04x06 - Souvlaki

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Please Like Me". Aired: February 2013 to December 2016.
"Please Like Me" revolves around Josh, who comes to the realization that he is h*m*. While he deals with his new found lifestyle, he also helps his mother with her battle with depression.
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04x06 - Souvlaki

Post by bunniefuu »

Why aren't you talking?

Tom (on phone): Something's happening.

What is happening, Tom? Why are you being mysterious?

Your whole job is to tell me what's happening.

I don't know, I've never been to an auction before.

Everyone looks angry.

At 1 million and 300 thousand dollars Looking for a rise of 50.

We're at 1.3. Can I tell them the house is on the market?

Just take your time, Josh. Don't let him pressure you.

I don't think they're done yet.

Letting them know we're on the market will get things moving again...

Yeah, or we could just stop there and it's done.

Be strong, Josh, okay?

Don't show weakness.

Okay, no, I just... Yes, fine, we're on the market.

That's below your reserve.

Dad, fine. Please.

Okay, let's just do this thing.

Uh-oh. He's just whispered something to her.

I know, Tom.

We're selling. On the market...

I think he whispered, "I love you."

Please shut up, okay?

Tom: You wanted me to talk more!


At 1 million and 3... At 1.350...

Oh! It's up... it's up to 1.35.


Mae: What is he saying?

Are they bidding?

Here, you just do it.


Talk to me, Tom.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

1.4 now. At 1.4, I have...

Gold sunglasses lady, 1.4 million.

Tom, don't sound excited.

(Scoffs) Oh, sorry, Alan.

It's good.

That's... I mean, that is good.

At 1 million and 500 thousand dollars.

You'll never buy real estate shaking your head that way.

I think this is it, 1.5.

1.5, they're selling.

At 1 million and 500 thousand dollars, first call.

She's doing the "going once" thing.

She's doing the "going once" thing.

It's ending.

At 1 million and 500 thousand dollars. Are you all out?

Done? At 1 million and 500 thousand dollars?

Sold! Congratulations and well bid.

Sold! (Laughs)

(Alan laughing)

$1.5 million?

We can scream now?

(Women scream)

Josh, 1 million and a half-"inaire"!


Good result. Good result. (Laughs)

Your mum's house is sold, mate. Congratulations.

Oh, I think I'm gonna start crying again.



♪ One, two. One, two, three, four ♪

(Crying continues)

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Oooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Make my mamma turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I left better behind I'll be... ♪

Josh, I don't wanna be difficult, but do you think maybe we could take your mum off the table?

Just put her on top of the fridge.

Have you decided what you're going to do with her?

No, ah.

What did she like?

Not much.

Me, she liked me.

I'd like to live in a loft... with a ladder.

Incredible. Like living in a ship.

Sorry, Tom, Josh and I were just having a chat about Josh's mum.

Ugh! I'm sick of Josh's mum.

Whoa! (Chuckles)

Ohh! (Gasps)

Sorry. Sorry.


Uh, what were we saying about her?

I'd like to add that she was a good woman.

Thank you. Thanks, Tom.

Can we talk about living in a loft now?

Tom, you absolutely would not like living in a loft.

Yeah, so what's happened here is you've just found a loophole to never have to leave your room.

Also, I just don't think it's the right time to move out and leave Josh.

Oh, he's fine.

He's not fine.

He is so fine.

Josh, are you fine?


See? He's not fine.


I just don't think there's that much you can do, to be honest, because, like, I'm sad, you know, and... and sure, like, I guess I'll admit that I've been struggling, but, also, my mum just k*lled herself. And, like, that's... that's bad.

You know? And that's gonna be bad for a while.

And I just sort of... It seems right to be sad.

So, what brings you here?

Well, um, it's free.

And also my dad was worried that, 'cause my mum committed su1c1de, that I was going to commit su1c1de. But... the thing about that is that the most efficient way for my parents to make me not want to do something is for them to do it.


You think that's insight 'cause I mentioned my parents, but it's not insight, okay, I was just... I was just being funny.

I'm a... I'm a funny guy.

