03x08 - Felix Navidad

[bunniefuu]

Two Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reinbeers.

I don't write 'em, I just say 'em.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

I'm going to need these.

Felix's mother is coming for Christmas.

I thought Felix was built in a government research facility.

It's nice to have family around for the holidays.

That's because you don't know his mother.

She holds him to these impossible standards and he drives himself crazy trying to live up to them.

I have noticed that whenever she calls, he starts dusting and ironing.

Once at the same time.

He's like a damn cartoon octopus.

(humming)

And let's just say she is not a member of the Oscar Madison Fan Club.

No one is.

Remember there wasn't enough interest to justify $7 a month for the website?

Why doesn't Felix's mom like you?

You're a delight.

She thinks I'm a bad influence.

That's why you're a delight.

I was looking forward to Felix going to his mom's house for Christmas.

That way I could celebrate my traditional "no pants" Christmas.

See, you wake up early on Christmas morning...

And you don't wear pants.

It's really the most wonderful time of the year.

Well, enjoying your Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reinbeers?

(chuckles)

I wrote that.

Classic me.

I see you got the place all decked out for your Christmas Eve party.

Well, I hope you all can make it.

We're going to have some great food.

Not from here, of course.

Fred: And I think I heard a rumor that a special guest from the North Pole will be dropping in.

It's a shame you always happen to be out of the room whenever Santa drops by.

Fred: I know.

Maybe this year I'll be lucky enough to finally meet that handsome devil.

I love how he thinks he's fooling us.

I mean, how gullible does he think we are?

Hey, did you guys hear?

There's going to be a secret guest at the Christmas party.

I think it might be Santa!

Hey, guys.

Well, it looks like Freddy's making me work the Christmas party.

It will be the time-and-a-half of my life.

How come you got stuck with it and not Maureen?

Because I'm not the one who keeps asking Freddy if he's been working out.

Like a rock!

You know what, though? It's good.

It's good.

I mean, my family's far away and I haven't been invited anywhere else, so may as well make some extra money.

You know, for a therapist.

(cell phone chimes)

Oh, God, Felix's mom just landed.

More reinbeers, Maureen.

I'm going to need to get Blitzened.

Ho, ho, no.

Good tidings, fine sir, on this Christmas Eve's eve.

You think you made this place Christmas-y enough?

Not yet.

There's only one place I'm putting these antlers, and it will not make you jolly.

Oh, get in the spirit, Oscar.

Mother has entrusted me with hosting Christmas for the very first time, and she has set the bar very high.

Take a look at this photo album of the Ungers' Christmas past.

You simply must see my mother's buche.

I must not see that.

It's a cake, Oscar... the buche de Noel, the centerpiece of the Unger family table, and this year I have made it for the very first time.

Come and look!

Okay, but only because it's in the same direction as beer.

And here it is.

Mmm, chocolate.

No touching!

Please step out of sneezing range.

How do I know how far...

There's tape on the floor.

Okay.

Every year my mother would lock herself in the kitchen to create the perfect buche de Noel, and this year, after two sleepless nights and one bracing rum toddy, I have finally made one that is worthy of her.

Felix, I know you want to impress your mother, but you've got to dial down the crazy.

(doorbell rings)

She's here.

(manically): Mother's here!

He dialed it the wrong way.

Mother!

Fe-Fe!

Oh!

Thank you for hosting your old mother while her house is being remodeled.

We're thrilled that you're here. Welcome to our home.

It looks lovely.

I'm so glad you took it to heart when I said not to make a fuss.

Hello, Oscar.

You don't look any worse than the last time I saw you.

Hello, Meredith.

Oh, please, call me Mrs. Unger.

What should I offer myself to drink?

sh*t of vodka? All right.

I'm sorry that Randy is stuck in Vermont and won't be able to join us.

Yes, unfortunately he had to oversee the tile placement on our kitchen remodel.

He's such a perfectionist.

Randy is a general contractor that my mother hired who then installed himself in my mother's bedroom.

Make it a double? All right.

Felix, I wasn't expecting you to make the Christmas village.

No wonder you didn't have time for a haircut.

I know, look at me.

I'm like one of the Grateful Deads.

What's this?

Open it.

It wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't make my famous buche de Noel.

Hey, what a coincidence, Felix made... sure that there's plenty of counter space in the kitchen for your masterpiece.

Ah, perfect as usual.

I will find a home for it in the kitchen.

So, small talk.

No, thank you.

All right.

You okay?

Hmm? Never better.

(humming "Good King Wenceslas")

(continues humming as garbage disposal whirs)

Uh...

What are you doing to your cake?

We don't need mine, do we?

Mother made a better one.

Now I just need to work harder to show that I am capable of hosting the Unger family Christmas, so put on your antlers.

Felix, you really...

Antlers!

He shoved a perfectly good cake down the garbage disposal?

I've never met Felix's mom.

I've only seen that picture of them at his prom.

I feel so bad for him.

She keeps knocking him down and he keeps smiling.

