06x11 - And the Planes, Fingers and Automobiles

[bunniefuu]

Max: Previously on 2 Broke Girls...

The hurricane is headed right for Williamsburg.

Fedoras are blowing down the streets, craft beers are spilling everywhere, and indie bands are cancelling practice.

(wind whistling)

This explains why Randy isn't here yet.

He's probably stuck in the store.

He's not answering and it's going straight to voicemail.

He probably blocked you.

We're really broken up.

Let's go hug our dessert bar.

It was probably so scared.

Oh, my God, Max.

Our dessert bar is destroyed.

I think we have to finally admit it to ourselves.

Ugh, we're cursed.

(water drips)

Yeah, this is personal.

Come on, when that gypsy pointed at me in first grade and said, "Biggus Boobus," that was a curse.

I'm sure we weren't the only business that was ruined by the storm.

We're not cursed.

(water drips)

Yeah, now it's starting to burn.

Well, I am choosing to take this disaster as a sign.

It's not like we don't have insurance.

And while they're rebuilding this place, I'm gonna go surprise Randy and try to rebuild us.

You see the parallels?

You get it. She gets it.

Girls, did you hear?

Turns out only one business in the entire area was affected by the storm.

I wonder which one...

Oh.

File this under "Story For Another Time"?

(rattling)

(screams)

Biggus Boobus!

(rock music)

Ugh, I don't believe this!

All the airports are more shut down than I am emotionally.

Earl, have you had any luck with any busses or trains?

I'm on it.

What button do I push for the Internet?

I just talked to the insurance company.

They're gonna pay for all our repairs.

And they gave me some extra money 'cause I told them we were pregnant.

Can we please focus on how I'm gonna get to L.A.?

I have low self-esteem and a well-viewed sex tape.

I should be there already!

Max, I'm gonna try to put this delicately.

You're acting like a cray-cray psycho stalker.

I am not a stalker.

I'm the one that gets stalked.

That reminds me, I should probably tell Gary I'm going out of town.

Oh, he knows.

He left a bon voyage dookie on our welcome mat this morning.

But the card was sweet.

Well, then as your best friend, I am going with you to make sure you're okay.

You know, Randy did give me an airline voucher when I ruined our relationship the first time.

I could probably get two tickets for that, so I could put my feet up.

Or I guess you could come.

If I'm the wing-lady on your stalking mission, I'm gonna go ahead and call this a vacation.

Wow, that's sad.

All right, I'm almost on the Internet.

Does anybody know my password?

It's "Earl."

Oh, right, my first dog's name.

Hey, everybody!

I just got in a fight with one of Barbara's friends in the IKEA ball pit.

Yeah, if you're gonna bring meatballs in there, you gotta bring some for everybody.

Yeah, there's never enough meatballs in a ball pit.

Earl, how we doing on our trip to L.A.?

Well, the rental cars are rented out, trains are down, and no flights till Tuesday.

And I got a message from emoji. Who's emoji?

Hey, why don't you two just road trip it?

You know, throw a cooler of beer with pulled pork in the trunk and just go, baby.

I would do the same if I didn't have that giant breastfeeding baby.

I'm talking about Oleg.

May I suggest the Toyota Yaris I sold to Han?

It's efficient on gas, and the trunk can't be unlocked from the inside.

Oh, no! You're not taking my car.

It's my turn to drive my quilting group to the farmers' market.

Han, we can do this the hard way where you don't give me the keys and I give you a wedgie, or the easy way where you do give me the keys and I give you a slightly less intense wedgie.

The keys are in my office, but you're not...

Oh, dear, I've said too much.

Who do you see winning this one?

And you should know, Max keeps a pocket full of sand for these kinda things.

Jingle-jangle, b*tches!

You should be fired for what happened back there.

Bathing suit areas are off limits.

Fine, use my car, but I'm going to be driving it.

I'm coming with you.

I finally got the gas pedal extension where I like it.