(Land of 1,000 Dances by Wilson Pickett plays)

♪ One, two, three ♪
♪ Oww! Ugh! ♪
♪ All right! ♪
♪ Uhh! ♪
♪ Got to know how to pony ♪
♪ Like Bony Maronie ♪
♪ Mash potato ♪
♪ Do the alligator ♪
♪ Put your hands on your hips, yeah ♪
♪ Let your backbone slip ♪
♪ Do the Watusi ♪
♪ Like my little Lucy ♪
♪ Oww! ♪
♪ Uhh! ♪
♪ Na Na-Na-Na Na, Na-Na-Na Na, Na-Na-Na, Na-Na-Na ♪
♪ Na-Na-Na-Na... ♪
♪ I need somebody to help me say it one time! ♪
♪ Na Na-Na-Na Na, Na-Na-Na Na, Na-Na-Na, Na-Na-Na ♪
♪ Na-Na-Na-Na ♪
♪ Wow! ♪
♪ Wow! ♪
♪ Uhh! ♪
♪ You know I feel all right... ♪

(People chatter)

Um, are you planning on going home with our dear friend Joshua tonight?

I think so. (Chuckles)


Well, you'd better look after him, Jason, 'cause he's a very fragile boy.

(Chuckles) I... I promise I won't hurt him.

Yeah, 'cause if you hurt him, then you'll have to deal with us.

You don't want to even know what she's capable of, Jase.

(Nervous chuckle) I'll be a proper gentleman.

I promise.

No, that's not what I want!

He gets really thirsty when he wakes up in the morning, so, what you need to do is have a glass of water, by his bed, waiting for him in the morning.



Tom: Are you crying again?




Oh, no!



What triggered the crying this time? The water?

I don't know, okay? My emotions are out of control.

Y'know, maybe I'm pregnant.

(Jason laughs)

His mum d*ed.

Should I go?

No! God, no.

Please don't make me go to bed alone.

(Others laugh)

You get him that water, understood?

So, what do you imagine were the reasons she had for choosing to end her life?

I don't know. I googled, "Why did Mum k*ll herself?"

But it just told me why other mums k*lled themselves.

And now, whenever I go on the internet, Google Ads keeps trying to sell me a new mum.


(Alan laughs)


I've got a joke for ya.

Oh, here we go. Yeah?

No, no, you'll like this one.

(Laughs) Okay.

Two gay guys, Tim and Jim, go to a fair.

Well, I do like gays and fairs. Yeah.

And then... Yeah, I know. Listen.

And Tim decides to go on the ride with the chairs that spin around.

Mm-hm. Wait, wait, wait.

So the first time he...

How old is this gay couple?

(Chuckling) Does it matter? He... they're in their 40s and he's...

But they're young at heart.


So the first time he flies around, he waves at, um, Jim.


No, Jim's on the ride.



No, Tim's on the ride.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

No, but it does matter doesn't it?

I think it... it matters to Tim and Jim.

It'd matter to Tim and Jim very much.

Yes, okay.

So Tim... No, Jim...

Tim is on the ride. Yeah.

Tim is on the ride. Okay.

So, he goes around once and he waves at Jim...

Why... why wasn't the other one... Why didn't he go on the ride?

Because he gets motion sickness.



So, J... No, J... Yes... yes, Jim gets motion sickness, Tim is on the ride.

Is that his name?

Jim. Yeah. No.

Are you sure?

Jim gets motion sickness and...


Tim is on the ride. Shush! Just shut up and listen.

Listen. Okay.


I'm going to start again. Two gay guys go to a fair, right?


One gay guy goes on the spinning chair ride.

He goes around once and he waves to the other gay.

He goes around a second time and he waves to the other gay.

And the third time he goes around, the chain snaps! And he flies into a wall.

I mean, there's nothing funny about that, Dad.

And the gay who wasn't on the ride rushes over to him and says, "Are you hurt?"

And the gay on the ground looks up at him and says, "Am I hurt? I went around three times and you didn't wave back once. Of course I'm hurt!"

(Both laugh)

No, I mean, I'm not angry at her, I just... (Sniffs)

Like, yeah, sure, it's a real douchebag move for her to k*ll herself, but she's just such a dope, you know. Like, we know she's a dope.

I know you can't make sense of mental illness, I know. Like... who knows what version of reality she had going on in her head, yeah? It's just...

(Sighs and sniffs)

I just sort of... feel the same way as I do when people tell me they like cats, you know?