I've got this weird feeling.

Like I... want to help him?

What do you want to do?

Well, just support him.

When she knocks him down, I'll lift him back up.

I'll let him know that I'm on his side.

You mean like be his friend?

Oh, God, this is going to be horrible.

Sorry, Oscar.

Hey, why don't you guys come with me?

It's going to be super fun.

You just said it was going to be horrible.

Come on, guys, please?

No, we're going to be down here at the party, partying.

But I need Unger buffers!

They're going to try to pack every minute with fun activities that aren't fun.

How do you know?

He gave me a program.

Hi, guys.

Emily, I hate the idea that you have to work on Christmas Eve.

Oh, Fred, thank you.

Oh, I don't hate it enough to give you the night off.

But I got you something that I think will make it a little more fun.

Why be a waitress when you can be Santa's little helper?

Fred: Huh?

It's a rental, so take it off before you mop.

I'm letting the cleaning crew go home early.

How thoughtful.

Well, it's Christmas.

♪ I really can't stay ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪
♪ I've got to go 'way ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪

Felix: ♪ This evening has been ♪
♪ So very nice ♪
♪ I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice ♪

They are really good.

It's just a weird thing for a mother and son to do.

Felix: ♪ ...floor ♪

That's his mother?!

♪ But baby... ♪

Both: ♪ It's cold outside. ♪

Oscar: Bravo.

Bravo.

Do we deserve the applause, Felix?

Our harmonies were not as good as last year.

Were you singing from your diaphragm?

I'm sure that I wasn't.

Apologies, everyone.

I rescind my bow.

Encore!

You know, encore!

No, no.

Nope.

She touched his butt.

Well, if I may, I shall go and prepare the mulled cider.

I have been experimenting this year with the addition of nutmeg.

Sounds delicious, if it were Thanksgiving.

You're right.

Nutmeg is a November spice.

How foolish of me.

Keep her busy.

Please don't leave us.

Ah!

So, uh, what was Felix like as a boy?

Very bright.

He self-potty-trained at 13 months, and at 15 months learned to clean that potty.

Well, that's a corner piece to the puzzle.

They say there's a limit to how long you should breastfeed...

Oh, God.

Uh, ring, ring... I better get this.

Hello? What?

Cat in the tree? Which branch?

The highest one? I'll be right there.

What was that about?

I don't know.

(under breath): But I wish I'd thought of it.

One more clove.

And... still not quite right.

Focus, Fe-Fe!

(sniffs)

I'm sure it's going to be fine.

No, it's not fine.

And you know what else isn't fine?

I have been hearing a lot of criticism tonight.

Oh, good, you're aware of it.

How could I not be?

You've contradicted Mother at every turn!

Me? I'm not contradicting her, I'm complimenting you.

She's the critical one.

She just has high standards.

You would not understand that, as you are a person who drinks hot dog water.

Well, I'm not just going to pour it down the drain, man.

Just don't drive yourself crazy for someone who's never going to appreciate it.

How dare you insult that wonderful woman?

She made me the man that I am today.

That's what I'm saying! It's her fault!

I shouldn't even be wearing pants right now!

Here is the local haberdashery right here on Main Street.

And who's that?

Oh, it's that lovable scamp Mr. Wilson having a hot cocoa with Miss Clara, the town librarian.

Hey, yeah, he is!

Speaking of cocoa, I don't see one black person in this whole village.

Meredith: You see, Felix, that's the problem with store-bought figurines.

I hand-paint mine.

It leads to a more inclusive village.

Thank you, Mother, for inspiring me to do even better.

Hey.

Hey, Emily.

I needed a little break from work.

That party is already getting wild.

Oh, hi!

I'm Emily.

Oh, yes, the barmaid who thinks she's too good for my son.

Well, look at that! Break's over!

Back to work I go.

Hold the elevator, Emily!

I've got to get to work too!

You work here.

I quit.

Happy holidays!

Well, too bad the girls are going to miss making gingerbread houses.

This year's theme is mid-century modern.

Yes!

I'll get the candy adornments.

Could someone move my buche de Noel?

Oh, sure... tell me where it's parked.

She's talking about a cake, man.

Good Lord, be careful with it, Oscar.

Muscles, help him.

Show-off.

How long do we have to stay?

You know we're going to miss Santa.

I can't leave.

Felix may not see it, but he needs my support right now.

What's that?

It's a receipt.

Here, give me that.

Oh, my God!

She bought this cake!

Do you know what this means?

She gets the biggest piece?

No, she told Felix she made it.

So she works at a bakery.

No, she lied to Felix about it.

So this is my chance to show him that she's not perfect so he can stop trying to be.

He'll be so much happier.

Great! Show it to him!

I can't.

He'll get mad at me.

He needs to find it for himself.

I can't believe I'm asking you this, but do you have any ideas?

I do.

Follow me.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to Langford's.

That was my idea.

Bye, Felix.

(shouting): Bye, Mrs. Felix!