But who's gonna run the diner?

FYI, I managed a pretty successful jerk shack for years.

Ew, Oleg.

What? Get your mind out of the gutter.

We sold Jamaican-style chicken.

As a front for full-release massages.

Y'all, what was my first dog's name again?

Earl.

What?

I guess my only options here are Oleg and Earl.

Woof, real Murderers' Row.

Who are you gonna have waitress?

'Cause you know they'll have to match the extremely low bar set by my associate and myself.

Ohh!

Oh, can I do it?

Oh, who am I kidding?

Or course I can!

I actually used to be a waitress at Pooters.

You mean Hooters?

No, it was Poland's version.

Yeah, all the waitresses were bottomless.

I'm hoping there were a lot of hairnets involved.

Oh, you'd think so.

Han, I'd say you drive like a little old lady, but three of them just passed us.

I had more fun driving my bitchy friend Neil to get his blisters drained.

Also, what's the strategy here?

We've been driving for hours.

Well, once we find an open airport, we'll fly to L.A., where Max will surprise Randy, and she'll be all, "Ahhh," and he'll be all, "Ahhh."

First of all, great Randy impression.

I almost gave you a little "Wahhh""

You girls have less of a game plan than any season of American Horror Story.

Well, who really needs a game plan anyway?

I'm on vacation, baby.

See? Didn't even tear up that time.

What's with these snacks?

Vegetables?

Are you on that bunny diet again?

No, I gained weight on that somehow.

Han, there's a lot of Goo Goo Dolls here.

GGD-Live Goo. Wow.

I'm taking music criticism from a proud member of the Juggalo nation?

Hand me a radish.

I mean, how long are you supposed to chew a radish?

Forever?

Can I interest anyone in a side trip to Pine Creek Gorge?

If you love the Grand Canyon, you'll think Pine Creek Gorge is pretty good.

Oh, my seasonal gourd.

Look at Randy's Snapchat story.

This movie's got such a large budget, they even got the lawyer is own trailer.

Oh! Scratch that.

I'm sharing it with a very large scorpion.

(gasps)

You're jealous of a scorpion now?

That's where we're at?

No!

There's a finger on Randy's shoulder.

A woman's finger.

Manicured nail, no wedding ring.

How dare she?

Yea nor nay on Pine Creek Gorge?

The exit's in three miles, and I should start changing lanes.

So that's a maybe?

I gotta finger this out!

Ugh, why can't you zoom in on a video?

I know we have the technology.

It was used against me in the case of Bass Pro Shops versus Max Black.

Ugh, I think there's a pit in my fig.

That's a prune, and I'd pace yourself.

Caroline, could you call the diner and check in?

I've been getting the machine all day, and I gotta make sure Oleg isn't sh**ting a p*rn there.

Oh, he didn't get the funding.

His Kinkstarter campaign fizzled out.

There, the phone is unplugged.

Good luck calling the police now, table two.

Wow, you unplugged that phone faster than we unplugged my Aunt Esther.

She was a mean lady.

Sophie, ready to re-enter the workforce?

I'm ready.

The question is, are you ready?

And the answer is no, I am not.

Hey, everybody!

Can I take your order?

Miss, sparkling or still?

How's everything tasting?

♪ Mmmbop, Ba duba dop ♪
♪ Ba Du bop, Ba duba ♪
♪ Ba dup bop, Ba Du, yeah ♪
♪ Mmmbop, Ba ♪

I wish you guys would win American Idol so I'd never have to hear from you ever again.

Oh, come on, Max. Listen up.

What's a road trip without a sing-along?

I don't know, tolerable.

Now let's talk about something everyone's interested in.

I screen-grabbed Randy's video, which enabled me to zoom in.

And upon zooming, I realized that...

You're going crazy?

Max, seriously, maybe we should go back home.

Randy blocked you.

You have to expect there might be a new finger in his life.