I can't look at them from the outside and try and find sense or purpose.



I have two cats.

Hey, guess what? What?

We got the place!

What place?

The loft place.

Which one?

The one with the kitchen.

Oh, my God! (Screams) Yay!

We got it! We got it! We got it, yay!

So, what does that mean?

Um, we can sign the lease on Friday.

Whoa-ah. (Chuckles)



Are you happy?

Am I happy? That's just the saddest question.

It's hard to tell behind the hat and sunglasses.

Look like my dad. (Chuckles)

Ah. That's interesting.

Do I, um... do I remind you of... of your dad when you're all up in my grill with your D?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do I remind you of your dad when we're doing our little sexy role play and I'm playing the role of your daddy?

Yeah, yeah. You really commit. Yep.


Do I... do I remind you of your dad when I make your little packed lunch and put a little secret note that says, "That's my good boy, Tom.

Ah, my dad...

"That's my boy." Do I... never made me lunch, actually. remind you of your dad...

It's a sore point.

"Hey boy, have a good day at school."

Hi, guys. I was thinking about putting a bit of Mum, like... like, just the tiniest little bit in this confetti cannon and then setting it off.

I mean, yes, of course. Let's.

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop... ♪

I don't feel better.

Think I accidentally swallowed a bit.

Think she would've liked that. I always felt like she had a crush on you.

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop. Doo-wop, doo-wop... ♪

Grace, I'm just a little bit concerned 'cause I'm pretty sure that when I took your nose I gave it back, but then you took mine and I just... I just don't know what you've done with it.

Ha! You check the plant?

Grace, did you put my nose in the plant?

That's where she put mine, huh? (Laughs)

Grace, you absolutely cannot go around taking people's noses and not giving it back. That's just... just not done.

Hey, Josh, can you do me a favour?


Can you talk to your dad?

He's not sad enough. You know, he is never sad. He... he... he's like a chubby Stepford wife.

You want me to convince Dad to be sad?

Sad, angry, confused, regret, I don't mind!

Just any negative emotion.

Oh, not guilt.

Can't he go to a therapist?

That's what I have to do.

We are not outsourcing this.



Mae: Oh!

What do you think? (Sighs)

I think I'm gonna buy this place!

All right.

Yeah, boy!

Don't get too excited.

Yeah, boy!

It might be overpriced.



(Chokingly) I'm very proud of you.


(Sniffs) You're doing the right thing. This... It's...

Y-you're spending the money wisely.

I mean, you would not be saying that if you saw all the French lace I've been buying.


Oh. (Sighs and bl*ws nose)

Oh, God.

I feel like some baklava.

No, no, I need you to keep crying.

Mae asked me to get you to cry more, so you do that.

Why would she say that? I've been fine.

Um, because Mum d*ed and apparently you've been a bit over-perky.



(Sighs) I wish Mae would talk to me about this stuff instead.

Me too.

Do you think I've been over-perky?

Mm-mm, no, I don't think. I have no thoughts.

Mm... nothing.

Josh, Rose... Rose and I got divorced. I... (Sighs)

(Tuts and sighs)

I just don't think it's right that I burden everyone.


That makes sense, doesn't it?

It's deranged.


Mae and I need to communicate better.

Th... that's a separate issue to your mother, but... thanks for telling me.

(Clears throat) Next time, get her to talk to me.
So, um, while we were at dinner, Mum told me that she was in love with you.


Well, that's, um... (Coughs) I don't know about that.

Like, I don't think she wanted to be married to you, but she was just acknowledging that you guys were in love and... she still sort of felt love for you.

I don't know, Dad. I just think you're allowed to be sad. Yeah.

Be sad around me. Be sad around me.

You and Mum loved each other and then she d*ed. That's a big... that's a very big... s... (Sobs loudly) sad thing.

(Sobs continue)


(Sobs continue)

He just saw the strata fees.

Whoa-ah! Yep.

Big, big strata fees.

Emotionally taxing.

(Sobs continue)

That's good.

Well, I'm absolutely gonna turn into my parents, okay? I spoke to my dad about Mum dying and he kept trying to explain away why he doesn't need to feel sad with what he thought was logic and reason.

And I thought, like... I thought, like, "Well, that is so weird."

