp says 5:03 p.m.

Our work day ends at 5:00, so, technically, the fall happened after we'd already made it to 365 days.

I'm not trying to play hardball with you guys.

I'm just saying, my men deserve their cupcake party.

Looks like you're right.

You obviously care about your guys.

Because if you're willing to show that tape...

[Laughs] I'm sorry. [Both laugh]

Can... Can we watch it again?

It's not that funny.

[Both laugh]

[Indistinct conversation]

♪♪

Say hey to my grandbaby, Vernon James Glossner.

He was born three days ago, and I just had to find a way to come and see him.

[Sighs]

Mrs. Heck, thanks for bringing Mom all the way down here.

It's my pleasure. [Chuckles]

And look at you, Rodney, all grown up.

Yeah, I know I caused a lot of trouble when I was a kid, but I got my life together now, with my fiancée and... and Little Vern.

Even got a job waiting for me at the Lumber Liquidators, just as soon as I get this off.

Oh. Well, congratulations.

Hey, Frankie, open up that bag there, and be gentle.

[Chuckles] Oh.

"Baby's First Christmas" ornament.

It's got a little boy angel on it.

Just like I got right here.

I ordered it special to get it person-ized.

They don't make any with "Vernon" already on 'em.

Seeing that baby in Rita's arms made me realize moments go by so fast. It hadn't been that long since Axl was a baby. That's when I knew I had to make things right with Axl. There was nothing he could say or do that would upset me now.

Sue, I need to talk to you right now!

I did something stupid! I did something really stupid!

W-W-What? What is it?

I married April!

♪♪

[Chatter]

Safety, safety! One at a time!

I got a red velvet.

I got a red velvet!

And look, a note... "Good job, guys."

Chuck: You know, we're not just sharing cupcakes right now.

We're sharing love.

And this man right here's a love-maker.

I've never been happier that I left my job driving that school bus to spend my days here in a hole with you people.

Thanks, boss man.

To Mike! To Mike! To Mike! To Mike!

Mike!

Wayne: Hey, I know.

Let's all talk about our favorite Mike moment.

Mine is...

All right, all right.

Everybody back to work.

[Chatter]