I am not going crazy.

I'm merely scouring the World Wide Web for female friends of Randy who are tagged in a photo of him with their index fingers cropped out.

That way I can piece the two photos together jigsaw style to get the answers I deserve, and oh, my God, I think I'm having a breakdown.

She's not the only one.

(gears grinding)

Please tell me that was Caroline's prunes kicking in.

I can't believe we're broken down in the middle of nowhere.

Amanda Knox had a better vacation than this.

We have to start walking. Leave that suitcase here.

What did you pack in there, one of your long-winded anecdotes?

Funny story actually.

I was going through my sweaters, and I realized that when I was 14...

Hold that thought forever.

Now you wanna find a finger, you gotta use a finger.

(gasps) Max, no! We can't hitchhike.

What if some psycho picks us up?

Really, who wouldn't want to wear this skin?

I think the problem is the transmission.

There is none.

I hitchhiked all the time in school.

Nothing bad ever happened.

I did spend a year locked in a guy's shed once, but that was mutual.

I'll tell you what I told my prom date, put that finger away.

I thought your prom date was gay.

He was. He was doing a lot of this.

Oh, good, tinted windows for a more private murdering experience.

Um, this thing is smoking more than my grandma at the Bingo finals.

You girls stuck?

I think "stagnant" is a better word for us.

Name's Becky. With the good hair.

(laughs)

Y'all need a ride?

Thanks. We're going west, Fievel style.

If you could take us somewhere with outgoing flights.

I can drive if you want.

I used to do it for a Colombian drug lor...

Frito-Lay.

I can get you all the way to Missouri, home to street v*olence and a large percentage of America's OxyContin epidemic.

Great, and, Max, at least you'll know people.

Oh, good, we got a ride, 'cause that car is deader than the conversation at the Jolie-Pitt Thanksgiving this year.

Oh, sorry, you girls can come, but I don't let strange men into my cab.

Oh, I can vouch for Han. He's not a man.

It's okay, girls. Go ahead without me.

I'll just call AAA.

Cool. Later, hater.

Wait!

You're really leaving?

Who leaves someone on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere?

(horn honks)

You're not people!

Excuse me, Miss?

Oh, not you again.

Listen, don't eat this.

I ordered a steak, and this is a dirty washcloth.

You want me to heat it up?

I mean, why am I always getting you stuff?

How come you're not scratching my back?

(laughs)

See how I told him off?

You know, just like Max does, right girl?

Why are you calling me girl?

I'm calling you a woman.

You like, like the girls do with Han, only he takes it.

I mean, I wasn't expecting all this.

Well, neither was I.

This is supposed to be my nap time.

This is my vacation.

That's how bad my real life is.

And I'm trying to get back with my ex.

He blocked me on his phone, and I am one diaper away from being that crazy lady astronaut.

I never had the courage of putting myself out there.

I mean, romantically speaking.

I was on the Seal Team that k*lled Bin Laden.

I don't know.

I may look tough on the outside, but underneath it all is a scared little girl and a lot of homemade tattoos.

Well, you clearly have good judgment.

Take a look at this video and tell me if this finger looks like it's been in my boyfriend's mouth.

Hold on, let me grab my glasses!

Whoa, Becks! You wanna pick a lane?

We're currently in all three.

Don't distract her from the video.

Hey...

Oh, like this.

Enough talking. Show us your ass, white boy.

(blares horn)

So sorry.

I didn't know the horn would be so loud, but could you scooch?

Ooh, I wasn't driving?

Man, being a Seal really messed with my head.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but my friend, Sloppy Joe, has a one-engine plane.

He might be able to fly y'all all the way to L.A.

I'm sorry, what?

A messy sandwich is gonna fly us to L.A.?

Okay.

Sloppy was an old high school crush I never had the guts to go for.

Man was a legend there.

He was a senior for nine years.

Thanks, Becky With the Good Hair.

And you'll find someone, I'm sure.