And then I realised that's what I do.

I'm gonna become my dad.

Can you... can you help me with that, please?

Can you stop me becoming my dad?

If I could stop people turning into their parents, I could afford to commute to work by helicopter.

Man: 920.

Auctioneer: At 920 it is.

At 920...

Got the strategy?


Man 2: 940.

Stay firm, don't get spooked, don't go above your limit.

Please be quiet.

...960 with you, sir. 960,000 bid.

At 960,000 bid now. 960. Anywhere else?

Shakes his head at 960 bid.


At 980, madam.

At $980,000.

Stay with them, Josh.

Sir, can I see that finger that I've come to know and love?

Well, you know something's not right, ladies and gentlemen, when a man of my age is looking forward to a finger.

(Laughs) He's funny.

That there was a prostate cancer joke.

I will be selling the property out today at $980,000.

Going once.

Going twice.

1 million dollars.


Fresh bidder, sir.

1 million dollars clean to you.

At 1 million dollars, ladies and gentlemen. 1 million dollars.

Going once.

Going twice. Going three times.

And sold to the young man in the mint green coat.


(Mae laughs)

So, this is my house.

I actually just hate you.

Like, I actually hate you at the moment. Like, I'm so furious.

I'm really... I'm trying not to be because I like having you as a friend.

But f*ck, you know, like, if my mum dies, you just... you sort of have to be there.


Like, can we promise each other that?

That from now on, if my mum dies, that you'll be there sometimes?


I could go on about this for hours, but I'm not going to because I'm a good person.

Okay, well, I was hoping to distract you from all of that with a housewarming gift.

I do like gifts.

That's good. That's clever.

I also like how right I am and how wrong you are.

I have wanted to talk to you so much, but the more time went by, the more I just got scared.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, I get it.

Can you please just hurry up and open it? You're making me anxious.

No, this is... this is very good.

It's a good pasta maker.

I will be able to glean some happiness from this. Thank you.

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

Just bad. That's the answer.

Yeah, death is really bad. It's just...

It's... death is... That's the worst thing.

What does it feel like?

Today mostly I feel isolated because, just, nobody cares about her as much as I did and that's...

Like, people have been very nice to me, they've been very good when I'm standing in front of them, but then they go off... and they get worried about dinner or tax or Sea World and just...

I just wish there was someone else that cared about her as much as I did, you know?

Like, I get it, I get it. She's actually not very interesting.

Like, in the scheme of the world, she was just an average lady.

But she was really... she was a very big, very special thing to me.


What, no, are you crying? Claire, stop crying. It's gross.

I'm sorry, it's just so awful. (Sniffs)

I can't help it.

I've been thinking a lot that my mum used to be happy and okay, you know, and then she deteriorated into this dark place.


Well, I'm happy and okay. You're happy and okay. It's terrifying!

I've been worried about my genes, so I googled.

And did... did Google reassure you that bipolar's not as genetic as some people think?

It said that if you have bipolar, then there's, like, essentially an 80% chance that it has a genetic origin, but the chance of it being passed on is only 10%.

But, are you worried about going into a dark place like your mum?

No, I don't think so. That's not for me.

I mean, like, I'm still sad, obviously, but I think that's a normal kind of sad.

Oh. there's no right or wrong way to grieve.

(Chuckles) Yeah. Okay.

But I am top of the class, right? Like, I'm... I'm your favourite.

(Laughs) I know you've got some really good tools to deal with the situation you're in.

And I was wondering how you felt about dealing with some of this by yourself?

Are you breaking up with me?

Are we done?

No, we're never done.

I just think you're ready to not need me so much.

No, this definitely feels like I'm being broken up with.

It's not personal, it's my professional opinion.

Oh, it's a shame. I quite like you.

When I die, I want to have the saddest funeral.

I don't want any of that celebration-of-your-life bullshit, I want to have tears. I want, like, proper snotty tears.

What I would like is for my body to be laid out on a platform in the front room, on display for 4-5 days so that the community can come and say goodbye.

Josh: The community?

They'll come.

And, um, Ella, she will come every morning in her, um, widow's veil that she will wear for 40 days and 40 nights, and then she will wash my body with a... with a damp silk cloth.

I'm not gonna wash your manky corpse.