Well, I see our friends prefer to carouse in a common tavern.

Too bad for them.

Poor bastards.

All that beer and happiness.

Where's your mom?

She went to go call Randy.

But we could get started on the candy cane carports.

That is if you still want to participate.

Wait a minute, is the star on top of the Christmas tree crooked?

What?

My mistake.

Look, litter!

It's a receipt.

From a bakery.

For a buche de Noel.

What?!

But that would mean that Mother didn't make the cake herself.

So, clearly she's not perfect.

Which means you can stop trying to be.

You must be so relieved.

Last year's buche... exactly the same.

And the year before that...

And the year before that.

How enlightening.

Hmm.

Well, I did it.

I've saved Christmas.

(garbage disposal churning)

(humming "Good King Wenceslas")

Tough week for cakes.

Randy says the remodel is back on track.

Felix, what are you doing?

Oh, just destroying the proof that my life is based on a lie!

(feebly): Family and holidays, huh?

Felix, what are you doing to my cake?

Your cake?

It was store bought!

I don't know what you mean.

Well, I'm feeling a little third wheel-y.

And I'm feeling a little insulted.

Well, does this look familiar?

It's a receipt for one buche de Noel.

Fine, my kitchen wasn't in working condition because of the remodel, so this year I bought the cake.

This year?

Well, let's take a little stroll down memory lane, with a sharp left on betrayal boulevard!

Bought.

Bought.

(whispering): Bought.

All right, I didn't make the cakes.

Now can we move on to our gingerbread houses?

Listen, while I am in no way responsible...

Sit down, Oscar! It's craft time!

All right.

Mother, you owe me an explanation.

I don't know why you're making such a fuss.

It's just a cake.

It's not a cake, it's a lie.

What else have you lied to me about, hmm?

Nothing, what are you talking about?

Put the gumdrops down.

You hid this for 40 years.

What other flaws have you been hiding from me?

Why is it so important to you that I have flaws?

Because it would be nice to know that you are an actual human being and not just some impossible ideal that I could never live up to.

Fine, you want a flaw?

I'm not the president of my garden club, I'm just a member.

That's not so bad.

And I don't have a master's degree.

And I know you think I clean the house myself...

Oh, my God!

But when you were at school...

Don't say it!

I brought in a maid!

No!

Don't you see? If I'd known about some of these flaws then maybe I could have accepted my own.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be so... so...

a**l? Sorry, continue.

You're the reason that I have to vacuum north to south.

Why I alphabetize all the canned goods.

Why I won't let Oscar put his bare feet up on the couch.

Wearing socks makes my feet sweat.

I'm sorry, Mother, this is a lot to process.

I think, maybe, perhaps you should go home and spend Christmas with Randy.

Well, I can't really do that.

Why not?

Randy left me six months ago.

What?

He told me I was too judgmental, but he's just the type of person who thinks like that.

So he's not doing the remodel?

There is no remodel.

I made that up as an excuse to come here so you wouldn't find out I'm alone.

Mother, why did you hide all of this from me?

I wanted to set a good example so you'd strive to be the very best.

I'm sorry, Felix.

I never wanted to disappoint you, but now you know.

Your perfect mother is actually a bit of a mess.

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from Oscar, it's that a little mess isn't the end of the world.

Thank you, Felix.

You're the only perfect thing I've ever done.

Oh...

I shouldn't, I'm filthy.

Oh!

Oh, now we're both a mess.

Well, I know a place you'll fit right in.

Dani: ♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord is... ♪
♪ Our fries have come ♪
♪ Let earth receive... ♪

Stop stealing my fries, Teddy, unless you want me to kick this curled foot up your butt.

And ring the bell.

What fun!

Yes, it's like that lively party down on the lower decks of the Titanic.

Ho, ho, ho!

Welcome, Felix.

And who is your lovely date?

Father Christmas, this is mother Meredith.

Oh, you have a smudge of frosting on your cheek.

I'm sorry, I'm a mess.

Oh, I think it's cute.

I'm Fred, by the way.

This is just a costume.

Would you like some eggnog?

It's 90 percent rum.

I'd be a hundred percent delighted.

It was Fred the whole time?

Well, Oscar, me inadvertently finding that receipt has brought me and Mother closer together, so thank you for meddling.

Consider that my Christmas gift to you.

Because I didn't get you anything else.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, everyone!

We have printed up all the unpaid bar tabs for the year.

Whosever tab Santa pulls will have all of their debts forgiven.

(cheering)

Santa?

Oh.

Oh, damn it, it's Oscar!

(groans)

It's a Christmas miracle.

This is for you, Fe-Fe.

Oh, thank you, Mother... what lovely wrapping.

Uh, Felix, you don't have to worry about saving the paper anymore.

Just let yourself go!

Rip into it!

Oh, yeah!

(laughs)

Oh, look at me, I'm a wild man!

Feels good to not be so uptight, huh?

That's what I've been saying, buddy.

No, sir! No, sir!

He's an animal!