You just gotta go for it.

That's what she keeps telling me.

I know, but she will.

I don't think we've formally met, Sloppy Joe.

I'm Caroline Channing.

They'll be reporting our deaths together.

You're on your own there.

They reported mine five years ago.

We're on a ghost plane? Awesome!

Just curious, will there be a beverage service?

You want some of my beer?

That's all right, you already spilled most of it on me.

I bet that's why they call him sloppy.

Nope, my landings are a mess.

Caroline, look at the bright side.

How? None of the lights work.

We're on our way to L.A., and sloppy took Randy's voucher as payment.

And then rolled a nice, fat joint with it.

You bet I did.

Whoa!

Ride the lightning!

Yee-haw! Do it back.

Let me hear you say, "Yee-haw!"

Both: Yee-hawwww!

I'm just glad you found me.

I was about to build a hut for the night.

I thought you said you didn't pick up strange men.

I didn't.

Until a new friend convinced me I gotta take a chance.

How fast can this old rig go?

This old rig can go all night, baby.

Doesn't answer my question at all, but let's do the damn thing.

This flight's a lot bumpier than I thought it was gonna be.

Speaking of bumps, y'all don't have any blow, do you?

Yeah, that's what this flight needs, a more jittery pilot.

Wow.

Oh!

Randy just posted a new video.

Eh, buffer faster!

Ugh, do you get any bars up here?

If I did, I wouldn't be asking you for cocaine.

(screams)

Never mind, don't need it.

We're going down.

Going down? My least favorite expression.

And now I hate it even more.

At least in this version of going down you don't have to spoon afterwards.

Oh, my God!

Ah!

Caroline, amazing news.

You found parachutes?

Or that part of the wing that tore away?

Ha, oh, no, we're goners.

But Silver Linings Playbook, that finger belonged to Randy's mom!

She's visiting him on set.

Ah, and she's not even that cute.

I am gonna be so mad at you in heaven.

You think I'm going to heaven?

(chuckles) She thinks I'm going to heaven.

(both laugh)

Plane's too heavy. We gotta drop some weight.

I knew those curly fries at the truck stop were a mistake, but they didn't offer a healthy alternative.

Hold this.

What? Ohh!

Hey, Sloppy, the sky is that way!

I like this, too.

This suitcase has gotta go.

No, all my clothes are in there.

All of our money! Our credit card!

There is no way that that one tiny suitcase is causing all these problems with your plane.

Very well, perhaps I overpacked.

Beer me.

(bell dings)

Pick up!

Unless that's a huge problem for you.

That's it.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I told Pooters when they added pants to the uniform.

I quit.

You quit?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're fired.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Have I been a bad waitress?

The naughtiest.

Uh, they're not gonna have sex in a restaurant, are they?

Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Hell, it wouldn't be the eighth time.

Pick up, Oleg.

Oh, yeah, man. This is happening.

And that's when I married my high school sweetheart.

Well, she was in high school. I was 38.

Another terrific story, Sloppy.

Almost makes me forget we have no money, no clothes, and we're getting zero mileage for this flight.

Silver Linings Playbook, though.

Little Randy update.

Max, I don't care how expensive it is.

You are going to therapy when we get back.

Well, that's a wrap on the first day of filming here in Austin, Texas.

Or as they say around these parts, don't Tess with Mexas.

Whoa.

Don't drink on a scorpion bite.

The man ain't wrong.

Wait, so Randy's not in Los Angeles?

He's in Texas.

Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.

Sloppy, hang a Ralph or a Louie.

Whatever gets us to Texas.

Eh, there's two things that Slop won't do.

Alert the proper authorities of my flight pattern or step foot in Texas.

You need to make your own way there.

I'll drop you here. I gotta whiz anyway.

Ah! Drop us here?

Whiz? What does that mean?

Uh, I think it means I'm jumping out of another plane this month.

You know what? I miss the diner.