I don't give a shit what you do with me when I die, okay.

You can do anything you like with my body. Whatever you want.

Okay, if I could do anything I like...

Josh: Mm-hm.

.. at all, um, what I would do first of all is, um, get it taxidermied.

Josh: Brilliant.

And then what I would do is make it so that when I walk past you, it says, "Welcome home," like one of those frogs.



Good. Sorted that out.

I'd like to be remembered as a w*r hero.

You were in the w*r?


What's this?

Yeah, that's Mum's ashes.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Why did you put her in a cookie jar for?

I wanted to put her somewhere that she would like.

And she didn't like that many things, so...

Yeah, everyone like cookie.


It's a bit odd.

Yeah, it is... it is a bit strange, isn't it? So, 'cause what it is, right, is my mum but b*rned into a pile and then put into a cookie jar in my million-dollar home.

Hey, this will cheer you up, Josh, okay?

Grace, who is this? Hmm?

(Singsongy) Grace, who is this?

Grace... who's this?

Mae sighs: Okay.

So I need you to believe that this morning, she said 'Josh'!

And it was the most adorable...

Did she?

.. thing in the world! Yeah, yeah. See.

Did she say 'Josh'?



Did you, little Gracie? Hey? Josh.



Say 'Josh'.

I'm Josh.




Josh! Come on.


Okay, that's enough.

All right, please, let's go.

Yeah, fare thee well.



Josh. See? She said it!

(Toy squeaks)

Bye-bye. 'Bye.

'Bye, Josh.

'Bye. Okay.

Love you! Yep.

Love you.

(Door opens and closes)



Are you all right?

Tom: Yep.

How are we gonna fit that mattress up there?

It'll be fine.

Just don't think it's gonna be fine.

It's a queen-sized mattress, Tom.

It'll be fine.

In the pictures, there was a bed up here.

The only reason for a loft is to sleep in.

We can get a mattress up here.


Can you, like, do something?

I have done so much.

I've been talking to those moving guys the entire day.

I'm so exhausted.

Tom, you've just broken your favourite lamp.

It's not my favourite!

Hmm. Yeah.

(Door slams)

(Man and woman argue loudly)

(Object clangs)

Is that the side bit?

What is the side bit, Tom?

I don't know what "side bit" means.

The longest bit... the longest bit of the bed.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry I'm not a bed expert like you clearly are.

I never said you weren't a bed expert.

I didn't even want this f*cking ugly bed.

I have... I have no idea what you want.

You didn't tell me what you wanted the entire move.

I want to break up!


(Neighbours' muffled arguing continues)

Lesley Gore (sings): ♪ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows ♪
♪ Everything that's wonderful is what I feel... ♪

(Turns up volume)

♪ When we're together ♪
♪ Brighter than a lucky penny ♪
♪ When you're near, that rain cloud just disappears ♪

(Sings along)

♪ And I feel so fine ♪
♪ Just to know that you are mine. Ba ba-da bow. ♪

It's not you, you know.

(Wistful music)

It is a bit.

A little bit, but not much.

Yeah, you never wanted to live together.

I thought that I'd change my mind by the time we got here.

You didn't want to look at houses, you wanted to stay with Josh.

I just forced you into it.


I think I was...

I think I just didn't want anything to change because I was worried that when it did I wouldn't like it.

Well, I didn't notice.

Why can't I ever notice things?

You're just thinking about other things.

(Chuckles) I'm really not.


I just made this situation happen.


You're really not that powerful, Tom.

That was mean.



I'm a real shit guy.

(Laughs) No, you're not.

You're the best, you're the best guy.

(Whale song plays)

Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Hi. Really great.

(Whales grunt and sing)

What's with the, ah, whale songs?

The neighbours won't stop screaming at each other, so I'm playing them whale songs to try and calm them down.

(Neighbours continue arguing)

It's not working.

They didn't like the Lion King soundtrack, they didn't like Enya, they don't like whale songs.


I don't know what they want.

Sorry about your life.

I'm sorry about your life.

Want some dinner?

Yes, please.

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wah ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wah ♪
♪ Doo-wop ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wah ♪
♪ Doo-wop, doo-wah. Doo-wop, doo-wah ♪
♪ Doo-wop... ♪

(Soulful scat singing)
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